Original subtitles

Let's just get this started.

Are you kidding me?

Who's a good cat?

Today, we're at the college of new jersey playing med students

Getting a real evaluation to assess our

Professionalism in a doctor/patient setting.

And we're being evaluated by professional actors

Who will assume the role of our patient.

We'll have to do and say what the other guys tell us.

And at the end of the session,

The patient will give us a rating from one to 10.

Whoever has the lowest score loses.

Cough.

Not good.

Alright, murr.

Hello. Hi. How are you?

Hi. Oh, gosh.

What happened to you? Let me --

Oh, my goodness.

That's from a car accident I had.

So this woman wasn't really hurt.

This is makeup.

This is a training mission.

Murr: You were in a car accident.

About a week ago. Yeah.

Would you do? You cracked your fotcha on the steering wheel?

Did you crack -- crack your fotch --

You -- you cracked your fotcha on the steering wheel.

Is that what caused the bruising?

I don't know what a fotch is. Your fotcha, your face.

You cracked your fotcha? No, I didn't do that. Um...

So -- so what caused the abrasion?

So then what caused -- emma, what caused the abrasion?

Well... Oh, I guess I did hit the steering wheel.

And that's what it looks like now?

Uh...

The balloon -- the -- the balloon didn't

come out of your steering wheel.

The balloon. The...

So the hot air balloon didn't deploy?

Yeah, so the -- the -- the hot air balloon

Didn't deploy? It wasn't an hot air balloon.

What was it?

Keep it together, you idiot.

I don't mean to laugh at you fotcha.

It was...

Sal: The airbag. The airbag.

Just the image of a balloon, it was the airbag.

You mean the airbag? Airbag. Thank you.

Airbag. You said balloon.

It was very...

Murry.

I'm not worried about my face.

It's like -- I'm so motion sickness.

Okay. You're so motion sickness?

I, my -- I'm off balance.

Okay, so you said you're so motion sickness?

Yes. Sal: Yeah, okay. Okay.

Murry.

I can't. I'm sorry. I got to compose myself.

One second, emma. Let me check the charts.

Yeah, so the accident was last week.

And that's what it looks like now?!

And this is what your face looks like now?!

What did you look like last week?

so -- so, were you even recognizable

After the accident?

Murr, what are you doing?

Get a grip.

After -- after your face hit --

After you're fotcha hit the steering wheel,

Were you even recognizable?

I don't think I barely hit the steering wheel.

so, you're having vertigo.

You're having vertigo.

You're having dizziness.

That what this is? Vertigo?

Yes. It's called -- it's vertigo.

Are you feeling any nau-sea?

Are you feeling any nau-sea?

Mm-hmm. You're nau-seous right now?

You're all up.

You're all up, emma. You're all up.

Zofran. I'll do 20mg.

Put your finger up. Just put your finger up and stop it.

Patient...

Patient...

...Is difficult.

...Is difficult.

Walk back to the desk behind you

And just lay on it casually as you're talking.

So, are you feeling dizzy right now?

Yeah. You're feeling dizzy right now?

Don't you puke in here.

Don't you puke in here!

Has it gotten less over the past six days?

Float around a bit on that thing.

Make it more like a carnival ride than a chair.

Is there a time of day that you're more...

Just go all the way to the deep end of the room, keep talking.

Yeah, like, have you experienced vertigo more, uh, in the morning

Or the evening or midday?

Have you noticed anything consistent with that?

I'm going to have to ask you to come back.

Okay, I'm on my way back.

let me just loop around.

I'm already here.

So you've noticed that...

Okay. Uh-oh.

I just want to do this bit for the rest of the season.

How did that go for you?

Uh, I thought we had a good rapport.

I'm empathetic as

As I thought I was -- I thought I was, like,

Empathetic as

If you had to rate my performance today on a scale

Of one to 10, what would it be?

Uh, I'm not going to do that. That's not for me to do.

No?

If she won't do it, that's a zero to me, buddy.

So is that like a zero?

I don't know, I don't know what a zero is.

Patient still being difficult.

Sal: She's not even smiling now.

Murr: Sal, introduce yourself to her, then spit in the sink.

Hey, I'm nurse edwin. How are you doing?

Woman: Hi.

Go over and say, "why come here?"

Nurse edwin, nice to see you. Good to see you.

Why come here?

Um, I am really having trouble with my back and neck.

Okay, dead ass. Dead ass.

Dead ass? I had an accident.

I'm in a dodgeball league.

You're in a dodgeball league? Yeah.

Dead ass? Yeah, for real?

...Now, my pinky's doing weird stuff.

Your pinky's doing weird stuff.

