Original subtitles

That was cool.

Cut it out, butthole.

Whoa.

Hey, baby.

I'm, like, pretty tall.

Damn it. Cut it out. I'm trying to score.

No way,

Beaver. I fought first.

Get out of here.

Butt -head.

Butt -head, wake up.

Butt -head.

Damn it, Beavis.

I was about to score.

Yeah, but check it out.

It's gone.

And look, the window's broken too.

I'll get a hundred bucks for this baby.

Whoa.

I think I just figured something out, Beavis.

What?

This sucks.

Yeah. It really sucks.

This sucks more than anything that has ever sucked before.

We must find this butthole that took our TV.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

A couple of mean guys with fire in their eyes.

Known by the names of... Yeah.

They'll chew you up and spit you out beyond a doubt.

It pays not to mess with... You guys.

You... You pass Beavis and Butthead, they will throw down and blow your ass

away.

You know what I'm saying?

It's not in here.

What are we gonna do, butthead?

What if we never find it?

Settle down, Beavis.

Hey, wait a minute.

Where are we going? I don't want to go to school.

We gotta find our TV.

Shut up, Beavis. I got an idea.

Let's just wheel this thing back to the house.

Yeah.

Hey, excuse me, boys. What's going on here?

Someone stole our TV.

Yeah, we're just going to use this one.

Get out of the way. I'm afraid that TV belongs to the school.

Okay. You know, this could be a really positive experience for you guys.

a wonderful and exciting world out there when we discover that we don't need TV

to entertain us.

She said ain't enough.

Have you guys heard a word I've said?

Uh, yeah.

Enough. Yeah, I heard it too.

Look, guys, just take the TV back to the AV room right now and try to be a

little more open to life experiences, okay?

What a dork.

That was cool.

No, it wasn't.

Oh, yeah.

What's going on out here? Oh, no.

That belongs to the school.

It's supposed to be in the A .V. room.

Get back here.

Beavis and Butthead, you're both expelled.

Cool.

Whoa, check it out, Beavis.

I didn't know Anderson had a camper.

Maybe it'll have a TV.

Oh, hello.

Are you boys here to look at the refrigerator?

Uh, no.

We're here to look at the TV.

Oh, Tom didn't tell me it was broken. Go on in.

Cool.

Well, that ought to hold her.

You know, the most important thing you can have on a camper is a good butane

regulator. And this here's the best one they make. I sure hope we can get that

fridge fixed.

Now, Marcy, we've been planning and saving up for this trip our whole lives,

we're going to go come hell or high water.

What in the hell is that?

That must be them damn buzzard hawks.

I'm going to drink.

This crab is warm.

Beavis, you butthole, you broke it.

No, no, damn it.

Hey, what the hell's going on here? They're here to fix the TV, Tom. What?

The TV ain't broken.

Uh, yeah, it is.

Hey,

wait a minute.

You two look kind of familiar.

Ain't you them kids that have been whacking off in my tool shed?

We still don't have a TV, butthead.

I know, Beaver.

Damn it. I can't sleep without a TV.

Dumbass.

What's your problem, Diva?

I need TV.

I need TV now.

Damn it.

Whoa.

TV. Yeah, yeah.

TV.

TV.

You sure these guys can pull this off, Earl?

It's got to look like an accident.

Oh, yeah.

Penis and butthead.

You little bastards.

We watch your TV.

No.

You're expelled.

Now get out of here.

Wait a minute. I need a TV now.

We're missing everything.

Yeah, hold on a minute. That must be them now.

Yeah, I'll call you back.

Come in.

TV.

Yeah.

You're late.

Really?

Did we miss Baywatch?

Man,

Earl said you guys were young, but...

Jeez. Oh, well, as long as you can get the job done.

What are your names?

Uh, Butthead.

I mean, Beavis.

Oh, that's all right. I'd rather not know your real names anyway.

Mine's Muddy.

Now, look, I'm going to get right to the point.

I'll pay you ten grand plus expenses, all payable after you do her.

Uh, do her?

That's right, do her.

I'm offering you $10 ,000 plus expenses to do my wife. We got a deal?

Actually, we just want to watch TV.

Shut up, Beavis.

Yeah,

we'll do your wife.

No, I want to watch TV.

