Original subtitles

Adam Pally and Jon Gabrus on "impractical jokers."

- I love it. - Very cool.

And you guys have a new show coming up soon, right?

Yeah. "101 places to party before you die" on TruTV.

- That's ride. - What do you mean on TruTV?

- What was that? - Our show. It's on TruTv.

- No, no, no. Our show's on TruTV. - Yeah.

There's no room for another show.

You signed contracts with the network?

Yes, we signed contracts to the network too,

And they said they were going to put us on TV

Right after you guys.

Well, good luck with it, then.

Am I going to have to put on that much makeup?

[ laughter ]

[ laughter ]

[ Screams ]

[♪♪]

Let's just get this started.

Are you [bleep] kidding me?

Who's a good dog?

[ laughter ]

[ Cymbals crash ]

[♪♪]

[ laughs ]

[ laughter ]

Narrator: With special guests

Adam Pally and Jon Gabrus!

[ laughter ]

Hello, baby. Today we're posing as parents,

interviewing baby sitters to watch our kids.

Oh, we'll be conducting the interviews "at home"

So the baby sitter can meet our kids

and get a sense of our bizarre house, right?

Oh, goo! The goal is to convince

The baby sitter to take the gig despite the weird interview.

If they don't agree to babysit, you lose.

Goo! Goo!!

[♪♪]

So, David, have you ever watched the show before?

Yes. [ Both chuckle ]

Okay, so today we're working with children.

We may have our hands full.

Murr: Q's son David is... Energetic.

We're going to see how this goes,

but anything can happen. David.

- Oh, good, good. - Yeah?

Ask Q when he started gaining weight.

When did you start gaining weight?

Who asked you to asked that?

It was Q. No, I'm Q.

Who asked you to ask me?

I think it was... I think it was...

Don't you dare say it.

[ laughter ]

Oh, this is going to be interesting today.

- Hi, I'm Brian. - Ashley.

Ashley. This is my son, David. This is Ashley.

He's a great kid. This kid's great.

Oh, there he goes. This is his new favorite toy.

David, say, "I have your soul now."

I have your soul now!

[ laughter ]

Murr: Alright, show her around, Q. Come on.

Sal: Here we go.

We have a little surprise for Q.

You know, hanging out in here, and then...

Hey, you're back.

[ laughter ]

Okay. So this is my friend, Brian.

You got to see what they do with that goat!

[ laughter ]

He means we... You know, we milk the goat.

We make our own cheese out of the goat here.

Goat milk.

Yeah, but tell him about the other stuff with the goat.

You have to tell her about the other stuff with the goat.

You know, the adult stuff.

You know, like the adult stuff about the goat.

What? The adult stuff about that goat.

[ laughter ]

Murr: Dude, go "boing!"

Boing!

[ laughter ]

Yeah, so obviously Brian won't be here.

Usually when you're watching David,

That's when I'll be doing the goat-type type.

I just... I just need five more minutes.

Do you think they might want to babysit?

Yeah. Yeah?!

[ laughter ]

Are you [bleep] me? I can't believe it!

Wrong choice, lady!

[ Bell dings ]

- Hi, so nice to meet you. I'm Sal. - Nice to meet you.

Pleasure. Pleasure.

I've been babysitting for all of my life mostly.

Oh, so then you know exactly what I'm looking for then.

Let me show you around. Yeah. Here.

Murr: There's a cookbook there with a page annotated.

That's the recipe you have to cook Chloe.

She's picky what she eats.

She has a lot of allergies and stuff.

So this is... this is what I like to make her right here.

You see, it's catfish po'boy with pickle remoulade.

His daughter likes catfish po'boys?

Two tablespoons of sweet pickle relish.

Two tablespoons of chopped drained capers,

Two tablespoons of chopped flat leaf parsley.

One and a half teaspoon just smoked sweet paprika.

That's for the remoulade.

One garlic clove, also minced.

Two, you're going to make the po'boys.

