Original subtitles

For some kids, the crisis line is the only place they can get help with family

issues, school problems and questions about sex.

Their identities are kept secret, so they feel okay about speaking

Beautiful women are waiting to talk to you now.

Yeah. It could be the most satisfying school experience you'll have.

Any volunteers to work the phones?

Beavis and Butthead, what a nice surprise.

Yeah.

Yes. Yeah.

Rock.

Hey, buddy, doesn't this song have another video?

Yeah.

This song is so good, they had to do it twice.

Really?

Muggle.

Tell your children not to walk my way.

Tell them not to.

Tell them not to.

Mean I say.

Muggle.

I heard this dude can, like, bench press 140.

Whoa, that's pretty good.

Maybe he'll be in the 200 club someday.

Settle down, Danzig.

I wonder what this guy does, like, you know, when he's not doing this.

I bet he just scores with kicks and then, like, just fights a lot.

Yeah.

I wonder who would win in a fight between Danzig and, uh... Ronaldo?

No.

Danny Bonaduce? Yeah.

Bonaduce would kick ass.

Bonaduce? Bonaduce?

What's he doing?

Yeah. He was, like, shaking his hips back and forth like a little worthy.

Yeah. That little dance isn't very cool.

Now remember, the kids who call are in pain.

They need a friend.

Someone who will just listen to their private fantasies.

The most important thing they need is compassion without judgment, okay?

I know you fellas will be great.

Oh, and guys, try to make a conscious effort to be more polite, okay?

to the women.

Uh,

hello?

Yeah, um, all the other girls are growing breasts.

Mine aren't growing.

Is there something wrong with me?

Hey, Beavis, this chick's flat.

Yeah?

I... Sometimes I wet the bed.

Is that, like, normal?

What happens when I get married?

Is this... Is this, uh... Hey, Stuart!

Stuart!

What a wiener.

Stuart wets his bed!

Stuart wets his bed!

Uh,

hello? Uh,

hello? Um, well, like, my boyfriend is, like, um, so rude.

I mean, he's, like, pressuring me to put out and all, but I'm not sure if I'm

ready for sex.

Uh,

uh,

uh,

uh, uh, I advise you to put out.

That would be cool.

Until tomorrow.

Uh,

what are you talking about?

Uh, yeah.

You, uh, need someone better.

Uh, someone who's like, uh, polite and stuff.

Yeah, yeah.

Hi,

may I help you? Yeah.

Uh,

you should put out to someone you meet at school tomorrow who's polite.

Thank you. Goodbye.

We're going to score.

Coming up next, Beavis and Butthead do jokes about their nads.

See you soon.

Remember, Beavis, be polite to every girl we see.

That way we'll score with that chick who called last night.

Beavis and Butthead, why don't you share with the class what you learned working

on the crisis line?

Uh, okay.

I mean, excuse me. Yeah, thank you.

Uh, may I?

Yeah, after you.

Uh, please, you first.

She's not here.

Oh, that sucks.

My pleasure.

My pleasure.

Hey, my pleasure.

So, like, after you, ma 'am.

Please, you first.

Yeah, you first.

Thank you. Drive through.

I insist.

Excuse me. Yeah, sorry for the inconvenience. I'll go get a mop.

Hey, aren't you like the guys from the crisis line?

You said no sex till I met a guy that's polite?

Uh, yes, ma 'am. Yes.

Is there something I can help you with?

Yeah. My boyfriend wanted to meet you.

Uh, I beg your pardon.

Uh, hope I didn't put you in any trouble, sir.

Uh, yeah.

I'll be right with you, sir.

Uh, is this another one of those damn 80s fuck videos?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

From that album, the classics of fuck.

But they're not real gorillas.

Yeah.

They had to get fake ones because, like, they knew that real gorillas wouldn't

listen to this crap.

Yeah. You know what animal would listen to this crap?

It's a cow.

Yeah. Cows can listen to that crap because they have, like, they have,

like, sick stomachs.

Yeah.

I bet you could get a cow to listen to, like, Warrant.

Hey, buddy.

Who is this butt -knocker, anyways?

Uh, this is James.

James who?

His parents asked him not to use her last name because, like, he's fucked.

His parents said, son, we know you fuck, and that's okay, but could you just,

like, not use our name?

Yeah.

And then they hugged him.

What a wuss.

Well,

there's a big eyeball.

Yeah, they need more big eyeball videos. Like a big pile of eyeballs.

Yeah.

What is all this stuff?

Yeah, really.

Bye -bye.

Like they're running through the grass, and then I was like a house.

Yeah.

Whatever happened to chicks with big thingies and cleavage and stuff like

Yeah. Seems like they don't do that anymore.

These guys need to spend more time with sluts.

Yeah. These guys aren't filthy enough.

Well, are there, like, two lead singers for this band?

Uh, yeah.

Well, what? Yeah, but it's like, there's this dude, it's like an overall, and

then there's this other dude.

Well, what, Beaver?

I don't know, I just thought, like, you know, if there's two singers, it's like,

you know, that's something.

Hey,

somebody's talking.

Yeah, yeah, what is that?

I hate it when people talk over video.

Yeah, there's some guy going...

Either follow or lead or get off the pot. Yeah, really.

Get off the toilet. Yeah.

These guys are like... A cross between

Stone Temple Pilots and, like, just a bunch of regular guys. Yeah, yeah, it's

kind of like they're a cross between a Stone Temple Pilot and those dudes on

Haw. Oh, yeah.

You met another and you was gone.

That was pretty good, but it... Yeah.

Hello?

I need some help.

Shut up.

I've taken some pills and I... I don't know how many.

Hey, Beavis.

What's that number?

1 -900 -NUDITY.

Hello.

I'm Candy.

What can I do for you?

Uh, I've got a crisis... in my pants.

Yeah.