All language subtitles for Impractical.Jokers.S09E19.1080p.WEB.h264-BAE

Narrator: Coming up --

Has prince herb become
prince charming?

"this mother's day,
I will show my love

With something from the
chocolate lovers collection."

[ laughter ]

Does murr think life in plastic
is fantastic?

"I know daddy was
in my room again

Because the barbies
were wrestling."

[ laughter ]

And which losing joker won't
rock the airwaves

In tonight's punishment?

[ buzzer ]
man: You're wrong, bitch.

Ooh.

[ laughter ]

Prince herb:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ laughter ]

Murr: Like a boss!

[ laughter ]

Prince herb:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ laughter ]

Joe: "routine stool samples
may be requested."

Today, we're posing as
high-powered lawyers,

And we've got to walk
focus-group participants

Through a standard
legal contract

We just need them to sign.

Okay, the catch is that
this contract has been filled

With all sorts of weird
terms and conditions

That have been put in there
by the other guys.

The lawyer who gets the least
amount of signatures loses.

Everything's fine.
Just sign here.

I'm looking for a glen.
That's me.

Hi. How are you, sir?
I'm good. And you?

My name is prince.
I'm just legal counsel for...

Okay.

That's the guy that
you think's the lawyer --

Prince herb.
Yeah.

We're premium
focus groups llc.

This is
a boilerplate contract.

"participant understands
that participant's comments

Made within aforementioned group
may be written down."

Sure.
All right?

"understand that
there is no corpus juris

Like a new jersey
corpus juris

Because the new jersey
corpus juris don't stop."

[ laughter ]

What's a corpus juris?

Since we're in new jersey,
we're following new jersey law.

Okay.
Yeah, yeah,
that's the one.

Again, this is so standard.
[ ding! ]

He signed!

"acknowledge that,
at the present,

You do not understand
your used of 'vosotros'

Pluralization in spanish."

[ laughing ]
no one uses "vosotros."

So you just initial
for "vosotros."

[ ding! ]

He signed!

"in the event of
a calamitous office disaster,

I consent to an autopsy
performed by amateur hobbyists."

[ laughter ]

-Amateur hobbyists.
-Initial here.

So they don't do it
as a living.

They actually
just examine dead bodies

As, like,
their part-time thing,

Like people collect stamps?

[ laughter ]

This guy's amazing!

God, I really hope
I don't die any time soon.

No.
[ ding! ]

And that actually brings me
to the last two provisions,

Which was, no one can amend this
after you sign it.

And then, "this mother's day,
I will show my love

With something from the
chocolate lovers collection."

Just sign.

[ laughter ]

No.
You don't want to --

You don't want to --
for mother's day,

You don't even want to indulge
in the chocolate?

She has high blood sugar.
Are you kidding me?

[ laughter ]

No, this is -- this is --
just too stupid.

This is the --

This is too stupid.

"well, then, I obviously
have to sweeten the deal."

And reveal what you have
in your briefcase.

Look, if this isn't
enough for you,

Might I sweeten the deal?

Murr: [ laughing ]
what's in there?

♪♪

[ laughter ]

It's filled with
birdseed!

This is all yours.

You want my john hancock
on there?

Yes, please.

[ laughter ]
appreciate that.

I see the bird feed
did the trick.

[ ding! ]
there you go.

-Thank you.
-Wait, wait, wait.

Q: He signed it
"john hancock."

[ laughter ]
wow!

My name is james murray.

I am the lawyer here
at the focus group.
Okay.

We legally have to take you
through a few of the things.
Okay.

-Okay.
-Here we go.

You agree to participate
in the focus group today.

So, "participant agrees

That the federal bureau
of investigation, fbi,

May adapt participant's
name and likeness

To portray a fictional
terrorism suspect

For internal training
purposes only."

[ laughter ]

Just sign next to that one
so I know that that is okay.

[ ding! ]
this initial next to
that one.

Wow! He's got one.

Great. Moving ahead.

Okay, "I acknowledge
that I am not,

Nor have I ever been,

Musical artist
sarah mclachlan."

