Original subtitles

Thank you.

That was cool.

Oh, hello.

I'm Butthead.

And I'm Beavis.

Welcome.

Some of you may be wondering where we've been since we saw you last.

Well, it's quite a tale.

A tale of two heroes on a quest to score across time and space.

It's a story of sex, violence, power... And fire!

Fire!

And don't forget about that.

It all began one ordinary day.

A day just like any other.

What are you two doing?

We're trying to find out how many times I can kick Beavis in the nads before he

passes out.

And that's your science fair project?

Uh, what science fair?

Yeah, what's that?

Well, it's too bad you didn't take this more seriously, okay? The winner of the

science fair this year gets a free trip to NASA Space Camp.

Whoa, space camp?

That's pretty cool, butthead.

What if we really did do a nad -kicking science experiment and, like, we did

measurements? And we wrote stuff down with a pencil like you're supposed to.

maybe we could prove everybody wrong.

And win the whole science... Whoa.

Beavis, I have an idea for our science fair project.

Okay, now stand here.

Okay.

Okay.

You're not going to kick me in the nabs again, are you?

No, I'm not, Beaver. Those days are over.

Oh, good.

That's a relief.

That is the best news I've heard all day.

What's that thing?

Beavis, what the hell are you doing?

Did we win the science fair? Even better, Beavis. We kicked it fast.

Check it out.

Fire! Fire!

Fire! Fire!

Beavis and Butthead, this court hereby finds you guilty.

Yes! Kick -ass!

Please rise.

Do you have anything to say before I pass sentence?

Uh... If it, like, pleased the court or something, in my defense, I was trying

to kick Beavis in the nads.

And I just want to say, Your Majesty, that the explosions were really cool.

Amen.

Many have said when it comes to sentencing, I'm the toughest judge in

And they're right.

But last night, I watched a show called Touched by an Angel, and it made me

think.

When I look at these two boys today, I don't see their failure.

I see our failure.

He said touched.

You boys like explosions, don't you?

Uh, yeah.

And fire.

Well, you know who else liked explosions?

Neil Armstrong.

And the only difference between him and you is he had the benefit of supportive

families and teachers.

Families. You know what Neil Armstrong did?

Did he score?

He was the first man on the moon.

We never found out who won that trip to space camp because the records were lost

when the gym burned down.

But whoever it was is going to be fine.

They're going to go on to good colleges and fine careers.

So I say, why not give opportunity to those who really need it and unlock the

potential of these two at -risk youths?

I hereby sentence Beavis and Butthead to eight weeks of space camp.

No!

It says Johnson.

Good morning.

I'm Commander Serena Ryan, and I'm captain of the Space Shuttle Endeavor.

I'm Jim Hartson, the lieutenant commander, which is also an important...

week you'll have a front row seat while we prepare to take a very important

mission into space.

Yep. We're going to bring a new telescope to the Mir space station and

observe a small black hole.

Hole.

Operator John Nathan Rosen theorized black holes could contain rifts... in

very fabric of the universe, or wormholes, that could allow one to

through time and space.

Wormhole? I always wondered how worms score.

To my right here is a model of the entry port of Russia's Mir space station,

where we're going to have to execute a very difficult docking maneuver.

I'm going to turn things over to Officer Hartson now, and he's going to show us

how it works.

Whoa. Ooh.

Okay, space campers, now the fun stuff. Orbital mechanic, come on.

I hope you're not spending too much time with the space campers, Serena.

NASA has a lot riding on this mission. Hey.

You guys have to see this. It's amazing.

It's these two kids from space camp. They're phenomenal.

They've been doing this for 18 hours without food or water. It's almost like

they have an unhealthy, single -minded obsession with it. Check this out,

They're using the robotic arm as a secondary backup in case of mechanical

failure. No one's ever thought of that.

Incredible.

They're brilliant.

Wait a minute.

What if we brought them on the mission to do the docking?

You want those two to go up in space and dock the actual space shuttle to the

Mir space station?

And also, I thought I was going to do that. Think of the PR.

Two at -risk youth turned astronauts?

We could finally get Americans interested in the space program again.

What do we have to look for? Nothing, I don't think.

They'll never make it through the training.

But if they do?

Oh, yeah.

We'll see.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, boys. Shut up. We're busy. Let me ask you something.

How would you guys like to do that, but do it for real?

Whoa. You want us to do that for real?

Whoa.

That's right. I want you to do that for real in space.

With me.

With you?

That's right.

Whoa. Yes.

Absolutely. Yes. A thousand times yes. I like your enthusiasm.

But it's going to be hard work. You're going to have to practice doing this a

lot. For hours. Every day.

I already do. In the bathroom.

And sometimes in the teacher's lounge.

Ma 'am, we've been waiting our entire lives for this opportunity.

We will not let you down.

Then let's start your training. Yeah!

Beavis, the government is about to train our schlong.

For all mankind.

Hey, butters,

what part of sex does this train us for?

I think it's the part where your face hurts or something.

That's gonna be good.

Does everybody who scores have to

do this?

Uh, probably.

Not bad.

Well,

that concludes your training.

So what do you think?

Are you ready to do it?

Yeah, I was ready before, but now I know how to do it upside down or something.

Yeah, I'm ready to do it right now if you want.

That's what I like to hear.

Now go get yourself cleaned up.

Beavis, tomorrow we are going to score with that lady.

In outer space?

Wherever she wants it. Outer space, the back of a car, I don't care.

Yeah, me neither.

Well, what do you think?

I think NASA has a couple new astronauts.

Do you know how few people have done what you're about to do?

Um, no. Only 256 men and 49 women.

That's a little more than I was hoping, but, you know, that's okay. From 16

different countries, ranging in age from 28 to 77.

Jesus Christ, we get it.

And that's not even counting the Russian dog and the monkey. Enough!

Of course, there were some who didn't make it. We're not going to be one of

those, ma 'am.

I can assure you. Yeah, we understand the risks.

Mr. Beaven, Mr.

Boothroyd, you're the youngest astronaut ever on the space shuttle.

What's this moment feel like?

Hold on a second.

