Original subtitles

[exotic birds squawk]

[artillery whistles and explodes]

[breathing heavily]

[helicopter flying overhead]

[distant shouting]

[sighs and grunts]

[soldiers shouting in foreign language]

[grunts]

[soldiers shouting]

[grunting]

[phone ringing]

[gasps]

[ringing continues]

I'll be there.

[creatures quacking]

[bell tolling]

[rockets whistling]

[ghostly scream]

[woman yelps]

[dog barks]

[man] Ten, nine, eight,

seven, six, five,

four, three,

two, one.

Zero.

I know I don't have to tell you this,

but we need a good one tonight, more than ever.

[blows whistle]

Rick Gabler from Decca is supposed to show up.

This could be our chance to be signed by a big label.

This is gonna be our kind of audience,

so let's give them what they want.

All right!

And, Glen, if you could try not to...

touch yourself while you're singing,

that would be great.

What?

But it's my signature move, Jonny.

You know it.

Honestly, mate,

it makes everyone feel sick.

-Please don't do it. -They love it, Jonny.

[grunts]

You like it, really.

That's worth more than music, actually.

This is our fucking day.

So let's give it 100 percent out there.

All right! Let's do this!

[crowd cheering]

Give us a kiss.

[Jonny, clearing throat] Look, Paul,

I know I said two weeks, but I'm telling you,

this band is on the verge.

After tonight's gig, the money's going to start pouring in.

No, I'm not a thief.

I-I-I just need a little bit more time.

In my flat?

To cut my hands off?

My balls?

Yeah. Yeah.

[imitating static crackling]

[stammers]

[Glen] We are the Yellow Blackguards and we bring you love!

-[glass shatters] -Ow!

[woman] Fucking cunty bastards!

-[Glen yelping] -[loud thumping]

-Jonny! -[objects crash]

[Glen screaming]

Oh, shit!

-Fuck. -Jonny!

[yelping]

[Jonny] Oh! Shit...

[all screaming]

Get in!

[band screaming]

-[glass shatters] -Fuck.

-[all shouting] -Go!

Aah! Not the hair! Ow!

-[shrieks] -[tires squeal]

[thunder rumbles]

[Jonny] How was I to know

they randomly changed hippie night

to inbred retard night?

You're our manager.

You're supposed to fucking know these things.

I mean, seriously, Jonny. This can't go on, mate.

-What can't go on? -Uh, this, you know?

You promising to deliver

and us somehow always ending up in the shitter,

having to run for our lives.

You can't possibly blame me for this.

All right, it's not just this. It's...

Actually, it's everything.

Like, all right, example.

How long have you been saying

that we're gonna do my rock opera?

Because I don't see no rock opera.

-I'm working on it. -What else?

All right, we've been gigging for three years

and I'm still not getting laid.

And that's what it's all about for you, isn't it, Glen?

-Getting laid. -Partly. Yes.

I'm the lead singer in a band.

I write all these fucking amazing poetic lyrics as well.

"Giraffe Henry", "Grandma's nipples",

"Take me to the zoo", "I fancy that rhino".

Look, I'm sorry, Jonny,

but we're going to need another manager.

What?

Th-Th-That's ridiculous.

How is it going to work with two managers?

No, not...

Like, another manager. Like, a different one.

But that's insane. I'm just about to get you signed.

And all I'm asking for is two more days to sort it out.

Okay.

Fine, two days.

But then we are fucking out of here.

Our luck is going to change.

You'll see.

[engine wheezes and stalls]

[sighs]

[Glen] Oh, for fuck's sake, Jonny!

[JFK, on recording] I believe that this nation should commit itself

to achieving the goal, before this decade is out,

of landing a man on the moon...

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Bullshit.

As you know,

we've been developing our space program for some time now,

planning our 11th Apollo mission to the moon in 10 days' time.

The trouble is...

we still don't have a clue

whether the thing's going to make it or not.

It's been made only too clear to me that this is our last shot.

And that means the Russians will have a clear run

to get to the moon first.

And do you know what happens if the Russians

happen to make it to the moon first?

We're gonna wind up looking like a bunch of dicks, that's what.

[laughs]

You ever seen a movie called 2001: A Space Odyssey?

Made by this film director geek called Stanley Kubrick.

All set in space and shit.

Doesn't make a goddamn bit of sense, but it looks terrific.

Now, the thing we've been asking ourselves is this.

If we've got a guy that can make things

look like they're on the moon, then doesn't it make sense to...

-[helicopter flying distantly] -...you know,

film a pretend moon landing?

Just in case the real one doesn't work.

We send Apollo into space.

If they land...

great.

If not, we let them circle around the moon

while we broadcast Kubrick's images.

Okay, so, here's the plan: we've set up a little meeting

for you in London with Stanley Kubrick's agent.

He's expected to meet with a Hollywood producer

who has an important project for his client.

Meet with Kubrick. Convince him.

There's enough money in this briefcase

to turn anyone into a patriot.

You don't look happy.

The thing is, sir...

I just spent the last three years

in special operations in Vietnam.

I was led to believe that I would be given leave.

Look, I get it.

Who wants to go to London,

be surrounded by a bunch of hippies and homosexuals?

But the thing you have to know is this:

Not all Englishmen are actually queer.

They just look and act queer.

So you don't have to worry about that.

Any other questions?

Yes, sir.

It sounds like a rather large operation.

How are we gonna keep this secret?

We'll do what the Egyptians did.

Bury the architects inside the pyramid.

The architects?

The architects. It's a metaphor.

Oh, right.

So you want me to kill everyone.

[helicopter flying overhead]

Oh, fuck.

[door closes]

[sighs]

Jimi-fucking-Hendrix.

Fucking shit.

You all right, Jonny?

[Leon yawns]

[Leon] Oh, God.

[toilet flushes]

Did you do that?

What do you think?

The guy looks like you, though, doesn't he?

[Jonny] Of course it looks like me.

That's me if I don't pay back the Ironmonger.

The Ironmonger?

Whoa, are you mad in the head, Jonny?

He chops people's willies off with rusty tools.

That could be you. Your willy.

I know that, Leon.

I needed the money for the band.

I just got to get them signed,

and then I can pay back the Ironmonger.

-Then everything will be fine again. -Oh.