Damn it, Beavis, you butt munch. This guy wants us to score with his wife.

And he's going to pay us.

If we can buy a new TV.

Really?

Cool.

We'll do it, sir.

Well, all right, then.

Let's get down to business.

Here she is, boys.

Her name's Dallas.

She ain't as sweet as she looks.

She stole everything from me.

You gotta watch out, because she'll do you twice as fast as you do her.

Whoa.

Cool.

She's holed up in a room in Las Vegas.

I got your room right next to hers. Your flight leaves in an hour. Come on.

I'll drive you to the airport.

Hold up.

Hold up.

Can we watch some TV first?

No.

Hey, listen to me.

This is real important.

My wife's got this leather satchel. It's a black bag, about this big.

I need you to bring it back, boys.

Sentimental, you know what I mean?

Any questions so far?

Uh, does she have big hooters?

Yeah, she sure does.

This is gonna be cool.

Yeah, you guys are

funny. Let's have a drink on it, eh?

Now don't let me down.

We're going to get paid to score.

Yeah.

And then we're going to get a big screen TV.

With two remotes.

Venus, this is the greatest day of our lives.

Here you are.

Hey, Beavis.

She touched my butt.

Hello there.

Are you two heading for Las Vegas?

Yeah. We're going to score.

Oh, well, I hope to score big there myself.

I'm mostly going to be doing the slots.

Yeah, I'm hoping to do some slots, too.

Do they have a lot of slots in Las Vegas?

Oh. There's so many sluts who won't know where to begin.

Whoa. Hey, buddy, this chick is pretty cool.

She says there's going to be tons of sluts in Las Vegas.

Cool.

It's so nice to meet young men who are so well -mannered.

Yeah.

I'm going to have money and a big -screen TV, and there's going to be

everywhere. It's going to roll.

Oh, that's nice. We ask that you turn your attention at this time to the front

of the cabin for pre -flight safety instructions.

To fasten your seatbelt, insert the free end into the coupling.

If you are seated in the... Insert.

Hi,

can I help you with that?

There you go, all set.

I love you.

Hey, hey, hey, cut it out. I want her to do it.

Come to butthead.

Flight attendants, please prepare for takeoff.

Damn it.

Hey, wait a minute.

What's going on?

Could you, like, do that thing with my belt again?

This is her.

Oh, she looks lovely.

I'm probably going to make out with her first before we, uh, you know, get down.

You know what I'm saying? I'm sorry. You have to speak up, son. I have this

ringing in my ears.

My doctor says it could be related to my heart.

Really?

I poop too much. Oh.

Maybe you're lactose intolerant. No, no. I poop too much.

And then I get tired.

Tired? Oh, well, I know all about tired, dear. I have just the thing for you.

Take a couple of these. They perk me right up.

Thanks.

Tastes like crap.

What else you got?

Go right ahead.

Help yourself.

So, uh... Going to Las Vegas?

Hi, we're serving dinner now. Our selections tonight are chicken piccata

seafood gumbo.

Oh, excuse me, does the gumbo have corn in it?

I am Cornolio.

I need piccata for my bunghole.

You'll have to wait your turn, sir.

Are you threatening me?

My bunghole will not wait.

Uh, hey, I got a beer.

Want some?

Get the hell out of the cockpit!

You said... Now!

Welcome to Las Vegas.

Uh... This is Las Vegas?

I thought there'd be, like, casinos and lights and stuff.

This isn't very good.

Hey, Butt -head, why's that guy holding a sign?

Uh, maybe he's blind.

Check this out.

Excuse me.

You guys wouldn't know where I could find these guys, would you?

Uh, B -A -B -A?

B -A -B -A? B -A -B -A? Boot?

Someone named Boot?

This is Beavis.

And Boothead.

Uh, that's Butthead.

Don't you get it, Beavis?

These dudes have the same name as us.

Whoa, really?

We should party.

This way, sirs.

So where are those guys?

Hey, who is he?

You sure this is the right place?

You muddy?

What are you, the cops?

Uh, no.

Earl sent us. You know, to take care of your wife.

What? Take care of my... What the hell are you talking about?

Who are those other two clowns?

Huh?

You did it to me again!

I'm going to go to Vegas.

And I'm going to kill all three of them. Hey, I noticed your TV was broken.