I've got something I want to say.

I just want to say I've wanted to do this my whole life, but I never thought

would really happen. And I dreamed about it every night, and then I'd wake up

and feel ashamed, and I'd try to hide it from my mom.

But today, my dream will come true.

And I just want to say that makes me the luckiest man in the world.

Ten.

Nine. Eight.

Seven. Six.

Counting. Fuck.

Three.

Two. One.

Lift off.

Clear. Clear.

Clear.

Endeavor, you are a go for orbital operations.

Damn it. I think the floor's not working.

How are you boys doing?

The three of them.

Do you want to, like, just do it right now? I was thinking maybe we could... We

don't need you until we dock with the mirror in three hours.

Until then.

Do you want to see something amazing?

Sunrise over Mother Earth.

Incredible, isn't it?

Is it three hours yet?

This is the best view on the whole ship.

That's why they put the controls for the telescope here.

Don't mess with those.

Unless you want to risk breaking a two billion dollar piece of equipment.

Now it's probably three hours, right?

Take it all in while you can.

Just think, all of life, everything we've ever known is down there on that

beautiful blue marble.

Uh, the Earth? Fuck.

Let's mess with those things.

All I see is like nighttime or something.

Let's point it at the sun.

Maybe we'll see some fire.

Have a look here.

See what we can see.

Ah!

I saw something, but, like, it went away.

Try the other eye.

You've got two of them. Oh, yeah, yeah, good idea.

Look over here. Ah!

Beavis, you can't do anything right.

Stop a thigh.

Okay, boys.

It's go time.

It's kind of dark.

Let me help you there. It can be tough your first time in space.

Thank you, ma 'am.

Are you ready to do it? Yeah, but I thought you wanted us to do the docking

first.

Commence docking sequence.

See? They're doing great.

Yeah.

Somewhere.

Wait. What are you doing?

What are they doing?

No, no. Stop. No, no, no.

Hey,

let's go out.

Damn it. I can't see it.

There.

Endeavor.

Endeavor, can you hear me?

We copy, Houston.

Endeavor, your situation is critical. You've lost 91 % of your oxygen and 93 %

of the fuel you need to return to Earth.

The mirror has been damaged, causing an international incident with Russia.

We've missed our window to observe the black hole, which will next be this

to Earth in 34 trillion years.

And now we've lost

comms with Earth.

Uh, well, if you're looking for some good news, I can see again.

Yeah, we're ready to try the docking now.

Looks like you guys got in a wreck.

You know, what happened?

We're going to make it back to Earth.

I promise you that.

But here's the problem.

I don't know how to say this, so I'm just going to get right to it.

There are seven of us, and we only have enough oxygen for five people to make it

home alive.

So we all have a decision to make. Two people need to sacrifice themselves.

Look,

I think we're all thinking the same thing here.

Can we put the TV back on?

Yeah, but something... cool this time because that show sucked.

Yeah, yeah, really.

You have no oxygen.

No, we can't put the TV back on. That was our last communication with Earth.

You know what?

Guys,

I volunteer.

Captain, no. You can't be serious.

I'm the captain of this ship.

It would be easy to blame our predicament on the mistakes of two

idiots. Boy, I'm glad you set it not up.

Yeah, really.

Where'd you find these two dumbasses?

No, you! I'm clearly talking about you!

But I chose you for this mission. And ultimately, the responsibility lies with

me. I'll volunteer too.

If this is the end, I want to make it count for something.

And...

I'm going to put on my suit and take one last spacewalk.

It's how I always wanted to go.

Wait a minute, where's she going?

Is it time to score?

Beavis, they put us in this rocket thing for one reason.

To score with Serena.

It's going to be one giant leap for our schlongs. Yeah, for all mankind.

Serena? What?

I just wanted to thank you for choosing us for this honor.

I know I'm not the first guy most people would pick, but you did. And I'll be

thankful for the rest of my life.

That's all. Your actions this day will not soon be forgotten.

Maybe I misjudged you, too.

Listen.

This belonged to my grandmother.

She used to tell me, keep dreaming your dreams. One day...

They might just come true.

Huh. I want you to have it. Okay.

Watch me through the window, doing what I love.

One last time.

My dream's over.

Uh -huh. But I hope someday, your dream comes true.

I've got to go put on my suit.

Whoa. She wants us to watch her change through the window.

You sure about that, butthead?

Of course.

Dumbass. You heard her. She said, watch me through the window and your dreams

will come true.

Oh, yeah.

And she gave us this bracelet to seal the deal.

Yeah.

Are you shitting me?

Okay, I've had enough of your dickhead.

Enjoy faith.

Now that I'm about to be captain, things are going to be a little different

around here. First of all... Oh, hello!

I have some extremely distressing news to share.

Specialist Beavis and Specialist Butthead made the very brave and noble

to sacrifice themselves.

Oh, that's awful.

So,

no reason for me to volunteer, then?

Okay.

Just so we're clear, then, I un -volunteer.

Yeah, I did volunteer, you know, for the record.

You can tell people.

Believe me, I tried to talk them out of it, but they felt it was the right thing

to do, and they left the airlock before I could stop them.

Um... Ah, no, but while their tragically brief lives may be over, they will live

forever in our memory.

dance of seduction continues.

She really knows how to build the anticipation.

You know what I'm saying?

Whoa. Um, um, butthead, what is that thing?

It feels like it's sucking a sand or something.

Uh, it looks like some kind of gigantic hole.

And it's black.

Wait a minute, Beavis.

I think I know what kind of hole this is.

Really? It's a butthole.

No, no, no.

No. No way. No thanks. No.

I don't want to die in a butthole. I've dreamed about it all the time. No.

No way.

Settle down, people.

Beavis, you're not going to believe this.

Look at that number up there on the billboard.

Let's see.

There's a two, and then some kind of circle, and I don't know what that is.

never seen one of those before. No, dumbass, not that number.

That one.

Sixty -nine.

So, anyway,

are we still in space, though?

Whoa, Beavis, look.

Serena. Whoa!

I guess she, like, made a big sign so we'd remember we're supposed to score

her. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you know, that's really thoughtful of her.

