Original subtitles

Everybody shut up!

Right now, please give your undivided attention to Clark Cobb and his good

friend Socko.

Thank you, young students. I'm Clark Cobb from Cobb's Family Hardware.

Me and Socko here want to tell you about the Christian businessman's annual

charity case walk -a -thon.

Mr. Cobb, is it true that Jesus invented the walk -a -thon when he walked out

onto the Sea of Galilee?

That's right, Socko.

Socko's great.

Socko's got a hand up his butt.

When I look out into your eyes out there... Uh -oh.

I think it's one of those TV preachers. Damn it, Beavis.

Better not send them all our money again.

Oh, yeah.

It's like...

Sometimes I can't help it. It's like, if they're going, I know that's right,

yeah. Hallelujah.

You know, like, before you know it, it's like, I'm on the phone, like, saying,

yeah, yeah, here's all my money.

Yeah, but it's like, you spend them all your money, and then you're still just a

dumbass with a lot of problems.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, you're right.

Damn it. I got ripped off.

Elvis is in your jeans.

Elvis is in our jeans?

Yeah.

Yeah, he put it. Check this out.

Elvis has left my jeans.

Damn it, Beavis. If you pull down your pants one more time, I'm going to beat

the living crap out of you.

Okay.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Hey, Beavis, while you were fiddling with your wiener, I think you said that

Elvis is like in Joan Rivers.

Whoa, really?

That'd be cool.

Can we talk?

I've got Elvis inside me.

That doesn't sound anything like her.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Check out Bunhead's go -kart.

Yeah. Go -karts rule.

When I'm old, instead of a car, I'm going to have a go -kart.

Yeah.

Elvis!

Ow! Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

You've got to pace yourself.

Hello,

boys. Learning how to drink from a cup, Beavis?

Shut up!

Diarrhea.

How come you guys aren't out collecting pledges for the walk -a -thon?

Uh, pledges?

The way you raise money in a walk -a -thon is you get people to pledge money

every mile you walk.

People give you X amount of money if you walk Y number of miles.

You get people to pay you to walk.

Cool.

Why didn't you just say so?

So, will you guys pledge for me?

Uh, okay.

Like, uh, how much?

How's a quarter a mile sound?

Uh, two quarters a mile?

Seventy -five cents.

Ah!

I just said that, dumbass.

Okay, uh, a dollar.

Ten.

Beavis and Butthead.

Ten dollars a mile each.

Hey, uh, don't you have to, like, do something for us now?

Okay, fair's fair.

For every mile you walk, I'll pledge a nickel for you guys to split.

Okay. Great.

See you at the walk -a -thon.

What's so funny? We just totally ripped her off.

Oh, yeah.

Cool.

And finally, folks, let me say this.

Each step you take is like a kick in Satan's keister.

You ready, psycho?

On your mark, get set, go!

That's fucked.

Yeah. They didn't even use a gun.

That's okay, dude, because we're going to be rich.

Yeah. Charity is cool.

This sucks.

There's too many people watching.

Yeah.

Let's go this way.

Walking fuck.

Yeah.

I don't understand what all this walking crap has to do with making money.

Yeah, really.

Uh,

we must be close to that ten mile mark by now.

Good job, boys. You made it. Your friend Daria already gave me the 50 cents she

pledged you, so if you ante up the 100 bucks apiece you pledged her, we'll be

all squared up.

You two are fine young people.

Uh, could you, like, give us our money now?

Yeah, yeah, give us our money.

Don't tell me you boys weren't planning to pay. I thought we ripped off Daria,

butthead.

Uh... Boys, when you play the Christian Businessmen's Association for fools...

You play the Lord for a fool.

Uh, could you, like, shut up?

Yeah. Now, because I'm a Christian, I will not strike you.

But because I'm a businessman, I will see to it that you walk off this pledge

a rate of five cents a mile between you. Now, let me see. That would be 4 ,000

miles. You better get started, boys.

Uh... Um... Uh... What?

Okay.

Uh... This is kind of irritating.

Yeah.

I bet there's one little song that, like, sucks right now, but then later on

starts rocking.

Uh... How do you know? Because one guy's got a goatee.

Uh... Oh.

Well, let's see.

Ugh!

Is that what you're talking about, Beavis? What's going on?

What the hell is going on here?

Yeah, what is that?

This is like that easy listening stuff.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Why don't they call that easy listening when it's like really hard to listen to?

It makes me sick.

Damn it, Beavis, you promised that this would start rocking. I didn't promise,

but I said maybe it would start rocking. Well, maybe I'm going to smack you

upside the head, you dumbass.

I'm going to kick your ass, I promise.

Why do these guys

fuck so much? Yeah, they dress up like they're going to rock.

But then they just suck.

Yeah.

These guys are like a cross between Stone Temple Pilots and... And my dad.

Nelson and... And my butt. Billy Joel and my... And some turds. Eddie

Rabbit.

Rats are cool.

Somebody better call the orchid man. Whoa, candle.

Candle.

Candle.

Candle. Candle.

Have you ever seen those alarm clocks that they're like candles and you

stick them up your butt?

Uh, I've never heard of that, Viva.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like they have all these times written on the side, and then you light

and sleep on your stomach, and then when it like burns down to the time, it's

like it gets on your butt and you're like...

And then you wake up and... Really?

Yeah. I'll show you one. My uncle has a whole bunch of them. He usually gives me

one for my birthday.

He bought it. That's the guy that works at Maxi Mart.

Oh, yeah.

He's cleaning out the Slurpee machine.

Get me a large horchata.

Horchata and a blue wackadoo.

This chick is psycho.

Yeah, it's like, you know, it's like she's pretty hot, but it's like, I don't

know, man.

I might stay away from her.

Yeah.

It's like she's got a nice body and everything, but if you went out with

she'd probably, like, put a rat's head on your bed or something.

That wouldn't be so bad. She'd probably chop off your wiener tooth.

Oh, yeah.

You don't want to get involved with a chick who has, like, a whole bunch of

pets.

They get all psycho.

Did I ever catch that

dude who, like, invented the walk -a -thon?

I'm gonna kick his ass.

Yeah. I thought charity was supposed to, like, be for free.

How about less talking and more walking, boys?

You're gonna finish this job even if it takes you till the second coming.

Charity sucks.

Yeah.

Whoa,

this looks like that cop show.

Yeah, really. It's like... One at them five, one at them five. We have a female

Caucasian chick standing in the road acting like a dumbass. We're gonna need

backup, come on.

Uh, Roger, one at them five.

Grip her down naked and bring her to me.

That's a 10 -4, good buddy.

Come on.

That's pretty cool, Beaver.

You could probably be a cop.

I think it's, like, in my blood, because, like, I heard my dad was, like,

Navy or something.

I'm,

like, one of those dudes that's, like, really intent all the time. It's, like,

you wear the earrings and stuff, and, like, sometimes it's pretty cool, but

sometimes I just, like, go...

Damn it.

Yeah.

Guys like this, like, they always come into Burger World telling you why meat's

bad for you and stuff.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

But it's like, I always tell them, if meat's bad for you, then how come it's

food?

Then I tell them to get the hell out of my restaurant.

This looks like that dude from that movie, Smell of a Woman.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You know, he was like blind and stuff. Yeah, yeah, it's like, hoo -ha, hoo -ha,

hoo -ha.

He's a good actor.

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