All language subtitles for Impractical.Jokers.S12E05.1080p.WEB.h264-BAE

Let's just get this started.

Are you kidding me?!

Who's a good cat?

Today, we're
at morton williams

Getting our grocery
shopping done.

However...

We'll be dressed
fully in costume

As a character picked out
by the other guys.

And we've got to do and say
whatever they tell us to.

You've got to stay
in character,

And if you refuse to do
or say any of it, you lose.

What's my character?

Youare a character.

Murr: Alright.

-Oh, wow. Look at this.
- yeah. Yeah.

So, sal, we told sal
he had to be a euro bro.

-Love it.
-Look at this guy.

Where's the music coming from,
by the way?

It's just always around him.

Music comes from my nuts,
bro.

Sal, just talk to
a fellow customer.

Get into a conversation.

excuse me.

Do you know
where is the...Olive?

Okay.

"in america, I see, uh, many..."

In america,
I see many...

-"...How do you say? Uh..."
-how you say...

"...Land whales."

"but you are very compact.
Why?"

You are very compact.
Why?

I'm looking around.
I see many, ooh, land whales,

But you is very compact,
fit.

Why is this?

-You're walking?
-Yeah.

"you're like land penguin."

Thank you. You're more like
land penguin, huh?

Just start a conversation

About the various meats
for sale here.

-Excuse me.
-Yeah?

This, uh --
this is chicken?

-This is pork loin.
-Pork. Pork loin. Okay.

"which meat
is for stamina?

I have a long night
with a prostitute."

Which meat is for stamina?

Which -- is it beef
for that?

I have a long night
with prostitutes.

I need to...

This one here?

Pow. Prostitute.

Pow.

sal,
can she take a photo of you?

Uh, give her your phone.

Excuse me.
May I ask, please?

Uh, my girlfriend is home.
May you take a photo of me?

A photo?
Thank you so much.

Make these sexy photos,
buddy.

Okay, now.

-Keep going.
-And it's, uh -- keep going.

Boom, boom, boom,
boom, boom, boom. Ready?

Boom, boom, boom,
boom, boom.

boom, boom, boom.

Boom, boom.

Oh, mwah.
Thank you so much.

I haven't seen sal having
this much fun in a long time.

boom, boom, boom,
boom, boom.

Oh, my god.
Look at that.

query -- where's the cheese?

actually,
murr sourced this

Entirely from
his own closet.

murr, when somebody
walks over to the buffet,

Skewer shrimp out
with your cane.

Alright, murr,
take that whistle out.

Be like, "where the
is my bird?"

Where...

Where the
is my bird?

Have you seen my bird?

Three. Another three.
Another three.

"where is my goose?"

Where is my goose?

It was to be plucked
and prepared.

Sir.

My goose was to be plucked
and prepared.

you don't care about my goose?

Away with you, ragamuffin.

What is your name,
sir?

Jay,
a pleasure to meet you.

"shake my cane, jay.
Shake my cane, jay."

Shake it like a gentleman.
There you go, jay.

"I own trains and candles."

I own trains and candles,
jay.

"I own so many trains
and candles..."

Jay, I own so many trains
and candles...

-"...I needed to buy..."
-...I needed to buy...

"...A home to house them."

...A home to house them.

I'm up to my neck, jay,
in raw candle materials

And other people's trains.

Riches away, jay.
Surely I've struck gold.

murray --
murray owns a candle company

And a bunch of trains.

I'm in a bad spot, jay.

Murr, try and buy
his head of hair off him.

Jay, how much
for your head of hair?

Put your hand out, jay.

Spill gold coins at him.

That's right.
Butcher, take his hair.

I want you to approach
someone and say,

"excuse me, I need
three pounds of carved goose."

alright.
What is your name?

Brian?

Now, I'll need three pounds
of carved ham,

Please,
if you don't mind.

Snap, snap to it, boy.

-Servant.
-"don't just walk away."

don't just walk away.

murray,
chase him around.

Sal: Clap at him.

Servant boy.
Servant boy.

Is it?

Aw. My two friends will say
when it's over.

- yeah.

oh, my god.
-Hey, man.

I actually
really like you in this outfit.

-This is going to be fun.
-You guys probably don't know

That there was cheech and chong
and gunk.

I went, uh, method boys.

Well, here's something,
and take this however you want.