You want to buy a new one?

Just leave it.

Worthless piece of crap.

Yeah, really, man. We got to start stealing from Richard.

You give me that funny feeling in my tummy.

We didn't realize you were registered guests.

If there's anything we can do to... Damn it.

This thing is stuck.

Sir, it's attached to the... You dumbass. Let me try.

Hey, check it out. That guy's still standing there.

Could you, like, not stand there and stuff?

Some people are dumb.

I wonder where this goes.

Whoa,

I think I hear a chick.

All right, who are you?

CIA? FBI?

ATF? Hey, butter, it's her.

Whoa. Hey, baby.

Are we, like, gonna do it?

You got two seconds.

Is that gonna be enough time?

I'll punch you.

Uh, this drunk dude.

He thought he was gonna pay us to do you.

Be muddy. Son of a bitch.

Holy... What's he paying you?

Uh, ten, uh... Ten grand?

That cheap ass.

All right, I got a better deal for you.

I'll double it. I'll pay you twenty if you go back there and do him.

Uh, you want us to do a guy?

No way.

I don't know, but that is a lot of money.

Maybe if we close our eyes and pretend he's a chick.

Damn.

You two wait right there.

I'm ready for love.

Yeah, I don't believe it.

Yeah, Las Vegas.

Give me the number for Dream America Tours.

Right.

Yeah. You got a bus leaving today?

Where's it going?

Washington, D .C.

Five minutes?

Perfect. Give me two tickets.

No way, butthead. You always go first.

Damn it, Beavis. We've never done this before.

Well, uh... Wanna, uh, you know...

Do it.

We'll finally get a score.

Do it.

Ow. You guys want to see it?

Damn it.

Ow. Get out.

You idiot.

Bunghole. Damn it.

Ow.

Don't wear yourselves out, boys.

Save some energy for me.

This is it, baby.

We're finally going to score.

Thank God.

Oh, yeah, we're going to do it all right.

Oh, yeah.

First, you have to do a little job for me.

Would you like to do a little job for me?

Here's what it is.

I want you to take the bus to Washington, D .C.

That's all.

And when you get there, I'll be waiting.

You're going to make a whole lot of money, and I'm going to give you

Until then, keep your pants on.

Now your bus is downstairs waiting, so get going.

Get out of there, Beavis. I want the window.

Why don't you take turns?

Hey, buddy, check it out. It's that slot from the plane.

Oh, why, it's you two.

How'd you do in Las Vegas?

We didn't score yet.

Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear that. Me, I took a beating.

Cool.

That's why I'm busting it across America.

Jim, Jim, I want you to meet two nice boys.

This is Travis and Bob.

And what's your last name, dear?

Uh, Head.

My first name's Butt.

Agent Fleming, ATF.

So, are you going to tell us where it is, or am I going to have to have Agent

Hurley over there give you another cavity search?

Is that a promise?

Look, Mrs. Scum, we know who you are.

Tell her, Bork.

Dallas Grimes.

Married to Muddy Grimes. You run a mom -and -pop -arm smuggling ring.

You got my bad side.

Three days ago, you pulled a job at the Army Research Facility in Hadley,

Nevada, where you stole the X -5 unit.

Now, we happen to know you had the unit with you when you checked in here, so

why don't you be a good girl and tell us where it is?

You gonna charge me with anything?

I didn't think so.

You want to let me go now or wait till my lawyer files a wrongful arrest?

We got nothing, Chief. We tore the place apart. We can only legally hold her for

another couple of hours.

Damn it.

Cut her loose.

Where's that damn unit?

We're in Washington.

Yeah, we're in a core now.

Actually, son, where's the Hoover Dam?

No, no. We're in Washington!

Yeah.

We're gonna score now!

Over 40 ,000 tons of concrete were used in the construction of the Hoover Dam.

From top to bottom, the dam is 51 stories.

It has a maximum capacity for generating 2 .074 megawatts of electricity.

But on the average, it generates about 25 % of that.

Now, can anybody tell me how much energy it takes to power Las Vegas?

Um, yeah, I just have a question. Um, hey, is this a goddamn... You know,

goddamn, you know.

If you'll follow me this way.

This is dumb.

Let's go find that chick.

Yeah, enough of this crap.

