Original subtitles

- Hey-Hey! - Oh, my God.

- Oh! - Rob riggle!

We are massive fans, bro.

Massive. I can't believe you're here.

Aww, thank you very much.

- We're thrilled. - "We're thrilled." [ laughs mockingly ]

The idea that someone that we admire and love

as much as you coming on to "Impractical Jokers"

is just mind-blowing to us, dude.

I've been watching the show for years. I can't get...

- Is that right? - Oh, I can't get enough.

That blows my mind.

Does that blow your mind?!

[ laughs mockingly ]

Do you need anything before we start filming?

No, I'm good, man. I pretty much got everything I need.

"No, I'm good. I pretty much got everything I need."

- [ Chuckles ] - Dude, he's a guest on the show, man.

I don't know. I just... I'm a big fan, Sal.

Kind of hurts.

I-I am so sorry. I must've read the room wrong.

[ Mutters mockingly ]

[ Smacks table ]

Classic Sal.

[ Grunts ]

[ Shouting ]

[ laughter ]

[ Screams ]

Let's just get this started.

Are you [bleep] Kidding me?

Who's a good cat?

[ laughter ]

[ Cymbals crash ]

[ laughs ]

Narrator: With special guest Rob riggle.

There's been a murder.

[ laughter ]

Today we're at focus crossroads,

Posing as food scientists, asking focus-group participants

To taste test some new beverages.

Before they sample our product,

We have to run them through a list of possible side effects

That have been written by the other guys.

The goal is to get the participant

To drink each beverage despite the side effects.

Whoever has the fewest drinks drank loses.

Male pattern baldness.

Murr: Alright, buddy.

Hi. Did you come for the focus-group taste test?

Oh, it's a taste test?

- Yeah. - Oh.

Oh, that's not the only surprise

You got coming your way.

So the first one I'll have you drink

- Is this one right here. - Okay.

Couple things about this one here...

Contains rehydrating electrolytes

And a low concentration of sugar.

And then, last, premonitions of impending doom

Are perfectly normal

And should subside after a brief soak.

[ laughter ]

And it goes away with a brief soak.

A brief soak.

[ laughter ]

Would you like to try it?

- Yeah. - Alright.

Q: Well, it gets harder from here on out.

- Murr: It does. - Yeah.

Alright, we're gonna move along, Carol,

To the pink one right here.

It's infused with black sea Salt,

Which is actually, like, a luxurious item.

It's very artisanal.

And then just hear me now, blood clot, blood clot.

Okay.

No, not that you would get a blood clot.

Carol: Oh, okay.

But hear me now.

Blood clot, blood clot.

[ Q laughs ]

Is that "hear me now"?

H-e-a-r m-e n-o-w?

I mean, that's not what you would say, right,

If you read that? What does that say?

"Hear me now. Blood clot, blood clot."

Yeah. [ laughter ]

- Would you like to try it? - Oh, yeah, sure.

Oh, excellent.

[ laughter ] Murr: Damn it.

- We're going to move along to here, Carol. - Okay.

Okay, this product contains lutein and vitamin A

To help support eye health.

- You knew about that. - Mm-hmm.

Could cause ill-na-na. [ laughter ]

"Ill-na-na" means that...?

It could cause ill-na-na.

[ Speaks indistinctly, chuckles ]

I am not going to say. Go ahead.

Q: Oh, get her to say it.

What were you going to say?

- That it increases my libido... - Yeah.

...If that's what ill-na-na means.

Yeah, that's exactly... Precisely what...

It could cause that ill-na-na.

Yeah, yeah. That's what it means.

- Get the heck out of here. - No, I swear to God.

You're fooling with me, right?

No, I am not. I don't joke when it comes to ill-na-na.

- No way. - [ laughter ]

You've got to be kidding me.

It's a medical term, believe it or not.

Oh, I didn't... [ laughter ]

You sold it.

Why don't you give it a whirl? Are you willing to try that?

Murr: Agh! [ ding! ]

A-a-a-and how's that na-na feel?

Na-na feels great.

[ laughter ]

Ah, Carol brought you all the way, baby.

Hear me now. Blood clot, blood clot.

Ill-na-na, yo.

That's what I'm talking about.

[ Ding! ]

So, I am a food and beverage scientist.

My job is to create new concoctions.

This is the one place where he excels.

Odds are high, if you're speaking to Murray,

A high percentage of it is complete bullshit.

To begin, we'll start with the green one right here, okay?

A few things to note about this one.

The electrolytes in this product

Were derived from watermelon and sea salts.