[ laughter ]

I don't even know
who that is.

So then it's totally fine.
Yeah.

Just sign right there.
[ ding! ]

That is two!
Two, murray.
Good job.

"I heretofore agree

To be called 'moist richard'
for the remainder of the day."

[ laughter ]

What that means...

-Moist richard.
-...Moist richard...

[ laughter ]
yeah.

...Is we like to keep

Your identity anonymous
to the clients.

Oh, good spin!

If they were to ask you,
"what is your name?"

You would say...

Moist richard.

"moist richard"
is what you would say, right.

Great. So just sign
next to that, too.

Oh, you have to initial "m.R."
for "moist richard."

[ ding! ]

Now, number 12 -- this is
really important, okay?

"in the event that I,
the undersigned, moist richard,

Move to beaver dam city,
wisconsin,

At any point in perpetuity,

I forfeit
my rights to payment."

I don't know. All of this
seems a little bit strange.

Oh, really? Most of them
are very standard, I would say.

[ laughter ]

I want you to be comfortable,
moist richard.

[ laughter ]

You know, we'll strike
the beaver dam one.

[ ding! ]

Jennifer?
Yes.

Hey, how are you?
Hello.

My name is danny passman.

Danny passman. Ah!

Ah! We know danny.

Our dear friend
and our lawyer.

I am an attorney,
and I'm here for you.

We got to
go over the contract.

Okay.
Okay.

He's doing good.

I'm a little embarrassed
to read it over with you

Because it's so standard.

-Here he goes.
-Here he goes.

Uh-oh.
You have to read.

[ laughter ]

Okay, all right.
So, it's just, partici--

"participant acknowledges
that participation

In this focus group
is voluntary service."

It sounds like
all of q's teeth are loose.

"in the event of --
in the event of

A donkey boy vs. The
state of connecticut situation,

I knowingly waive
my right to free speech."

[ laughter ]

What is donkey boy?

He works for
the company here,

And he's in a little bit
of an issue with connecticut.

So that's not a problem.

-Yeah!
-He got one.

[ ding! ]

Okay, "while partaking in this
international focus group,

I understand
that I am technically

No longer under u.S. Law."

That's just the...

"the u.S. Has
no jurisdiction here."

So, yeah,
the u.S. Doesn't really --

[laughing] doesn't really have
jurisdiction here.

I don't understand.
Why would that be in there?

No, no, it's only
for the focus group.

The data from the focus group
could be used internationally.

I could cross that out.
That's no problem.

I'm here for you.
I'm danny passman.

This is all
very standard stuff.

All right, let's go
through the whole thing

Before I initial
anything else.
Okay, okay.

-Oh!
-Oh, she didn't sign that one.

Number seven --
"if by chance I perish here,

I agree to donate my corpse

To premium focus groups,
incorporated llc."

That's just a --

[laughing]
it's pretty standard.

If you die here...

[ laughter ]

If she dies
in a focus group.

Family doesn't
get your body.

Why would something like that
even be in a contract?

Because we do different focus
groups for different reasons.

[ laughter ]

Yeah, but why would my corpse
have anything to do with that?

"your corpse is yours."

Yeah, your corpse is yours.
What's the rest of it?

That's it.
I don't even think we should
be discussing anything

About a corpse.

[ laughing ] let's just
cross that one right out.

You're right.
Murr: That was a reach.

Okay, this is a standard --
very standard.

"in terms of business,

I will not touch
anyone's eyes."

I can't imagine...

[ laughter ]

I can't imagine that you have
a problem with that one.

You don't intend to be touching
anybody's eyeballs in this?

Some of this is the craziest
stuff I've ever heard.

I agree. And that's why --
that's law for you.

[ laughing ]
you are getting destroyed.

"court of body
competent juris..."

[ mumbles gibberish ]

You can't read that to me
like that.

[ laughter ]

Yeah,
you're absolutely right.

[ laughing ] you're absolutely
right about that.

This is just saying that
we can't change this contract

Without you knowing.

It doesn't sound
legitimate to me.

It doesn't --
it sounds very strange.

-Oh!
-Oh!

