Original subtitles

Narrator: Coming up, why is q acting like a jackass?

Heehaw! Right?

What's got murr cutting loose?

Just two bros brooding. Right?

And which losing joker will have to charm his way

Out of tonight's punishment?

[ laughter ]

Sal: Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ laughter ]

Murr: Like a boss!

[ laughter ]

Sal: I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ laughter ]

Sal: Oh, damn, they coming out now!

Today, we're playing c.E.O.S

With the biggest pitch meeting of our life

With overseas investors,

Who -- uh-oh -- arrived a day early.

That's right. We've been caught "unprepared."

And now we're gonna have to convince a random temp worker

To join our meeting posing as our senior vice president.

The catch is the temp worker

Doesn't know a darn thing about our company.

They'll have to riff every answer believably

Or risk losing us the big deal.

At the end of the meeting,

The investors will invite them to dinner.

After all of this,

If they don't agree to go to dinner, you lose.

Wait. So the meeting has nothing to do with...

Pretty much.

No, they got to make it to the end of the meeting.

♪♪

Oh, hi. Hey, how are you doing?

How are you? Cam, james murray.

I'm the head here. How are you? I'm alright.

Little does cam know, he's about to be, uh, promoted.

It's so exciting. I mean, our company started so small.

Alright. So cole's gonna come in right now

And tell murr that our overseas investors

Have came in early. Oh, catastrophe.

Sorry, we have, like,

A little problem. What's up?

Um, our investors are here.

They're supposed to come in tomorrow.

"no, no."

No, no. How -- how did you get the dates --

I don't get it.

"we are the second largest

Shoelace manufacturer in the northeast."

We are the second largest shoelace manufacturers

In the northeast.

Go, go, go. Don't keep them waiting.

Cam, right? What was your name, cam?

Congrats. You are the new svp.

Take this off?

Take it off right now. I'm gonna -- you know,

We have jackets in the back. Let me grab a couple jackets.

Wow. He is in! He's in!

The svp's name is branford jimenez.

Branford. Branford.

This is amazing.

Welcome. Welcome to the mandu group.

Welcome. Welcome.

So the investors are actors. They're in on it.

We are very excited to meet you.

So are we. So are we.

[ laughter ]

Our company, as you know, is the...

Large-- second largest...

Second largest... ...Shoelace company.

...Shoelace company. We do...

Two.

Our customer is always first here.

We've been saying that for many, many years now.

No customers, no shoes, no laces.

That's right.

[ laughter ]

So in that case, how do you feel about velcro?

Velcro? Velcro?

Oh, I think branford's got the answer to this, murr.

Yeah. Velcro is --

It's easy, but then it's too bulky.

[ investors conversing in japanese ]

Velcro shoes are big.

Q: Look at murray!

[ laughter ]

What drew you to us as investors?

What drew us to you as investors?

Well, we've been looking for something,

Someone outside of our scope.

Branford.

Taking it to number one.

I love cam.

So can we count on your investment dollars?

Um, yes, yes.

Thank you, thank you.

Oh, uh, would you like to join us for the dinner tonight?

Q: Here we go, murr.

Uh, okay.

Yes, we'd love to.

God!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[ ding! ]

Murr: Alright, here's joe gatto.

Hi, how are you? Joe: Well, great. Hi.

I'm just helping out. I'm beth.

Hi, I'm joe. Nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you as well. -Yeah. We're excited.

You know, we've been working hard for a long time.

What kind of business is it?

Murr: "we manufacture and distribute pet toys..."

We manufacture and distribute pet toys...

"...Made out of recycled plastics, natural woods..."

...Made out of recycled plastics, natural woods...

"...And fortified carcasses."

...And, uh, fortified carcasses.

-Nice. -Yeah.

Real quick. Sorry. Give me one second, beth.

So our investors are actually here.

What's that now?

The investors.

They're supposed to be here tomorrow.

They're expecting a meeting with me

And the senior vice president.

I'll try to stall a little bit, but I...

Beth, do you think you could help me out real quick?

Yeah, what do you need?

Do you want me to move all this stuff?

No, I want you to pretend to be my svp.

Oh. Hi, okay. That's it.

[ laughter ]

Our svp's name is jamila.

Oh, jamila? She goes by jam.

Okay.

Murr: Oh, joey, here they come.

Make sure you bow.

Hi, I'm joe. This is jam.

-Hello. -Nice to meet you.

Yes, please. Please.

So, jam, we heard so much about you.

Did you? All good, I hope.

"how is the family?"

How is the family?

Oh, they're excellent. Thank you so much.

"how is young topher?"

And how is young topher?

Oh, topher. Your son topher.

Yeah, no, everything's fine.

He's doing really well.

We're getting him in different programs

And everything's going really well for him.

You know, our company manufactures pet toys

Made out of, you know, recycled plastics

And, uh...

Fortified carcasses. Fortified carcasses.

She remembered what it was!

Where do you source the carcass from

For the toys?

The -- the all-natural carcasses?

That's his job.

Ah, yes.

Oh, my god! [ speaks indistinctly ]

We'll also get some bigger roadkill items

From the midwest.

Yes. Okay, moving on.

But also, like I said -- I'm sorry to interrupt.

No, no, go. Please take it, jam.

She's -- she's -- she's -- she's --

She's not even waiting for him to prompt.

She's taking the bull by the horns.

[ investors conversing in japanese ]

Sion, be like, "are you two okay

Working together since the divorce?"

Will it be okay working together since the divorce?

Me and him divorced?

Yeah. Yeah, everything's fine.

[ laughter ]

Personal is personal. Business is business.

She's covering for their fake marriage.