She's a really nice lady.

Well, let's go do her.

Missing nuke is somewhere here, in the Caucasus Mountains. It is our nation's

highest priority to find its habit.

Excuse me.

We've detected a major space -time breach in American airspace.

My God.

And something came through it. Two lifeforms.

Who could it be?

Chinese? Russia?

Or aliens?

This is why we needed that space telescope to observe the black hole in

Damn it! Whatever they are, we need to get down there and find them. And

them. Get Alpha Team on the plane. We're wheels up in five minutes.

That's better. You can't score with these things on.

Greetings, Beavis and Butthead. We bring you a grave warning.

Who are you, fart knockers?

We are you, from what your primitive planet would call an alternate universe.

A what?

An alternate universe.

Uh, a what?

Um, did you see the cartoon Spider -Man movie, perchance?

Uh, no.

Oh, that would have made explaining it a lot easier.

Our names are unknowable to your puny brains, but you may call us Smart Beavis

and Smart Butthead. You see, in infinite universes, there are infinite

iterations of every person.

Every possible version of you exists, and we are the most intelligent

Uh, did any of the other versions ever score?

No. No version of Beavis and Butthead has ever scored. That is true in every

reality.

Cool.

We're gonna be the first ones.

Humorous. Quite humorous, yes. Droll, very droll, yes. Whimsical, yes. That is

amusing, yes. Quite jocular, yes. Yes, merciful, yes.

Okay, that's enough frivolity.

When you went through the black hole, you traveled through a five -dimensional

portal in space and time.

But in so doing, you damaged the delicate structure of the cosmos.

Damage is cool, yes. And now both of our universes face total destruction.

And so we come to you for help.

There is a space -time portal that will return you to your time.

You must enter this portal before it closes in two days, or everything you

ever known will be gone forever.

The portal is located on the highest point on your planet, atop your Mount

Everest. This is your quest.

You have exactly two days. May science be with you.

You said Mount Mark Beavis.

Yes, their primitive language has two meanings for that word, yes. Humorous,

quite jocular. Very old. Yes, yes.

Not me.

What did they say?

I don't know.

I think they were, like, British or something.

Okay, now let's go score.

We're here for Serena.

She probably told you about us. So if you can just, like, you know, tell her

we're ready to get down with it.

Okay. So you want to volunteer?

Maybe do some canvassing for Serena?

Canvassing?

We've never done this before, so, like, you know, maybe just, you know, the

regular way. I want to volunteer my wiener.

Why don't we just step over here so we can get a picture of you two?

So do we need to, like, take our clothes off or something?

Yeah.

We're going to score.

Oh,

these poles are horseshit.

Can you remind me why I'm paying you to get me re -elected governor?

And me re -elected lieutenant governor, which is also... Well, governor, our new

strategy is youth outreach. Youth outreach. Our campaign teams have been

recruiting young volunteers to use for a new ad campaign. We brought some

pictures for you to look at. Pictures. Okay. No.

No.

Loser. Ew.

No.

Clear the room.

I'm... Assuming you wanted me to stay. I mean, I'm second in command.

Look at this.

They look exactly like those kids I killed on the mission in 98.

Wow. They really do.

But they can't be the same kids. That's impossible.

It's them.

I know it.

I spent three weeks stranded in space because of those two.

Certain I would die drinking my own urine.

We had to eat like specialist Jung.

I didn't actually get to eat anything. And then 24 years haunted that I had

killed two people, that the world would find out what I'd done.

Yeah, sometimes I wish I didn't know that, because it sort of puts me in a

tricky position going to jail -wise.

They must have fallen into the black hole somehow, traveled through an

-Rosen wormhole.

That's amazing.

I mean, we have to tell the scientific community. We have to kill them.

Before they tell everyone what I did. Right. Kill them. Yep. Mm -hmm. No,

what I meant. That's... Yep. Okay, good. I just hope we're not too late.

Get the helicopter.

Tell them I'm going to go visit some sick... I don't know.

Veterans. Or dogs.

Why wasn't she there, butthead?

Why would she put up a big picture of herself and then not be there?

It's a little game she's playing.

She wants us to chase her.

Oh, yeah.

Here we come.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Please, Major, to take it.

Take it? Yes.

Okay.

No, you hold like this and look here.

Whoa, check it out, Beavis. That guy just gave us this cool little TV.

Do you have any bigger TVs?

This show sucks.

It's like just these fat people standing there. I don't know about that. It's

not that bad.

It's good. Should we back up?

Okay.

Like this or more backing up?

We're trying to watch TV.

That was cool.

It's like the show really found itself, you know.

Glad we stuck with it.

We want some nachos, but we don't have any money.

So why don't you just pay with your phone?

You mean this thing?

Here, I'll show you. What's your password?

Password? Your password is password.

That's original.

Whoa. We just paid for that with this?

Yeah, you can pay for anything with your phone. Whoa. Anything?

That's right.

Anything at all.

Leave it.

This changes everything.

Daddy!

Make it rain on you!

I make it rain on them hoes. I make it rain.

Sir, based on eyewitness interviews, we've made a composite sketch of the

forms.

Whatever they are, they're definitely not human.

Send up a hundred more orders of nachos.

Hey, Butt -It.

This phone kicks ass and everything, but we need to find Serena.

Shut up, Beavis. I'm speaking with the nacho man.

You see what I have to deal with?

Hey, seriously. How can I help you?

Whoa. Who is this?

I'm Siri.

I'm here to help.

It's Serena. Hey, put it. Put it. Dammit, Beavis, I told you to shut up.

Uh, do those nachos come with side orders of nachos?

Um, hello?

How can I help you?

Hey, how's it going? Good to talk to you.

So, um, I was wondering, um, you know, like, um, when we're gonna score, you

know? Notre Dame is losing to Alabama, 7 -0.

Yeah, that's interesting.

So, um... I know you probably like Butthead more, but I was thinking of...

don't understand Butthead.

Yeah, yeah, me neither.

It's like, he thinks he can tell me what to do, and he's always trying to kick

my ass for no reason, and it just gets old after a while.

