Original subtitles

I just saw a ghost, y 'all.

It wasn't a ghost. I came around the corner.

I'm sitting right there. I'm thinking he's like a Victorian emperor. Oh, my

They're multiplying.

Hi. We're looking for Principal Coleman.

It's our son Charlie's first day.

We enrolled via the district website.

Please tell me you guys see them, too.

Ava. You know what? Let me go get my proton pack. Hey, stop.

So they're building a big -time PGA golf course about 10 blocks away from here

in the Girard Creek area.

It's allegedly good for the city.

People are into it. And new people are moving to Philly, West Philly, just to

play there.

And while Tiger Woods is a notable golfer, the demographic of most golfers

mainly...

We're so excited to be here. Yeah, we were recommended we go private from,

nearly every person and website we know, but we were like, hey, public all the

way.

So... Well, it's great to have you. This is new. Yeah, first time in all my

years. Well, thrilled to meet you, and just because it's nice to have a new

student and no other reasons. Okay, and I'm Miss Teagues. I believe I'm your

teacher, Charlie.

Welcome, and it's so nice to meet you both. And I'm Principal Coleman, the one

you were looking for.

Totally remember you enrolling the little and very real Charlie. And we are

incredibly pleased to have you and welcome you to the rich, diverse

Abbott Elementary.

You'll fit right in.

We being audited.

Come

on

in. Hello, Miss Deeks. Oh.

Hello, Mr. Eddie.

Hope your day's going well. It is. Thank you for asking.

And I hope your day is going well as well. It is. Thank you.

So Gregory and I did try out a relationship for a little bit, but in

just didn't work out. So now we are back to being friends.

Just kidding. We got y 'all.

So we're dating. After the party that night, we started dating. And it's been

going really, really well. Right. And I'm happy. I would tell everyone. But

Janine so intelligently pointed out that we should keep our work and personal

lives separate. And I agree with that. Yeah. And on top of that, we just get to

have fun and let our relationship be just us.

So aside from Jacob, nobody knows.

Nobody. We all know.

It's just beyond obvious.

I don't even know how they dumbasses think they're hiding it. They stain each

other's faces.

Dumbasses. But we're going to let them have their space because clearly they

need it.

Honestly, I don't care that much. I got bills, you know. I know that's right. If

anything, it's an insult to our intelligence.

We know what two people look like when they're hunting hard. We're not dumb.

All right, class. We're going to unfold our paper.

And we have a beautiful... Yes.

Specifically, an orange...

sulfur butterfly, which is native to Pennsylvania.

Can't find that in Jersey, now can you?

No!

What in the world? Hey, Bart, is your water pressure low? Some kid just

God knows what in my hand. I got no water going on. Me too.

Ava? Oh!

Ava! Ava!

What is going on?

The water pressure is lower than Gerald's iron. Now, who the hell is

Look, it's the new golf course. They broke a water pipe. There's nothing we

do about it. I'm just about fed up with this golf course construction. Just

blocking out traffic, making it difficult to get in here in the mornings

noise all day. And I've noticed an uptick in the rodents and bugs. That's

construction, too.

I killed 30 roaches this morning.

31.

This has to stop.

Look, I gotta listen to y 'all complain all damn day. We want books. We want

paper towels in the classroom.

Bet you want raisins, too.

I like money. I'm still waiting on the paper towels. This project is backed by

the city, so there's nothing I can do.

And don't forget, back -to -school staff meeting tomorrow.

Have your presentations ready with your proposed yearly goals. Yeah, yeah.

Hey! 32.

Must you kill these living creatures so forcefully? I didn't get that one. It's

headed to you.

Die!

Die!

That is so amazing.

I mean, it's very thoughtful.

I mean, it's no school -wide deal trip to the Baltimore Aquarium like your

presentation. Mr. Coleman, you have a second? We're fact -checking for our

podcast club.

Yeah, we reported that Mr. Hill can't read, which turned out to be... Not

Why are you always asking us to read out loud, then?

What are you fact -checking now? Are Ms. Teeks and Mr. Eddie dating?

Why not report on something a little more exciting, like the weather?

It does often change.