A half cup of flour, the Salt, the cayenne pepper,

The garlic powder, the onion powder, the thyme,

The sage, ground ginger, and cumin.

In another pie plate, we're going to beat the eggs.

Dust the catfish with flour,

Fry the catfish in two batches over moderately high heat,

Turning once until the crust is golden and crisp... ideal.

Drain the fish on paper towels.

Now you're gonna spread the rolls with the remoulade on top.

Top with the fish and romaine and serve.

[ laughter ]

Alright, Chloe, come on in.

If you're making fish, then it's just a catfish.

Woman:...Sadly. Well, have you ever had...

- This is the cajun style. - Yeah.

- Oh, poor Chloe's on crutches. - [ chuckles ] okay.

- Hi. - How are you doing?

- Good. - I just went over the po'boy with her.

- That's all I eat. - Yeah, it's all she eats.

- [ laughter ] - What are you gonna do? She's picky.

How rude. She didn't bring a drink for your guest?

I'm sorry. It's a little bit rude, honey.

We have a guest. Please go get her a drink.

[ laughter ]

It's nice having a kid around because she does things

for me around the house, you know what I mean?

So she's very mature for her age.

She takes care of herself a lot when I'm not here.

You know what I mean?

She left the fridge open.

- Oh. - [ Scoffs ] oh, no!

She's got to go back and close the fridge.

Honey, honey, the fridge is open.

Before you even bring that here...

Okay?

[ laughter ]

What happened to her foot?

Oh, it got... it got hurt. Yeah.

Q: She's closing it with her face.

[ laughs ]

Drop the water and make a big show out of

trying to pick it up.

Like, if you're gonna have company, if you...

You okay?

[ laughter ]

No, no. She has to learn. Yeah, yeah.

[ laughter ]

- Join us, hon. - Yeah.

Listen, urgent, in case of emergency,

How long can you hold your breath?

And also, in case of any emergencies,

How long can you hold your breath?

I think a minute.

You can hold your breath for one minute?

Alright, let's try to get that a little higher.

[ laughter ]

So, we have two doors.

You can come in through the elevator, which I think you did.

Alright, Sal, you got to hire a babysitter.

If she'll have you...

Anyway, would you like to watch her?

- Yes. - Both: Oh.

- Excellent. Thank you. - Murr: Wow.

Q: Good job.

How are you? You can put your stuff down.

- Certainly. How are you today, Anna? - I'm good. Thank you.

Q: Here we go.

Murr, why don't you give her a snack?

- There's some stuff in the fridge. - Yeah. Be polite.

Forgive me. I am being so rude. Let me just grab that.

Sal: You prepped a platter.

I mean, if you like...

W-would you like some ham?

Yeah. Thanks.

[ laughs ] she took one!

Let's take a look around. So, little area, living room.

Thi... [ chuckles ]

[ laughter ]

This is, uh...

[ laughter ]

Let's take a look around. So little area, living room.

Thi... [ chuckles ]

[ laughter ]

This is my son, Alex.

- He's my... he's playing... - Hi, dad.

Hey, buddy. How are you?

Hi.

- This is Anna. This is Alex. - Nice to meet you.

He just noticed the hair.

Yeah, I see it.

I see your hair...

What's eating? Turn around.

What's eating on that shelf there?

The Chinese food is gonna get cold.

Oh, yeah. He's got... you've got some... Some noodles, some soup.

Murr, say, "oh, shit. This is cold."

Oh, shit. This is cold.

[ Gasps ] you sw... oh! Oh, you swore!

Sal: He's going to get some soap!

Alex: You're not to curse!

I'm... I'm... [ laughter ]

We have a... there's no cursing in the house,

And I said the s-word.

That was a curse. I didn't meant to.

I say "shit," you put the soap in my mouth.

[ laughter ]

Uh, rules are rules, so you're right, buddy. Okay.

Q: Oh, you put that in your mouth?

This is what's fair!

