Original subtitles

So, Lisa, without your knowledge, your dating service set you up with a crazed

cult leader who practiced ritual animal mutilations.

All they told me was he liked animals.

Yeah.

Dead animals.

Well,

what about the satisfied customers, Tom?

It was great, man. I call up the dating service and they send me another victim.

My attorney says you shouldn't give your real name, Geraldo.

Next time I'll know better.

Clearly, dating services are helping people meet people. But do they meet the

right people? When we come back, would you use the dating service? That's our

focus.

Whoa, he's not even on a pogo stick and he can do that. I'll be damned.

Yeah.

Uh,

hey, Satan, how's it going?

How come whenever you see, like, Satan in a video, it's just some dork in a

costume? Yeah.

The real Satan doesn't do videos. Yeah, unless it's, like, for Danzig or

something.

If they really had Satan on this song, it's like you'd hear him talking

backwards and stuff.

It's like he can do that.

Oh, yeah. You know, I can talk backwards.

No, you can't. Yes, sir.

Check this out.

Oh, yeah.

Whoa. That was cool.

Yeah.

Do it again, Beaver.

Okay.

Check this out.

Okay, here we go.

Fine, this is fine.

See?

Now I can buy it.

That was cool.

So, like, what did you say just then?

I said, I said, hey, I'll be gone.

You should try it.

Let me see.

Beavis is a wuss. I mean,

What is Beavis? Yeah, yeah, see?

See, anybody can do it.

How do you do that, Beavis?

You just talk backwards. Yeah, but like... How?

Like this.

I am... Oh, no, wait.

This is... Damn it, I forgot.

I can't do it anymore.

You can't do it anymore.

Don't tell me. Let me guess.

You men want a date.

Yeah, we want two of them. Make it snappy.

I want one with big boobs, please.

Handsome and funny.

Well, first I need you to answer a couple of questions here on our

quiz.

Um, butthead, they didn't say anything about a quiz. Shut up, Mavis. Do you

a score or not?

Okay, name.

Uh, I'm butthead.

Hey, that's okay. A lot of clients don't use their real names. So what do you do

for a living?

Uh, you mean like Burger World?

Great, a chef.

I usually work the grill myself.

What's your name?

My attorney says you shouldn't give your real name, Geraldo.

Geraldo.

Geraldo. Oh, wonderful.

Oh, I love Spanish men.

Now tell me about your long -term goals in a relationship.

Long.

Yeah.

I just want to, like, be a father over and over again.

Yeah. Oh, how refreshing.

Most people just want sex, sex, sex.

Uh, how do you meet those chicks?

Oh, anyway, now comes the fun part. You get to make a video.

Cool.

Are we gonna, like, be naked?

Yeah.

Oh, you.

Uh,

hey, baby.

My name's Butthead, and I'm, like, a pleasure machine.

I'm curious, Geraldo. When you meet a woman, a woman like me, say, what are

looking for?

I usually look all over.

It's nice to find someone who sees the total person.

Usually I feel like the whole scene is such a meat market.

Meat.

Oh, yeah.

Your mission is to turn me on.

So, like, my interests are like...

Doing it.

And, uh,

that's about it. Geraldo, do you believe in chemistry?

You mean like explosions?

Yes, yes, exactly.

Do you feel it? I was feeling it when I first came in, and then I had to use

that hand to fill out that form.

But since we've been standing here, I've been feeling it some more.

Oh, Geraldo, a million men have passed through here, but none like you.

Yeah.

Uh, so what I'm really trying to say is, I'm just a pleasure machine.

I think I forgot that part.

Plus, like, it's a first -come, first -served deal.

Listen, I can't let my supervisor catch me, but would you mind if I called you?

Yeah.

I could, like, tell you about what I'm feeling.

Oh, Geraldo.

One out of five, one out of five. We have a wild man in the cemetery. Repeat,

wild man in the cemetery.

Yeah.

Perpetrator was last seen running around like some kind of butt monkey.

Please, uh, apprehend and stuff.

Yeah, yeah. And, um, and, uh, kick his ass.

Yeah, yeah, and kick him in the neck.

I know, and they're all weird.

It's like everybody knows that, you know, like death and like the graveyard

all that stuff is all pretty cool and everything, but it's like they need to

show it like in a new way or something.

Yeah, really.

Frankly.

Frankly. Frankly.

Frankly. Frankly.

Uh,

hello?

Who?

Dammit, for the last time, there aren't any Mexicans here.

It's like every time she calls for this Harondo dude, it's like she could be

blocking a call from a chick.

I'll get it.

Get it.

Hi.

I'm here to turn on the pleasure machine.

Oh, that's okay. The TV works fine now.

The remote just needed some new batteries.

Dammit. All these interruptions are making it hard to concentrate on

Yeah.

But, like, when we're scoring, that'll give us time to think about other stuff.

What? Oh.

I guess you're saying, like, it all evens out in the end.

Yeah.

The rear end.

Is this boy George?

Yeah.

He's all fat now.

I heard he's trying to be all, like, manly, and he's, like, not gonna dress

like a chick anymore.

He's a turd.

You know, he's bisexual.

Oh, yeah.

I know what that means, but, you know, just as a test.

Why don't you tell me what that means?

You dumbass. You don't know.

It means he has two schlongs.

If you had two wieners, how many nabs would you have?

I guess you'd have, you know, like three or something.

And then I just thought of something else. So, like, if you have two wieners,

you know, like, if you go to take a leak, you just, like, decide which one

you're going to... take a leak out of, or do you take a leak out of both of

them? You know, like, sometimes maybe let's say you got a boner.

Would it be like both of them at the same time? You should do stand -up

Beaver. Oh, really?

Thanks, yeah.

I think so, too, yeah.

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