Some side effects to note about this drink in particular...

The side effects are basically

The same shit as the covid vaccine.

Okay.

You know, so... You know.

[ laughter ]

And then one final thing to note

About this particular drink... Consumption of the product

Prior to intercourse may cause sudden confusion during sex.

[ laughter ]

If you'd like, you can taste the product

Knowing the details that I mentioned to you.

Yeah. Yeah? Okay, great.

Give it a try.

- Oh! - Oh, that's one!

You're not about to have intercourse later?

- No. - Great. Okay, great.

[ laughter ]

- Let's try this one, if you'd like. - Okay.

One important thing to note about this specific drink

Is that it may cause inverse diarrhea.

[ Sal laughs ]

It may also cause diarrhea.

Really, the drink could go either way, is what I'm saying.

It could cause inverse diarrhea, where you just...

It's like a black hole.

You know, you just kind of take everything in.

Or it could cause diarrhea, which is like a white hole.

[ laughter ]

And it is harmful if swallowed.

- So do you want to try it? - No.

- You don't want to try that one? - No.

Okay, so we'll... Put that one down, yeah.

Okay, the final one. Here we go.

Now, this product may cause Jon bon jovaries.

[ laughter ]

Sal: Overseas that rock.

So, uh... It's a... It's a medical term.

Jon bon jovaries, okay?

And, finally, important to note about this product,

It could cause mild soreness in your neck, your back,

Your... your...

- Oh. Oh. - Mm.

Don't drink that one. Don't drink that one.

[ laughter ]

Q: Murr, that's it, bud.

Okay, we're going to be doing some basis and product testing.

- Be quick, fun. - Okay.

Okay, that one right there, if you don't mind.

It contains ingredients derived from a bio engineered source.

If pregnant, there is a risk of parasitic twins.

No problems there?

- No. [ Laughs ] - Okay, excellent.

- She doesn't care about that. - [ laughs ]

Consumption of this product may cause...

Okay...

Murr: Say it.

Yeah... [ chuckles ]

[ laughter ]

Consumption of this product may cause hulkamania.

Murr: [ laughs ] I doubt that.

"It's going to run wild on you."

- Yeah, it's going to run wild on you. - Okay.

- You know, you got the pythons and all that stuff. - Right, right, right.

So it may cause hulkamania.

I'll need this when I'm on the bqe later.

[ laughter ]

Down the hatch. Oh, yep.

- This one, that's our next one. - Alright.

Could you just nod your head if you acknowledge

that micro-plastics are okay in very small doses?

I'm 3/4 plastic at this point, so...

[ laughter ]

Let me know what you think.

There's... that's next. There we go.

- This one's a little musky. - Okay. Oh, yeah. Okay.

This is the one... Constipation abound.

This will cause constipation?

- Abound. - Really?

One out of eight subjects report drowsiness,

Headache, gills, and anxiety.

Gills? [ laughter ]

And anxiety. And anxiety.

Oh, I don't need any more of that.

Let me know what you think.

Can I just see you look up?

Your ne... no... Nothing popping through?

- No. - No Gill? No Gill action?

- No. No Gill action. Promise. - Alright, alright.

And is constipation abound? Or you're fine?

I think I'm good.

[ laughter ]

"I think I'm good." "I think I'm good." she's a comedic genius.

- This is the last one. - Oh.

You may lose the concept of zero.

[ laughing ] What? [ laughs ]

The concept of zero?

You may lose the concept of zero.

You may not understand what zero means.

That's good, 'cause I don't like that number.

Toast on that one. [ murr laughs ]

Just two more quick things. It may cause horse face,

And it is not recommended for children under 12.

No, I don't care about kids,

And horse face, well, we'll see.

We'll see what happens.

Perfect score.

Cheers. [ ding! ]

Narrator: Murr couldn't escape all side effects,

So he's first up on the loser board.

Rob riggle. Crazy.

Q: The man, the myth, the legend.

You ready to be on "impractical jokers," buddy?

- Oh, yeah. - Alright, Rob,

There's a customer coming in right now, buddy.

[ Clears throat ]

Okay, we're going to tell you what to say and do.

Can I get you something to drink?

Gin and tonic, please.

Look at her. Don't look at the camera, buddy.

What?

- No, no, he's looking... - No, no, no, no, no.

No, pay attention to her.

- Gin and tonic. - Okay.

Rob, do not look into a camera.

Okay, smart ass, where do I look?

Sal: No. [ laughter ]

Pour her the drink, Rob.

Ah.

Together: No!

- Rob. - Aw, that was...