One!

All right, well,
thank you very much.

Good luck in the thing.

[ laughter ]

Murr: He slowly slinks
out of the room.

All right, here we go.

Hello. Uh, mario?
Yeah.

Yes. Hi.
Nice to meet you.

Q: Look at the back
of joe's shirt.

[ laughter ]

Joe had to cut his shirt open
'cause he's too fat to fit it.

-Nice to see you today.
-All right.

"the participant acknowledges
that the participation

In the focus group's voluntary,"
meaning you do it on your own.

Nobody's forcing you to.

"participant states
that the participant

Will smile with teeth
and express enjoyment

In a genuine
and realistic manner

When the focus-group leader,
the fgl,

Articulates intent
to create joy."

[ laughter ]

So that just means you're gonna
be pleasant in the room

And do your best to be --
okay.

You just initial next
to that one for me.

But you've done these before,
you said.
Yep.

All right.
That was pretty easy.

This one here --

"I hereby consent to
twice-monthly house calls

From premium focus groups,
incorporated, representatives.

Routine stool samples
may be requested."

[ laughter ]

Murr: That's it!

"I hereby consent to
twice-monthly house calls.

Routine stool samples
may be requested."

[ laughter ]

What? Routine stool?

If you're doing
a food or drink sample,

For sure, they may ask for
a routine stool sample

To see things, but --
okay, I didn't know.

Yeah, just...

Murr: Wow!
He did the double tap.

I didn't think he was gonna
agree to shit on command.

Number seven
is a good one here.

"I agree not to sue
this company for,

At minimum, 24 hours
after this meeting."

You'll sleep on it.

I'll sleep on whether I want
to begin formal litigation

Against this company.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

I'm not gonna
sue you that, man.

You're not gonna sue --
right, you wouldn't.

[ ding! ]
are they gonna
punch me or something?

No, no, no, no, no.
Are they gonna poison me?

No, poison's definitely
not it.

[ laughter ]

Number 12 -- "I understand
that payments made to me today

Will be off the books

And my presence here
will have no standing record

And hereby referred to as
'caziche under the table.'"

[ laughter ]

So that's just basically saying
that we're gonna be able

To break you off a piece
without having to report it.

Cool, cool, yeah.

[ laughter ]

Prince herb:
I like the tap.

He goes, "we're gonna
break you off a piece

Without having to record."
he's like, "okay."

[ ding! ]

Oh, that's a cake walk!

I don't think I've ever
gotten my ass kicked

As hard as I did today.

-All right, that's everything.
-Perfect sweep.

Narrator:
Q's contract got shredded,

So he's first up
on the loser board.

Today we're at the cafe
at art factory,

And we've stumbled across
something very personal --

Our daughters' diaries.

Ah! While chatting
with a stranger,

We've got to get them
to agree

It's okay to read
three diary entries.

The catch is that
these weird entries

Have been written by
the other guys.

Q: Ooh!
To read or not to read?

If you can't get through
three complete diary entries,

You lose.

Secrets.

[ whispering ]
secrets.

Q: Prince herb,
is your daughter's name

"princess herb"?

[ laughter ]

Joe: Here we go.

[ gasps softly ]

Can I run something
by you?

Me and my daughter --
we got matching backpacks.

I threw my thing
in her bag today,

And it has
her journal in it.

And I am like,
do I look at?

Um...

-She gave him the go-ahead.
-Yeah!

I can't be anything
that crazy.

It can't be, right?

Yeah, that's what you think,
lady!

Hmm.

"dear diary, father sleeps
with his eyes wide open."

[ laughter ]

"it spooks me
and my sister.

I stuck a thumbtack in him,

And he didn't even flinch.

Sister stuck with
a sewing needle --

Nothing.

But when we walked away,
I swear I heard him mutter,

'thank you.'"

[ laughter ]

I gotta -- after that,
I gotta read more.

There's a lot more left?

Murr:
Turn to page seven.

"dear diary,
I gotta spill some tea.

My dad is sus.

My mom is lit.

I hate to be savage,
but dead-ass,

I have to shade my dad
or low-key

He will cringe me to death."

