All language subtitles for Impractical.Jokers.S09E22.720p.WEB.h264-BAE - HI

- Hey-Hey!
- Oh, my God.

- Oh!
- Rob riggle!

We are massive fans, bro.

Massive.
I can't believe you're here.

Aww,
thank you very much.

- We're thrilled.
- "We're thrilled." [ laughs mockingly ]

The idea that someone
that we admire and love

as much as you coming on
to "Impractical Jokers"

is just mind-blowing to us,
dude.

I've been watching the show
for years. I can't get...

- Is that right?
- Oh, I can't get enough.

That blows my mind.

Does that blow your mind?!

[ laughs mockingly ]

Do you need anything
before we start filming?

No, I'm good, man. I pretty much
got everything I need.

"No, I'm good. I pretty much
got everything I need."

- [ Chuckles ]
- Dude, he's a guest on the show, man.

I don't know.
I just... I'm a big fan, Sal.

Kind of hurts.

I-I am so sorry.
I must've read the room wrong.

[ Mutters mockingly ]

[ Smacks table ]

Classic Sal.

[ Grunts ]

[ Shouting ]

[ laughter ]

[ Screams ]

Let's just get this started.

Are you [bleep] Kidding me?

Who's a good cat?

[ laughter ]

[ Cymbals crash ]

[ laughs ]

Narrator:
With special guest Rob riggle.

There's been a murder.

[ laughter ]

Today we're at
focus crossroads,

Posing as food scientists,
asking focus-group participants

To taste test
some new beverages.

Before they sample
our product,

We have to run them through
a list of possible side effects

That have been written
by the other guys.

The goal is to get
the participant

To drink each beverage
despite the side effects.

Whoever has
the fewest drinks drank loses.

Male pattern baldness.

Murr: Alright, buddy.

Hi. Did you come for
the focus-group taste test?

Oh,
it's a taste test?

- Yeah.
- Oh.

Oh, that's not
the only surprise

You got
coming your way.

So the first one
I'll have you drink

- Is this one right here.
- Okay.

Couple things
about this one here...

Contains rehydrating
electrolytes

And a low concentration
of sugar.

And then, last, premonitions
of impending doom

Are perfectly normal

And should subside
after a brief soak.

[ laughter ]

And it goes away
with a brief soak.

A brief soak.

[ laughter ]

Would you like
to try it?

- Yeah.
- Alright.

Q: Well, it gets harder
from here on out.

- Murr: It does.
- Yeah.

Alright, we're gonna
move along, Carol,

To the pink one
right here.

It's infused
with black sea Salt,

Which is actually, like,
a luxurious item.

It's very artisanal.

And then just hear me now,
blood clot, blood clot.

Okay.

No, not that you would get
a blood clot.

Carol: Oh, okay.

But hear me now.

Blood clot, blood clot.

[ Q laughs ]

Is that "hear me now"?

H-e-a-r m-e n-o-w?

I mean, that's not what
you would say, right,

If you read that?
What does that say?

"Hear me now.
Blood clot, blood clot."

Yeah.
[ laughter ]

- Would you like to try it?
- Oh, yeah, sure.

Oh, excellent.

[ laughter ]
Murr: Damn it.

- We're going to move along to here, Carol.
- Okay.

Okay, this product contains
lutein and vitamin A

To help support eye health.

- You knew about that.
- Mm-hmm.

Could cause ill-na-na.
[ laughter ]

"Ill-na-na" means
that...?

It could cause
ill-na-na.

[ Speaks indistinctly,
chuckles ]

I am not going to say.
Go ahead.

Q:
Oh, get her to say it.

What were you
going to say?

- That it increases my libido...
- Yeah.

...If that's what
ill-na-na means.

Yeah, that's exactly...
Precisely what...

It could cause
that ill-na-na.

Yeah, yeah.
That's what it means.

- Get the heck out of here.
- No, I swear to God.

You're fooling with me,
right?

No, I am not. I don't joke
when it comes to ill-na-na.