You're on "impractical jokers."

[ laughter ]

- Let's just... - I don't know what to do.

Let's just move on to another bit, I guess.

[ Grunts ]

Today, we're at willyb cross fit,

Taking a personal training session

Alongside another trainee.

[ Groaning ]

[ Grunts ]

We're going to have to do and say

What the other guys tell us to.

[ Grunting ]

[♪♪]

[ Grunts ]

[ Panting ]

If you refuse anything, you lose.

Q: Alright, murr's out there with Mike finoia.

Mike's a comedian friend of ours,

And he's the guy amongst us that looks like a trainer.

Alright.

Now, murr, you don't like finoia, right?

You've said that many times.

No, no, no, no. I despise him.

[ laughter ]

Let's stretch.

"Now, James."

- Now, James. - Yes, sir?

You were talking that you're an expert at jump roping.

We were talking, when we were alone,

That you're an expert at jump roping?

I don't know if I'm an expert,

But I jump rope, yeah. [ chuckles ]

- Can we see you jump rope? - Sure.

Let's do it.

Now, murr, I want you to just go everywhere.

Like, jump rope all around.

- Alright. - Never stop jump roping.

[ laughter ]

Sal: Just bowl right through them. Bowl right through them.

Watch out. Watch out. Coming through.

[ laughter ]

- Impressive. - Uh-huh.

You look like a show horse.

[ laughter ]

- "How am I doing, Mike?" - how am I doing, Mike?

It's actually terrible form.

[ laughter ]

- Okay... - You know.

...Let's wrangle it back in here.

Q: Hey, murr, by the pillar over there.

We hid some protein powder, bro.

We didn't give you any liquid [laughs]

So just start piling protein powder in your mouth, please.

Do you mind giving me one sec before...

Just got to fill up a little bit.

You know what I'm saying, Antoine?

- There it is, buddy. - Alright.

Mike: Do you have any... Do you have any water?

No, no, I don't need it.

When you work out like I do,

You just go straight for the...

[♪♪]

[ Coughs ] [ laughter ]

[ Coughs ]

[ laughter ]

- Let's go back to back. - Okay.

Yep. Now, what you'll do is,

Antoine, are you going to take the ball and go to one side,

Hand it to James...

- That's for the obliques? - Obliques. Ready?

This way first? Got it. Okay.

Q: Murr, just say the word "wrong."

Wrong.

[ laughter ]

Alternate between "wrong" and "good."

Good.

Wrong.

- "Sucks ass." - sucks ass.

Stink dick.

Stinks dick.

[ laughter ]

I know you said you wanted to work out with weights more.

- Want to hit the bench? - Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Let's get some weight.

Okay, murr, murr, go over to the stack of weights.

Right tucked in the corner down there

Is your favorite workout hat that I want you to put on.

It's the stupid [bleep] Straw fedora

You gave everybody at your engagement party.

- Now you wear it. - [ laughs ]

How we doing, boys?

[ laughter ]

Great.

James, why don't you spot him?

I see it. I see it. Yep.

[ Chuckling ] Murr, get that straw brim

As close to Antoine's eyes as possible.

Let's give it a try. I gotcha.

Q: [ chuckles ] Here we go.

I want that straw to touch his brows.

[ laughter ]

I gotcha. I gotcha.

I gotcha.

[ Ding! ]

Dude, you work out.

You have a gym in your home, right?

I have a gym in my home.

You've got the basics of all you need to stay

A prime specimen of the human race.

- That's right. - What happened?

You think this is what I look like when I don't work out?

Yeah. [ both laugh ]

Thanks for joining us today.

- Hi. I'm Brian. - That's Brian.

- Emily. - Emily.

Emily, nice to meet you. Very nice to meet you.

Alright, now, grab some weights, and we'll look at your form.

What about hammer curls like this?

My grandfather taught me this.

Sal: "My grandfather was in really good shape back in the day."

My grandfather was in really good shape back in the day.

"You had to be if you were in the German army."

[ laughs ]

But you had to be if you were in the German army back then.

[ laughs ]

"If you see me freeze up..."

If you see me freeze up...

"...It's probably 'cause I'm on the verge

Of another downstairs prolapse."

...Oh, boy, it's 'cause I'm on the verge

Of another downstairs prolapse.

That's all that's going to happen.

I'm going to have to... Like that.

No problems over here.

Mike: So why don't we do some individual sit-ups

Just to get nice and loose and warm?

Q, take the towel for the sit-ups,

Put it in your mouth to bite down on.

Yeah, watch, I'm just going to do it real quick,

Because I'm actually good at crunches.