You know?

I'm tired of it.

How can I help you?

Oh, just, you know, like, listening, you know, helps a lot, you know.

I guess I never really had anybody, you know, like, that actually listens, like,

when I'm talking and stuff, you know.

Like nobody here is the real Beavis. You know what I'm saying?

I don't understand Beavis.

You know, neither do I sometimes.

Yeah.

Neither do I.

And don't skimp on the nacho cheese sauce or I'm talking to the manager.

Uh,

Beavis?

Beavis?

You know, it's like, sometimes when I talk to you, you know, I have this,

strange feeling. It's like I'm, uh, happy and sad at the same time.

I don't know what it means.

Do you want me to search the web?

Yeah, spider webs kick ass.

Maybe we can search for some, yeah.

A spider web is a structure created by a spider out of Protonychus spider silk.

Feels good to talk.

Open the door, butthole.

I don't understand butthole. Leave us alone.

What, Beavis, are you talking to Serena?

Unlock the door now.

I can't unlock the door.

First, you need to set up the home app. Would you like me to help you set up

your home?

Wait a minute.

You're at our home?

Would you like me to help you set up your home?

Butthead, she's at the house. We need to go home right now so we can score.

Notre Dame is losing to Alabama, 17 to 10.

Walking directions to 322 Woodson Street, Highland, Texas.

Wood. Your trip will take 167 hours.

We'll be there before sunset, Beavis.

We just missed them, sir.

They wanted us to find this.

Definitely not human.

They paid for the room with a phone, so we were able to get a recording of their

voices.

Woodson.

You have wood, son.

It's crude, but they're learning to approximate human speech.

I'll know more when I dissect their mouthparts. We've got GPS lock on the

Let's move.

Governor, oh my gosh. I can't believe I finally get to meet you. And I'm the

lieutenant. I'm just so interested in all my young supporters, but...

Particularly these two.

Oh, them.

Did they say anything about me? Or tell you why they were here?

No. Mostly they just laughed a lot. From the minute I introduced myself.

Introduced yourself?

What's your name?

I'm Richard Wack.

Dick Wack. Well, I've always gone by Richard for that very reason. It really

them. Damn it.

Order a roadblock on all roads leading out of town. Say it's...

Do people still care about terrorism?

I do, Governor.

Let's go with that. And so does the whole WAC family.

Butt -head, I was wondering something.

I had a conversation with this chick one time. So I was wondering, how do you

know when you're, like, in love?

You know what I'm saying?

What's that thing? Did you just say, Beavis?

Never mind, never mind.

I'm just going to take a whiz, Butt -head. I'll just go ahead and get that

you. Right back.

Okay. Hey, Serena.

How's it going?

I'm happy to be here.

Yeah, it's good to hear your voice.

I can't change my voice, but you can do it yourself in settings.

Oh, no, no. No, I like your voice.

I just want to say, you know, we were eating some nachos, you know, and I love

nachos. And then I was thinking about you and me, and I just want to say that

also love...

I didn't get that. Could you try again?

You know what I'm talking about, though, right?

It's a word that starts with an L, I think, or something.

I mean, maybe you could say it first, you know.

I mean, you know, if you want to.

Sorry, I'm having trouble connecting to the network.

Uh -huh.

And? And?

Dammit, Beavis, you better not be talking to Serena in there.

No, I'm just spanking my monkey.

You better be.

I don't understand spanking my monkey.

Damn it, Beavis, you lying son of a bitch.

Shut up.

Anyway, Reena, I was just going to say, and I've never said this to any girl

before, but I... I... I love... Damn it.

No, no, no, no, no.

No!

We just lost the phone signal.

Damn.

You dumbass.

And get it before it gets all covered with turds. I don't see it, butthead.

Maybe it's deeper in. I can just... Get me out of here!

Do you see it now?

It stinks!

Dammit, Beavis, you gotta really get down there.

I'm not even trying.

Butthead, come on, help me!

Okay, Beavis, I'll help you.

I guess I have to do everything myself.

Get me out of here now!

Come on.

Get in there, you lazy son of a bitch.

There's turds down here!

Don't care about your turds, Viva. Now get down there. We need that phone to

score.

They must have known we were tracking their phone and put it in some sort of

signal blocking device or Faraday cage.

They've studied our tradecraft.

They're good.

Time to wake up, Beaver.

I can see it.

I found it.

Damn it, that's not a phone.

There it is, dumbass.

Oh, yeah.

I didn't see it there yet.

You're just... Disgusting, Beavis.

Your trip to Woodson Street.

Highland will take 274 hours.

Whoa. She's counting the hours.

Let's get moving, Beavis.

Sir, we've got a lock on the phone again.

Change course to intercept.

We won't lose them this time.

What is this? Is this college or something?

Eh, it could be.

Something sucks.

Oh, boy.

Let's get out of here before we learn something, Butthead. Yeah, really.

Beavis, Butthead, it is we.

We have made the quest easier.

We have moved the portal.

Mount Everest seemed like a good idea at the time for its proximity to space,

but the trip was a longy.

Uh, are you those guys that are like us or something?

We've covered this already.

The portal is now over there, behind the classic building.

It is well hidden there because no one cares about the humanities anymore.

They want jobs that will allow them to pay off their student debt.

Amusing, yes. Yes, humorous, yes. The terrible comment on the time. Yes,

amusing. Seek the portal before all is destroyed.

The lives of billions depend on it. Hurry, you haven't but much time.

She said, but much.

I did not.

But I can see how it would be quite humorous if I had. Yes, yes. Humorous.

amusing. Yes, yes. They do sound similar, yes. Amusing and incongruous.

Uh, I like those guys.

Don't they disappear, though?

Uh, who cares?

Magic sucks.

Are you sure about this? Feels a little bit like a wild goose chase.

Listen. One of our dipshit college campaign volunteers had some crazy story

about how she saw two teenagers coming out of the same port -a -potty laughing

at nothing, and one of them was covered in feces and nacho cheese.

Who else could it be?

Well, when I was in college, I did some pretty crazy... Here's the deal. If I

don't kill those guys, I'm going to be accused of murder.