Can't even tell
that it's not your regular...

Just so you know,
there's no difference right now.

Q, you see
the melon there?

Try to pay somebody 20 bucks
to smash it on the floor.

You want to smash this
melon for 20 bucks, dude?

You're alright?
Alright.

Sal: "you don't want to have
the time of your life?"

You don't want to have
the time of your life?

Q, get him back.
"come here."

Pip-pip cheerio,
brit man.

Come on,
I'll give you £20

To just smash this on the floor
as hard as you can.

"alright, you give me $20.
I'll do it."

You give me $20.
I'll do it.

$20?

Alright,
what if we give it to her,

And we both give her $20
to smash the melon, man?

"I've never held a melon
in my hand this long

And not smashed it."

I've never held a melon
in my hand this long

And not smashed it.

I'm going to be honest
with you.

I'm about to throw
this melon, man.

I can't smash it.

Come on.
Smash the

Smash the melon,
man.

Smash that melon.

"if you don't smash the melon,
I'm taking your girl."

Smash the melon.
Smash that melon.

"if you don't smash that melon,
I'm taking your girl."

If you don't --
if you don't smash that melon,

I'm going to take
your british girl.

That's right.
Smash the melon.

Smash the melon.

For once in your life,
live.

Live and smash
the melon.

-No one's getting arrested?
-No one's getting arrested.

I promise.

Yeah.

Arrest this woman.

Murr: Q, this guy
right behind you.

-You can go first, sir.
-Oh.

Yeah, I don't even know
what I want.

I'm still kind of,
like, searching.

"hey, hey, where's the craziest
place you ever took a dump?"

Where's the, uh...

Where do you --
where do you think

The craziest place...
You ever --

You ever took a dump?

-"I'll go first."
-I'll go first.

Mine --

Oh.

Wait, this guy had a response
cocked and loaded?

Wow. Well...

Thank you
for your service.

Alright. I think I'm going to
call this one a day.

Alright.
Thank you, sir.

I think that's a loss.

Narrator:
Q's turn went up in smoke,

So he's first up
on the loser board.

Today, we're posing
as supervisors

At a telemarketing firm,

And we've hired someone
to make cold calls

For charity donations.

We're going to be "helping"
these new employees

By giving them sales tips

To help keep the person
on the line.

Of course, these sales tips
will be given to us

By the other guys.

Whoever gets their employee

To follow the most amount
of sales tips wins.

-Alright, buddy.
-Hi.

-This is sheila.
-Hey, sheila.

Here we go, sal.

So we're called
the manduke project.
Yes.

We are a charity.

We're going to have you
cold-calling some people

To ask them to re-up
their donations.

-I'm ready.
-You ready? Alright.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

The people that we're calling
are, of course,

Our dear friends,
joe, john, johnna.

Remember, you're just having
a conversation.

-Alright.
-Alright.

-Hey. Uh, hello?
-Hi. My name is sheila,

And I'm calling from
the manduke project.

Imburge, say, "hey,
do you still have that
pond for the ducks?"

Hey, uh,
I have a question, actually.

Do you have that pond
for the ducks

You built last year?

-Yes. Yes.
-Yes.

-For the kids?
-Yes.

Sal, tell her to say

That if they don't reach
the quota this month,

They'll have to euthanize
the ducks.

Tell him if we don't --

If we don't meet
our quota this year,

We do have to euthanize
the ducks.

So, um, you know,
if we don't reach our quota,

Unfortunately...

We have to euthanize.

...We have to euthanize
the ducks.

"wait. You're going to kill
mr. Quacks?"

I'm sorry.
I'm just a little in shock.

Are you saying you
would have to kill mr. Quacks?

Murr:
Say, "dead ducks walking."

Just say, "but if we don't
meet the quota,

It's dead ducks walking."

So, um, if we don't
meet our quota, then it's...

-Dead ducks walking.

...Dead ducks walking.

Joe:Oh, lord.

Let's be frank here.
Let's just get to brass balls.

I'm going to probably do $300.

Okay, he wants three?
Okay, okay, okay.

Murr:
"oh, shuck me nuts.

I'm going to waive
the digital processing fee."

-Okay. $300. Just say...
-Is that okay?

..."you know what? We'll waive
the digital processing fee,"

So be like,
"$300? Shuck me nuts."

-If you're going to do $300...
-And shuck it.