What the [bleep]
does this mean?

[ laughter ]

What the [bleep]
does any of this mean?

Can you break this down
with me?

"my dad is sus."

Suspect.

"I have to shade my dad"?

"low-key."
insulting?

So, ultimately, this passage
is not good for me.

[ laughter ]

What do you think?
One more.

It's -- you already read.

I've already opened it.
Okay.
Exactly.

Q: Page eight. We want to see
what's going on with eight.

"dear diary,

Father made me fire
the williams today.

Williams was
an obedient servant,

But father says
it is time for me

To grow
my serpent's teeth."

[ laughter ]

"I wept when williams
fell prostrate..."

[ laughter ]

"...Prostrate on the ground
and begged for his job.

So father made me stand
among the hickory switches

Until I felt nothing again."

[ laughter ]

[ chuckles ]
this is -- whoo.

She's got my mind on her.
Sounds very advanced.

"thank you for telling me
to read it."

Thanks a lot for
convincing me to read it.

You know...

[ laughter ]

She shouldn't be going to
the hickory switches.

[ laughter ]

Joe:
Prince herb pulls it off.

Uh-oh.

[ laughter ]

I -- I accidentally took
my daughter's backpack

Instead of my own.
That sucks.

Shoot. It's her diary.

Do I -- I gotta
read something, right?

Yeah, if you want to
find something out,

Go ahead.

[ laughter ]

Prince herb:
He has zero hesitation.

Joe: Murr, go to
page five buddy.

Here we go.
"dear diary,

Dad broke his wrist trying
to push a pull door today.

I saw him winding up to push it
and I yelled, 'it's a pull!'

And then he said,
'okay, four eyes.'"

[ laughter ]

"then he sped up
to burst through

But smashed into the door
and writhed in pain.

Now he's suing
my school again. Fml."

[ ding! ]

Wow.

I mean, is this wrong
that I'm doing it as a father?

I'm not a parent, man.
I don't know.

-Let's read one more.
-Go ahead.

Okay, "dear diary,

Every day my dad picks up
a photo of grandma

And kisses it,

But she's, like,
still alive."

[ ding! ]

[ laughter ]

Let him sit! Let him sit!
Keep making that face!

[ laughter ]

Hey, man,
do what you gotta do.

Yeah, yeah, that, that.

I gotta read one more,
right?

Go ahead.

All right. Let's see.

"dear diary, I know daddy
was in my room again

Because the barbies
were wrestling."

[ laughter ]

"dear diary, I know daddy
was in my room again

Because the barbies
were wrestling."

[ laughter ]

"they were all upside down
on top of each other,

Head-to-toe."

Quite the hobby, man.

"stewardess barbie
was missing,

So I went to check
his shower,

And, sure enough,
there she was.

I need a lock, diary."
[ ding! ]

Yeah, she definitely does.

[ laughter ]

Makes the grandma one
look pretty tame, huh?

[ laughter ]

Narrator:
No page was left unturned,

Making q tonight's big loser.

-Okay!
-Q has lost.

And, q, you are big in
the podcast world, right?

Oh, huge, huge!

Yeah, so for your punishment,
we're just gonna have you

Go into this waiting room,
grab a random stranger,

Invite them to be a guest
on your podcast.

What's the podcast about?

It doesn't matter at all.

It's just gonna get
really awkward real quick

In this little room.

That's it.
I got it!

My guest didn't show up.

For the podcast.

-Oh, no, again.
-Oh, the guest didn't show up.

-It's okay. I'll do it.
-You'll do it?

She'll do it.
Take her. Take her.

Come on in.
What is your name?

-Dalia.
-Dalia.

He's recruited this woman
from a focus group

To be part of his podcast.

Prince herb: Now, we've set up
this entire podcast,

All of it segments.

And, of course,
we are controlling

All the sound effects
you'll be hearing from here.

Yeah, that's good. Oh, the mic's
picking you up, actually.

It's great.
It is?

Play your theme song.

I'm gonna do the theme song.
Okay.

I want to watch
the world burn.