[ laughter ]

Why don't you take her to the room, show her the bedroom?

Well, come on in. Come on in.

Hey... o-okay.

Anna: Hi. Hi, Alex.

Alex?

- Hi, Alex. - Hey, Alex?

Maybe he's in the shower?

You know, the cleaning lady

hasn't been here in, like, two days.

- That's the thing. - Q: [ laughs ] "two days."

Go ahead, Murr. You and Anna find Alex.

Hey, bud? Where are you?

He does this. He hides. He's...

Alex. Hey, bud. Where you at, bud?

Q: "Marco." Marco.

Polo.

- She said Polo. - Marco.

Anna: Polo.

Marco. Polo.

Marco. Polo.

- I'm going to find you, Anna. - Uh-oh.

I'm gonna find. Marco.

[ laughter ] is that you?

Marco. Polo.

Marco! Marco!

Polo.

I think I'm getting closer to you.

[ laughter ]

Marco. Polo.

Marco? [ Laughter ]

Q: Offer a reward for her to find the kid.

If you can find the kid in the room,

Here's a $100 bill.

Do you mind just looking for... Just find him for me?

[ Stammers ]

I'll be with... look.

Oh! [ Laughs ]

There he is!

Oh, there he is.

Wait, wait, take your money back. That was too quick.

Great. I'll just... I'll just take this right back then.

"Dad, you should give her the 100 bucks."

You should give her the money.

"She found me. She did find me, so...

- Yeah. - It was a fair game,

So give her the money.

[ laughter ]

Q: "come on, white man. Give her the money."

Come on, white men, give her the money.

Oh.

[ laughter ]

Bud, you were right. A deal is a deal.

There is the $100 that I did promise you for finding my son.

Murr, that's it, bud. You win.

You're done, buddy. I can't... I can't breathe.

Would you like to babysit my son?

Great. Okay, great.

- Oh! - Oh! Alright.

Narrator: Cancel the sitter,

Q, Sal, and Murr are safe from the loser board.

- We're going to let you go first. - No, no, no.

Please. You're guests. - Alright. No problem.

Okay.

- Oh! - Tell you what. They got scared.

I'm just getting warmed up.

- Oh, there it is. - Oh!

Rewrite. Rewrite. A little diamond.

You want to rewrite this shape?

- Yeah. - Do a tight diamond.

Okay, so this is traditionally, like, a triangle,

But if you want to keep saying "tight diamond"...

A tight diamond.

I guess that's what they call a triangle in staten island.

- Yeah. - Oh!

He's heating up.

Oh! Suck on that!

Sal: Come on, fight for it.

Twice! Oh!

Bringing it back. [ Indistinct ]

[bleep] was that?

You guys think this is [bleep] funny?

[ Indistinct ]

Let's go, bitch!

This could be the game.

[♪♪]

Don't do it!

All: Oh!

We'll give you last licks.

One shot each, but if you get two, we play again.

[ laughter ]

Today we're competing head to head

To get some volunteers for our research study.

And the catch is that we won't know the topic

Of this bizarre study

Until we look at it for the first time.

We'll be rotating in and out of the room in pairs

And the one who gets least amount of volunteers loses.

And today we've got a special guest scorekeeper,

Casey jost!

Get to the focus group. Go.

[♪♪]

Q: Alright, here we go.

Hey, guys. How you doing? Hi, everybody.

We're looking for Alan. Alan? Alan? Hey, Alan.

Okay, so everyone's going to have a choice

To do one of two focus groups.

You let us know which one you want to do.

Simple as that. Okay.

The first one is... Is hot gravy versus crotch.

[ laughs ]

Hot gravy versus crotch.

So, what, they're pouring hot gravy on your crotch?

Yeah, that would be the... That would be that.

Okay, and for me we have here

How many bay leaves can you eat until a green stool?

Q: [ laughs ]

So your choice, Alan?

Um... [ laughter ]

The physically gonna pour hot gravy on me?

Y-yes, of varying degrees of temperature.