In fact, there's more to this Mr. C story, like how he's always listening to

audiobook.

I was letting Janine and Gregory have their fun, but if the kids even know

them. Look, from my summer at principal school, I learned that I'll get in

trouble if they get in trouble. So I got to take action, which is my least

favorite thing to take.

I like the way you pass that lead, sir. I like the way you hand out milk boxes.

There you go.

You?

Um, you know what? Maybe we want to be more careful because people might be

watching and we don't want people to get the wrong idea. Maybe instead of always

looking over our shoulders. Our very broad shoulders.

We should just tell our co -workers.

Yeah, but we don't want everyone in a business to like what we are.

And we can't forget HR. I mean, that's very intense.

Yeah, I was thinking about that. HR is only an issue if somebody reports us. HR

hasn't been to the school since.

Never. Attention avid staff.

Tomorrow an HR representative from the district will be here for the day. He'll

be available to all staff members if they feel the need to make any

or inquire about benefits or report anything.

Anything at all.

I know what that's about.

You do?

Of course I do.

You've seen the way Melissa hits on me. She's always Mr.

Johnson. My trash is filled.

Mr. Johnson, can you please take out my trash? Mr. Johnson, this is your whole

job. Flirting that little ass off.

She's going down.

Get her.

Jacob, I am not letting you microwave your beans with my tea.

Barbara, please. We are running out of time before class starts. It is not my

fault. Road closures allow traffic to back up. Now, please, move your beans.

Thank you. I'll tell you what. If that golf course was a person and I wasn't a

fully law -abiding citizen, they'd be sinking in the bottom of the Schuylkill

River right about now. My Bunsen burners aren't working. Who shut off the gas?

Are you cooking eggs in your classroom?

You didn't worry about matters concerning the breakfast sciences. Now,

it? The construction workers turned off the gas to the entire grid.

Nothing I can do about it. Write a letter to the city. I don't know what's

vile, this golf course or Morton.

Here are the pains in my asses.

I'm sorry, the what?

Everyone, as promised, HR is here today. This is Warren. So if anyone has

anything they want to follow, just raise your hand. Not about me.

About other things.

Oh,

and we're out of time.

And yours.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Good morning, Daniel.

Hey, how about Italian for dinner tonight?

Or Scalas?

It'll be nice to our decimates today, yeah, Yasmeen? I'm good with that as

as I got butter noodles.

I never take you anywhere without butter noodles.

There. It's nice talking to you while looking at you.

Which reminds me, when do you want to talk with slash confess that we're

to HR?

I have fifth period free.

Oh, yeah.

How about, like, later? Like, after the back -to -school presentations, right?

Actually... Good morning, Ms. T. Good morning, Mr. Eddie.

You remember Warren, right, Janine? HR at the district?

Mm -hmm. Janine, it's...

So good to see you, after wasting our time at the district.

I told Superintendent Reynolds I knew you didn't have what it takes to be a

district diva. It is good to see you again, Warren.

Anything you want to make Warren aware of, you can.

Anything at all.

Well, um... Well, we got nothing.

Except it is so good to see you, really.

Um, yeah, nothing to report.

Well, he'll be here all day.

If your memories happen to get jogged.

Hey, okay.

Everything good? We could have at least heated up.

Yeah, no, everything is fine.

It's just, you know, like we said, later today. We don't want to drop life

-changing information before class even starts, right?

So, have a good morning, Mr. Eddie.

Wow, you used a lot of ketchup there. Oh, blood.

That is blood. These are frozen.

Have some pudding, hon.

What?

Sinead, these nuggets are cold and hard. Thank you.

Philadelphia Inquirer, you don't think I know?

The gas still isn't back on. We heated them the best we could. We had to serve

something.

Oh, I have headed up to heaven with this golf course. We cannot live like this

the rest of the year. You know what? I'm going to do a little sniffing around.

Although, I don't really have the same connections I used to have in this city.

Which I guess, in a way, is a sign of progress.

How'd the conversation go with the HR guy?

Didn't go.

It's Janine.

She said anything to you?

Is she, like, not that into this relationship?

No, she's definitely deeply in like with you. And I know you all aren't ready to

say it yet, but I love you both.