And if I'm going to be accused of murder, I might as well kill those guys.

So we're going to find them.

Let's take a shortcut through this thing.

While exaggerating gender norms sometimes winds up subverting existing

Don't mind us. We just need to get through here so we can score.

Yeah. There's a slut at our house who's going to, like, do it with us. Any of

you ladies want to join the party?

Hang on, everyone. Hang on.

This is teachable, okay? Now they use the word slut in a sex -positive way,

which is a good thing.

But other than that, these two are a reminder that we still have a long, hard

road ahead of us.

Long, hard.

Yeah, like a wiener, you know, or a schlong, you know, get it?

Uh -huh. Why don't we start by having you two tell us what you thought of the

reading assignments for today?

Uh, we don't really read stuff.

Of course not, because you don't need to. Because Daddy's connections got you

into college.

And we'll get you a job on Wall Street.

Uh, wait a minute.

Do you know who my dad is?

I'm sure he's very powerful and can have me fired, but I don't care.

Cool. My dad's powerful.

Oh, that's cool, yeah.

Because but his mom said he died of syphilis. Wow.

This is a classic example of white privilege.

And you both have it.

Uh, what's that?

Anyone want to fill them in?

Um, yeah, I'll do it. Okay, so white privilege is when white people,

particularly men, automatically assume they can take whatever they want. And

they never have to worry about getting stopped by the police.

And they have the inside track for any job they... I've got this one, Aisha.

They have the inside track for any job they want.

Exactly, Gage. Thank you for that.

That's white privilege.

Whoa. And we have that? You sure do.

I see. Whoa, I never realized this stuff.

Uh, yeah, you've really opened up my eyes.

Well, I'm glad we've been able to enlighten you. The real question is, do

think you'll be acting differently from now on?

Uh, I guarantee it.

Yeah, yeah, me too, yeah.

Step aside, please. We have white privilege.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, check it out.

Don't worry, it's okay.

We automatically assume we can take what we want, and we don't have to worry

about sleep.

It's okay. You didn't know. We didn't either.

Good stuff now.

This is what we were taught, sir.

We're supporting existing paradigms.

I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad we went to college.

Yeah, it's like now I have the skills for today's workplace.

Well, let's see. What should we take next?

Let's take that car.

Um, but that's a police car.

Beavis, you dumbass. Didn't you hear?

We don't have to worry about getting stopped by the police. Oh, yeah.

Okay, Beavis, let's tear ass.

That was cool.

Don't move!

Uh, sir, maybe you didn't know, but we have white privilege.

Get your hands where I can see them!

I think the problem is you're just uneducated.

Yeah, we're gonna get jobs on Wall Street.

You guys know where that is?

Cut it out! Our dads are powerful.

They did not die of this. Hey, Beavis was driving.

We're in jail, Beavis.

This kicks... Ass.

Yeah, that youth pastor always said we'd be here someday.

We finally made it.

The system works, Beavis.

So, uh, sir, how long do we have to stay here?

Like an hour?

Yeah, because I'm... We're on our way to go score.

Well, you got no one to bail you out, so you'll be here until you're a raiment

in a month.

I'll come get you then.

What? What? A month? What? Fuck. No.

No, no.

They ditched the phone.

They could be anywhere.

This is their work.

They're toying with us.

It's the feds.

They're on this, too.

How much do they know about the murders I committed?

Oh, attempted.

In a video game. Why I wasn't there.

Uh, this?

Damn it.

Serena's going to be at our house, and we're not going to be there.

She's going to think I don't care.

You care.

I do care.

Sometimes I think about her, and I don't even get a boner, but I feel good

anyway. Dammit, Mavis, shut up. You're embarrassing me.

If you don't get a boner when you think about her, then you don't know what love

is.

McCabe, inspection.

Now.

Okay, listen up, kid.

You're going to help me out. I can't let them find these on me, so you're going

to take them.

Whoa, hey.

You want me to take all of those?

Yes, moron. Take them now.

Okay, okay.

Tastes weird.

Salty.

Hey, don't eat them. Put them in your pants.

Shut up.

McCabe.

This is going to be cool.

Maybe you ought to check on that kid. You better shut up, McCabe.

Which one of you guys does tattoos?

You better tell your friend to chill, man.

Yeah, he's not really my friend. He just, like, follows me around all the

I think I want to get a tattoo of a butt right here on my forehead.

I need TB for my bunghole.

Do not make my bunghole angry. I demand TB.

Give me all your TB.

All your TB now.

Quit disrespecting me. I will find your TB.

Do not disrespect my bunghole.

tippy for my bunghole.

I demand tippy. I demand tippy. More tippy.

Little dude's right.

We do need more tippy.

More tippy. More tippy. I demand tippy. Yeah, we want more tippy. They never

give us enough.

You will not disrespect my bunghole.

Yeah, they're disrespecting us.

They're disrespecting our bungholes.

One butt cheek here, and then one here.

Look, are you sure you don't want a pair of dice or something?

Dice?

This is going to be on my head for the rest of my life, dumbass.

You cannot imprison the almighty bunghole.

And now you are paid.

What the hell?

I don't get it, sir. It started out as a simple request for toilet paper, but

now it's out of control.

You have nothing to lose but your bunghole.

Prepare the extraction team. Who is this guy?

Antifa? MS -13?

We ran him and his associates' fingerprints, and it came back that they

1998.

What the hell?

No man is free while one bunghole isn't changed.

They died in 98?

We're dealing with something here that's beyond explanation.

Have you ever seen a show caught touch by an angel?

No. They always come with a message.

What could his be?

I am Cornholio! I need TV for my bungle!

Stand by to take down Cornholio!

Have you seen my bungle?

When I open this door, unleash hell!

Stand down!

This has turned into something bigger.

Cornholio's their hero.

He did the most dangerous thing you can do in this place.

He gave those men hope.

And there's a funny thing about hope.

It's contagious.

And these days, well, I think we need all the hope we can get.

So what are we supposed to do? The only thing we can do, give

those prisoners all the toilet paper we got.

