Original subtitles

From NBC News, this is Today with Brian Gumbel and Katie Curie.

Good morning to you. Welcome to this beautiful day.

We're going to help you get it off to a great start. Good morning, Katie.

Good morning, Brian. How are you? Me? I couldn't be better.

Yourself? Just fine.

How was your night?

Mine? Couldn't be better. And yours? Just fine.

How was your ride in the elevator?

Mine? Couldn't be better. And yours?

What? What?

What is it?

I think it's Jackal.

That dude looks like Heidi Fleiss.

Oh, yeah.

She's skanky. Yeah.

She's ugly.

She's what you call fugly.

She's a fugly, skanky whore.

That wasn't very nice, Biba.

Oh, sorry about that.

This dude's chest is about as puny and hairless as yours, Beavis.

Shut up, fartcracker.

I can kick this dude's ass.

You mean fartknocker, Beavis. Oh, yeah, yeah. And for the last time, you can't

kick anybody's ass.

Yeah, I can. I'm getting bigger. Like, I've been drinking milk.

Yeah, right.

I don't really want it. I had some last week.

Yeah, but then you spit it out.

Yeah, but it was in my mouth long enough for me to, like, you know, get some

vitamins and stuff out of it.

Dumbass.

Whoa.

He's just, like, walking around in his underwear.

And he's, like, having popcorn for breakfast.

Yeah, pretty cool.

He has morning wood.

Yeah.

He's got a breakfast burrito.

I'm not home, though.

Hey, man, guess what? I'm in the Bahamas.

It's beautiful here.

Hey, just a minute. The girls want to say hi to you.

Oh, check it out, butthead.

How did that dude get all those chicks?

Cousin, dumbass.

His name is Schlong.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, teaching Schlong. I forgot about that.

You know what?

Cheeks should change his name to Buttcheeks.

And they have, like, butt cheeks and schlong.

I don't think you'd get chicks with a name like butt cheeks, either.

Oh, man. Oh, yeah.

That was my nickname when I was a kid.

Butt cheeks.

Oh, yeah.

Heather,

tell us about your date.

Well, when he first showed up, I thought, He's cute and built and kind of

sensitive. Butthead, first impression?

Uh, well, Chuck, I thought she had big thingies.

So then what happened?

He took me to the quick mart.

Yeah.

I bought her some nachos so she'd, like, put out.

Really? Did it work?

Yeah.

I scored, Chuck.

Cool.

Uh, thank you very much.

You must let go.

If you are rooted in the Tao, the force of the earth will support you.

Yeah, but like, when are we going to kick some ass?

Patience, my son. Have you forgotten your lesson so quickly?

But master, does not the fire need water too?

Does not the mountain need the storm? Does not your scrotum need kicking?

Button, over 500 girls have had sex with you. How do you explain the attraction?

Uh, just look at me.

Hey, baby.

Button! Button! Button!

Wake up.

I think we, like, missed school or something.

Cool. It's not like we were going to learn anything.

Oh, yeah.

Uh, fire those retro rockets, shoot the fruit on torpedoes, and, like, uh, make

us go that way.

Uh, excuse me.

I order you to undress and show me your thingies.

But, Captain, that violates intergalactic law, or something.

Number one.

I order you to go take a number two.

Aye, aye, Captain.

That was cool.

Roger, Baker One.

The suspect passed the stop sign, so I pulled him over and kicked his ass.

Just then, a man walked by with a dog, so I kicked his ass.

Hey, where do you think you're going?

Here's a story of a guy named Butthead who was horny for three very lovely

girls. Then along came a guy named Beavis. He was horny, too.

Hey, Beavis, we like living in the same house with three chicks.

That was a cool day.

Yeah. I'm, like, really tired.

Yeah.

I guess it's, like, time to go to sleep or something.

Yeah.

Is

that

some monkeys?

Oh, mate.

They look like butt monkeys.

Is that that episode where they go to the dude ranch?

Uh, you're thinking of happy days, dumbass.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, sit on it.

Sit on my butt.

That reminds me of this joke.

There's this dude and he, like, meets this slut in a bar.

And they're like, uh, going back to her place.

And then, like, he can't find his keys.

Well, then he needs, like, a flashlight.

And then he says, help me find my keys and we can drive out of here.

I don't get it.

She was a slut.

Hey,

put it.

Isn't it like from that city liquor movie?

Oh, yeah.

Remember that one part where that guy, like, sticks his hand up that cow's

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And then he, like, pulls out a dog, and it's all wet.

That wasn't a dog.

That looked like a big rabbit.

Good morning to you. Welcome to this beautiful day.

We're going to help you get off to a great start.

Hey, buddy. I dreamed I was in school last night. You think that counts for

attendance? Uh, I think so.

Was I there, too?

Yeah.

Cool.

So let's, like, take the day off.

Yeah.

What do you want to do?

Uh... Mine? Couldn't be better.

And now for the weather. Here's Willard Scott. Thanks, Brian. And what another

beautiful day outside.

We've got some birthdays here.

Eleanor Riley from sunny Clearwater, Florida is 100 years young today.

That's Snoop Doggy Dog.

No, dumbass.

That's a chick.

She's got his hair cut, though.

Yeah.

You little weirdo.

Yeah.

She's like one of those drama club teachers.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

They're always trying to get you to, like, prance around like some kind of

wussy. Yeah, it's like they say, be a tree.

Now be a fat tree.

Now be a happy tree.

Yeah.

Man, this chick is out of her gourd.

She's, like, completely whacked out.

No, it's like, I can't really blame her because, like, some of these weird

chicks make tons of money.

Really?

Yeah.

It's not like they're going around saying, we need a normal chick to dance

the truck.

Yeah. Hey, buddy.

You think I could make some, like, money if I acted like a weird chick?

I think you have to, like, be from England or something.

Oh, damn it.

Whoa, she's grabbing her crotch. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Hey,

buddy, I thought Jake didn't have a crotch. No, dumbass.

You're thinking of nads.

Well, I'm thinking of the crotch, actually.

So girls have a crotch?

I'll be damned.

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