It just -- yeah.

How many drinks do you have in a week?

How many drinks do you have in a week, would you say?

I don't know. Four, I guess.

Four drinks a week? Ah, I mean...

You might be an alcoholic.

Could be an alcoholic.

I'm definitely not an alcoholic.

You do know that denial, it's not just a river in egypt?

No drug allergies, okay. No.

So you're cool with all drugs.

So you're cool with all drugs?

I don't know, I haven't taken all of them.

What are you writing?

Just that you're cool with drugs.

Just that you're cool with drugs.

okay.

I'm here for my back and neck pain.

Yeah. Sal, say, "shut up. Shut up. Let me think."

My shoulder -- shh. Wait, wait.

Shut up for a second. So...

Sal, check her heart and say, "don't make it weird."

I'm going to check your heart.

Don't make it weird. Okay.

Whisper that she's a great actor.

you're a great actress.

You're doing great.

Just try to be more natural when you do it.

[ inhales, exhales deeply ]

It's starting to hurt now

Because I've been sitting for so long.

Okay, is it mad cow?

Personal space, edwin. Back up a little bit.

I'm in so much pain now. It just is really bugging me.

I think I know.

I think I know what's going on here

Because I don't know if you play dodgeball,

But I think you do play something else.

You play games.

Oh.

Let's talk turds.

Okay, let's talk turds.

I think what you did was you probably have a little bit

Of a strain.

For sure. It's not getting better.

I'm going to give you some pain medicine.

I'm going to give you a low dose.

Oh, these are gonna goof you up.

I'll goof you up.

Is your supervisor available?

Sure, but she's not going to give you the goofballs.

That was the strangest interaction

I've ever had with a student.

If you had to rate the experience or rate me

From zero to 10?

I'll say it was...

A one or a two. Okay.

Oh! Oh!

Well, this was a valuable experience.

Yo, what's bringing you in today?

Yeah, I have this weird rash on my arm and my neck.

Oh, your neck too? Yeah. Okay.

Lean in, lean in.

Let me just get a quick, closer look.

Okay.

Sal: Eww!

Eww!

I mean, it could be poison ivory.

Yeah.

Did you notice any -- any poison ivory or anything around?

Any three leaves, let it be?

It's possible. It's nothing I noticed. Okay.

Did you see any poison ebony?

No poison ebony, nothing like that?

You didn't notice anything?

Nothing that I saw. No poison ivory or ebony?

So you got -- you got it on your neck,

A little on your back.

How's the p and the c?

Has your -- has your...

You got it on your neck, a little on your back.

Murr: How's the p and the c?

How's your -- how's your -- how's your...?

I think I'm okay down there.

Yeah? Okay. And your crack?

I think I'm okay down there.

Okay, okay. Well, we are going to check.

Okay, we are going to check.

Sal: Be stone-faced. Don't say a word.

Don't say anything.

That's it. Not another word.

Not another word.

Murr: Who's going to break first?

You want to get that crack out?

Sal: He cracked him up.

Murr: Q, we put a clown nose in your pocket.

Put it on to check his heart.

So there we go.

Let's breathe in and out. Nice.

Q, can you get your face closer to his?

Breathe deep, deep.

Can the red nose touch his beard?

One big breath. Bigger, hold it.

Stop listening with the stethoscope.

Just put your ear against his chest.

Breathe for me.

And deep in. Deep in. Deep in.

yeah.

Q, I hate to point out, but doctors also listen

To your breathing from your back as well.

Okay, just give me some deep breaths, buddy.

Oh, yeah. That's nice. You got good lungs.

You got good lungs. That is nice.

In and hold it. In, hold it.

In, hold it, hold it.

yeah, that's it.

Breathe normal. Breathe normal. Yeah.

Now let's see that crack.

Now let's see that crack.

Now that we're comfortable with each other,

Let's see that crack.

Now, have you muled any recreational drugs?

Have you muled any recreational drugs?

I don't know what muled means.

Oh, you don't know what mule is?

Just look him right in the eyes and go, "be honest."

I'll be honest...

I don't believe you.

...I don't believe you.

What's it going to take for me to see that crack?

What's it going to take for me to see that crack?

uh, not today. Alright.

Sal: Alright, let's talk real shit.

Hit me. I rocked it, right?

Hit me. I rocked it, right?

Oh, buddy.

I think if I was a real patient,

Um, it's very possible you might --

You might end up with a lawsuit on your hands.

When you repeatedly asked to see their crack...

Yes. ...That would have been a line.

Yes.

So, on a scale from one to 10?

I'm going to give you a good old three.

Three? Oh, come on!

