Original subtitles

Narrator: Coming up --

Has prince herb become prince charming?

"this mother's day, I will show my love

With something from the chocolate lovers collection."

[ laughter ]

Does murr think life in plastic is fantastic?

"I know daddy was in my room again

Because the barbies were wrestling."

[ laughter ]

And which losing joker won't rock the airwaves

In tonight's punishment?

[ buzzer ] man: You're wrong, bitch.

Ooh.

[ laughter ]

Prince herb: Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ laughter ]

Murr: Like a boss!

[ laughter ]

Prince herb: I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ laughter ]

Joe: "routine stool samples may be requested."

Today, we're posing as high-powered lawyers,

And we've got to walk focus-group participants

Through a standard legal contract

We just need them to sign.

Okay, the catch is that this contract has been filled

With all sorts of weird terms and conditions

That have been put in there by the other guys.

The lawyer who gets the least amount of signatures loses.

Everything's fine. Just sign here.

I'm looking for a glen. That's me.

Hi. How are you, sir? I'm good. And you?

My name is prince. I'm just legal counsel for...

Okay.

That's the guy that you think's the lawyer --

Prince herb. Yeah.

We're premium focus groups llc.

This is a boilerplate contract.

"participant understands that participant's comments

Made within aforementioned group may be written down."

Sure. All right?

"understand that there is no corpus juris

Like a new jersey corpus juris

Because the new jersey corpus juris don't stop."

[ laughter ]

What's a corpus juris?

Since we're in new jersey, we're following new jersey law.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, that's the one.

Again, this is so standard. [ ding! ]

He signed!

"acknowledge that, at the present,

You do not understand your used of 'vosotros'

Pluralization in spanish."

[ laughing ] no one uses "vosotros."

So you just initial for "vosotros."

[ ding! ]

He signed!

"in the event of a calamitous office disaster,

I consent to an autopsy performed by amateur hobbyists."

[ laughter ]

-Amateur hobbyists. -Initial here.

So they don't do it as a living.

They actually just examine dead bodies

As, like, their part-time thing,

Like people collect stamps?

[ laughter ]

This guy's amazing!

God, I really hope I don't die any time soon.

No. [ ding! ]

And that actually brings me to the last two provisions,

Which was, no one can amend this after you sign it.

And then, "this mother's day, I will show my love

With something from the chocolate lovers collection."

Just sign.

[ laughter ]

No. You don't want to --

You don't want to -- for mother's day,

You don't even want to indulge in the chocolate?

She has high blood sugar. Are you kidding me?

[ laughter ]

No, this is -- this is -- just too stupid.

This is the --

This is too stupid.

"well, then, I obviously have to sweeten the deal."

And reveal what you have in your briefcase.

Look, if this isn't enough for you,

Might I sweeten the deal?

Murr: [ laughing ] what's in there?

♪♪

[ laughter ]

It's filled with birdseed!

This is all yours.

You want my john hancock on there?

Yes, please.

[ laughter ] appreciate that.

I see the bird feed did the trick.

[ ding! ] there you go.

-Thank you. -Wait, wait, wait.

Q: He signed it "john hancock."

[ laughter ] wow!

My name is james murray.

I am the lawyer here at the focus group. Okay.

We legally have to take you through a few of the things. Okay.

-Okay. -Here we go.

You agree to participate in the focus group today.

So, "participant agrees

That the federal bureau of investigation, fbi,

May adapt participant's name and likeness

To portray a fictional terrorism suspect

For internal training purposes only."

[ laughter ]

Just sign next to that one so I know that that is okay.

[ ding! ] this initial next to that one.

Wow! He's got one.

Great. Moving ahead.

Okay, "I acknowledge that I am not,

Nor have I ever been,

Musical artist sarah mclachlan."

[ laughter ]

I don't even know who that is.

So then it's totally fine. Yeah.

Just sign right there. [ ding! ]

That is two! Two, murray. Good job.

"I heretofore agree

To be called 'moist richard' for the remainder of the day."

[ laughter ]

What that means...

-Moist richard. -...Moist richard...

[ laughter ] yeah.

...Is we like to keep

Your identity anonymous to the clients.

Oh, good spin!

If they were to ask you, "what is your name?"

You would say...

Moist richard.

"moist richard" is what you would say, right.

Great. So just sign next to that, too.

Oh, you have to initial "m.R." for "moist richard."

[ ding! ]

Now, number 12 -- this is really important, okay?

"in the event that I, the undersigned, moist richard,

Move to beaver dam city, wisconsin,

At any point in perpetuity,

I forfeit my rights to payment."

I don't know. All of this seems a little bit strange.

Oh, really? Most of them are very standard, I would say.

[ laughter ]

I want you to be comfortable, moist richard.

[ laughter ]

You know, we'll strike the beaver dam one.

