Original subtitles

I promise to love you every moment until the

end of all time.

Well, this isn't very good.

Is Bella a zombie?

Is Bella just like standing there with her mouth open and she acts like she's

dead? Shh, quiet.

Sorry, sorry.

I will fight for you till your heart stops beating.

And then I will still love you.

And then I will keep loving you till the end of time.

How come everybody whispers in these movies?

And they're probably embarrassed.

What do you think?

Shut up.

Oh, sorry.

Hey, Beavis, check this out.

I will fight for you until your heart stops beating.

Can I have some of your popcorn?

Oh, my God. I said shut up.

Damn it. Hey, we want our money back, butthole.

You snuck in.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, now I'm sure you're all familiar with the Twilight series.

You see, the Twilight series follows in the noble footsteps of some of the great

romantic literature we'll be studying.

Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, Bram Stoker's Dracula.

How come chicks like that crap?

never understood it well butthead vampires werewolves and actually all of

classic undead characters are true anti -heroes they have conquered death and

are touched by evil so they are forbidden which of course makes them

irresistible to women hey beaver we should become vampires and werewolves

hey well like how do you become a vampire

Butthole. Well, the unifying romantic mythos is that to join the undead, you

must first be bitten by the undead. Is that all?

Well, that should be easy enough.

Get the binoculars, Beavis.

Uh, Beavis? Butthead? We're gonna score.

Yeah, yeah. I will be a denizen of the night.

We'll be back, ladies.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Firehouse. Fire.

Fire.

Yeah, that's a lot of fire.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, I might read more if they put fire behind the words like that.

Maybe if there's some way to put books on fire while I was reading them, I

read, look at the fire.

That would be cool.

I like some fire.

You sure do.

Is that 16 and pregnant?

No, no, no.

I've seen all of those.

Plus, he already has a baby, so this is probably Teen Mom Season 3.

I've seen all of Season 1 and 2.

She's a lousy mom.

Is this Florida?

Yep,

that's Florida.

Florida, fuck.

She made this little kid cry just so he could be in this video.

That's messed up.

What kind of parents would let their kid be in this video?

Yeah, they're like, okay, son, now there's going to be some scary monsters

some creepy people putting their hands on you.

But you should be able to handle it because you're like, uh, one and a half.

Yeah, you're one now.

Time you start pulling your weight around here.

Hey,

what if that kid has the exact same shorts and shoes that you do?

Uh, oh, yeah.

He looks cool.

He should get, like, a gray T -shirt with ACDC on it.

Sonny would kick ass.

Hi,

baby.

Don't go too far. We're going to be vampires pretty soon.

I don't see any vampires, butthead.

That's probably because it's too bright out here. But remember, any undead will

get us chicks.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I want to be a mummy.

Wait a minute.

Can I even bite?

Whoa. Shut up, Beavis. Look.

A werewolf.

Let me see. Let me see.

Whoa. That's definitely a werewolf.

Yep.

That's a werewolf, all right.

Don't screw this up, Beavis.

Let me do the talking.

How come there aren't any, like, women in his lair?

They're probably out doing his bidding.

Oh, yeah.

Soon they will do our bidding.

Women? Women.

Let me tell you.

I'll tell you something about women. They're all right.

They're fine when they don't know what's happening.

I'm not talking no little bit. You don't listen to me.

You don't listen to me.

Thank you, oh, great master, for sharing your wisdom.

But we're wondering, like, If you could, like, bite us.

Yeah, me too.

You got a dollar?

Uh, we have gum.

I like me gum.

Ow!

Ow!

Ow! Ow!

You don't have to go crazy.

Ow! Okay, okay, that's enough.

I like me gum.

Damn it, that hurt.

Don't worry, Beaver.

It'll be worth it.

And now, let the transformation begin.

Hey there, how we doing today?

We got a complaint called in, Henry. Are you biting people again?

Yes, I are.

But they asked me to do it. Yeah, looks like we're going to have to run them in.

This guy has hep C and God knows what else. Make sure to put your gloves on.

Are we werewolves yet?

It is working.

I think the transformation is complete.

That's nice.

Whoa, look at your face.

Whoa, your arms look cool.

Well, let's go get some girls.

Yeah.

We're at a pizzeria in Florence. But I'm 80 years old, and I'm teaching my kids

how to make pizza, and they ask me, oh, where'd you make pizza?

Bitch, I made it in Florence. That's where I made pizza. She's going to call

grandkids, bitch.

You're the best grandma ever, Grandma JWoww.

And please don't hit us again.

Your Uncle Juicehead and Grandpa Gorilla gonna help us make pizza?

Grandma JWoww, where did you get syphilis?

Yeah, tell us that story, bitch.

Like, I don't speak Italian. How am I supposed to know how to cook a pizza?

Yeah, she doesn't speak Italian. She's an Indian.

Check out the headdress. Come on.

Who made the first pizza pie?

Came out pretty good. I mean, if Snooki can do it, we all can do it. Right?

You know what I mean?

Right? You know what I mean?

Hot salami, okay?

She loves hot salami. She loves hot salami. She loves hot salami. See, he

means schlong.

You think she a slut?

It's good to know. Now let's get back to making a pizza.

I'm DJ. I spin records.

I can spin pizza. That's my job.

I get it. Yeah, he spins records.

And records are around just like the dough so he can spin the dough. See?

You know, it's not funny, but, you know, I get it.

Damn it.

This is like another one of those episodes where they don't have sex and

don't fight.

And there's just way too much demon.

Being a werewolf hurts my bones.

Makes my eyes hurt.

It's all going to be worth it when we're scoring.

Whoa, look.

Whoa. Yes.

See, Beavis?

Those chicks are checking us out.

Oh, my God.

Let's just avoid them.

No. We should probably call a homeless shelter.

It's working.

Whoa. The master was right.

We are ready.

Our powers have summoned these chicks. Finally.

Here they come.

I am willing them this way.

Baby, I will fight for you until your heart stops beating.

We need to get these guys to the hospital.

Wow.

Gangrene, gonorrhea, staph, MRSA.

Hepatitis A, B, and C?

It's amazing these two are even alive.

Yeah, I know they're medical marvels and all that, but I really don't want to

change their catheter again. I swear they start giggling.

They're in deep comas. That's not possible.

Cool. Yeah, that child molester just messed with the wrong preschooler.

What makes you think he's a child molester?

Oh, he's a child molester, believe me.

Every child molester I've ever met looks just like that.

I think maybe this is supposed to be her dad.

He's like...

Never should have sent that kid to Hogwarts.

Yeah, really.

That's really cool and everything, but how come he doesn't just call 911

himself?

Yeah, who's he telling to call 911?

And then what's he going to tell 911 anyway?

Yeah, he'd be like, I told my niece we couldn't go see Smurfs again, and then

she, like, started warping space and time.

Thank you.

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