I'll waive
the digital fees.

Okay.
That's good to hear.
"$300?
I mean, shuck me nuts."

Yeah, but $300 means
shucks me nuts.

Thanks.
$400. Let's do it.

"$600 would save
mr. Quacks."

Mr. Quacks will not s-survive
with that donation.

this woman's in hell.

Murr: Sal have her ask him
for $1,000.

If he doesn't take
this deal,

It means that he doesn't know
his nose from his balls.

-okay, this is it.

Say, "tell you what.
Give me $1,000.

If you don't take the deal,

You don't know your nose
from your balls."

He's going to take it.
I feel it.

Why don't you
give me $1,000?
Yes?

-That's a good deal.
-"you don't take this deal,

You don't know your nose
from your balls."

No.

"you don't know your nose
from your balls."

I'm not sure.
Is that a good deal?

She's got to say this,
bud.

If you don't take
this $1,000, um...

You don't know your nose
from your balls.

Wow.

Murr: Yeah!

You drive a hard bargain,
ma'am.

Listen, I'm here
to save mr. Quack's.

Sal:
Alright, here we go.

-Let's do it.
-You got it? Yeah.

One for the kids.

-Not a scam.

Hello?

Hi. Am I speaking
to johnna scrabis?

Uh, yes.

This is christian calling
from the manduke project.

I was wondering if you were
willing to donate this year.

-I got to think about it.
-I've dealt with her.

Murr:
Q, let's start you
off strong, buddy.

Tell him you're
going to interrupt him, right?

Just start talking to her.

I'm going to come over
to interrupt you.
Okay.

"you yell at me, 'shut up,
bitch. I'm talking to a vip.'"

And then you yell at me,

"shut up, bitch.
I'm talking to a vip."

-Look at his face.
-Watch. Watch the reaction.

Okay. Yeah. So --
so we're just raising money

For a new playground.
Um --

Hey, christian,
what's going on, bud?

Did you, uh, call
that entire list yet?

Um, just -- just --
just shut up, please.

Hold on.
Get out. Get out.

Okay. Alright, alright.
Sorry, sorry.

Q, he did not call you
a bitch.

How much do you think
we could put you down for?

Like...?

-I don't know.
-She loves video games.

Have him start talking to her
in a -- in mario's voice.

Speak like mario.

We're going to make
this woman laugh.

Just hang on. Go, "hello.
It's a-me, christian."

Watch.

"it's a-me, christian."

She's going to laugh
her ass off. Watch.

Christian, this works.

-He's surrounded.
-Closer, son.

Alright.
It's me, a-christian.

Johnna:Oh, you have
princess peach on the line.

Sal: Q, every time
she seems like she's souring,

Have him go,
"whoo-hoo!"

What else did mario do?
"whee-hee." right?

-Right.
-Alright, so ask her how much

She could be put down for.
-Yeah.

How much do you think
we can put you down for?

Just trying to think,
you know?
"whoo-hoo." "whoo-hoo."
"whoo-hoo."

Yeah, I understand.
I understand.

Murr:
he just won't do it.

"whoo-hoo."

-Uh...
-"whoo-hoo."

Alright, now, q,
"now tell them you're a.I."

christian:

She loves technology.

Tell her you're a.I.

Tell her you're a.I.

Tell her
you're an a.I. Chatbot.

"legally, I have
to let you know that I..."

So, johnna, legally,
I have to let you know

That you've been speaking
with an a.I. Chatbot.

No!

You sound so real.

"it's a-me, a.I."

"it's a-me, a.I."
go on.

It's a-me, a.I.

I love it.

So I committed $25.

Alright. That's --
that's great.

Thank you so much.

Okay.

Sal: "here we go."

Okay, here we go.

-Hello?
-Hi, is this john szeluga?

-Speaking.
-Hi. This is africa.

You've previously donated money
to the manduke project,

And we're hoping that you
would consider donating again.

Can I just talk to my wife
for one second?

Hold on.
-No problem. Do your thing.

Okay, so...

Sal: "here's what
we're going to do."

So here's what
we're going to do.

-"if he pushes back at all..."
-if he pushes back at all...

Sal: "...We'll say, 'oops,
I meant to call someone cool."

We'll say, "oops.

I meant to call
somebody cool."

"sounds like
I reached a weenie."

oh, my god.