Well, you know, on the bright side,

it couldn't get much worse.

Yeah, all right, Leon.

I mean, you've barely got a pot to piss in.

If you lose the band, you'll be back on the breadlines.

All right, Leon. For fuck's sake.

I'm going to go see Derek Kaye.

He's the one man that can help me.

[Leon] Oh.

-Hey! -[door opens and closes]

How's this place got all messy?

[laughing]

So-- So I said to her, I said...

I said, "Get your pussy out of my Aston Martin

before I kick it out."

[laughing]

Kick it out. Meow!

[sighs]

You're an American, aren't you?

Mm-hmm.

An American.

A Yankee.

[laughing]

♪ Yankee Doodle went to town ♪

♪ Riding on a pony ♪

♪ Stuck a feather in his ass And called it macaroni ♪

♪ Yankee Doodle Dandy Yankee Doodle went to town... ♪

-I'm so sorry! -Jesus Christ.

I'm so sorry. Clumsy, mumsy me.

-Let me just... -No, please. Please.

-Oh, no! We need napkins-- -Please.

-[shouting and crashing] -No, look, listen,

we can talk about this

when the money's right, because other...

Oh, yeah? I'll call you back.

Hi, Derek.

-What are you doing here? -[door closes]

Can I talk to you? I just need two minutes.

Right. Two minutes, that's it.

I've got an important meeting in five minutes.

Just be quick.

-You've done well for yourself. -Yeah.

-Good clients. -You could do all right too.

You just got to try not to fuck everything up all the time.

Yeah, that's good advice.

So how's your dad's butcher business?

You working for him yet?

No. No, I'm not.

It's my band, you know, they're really going places.

-Ah. -You should hear the new set.

They're sounding tight.

Last night was amazing.

The girls were throwing their knickers

on the stage and everything.

-Good for you. -Yeah.

All we need now is a...

record deal.

[sniffs]

I thought maybe you could help.

[snorts]

[laughs] What?

Sorry, why would I risk my reputation

associating myself with you?

All I'm asking for is an in.

You know, you could introduce me to the right people.

Yeah, I could, but I'm not going to.

Come on, mate. We're cousins.

Well, what that's got to do with anything?

Look, I've got to trust the people that I work with.

Frankly, I don't trust you.

-So, what are you saying? -I think you're a mess, Jonny.

You're disorganized, you're ineffective,

you can't deliver.

Anything else?

[snorts] You dress weird.

[sighs]

Can you lend me some money then?

Yeah. Sure.

How much do you want?

Oh, thanks, mate. You saved my life.

[laughs]

-Too late. -Come on, mate.

I only need a few grand. You're loaded.

[snorts]

[cackles]

Oh, you're... you're bleeding.

[coughs]

Fuck! Oh, Jesus!

All right, okay, no, that's it. The meeting is over.

-But, Derek... -Just fuck off!

Oh, shit!

Jesus!

Oh, fucking... oy!

Prick.

Ah, fuck.

-Derek Kaye? -Huh?

Tom Kidman.

Johnson Brothers Films.

I believe you were expecting my visit

regarding Mr. Stanley Kubrick.

Right, yeah. I...

I'll be brief, as I just came straight from the airport.

As I said to you on the phone,

we have a proposal for Mr. Kubrick

he needs to take extremely seriously.

Yeah, cool...

There's a considerable amount of money in this project...

should Mr. Kubrick decide to say yes.

-For him and for you. -Huh?

Now, this is a project of extreme importance

to my employers.

And it's incredibly time-sensitive.

There's nothing else I can say without Mr. Kubrick, but...

I'll be available to discuss this all afternoon.

Here's the number you can reach me at.

If Mr. Kubrick accepts our proposal,

he gets the money.

Oh, and I would appreciate it

if you would keep this strictly confidential.

[horns honking]

-[Leon imitating guitar solo] -Leon.

[Leon] One sec.

You all right, man? What's up?

This is insanity, man.

I look nothing like Stanley-fucking-Kubrick.

You'll be fine. You've got a beard.

That's all that matters.

Look, all we've got to do is sit down,

answer a few questions and just act like

you know what you're talking about.

Yeah, but I don't know what I'm talking about.

-He's going to clock it. He's gonna figure it out. -Of course he's not.

He's some Hollywood idiot from Hollywood. He's clueless.

All right, wait, wait. What films did I make again?

-Paths of Glory. -Yeah.

-Dr. Strangelove. -Yeah.

-Lolita. -Wait, hang on.

Lolita?

Isn't that the pedo film?

Oh, for fuck's sake, Jonny.

No!

Why do I have to be a pedo? Why can't I be someone else?

Why can't I be Hitchcock?

No. You're Stanley Kubrick.

Listen, I'm not going to let him fuck me up the ass.

-What are you talking about? -I hear stories, man.

These Hollywood dudes are at it all the time.

[gasps and wheezes]

Oh, fuck.

Oh, shit, I feel sick.

I think I've got stage fright.

Hang on, I need to relax. Hang on. Hang on.

-[gasping and inhaling] -Leon!

Leon, what's in the bag, Leon?

Leon!

It's repair patch glue.

Are you fucking joking me? You're doing this to me now?

[groans]

Wake up, Leon, you fucking junkie!

-I'm sorry. -Look...

take some of this.

[sniffs]

Come on, get more. All of it.

-[Leon snorting] -Yeah.

-How do you feel now? -[sniffs and sighs]

Powerful.

Like a horse.

Listen, all you've got to do is sit in there for five minutes

and pretend to be Stanley Kubrick.

-All right. -You can do it.

-I know you can pull it off. -Yeah. All right.

-Okay? Yeah. -Okay.

Okay.

How do I look?

Okay. Great. Come on.

-[horn blares] -[Leon yelps]

[Leon] Sorry.

[loud clatter]

Shit.

Good to see you again, Mr. Kidman.

Good to see you.

Please meet Mr. Stanley Kubrick.

So good of you to see me on such short notice.

Sorry, my hands are a bit clammy.

You've got to be an incredibly busy man.

Yeah.

Well, yeah.

Pretty damned busy, all right.

[sighs]

Ah, two beers.

-Yeah. -I'm a huge fan of your work.