Whoa, check it out, butthead TV.

Cool.

I gotta hit the head.

Can you get me some coffee? All right.

Talk to me, Bork.

Chief, we found a witness that says he saw two teenagers leaving Dallas' room

shortly before we arrived.

Did you give him a full cavity search?

Uh, the witness?

Yes, you can never be too careful, Bork.

Well, sir, I didn't really think it was necessary.

You see, we have a picture of them from the elevator security cam.

Here, have a look.

What the hell?

They look like a couple of kids, Chief.

Bork, don't you realize what kids today are capable of?

Don't you read the papers?

What the... Damn it.

All they have are these shows about water.

Yeah, really.

They need some shows about fire.

What are you doing, Beva?

Something's wrong with my butt.

Your butt sucks.

Hey, how come there's no sound?

I'll fix it.

You know,

I tell you what, it doesn't get any better than this.

This here is God's country.

Unpoiled. I think I found the remote.

What the hell's going on?

Oh, where?

That's all I know.

They got on the tour bus. It was probably heading west.

Please, I'm gonna kill him!

That was boring.

Just the same thing over and over again.

Uh, wait a minute. We can't leave Washington until we find that chick.

Oh, we're a long way from Washington, Bob. This is the Hoover Dam.

Damn. Only that.

boys better show up.

You see what I see, Bork? I see it, I just don't get it.

You got half the state looking for you. How do you get away?

Cut the power.

Damn right.

Bork, we're dealing with real pros here. My opinion, terrorists.

What's the scoop on that stolen unit?

Well, sir, it's not good.

Roll the tape.

The X5 unit is a new top -secret biological weapon, a man -made virus,

deadliest known to man. It could wipe out five states in five days.

Here's what happened when it was tested on a group of Army recruits.

Look at these guys, Chief.

This thing is a veritable doomsday device.

Jesus jumped up. Christ, if this were to fall into the wrong hands.

It gets worse. The unit wasn't finished. It has a flaw, the casing.

If hit hard enough, it could break open, releasing the virus.

Okay, people.

As of right now, these are the most dangerous men in America.

I want these faces in front of every fed and two -bit sheriff within a thousand

miles. The orders are dead or alive.

Let's just pray that nothing hits that human.

Ow! Ow!

Cut it out, butthead! Get out of the way, weaver. I don't want to sit by the

window. Ow!

Okay, people.

Next stop, Grand Canyon.

It's like it's coming out of his ass, but then it's like also coming out of

ass of the ass.

It's like the poop coming out of the ass of the ass.

There are over 200 active geysers in Yellowstone Park.

Old Faithful here is one of the largest. During an eruption, the water can reach

as high as 200 feet.

The geyser shoots out over 12...

thousand gallons of water in a single eruption.

That's not that much, really. Yeah, really.

Let's get out of here.

If you'll just step over here, the geyser is seconds away from...

Oh, it's incredible.

Oh, yeah.

That's amazing.

That's incredible.

That's amazing.

Can't wait forever.

Damn, kid.

Holy fuck.

Don't appreciate anything.

Oh, my God.

Wait, stop!

Darn it.

Get me the police!

This is the coolest thing I have ever seen.

Chief, we got them. They're on a senior citizen's tour bus going south on

Highway 89.

Uh,

is this the right bus?

Hey, baby, we're on a bus with chicks.

Hey, baby.

They're not on the bus.

These people know something. I want full cavity searches.

Everyone, go deep on them.

Agent Hurley?

I tell you, Bork, these guys are smart.

Damn smart. They're probably a hundred miles away by now.

Hey, buddy, this book kicked ass.

There's a talking snake and a naked chick, and then this dude puts a leaf on

schlong.

out butthead port -a -potties. Cool.

I gotta take a dump.

Uh, where's my toilet?

Forgive me, Father, I sinned. I, uh, I slept with a woman, and, uh... Really?

Was she naked?

Well... Yes, Father.

Please forgive me. Cool.

Could you, like, say her boobs?

Uh, I'm sorry.

How many Hail Mary?

A thousand.

And I want you to hit yourself.

Right now.

Uh, now?

Yeah. Do it.

Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Harder. Oh. Do it again.

Oh!

Wood.

You may wonder, how can wood get so hard?

Well, the wood became hard over two million years ago.