-Yes. Hey, john.
-Hi.

Your wife is on board?

Things are a little tough
financially.

I don't know
if it's the right time.

Weenie. Weenie.

Thought I was talking
to somebody cool,

Not a weenie.

You know,
come on, john.

Aw, geez. Uh...

We need that money,
man.

She goes,
"we need that money."

He's going to
give it to you.

You know,
I got your e-mail, so...

We love you, john,
so...

John, "you guyslove me?"

I-I don't know.
You guyslove me?

"tell him things
you love about him.

Tell him things
you love about him."

Hold on.
Hold on real quick.

T-tell him -- tell him
what you love about him, okay?

Tell him...
-"he has a soft smile."

...He's got a soft smile.

He's got great calves.

Uh, great calves.
He's got --

Embellish it.

Sorry. We have another call.
Um, but, no. I love --

-No, it's okay.
-I love everything about you.

Your -- your laugh,
your smile, your jaw.
Calves.

I'm just saying,
you have great calves.

I never heard anything bad
about you.

But -- but how do you know
about my ca--

Are there pictures of me?

"tell him you have
a handful of pictures of him.

High-resolution."

Tell him you've got
a handful of pictures of him.

High-resolution.

I have a handful
of pictures of you.

High-resolution.

-I had no idea.

You know,
you're really good one.

Johnna:
Who are you talking to?

Oh.

This is manduke project.

Sal: "john, I heard her say
she likes your calves."

We're calling all the donors
that called --

I heard her say
she likes your calves.

John:She did say that,
but I don't know --

Okay, uh,
that's his wife, okay?

Yeah.
Oh, she is not playing.

She's not having it
right now.

So I need you to say to her
forcefully...

Sal: "it's dinnertime,
mother

I need to eat."

Say to her...

So I need you to say to her
forcefully...

Sal: "it's dinnertime,
mother

I need to eat."

Say to her, "it's dinnertime,
mother

And I need to eat.

Okay?
Just say it strong.

-Hey, your wife is there?
-Yes.

Yes, tell her, "it's dinnertime,
mother

And it's time to eat."

- oh, my god.

Tell her
this is business.

Chaos in the family
is good.

You got them.

"we got them all up
and they donate."

We get them all up,
and they donate.

You see?

Johnna:I should be in charge
of finances.

What's one thing you do
in this household?

Szeluga, go, "you're getting me
all up here."

John:You're getting me
all up here.

Szeluga, start yelling and
be like, "I need to donate."

I need to make a donation.
I just need to make a donation.

-"reel him in. Reel him in."
-yeah, like 500 bucks.

"rub my head
for good luck.

Rub my head
for good luck."

Rub -- rub my head
for good luck.

Go. Rub -- rub my head.
Go. Do it.

This is amazing.

Don't stop.

You know what, africa?
$600.

-Okay, $600. We got that.
-Whoa!

Yes, john, this is why
we love you and your wife.

Now I can eat,
mother

No, I'm playing.

Narrator: Q and sal
couldn't solicit a win,

So q is tonight's
big loser.

-Alright, baby.
-Alright, q, you've lost,

So, today,
we're at middlesex college

For your punishment.
-And here's a fun fact.

You have volunteered to be part
of a scientific study.

So you and a group
of participants

Are going to have
your brains monitored

To see what type of emotions
you're feeling.

I guess you guys
are controlling the emotions.

-Big time. Yes, yes, yes.
-Get in there, buddy.

We can't wait to see
what you're thinking.

Well, right now,
I don't need a sensor to tell me

That it's anxiety
and anger.

We're going to decide
what you're feeling.

-alright, great.

Murr: Here we go.

These are eeg readers,
electroencephalograms.

Sal:
Q, we asked them to size one
to a fred flintstone type.

It's got double the length
of cords.

So what they're doing is

They're monitoring
brain activity.

We're going to show you
some pictures

And you're going to
basically let us know

Sort of some of the emotions
that you're feeling.

And we're hoping
that we might be able to see

A little bit of those inner
subconscious emotions here.

The things on their head
don't even work.

Nothing is real.

So we're going to go to
our first image.

so we told johnna
what emotions to detect.

Okay. Interesting.

So I'm seeing happiness,
empathy,

That sort of nurture center

And then perplexed,
as well.

Huh.

Q, maybe explain
that one.