[ ding! ]

Jennifer? Yes.

Hey, how are you? Hello.

My name is danny passman.

Danny passman. Ah!

Ah! We know danny.

Our dear friend and our lawyer.

I am an attorney, and I'm here for you.

We got to go over the contract.

Okay. Okay.

He's doing good.

I'm a little embarrassed to read it over with you

Because it's so standard.

-Here he goes. -Here he goes.

Uh-oh. You have to read.

[ laughter ]

Okay, all right. So, it's just, partici--

"participant acknowledges that participation

In this focus group is voluntary service."

It sounds like all of q's teeth are loose.

"in the event of -- in the event of

A donkey boy vs. The state of connecticut situation,

I knowingly waive my right to free speech."

[ laughter ]

What is donkey boy?

He works for the company here,

And he's in a little bit of an issue with connecticut.

So that's not a problem.

-Yeah! -He got one.

[ ding! ]

Okay, "while partaking in this international focus group,

I understand that I am technically

No longer under u.S. Law."

That's just the...

"the u.S. Has no jurisdiction here."

So, yeah, the u.S. Doesn't really --

[laughing] doesn't really have jurisdiction here.

I don't understand. Why would that be in there?

No, no, it's only for the focus group.

The data from the focus group could be used internationally.

I could cross that out. That's no problem.

I'm here for you. I'm danny passman.

This is all very standard stuff.

All right, let's go through the whole thing

Before I initial anything else. Okay, okay.

-Oh! -Oh, she didn't sign that one.

Number seven -- "if by chance I perish here,

I agree to donate my corpse

To premium focus groups, incorporated llc."

That's just a --

[laughing] it's pretty standard.

If you die here...

[ laughter ]

If she dies in a focus group.

Family doesn't get your body.

Why would something like that even be in a contract?

Because we do different focus groups for different reasons.

[ laughter ]

Yeah, but why would my corpse have anything to do with that?

"your corpse is yours."

Yeah, your corpse is yours. What's the rest of it?

That's it. I don't even think we should be discussing anything

About a corpse.

[ laughing ] let's just cross that one right out.

You're right. Murr: That was a reach.

Okay, this is a standard -- very standard.

"in terms of business,

I will not touch anyone's eyes."

I can't imagine...

[ laughter ]

I can't imagine that you have a problem with that one.

You don't intend to be touching anybody's eyeballs in this?

Some of this is the craziest stuff I've ever heard.

I agree. And that's why -- that's law for you.

[ laughing ] you are getting destroyed.

"court of body competent juris..."

[ mumbles gibberish ]

You can't read that to me like that.

[ laughter ]

Yeah, you're absolutely right.

[ laughing ] you're absolutely right about that.

This is just saying that we can't change this contract

Without you knowing.

It doesn't sound legitimate to me.

It doesn't -- it sounds very strange.

-Oh! -Oh!

One!

All right, well, thank you very much.

Good luck in the thing.

[ laughter ]

Murr: He slowly slinks out of the room.

All right, here we go.

Hello. Uh, mario? Yeah.

Yes. Hi. Nice to meet you.

Q: Look at the back of joe's shirt.

[ laughter ]

Joe had to cut his shirt open 'cause he's too fat to fit it.

-Nice to see you today. -All right.

"the participant acknowledges that the participation

In the focus group's voluntary," meaning you do it on your own.

Nobody's forcing you to.

"participant states that the participant

Will smile with teeth and express enjoyment

In a genuine and realistic manner

When the focus-group leader, the fgl,

Articulates intent to create joy."

[ laughter ]

So that just means you're gonna be pleasant in the room

And do your best to be -- okay.

You just initial next to that one for me.

But you've done these before, you said. Yep.

All right. That was pretty easy.

This one here --

"I hereby consent to twice-monthly house calls

From premium focus groups, incorporated, representatives.

Routine stool samples may be requested."

[ laughter ]

Murr: That's it!

"I hereby consent to twice-monthly house calls.

Routine stool samples may be requested."

[ laughter ]

What? Routine stool?

If you're doing a food or drink sample,

For sure, they may ask for a routine stool sample

To see things, but -- okay, I didn't know.

Yeah, just...

Murr: Wow! He did the double tap.

I didn't think he was gonna agree to shit on command.

Number seven is a good one here.

"I agree not to sue this company for,

At minimum, 24 hours after this meeting."

You'll sleep on it.

I'll sleep on whether I want to begin formal litigation

Against this company.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

I'm not gonna sue you that, man.

You're not gonna sue -- right, you wouldn't.

[ ding! ] are they gonna punch me or something?

No, no, no, no, no. Are they gonna poison me?

No, poison's definitely not it.

[ laughter ]

Number 12 -- "I understand that payments made to me today

Will be off the books

And my presence here will have no standing record

And hereby referred to as 'caziche under the table.'"