Wood. Hey, where'd those chicks go?

I think you scared them off.

This sucks.

What are we doing here?

Uh, I don't know.

Uh, do you know where Washington is?

Uh, yeah. About 2 ,000 miles that way.

Cool. Thanks.

Didn't see which way they went. Didn't see their vehicle.

I don't suppose you tried to stop them.

The most dangerous guys in America?

No, thank you. I make $9 an hour.

National security is a responsibility of every American.

Bork. Cavity search.

Deep and hard.

Agent Hurley.

They're not going to get away this time.

I want roadblocks. Every road out of here for 200 miles.

Um, this sucks.

It's all hot and stuff.

This desert is stupid.

They need to put a drinking fountain out here.

Yeah, yeah, or like a 7 -Eleven or something.

Something wrong, officer?

Sir, we're looking for these two fugitives.

Well, I'll be danged.

That's them two kids that have been quacking in my camper.

You saw these two?

I sure did.

Boy, I never seen two kids do so much damn quacking. Blue Den, this is Post 9.

have positive ID. Boy, they're just like a couple little old spider monkeys, I

tell you what. Sir, I'm going to have to ask you and your wife to step out of

the vehicle.

Well, now, wait a minute. Me and the missus here are on our way to

.C. Now!

You're dealing with the veterans to foreign wars. They're the ones that...

find anything broken in there, you and I are going to tangle.

Master beating is a man's camper.

We're dealing with two sick individuals.

I want that camper torn apart. Full cavity searches all around.

You can't do this. Something tells me he could be involved.

What in the hell? Now wait just a minute. Chief just came in.

Two days ago, Express Airways had a disturbance by someone calling himself

Cornholio. Guess who matches the description?

Finally, a real break. Get me that flight's point of origin. We're gonna

some ass.

My butt and your, uh, butt.

And

here's

a song that might help you cope with some of those feelings, okay? It's

Lesbian Seagull.

She flies so gracefully over rocks.

Trees and sand.

Soaring over cliffs and gently floating down to land.

She proudly lifts her voice to sound the mating call.

And soon her mate responds by singing, call, call, call.

Come with me, lesbian seagull.

Settle down and rest with me.

Fly high, lesbian seagull.

That's him.

He's their teacher.

Yeah. What's going on here?

I'll ask the questions.

Are these your students?

I assume you're a government agent.

I would think you would know there's something in this country called due

process. Okay?

That's about the kind of talk I'd expect from the guy who taught these two.

Take this scum away.

I believe I'm supposed to be read my Miranda right.

Now... I always knew they were no good.

I hate you. Shut up.

You've been harboring two criminal masterminds.

Chief, you know that guy who's camper they were whacking off in? Bork.

You are a federal agent. You represent the United States government. Never end

sentence with a preposition.

Oh, uh, you know that guy in whose camper they... I mean, that

guy off in whose camper they were whacking.

That's better. Yes?

We run a sample through the National Criminal Sperm Bank and come up with two

possible genetic matches for a father.

Former Motley Crue roadies turn drifters.

You were a roadie for Motley Crue?

Yep.

Fire.

Here's another true story.

About 15 years ago, we stopped in this toilet called Highland.

Really? That's where we're from.

Well, then you know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, here's a story.

I scored with these two chicks.

True story. Yeah, me too.

You scored with two chicks?

Yeah, they were sluts.

Shut up, dumbass. You didn't score. I scored with both of them.

Do you think these two sluts still live in Highland?

That would be cool.

Hey, you want to see something really cool?

Fire!

for something.

to be like water and cactus of...

Hey,

Venus.

Check it out.

Well, no, I can't say that I've seen him, officer.

I sure hope it's safe to drive around here.

Don't worry, sir. Just stick to the main roads. If they're around, they're

probably hiding out in the desert.

Well, that's good to know, officer.

Yeah.

Hey,

butthead. Are we gonna die?

Uh, probably.

Whoa.

I think my life is, like, flashing in front of my eyes.

Whoa.

My life was cool.

Wait a minute. I think I'm seeing something, too.

It's like a really long time ago.

Yeah, this is gonna be cool.

Hey, how's it going?

I scored.

Hey, buddy.

I'm starting to feel weird.

I think I'm freaking out.