-Oh, cheers. -I've seen Spartacus,

I don't know, at least five times.

Great film.

Yeah, it's a good film.

So, you brought the cash?

Anyway, I wanted to talk to you

about an incredibly important film project.

And it's extremely time-sensitive.

And, well, we decided that there's only one man

in the world that can pull this off.

Oh, well...

And that man is?

[laughs]

[chuckles nervously]

Yeah, cheers.

Lovely.

Anyway, this...

project is of great confident...

confidentiality.

So everything I say from here on...

is for Mr. Kubrick's ears only.

Right.

Yeah, yeah.

Usually, Stanley prefers me to be involved in all decisions.

I talk to Mr. Kubrick alone, or there's no deal.

Well...

I suppose I'll just...

wait outside.

What? What?

[phone ringing]

Oh! Jonny...

What happened? You were in there bloody ages.

Yeah, amazing. I really got into it, actually.

By the end, I kind of felt like I really was Kubrick.

-That's great. So? -Yeah.

So what?

So, what happened?

Oh, yeah.

Not my thing, to be honest.

-What do you mean? -Well...

it's totally out of my comfort zone.

Not my bag at all.

Not your bag? You're not Stanley Kubrick!

Yeah, but I'm playing Stanley Kubrick,

and I had to do what I thought Stanley would do.

It's called method acting.

You're totally insane.

We just want the cash, Leon!

What?

[elevator dings]

Mr. Kidman!

Mr. Kidman! Mr. Kidman!

I apologize for my colleague,

but we've had a chat now, talked it over,

and we've decided he'll do it.

Yeah.

Didn't you just say that it went against

all of your artistic and moral principles?

Uh...

yeah, well, I changed my mind about that.

Yeah, I want to do it now. I want to do it.

Yeah, yeah, I want it, yeah. I want it now.

Look, just give us the money and we'll get to work.

You'll get your film, and then you can go back home

to your hamburgers and I Love Lucy.

I'm warning you, I can't afford to be let down about this.

You better deliver, or there are gonna be serious consequences.

Do we look like the kind of people

that are gonna let you down?

I'll call you in your office first thing in the morning.

[elevator door closes]

[breathing heavily]

Yeah. No, just jam it. Just...

just jam it back.

Yeah. No, just jam it.

I am fucking jamming it! What do you think I'm doing?

God.

How much do you think is in there, eh?

[gasps]

[Leon] Fuck.

[breathing heavily]

Shit.

I never thought it'd be this much.

-We've hit the jackpot. -Yeah.

That doesn't happen very often in life.

No. God.

These must be the plans for the film.

-Oh, fuck the plans. -All right.

-What if he finds us, eh? -How?

By knocking on every door in London?

These guys have got so much money

they don't know what to do with it.

Maybe we should lay low for a while.

You know, keep a low profile.

-Yeah. Yeah. -Yeah.

Definitely.

-[rock music playing] -[crowd cheering]

No, everything's going according to plan.

I understand, sir.

They're setting up production as we speak.

[all cheering]

No...

[laughs]

[groans]

So, I'm the lead singer in a band.

-Oh. -Yeah.

That's right.

It's a rock band.

I could write you a song, if you like.

I could do it right now.

♪ You got a sexy ass ♪

[imitates guitar riff]

♪ I want to lick it ♪

♪ Lick my ass ♪

♪ You got a sexy ass ♪

[imitates guitar riff]

Cheers.

[laughs]

Fuck's sake.

I love you, Jonny.

[grunting]

[news anchor, on TV] And in our roundup of news from the arts world,

Stanley Kubrick,

the British-based American director,

has made a rare visit to continental Europe

to talk about his new sci-fi film,

2001: A Space Odyssey.

The film depicts space and space travel

as we've never seen before.

The film has left audiences baffled.

Mr. Kubrick said himself,

"If anyone understands it on the third viewing,

we failed in our intention."

-[Kidman] Fuck! -[glass shatters]

Good morning, sweetheart.

[snorting]

[sighs]

Who are you?

Who am I?

I'm Derek Kaye.

Who the hell are you?

Who let you in here?

-You're Derek Kaye? -Yeah, that's right. Yeah.

You're Derek Kaye?

Oh, my God, is there an echo in here or what?

Yes, I'm Derek Kaye.

Who's asking?

Well, then who was that little fuck that was in here yesterday?

Uh, I haven't got a bloody clue what you're talking about.

I'm talking about that little fuck

that was in this office yesterday

saying he was Derek Kaye

and saying he could bring me Stanley-fucking-Kubrick!

[laughs] Kubrick?

Oh, come on. That's ridiculous.

Oh, who the fuck is asking?

Right, listen, I'm not sure which loony bin

you've escaped from, but unless you're out of my office

in the next three seconds, I'm calling the police.

Is that clear?

One, two...

-[Derek screams] -[objects crash]

[body thuds]

I don't know who it was, I swear.

[whimpers]

[gags]

Give me a name, goddamn it,

or else I'll crush that tiny little British head of yours.

I don't know.

-[loud crashes] -[Derek muttering]

[whimpering] Oh, fuck.

No, wait! Wait!

Um, Jonny Thorpe.

It must have been him,

because he was in here yesterday.

Where can I find him?

-[sustained doorbell ring] -Coming.

Fuck's sake.

I'm not deaf, you stupid fucking...

Morning, Jonny.

All right, Paul.

What's up?

Not much.

How about you?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm all right.

Better than all right, from what I heard.

My mate, the Clam, said he saw you last night down at the pub.

Splashing the cash.

Yeah. Yeah, no, I was going to come and see you this morning.

Had a bit of luck at the races.

So I've got Mr. Monger's money.

Just...

W-W-What are you looking for?

Look. See.

[laughs]

[Paul] You have had a stroke of luck, haven't you?

Yeah. So how much was it?

-Two hundred? -Yeah, that's right.

Plus interest.

I'm sure Mr. Monger would like to send his thanks.

You know Jonny Thorpe?

[mumbles]

Okay.

[indistinct chattering]

[chattering stops]

-You all right, mate? -[Kidman] Excuse me.

I'm looking for Jonny Thorpe.

He was in the pub last night. Won a shitload on a horse.

Where is he?

[laughs]

Why should we tell you?

Well, it'd be better for your health.