[ laughter ]

So that's just basically saying that we're gonna be able

To break you off a piece without having to report it.

Cool, cool, yeah.

[ laughter ]

Prince herb: I like the tap.

He goes, "we're gonna break you off a piece

Without having to record." he's like, "okay."

[ ding! ]

Oh, that's a cake walk!

I don't think I've ever gotten my ass kicked

As hard as I did today.

-All right, that's everything. -Perfect sweep.

Narrator: Q's contract got shredded,

So he's first up on the loser board.

Today we're at the cafe at art factory,

And we've stumbled across something very personal --

Our daughters' diaries.

Ah! While chatting with a stranger,

We've got to get them to agree

It's okay to read three diary entries.

The catch is that these weird entries

Have been written by the other guys.

Q: Ooh! To read or not to read?

If you can't get through three complete diary entries,

You lose.

Secrets.

[ whispering ] secrets.

Q: Prince herb, is your daughter's name

"princess herb"?

[ laughter ]

Joe: Here we go.

[ gasps softly ]

Can I run something by you?

Me and my daughter -- we got matching backpacks.

I threw my thing in her bag today,

And it has her journal in it.

And I am like, do I look at?

Um...

-She gave him the go-ahead. -Yeah!

I can't be anything that crazy.

It can't be, right?

Yeah, that's what you think, lady!

Hmm.

"dear diary, father sleeps with his eyes wide open."

[ laughter ]

"it spooks me and my sister.

I stuck a thumbtack in him,

And he didn't even flinch.

Sister stuck with a sewing needle --

Nothing.

But when we walked away, I swear I heard him mutter,

'thank you.'"

[ laughter ]

I gotta -- after that, I gotta read more.

There's a lot more left?

Murr: Turn to page seven.

"dear diary, I gotta spill some tea.

My dad is sus.

My mom is lit.

I hate to be savage, but dead-ass,

I have to shade my dad or low-key

He will cringe me to death."

What the [bleep] does this mean?

[ laughter ]

What the [bleep] does any of this mean?

Can you break this down with me?

"my dad is sus."

Suspect.

"I have to shade my dad"?

"low-key." insulting?

So, ultimately, this passage is not good for me.

[ laughter ]

What do you think? One more.

It's -- you already read.

I've already opened it. Okay. Exactly.

Q: Page eight. We want to see what's going on with eight.

"dear diary,

Father made me fire the williams today.

Williams was an obedient servant,

But father says it is time for me

To grow my serpent's teeth."

[ laughter ]

"I wept when williams fell prostrate..."

[ laughter ]

"...Prostrate on the ground and begged for his job.

So father made me stand among the hickory switches

Until I felt nothing again."

[ laughter ]

[ chuckles ] this is -- whoo.

She's got my mind on her. Sounds very advanced.

"thank you for telling me to read it."

Thanks a lot for convincing me to read it.

You know...

[ laughter ]

She shouldn't be going to the hickory switches.

[ laughter ]

Joe: Prince herb pulls it off.

Uh-oh.

[ laughter ]

I -- I accidentally took my daughter's backpack

Instead of my own. That sucks.

Shoot. It's her diary.

Do I -- I gotta read something, right?

Yeah, if you want to find something out,

Go ahead.

[ laughter ]

Prince herb: He has zero hesitation.

Joe: Murr, go to page five buddy.

Here we go. "dear diary,

Dad broke his wrist trying to push a pull door today.

I saw him winding up to push it and I yelled, 'it's a pull!'

And then he said, 'okay, four eyes.'"

[ laughter ]

"then he sped up to burst through

But smashed into the door and writhed in pain.

Now he's suing my school again. Fml."

[ ding! ]

Wow.

I mean, is this wrong that I'm doing it as a father?

I'm not a parent, man. I don't know.

-Let's read one more. -Go ahead.

Okay, "dear diary,

Every day my dad picks up a photo of grandma

And kisses it,

But she's, like, still alive."

[ ding! ]

[ laughter ]

Let him sit! Let him sit! Keep making that face!

[ laughter ]

Hey, man, do what you gotta do.

Yeah, yeah, that, that.

I gotta read one more, right?

Go ahead.

All right. Let's see.

"dear diary, I know daddy was in my room again

Because the barbies were wrestling."

[ laughter ]

"dear diary, I know daddy was in my room again

Because the barbies were wrestling."

[ laughter ]

"they were all upside down on top of each other,

Head-to-toe."

Quite the hobby, man.

"stewardess barbie was missing,

So I went to check his shower,

And, sure enough, there she was.

I need a lock, diary." [ ding! ]

Yeah, she definitely does.

[ laughter ]

Makes the grandma one look pretty tame, huh?

[ laughter ]

Narrator: No page was left unturned,

Making q tonight's big loser.

-Okay! -Q has lost.