- No way.
- [ laughter ]

You've got to be
kidding me.

It's a medical term,
believe it or not.

Oh, I didn't...
[ laughter ]

You sold it.

Why don't you give it a whirl?
Are you willing to try that?

Murr: Agh!
[ ding! ]

A-a-a-and how's that
na-na feel?

Na-na feels great.

[ laughter ]

Ah, Carol brought you
all the way, baby.

Hear me now.
Blood clot, blood clot.

Ill-na-na, yo.

That's what
I'm talking about.

[ Ding! ]

So, I am a food
and beverage scientist.

My job is to create
new concoctions.

This is the one place
where he excels.

Odds are high, if you're
speaking to Murray,

A high percentage of it
is complete bullshit.

To begin, we'll start with
the green one right here, okay?

A few things to note
about this one.

The electrolytes
in this product

Were derived from watermelon
and sea salts.

Some side effects to note about
this drink in particular...

The side effects
are basically

The same shit
as the covid vaccine.

Okay.

You know, so...
You know.

[ laughter ]

And then
one final thing to note

About this particular drink...
Consumption of the product

Prior to intercourse may cause
sudden confusion during sex.

[ laughter ]

If you'd like, you can taste
the product

Knowing the details
that I mentioned to you.

Yeah.
Yeah? Okay, great.

Give it a try.

- Oh!
- Oh, that's one!

You're not about to have
intercourse later?

- No.
- Great. Okay, great.

[ laughter ]

- Let's try this one, if you'd like.
- Okay.

One important thing to note
about this specific drink

Is that it may cause
inverse diarrhea.

[ Sal laughs ]

It may also cause
diarrhea.

Really, the drink could go
either way, is what I'm saying.

It could cause inverse
diarrhea, where you just...

It's like a black hole.

You know, you just kind of
take everything in.

Or it could cause diarrhea,
which is like a white hole.

[ laughter ]

And it is harmful
if swallowed.

- So do you want to try it?
- No.

- You don't want to try that one?
- No.

Okay, so we'll...
Put that one down, yeah.

Okay, the final one.
Here we go.

Now, this product may cause
Jon bon jovaries.

[ laughter ]

Sal: Overseas that rock.

So, uh... It's a...
It's a medical term.

Jon bon jovaries,
okay?

And, finally, important to note
about this product,

It could cause mild soreness
in your neck, your back,

Your... your...

- Oh. Oh.
- Mm.

Don't drink that one.
Don't drink that one.

[ laughter ]

Q: Murr, that's it, bud.

Okay, we're going to be doing
some basis and product testing.

- Be quick, fun.
- Okay.

Okay, that one right there,
if you don't mind.

It contains ingredients derived
from a bio engineered source.

If pregnant, there is a risk
of parasitic twins.

No problems there?

- No. [ Laughs ]
- Okay, excellent.

- She doesn't care about that.
- [ laughs ]

Consumption of this product
may cause...

Okay...

Murr: Say it.

Yeah...
[ chuckles ]

[ laughter ]

Consumption of this product
may cause hulkamania.

Murr: [ laughs ]
I doubt that.

"It's going to
run wild on you."

- Yeah, it's going to run wild on you.
- Okay.

- You know, you got the pythons and all that stuff.
- Right, right, right.

So it may cause hulkamania.

I'll need this when I'm
on the bqe later.

[ laughter ]

Down the hatch.
Oh, yep.

- This one, that's our next one.
- Alright.

Could you just nod your head
if you acknowledge

that micro-plastics
are okay in very small doses?

I'm 3/4 plastic
at this point, so...

[ laughter ]

Let me know
what you think.

There's... that's next.
There we go.

- This one's a little musky.
- Okay. Oh, yeah. Okay.

This is the one...
Constipation abound.

This will cause
constipation?

- Abound.
- Really?

One out of eight subjects
report drowsiness,

Headache, gills,
and anxiety.

Gills?
[ laughter ]

And anxiety.
And anxiety.

Oh, I don't need
any more of that.

Let me know
what you think.

