Original subtitles

Okay, class. The purpose of today's field trip, which I'm conducting under

protest... is to acquaint you with the potential careers in the U .S. Army.

Okay. Now, according to their well -orchestrated propaganda campaign, this

the place where you can be all that you can be.

Hey, aren't there, like, more people in this class?

Yeah, where's the rest of them? How come they didn't have to go? Well, the

evaluations made by the guidance counselor indicated that they would be

served by visiting Hewlett -Packard.

Class, this is 2nd Lieutenant Decker, our guide today.

Now, I know we all think of the Army as a killing machine, but unlike the

marauding forces that perpetrated war crimes in Vietnam, today's Army focuses

more on peacekeeping and winning hearts and minds.

Okay? No, it's about killing the enemy.

We actually focus on that quite a bit. Right. Well, killing them with kindness.

Not so much, really. Mostly with weapons.

Everything from bayonets to stinger missiles.

Yes, which are fired only in self -defense.

Sometimes. Sometimes we just kill the bastards in their sleep.

Gives us the element of surprise.

Hmm.

Um, how about we take a look at the barracks?

He said bear racks.

Bear racks.

Take a look at those.

Where's the bathroom around here?

Uh, I don't know.

I think they call it something else in the army, like the meth hall or

something.

Really? It's disgusting.

Uh, I think he said the meth hall is that way.

Uh... Is that Deadmouth?

Oh, yeah, he looks like Eminem without his mouth helmet.

Yeah, really.

Oh, check it out.

Deadmouth is dead.

I'll be damned.

Remember that time that kid at school died?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, who was that?

Um... Uh... Hmm.

Was it Stuart?

No. Stuart's still alive.

We saw him yesterday.

Oh, we did?

I usually don't notice.

I know Daria killed herself. I remember that.

She didn't kill herself. She just moved away.

What, really?

Well...

Yeah, that's kind of surprising.

You know, I thought she killed herself.

Remember when they sent that grief counselor to talk to us right after

his name was died?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, he was cool.

You let us call him Rick.

Yeah, he, like, turned his chair backwards and rolled up his sleeve.

You know, he invited me over to his apartment for spaghetti, too.

That's kind of weird.

You didn't go, did you?

Um, maybe. I don't really remember.

Last thing I remember, I got into his van, and, um, he gave me some lemonade.

And then the next thing I remember, I woke up under a bridge.

Eh.

Are you just making this up? You never told me about this.

Now, see, that's exactly what Rick said would happen if I ever told anybody.

They would say I made it up, see?

Eh.

You're a smart guy, that Rick.

Okay,

Beaver. You know, I think he can see into the future, too, because he also

me that my butt might hurt for a couple days.

And it did.

You see that?

Amazing.

I'm me. Hey, I'm me.

General, where's the bathroom?

Yeah, I need to pee all I can pee.

Real funny, kid.

Hey, Jim, I'm hitting the head.

Yeah, I got to pee all I can pee.

I'm funny.

That was pretty good.

This room is off limits. From the command center inside, our soldiers can

control unmanned planes all over the world.

Hmm. For food drops, or...? Well, the Army does have a popular phrase, eat

So I guess you could look at it that way.

How are things in the Kushan Pass today? Any terrorist activity?

Nope. It's been pretty quiet, so I've been paying bills online.

We're doing Tammy's birthday down the hall. Want to get some cake?

Hell, yeah. I could use some R &R.

Ugh, this war is starting to get to me.

Uh, Deer Drain Central?

This must be the bathroom.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You know, see, that makes more sense than calling it a bathroom because

where you go to drain your lizard.

You know what I'm saying?

Drain central.

Whoa. Are these video games?

Yeah, cool.

Me first.

Yeah, yeah.

I hope this game is unrated. That was cool.

Oh, check it out.

I think this is Grand Theft Auto San Andreas, but with airplanes.

Cool. Where are the prostitutes?

I think you need to find San Andreas first.

Here we go.

I'm going to shoot some prostitutes.

Whoa, check it out.

Are those prostitutes? I think they have fur coats on.

Whoa. Damn it, butthole. You scared away all the prostitutes.

Let me handle this.

Hey, Beavis, check it out.

I'm fantasizing about your mom.

Wank. I was here first. Dammit, Beavis, I'm gonna kick your ass.

Whoa.

This one's cooler anyway.

This is gonna be cool.

I'll show you how to find some prostitutes.

Man, four cases of MREs.

Hey, I thought you said we had three training drones.

I only count two.

Just write down two.

And for computer printers, put down five. I'm shipping a couple home to my

How do I get back to San Andreas?

I'll find some prostitutes.

I'm going back to college.

Uh, this is like those instructions you get when you try to buy a bed at Ikea.

The bed shouldn't have instructions.

Except for, like, sleep.

And get it on. Yeah, really.

That's why I stole this couch.

Remember when you were little and your mom tried to lose you at Ikea?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, she's like, just lay down and take a nap right here, Beavis.

Everything's gonna be fine.

And then she couldn't find her way out and she kept running into you again.

Yeah, she wanted to go to Las Vegas with the bikers.

Yeah, they finally found her fighting in the parking lot.

Oh, yeah.

And then they made me go live with that family, the Fosters.

Is that a lesbian or a Mexican?

I mean, you're not supposed to say those words, but it... Really?

Remember that guidance counselor came and told us that those were both bad

words?

Oh, yeah.

He said those words were, like, intolerable or something.

I think this is a diagram that shows how the butt works.