Really? People are that -- that sensitive about their cracks.

Narrator: Murr doesn't need a second opinion.

He's first up on the loser board.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, guys.

Today we are at tompkins square bagels,

And we are breaking up fights.

After we halt the altercation,

We're going to try to squash the beef

By giving an inspirational speech to the crowd.

The catch is, the guys are going to provide

Ridiculous words and phrases

That we have to incorporate into our speech.

If we can't inspire all the customers to applaud

At the end of our speech, you lose.

Alright, sally v. Here we go.

The challenge is very simple.

Two people are going to start fighting.

Sal's got to intervene.

Then dan cass is going to stand up and start clapping,

And we got to see how many people join in.

No one's joining in. We're all losing.

Here we go. Woman: Hey, lady.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

I picked up the bottle you left on the sidewalk.

There are trash cans. Throw out the bottle.

There are 50 trash cans -- guys, guys, guys, guys, please.

Guys, I see too much of this in the city.

There's no reason to be at each other's throats.

Working fat italian sub.

Sal: I mean, what do I have to do to help you guys, you know out?

I could order a big fat italian sub.

You eat it from both sides.

In the words of malcolm x.

I don't know. I'm sorry, guys.

I'm just trying to calm everyone down.

In the words of -- of -- of of malcolm x,

As a matter of fact...

Hotsy totsy.

Everybody's all walking around

All hotsy totsy all day long.

Listen... Milk nozzles.

Maybe I'm just a, you know, my mom raised me differently.

I -- I was on her milk nozzles

Since I was about eight years old.

Remember kathy?

Remember kathy, my mom?

Once again, in the words of malcolm x.

And once again, again, like I said before,

Man, in the in the words of malcolm x,

We don't need to fight over littering.

I'll leave you with this. All I'm trying to say is...

Murr: There once was a man from nantucket.

There once was a man from nantucket...

Whose heart was so big he could suck it.

...His heart was so big, he could suck it.

Go ahead, dan cass.

Anybody? You understand what I'm saying.

No clapping? I didn't see a clap.

Alright, let's send in the fighters.

Yo, dude, you just hit my --

You just opened your car door into my car.

What the hell are you talking about?

Dude, you just opened it up in front of my car.

Your car was a piece of shit anyway, so...

Hey, fellas. Cool it, okay?

We're all new yorkers here.

ah-choo.

You hit his car. Ah-choo!

I'm sorry. God bless you. Enough.

This is new york city.

Ham radio.

Get together, you sit down.

I don't care if you got to communicate over ham radio.

You pull it together, okay?

You guys are still looking at each other like hotheads.

Fermi paradox.

Okay, enough.

I mean, all we know is that we're here right now

In this time and place.

We don't know if there's aliens out there.

I mean, the fermi paradox, right?

Where are they? They're not here.

So all we've got is each other, is what I'm saying.

Sal: And in the words of my favorite female poet,

And in the words of my favorite female poet...

Give us your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to be free.

We are new yorkers.

Oh, that's pretty good. At the end. Wow.

Go ahead, dan cass. New york, new york!

Alright, murr, maybe just slink out of there with your zero.

That was a flop of epic proportions.

Sal: Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Hey, buddy.

You cussed in front of my kid. Go apologize.

Man: I have no idea what you're taking about. Go apologize.

Guys, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Chill out, guys. Look at everybody.

You're surrounded by new yorkers.

You guys are in here screaming at each other.

Puerto rican game show.

And -- and, you know, and it's like you walk in here,

It's like a puerto rican game show in here.

You know what I mean? Everybody's having a good time.

Everybody's having a blast.

You two bring that energy into here,

And look at all these people.

They can't even make eye contact with you.

That's how scary you are.

Now, I bet if you two met under different circumstances.

You guys would love each other.

And I would like to say...

The lexus December to remember sales event.

The lexus December...

And I would like to say...

Sal: The lexus December to remember sales event.

The lexus December...

The lexus December sales to remember event

Brings us all together.

Does it not?

Kling clang.

Kling clang. Kling clang, people.

We all want a lexus.

In conclusion...

Murr: Give me back my son.

...Give me back my son!

No one even looked up.

Narrator: The guys couldn't get a hand,

Making murr tonight's big loser.

Narrator: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen,

To the biggest night in fake sports.

Hell, yes, sally boy.

We got a big event tonight, so let's get right to it.

That's right. Murr lost, and murr's mouth

Is always writing checks his hips can't cash.

So we're here ringside at f.C. Chaos boxing and fitness

Ready to see his punishment.

Let's bring out the challenger.

♪ murr ♪

It's clear that murray is the heel tonight.