-[laughs] -[chuckles]

Excuse me, we're actually doing a bit of business here.

Plus, Jonny's our mate, and we don't go around giving out his address

to cheeky Yank bastards.

You get what I'm saying, dickhead?

[groans]

[loud thumping]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[groans]

[sighs]

He lives on Aspern Grove.

If you take a left when you leave here,

then it's your second street on the right.

And it's like a 10-minute walk, or you could take a black cab,

or it's three stops on the number 46 bus.

[sighs]

[sighs]

It's only money, Jonny.

And it wasn't even ours in the first place.

It's not just the money, though, is it, Leon?

That was our future.

I promised the band a fucking album.

Now I know how that CIA guy must have felt.

What CIA guy?

What?

You just said, now you know how that CIA guy must have felt.

What CIA guy?

You know, the American. The guy whose money it was.

Wanted to do the whole...

[whistles]

..."fake moon landing" thingy.

What-- What are you going on about, Leon?

You know, the Americans want to do a secret fake moon landing

in case the real one doesn't work.

That's why they wanted Stanley Kubrick.

-You're fucking joking me. -No, why would I lie about that?

It's all in the documents.

And you didn't think that was important information to share with me,

that he was from the fucking CIA?

-I thought you knew. -If I'd have known,

I wouldn't have taken the money.

I'm not a total fucking idiot. I don't want to get killed.

All right, all right, man, don't make a big deal out of it.

But it is a big deal! Don't you get that?

This is really fucking heavy

seriously fucking shit we're in here.

-Fuck! -What?

W-W-W-Why are you worried?

You said he was an American idiot and he'd never find us.

That was before I knew he was a fucking CIA agent.

-Oh. -Fuck. All right.

All right, w-w-w-we have to get out of here.

What?

Come on, Leon.

Hang on. Wait, wait.

I'll take this apple.

-For fuck's sake, Leon! -Just in case.

Oh, fuck.

All right.

Grab whatever you can and let's get the fuck out of here.

Hey, there.

[Leon] You said he was a proper, like,

dickhead brainless Hollywood twat.

What, are you going somewhere?

What?

Nah.

-Whatever gave you that idea? -Oh, I don't know.

Just you saying, "Grab whatever you can,

let's get the fuck out of here."

Oh, fuck.

[Jonny] Yeah.

I-I meant...

you know...

let's get the fuck out of here and...

get to work on that bloody film.

Oh, good. Whew.

Because for a second there, I was worried

that you might not be who you said you were.

Hey there, Mr. Kubrick. How are you doing, sir?

How's our little project coming?

Yeah, pretty good, you know.

Ups and downs. Actors.

[Kidman] Yeah.

So...

you two live here together?

-S-Sort of. -[Kidman] Yeah.

Kind of strange, isn't it?

The most important filmmaker of all time

chooses to live in this tiny little piece-of-shit hovel

of a piece of shit...

with his agent.

A couple of faggots.

I suppose. Yeah.

Mr. Kidman, we really didn't mean...

To steal my money? Where's the case?

-We-- We had a little issue-- -Where's the case?

[stammers]

It was stolen.

It wasn't my fault.

-What? -I'm sorry!

It was what?

I swear I'll get it back.

-[doorbell rings] -[Glen] Jonny!

-Who's that? -My mate, Glen.

Tell him to fuck off.

What?

[Kidman] Tell him to fuck off.

Fuck off, Glen.

-What? -Fuck off!

I'll call you later.

-But you told me to come-- -Fuck off!

-Fucking idiot. -[drops iron]

You know how much trouble you caused me?

Look, please, t-t-there must be something we can do.

We can help, give you whatever you need.

I need to get a fucking movie made.

Well, we can do the film, can't we, Leon?

-Yeah. -Eh? I know people.

I know a director.

We can go there right now.

And Leon's an actor, for God's sake!

[breathing heavily]

Please.

Give us a chance. We can help you.

We can make it work.

Look, t-t-t-the moon landing is only a few days away, isn't it?

Do you really want to go back to your boss

and tell him that you don't have Stanley Kubrick

and you don't have the money?

Huh?

[breathing heavily]

We must be the only hope you've got.

[echoing] We must be the only hope you've got.

We must be the only hope you've got.

We must be the only hope you've got.

We must be the only hope--

[Jonny sighs]

[groans]

Here's what's going to happen.

We're gonna go back to the original plan.

And then the three of us...

me, and you two fucking assholes,

are going to film man landing on the moon.

And if you so much as tell one soul about this,

I swear I will make you suffer in ways you never even imagined.

I want to meet your guy.

Now.

Fucking hell.

[doorbell rings]

Hi, there.

-We-- -An angel.

[sighs]

Uh, is Renatus in?

Sure.

Follow me.

♪ One pill makes you larger ♪

♪ And one pill Makes you small ♪

♪ And the ones That Mother gives you... ♪

[monkey screeching amplified and reverberated]

♪ Go ask Alice ♪

♪ When she's ten feet tall ♪

-[women moaning] -[man] Yes. That's it.

[scoffs] Artists.

Renatus.

The angel's here.

What the hell are you going on about, you silly cow?

Renatus. Jonny. Jonny Thorpe.

Remember me?

Leon!

Where have you been, my little pixie friend?

Come in, come in. What's that smell?

[Leon] I think it's some kind of petrol.

[Renatus] I like it.

Watch this.

It's my latest movie.

I like your shirt.

-[bicycle horn honking on film] -Thank you.

It's called Bounce.

[sighs]

Together, we wander through the abyss of life.

From light to dark.

From dark to light again.

And then...

from light back to dark.

And light again.

Dark again.

And then...

light again.

[Kidman] This guy's a fucking asshole.

Of course he is. He's a film director.

I mean, look at this shit.

[bicycle horn honking]

So, what brings you here?

Mr. Kidman here is a Hollywood producer.

He wants to know if you'd be interested

in making a film for his company.

Films.

Films are dead.

In five years, no one will watch films anymore.

You know what they'll watch?

Computers.

Yeah. This is different, though.

This is about men landing on the moon.

Okay. Topical.

And what do they do there?

They just walk around for a while, plant a flag,

and they go home, that's it.

[laughs]

You know what?