Can I just see you look up?

Your ne... no...
Nothing popping through?

- No.
- No Gill? No Gill action?

- No. No Gill action. Promise.
- Alright, alright.

And is constipation abound?
Or you're fine?

I think I'm good.

[ laughter ]

"I think I'm good." "I think I'm good."
she's a comedic genius.

- This is the last one.
- Oh.

You may lose
the concept of zero.

[ laughing ] What?
[ laughs ]

The concept of zero?

You may lose
the concept of zero.

You may not understand
what zero means.

That's good, 'cause I don't
like that number.

Toast on that one.
[ murr laughs ]

Just two more quick things.
It may cause horse face,

And it is not recommended
for children under 12.

No, I don't care
about kids,

And horse face,
well, we'll see.

We'll see what happens.

Perfect score.

Cheers.
[ ding! ]

Narrator: Murr couldn't escape
all side effects,

So he's first up
on the loser board.

Rob riggle. Crazy.

Q: The man, the myth,
the legend.

You ready to be on
"impractical jokers," buddy?

- Oh, yeah.
- Alright, Rob,

There's a customer
coming in right now, buddy.

[ Clears throat ]

Okay, we're going to
tell you what to say and do.

Can I get you
something to drink?

Gin and tonic,
please.

Look at her. Don't look
at the camera, buddy.

What?

- No, no, he's looking...
- No, no, no, no, no.

No, pay attention to her.

- Gin and tonic.
- Okay.

Rob, do not look into
a camera.

Okay, smart ass,
where do I look?

Sal: No.
[ laughter ]

Pour her the drink,
Rob.

Ah.

Together: No!

- Rob.
- Aw, that was...

You're on
"impractical jokers."

[ laughter ]

- Let's just...
- I don't know what to do.

Let's just move on
to another bit, I guess.

[ Grunts ]

Today,
we're at willyb cross fit,

Taking a personal
training session

Alongside another trainee.

[ Groaning ]

[ Grunts ]

We're going to have to
do and say

What the other guys
tell us to.

[ Grunting ]

[♪♪]

[ Grunts ]

[ Panting ]

If you refuse anything,
you lose.

Q: Alright, murr's out there
with Mike finoia.

Mike's a comedian
friend of ours,

And he's the guy amongst us
that looks like a trainer.

Alright.

Now, murr, you don't like
finoia, right?

You've said
that many times.

No, no, no, no.
I despise him.

[ laughter ]

Let's stretch.

"Now, James."

- Now, James.
- Yes, sir?

You were talking that
you're an expert at jump roping.

We were talking,
when we were alone,

That you're an expert
at jump roping?

I don't know if I'm
an expert,

But I jump rope, yeah.
[ chuckles ]

- Can we see you jump rope?
- Sure.

Let's do it.

Now, murr, I want you
to just go everywhere.

Like,
jump rope all around.

- Alright.
- Never stop jump roping.

[ laughter ]

Sal: Just bowl right through them.
Bowl right through them.

Watch out. Watch out.
Coming through.

[ laughter ]

- Impressive.
- Uh-huh.

You look like
a show horse.

[ laughter ]

- "How am I doing, Mike?"
- how am I doing, Mike?

It's actually
terrible form.

[ laughter ]

- Okay...
- You know.

...Let's wrangle it
back in here.

Q: Hey, murr,
by the pillar over there.

We hid some protein powder,
bro.

We didn't give you
any liquid [laughs]

So just start piling protein
powder in your mouth, please.

Do you mind giving me
one sec before...

Just got to fill up
a little bit.

You know what I'm saying,
Antoine?

- There it is, buddy.
- Alright.

Mike: Do you have any...
Do you have any water?

No, no, I don't need it.

When you work out
like I do,

You just go straight
for the...

[♪♪]

[ Coughs ]
[ laughter ]

[ Coughs ]

[ laughter ]

- Let's go back to back.
- Okay.

Yep.
Now, what you'll do is,

Antoine, are you going to take
the ball and go to one side,

Hand it to James...