And then we're going to put those two boys on a bus back to where they came

from. Destroy their records.

And as far as I'm concerned, they were never here.

And with God's help, we will learn from Cornholio's message today, and we will

become better men.

I have but one bumhole to give.

Can I give it to you?

National security?

Well, that sounds important.

But those two boys were never here.

Nope. No record of them at this facility.

No jail was going to hold those two for long. And apparently they have the

ability to wipe people's memories.

And to that end, I'm here to surprise pardon two criminals as part of my new

Fopt on Crime initiative.

And... I'll just take them back to the Capitol with me in my car. We heard

two youngsters arrested over at TFU for some minor offenses.

No. No one fitting that description was ever here.

Really? Are you sure about that?

Absolutely.

So, who do you want to surprise pardon?

Uh... Ma 'am?

We just want to say thank you for pardoning us. We appreciate it. Shut up!

Where the hell are Beavis and Butthead?

Oh, those guys?

The warden put them on a bus back to their hometown.

Highland, Texas, I think it was.

Oh, Highland, Texas.

Finally, a stroke of good luck.

You know...

I guess the lesson to learn from this is, you probably should have pardoned

someone smaller.

Because then... God damn it!

We're almost there, right, Butthead?

We sure are, Beavis.

It's been a long journey.

Butthead? Yeah?

What do you think's going to happen when we score?

Beavis, everything is going to be different.

Just imagine it.

Beavis? Huh? You just scored with me.

I did?

Yes. And now I'm your girlfriend.

Yes!

Woo!

You're right, Beavis. Fire is cool.

Ow! I'm gonna tear your head off. No, you're not.

I'm his girlfriend.

Beavis, from now on, it's just going to be you and me.

And Butthead.

I'm a deer.

Me.

Me.

Hey, Butthead. I heard you put your thingy in a girl thingy. I sure did.

Did it hurt?

Nope.

And I was never worried that it would.

Would? Oh, butthead. Would you please gore with us? And every other girl you

know?

Indeed.

Island, end of the line.

Beavis. Beavis, wake up. We made it.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we're gonna score.

This is gonna be cool.

Uh,

Serena? Serena?

I'm butted.

What are all these people doing in our house?

Uh, are we having a party or something?

Better not be.

We have to have sex in here.

Welcome, Anita Ross Castle Realty. Are you interested in the house?

Uh, this is our house.

Oh, yeah. I fell in love with it, too. Let me give you the tour.

Uh... What did you do to our house?

Well, the current owner bought the property to flip.

Complete renovation.

Yeah, the fuck?

The house was empty for a long time because it belonged to the mother of one

these two teenagers who died in this accident on the space shuttle, Shirley

Beavis. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Whoa, butthead, look. A garbage disposal.

Cool. Kick -ass.

Yes, I'll be on you.

Anyway, you won't believe what happened to Shirley Beavis when her son died in

space. She went total...

Then, after she

blew through the settlement money, she did something you weren't going to see.

She took...

Bittersweet thing she said is, if she could just see her son one more time,

would tell him these words.

Son.

That's right.

That kicks ass.

Ow.

Cool.

So, um, where's Serena?

Who? Serena. Yeah, yeah. Theory for short.

Theory? Is she in the bedroom already?

I mean, if there's, like, a line, that's cool and everything, but we were led to

believe we would get first dibs.

Shut up, butthead. Come on. There's no smart home system, if that's what you

mean. There's no theory here.

She's not here?

But she said she'd be here.

She's never lied to us before.

What happened, butthead?

She promised she was going to be here, and now she's not.

I thought we had something.

Where is she? Dammit, Beavis, how am I supposed to know?

Where's the remote?

What are these things?

What the hell is that?

Where's the TV?

They're books.

What?

Books? Books?

No! No!

We were supposed to score.

It was going to be the best thing in the world. And instead...

All we get is books. The worst thing in the world.

I'm tired of this crap.

It's not fair.

Dammit, Beavis, this is all your fault. I would have scored if you hadn't scared

her off with all your wuss feelings talk.

Oh, Serena, I don't have a boner.

Shut up, butthead. I don't sound like that. You're the one who scared her off.

You're always calling her a slut.

That's because she is a slut, Beavis.

She's an S -L -O or something slut.

She told us herself, remember?

256 men, 49 women, a dog, a chimpanzee with a wiener the size

of a... Beavis, you've just crossed a line.

And I think we both know what needs to happen now.

But I'm gonna kill you, you son of a bitch!

Oh, my.

Now, I know this can be an emotional decision for a couple, but... Yeah, all

right, here we go, here we go. Let's just... Yeah, let's just move this party

outside. Get your hands off me, bunghole. Okay, just go, go, go, go, go,

go, go.

My email's on the flyer.

Damn it, Butt -head.

I finally found someone, and you're jealous.

I have feelings, Serena.

Let's hold hands.

Shut up, Butt -head. You're the one who drove her away. She said she doesn't

understand you, and we talked about...

Spiderwebs, and you've ruined everything.

Damn it, Beavis. Serena never liked you. She was just talking to you to get to

me. I'm tired of you weighing me down.

I'm going to get out of here, and don't follow me.

Well, don't follow me, butthole.

I

could

hardly believe it when I heard the news today.

Shut up, dumbass.

Before I go Tell me how am I supposed to

live without you Now I've been loving

you so long Let go of me, butthole.

Hey, what are you doing?

Are you here because you hate the United States?

The United States?

Is that like part of America or something?

It's hard to believe this species mastered interstellar travel. Perhaps

beings share one brain.

Apart, they're barely able to feed themselves.

But together, their intelligence is beyond what we can even conceive.

We've located the second creature.

If we keep them apart, it'll neutralize the threat.

But if we don't bring them together, we'll never know their plans for world

conquest. Or the location of their internal sexual organs.

Stop playing dumb.

Are you here to destroy me?

If that's how you want it, baby.

But I can also be very gentle.

We're not getting anywhere.

I don't mind the handcuffs, but, like... Is this dumbass going to be in the room

while we're getting it on?

Who is this?

Hello, Governor.

It appears we each have something the other wants.