I think that might actually be the best film idea

I've ever heard in my entire life.

-Really? -I mean...

it's so...

simple.

But at the same time,

it sums up the entire human experience.

We land in a strange place, we wander around, and then...

poof, we're gone.

-[titters] -[Jonny] Yeah.

That's what we're thinking, you know.

Say something meaningful about life.

Yeah, like I did with Bounce.

So, when can you start?

So, maybe I could shoot...

in the autumn.

The autumn?

No, no, no, not the fucking autumn.

We need it in seven days.

[laughs] Seven da...

I can't make a film in seven days.

Bounce took me three years.

Right, we're fucking out of here.

Oh, come on, man.

I've seen your work. You're a pro.

I mean, look at this, for God's sake.

-It's genius. -I know.

I know you can make it work.

[sighs]

Leon will be the hero.

Brilliant. Leon's a great actor.

I know.

But it's going to cost a lot of money.

I am going to cost a lot of money.

-I need a lot of money. -W-W-We'll get the money.

Won't we?

You're coming with me.

We'll be back in one hour.

Bye, angel.

[sighs]

-Hey. -[bicycle horn honking on film]

Jonny!

So you're going to get some more money from the CIA?

Why would I want to do that when you know who took the case?

What? Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, no.

I never said I knew them.

The Ironmonger's got your money, and believe me,

they are people you do not want to mess with.

They're bad news.

You just take me there and you point them out to me.

But they'll kill me if I do that.

And I'll kill you if you don't.

So it seems to me like you're fucked either way.

[turns off engine]

Is this it?

Yeah.

C-C-Can we think about what...?

By the way, just so you know, he doesn't like swearing.

[Kidman] Thanks. I'll try to be careful.

Whoa. Nice shirt, dude.

[laughs]

[grunting]

Stop, for fuck's sake!

Come on.

[punching bag flapping]

Jonny.

Nice surprise. [chuckles]

Fuck me, your mum's ugly.

[laughs]

Hello, sweetheart.

She deaf and dumb?

I talk, motherfucker.

[Paul] Put the gun down, mate. Have a word, Jonny, will you?

[Kidman] Want me to put the gun down? I'll put the gun down.

Fuck!

Hello, Jonathan.

Who's your friend?

Um...

he's...

That case you stole from this asshole belongs to me.

Well, you may not know this,

not from being around these parts, but...

I'm in the business of collecting money...

not giving it away.

I thought Jonathan might have told you that.

I kind of did.

You know, before I did Tower Bridge,

I did the Eiffel Tower, Buckingham Palace.

St. Paul's Cathedral, that was my first, yeah.

Takes a tremendous amount of patience.

An unwavering determination to get to the end...

no matter what the sacrifice.

I'm sorry, you were saying?

That was a very silly thing to do.

Jonny, get the case.

-Me? -Don't do it, son.

Jonny, get the case.

[breathing heavily]

-Jonathan... -Jonny!

Take the gun too.

Bad choice, kid.

[Jonny] Shit. Sorry.

All right, nobody moves, everybody will be fine.

[Jonny] Watch out!

Go!

You fucking bitch.

There's your money.

Start now.

Let's get to work, yeah?

You all right?

[strums]

How confident are they they'll make it?

70/30.

Seventy percent they'll make it?

No.

Jesus, Kidman, you'd better come through on this film,

you son of a bitch, or we're going to wind up

with this giant dildo stuck up our asses.

[man] Where's the fucking director?

[Jonny] I'm sure he'll be here in a minute.

We can start all the technical stuff without him.

[indistinct chattering]

What do we do about gravity?

About what?

That moon is much too gray.

What are you talking about?

Thank goodness the other planets will add some color.

[Kidman] Other planets?

The fuck you talking about, other planets?

There's only one planet. Planet Earth.

-Here. Look. -Yeah, but you're not seeing

the opportunity for creative expression.

You don't understand what I can do with the colors.

It's not that I don't understand,

it's that I don't give a fuck.

Look, I have been working for you all night.

You're going to like it.

And I already have alien costumes I can rent you.

They're from my adaptation of Hamlet.

It's a great opportunity.

-Leon! -[Leon] Coming!

-Leon! -[Leon] Yeah. Coming.

Check me out.

What is all this crap?

Look...

you either do exactly what's written there,

or you can go fuck yourself, do you understand?

-Go fuck myself? -Go fuck yourself.

-Go fuck myself? -Go fuck yourself!

Talk to me like that one more time, Mr. Hollywood,

and you'll be making your film with your own fat fingers.

I'm the director, and I decide what's good or bad.

Either that, or I pick up my equipment and my crew.

How do you like them apples?

[Jonny] Renatus!

Renatus! Renatus.

Can I talk to you for a second, please?

That guy is a Hollywood Nazi. I don't work with Nazis.

It's going to be my vision or nothing.

What if we doubled your money?

Do you think I'm a whore? I'm an artist. Don't insult me.

Triple.

Okay.

-[needle pops] -[upbeat music plays]

Nothing. It's all good.

What the fuck is that?

Huh?

[laughs]

This is my studio.

There's fucking two of them!

Is that just me seeing that?

Yeah.

[snorting]

Grr.

Sorry.

[clears throat]

[pencil clatters]

Tom Kidman?

Kozinsky, transmission.

Don't ask questions.

Just do your job.

[pig snorting]

[indistinct chattering]

[laughs]

Wait, wait.

Get a shot.

Oh.

Get a shot of this. Hold that.

[laughing]

[radar beeping]

[synthesizer noises blare]

Hey?

What do you think?

Ha!

[Leon] Guys?

[chainsaw roaring]

[chainsaw powers down]

Right, strip this place down.

Search for any clues as to where they might have gone.

Pisshole.

-Good job. -[grunts]

Yeah, if you could that'd be swell, okay?

Okay, see you.

Oh! Hi.

Hi, Glen. What are you doing here?

"Hi, Glen"? What about, "Fuck off, Glen"?

Hairy Mike told me to come down. He said there was a scene.

And it looks like he's right. What the fuck is happening?

Nothing.

It's not nothing, is it?

It looks like a bloody carnival. What the--?

Honestly, I've got as much as an idea as you do.

Jonny, should I take the costumes to the set?

Yeah. Yeah. Thanks, Ella.