I'll do that one. I don't want to eat bay leaves.

You want to get hot gravy poured on your crotch

instead of eating a bay leaf?

How many do I have to eat of those?

How many bay leaves? Until you excrete.

I guess I'll do the bay leaf one.

- Q: Oh! Reversal! - Casey: Oh, wow!

Wow.

You're going to love bay leaves.

Alright. We're going to round two now.

Don't look at this. This is official.

Okay.

Oh, here we go.

Hey, guys. How you doing? Hi.

Myrna? Myrna? Myrna.

Myrna, hi.

So this one focus group is you just going to be

Testing erotic boxing equipment.

Murr: [ chuckles ] what?

That sounds like a great focus group to me.

Or...?

Or...

We watch you go "number one" for science.

Murr: [ laughs ]

It's just for... For science.

We... we can give you some diuretics.

Oh, no.

Or you can just come on, put on two pink boxing gloves

With a... With a dirty picture on it

And just punch some testicles for a half hour.

I do have some rage I want to release.

Alright! One win for Sal, one win for Q.

You got to pound the hell out of them nuts.

Alright, I'm up.

Casey: Alright, here we go. This is round three.

Hi, guys. How are you? Hi. Hello.

- Lisa? - I'm Lisa.

Lisa, we're going to pull you to a focus group now.

We have two left for the day.

The first one you can choose is...

O-oral surprise.

It's just... Will I be tasting it?

Maybe, but it's a surprise. You don't know.

- Okay. - Okay.

So this one is Dr. Horsenuts's nipple butter for joggers,

And it's a time trial,

Because when you jog, you get very chafe.

Sure. Sure. So Dr. Horse nuts

Is usually very good about his products.

Right. Alright. But, Lisa, I mean,

How often in life do we get an oral surprise?

[ laughter ]

Well, I suppose you could take some

Dr. Horsenuts's nipple butter for joggers

And put it in your mouth and see how it tastes.

No.

So your choice?

You. Oral surprise for the win.

Oh! Whoa.

Have had an oral surprise before?

Alright, come on in.

Sal: Whoa! She took oral surprise!

It's all tied up! One, one, one.

So I declare that all three of you should go out

And we see who the winner is.

We have one last focus group today,

And we're looking for a Patricia.

Patricia? Patricia?

Patricia. Okay. Hi, Patricia.

Patricia, first things first.

You can come with me and you're just gonna review

Some of our research on incest in the pigeon community.

Oh, god, no. No?

- Not in front of you. Videos. - Yeah, hm.

Patricia, you also have a choice of this focus group.

This one is we publicly release your personal,

Private information.

So social security...

Oh, mine... mine's not that bad.

It's just how much sand can you fit in your mouth?

- [ laughs ] - it's for a child's toy.

It's a choking hazard thing,

And we just see how much you can do before you're uncomfortable.

So that's how they figure out the choking limits.

How much sand can you fit your mouth?

Yeah.

Or we can release your personal, private information online.

Or, Patricia, mine's just watching a video.

We're trying to clean up New York City, you know,

And these pigeons are just... They don't discern.

So if you had to pick one?

I'd have to go with the sand thing.

Casey: Yeah! Sand! The sand is...

The sand thing.

Sand takes it.

Wow. Okay, now it's time for battle of the losers.

Whoever loses this gets the thumbs-down.

Hi, guys. Hi, everybody.

Hey, how's it going? Hi, I'm James.

Which one of you is Richard?

Right here. Oh, hello, sir.

Sal, do you want to? Sure.

With me, Richard, it's going to be a...

Tit-for-tat hair pull.

Um...

[ laughter ]

Murr: You have your choice, my friend, of which focus group

You'd like to attend.

With me, Richard, it's going to be a...

Tit-for-tat hair pull,

Adult versus adolescent.

So basically what's going to happen is you'll go in there,

Will match you up with an adolescent and,

Tit-for-tat, they'll pull your hair,

You'll pull their hair, and we're going to be testing,

You know, testing...