- That's for the obliques?
- Obliques. Ready?

This way first?
Got it. Okay.

Q: Murr, just say
the word "wrong."

Wrong.

[ laughter ]

Alternate between "wrong"
and "good."

Good.

Wrong.

- "Sucks ass."
- sucks ass.

Stink dick.

Stinks dick.

[ laughter ]

I know you said you wanted
to work out with weights more.

- Want to hit the bench?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Let's get some weight.

Okay, murr, murr, go over
to the stack of weights.

Right tucked in the corner
down there

Is your favorite workout hat
that I want you to put on.

It's the stupid [bleep]
Straw fedora

You gave everybody
at your engagement party.

- Now you wear it.
- [ laughs ]

How we doing, boys?

[ laughter ]

Great.

James,
why don't you spot him?

I see it. I see it. Yep.

[ Chuckling ]
Murr, get that straw brim

As close to Antoine's eyes
as possible.

Let's give it a try.
I gotcha.

Q: [ chuckles ]
Here we go.

I want that straw
to touch his brows.

[ laughter ]

I gotcha.
I gotcha.

I gotcha.

[ Ding! ]

Dude, you work out.

You have a gym
in your home, right?

I have a gym in my home.

You've got the basics
of all you need to stay

A prime specimen
of the human race.

- That's right.
- What happened?

You think this is what I
look like when I don't work out?

Yeah.
[ both laugh ]

Thanks for joining us
today.

- Hi. I'm Brian.
- That's Brian.

- Emily.
- Emily.

Emily, nice to meet you.
Very nice to meet you.

Alright, now, grab some weights,
and we'll look at your form.

What about hammer curls
like this?

My grandfather
taught me this.

Sal: "My grandfather was in really
good shape back in the day."

My grandfather was in really
good shape back in the day.

"You had to be
if you were in the German army."

[ laughs ]

But you had to be if you were
in the German army back then.

[ laughs ]

"If you see me
freeze up..."

If you see me
freeze up...

"...It's probably 'cause
I'm on the verge

Of another downstairs
prolapse."

...Oh, boy, it's 'cause
I'm on the verge

Of another
downstairs prolapse.

That's all
that's going to happen.

I'm going to have to...
Like that.

No problems over here.

Mike: So why don't we do some
individual sit-ups

Just to get nice
and loose and warm?

Q, take the towel
for the sit-ups,

Put it in your mouth
to bite down on.

Yeah, watch, I'm just
going to do it real quick,

Because I'm actually
good at crunches.

And scream
on every sit up.

[ Screaming ]

[ laughter ]

Take it out,
and still scream like that.

[ Screaming ]

[ laughter ]

It's a little trick I learned.
It helps with the muscles.

"Every time I come up,

I think of all the atrocities
in the world."

Every time I come up,

I think of all the trocities
in the world.

[ laughing ]
"atrocities."

It gives me
the motivation.

[ Screaming ]

[ laughter ]

Blood diamonds.

[ Ding! ]
[ laughter ]

Sal, you ready to get
your fit crossed?

We'll start
with light weight,

And I'll show you
the proper form.

Q: "Mr. Mike, whatever weight
you give to Kent,

I would like five pounds heavier
than Kent."

Whatever weight
you give to Kent,

I'll do five pounds heavier
than that.

Okay, well,
it's not a comp...

[ laughter ]

- That's it. Establish dominance, Sal.
- [ chuckling ] Yeah.

What we do is
we grab weights

That we know that we can
start with comfortably.

"Kent's probably a 10.
I'm probably a 15."

Mr. Mike, the weights,

Which ones
do you have your hands?

15 pounds.

Those are good
for probably Kent.

I'll probably do 20.

[ laughter ]

I'll do 20. I'll let you know
if I need help,

But I think
I'm going to be good.

And as soon as he comes over,
drop the weight.

Kent.

[ laughter ]

- Here, I'll hold his feet.
- "Kent!"

- [ laughs ]
- "Kent!"

Kent!

- Ready?
- "spot!"