I thought you were supposed to be sorting shit out for us.

-I am sorting shit out. -What's all this, then?

What the hell happened to my bloody rock opera?

Well, you know, it's...

Hey?

Wait.

Is this it?

What?

Is this the rock opera?

-[laughs] -Yes.

And you didn't want to tell me, because you wanted to keep it a surprise.

-That's right. -Oh!

Oh, my God, I can't--

I actually can't believe you pulled it off!

-That's amazing. -Hey, Jonny.

I know you want this film to look like rubbish

like it says in the documents,

but could we at least have the jellyfish?

-Huh? -Yeah, in the sky, dancing.

There's no dancing jellyfish on the moon, is there?

Oh, really?

Have you been there?

No.

Is this the director?

Oh! Yeah.

Glen, meet Renatus, the director.

Renatus, this is Glen.

I'm the lead singer.

Who?

The lead singer of the band.

For the rock opera.

I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

Look, Glen, why don't you go over there,

chill out for a bit, and then I'll explain

-the whole concept to you. -All right. Great, man.

[humming and scatting]

Uh, excuse me.

Excuse me.

Who the fuck are they?

-Who? -Those idiots.

Oh. Yeah.

That's-- That's the band.

-The band? -Yeah.

We decided to make the film into a rock opera.

You want me to kill you? Is that it?

Kill me? You should be thanking me.

People are starting to ask questions.

This is a perfect cover story.

It's totally putting everyone off the scent.

Anything else you want to tell me?

-No. -[man groaning loudly]

What the fuck is that now? Watch out. Watch out!

[growling]

What the fuck is this?

It's the auditions.

He's very talented.

-Audition? -Yeah.

Renatus and the band want to complete the show

with some special guests.

[man growling]

[Kidman] Special guests?

Special fucking guests!

Jesus Christ. Get the fuck out of my way!

[synthesizer warbling]

-[grunts] -[music stops]

[classical music playing]

I don't like it. That's scheisse.

Next!

[applause]

[horns blowing off-key]

[applause]

[inhaling]

[exhales]

You all right, man? You look a bit stressed out.

Just leave me alone.

You know, I feel like that sometimes.

A bit stressed.

Maybe you should have a go on this.

-It might chill you out a bit. -That shit doesn't work on me.

What do you mean?

I mean it doesn't do anything, man.

I'm CIA-trained.

My mind is too strong for that shit.

[chuckles]

Nah.

-What, you don't believe me? -No.

-Hand it over. -All right.

[bubbling]

[snorts and exhales]

[sighs]

See?

Nothing.

The mission is fraught with technical problems.

Our chances of success are dwindling by the hour.

We need to know that we can rely on the footage from London.

We're going to get that footage.

Oh, you'd better be sure about that.

The only reason we launched this mission

is because you said you could guarantee a plan B.

Relax.

Don't worry.

Have a cigarette.

Kidman's a rock.

[Leon] You feeling better now?

More relaxed?

[Jonny] What's going on?

Oh, I just gave him a bit of weed.

Thought it might, like, chill him out a bit.

And it has. Look.

He's like that after a bit of weed?

[laughs] Yeah, can you believe it?

-CIA. -[both laugh]

Yeah, it was just like a tiny bit of weed

with a bit of opium in it.

Oh, for fuck's sake, Leon.

Why are you getting him fucked on opium?

-What? -Don't you understand?

If we don't deliver this film, we're dead.

-Oh, right. -No more opium.

Cool. Okay.

-Look after him. -Yeah.

We need him fully compos mentis

and on set as soon as possible, okay?

You can count on me, man.

I'm more CIA-trained than you.

[chuckles]

What?

What do you mean you can't find them?

It's been five days.

[Paul] They're nowhere.

We haven't taken our eyes off the flat.

Well, what about the people they know?

Who's that group they fuck around with?

Where are they?

We'll get on it. Come on.

Yeah.

You get on it.

[Kidman groaning]

[sighs]

[Ella] Are you feeling okay?

Not really.

My head is killing me.

[pours liquid]

Here.

Take one of these.

[sighs]

Thank you.

[sighs]

Acid is the best thing for headaches.

What?

Yeah, trust me.

Are you fucking kidding me?

It works, you'll see.

[retches]

You all right?

Ready to go for rehearsal?

She just gave me acid.

Oh.

[chuckles]

Have you got any more?

-Yeah. -Yeah? Sweet.

Okay.

Nice one, dude.

Look, look, how high should I bounce?

I think you should fly, not bounce.

Really?

It says-- It says "bounce."

[Glen] Hey, Jonny!

Yeah. Hi.

What's this I hear about the astronauts having wires?

-Yeah, what about my wire? -You don't need a wire.

You're an extraterrestrial. You can exist in zero gravity.

Okay, yeah, fine.

But I'm the most important thing about this project, yeah?

So I want a wire, okay?

There's no way someone else is having a wire and not me.

So, sort it out and get rid of that machine.

Ugly.

Fucking moon.

[bottle clatters]

Right, rehearsal's over.

I'm done.

But that was shit.

We're supposed to be filming this tomorrow.

-It'll work itself out. -Don't you understand?

If this doesn't work, we're all dead.

Calm down, man. It's just a movie.

[reverberating gasp]

[all laughing]

You know, this is...

like, the first time I can remember...

where I-I haven't felt like...

like I want to kill somebody, you know what I mean?

Oh.

I'm sitting here now, and I'm looking at you.

Yeah?

And...

like, I'm fully aware that I could just

snap your neck like a twig.

But...

for some reason...

I don't want to.

[chuckles] Oh.

-Look at this. -Oh, yeah.

Right?

I see it.

-Wow. -Yeah.

[rock music blaring]

-[Leon] He looked at me. -[Kidman] Go on, little fella.

-[Leon] Go on, son. -[Kidman] Go.

He just looked me in the eye.

What the fuck is going on?

[shushing]

Are you high?

[Leon] No, man.

[laughs]

We just had a bit of low-grade acid.

Do you mean while I've been out there working my ass off,

trying to get this film ready,

you've been in here dropping acid?

Renatus is out of control. Today was fucking awful.

Well, of course it was, man.

I mean, the whole fucking thing is a fucking mess.

That's why we're dead already.