I'll go with that.

"I'll go with that."

Oh, hold on.

Or, Richard, you could choose a... a... a

A... a penis size examination.

We... we just... a medical doctor will... in private.

Okay.

The doctor is super attractive.

She... I have no problem with that one.

- You've no problem with that one? - [ laughter ]

But... but... But I thought you want to pull

A child's hair? No, no.

You said you wanted to pull a child's hair!

Attractive doctor for the win!

Come on, rich. Let's go measure that dick.

- Casey: Wow. Sal loses. - Q: Oh!

You know what this means, america.

Richard is packing. [ Laughter ]

Narrator: Sal couldn't measure up,

Making him tonight's big loser.

- Ha! - Sal.

So, Sal lost, so your punishment is going to be that you are

A tour guide here at the staten island museum.

- Right. - And do us a favor, take it from us...

- You're going to want to keep it moving. - Yeah.

That's right, because using this patented "impractical jokers"

Shock suit technology... Yeah.

...We're going to shock you whenever we want.

You're getting zapped. Yeah, I understand.

I was just asking about these, and I was told

They're for large dogs.

Very large dogs, yeah. That's why we put 17 on you.

Oh, god, I don't want to do this.

I don't want to do this.

What if we give a taste? Like a tiny taste?

Well, wait.

Let's just say right now not right now, right?

Not right now.

[ laughs ]

Don't do it unless...

Don't do it unless the game is on.

Why on earth would I listen to a single thing

You have to say about this? Please, buddy, please, please.

'Cause I'm actually... I think I'm gonna have a heart attack.

I really feel like it.

[ laughter ]

I can't take the not kno...

Aah! Ow!

No [bleep] way!

No way. I can't... I can't do it, man.

I can't do that.

Aah! Aah!

[bleep] people! [ Laughs ]

I'm not going able to... I will never not be able to not react.

- And why is he trying to hide it? - I don't know.

I don't think he understands this show after all these years.

Wait, wait, guys, wait. The cameras are hidden.

Your emotions are shown, just so you know.

I've only seen a few episodes 'cause I've only

Been in the hospital a handful of times in the last year.

[ laughter ]

So we're just going to hit you when we want, and it ends

When you get through the tour.

The boys are going to be out on the floor,

And we gave them the remotes.

It's in their hands. They got them in their pockets.

We've kept Sal's left side.

Yeah, we gave them the right. They've got his right.

I asked them to give me the lowest level.

It certainly is not. Sorry.

It's a punishment for Adam too.

Sal, Adam came to us and was like,

"I really don't want to do this.

I don't want to hurt Sal."

But I've never seen someone

More willing to shock you than Gabrus.

Can't wait to get to you.

Gabrus has a full boner right now.

[ laughter ]

Alright. You want to send in the group?

- Here we go! - Hi. How you guys doing?

- Good. How are you? - Good.

So this is our magic cicada room.

Okay, I know you guys...

I'll take you this way. Hello, sir.

So Adam's got that button. So take a look around.

So the artist installed everything in here.

In the middle of a Sal's sentence,

I want you to hit that button.

Come on, now.

Come on, Adam! Hit it! Adam, hit it!

You're on "impractical jokers." hit it!

The color of the paint was made...

Ow!

[ laughter ]

Murr: In the middle of Sal's sentence,

I want you to hit that button.

Q: Come on, now.

Come on, Adam! Hit it! Adam, hit it!

You're on "impractical jokers." hit it!

Sal: The color of the paint was made using...

An insect-based dye called an "allac"!

Um, scale insects from the family kerriidae,

Shellac is also made...

Look at Adam. He looks like he's in hell.

I wish I had a thing attached to Adam to shock him

When he didn't shock Sal.

[ laughter ]

Their life cycle is only 48 hours.

Adam, I want you to shock him as you're asking him a question.

And make sure he sees that controller.

Sal: Just have the life out and then...