It's a digestive system of a lesbian.

I mean, oh, damn it.

Whoa.

They gave a poopsicle to that kid.

Whoa. Hey, buddy, check out my score.

I'm already up to 15 and 5 ,035 points.

I still can't find any prostitutes.

Yeah.

I didn't get any points for that.

Oh, yeah, there we go.

The fuck?

I don't have any bullets.

How am I supposed to shoot prostitutes?

Need an ammo icon.

Okay.

I think I see one.

But remember, class, you still need to study, okay? Because the basis for a

successful career in the Army is a solid high school education.

I wish that were true. But statistically, we find juvenile

best warriors.

This is crazy. Cool.

Yep.

Look out, prostitutes. Here we come.

Face means, like, guidos, juice head, gorillas, sexy, tan,

sweaty, boys.

Guidos, juice heads, and gorillas. Oh, my.

Like, um, what's the difference between a juice head and a gorilla?

I think all juice heads are automatically gorillas.

But you can be a gorilla and not be a juice head.

Okay, but then... So are all guidos gorillas and juice heads?

I think to be a guido, you have to at least be a gorilla or a juice head.

But you don't have to be both of them.

Okay, so everybody who's a guido is either

a juice head or a gorilla.

And then all the juice heads...

A gorilla. But you could be a gorilla and not be a guido or a juice head.

But you could be two.

Am I right?

Yeah.

I think you figured it out, Beavis.

Now repeat it.

I'm me.

Okay, I'm me.

I think I'm a gorilla in a...

The Guido was... Damn it, I think I forgot.

So it's Snooki or Gorilla?

Damn it, Beavis.

You've watched three seasons of this show and you've learned nothing.

What a waste of time.

Oh, yeah.

Guess I need to watch them again.

So, like, where do you find the prostitutes?

They mostly seem to be in the fields and stuff.

I must be on another level or something.

Maybe there's some whores in that park over there.

I see some people under that white square.

Maybe there's some pimps I can run over.

I,

Xander, with an X, take you, Cassandra, to be my mate for this life and the ones

that follow.

I can't marry you without my cake.

Thank God.

That's cool.

Nail.

Drill.

How come all these hot girls are working construction?

This is what happens when hot girls don't go to college.

What are they building?

They're like erecting a structure in my pants.

You're pretty funny, butthead.

That was pretty good.

Well, thank you.

Whatever they're building would probably collapse.

But nobody would care.

They'd just keep hiring them.

No, that's okay. Just tear it down and build a new one. Real slow.

Boy, if there was an earthquake, I wouldn't want to be in a building these

chicks built.

I'd like to be under her boobs during an earthquake, though.

Yeah, man.

You know, I like this, you know? For some reason.

I like this video. Yeah.

Every video from now on should be exactly like this.

Yeah, but longer.

I'm going to shoot some gang members.

That would be cool.

Damn it. I still can't find any prostitutes.

You see, now, I offer three kinds of parties.

The $200 party is what I call the deluxe.

that bequeaths you a backstage pass.

This stupid game doesn't have any prostitutes. Doesn't have any music

Your army needs to get, like, a kick -ass soundtrack for its video games.

Uh, cool.

At least there's a couple lawyers I can run over.

Well, I'll be honest with you. I think your Mormon beliefs are a little screwy.

But I still have respect for your college football team.

And that Marie Osmond... That

was cool.

I want to run over some lawyers, too.

Hey, Kurt.

Now they've got ice cream. Wait. No one told me there'd be ice cream.

Yeah.

I'm gonna blow up some cars, and then a gas station, and then a bunch of other

stuff.

Dammit, my game sucks.

I haven't blown anything up yet.

I'm gonna blow up a water tower.

That would rule.

Dammit, mine doesn't have any guns or bombs.

This must be like the kids' version.

Well, class, hopefully you learned something today, namely that there are

exciting careers in the military that aren't violent and destructive, okay?

can have a meaningful job right here where it's peaceful and safe.

A little GTO.

Gym tan laundry.

Gym tan laundry. Gym tan laundry.

Whoa.

Is she on a leash?

Oh, yeah.

I think that's to keep her away from all the gorillas and juice heads at the

gym.

Otherwise, she'd just go do them all.

She's like a man.

Can't seem to get to the top.

I should have told her there was a juice head up there.

Then she'd climb faster.

My hair is getting stronger.

My hair is getting stronger.

Oh, my God, I'm so itchy.

Ow.

I wanted to get, like, really, really dark, so I decided to use motion.

I put a glob on my ass. It's so itchy. It's on fire.

This feels good.

Are you itching it on something?

Just your leftover lasagna.

You know, it's kind of on me.

ass like convenient because she has like you know she has food and some uh

something to drink and her ronald mcdonald socks you're thinking of the

hamburglar but hey that's a poop tune in next week

will snooki poop and if so where

whoa check it out a reservoir i'm gonna blow it up

Whoa, somebody shot at me.

Now I have bullets, Beavis.

This is cool.

Sir, we got a saboteur. A rogue drone just did a kamikaze and was school bus

the base.

Let's do this.

Hey, but I'm getting kind of dizzy. These planes fly too fast to get

prostitutes.

Yeah, these army games suck.

I heard somebody say something about birthday cake. Let's go get some.

What

the

hell?

You're under arrest, saboteur.

Hey, Beavis.

I think I saw some nuts on your ice cream.

I don't see any nuts.

Well, they were there earlier when you weren't looking.

Dumbass.

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