Stop talking like that! Just stop it!

Stop.

[Leon] Oh, God. Oh...

I'm sorry, I just...

[Leon] ...bad vibes.

We can't give up. We-- We need to do this.

It's over, man. I mean, let it go.

[laughs] Yeah, drop it.

So, that's it?

[sighs]

-We're all going to die. -Yeah. We're all going to die.

-[all giggle] -[Kidman] Yeah.

[Leon] Yeah.

I've never had anything but bad luck.

[all laugh]

When I was born,

a short circuit in the incubator

set a fire in the maternity ward.

[all giggling]

Burnt down the entire wing of the hospital.

My father's still convinced

they mixed the babies up during the evacuation.

He always said I was a loser.

Everybody thinks I'm a loser.

I don't want to die a loser.

There's one thing, like, I learnt in 'Nam.

It's, like, Americans,

we never fucking lose, man.

We never fucking lose.

And we're not going to fucking lose this time.

Not on my watch.

My watch.

-What time is it? -Uh, midnight.

-I was supposed to fucking call Dickford. -Who's Dickford?

-[imitating gun firing] -[phone rings]

-Kidman. -[Kidman, on phone] Yes, sir.

-How are you doing? -How am I doing?

Where the hell have you been?

You were supposed to call me first thing this morning.

-I know. I had some trouble. -What kind of trouble?

Hold on, sir.

What kind of trouble did I have?

Tell him you got lost.

-[Kidman] I got lost. -What do you mean you got lost?

What do I mean I got lost?

You were in a bar, and then you walked out...

[Kidman] I was, uh, in a bar, and I...

I walked out.

But then you didn't know whether to go left or right.

[Kidman] And I didn't know whether to go left or right.

But then I thought, "Right, I'm going to go left."

That's it.

What the fuck are you talking about?

What's the state of the operation?

Apollo 11 is in deep space. We need that footage.

Hello, sir?

Is that you there?

Are you fucking with me, Kidman?

Where's Kubrick?

-Can I call you back? -No.

-D-D-Don't hang up, Kidman. -I'll call you right back, okay?

-Don't. Don't hang up! Kidman! -[line disconnects]

I don't think that went too well.

I thought it was beautiful.

Kidman!

♪ What a day for a daydream ♪

♪ What a day For a daydreaming boy ♪

♪ And I'm lost in a daydream ♪

♪ Dreaming about My bundle of joy ♪

♪ And even if time Ain't really on my side ♪

♪ It's one of those days For taking a walk outside ♪

♪ I'm blowing the day To take a walk in the sun ♪

♪ And fall on my face on Somebody's new mowed lawn ♪

♪ I've been having A sweet dream ♪

♪ I been dreaming Since I woke up today ♪

♪ It's starring me And my sweet dream ♪

[grunts]

♪ 'Cause she's the one Makes me feel this way ♪

♪ And even if time Is passing me by a lot ♪

-[groans] -♪ I couldn't care less ♪

♪ About the dues You say I got ♪

♪ Tomorrow I'll pay the dues For dropping my load ♪

♪ A pie in your face for being A sleepy bull toad ♪

[urinating]

[sighs]

[snorts]

[hacks and spits]

[clears throat]

Hmm.

[whistles]

You been having fun, Agent Kidman?

My, my, my. People up high are starting to worry about your progress.

You're blowing my cover, you prick.

-Everything was under control. -Uh-huh.

Under control?

Oh, my word, you got to be kidding me.

[Kidman] He's playing an alien. Part of the cover story.

Well, you don't need your cover story anymore.

We're instigating phase two of the operation.

You don't think we're gonna let you run the show alone, do you?

Everything's done. Nothing left to do except film it and send back the footage.

[Renatus] Don't touch me, you fucking swine.

Uh-huh. Well, I hope for your sake it's convincing.

Don't push me, you fucking Gestapo!

Tom, who are these people?

All right, everybody, get ready. We're going to the set.

Get the fuck out of my way.

[Paul, over phone] We got an address, boss.

I think we found them.

[laughs]

All right, everybody take their places.

Let's prepare the astronauts.

I told you this guy was a Nazi.

Not too bad, huh?

He fucking did it.

I'll be ready to transmit in a half-hour.

[Jonny] What is going on?

It can't end like this, can it?

Just shut up and listen to me.

I may still be able to get you out of this,

but you got to listen to everything I tell you.

Now, they're not going to kill us

as long as they don't have the footage.

But it's got to look real.

So you better be really good out there.

Okay.

[pounding on door]

-Hey. I'm Glen. -Glen?

Yes, the lead singer, for fuck's sake.

-Oh, really? -How's it going? You all right?

[groans] Oh!

Are you okay, Leon?

Uh, no.

I'm freaking out, man.

I don't think I can go through with this, to be honest.

-Are you fucked up? -No.

No.

Well, yeah.

I took some magic mushrooms...

For fuck's sake, Leon! This is not a time to do that.

I know, I just wanted to take the edge off the nerves.

But in retrospect, it may not have been a good idea,

because I feel like...

I feel like...

my penis is whispering to me.

It's saying terrible things.

It's telling me that my parents are cousins.

-But I don't think they are. -Leon, listen to me.

Your penis isn't whispering to you, okay?

That's just the mushrooms talking.

I know this whole thing is a little crazy.

-Yeah. -We're nearly there.

All we've got to do is just deliver this film,

and we'll be clear of the CIA.

-Then we can go home. -Yeah.

I understand all that, man.

It's just the fact is, I'm looking at you right now

and your head is the size of...

a tangerine.

And the rest of your body's normal size.

It's just-- It's just your head, it's tiny.

-It's just minuscule-- -Leon...

stop!

Now, of all the stupid things

I've done in my life,

this is the one thing...

-I want to get right. -Okay.

And to do that...

I need you to sort your head out.

-All right. -I need you, Leon.

Okay.

-Come here. -All right.

[radar beeping]

[static crackling]

We got pictures. We got pictures!

Everything's ready.

Okay.

Und bitte.

Action!

Right, I think it's time we sorted these cunts out.

[engines rev]

[muted clicking]

[Leon] I'm going down the ladder now.

[2001: A Space Odyssey theme playing]

[breathing heavily]

One small...

man.

Uh...