Spot.
Okay, okay.

- There it is. There it is.
- There it is.

As soon as they let go,
you drop them again.

Mike: Let them go.

[ laughter ]

Do you want to try to do
a chest press

- With the bar?
- Sure.

Get that bar pinned
to your chest, buddy.

You need help in the worst way,
but you won't ask for it.

No, I'm good. I'm good.
I got it.

- You sure?
- Yeah, I got it.

Q: "I got it, Kent."

I got it. I got it.
I totally got it.

Okay. Thank you.

Murr: "Help, help, help.
Help, help help."

Kent!

[ laughter ]

Sal: Okay. Thank you.

- You sure you got it?
- Yeah.

Right now, you can let go,
and I got it.

Kent, help.

[ laughter ]

Don't touch it,
Kent.

[ laughter ]

"[ Groans ]
Help, Kent."

Help, Kent.

Murr:
"Kent, get away."

I'm good, Kent. I'm good.
I'm good, Kent.

- I'm good. Kent, I'm good. I'm good, Kent.
- Okay, alright, alright.

Kent, help.
Please help, Kent. Help.

[ Ding! ]

Narrator: Murr, Q, and Sal
bulked up this week,

But murr is still
tonight's big loser.

Hey, we're at west Bury manor,
murr lost,

And that can
only mean one thing.

- There's been a murder.
- [ gasps ]

Sal: All you got to do, buddy,
is play the dead body

In a performance by
the murder mystery company

Guest-starring
detective Rob riggle.

- Yes!
- Okay.

Q: And, murr,
it's not over, buddy,

Until the murder-mystery
participants

- Figure out who done it.
- Okay, alright.

And last thing is,

Your corpse will be found
ass-out.

[ laughter ]

So I'm naked?

No, no.
God, no.

You'll have on
black socks.

[ laughter ]

Q: Rob, do not look
into the camera.

How many times
we got to tell you?

Don't look into
the camera.

- I got it.
- [ laughs ]

Sal: This murder-mystery event
is about to start.

Murray is dead
in the room

In nothing but his thong
and socks.

We have yet to see
what that looks like.
Yes.

This is going to be the moment
where we see it

For the first time.

Oh, here we go.
It's about to start.

Ladies and gentlemen,
there's been a murder.

[ All gasp ]

[ laughs ]
Oh, my God, dude.

Oh, hell.
Oh.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
[ laughs ]

I apologize
for this disgusting sight,

But this is
how we found him.

Look at Murray's
ferret tattoo.

And as you can tell by
his disgusting gray skin,

He is dead.

[ All gasp ]
How hideous.

[ laughter ]

This guy's like,
"how did I find myself here?"

You see, the killer
could be any one of you.

- [ Gasps ]
- Yes, what is your name?

I'm Lucy Morals.

That's Dina.
She's with us.

And you, sir?

Oh, my name
is Skip Showers.

That's imburge.
He's with us.

And you, sir?
What is your name?

- I'm Jack haas, and...
- Guilty. Oh, sorry.

[ laughter ]

Q: I mean,
this is the killer, right?

The killer is the tall guy
in the blue suit, for sure.

Well, clearly,
there is a Mark on our victim.

Woman: Is it a hickey?

There's only
a handful of things

- That would leave a Mark such as this.
- Yes.

A riding crop
would leave a Mark like that.

We should cue you
in there, baby.

- You want me? Yeah?
- I think so.

Oh, I've been waiting for this.
Yeah, I'm excited.

- Indeed.
- We need to question

- The stable boy.
- What's going on here?!

I was in the barn,
about to get on the horse

And then make love
to a wee lass!

What bullshit accent
is that?

Rob: Is it possible
that your riding crop

Could have made
that Mark?

- Impossible.
- I don't think that's true, sir.

What proof do you have
of that?

Watch the Mark that forms
when I slap this arse.

Sal: You ready, murr?

- Oh!
- There's no Mark.

You see? No Mark.

Sal: [ laughs ]

Oh, wow, it did. It left a Mark.
It actually left a...