And scream on every sit up.

[ Screaming ]

[ laughter ]

Take it out, and still scream like that.

[ Screaming ]

[ laughter ]

It's a little trick I learned. It helps with the muscles.

"Every time I come up,

I think of all the atrocities in the world."

Every time I come up,

I think of all the trocities in the world.

[ laughing ] "atrocities."

It gives me the motivation.

[ Screaming ]

[ laughter ]

Blood diamonds.

[ Ding! ] [ laughter ]

Sal, you ready to get your fit crossed?

We'll start with light weight,

And I'll show you the proper form.

Q: "Mr. Mike, whatever weight you give to Kent,

I would like five pounds heavier than Kent."

Whatever weight you give to Kent,

I'll do five pounds heavier than that.

Okay, well, it's not a comp...

[ laughter ]

- That's it. Establish dominance, Sal. - [ chuckling ] Yeah.

What we do is we grab weights

That we know that we can start with comfortably.

"Kent's probably a 10. I'm probably a 15."

Mr. Mike, the weights,

Which ones do you have your hands?

15 pounds.

Those are good for probably Kent.

I'll probably do 20.

[ laughter ]

I'll do 20. I'll let you know if I need help,

But I think I'm going to be good.

And as soon as he comes over, drop the weight.

Kent.

[ laughter ]

- Here, I'll hold his feet. - "Kent!"

- [ laughs ] - "Kent!"

Kent!

- Ready? - "spot!"

Spot. Okay, okay.

- There it is. There it is. - There it is.

As soon as they let go, you drop them again.

Mike: Let them go.

[ laughter ]

Do you want to try to do a chest press

- With the bar? - Sure.

Get that bar pinned to your chest, buddy.

You need help in the worst way, but you won't ask for it.

No, I'm good. I'm good. I got it.

- You sure? - Yeah, I got it.

Q: "I got it, Kent."

I got it. I got it. I totally got it.

Okay. Thank you.

Murr: "Help, help, help. Help, help help."

Kent!

[ laughter ]

Sal: Okay. Thank you.

- You sure you got it? - Yeah.

Right now, you can let go, and I got it.

Kent, help.

[ laughter ]

Don't touch it, Kent.

[ laughter ]

"[ Groans ] Help, Kent."

Help, Kent.

Murr: "Kent, get away."

I'm good, Kent. I'm good. I'm good, Kent.

- I'm good. Kent, I'm good. I'm good, Kent. - Okay, alright, alright.

Kent, help. Please help, Kent. Help.

[ Ding! ]

Narrator: Murr, Q, and Sal bulked up this week,

But murr is still tonight's big loser.

Hey, we're at west Bury manor, murr lost,

And that can only mean one thing.

- There's been a murder. - [ gasps ]

Sal: All you got to do, buddy, is play the dead body

In a performance by the murder mystery company

Guest-starring detective Rob riggle.

- Yes! - Okay.

Q: And, murr, it's not over, buddy,

Until the murder-mystery participants

- Figure out who done it. - Okay, alright.

And last thing is,

Your corpse will be found ass-out.

[ laughter ]

So I'm naked?

No, no. God, no.

You'll have on black socks.

[ laughter ]

Q: Rob, do not look into the camera.

How many times we got to tell you?

Don't look into the camera.

- I got it. - [ laughs ]

Sal: This murder-mystery event is about to start.

Murray is dead in the room

In nothing but his thong and socks.

We have yet to see what that looks like. Yes.

This is going to be the moment where we see it

For the first time.

Oh, here we go. It's about to start.

Ladies and gentlemen, there's been a murder.

[ All gasp ]

[ laughs ] Oh, my God, dude.

Oh, hell. Oh.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. [ laughs ]

I apologize for this disgusting sight,

But this is how we found him.

Look at Murray's ferret tattoo.

And as you can tell by his disgusting gray skin,

He is dead.

[ All gasp ] How hideous.

[ laughter ]

This guy's like, "how did I find myself here?"

You see, the killer could be any one of you.

- [ Gasps ] - Yes, what is your name?

I'm Lucy Morals.

That's Dina. She's with us.

And you, sir?

Oh, my name is Skip Showers.

That's imburge. He's with us.

And you, sir? What is your name?

- I'm Jack haas, and... - Guilty. Oh, sorry.

[ laughter ]

Q: I mean, this is the killer, right?

The killer is the tall guy in the blue suit, for sure.

Well, clearly, there is a Mark on our victim.

Woman: Is it a hickey?