[wires creaking]

That's one small step for man,

one...

one giant leap for...

one small man.

Something like that.

What the fuck is he saying?

He's totally screwing it up.

[Leon] This is amazing, isn't it, Jonny?

We're actually on the moon.

-[Jonny] Who's Jonny? -[Leon] Huh?

[Jonny] I'm Buzz Aldrin.

[Leon] Oh, shit, yeah. Sorry.

[Jonny] Try not to swear, yeah?

-Pull. -[Leon] You got it, Buzz.

Buzz.

Bounce.

[Leon giggling] Buzz.

[laughing] Buzz!

Up. Pull-- Pull higher! Pull higher, fucking idiots!

[Leon] Ow! Ow!

-Higher! -[Leon] Fuck!

Ow, one of my testicles is caught in the wire.

I... I can't fucking do it.

[Jonny] Just fucking...

-[Leon] I can't do it! -[Jonny] Fuck's sake.

-Put it in the ground. -[Jonny] Stick it in there.

[Leon] It's not that easy, okay? Do you want to try it?

[Jonny] Fuck's sake, just give it to me.

-Yeah, put the flag... -[Leon] Oh, God.

[farting]

I cannot-- I think I've been sick out of my back passage.

-[farting] -[groans]

I feel...

I feel some kind of liquid on the backs of my legs.

[Jonny] What the fuck are you doing?

[Leon] Fuck, man, I feel so sick.

Oh! That smells so bad! I'll have to take off my helmet.

[Jonny] You can't take off your helmet. We're on the fucking moon.

[Leon retches]

Where do you think you're going?

To the toilet.

Is that okay?

Jackson, go with him.

[pounding on door]

Let me guess, you must be the drummer.

Shut up, you septic ponce.

[gunshots]

What the fuck?

Keep the cameras rolling.

Everyone else, come with me.

-Leon! -[Leon] Whoo!

[Leon giggling]

Who are these assholes?

-[Renatus] Fly! -[Leon] Whoo!

Fly! Fly!

[gunshots]

[laughs]

[gunshot]

Well, fuck me.

[screams]

Jesus Christ! Who the fuck are these guys?

[distant gunfire]

[Leon] Jonny! Jonny!

Look how high I'm going! Jonny!

[man gasping]

[breathing heavily]

[gunshots]

-Morning. -[gunshot]

[croaks]

Well, go on, then.

[groans]

[Kidman] Come get me, old man!

[cocks gun]

-You want to fucking have some? -Fuck you!

[Ironmonger] Have some of that!

How's that?

-[gunshot] -Come on!

You fuck with me?

[guns click empty]

Fuck!

I'm going to chop your fucking head off!

[yells]

[metal clanging and scraping]

[loud thuds and crashes]

-[loud blow] -[Ironmonger screams]

[body thuds]

[yells]

[laughs]

You lost, Kidman. Now you die.

[gunshot]

-[gunshot] -[groans]

[chuckles]

Fucking amateur.

-[ax thuds] -[gasps]

[gasps]

[groans]

[snorts]

[Leon] Whoa.

He knocked the flag over.

Hey, Jonny.

Jonny.

Hey, Jonny.

I missed.

He's dead, Jonny.

You got him.

Did I?

[sighs]

Am I going to die?

No, man.

Are you sure?

Yeah. You fainted because of the shock.

Oh.

[Kidman] We'd better leave town.

♪ A man courageous and free ♪

♪ A man who loves liberty ♪

♪ He may be gone But he'll live on ♪

♪ His spirit lives Throughout the land ♪

♪ Through hill and vale Will still prevail... ♪

[engine revving]

[music playing on radio]

[radio dial turns]

[man speaks Spanish over radio]

[radio signal crackles]

[Spanish announcer resumes]

[yawns]

[indistinct chattering over TV]

[Neil Armstrong, on TV] Surface is fine and powdery.

I can... I can pick it up loosely with my toe.

It does adhere in fine layers...

-Is that... is that us? -...like powdered charcoal

to the sole and sides of my boots...

No, Leon.

They actually did it.

They landed on the moon.

[Leon] All right.

[Armstrong] ...maybe an eighth of an inch, but I can see the footprints...

-Boy, they sure did. -...and the treads

in the fine sandy particles.

Didn't they?

[man] Neil, this is Houston. We're copying.

[news anchor 1] A successful launch.

And man is, in fact, on the moon.

[news anchor 2] Tranquility Base, a new Earth.

A new place in the solar system.

[Nixon] I just can't tell you how proud we all are

of what you have done.

For every American,

this has to be the proudest day of our lives.

♪ Some folks are born Made to wave the flag ♪

♪ Ooh, they're red White and blue ♪

♪ And when the band plays "Hail to the Chief" ♪

♪ Ooh, they point the cannon At you, Lord ♪

♪ It ain't me, it ain't me ♪

♪ I ain't no senator's son ♪

♪ It ain't me, it ain't me ♪

♪ I ain't no Fortunate one, no ♪

♪ Some folks are born Silver spoon in hand ♪

♪ Lord, don't they Help themselves, no ♪

♪ But when the taxman Come to the door ♪

♪ Lord, the house looking like A rummage sale, yeah ♪

♪ It ain't me, it ain't me ♪

♪ I ain't no millionaire's son No, no ♪

♪ It ain't me, it ain't me ♪

♪ I ain't no fortunate one, no ♪

Do you think it took great courage to do what they've done?

It took teamwork.

Teamwork above all.

And it's the greatest accomplishment

of the people of this nation.

There isn't a question about that.

Well, I'm very surprised about this.

-This is wonderful. -♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, some folks inherit Star-spangled eyes ♪

♪ Ooh, they send you down To war, Lord ♪

♪ And when you ask them "How much should we give?" ♪

♪ Ooh, they only answer, "More, more, more" ♪

♪ It ain't me, it ain't me ♪

♪ I ain't no military son Son, Lord ♪

♪ It ain't me, it ain't me ♪

♪ I ain't no fortunate one One ♪

♪ It ain't me, it ain't me ♪

♪ I ain't no fortunate one No, no, no ♪

♪ It ain't me, it ain't me ♪

♪ I ain't no fortunate son No, no, no ♪

[bicycle horn honking]

[bicycle horn honks]