Hey, I cannot find my presentation anywhere. I must have forgotten it at

Can't you just print out another one? No, that one has my notes, you know?

That's how I know when to be angry, when to be jovial, when to pause for a

laugh.

See? So, anyway, I don't have time to go home before the presentations.

This is going to be bad.

Um, well, I have a free period when my kids are at gym. I could run to your

place, grab it, and head back.

You're just the best.

Okay.

Here are my house keys. You know how to get in.

Seems pretty into you.

You have a little, um... Oh.

Okay, you want me to get it? No, don't. Okay.

Guys, non -union workers.

What? The golf course. They're using scabs. My cousin Tommy, he does

construction with the local 955, and they haven't been called. They're

corners. One word to the city, and this course is donezo. Or we can get my

cousin to kill all their pets, and we'll leave it up to you. Call the city,

Jesus. All right, easy.

This is why I gave you options.

Thank you all for joining this mandatory meeting, 2024 school year goals.

First up, Barbara Howard on teaching new math.

You? Esteemed colleagues, I've decided to go in a different direction. Math

hasn't changed.

But what has changed, however, is the viscosity of child and adolescent room.

Boogers!

Now, I know it might seem weird, but the consistency is changing, and it is

alarming. Where's Gregory?

He just texted and said he's in traffic because of road closures. Damn it. Of

course. Jacob, I don't know my presentation, okay? If I don't do my

presentation, the kids don't go to the aquarium.

If the kids don't go to the aquarium, they fail the SATs. Just breathe. Barb

still talking boogers. You got time.

In conclusion, I'm suggesting that we get our milk tested and our glue tested,

too.

Thank you, Barb. Janine, your turn.

What? Come on, pipsqueak. Let's get this over with.

Okay.

All right.

Let's give it up for Barb. We did that already.

All right. Give it up for yourselves.

Okay. Okay. Okay. So my school year goal for 2024 is to take us

all to a field trip to the Baltimore Aquarium.

Yes. Yes.

But before I get into it, I think we should ask ourselves, what is an

Really, when you think about it.

Who's really in the tank? Is it the fish or is it us?

Oh, thank God.

Hi. He was in the kitchen.

Set.

The play school one in your classroom for the kids. Yes. Why are you all

Because I keep the temperature in my classroom very warm to sweat. You better

turn it down.

I won't. Whose keys are you holding?

Mine. So those keychains are your keychains. You like Cinderella?

I like what she represents.

How about the one that says J -A -N -I -N -E? Yeah, Gregory.

Probably best for you and anyone else involved if you tell all of us why.

What?

Gregory? Oh, my God. You must have grabbed my house keys.

When I left them in the teacher's lounge. And that would be why my car

start. Yeah. Why'd you go to your car?

Yeah. Jacob.

Um, he went to his car because he left his keys in there. So how did he get in

his car? Shut up. Give it up. I saw you two weeks the other day in the same car.

Well, you know, he was giving me a lift.

That's all. Then you came back the next day together.

Well, that's because I saw him walking and picked him up. Why don't I see him

take a duffel bag out of your trunk? Okay, I take duffel bags with me

all the time. Of course you do.

Because everyone here knows that you two use the duffel bags to carry around

the drugs you're selling. Because you're selling drugs.

Doing what?

No, no, no, we're not selling drugs. We're having sex.

Yes!

This is worse than I thought.

What people won't do for money.

Thanks, Sebastian.

Maybe it didn't catch on.

No, no.

Cat's out the bag.

Right. But what if we coax the cat back into the bag? Because we can call

another meeting and tell everyone that it was a prank, right?

Janine, I've been trying not to worry, but should I be worried?

Are you not into this?

Gregory, are you crazy?

Of course I'm into this. Then what's going on?

I mean, I get... want to keep people out of our business, which we can do, but I

think everyone's rooting for us, and I'm not afraid of HR if that's what this...

But maybe I am.

But... Okay.

The last time I made something official, it didn't work out.

And I... I really, really, really, really want this to

work out.

So I guess I'm a little scared.

But we're not your last time.

We're this time.

Oh, yeah.

Let's tell the freaking world.