Oh, God, don't get that close.

[ laughs ]

By all means, stable boy,
you are cleared.

Top of the morning
to you.

Well, let's keep investigating,
I think.

We're going to have to move
the dead body.

I'll need some help.

Clear that area.
Clear that area.

Woman: Oh, no.
Oh, this is disturbing.

Oh, I don't want to look.

[ laughter ]

- Oh, my gosh.
- Aah!

Oh, I thought
you were going to drop him.

[ Indistinct talking ]

[ laughter ]

That is not... ugh!

- There we go.
- Okay.

- There we go.
- Oh, my goodness.

- Is he alright?
- He's dead, miss.

- He's good. He's good.
- Yeah.

[ laughter ]

Woman: I don't think that is
what we are looking for.

Sal: Move him back
to the couch.

Let's move the body back.
Let's move the body back.

Just push him over.

- Aah!
- Aah!

[ laughter ]

Poor Murray.

Murr remember,
stay still, man.

You are a corpse.

- Okay, there we go.
- [ sighs ]

They have accepted him
as nude and slumped there.

Clearly, we should
conduct an autopsy!

- Yes, we should.
- We should.

Now, I know we found the body
on the couch lying prostrate.

Did someone say
prostrate?

[ laughter ]

Rob: Clearly, we should
conduct an autopsy!

- Yes, we should.
- We should.

Now, I know we found the body
on the couch lying prostrate.

Did someone say
prostrate?

[ laughter ]

Dr. Frank.

And I'm here to do
the autopsy.

Like at Murray.

[ laughter ]

I think we should bring him over
by the bar.

Rob: Yes. Let's do.
Let's bring him over by the bar.

- Alright.
- Yes, great idea.

You ready to get dragged around
again, murr?

- There we go.
- Anybody else want to help?

A lot heavier.

[ laughter ]

Yes.
Perfect positioning.

- Perhaps this will do?
- That will do.

Why would Dr. Frank
need privacy?

We will be checking things
very, very carefully.

I think we might find a clue.
A clue!

[ All gasp ]

It appears... it appears
to be a scroll, inspector.

- A scroll.
- This came from the corpse.

It was actually
in the rectum.

[ laughter ]

"If you are reading this,
then I am already dead.

Allow me to explain
the circumstances

Behind
my unfortunate death.

I was poisoned
by my killer,

And in my dying moments,
I knew I had to do all I could

To make sure my assailant
was brought to justice.

I knew the trusty town doctor,
Dr. Frank, would be called upon.

This is why I stripped down
to my bright yellow thong

As the poison
was setting in.

- [ laughs ]
- How long this note is.

[ laughing ] He wrote this
while he was dying.

This is a long note,
right?

[ laughter ]

[ Clears throat ]

Damn it, I lost my place.
Hold on a second.

Oh, God.
I got to start over.

I'm sorry.
[ laughter ]

I am so sorry.

"If you're reading this,
then I'm already dead."

[ laughter ]

Yada, yada, yada.

"P.S. I almost forgot."

Uh-oh, he's about
to reveal the killer.

The killer is...

...Jack haas!

- No!
- What?!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

What the [bleep]
Is going on?

What is happening?

We didn't tell him
to do that!

That's not
what this says.

It says...

That the real killer...

Is Sherlock Rob.

[ Gasping,
indistinct shouting ]

That's right.
That's right.

I did kill him, and I would've
gotten away with it

If it hadn't been
for that meddling thong.

[ All gasp ]

[ laughter ]

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

[ laughing ] Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

[ Women screaming ]

Can't breathe.
We can't breathe back here.

Look at Murray.
Look at Murray.

Murray,
we want you to pop up,

Walk back around the bar,
and thank everybody for coming.

Rob: Oh! Oh!
[ women screaming ]

[ laughter ]

Guys, guys,
thank you so much.

We get all our business
from referrals,

So please tell
your friends and family.

Thank you so much, guys.

[ laughter ]

You're done.
You're done.

Rob riggle, out!

[ laughter ]