[ mellow instrumental music
playing ]

Do you want to rock out
to some smash mouth?

Man: You're listening to
"chatty with fatty."

Yeah! You're fatty.
You're fatty.
You're fatty.

Well, welcome to
"chatty with fatty."

I'm fatty.
That's me.

I normally sit down
with celebrities, politicians,

And other people of note,
and, unfortunately,

Former state senator
teddy mcgovern

Wasn't able to make it
today.

Teddy. Theodore.

So I went out to the lobby
and grabbed this person,

And now you're our guest.

Let's get to it.
Please introduce yourself.

My name is dalia.

[ buzzer ]
man: You're wrong, bitch.

Woman: Oh, hell no.
Hey! What is that?

[ laughter ]

Trying to get these buttons
together, I guess.

Man: Hee-haw!

[ laughter ]

[ air horn blows ]

[ air horn blows ]

[ laughter ]

Murr: "let me just jump into
part one here."

So, my first segment here
is called "apologies."
mm-hmm.

"as per the terms of last week's
out-of-court settlement,

I apologize sincerely
to miss celine dion."

[ laughter ]

"what I did was juvenile
and hurtful,

But I still think
I should be commended

For finding
your home address."

[ laughter ]

All right, fatty, why don't
we take some callers now?

Hey, do you want
to take some callers?

Oh, sure.

We've lined up some callers,
of course.

These aren't real people.
They're friends of ours.

Let's go to
our first caller.

Hello.
You're on "chatty with fatty"

With brian and dalia.

Man: Yeah. I don't care about
any of this nonsense

You're talking about.

I want to know, where the hell
is the t-shirt I ordered?

This sounds like
brian johnson.

Is this brian johnson?

It is not.
It is not.

[ laughter ]

When did you order
this shirt?

Six months ago.

Ooh.

Remember you said
it was for charity?

Yeah, well, I looked it up,
and there's no such thing

As a make the wish foundation.

[ laughter ]

That's terrible.

Man #2: Hee-haw!

That's you, sir.
Uh-oh.

But he wants his shirt.
Get him his shirt.

-Yeah!
-Yeah!

Okay, next caller,
next caller.

You are excellent at this.

I'm playing
devil's advocate here.

Hey, fatty,
it's ashley from brooklyn.

Hey, ashley,
how you doing today?

So, my son listens
to your podcast,

And he started calling me
a "whiny millennial mom

Who subsists off the gen-x
and boomer teat."

And that's all language
that he's learned from you.

[ buzzer ]
man: You're wrong, bitch.

Ashley: Yeah, yeah, it's
language like that exactly.

Well, you need to sit down
and just ask him,

Why is he speaking to you
in those terms?

That's right.
So I would...

Murr: Q, it seems like
you're getting off easy

In this push, man.

The question really is,
though,

What's happening
outside the room?

[ bang ]

[ laughter ]

Yes!

Murr: Q, it seems like
you're getting off easy

In this push, man.

The question really is,
though,

What's happening
outside the room?

[ bang ]

[ laughter ]

Yes, it was cool that we got you
in a room for an hour.

Exactly the time
we would have needed

For you not to be
in your house.

[ laughter ]

Q, you can sign off
whenever you want

So you can find out what
the real punishment was, buddy.

That's great.
Thank you for listening

For "chatty with fatty"
and dalia.

Murr: "and if I thought
this was the punishment..."

And if I thought
this was the punishment...

[ buzzer ]
man: You're wrong, bitch.

[ laughter ]

Hey, everybody,
and welcome to my home

And hours of searching
to see what they did to me

While I was in the radio show.

Went to change into something
more comfortable.

"your clothes
have all been donated

In the name of joe,
sal, and murr.

And no tax break for you."

All my clothes given.

They left me the skele-toes.

[ cat meows ]

Benjamin, did you know
about this?

[ laughs ] did you? Mm.

Did you let them in?

Did you let them in?

Oh, you're the one that let them
in and let them do this?

[ cat meows ]

Quiet, chessie.

[ sighs ]

Friends and cats, man --
mixed blessing.