Original subtitles

Due to a new school board edict, we will not be running ball handling drills

today. We will be building empathy. Do you know what empathy is, butthead?

Uh, is that like... Something to do with ball handling?

Shut up! Empathy! Empathy is when you feel what someone else is feeling. Do

understand?

Uh, feel someone else?

Shut up! Now, you will take these self -esteem worksheets and you will make

copies. Uh, you mean like with the copy machine?

Cool. Yes, but let me be clear. You will only copy the worksheet.

You will not copy your butts again.

Do you understand, Beavis?

Um, so, um, do not copy my butt. Say it again. Do not copy my butt.

Again. Do not copy my butt.

Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt.

I can't hear you. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt.

Do not copy my butt.

Not copy my butt.

Not copy my butt.

Not copy my butt.

Not copy my butt.

Not copy my butt. Not copy my butt.

Not copy my butt.

Not copy my butt. Not copy my butt. Copy my butt. Copy my butt. Copy my butt. My

butt. My butt. My beavis.

You know what would be cool?

You should, like, copy your butt.

Oh, yeah.

Get up here.

That was cool.

My butt.

My name's Andrew.

I'm 27 years old. And I have a foot fetish.

Foot fetish?

What is that? I think that's like where chicks' feet give you a boner.

You mean just from looking at them?

Yeah.

And I think sometimes they like touch them and like queer off with their feet.

Whoa, really?

What if kids see this?

Are you in your room?

Yeah. Yeah. Is there anybody around?

Have your feet.

And what are your feet wearing?

Oh, nice.

Sexy.

Yeah, I gotta say, butthead, I've seen better.

Better feet, you know.

You know, it's MTV, you know.

I can't wait to meet you. Love your face.

Bye -bye.

Oh, good, she's gone. Now I can get back to foot tube.

Get ready to roll out of here. Head to the airport.

This guy's like, hey, what do you say we go over to airport security and watch

people take their shoes off?

Yeah,

he could get a job there.

He could get paid to have a boner all day long.

Yeah, that would be cool.

Welcome to your final resting place.

Uh -oh.

Uh -oh.

All right, all right, come on.

Yeah, come on. Let's get busy. Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Her butt is right there. Come on. It's right there. Yeah, come on.

We should, like, make a deal with this guy that while he's playing with her

feet, we can, like, you know, play around with the rest of her.

Where does he work?

I guess that's his job.

He goes down to the Red Robin and growls.

Kramer party of three. Your table is ready.

Thank you very much.

I'll be here all week.

Butt went through the glass.

I can't move.

It's going to be okay.

Now, butthead, you have a very important role here. You need to keep your friend

calm. Just take his hand.

No, thank you.

Hurry up and get that moron out of there. I need that copier fixed.

Sir, we can't move him. His femoral artery may be cut. I just can't see. The

only way to look is by moving him off the copier. But if we move him, he could

bleed out.

Eh, I know a way to look.

Yeah, what's that?

You could copy his butt.

That would be cool.

I don't care about the risk to that idiot.

If you don't get him out, you risk 30 kids in my class failing a standardized

test. Now pull him out and fix it. Yes, and I need those self -esteem flyers.

Okay, okay, look.

Here's what we can do. We'll take the upper carriage of the copier off and

move him with it. Anything else is too risky.

Tom, go get the jaws of life.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on a second.

Oh, thank God you're here.

You take that carriage off, you're going to be waiting a long time for your

tests and flyers and such.

That baby's going to take three days to repair, minimum.

You're going to die.

Ow.

I'm here live at Highland High School where a local teenager is still trapped

the copier. The only thing holding his femoral artery together is a shard of

glass stuck in his rectum.

As you can see behind me, these brave firemen will be using the jaws of life

extract him. But don't think for one second that this will be resolved

There will be dangers throughout, and this young teenager could bleed out and

die at any moment.

You start sawing through that thing, you can say goodbye to your toner and light

generator, too.

Don't count on seeing a test or a menu until next week.

Well, we either saw through the machine or we saw through the boy.

Uh, I say saw through the boy.

That would be cool. Oh, yeah. Oh, no.

You've got to be kidding me. This is ridiculous.

Just do it. No, no.

I want to see your female artery.

What are you doing? No, no, no, no.

Cut it out, buddy.

Ow!

Ow, my butt!

Ow!

I guess it wasn't his femoral artery. Looks like it's just lacerations to the

rectum.

Although he is now out of the copier, do not think for one second that this

young teenager saga is over.

Why are they showing all these guys crotches?

I think this is like a masturbation experiment.

Yeah, it's about time, you know, because I'm... I've always been saying they

need to have more fun for masturbation research.

Yeah, really.

The Chinese are killing us.

Masturbation frequency dialed in.

You know, it's about time they spend my tax dollars on something I can use. You

know what I'm saying?

My masturbation helmet doesn't have naked chicks in it.

You have a masturbation helmet?

I mean, it's a football helmet, you know.

Safety first, you know.

Okay,

Beavis.

You have now masturbated.

Congratulations. You may go, but leave the helmet.

You masturbated, huh? Uh -huh.

Whoa. You have to use the same helmet as that other guy?

Yeah.

The doctor's like, no, no, no one used this before. It's brand new.

Why is it all steamy?

Those are special gases we use to enhance the masturbation.

So that's this guy's fantasy?

What kind of sick bastard is fantasizing about this?

On my tax dollars!

Yeah.

I think it's part of the stimulus package.

I wonder if, like, after you're done, you could use that helmet to, like,

Meet the Fockers or something.

That would be cool.

Don't think for even a second that the trauma and tragedy of this amazing

has abated.

I'm interviewing noted TV psychologist and diet expert Dr.

Gene Shepard about the long road to recovery ahead.

Tell us, Dr.

Shepard, what challenges will young Beavis face when he is reintegrated into

society? It's going to be a long road, Jim. The life Beavis knew before is

Even in the best case scenario, he will not only be scarred rectally, he will be

scarred psychologically as well.

From Highland High School, I am a very relieved...

Jim Baxley, back to you, Miguel.

Now those stitches will dissolve on their own.

Yeah, into his butt.

Guess that's it, everybody.

You're lucky that you almost died, or you would be in big trouble.

If you ever try to copy your butt again, I will have you expelled from the

entire school system.

Don't copy my butt.

Don't copy my butt.

I wonder what my butt looks like with all those stitches.

Probably looks like a baseball.

Can't see him.

Hey, Beavis, why don't you take a picture of it?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, that's a good idea.

Sit up here.

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