Oh, he's got his stepfather with him.

His stepfather is with him,

Bringing him to ringside.

Murr, welcome. Okay.

Hey, buddy.

Are you ready to find out who your opponent is?

Yes, you are. Hit the music!

♪ oh, oh, yeah ♪

wait a minute.

He's getting it. He's getting it.

He's getting it.

Yes! Yes!

We are watching his ass being bite.

Is that -- why you bought in a hula hoop?

Yes, it is. Yes, it is, sir.

Please get to your corner. Please.

In this corner... Alright.

...Weighing in at one pound, two ounces,

The hoop that'll throw your hips for a loop.

Call your doula, because here comes a hula!

I'm gonna win. I'm gonna win.

And in this corner from princeton, new jersey,

By way of georgetown university,

Where he played zero sports and he made zero friends.

James hubris murray, a man who boldly claimed during a meeting

At the beginning of this season that, "I can hula hoop

For an hour straight." oh, my god.

And even after q said,

"why are you so confident that you can hula hoop

For an hour straight?"

Murr replied, "because I won a competition in college

When I did it for 20 minutes.

And when sal responded,

"so you think you can hula hoop for an hour

Because you did it for a third of the time

30 years ago?"

Murr said, "yes, I can do it."

I can do it. I can do it! I can do it!

Murray, desperately trying to convince himself.

Let's get ready to hula!

Yes.

Place your bets!

Yes! Thank you, jeff.

Now, let's go ringside where our referee,

John szeluga, is talking to the competitor.

What's up, hula? I want a good, clean fight.

Alright? Okay.

No outside interference.

No more than 60 minutes.

As soon as the hoop hits the mat,

The punishment is over.

No redos.

Alright. Hoop, nothing below the belt.

Murr, you wearing a cup?

to your corners.

Is it rounds, or is it just one round?

One 60-minute round. Yeah.

This whole thing was designed around what you said

Out of your goddamn mouth.

All: Three, two, one.

here we go.

All: Three, two, one.

q: Here we go.

Here, he's off to the races.

Wow, the crowd is not on his side.

This is johnna scrabis reporting ringside

At the turquoise ring.

Folks, it's an incredible atmosphere here tonight.

I'm here with crew member joe imburgio.

Joe, what did you bet tonight?

I bet that james would make it all the way to the end.

I've been here for a long time.

You don't bet against james murray?

There used to be more writers on this show.

incredible.

Sal: Whew.

I have to be honest, there is no way in the world

He is lasting 60 minutes.

He can not.

Wow.

I -- I must...

Yes. Thoughts, sal. Thoughts.

Whether it drops in a moment or not,

I must commend his concentration.

Yeah. He is -- you can tell he is trying to be locked in.

He's dialed in, sal. He's dialed in.

He's dialed in at this moment.

Oh, now.

Yes, murray might be in better shape.

Whoa!

[ crowd chanting "drop the hula!" ]

The crowd is demanding the hula drop. Wow.

Wow! Whoo!

He's going to need to showcase

His mental fortitude as well.

Well, that's -- that's where -- that's

Where he's going to fail I think the most.

I mean, now he is in better shape than you

And I generally, but he still is

A little older than he used to be.

Yes, that's correct.

So who knows how this is going to go for him.

Yeah. Alright.

Now, now the crowd. [ crowd chanting "murr's a ferret" ]

Wow, the crowd is really opposed.

Wow. "murr is a ferret" chants are taking place.

I'm joined here by christian esten.

Christian, what did you bet tonight?

Haha, yeah. Okay.

Do you think murray's going to win?

Nah. No, he doesn't.

Sal: This is coming from the hearts and

Minds of our audience.

Wow. Uh-oh, what's happening?

I'm sensing -- ah, I'm sensing a break here.

Could he not even make five minutes?

Could he not even make three minutes?

That would be -- oh! Oh!

Oh, my god! 2:21!

2:21. Boo! And it is over.

It's over already.

Oh, my goodness. Sal and q: This is unbelievable.

3,000% under the time he said he was going to do it.

Oh, and here's his beautiful wife, melissa.

no!

Sal: The absolute pair of balls on this man.

The gall.

Both: The unmitigated gall!

I-I might have been mistaken.

I have not seen a failure of this magnitude in so, so long.

This is embarrassing. Bad, murr.

Everybody's screaming at me, I got in my head.

This punishment took months to put together.

And you shit the bed immediately.

Under 2.5 minutes is insane.

But don't say it like that.

Thank you so much for joining us.

On behalf of my partner, brian quinn, I'm sal vulcano,

Saying thank you and good night and good hula.

It was a pretty sad attempt, I must admit.