Original subtitles

Captain Dick Jackman live with a very special event here at Highland High.

Principal McVicar, tell us what we're about to see.

To promote this year's food drive.

Our National Honor Society has glued together some canned goods to spell the

word cares right under the Highland High name.

Highland High cares.

Isn't that wonderful?

Let's take a look, Principal.

What the... Well, back to you, Britney.

I would like nothing more than to kill you both.

with my bare hands.

But I'm forced to give you a choice.

Either you stay after school for a week, removing asbestos from the cafeteria,

or you go on Teen Talk with Captain Dick Jackman and confess.

Whoa.

Is that, like, on TV?

Yeah, he makes all the parents in town feel better about their own kids by

publicly humiliating losers like you. We're going to be on TV.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is going to be cool.

Whoa. They turned that dude into, like, a guitar or something.

If I could turn myself into an instrument, I'd be an M -80.

That's not an instrument, Vita.

No way, butthead.

My music teacher told me you can make an instrument out of anything.

So I'd be like, you know, an M -80 or a chainsaw.

Uh, okay, Viva.

Whoa. Whoa.

I'm clear.

Whoa.

Some of the guys in this band, it's like they just look like

regular guys.

Yeah.

And they're old.

Like, if you saw that drummer, like, in the grocery store, you'd just, like,

probably just walk right past him.

Or you'd say, like, the light beer is over an aisle 14 -8.

Yeah.

And then he'd say, thank you, young man.

I bet when that drummer dude is, like, drinking beer with his friends, he,

Bogart's all the beer.

Yeah.

And they're like, don't Bogart it, dude. He's like, no way. No way. I'm gonna

keep drinking. I'll drink all the beer I want. Get out of here.

He's pretty cool.

Yeah.

I might knock back a beer beer later.

You've never had a beer, dumbass?

I mean, later, like, you know, two years.

All right, listen up.

If you're here to wise off on TV for your dropout friends watching at home,

remember that you signed a piece of paper giving me legal right to kick your

asses and sue you in court.

Now everybody smile and lots of energy, okay?

Hi, I'm Lolita, and this here's Tank Ray.

Check this out.

Hey, baby.

You're pretty hot.

You should, like, be on a video or something.

I am on a video.

Like I wouldn't be here if my principal hadn't rented it.

From the home of the Channel 4 News Center, it's Teen Talk with Captain Dick

Jackman.

Hey, kids. Welcome aboard Teen Talk. I'm Captain Dick Jackman. And as always, at

6 .30 Sunday morning, I trade in my weathercasting gear to rap with young

about what's going down in their world.

You're cute, Sugar Britches. Let's talk about parents.

Any of you guys ever gotten real, real bad at your folks?

It's okay to admit feelings of anger.

Well, Captain Dick, I guess we never got along too good.

My dad beat me up a lot. My mom, like, ran off. How about you?

What do your parents do that makes you really, really mad?

This is boring.

Y 'all want to go down behind the risers and make out or something?

Stay tuned as Butthead discovers a mysterious growth in his pants. Coming

next.

I don't care if they're preschoolers. They can kiss my ass if they think I'm

going to wear an Easter Bunny suit.

Hey, Captain Dick Jackman here, hanging with my home persons on Teen Talk.

Today, we're going to rap about vandalism.

Hey, y 'all, hurry up before we stop being horny.

Hey, Viva, I think we're really going to get pumped.

Yeah, on TV.

Hey, guys, no talking without sharing. Let me ask you, have you ever wanted to

just break something?

Yeah, yeah, I like to break stuff.

Uh, no, sir. Can we go?

Hey, not so fast, young man.

I just want all our young friends here to listen up.

You've had destructive impulses, right?

Uh, no.

Yeah, no, no.

We're gonna score.

Hear that, kids? These young folks are saying down with destruction and up with

cooperation.

Right on, guys.

Hey, butthead. Someone like stole our women.

Hey, uh, my man.

Don't you want to be cool and positive like these guys?

That sucks.

Yeah, it doesn't just suck, butthead. It really sucks.

If we never score, we're going to be wussies forever.

It's going to suck.

Settle down, Beavis. No, no, butthead. No, I can't settle down. It's not fair.

We're not going to score.

It's like we'll get cars and we'll have a job and we'll have to go mow lines and

scrub the grill, and we're not going to score ever. Hey, hey, hey!

I warned you about that.

Don't make me come up there. Shut up, asswipe.

You probably score.

And you're a dork.

I'm never going to score.

Whoa.

Cool.

I feel like such an ass.

Yeah, I feel like an ass, too.

Beavis, go out and get me an ass, please.

Okay, would you like some boobs to go with that?

Yeah.

What was that?

What's going on? That was just a chick screaming.

I didn't like morning, so I didn't do that crap.

Damn it.

You say that's your boyfriend, you say I'm out of line. Funny, he said I could

call him up anytime.

Whoa. I ain't right, but if that's your boyfriend, he wasn't mad. This song's

about, like, this chick doing it with some other chick's boyfriend.

Yeah.

That's pretty harsh.

Yeah.

So, like, this chick will, like, only do you if you already have a girlfriend?

Yeah, yeah. A lot of chicks are like that. They don't want to go out with you

you already have a girlfriend.

You can't get a girlfriend because, like, you don't have a girlfriend. It's

like, it's like, trust Brady.

Damn it, what's going on here?

Taking the talk.

Is this a commercial or a video? What is it?

Viva, just shut up and, like, free your mind or something.

I want to know what it is. I can't pay attention to that.

Damn it, Beavis. Can't you just, like, roll out and listen?

Damn it, butthead. What kind of crap were you talking? You sound like a damn

hippie. Beavis, I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

I'm not going to smack you today.

Damn it,

Beavis.

I'm sick and tired of never getting any.

Yeah. Me too. Hey, Beavis.

I bet we're going to score now because we were, like, on TV.

Oh, yeah.

Hey,

Beavis.

It's about a bad boner, isn't it?

There's no such thing as a bad boner, Beavis.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Now, wait a minute, buddy. I had a bad boner once.

That's when I had the chicken pox and I had my hands duct taped.

That's fucked.

Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry. I stand corrected.

Hey, but sometimes when I play pool, like when nobody's looking, I like to

that blue chalk and like chalk up the end of my wiener.

It's pretty cool.

Yeah, that's cool.

Doesn't that like hurt though?

Yeah, but you know, no pain, no gain.

Hey, check it out. It's one of those magic eight balls.

Oh, yeah, yeah. You, like, ask one of those things a question, then you shake

up and it tells you the answer?

Yeah.

We should ask it, does this video suck?

Yeah.

Find the point to yes.