Yeah, I-I-I could see why
somebody would feel perplexment.

Like, where's his --
what's he doing?

Why is he -- why is that?
What, was he in a dance routine?

Is he in -- you know, like,
what's his duck up to?

I'd concentrate on flying,
if I was him.

You know, he's got wings.

Why are you making
extra work for yourself?

I could see it.

-Can you go to the next one?
-Okay.

Comfort.

And then I see rage, as well.

-Ah.
-Ah.

-Mm.
-Rage.

This is nostalgia
for me.

What about if you, uh, don't
like peanut butter and jelly

And you were forced to eat it
when you were a kid?

Oh, that's another --
that's trauma.

Q, maybe someone's had it
with all those fake allergies.

That or --
or if you're just fed up

With everybody's
fake allergies.

Like, everybody's got
a fake allergy these days.

My mom was actually
allergic,

Like, deathly allergic
to peanut butter.

Murr:
oh!

I'm just saying I could see
how someone would be like,

"I just want to eat peanuts
on a plane."

yeah.

Okay.

There's definitely anxiety.

There's some micro emotion
of annoyance.

-That was definitely me.
-Yeah?

Yeah, I always get annoyed
'cause then you have to go,

Ah, you got to vacuum up,
find all the little fragments.

Otherwise, you're going to cut
your feet.

Q, "maybe clumsiness is
someone's pet peeve."

Maybe clumsiness is
someone's pet peeve.

"you know,
like, you have one job."

Like, you have one --
one job to do.

"run the home.
Don't destroy it."

You know.

I could just see someone
being -- coming home

And being annoyed at,
like, another broken plate.

-Mm.
-Yeah. I mean, you got one job.

You're going to break
every plate in the house?

I could see someone feel
that way.

Okay, let's go forward.

Alrighty.

This image is more ambiguous,
so we see more variation.

"this skews anxious,
I believe."

This skews anxious,
and it skews anxiety.

-Q, that's you.
-Maybe border drama.

I could see somebody
getting a little worked up

About, like...
-"people love border drama."

I can't wait
for what comes next.

This skews anxious,
and it skews anxiety.

-Q that's you.
-Maybe border drama.

-"people love border drama."

I could see somebody
getting a little worked up

About, like...

...Like, border drama.

Oh, god, q.

People love border drama.

- ooh.
-Look at her face.

Oh,
she's had it with you.

They love drama, and they
especially love border drama,

So I could see it.

It could be anywhere.

It doesn't have to be
in the united states, even.

I was looking at
the license plate on the car,

And I recognized that
as new mexico.

-Ah.
-I love border drama,

So I-I'm --
I'm very in tune with this.

Alrighty.

Okay.
I want to say betrayal, right?

"I thought so.
I thought so."

Yeah, I thought so.
I thought so.

"'cause I get this one,
guys."

'cause I-I get this one.

"it's because you guys think
maybe some of us

Are dumb or so stupid."

It just feels like you guys
are trying to, like --

Maybe think
some of us are dumb,

Or -- or -- or is this,
like, a trick one,

Like, you're trying
to trick us a little bit?

'cause you would think I'm
going to think of the color red

'cause you wrote "red,"
but the main color's brown.

Maybe you're trying
to make some of us look bad.

We're playing games now?

Alright,
we're playing games.

That's fun.
We're playing games, everybody.

That's alright.

Okay.

Get ready, q.

-oh-ho, no, buddy. Oh, no.

Johnna: Empathy. Love.
Compassion.

he already sees
what's coming.

Anger.

-What? Anger?
-Anger. Yeah.

Why would someone feel anger?

"nah, this one's easy.
They're winning."

This is more --
very clearly anger.

It's not mixed
with that sad feeling.

This one seems easy to me.
They're winning.

Murr: Ooh.

Johnna:
Can you clarify?

Well, you know, we're having
tough international relations

Right now with everybody...

...And china's pulling
ahead of us,

And, you know, we say --

We -- we -- we...

You know, they're winning.

The fact that you can even
extrapolate that

From a child,
a baby is asinine.

I'm just saying
I could see why.

I mean, at any age...
-Shh.

-...They're winning.
-Oh, she just shushed you.

He is trolling us,
I swear to god.

I'm not saying it's me.

I'm just saying I understand.

It's clearly you.

Murr: Oh, my god.