Governor Ryan, the Secret Defense Command demands you turn over your

immediately for reasons of national security.

You're sitting too close to me, Beavis. You're sitting too close to me.

As long as you're in the state of Texas, Special Agent, both those boys belong

to me.

And to a lesser extent me, because I'm the lieutenant.

There's no ice in this.

Could your assistant get me some ice as well?

Oh, I'm not actually her assistant. I'm the lieutenant, Gunther. Gunther, just

get us some ice.

Bunghole. You're the bunghole, buttwagon. The federal government has

jurisdiction. He said...

Dick.

It's not that funny.

Federal law dictates that you turn them over.

Whoa, he definitely said dick that time.

Yeah, so what?

It's not that funny, but the one word sounds like another word. Big deal. Who

cares? So you can ruin me and have me replaced as governor with one of your

state assets?

She said ate ass.

Whoa!

Ate ass.

She said ate ass. Jesus, what is wrong with you? I did not say ate ass. She

it again.

Eight ass.

And they're just sitting around saying eight ass.

Eight ass. Eight ass. They are really annoying.

Is there another room we can put them in? Eight ass.

Eight ass.

Eight ass. And then she said she didn't say eight ass.

which made her say it again, and then we said it.

Remember?

Yeah. That was cool.

Oh, boy.

Quick, I don't have much time. I know what Serena did to you on the Endeavor.

Uh, she hasn't done it yet.

It's gonna be any minute, though. I can help you bring her down.

Uh, so, like, you'd be in the room?

I'll be right behind you all the way.

Uh, really?

I don't know, but I guess it's worth it. I mean, I wouldn't say no to anything

at this point.

Here's the plan. I left the keys in that green car right down there. Mm -hmm.

Okay. Take the highway northbound to the Pecos County rest stop. Mm -hmm. Sounds

good. There's a reporter from the morning news waiting to hear your story.

Okay. All right. Mm -hmm. Did you get all that? Yes, sir.

Yep. We're going to score.

Damn right.

I have to go back in there before they get suspicious. But you've got to get

of here now. The people in there want you dead.

What she tried to do to you in 98, she's done to me every day for 24 years.

Christ. Whoa.

There's no need to brag about it. I'm going to make sure she can't do it to

or anyone else ever again.

Uh, wait a minute. I think I see what's going on here. He doesn't want us to

score. That's why he took the handcuffs off.

Yeah, because he knows Serena has a thing for handcuffs.

Exactly.

And that's why he gave us a car and directions to someplace far away where

Serena will never find us.

That dirty butthole. Dammit!

What's wrong with that guy? He scored every day for 24 years. That's like, um,

50 times.

We gotta get back in there and get those handcuffs back on, Beavis. We just

outsmarted that son of a bitch.

Dammit, it's locked.

Quick, let out the window.

That was close.

I can't wait to see the look on his face when he sees that car and we're not in

it.

What did I miss?

This is so funny. We were arguing whether they're aliens or the boys from

space shuttle, but then we realized it doesn't matter. We both want the same

thing. We want to kill them, and they want to dissect them.

We're all on the same team.

Well... Let's go kill them. And dissect them. Right, Phil? You got me.

What the hell?

Just hold on a second. What is it, Hartson?

All this talk about dissecting is making me curious.

No, you know what? Forget it. It's probably way too complicated for someone

me to understand.

Oh, no, no, no. On the contrary. This will just take a minute. I've got some

pictures on my phone.

First, you need to locate the anus.

Okay, there. We got him closed.

Now let's put our hands in.

It won't fit, butthead.

How did we ever get our hands in here in the first place?

Let's open them up and start over again. We need a key.

I think that guy said the keys are in the green car.

Oh, yeah.

Good thinking, Beavis.

Thanks. I know you're thinking I need an expensive scalpel, but save your money

for the embalming fluid. There's a guy in Ecuador who can save you... You know

what? We don't have time for this. Let's go kill those boys, huh?

Damn it. I think he just... He sucks.

I don't know.

They're gone.

What? I can't believe it. Where could they have gone?

I think I have an idea.

Directions to 322 Woodson Street, Highland, Texas.

Wood.

Let's go.

Hartson, get in the van.

It doesn't fit.

Hey, Serena's in there, in that butthole.

He's going to go score with her. Why is it always a guy with a van?

We've got to save her before Hartson bones her again.

Yeah, he's out of control.

And I just want to say, you can score first if you want to, but... Beavis,

I'm not going to score.

And you're not going to score.

We're going to score.

Yeah! Yeah!

Now let's go score before I change my mind.

All we need now is a car.

Butthead, we're in a car.

Oh, yeah.

You really brought your A game today, Beavis.

Thanks.

Remember, Butthead, it's going to go backwards like before.

Oh, yeah.

You're on a roll, Beavis.

Just going to back this baby out and go score.

Wait,

I see her. I see her, bud. Speed up.

Okay, leave it.

Hang on.

We're being followed.

What the hell?

There he is.

Faster, butthead. Come on, faster.

Who could it be?

Probably just someone who just happens to be going our way. To the store,

perhaps. The Venezuelans.

Or Al -Qaeda.

Or the Venusians.

Or Arcturus Six.

Or probably just someone going to the store.

You know how you run out of milk?

I think it's time to put this baby into high gear, Beavis. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's do it. Yeah. What is the R of F?

Uh, really fast?

Yeah, yeah, let's go really fast.

Do you have a bag in your face?

Oh, yeah, a bag.

Come on, butthead. Come on, drive.

What the hell is happening? Who

are these guys?

The East Germans train their assassination teams to drive backwards

their snipers a better field of vision.

Leave us some hotheads.

Listen carefully.

You only have three minutes to go through the portal.

Our universe is hanging in the balance.

Uh, how did you get here?

Our universe has technology that you can only dream of. Can you watch porn on

it? Yes, an infinite amount.

Every scenario you can ever imagine.

But none of it will exist if you do not go through the portal. Why did you not

go through the portal before?

It was right there, behind the classics department.

You could have saved the universe.

and maybe learned how Latin is the basis of English grammar.