I am ready.

Okay. Okay.

Well, you just did when you told everybody that we had sex. Right. You

But, yeah, let's make it official.

Let's make it official. Okay. Real quick, this time, let's keep the sex

out. Let's take the sex out. Don't need to say that. We don't need it. Don't say

sex. Don't say sex. Don't say sex. Don't say sex. Don't say sex. You can stop

saying it right now. I'm saying sex walking into a school is not the best,

know. So you checked me out, but it took like a half hour.

Would you please just sign out? Hi there.

I'm Miles Nathaniel.

What are you, a Mormon?

Look at this guy.

Yeah, we're not interested. Get lost, pal. Yes, I'm saved. Thank you very

and God bless you.

Oh, no, I'm an attorney with the fine folks over at Girard Creek Golf Club. I

was just perusing the neighborhood.

Thought I'd pop in and say hi, seeing as how we're going to be neighbors. Oh, I

know what this is about. We call the city, and now you want to dance, pretty

boy? And I mean that as a compliment. Your skin is fantastic.

You must be so rich.

Yeah, so you heard that we heard that you're over there using non -union

workers, and now you want to do damage control.

Your little construction project has put quite a strain on our lives. We had a

white child. Now you want to get his parents involved.

Well, first of all, allow me to apologize for any inconveniences we may

caused. That's the opposite of what... we intend to do for our community we

really believe the golf course can add a lot of value here and what value would

that be well property value for one thing that will go up way up so if

homeowner perhaps one who's looking to sell and retire to say a tropical island

or arizona

I'm partial to the desert myself.

Yeah, well, that's going to feel real good to the union workers not getting

paid. Please forgive us for that oversight. We're amending that as we

will be fully unionized by Monday. We would be unionized by Saturday. But, you

know, unions.

Look, I know how hard it can be to work with the city. So if you have any future

problems.

What's that?

That's a $500 gift card.

I would have said for $250, but this is classy.

Barb, you can have half. Well, what about me?

No, we are not on your team, okay? Golf doesn't even have teams. Sorry to

interrupt. I just remembered, we have 15 new computers that we're looking to

donate. Do you guys know anywhere they could use them?

Well, we could use... No, wait. You know what? Let's make it 20.

I think I saw a few extra lying around the office.

Look, golf courses can happen no matter what. It can happen with computers or

without them.

Go ahead and shake the man's hand, Jacob, and recognize a blessing when you

one.

How about 25 computers and you quit messing with the water?

Can't promise that, but I can throw in an ergonomic chair or two.

What y 'all doing out there? Taking bribes?

All right, just don't let Warren see.

And get me something, too.

Proud of y 'all.

So you're saying I can't sell the jewelry that the kids make on Etsy?

No, I'm saying it's illegal.

Child labor laws.

But does it really work if they love what they do?

Oh, please have a seat.

Okay, I guess I'll just jump right in. So it all started when Gregory first got

to the school and I gave him a tour.

I thought, this is somebody I could get to know.

And then I thought maybe a friendship with this guy.

And then I thought, he's kind of cute, but he's my colleague.

So, you know, at this point you would think I would go forward in the story,

I actually probably need to go back a few years to 11th grade when I finally

puberty. What is your relationship status?

He's my boyfriend.

And she's my girlfriend.

Great. All done.

That's it?

That's it.

I mean, there's no power imbalance here, so it's super easy. I just needed to

record it.

Good luck to the both of you.

Hopefully she doesn't leave me like she left the district.

I'm happy for y 'all.

Truly. I just wanted you guys to be smart about this.

But now you're both safe, and more importantly, so am I.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Gregory, our situation is over.

Just let her have it.

Yeah. Okay.

Let's go.

So, in conclusion, and as you can clearly see, he's a scumbag.

That has to be an HR violation.

Well, there's worse things I could call you, buddy. You two just need to grow

up. You can leave now.

Next.

Okay, I don't even know why I'm here.

Well, she knows why we're here, so open the check case.

These are all the takeout menus I gave you. Uh -huh. And those are suggestions

that we should go after dinner.

I can read between the lines, you're sick.

Write that down.

Yeah, let's do it.

Delicious.