There's only a handful of things

- That would leave a Mark such as this. - Yes.

A riding crop would leave a Mark like that.

We should cue you in there, baby.

- You want me? Yeah? - I think so.

Oh, I've been waiting for this. Yeah, I'm excited.

- Indeed. - We need to question

- The stable boy. - What's going on here?!

I was in the barn, about to get on the horse

And then make love to a wee lass!

What bullshit accent is that?

Rob: Is it possible that your riding crop

Could have made that Mark?

- Impossible. - I don't think that's true, sir.

What proof do you have of that?

Watch the Mark that forms when I slap this arse.

Sal: You ready, murr?

- Oh! - There's no Mark.

You see? No Mark.

Sal: [ laughs ]

Oh, wow, it did. It left a Mark. It actually left a...

Oh, God, don't get that close.

[ laughs ]

By all means, stable boy, you are cleared.

Top of the morning to you.

Well, let's keep investigating, I think.

We're going to have to move the dead body.

I'll need some help.

Clear that area. Clear that area.

Woman: Oh, no. Oh, this is disturbing.

Oh, I don't want to look.

[ laughter ]

- Oh, my gosh. - Aah!

Oh, I thought you were going to drop him.

[ Indistinct talking ]

[ laughter ]

That is not... ugh!

- There we go. - Okay.

- There we go. - Oh, my goodness.

- Is he alright? - He's dead, miss.

- He's good. He's good. - Yeah.

[ laughter ]

Woman: I don't think that is what we are looking for.

Sal: Move him back to the couch.

Let's move the body back. Let's move the body back.

Just push him over.

- Aah! - Aah!

[ laughter ]

Poor Murray.

Murr remember, stay still, man.

You are a corpse.

- Okay, there we go. - [ sighs ]

They have accepted him as nude and slumped there.

Clearly, we should conduct an autopsy!

- Yes, we should. - We should.

Now, I know we found the body on the couch lying prostrate.

Did someone say prostrate?

[ laughter ]

Rob: Clearly, we should conduct an autopsy!

- Yes, we should. - We should.

Now, I know we found the body on the couch lying prostrate.

Did someone say prostrate?

[ laughter ]

Dr. Frank.

And I'm here to do the autopsy.

Like at Murray.

[ laughter ]

I think we should bring him over by the bar.

Rob: Yes. Let's do. Let's bring him over by the bar.

- Alright. - Yes, great idea.

You ready to get dragged around again, murr?

- There we go. - Anybody else want to help?

A lot heavier.

[ laughter ]

Yes. Perfect positioning.

- Perhaps this will do? - That will do.

Why would Dr. Frank need privacy?

We will be checking things very, very carefully.

I think we might find a clue. A clue!

[ All gasp ]

It appears... it appears to be a scroll, inspector.

- A scroll. - This came from the corpse.

It was actually in the rectum.

[ laughter ]

"If you are reading this, then I am already dead.

Allow me to explain the circumstances

Behind my unfortunate death.

I was poisoned by my killer,

And in my dying moments, I knew I had to do all I could

To make sure my assailant was brought to justice.

I knew the trusty town doctor, Dr. Frank, would be called upon.

This is why I stripped down to my bright yellow thong

As the poison was setting in.

- [ laughs ] - How long this note is.

[ laughing ] He wrote this while he was dying.

This is a long note, right?

[ laughter ]

[ Clears throat ]

Damn it, I lost my place. Hold on a second.

Oh, God. I got to start over.

I'm sorry. [ laughter ]

I am so sorry.

"If you're reading this, then I'm already dead."

[ laughter ]

Yada, yada, yada.

"P.S. I almost forgot."

Uh-oh, he's about to reveal the killer.

The killer is...

...Jack haas!

- No! - What?!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

What the [bleep] Is going on?

What is happening?

We didn't tell him to do that!

That's not what this says.

It says...

That the real killer...

Is Sherlock Rob.

[ Gasping, indistinct shouting ]

That's right. That's right.

I did kill him, and I would've gotten away with it

If it hadn't been for that meddling thong.

[ All gasp ]

[ laughter ]

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

[ laughing ] Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

[ Women screaming ]

Can't breathe. We can't breathe back here.

Look at Murray. Look at Murray.

Murray, we want you to pop up,

Walk back around the bar, and thank everybody for coming.

Rob: Oh! Oh! [ women screaming ]

[ laughter ]

Guys, guys, thank you so much.

We get all our business from referrals,

So please tell your friends and family.

Thank you so much, guys.

[ laughter ]

You're done. You're done.

Rob riggle, out!

[ laughter ]