Uh, okay.

It's like everything looks all weird and... Like, there's all these weird

and... And it's more like... It's like a... It's like a music video!

Cool.

Water.

Well, I'm going to enjoy this.

Any last words before I kill you?

I have a couple.

Butt cheeks.

Yeah, yeah.

And boobs.

I just want to say that again.

Boobs. I'm going to blow your boat to hell. That's what I'm going to do.

Cool.

Whoa. Hey, Beavis.

That's that dude that's paying us to do his wife.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Um, can you just take us to Washington?

We're gonna meet her there and, you know, um... Washington?

That's where she's gonna meet up with you?

You know, I just might need you boys after all.

All right, get in the trunk.

Both of you. Now!

Boy, it sure is hard to score.

Yeah, really.

Check it out, man. That Jack.

Hey, Beavis, check it out.

I'm jacking off.

Uh,

let's get out of here.

You go first, Beavis.

I don't know, Butthead, that road's, like, moving pretty fast and stuff. Come

on, Beavis.

Just start running really fast as soon as you hit the ground.

It'll work. No way. You go. Don't be a wuss, Beavis.

No!

That was cool.

wouldn't give for five minutes alone with them two little bats.

Well, Bob,

the news out here is not good.

Authorities are calling this the worst.

Chief, look.

There'll be a blue -nosed gopher.

Where did these guys come from?

The question is, where are they going?

In other news, GPAC is set to begin at 2 p .m. tomorrow when representatives

from around the world... What the hell?

Bork, that bus we picked up, where was it heading?

D .C., Chief. Jesus, jumped up.

Mark, can you imagine what would happen if they set that thing off in our

nation's capital? Or even worse, if they sold it to some damn foreigner at that

conference? Well, it's not going to happen.

Whoa.

This kicks ass.

Levis and Bobhead!

Hello!

They bought it at that check.

Oh, yeah.

Cool. Maybe they can take us to Washington and we can finally...

Yeah.

Um, isn't Seattle in Washington?

Uh, yep. It sure is.

Cool. I'm thinking after we score, maybe we can go see Holes.

Where is

it?

All senators are requested for a vote.

Senators are requested for a vote.

Can I help you?

We're looking for Washington.

We're going to meet this chick with really big hooters.

Sir, you are in Washington.

Really? Well, where is she?

Could you, like, make an announcement that we're ready to score?

No.

Just a moment.

We're looking for the chick with big boobs.

Yeah, yeah. We are ready to do you now.

I guess you forget who you're dealing with, honey.

You see, I got your mules right here in my trunk.

Hey!

How'd I hit him? Damn!

I am gonna kill him!

No, honey.

We are gonna kill him.

Next stop, White House.

Hey, wait a minute. What's going on? Why are we getting back on the bus?

It's time to go, son.

We can't leave.

We never met that chick.

Damn it. We were supposed to get some.

Settle down, Beavis. No, I won't settle down.

Not this time.

Damn it. This always happens. I think I'm going to score, and then I never

score. It's not fair.

We've traveled a... A hundred miles, because we thought we were going to

But now it's not going to happen. Damn it. Hey, buddy, sit down. Shut up,

asswipe. I'm sick and tired of this.

We're never going to score.

It's just not going to happen.

We're just going to get old like these people, but they've probably scored.

I'm more than you. Sit down.

It's like this kid's a slut.

And look at this guy. He's old, but he's probably scored a million times.

Oh, yeah.

But not us.

We're never going to score.

Well,

look what we have here.

You two make me sick.

Bork, I'm Bork. You don't have anything on us and you know it.

Oh, I don't, huh? How about lewd conduct?

Maybe indecent exposure?

Here's what's gonna happen.

One of you is gonna make a deal and get me the unit. The other can spend the

next 60 years in jail.

That's where you're wrong, boy.

Me and my wife are back together and you will never... He stole the unit.

Said he put it in some kid's pants.

Why, you damn little four -legged... Hey, take it easy!

I'm gonna rip your... Now, Travis, it doesn't do a body

good to get all worked up.

Here. This should help you relax.

Does that say Xanax?

Um, yeah.

Um, yeah, probably. I don't know.

Hey, boys and girls, our suspects are on a tour bus we believe to be heading for

the White House.

Trump and Jesus.