But no matter. At great personal expense, we have moved the portal again.

now in your old home, in the poorly renovated half -bathroom.

Enter now so the portal might seal itself, and you will return to a

where you never went through the black hole, but instead lived your lives these

past 24 years.

Who are those guys?

Uh, I don't know.

They seem pretty cool, though. Yeah, yeah, not too bad, really. This show

Yeah, yeah, horrible.

Change of channel, buddy. Come on, right now.

Don't tell me what to do.

Hit him! Hit him again!

Come on, turn that shell back on. There is no time. Now, fly to the portal. Fly!

There's a stop sign, buddy.

Fly!

We must hasten to the... Looks like we lost them.

Woodson Street is right up ahead.

There they are, buttheads.

Sweet Christ!

There's only five people in the world who could drive like that. Yeah, again,

probably just someone going out shopping and their transmission got stuck in

reverse. Happens to me. Never happened to you? I'm not going down without a

fight. Or, instead, you could pull over and let me out and... Cool.

Someone put a little mirror here where you can, like, see behind.

We got him right where we want him.

Get out of the car!

Of

course.

What the hell?

That's right, baby.

Our little dance of seduction is now complete.

Oh, yeah.

Halt your fire!

24 years ago, you nearly destroyed me.

And now you've traveled through time and space to try to destroy me again.

I want to be the one to do that.

Yeah.

Yes, it's really going to happen.

Wait, why are you happy?

Because, my lady, we are about to score with thee.

Together.

Hang on.

Do you think I'm going to have sex with you?

Uh, yeah.

So, um, should we do it here or in the kitchen? Because, um, I think that guy

wants to watch or something.

Yeah,

you said you'd have sex with us back at space camp, remember?

What did I say at space camp?

How would you guys like to do that, but do it for real, with me?

Whoa. Yes!

That wasn't so hard, was it? Well, actually, it was pretty hard until the

five minutes or so, but then I got barf on it, and then, you know, just... See

you later.

To me, the most exciting part is re -entry.

Me. Me. Yeah, we get to do it twice.

Do it?

So hard.

Re -entry.

Oh, my God.

You were never out to get me.

You just wanted to have sex with me.

Yeah, baby.

Guilty as charged.

You know what I'm saying?

These boys aren't my enemies. And they're not aliens out to destroy our

life. They're just two very, very stupid and horny teenagers.

Uh, huh?

I can't believe I've been hanging on to this for 24 years.

Yeah, I've been hanging on to it, too.

And now I know you mean you've been masturbating.

It's all so simple.

Well, I'll be masturbating.

Let's all go home.

Oh, no.

I'm not going to let everyone just walk away from this. I know everything you've

done. Every law you've broken.

That's right. From now on, it's going to be my turn because... What the hell?

Beavis and Butthead, hear us.

You need to open the door first, smart Butthead.

Yes, yes, the door, yes. Well observed, smart Beavis. Well observed, yes.

Beavis and Butthead, hear us.

You have mere seconds to enter the portal.

Only by the two of you entering this portal can our universes be saved.

Otherwise, the entire cosmos shall perish forever.

Make haste.

Uh, okay.

No! They are witnesses, and they are not going anywhere!

And I don't know who you two freaks are, or how you're mixed up in this, but I'm

gonna find out. I am done being a laughingstock. I've already called the

Whistleblower Hotline, and as soon as I get off hold... Hello?

Can I help you? You sure can. I am calling from Highland, Texas, and I...

Hello?

Asshole.

Hmm.

Well, I will be damned. That appears to have worked.

We thought it needed to be the two of you to go through the porthole, but I

guess anything would have worked.

We could have thrown a brick in there.

It's safe to say we were making it more complicated than it needed to be. Well,

we are the smartest Beavis and Butthead in all the cosmos.

In absolute terms, we are still not so bright.

Okay, boys.

No one can know what happened here tonight.

So what will it take to keep you quiet?

Uh, we want a score.

Oh, God.

I mean, I suppose it's not the most disgusting thing I've done for my

So would it have to be both of you?

That's right, Serena.

We're a team. Yep.

Oh, God.

This is rough.

I'm going to need a minute to think about this.

Serena, whatever you decide, you know, like, either way, there's something I

need to tell you.

Something I tried to say before, but I didn't have the courage.

Go ahead, Beavis.

Serena, I've been on a long journey, and...

I've been to outer space, and I've been in a toilet, and I think I've been to

some other places that I don't remember, but... You went to college.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I went to college, and... And you went to jail.

I don't remember that.

Anyway, along the way, I learned some things and stuff, or something, and so

I finally am ready to say to you what I've been wanting to say, which is

That I... I am... I love... I... I... I... I love...

Come on, kid. You can do it.

I... I love you, Serena. For years, I have watched you from afar, through the

portal, entranced by your beauty, your elegance, your grace, your intelligence,

your knowledge of science.

Wait a second. And I have a better offer for you. Come with me to my universe,

and I will show you the mysteries of the cosmos as we travel across the

galaxies. beyond anything NASA will ever achieve, fulfilling all the dreams you

ever had since you were a little girl, staring up at the stars.

Wow.

That is surprisingly everything I've ever dreamed of.

I have an offer, too. I found a coupon in the car for Taco Bell.

I was thinking maybe we could go have a taco, although I was thinking we might

score. You know what?

So was I.

Yeah, sometimes the Taco Bell has a pizza hut. You know, if you don't like

tacos.

Or nachos.

I have a gigantic slong. I hope that's okay.

Oh, boy.

Yeah, I knew it.

Here we go again.

Beavis, you're a dumbass.

And there you have it.

The greatest story ever told.

Pretty cool. We promised those government buttholes that we wouldn't

what happened, and they gave us a brand new TV and put our house back exactly

the way it was.

And it wasn't me, but somewhere out there, there's a Beavis who scored.

Smart Beavis and Smart Butthead, we honor you.

For you, Smart Beavis, are the first among us to score.

And you, Smart Butthead, were able to watch by hiding in a suitcase at the

foot of the bed.

Serena left immediately and is not returning phone calls or texts.

But no matter.

Tonight, we...

Hooray!

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