Can I help you with anything?

Yes. Is it normal to have, like, all the bugs,

Like, out of cases like this?

Yeah, well... yeah! Yeah!

It's great. There's no other... There is no other exhibit

That does it this way. Q: Alright, Adam, hit him one more time,

And we'll let you off the hook with this.

- We're talking millions. - Could you do me a favor?

- Yes? - Think I lost my phone.

Could you just call it and hit that button for call?

It's on vibrate, so I'll hear it.

Okay. You don't hear it?

Go on, dude. Do it. Murr: It's the punishment.

[ laughter ]

Oh, uh, I heard it. Thank you so much.

[ laughter ]

Nice work. Very clever, Adam.

Now come on down here, buddy. Join us down here.

[ laughter ]

Thank you, sir.

Alright, Sal, move on to the other room.

Sal: So, we're going to take you to this room right here.

The janitor's working this one.

Yeah. There is he is. The janitor's in here.

Don't mind him. That's our buddy, Jon.

It's okay. You guys can come through.

I'm almost done in here anyway.

Alright. We just came from the cicadas.

Truly shocking room. Shocked them.

Sal, did you say you already went to the cicada room?

What's that? [ Zap ]

I've been to it.

You said you went to the cicada room?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah! I saw... [ zapping ]

Yeah! Yeah!

Well, he's like John Wayne Gabrus.

- This is crazy. - Adam: Yeah.

Now, this is the figure of luang.

Luang depicted as elderly monks with shaved heads,

Prominent ears... And long robes!

Sorry, I don't want to interrupt,

But tell them about the white falcon.

Well, this is my... The gem of the gems here...

[ zap ]

The white falcon. [ Laughter ]

And now I'm getting desensitized to it,

And now I find it funny.

You wanna go? We can send you back in.

No, I don't want to go back, but I'll hit the button.

[ laughter ]

Alright. Here you go, my friend.

Which leg of the tour is this on?

Is this the back leg or the front?

This is the... this is... The this the...

This is the second part of the...

Sal, that was Adam, just so you know.

And then... oh, I thought he wasn't going to do it anymore.

[ Zap ]

We'll head down here.

Up... [ exhales sharply ]

Yeah, I'm fine.

[ laughter ]

Just... I got heartburn.

[ laughter ]

Murr: Here we go, Sal.

Oh. Oh. [ Chuckles nervously ]

You can't find your phone?

No, I can't find it.

Adam lost his phone again.

So some of the stuff in here, it's...

I still have no phone.

They gave me this thing to find it.

Well, hit it. If I lose it and I hit this thing...

You should find it. Oh!

You try it. Let me see. You look for it, I'll hit it.

Have a look... [ zap ]

Warmer.

[ Zap ] [ whimpers ]

Murr: Guys, can you find that phone?

If you don't find your phone,

You can go downstairs to the lost and found.

I checked down there, and they said to come back up here.

Adam and Gabrus on three. One, two, three.

[ Zapping ]

That's...

[ laughter ]

There's a box downstairs with all the lost and found stuff.

You look like de niro, Sal.

[ laughter ]

One, two, and three.

You'll notice... [ zap ]

♪ Wait a minute ♪

[ laughter ]

Our... our, um... [ chuckles nervously ]

- Our older... - Sal, do you want me to call down to maintenance,

Tell them to turn the air conditioning up?

Yeah. Call down on three, two, one.

Go. [ Zapping ]

Yeah! Turn it... turn it up!

Whoa, whoa. You're making my thing go.

Oh, is your thing going off?

Turn it down! Yeah! Ooh!

Your signal must be going into mine.

Oh, sorry. I can try to...

What I can do is I'll call them later. I'll call them.

Q: Sal's confiscating them!

Okay. That's fair. We'll let you finish your tour.

That's it, bud.

Murr: Good job, buddy. Good work, Sal. Good work, buddy.

Good job, boys.

This is an... actual painting!

[ laughter ]