I want everyone there. Our people, locals, orders are shoot to kill.

shoot to kill.

Shut up, Lena.

I'll be your tour guide. In case you don't know, you've come on a very

day. Gathered at the White House today for an historic global conference called

Give Peace a Chance, or GPAC, are representatives from around the world.

Many of the portraits you see were saved from the fire set by the British in

1814.

What's your problem, Beavis?

The site for the White House was chosen by President Washington and Pierre L

'Enfant.

Sir?

Sir, are you okay?

Are you threatening me?

I am Cornholio.

Okay.

Sir, maybe... You should wait out in the lobby.

In this lobby, will there be tipi for my mouth?

The room was originally designed...

Boy,

where are you when we need you, Ike?

I tell you what, honey, even with all... we've been through it don't change a

thing i said it before and i'll say it again this is the greatest country on

earth and i say that looks kind of like no it couldn't be

are

you threatening me i am

cornholio

Yes, the president does plan to speak today at the GPAC conference. Mr.

Secretary, Mr. Secretary, what about the rumors that a biological weapon has

been stolen and smuggled out of the country during this conference?

Those rumors are entirely unfounded.

Those rumors are entirely unfounded.

I am the great Cornholio.

I'm a gringo.

I have no bunghole.

Bungholio.

This is the state dining room, where the most powerful world leaders are

entertained. Hey.

Uh, where's the TV?

Uh, there are no TVs in the dining room.

The house fucks. Please follow me.

Evacuation?

It's probably just another bomb threat or something.

Okay.

Is this the lobby?

Yes,

Mr. President.

Mr.

President. Mr.

President, I can't make out what you're saying.

Sir, the President sounds strange. Something's going on. I don't think it's

drill. Washington may be under attack.

Go to DEFCON 4.

Move it along, folks. Move it along.

Whoa.

Hey, baby.

I noticed you have braces.

I have braces, too.

That was cool.

Whoa.

This is the coolest thing I have ever seen.

All right, where's the unit?

Uh, my unit?

In my pants?

Not on him, Chief.

Agent Hurley, I want you to give this scumbag a cavity search. I'm talking

-Rooter. Don't stop till you reach the back of his teeth.

Yeah.

Sir, we're awaiting your final order. I order you to surrender your teepee.

Give me that.

Mr. President, in the name of all that holy, I must have those launch codes.

I am Cornholio.

You will cooperate with my bunghole.

For there is but one bunghole.

The almighty bunghole.

He's clean, Chief.

Did I just score?

The other guy must have it.

He's got to be in here somewhere.

Excuse

me,

I'm terribly sorry for the inconvenience, gentlemen, but we're

wait outside for a moment. Follow me, please.

What do you say?

Teepee for my bunghole?

Teepee for my bunghole.

Pretty good.

Let these gentlemen through, please. They're with the conference.

It's okay. It's them.

Take another run from your own bunghole.

Bunghole, bunghole, bunghole.

Aha!

Boy,

I tell you what, it really makes you proud.

I could stay in here all day.

Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Now, wait just a minute. Now.

now, that's enough.

I've been planning this trip my whole life, and, hey, hey, what do you think

you're... I mean, something about a cornhole. Now, we haven't even seen the

Lincoln room yet.

Damn it. Now, let go of me.

Uh, say, Chief, isn't that the guy whose camper they were whacking? I mean, off

in whose whacking camper... Not now, Bork.

I'll tell you what, honey, this country's going to hell in a handbag.

I'm going to go over right now and talk to my congressman about this.

What the hell?

Wait here a minute.

What in the hell is that damn noise?

What?

Pull your damn pants up, boy. I don't want to see that.

Damn it. Get out of here.

And if I ever catch you whacking in here again, I'm gonna hog tie you.

Ah, damn it. Now I gotta straighten up in here.

We just cleared all four floors. No sign of him.

Damn, where the hell is he?

Say, Chief, isn't that the camper?

Bork, not now. Chief, look.

Well, that'll be a monkey's bare -ass uncle.

Attention all units, we've got him.

He's in front of a white camper on Pennsylvania Avenue.

Okay,

nobody

shoot. You can still have the unit on him.

Keep your distance.

We don't want to take a chance on hitting it.

Where are his pants?

Who knows?