And, q, you are big in the podcast world, right?

Oh, huge, huge!

Yeah, so for your punishment, we're just gonna have you

Go into this waiting room, grab a random stranger,

Invite them to be a guest on your podcast.

What's the podcast about?

It doesn't matter at all.

It's just gonna get really awkward real quick

In this little room.

That's it. I got it!

My guest didn't show up.

For the podcast.

-Oh, no, again. -Oh, the guest didn't show up.

-It's okay. I'll do it. -You'll do it?

She'll do it. Take her. Take her.

Come on in. What is your name?

-Dalia. -Dalia.

He's recruited this woman from a focus group

To be part of his podcast.

Prince herb: Now, we've set up this entire podcast,

All of it segments.

And, of course, we are controlling

All the sound effects you'll be hearing from here.

Yeah, that's good. Oh, the mic's picking you up, actually.

It's great. It is?

Play your theme song.

I'm gonna do the theme song. Okay.

I want to watch the world burn.

[ mellow instrumental music playing ]

Do you want to rock out to some smash mouth?

Man: You're listening to "chatty with fatty."

Yeah! You're fatty. You're fatty. You're fatty.

Well, welcome to "chatty with fatty."

I'm fatty. That's me.

I normally sit down with celebrities, politicians,

And other people of note, and, unfortunately,

Former state senator teddy mcgovern

Wasn't able to make it today.

Teddy. Theodore.

So I went out to the lobby and grabbed this person,

And now you're our guest.

Let's get to it. Please introduce yourself.

My name is dalia.

[ buzzer ] man: You're wrong, bitch.

Woman: Oh, hell no. Hey! What is that?

[ laughter ]

Trying to get these buttons together, I guess.

Man: Hee-haw!

[ laughter ]

[ air horn blows ]

[ air horn blows ]

[ laughter ]

Murr: "let me just jump into part one here."

So, my first segment here is called "apologies." mm-hmm.

"as per the terms of last week's out-of-court settlement,

I apologize sincerely to miss celine dion."

[ laughter ]

"what I did was juvenile and hurtful,

But I still think I should be commended

For finding your home address."

[ laughter ]

All right, fatty, why don't we take some callers now?

Hey, do you want to take some callers?

Oh, sure.

We've lined up some callers, of course.

These aren't real people. They're friends of ours.

Let's go to our first caller.

Hello. You're on "chatty with fatty"

With brian and dalia.

Man: Yeah. I don't care about any of this nonsense

You're talking about.

I want to know, where the hell is the t-shirt I ordered?

This sounds like brian johnson.

Is this brian johnson?

It is not. It is not.

[ laughter ]

When did you order this shirt?

Six months ago.

Ooh.

Remember you said it was for charity?

Yeah, well, I looked it up, and there's no such thing

As a make the wish foundation.

[ laughter ]

That's terrible.

Man #2: Hee-haw!

That's you, sir. Uh-oh.

But he wants his shirt. Get him his shirt.

-Yeah! -Yeah!

Okay, next caller, next caller.

You are excellent at this.

I'm playing devil's advocate here.

Hey, fatty, it's ashley from brooklyn.

Hey, ashley, how you doing today?

So, my son listens to your podcast,

And he started calling me a "whiny millennial mom

Who subsists off the gen-x and boomer teat."

And that's all language that he's learned from you.

[ buzzer ] man: You're wrong, bitch.

Ashley: Yeah, yeah, it's language like that exactly.

Well, you need to sit down and just ask him,

Why is he speaking to you in those terms?

That's right. So I would...

Murr: Q, it seems like you're getting off easy

In this push, man.

The question really is, though,

What's happening outside the room?

[ bang ]

[ laughter ]

Yes!

Murr: Q, it seems like you're getting off easy

In this push, man.

The question really is, though,

What's happening outside the room?

[ bang ]

[ laughter ]

Yes, it was cool that we got you in a room for an hour.

Exactly the time we would have needed

For you not to be in your house.

[ laughter ]

Q, you can sign off whenever you want

So you can find out what the real punishment was, buddy.

That's great. Thank you for listening

For "chatty with fatty" and dalia.

Murr: "and if I thought this was the punishment..."

And if I thought this was the punishment...

[ buzzer ] man: You're wrong, bitch.

[ laughter ]

Hey, everybody, and welcome to my home

And hours of searching to see what they did to me

While I was in the radio show.

Went to change into something more comfortable.

"your clothes have all been donated

In the name of joe, sal, and murr.

And no tax break for you."

All my clothes given.

They left me the skele-toes.

[ cat meows ]

Benjamin, did you know about this?

[ laughs ] did you? Mm.

Did you let them in?

Did you let them in?

Oh, you're the one that let them in and let them do this?

[ cat meows ]

Quiet, chessie.

[ sighs ]

Friends and cats, man -- mixed blessing.