This is Agent Fleming, ATF. We won't hurt you. Just want the unit.

Tell us where the unit is.

Do you have teepee? Me?

Teepee for my bunghole?

We'll get you whatever you want.

Get better than kid. We might need... Do you have any oleo?

Uh, yeah, this is pork.

Listen, we need some pee -pee and some... What did he say?

Whoa.

That's a roll.

Can I have a gun, too?

You must bow down to the almighty bunghole.

This is your last chance.

Give us the unit now.

Why does everybody want to see my schlong?

He's jerking us off.

I think we're going to have to take him out.

Get ready to fire on my orders.

This is your last chance.

I'm going to give you three seconds.

Okay, boys.

Get ready to fire on the count of three.

One.

I will show you my bunghole.

Two.

I have no bunghole.

What's going on?

What is it?

Three. Take your damn pants with you. Hold your fire. What in the hell? The

pants. He's got the unit.

Drop the pants. Now.

Now, wait a minute. I ain't the one.

Take a look at this.

How do you explain this?

What in the hell are you talking about?

So, using two innocent teenagers as pawns in your sick game, huh? Look, I

already told you I don't know what in the hell this is about. Take him away.

Hey, get your damn hands off me!

wrong with him.

Yeah.

He had a lot of problems.

He used to hit me, too.

Uh, hey.

Does anyone want to see my unit?

I got to admit it. I had you boys figured wrong.

I thought you were scum. But you saved more lives today than you'll ever know.

You led us to one of the sickest criminals in our history.

This country owes you a debt.

Does that mean we're going to get, like, money and stuff?

And chicks.

We were supposed to score.

For security reasons, your actions will have to remain top secret.

But someone very special wants to give his thanks.

Babish and Butthead, on behalf of your fellow Americans, I extend my deepest

thanks. You exemplify a fine new crop of young Americans who will grow into the

leaders of this great country.

He said extend.

In recognition for your great service, I'm appointing you honorary agents in

Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms. Whoa.

Alcohol and tobacco?

Yeah. And firearms.

Cool, huh?

Cigarettes and beer kick ass.

Yeah, yeah.

We're in the Bureau of Beer and Fire and Cigarettes.

And maybe some tips, too.

This is gonna be cool.

You know what, Buck?

We never scored and we never got any money.

Yeah, really.

And my butt's still sore.

And that chick with the braces. Butt -Head!

Butt -Head, look!

Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes!

Oh, yes!

Oh, yes!

Hey,

Butt -Head.

Do you think we're ever gonna score?

Eh, I probably will. But not you.

You're too much of a butt monkey.

Shut up.

Dill hole.

Butt dumpling.

Turd burglar.

Ass goblin.

Shut up, butthead.

Hey,

doesn't Tom Anderson live on the street?

Uh, yeah.

I just need to stop by his tool shed for a couple minutes.

You know what I'm saying?

Tool. Thank you for watching.

Come with me, lesbian seagull.

Settle down and rest with me.

Oh, fly with me, lesbian seagull.

To my little nest by the sea.

That's where you belong with me.

I know I can be strong when you're, you're with me.

Show us!

We'll be right

back.

I guess that's what it sounds like when a duck fries.

I was trapped up in a maze, but you saved this real good loving for rainy

The Lord works in mysterious ways. He must have put you on this earth for all

men to pray.

As I travel through your body, our souls become one.

Indivisible. Getting critical, son. I'm on the run from love. It takes me out

the bag. It's a point boat.

You hit it right on the head. It's an endless adventure.

Two bodies collide.

King fulfilling dreams with a queen by his side. Forever.

Every time we intertwine. Destiny.

We fall in love by design.

What's yours is mine. And what's mine is yours. It's a road less traveled as I

to explore. I adore you. Heavenly angels shine light. Hold my hand. I'll be your

guide.

You can take it, girl. Stop running. You can take it, girl. Stop running.

You can take it, girl. Stop running.

You can take it, girl. Stop running.

You can take it, girl.

Stop running.

You can take it, girl. Stop running.

You can take it, girl. Stop running.

Come on now.

Man don't choose a woman. A woman chooses a man.

If you have one second, then I'll give you the full plunge.

One, two, one, one, two, one. Ice out and we'll break the scene.

You know what I mean?

I know.

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