And like I said, we're still family,

We'll always be family. That's besides the point.

[ conversing in japanese ]

Yeah, we invest.

Oh, you'll invest?

Oh, okay, great.

Ask about the dinner. It's not over yet.

Do you guys mind joining us for dinner?

Unfortunately, I cannot tonight

Because I have to go pick up my child.

-Oh! -Oh!

What an upset! What an upset! After all that.

Yes!

We no longer interested in investment.

Okay, then I'll go to dinner, I'll make...

[ jokers cheering ]

Oh, my god!

[ laughing and cheering ]

So that's how you do it.

[ ding! ]

Prince. Mo.

Oh, pleasure. Nice to meet you.

Everybody's so nice immediately.

Yeah, we're transitioning in.

What type of company is it?

"we're a leading distributor of hard-shell pencil cases

South of canada."

We're the leading distributor

Of hard-shell pencil cases south of canada.

Got it, got it, got it.

Mo: Yeah.

Prince.

The investors are here.

Tomorrow, yes. No, no.

They're here now.

My senior vice president is not here.

I can't pitch to them now.

I apologize, but I don't know what to tell you.

This is happening.

Oh, god.

Mo, did you happen to catch that?

Huh? Yeah.

Would you mind just taking the role of svp for a few minutes?

I'll talk to them through this presentation

Just so they think we're here.

I'll do all the heavy lifting.

I'm in sales, so I could do...

Oh, come on!

My svp's name is francois.

Yeah, francois. Francois.

Q: Here they are. They just came in.

He's in! He's in!

-Francois, yeah. -Hi.

Sal: Thank you. Thank you very much.

Yeah. Please. We'll all have a seat.

Murr: This kind of meeting

Can make or break a company like this.

Obviously, you are here

Because we have the best hard-shell pencil cases

South of canada.

Why not soft shell?

Well, soft shell, it's soft enough where the pencil is --

Is liable to break.

Wow!

Oh, my god, this guy.

What's the single word you use

To describe your company?

What is a single word that we would use

To describe our company? -Right.

We...

What's the single word you use

To describe your company?

What is a single word that we would use

To describe our company? -Correct.

Traction.

Traction is what it is.

Traction is always on our mind.

Kaiser, ask him, "francois, I almost forgot."

Oh, francois, I almost forgot.

"what was it like climbing mount everest?"

What was it like to climb mt. Everest?

Oh, because your bio on the website.

Yes. Yes. Right.

Painful.

[ laughter ]

Yes, yes, painful.

Something I wouldn't do again.

[ laughter ]

Alright. Let's see if he wants to go out to dinner.

Uh, one more question.

Do you want to share dinner with us tonight?

Well, um...

Uh...

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

[ all cheering ]

Thank you guys. Thank you so much.

Alright. Alright.

They bought that.

[ ding! ]

Murr: Nicely done.

Alright, q.

Q: Oh. Oh, hey. Hey. How's it going?

I didn't know anybody was in here.

What is your name?

Owen. Owen, I'm brian.

Brian. How are you?

Nice to meet you, owen. Nice to meet you.

You know what we do? You ever hear of us?

No, I never hear -- what?

Donkey dance margarita blenders.

We are donkey dance margarita blenders.

Have you ever heard of it? No.

They're like party margarita blenders. It's great.

Hey, brian. Sorry to break up the party.

Hey, cole. What's going on, bud?

So the investors we're meeting are here.

What are you talking about? They're here tomorrow.

The svp is supposed to be -- I can't give this by myself.

Cole: Alright. Alright.

I will go buy some time.

-Buy time. -We'll figure it out.

Oh. Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh, god.

Owen. Owen, you're my svp.

You're my svp. Can you be an svp?

No, I can't.

What are you talking about?!

All you got to do is sit there

And just pretend to be my svp.

-Okay. -Yeah!

Let's get this...

My svp's name...

"is walt flanagan."

It's, uh, walter flanagan. That's your name.

Walter flanagan.

Okay, let's send in the investors.

Welcome. This is walter. I'm brian.

How are you? -Oh, walter.

Yes, yes. Please have a seat.

I'm so excited you guys were able to make it.

"why should we invest in your company?"

Walter, why should we invest in your company?

Well, um, everybody loves margaritas.

[ laughter ]

He's in! He's made the turn!

Put that [bleep] on a t-shirt!

What are your long-term staffing needs?

-Walt. -Walt.

Walter, if you don't mind.

Um... Did we talk about that?

We did. It was the...

-Don't you dare! -Don't you dare!

Two people. We need two people.

-Two people? -Yeah.

Two people. Two.

Two more people on top of the company.

That'll make a thousand and two people.

Angry sidebar.

[ slaps table ]

[ conversing in japanese ]

[ laughter ]

I think it's going well.

Tell us a little about the donkey.

Yes. Why a donkey?

Well, the donkey...

[ laughter ]

Well, the donkey...

He's a party guy,

And whenever you get drunk, you get like a donkey.

Sal: That's it! That's it!

Kaiser, just go, "heehaw, heehaw."

Heehaw!

[ laughter ]

All of you.

All of you go, "heehaw." everybody.

-Heehaw! -Heehaw!

Right? Dup-dup-dup-dup-dup.

-Heehaw! -Heehaw!

Yes, yeah, we invest. Yes, okay.

You're gonna invest?!

[ laughter ]

Uh, can you two join us for dinner tonight?

Uh...

You hungry? Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah.

Yeah? I'll back you up.

He'll back me up.

Oh, my god!

Thank you.

Wow. Heehaw.

-Heehaw. -Heehaw.

[ ding! ]

Narrator: No imposter syndrome here.

All the guys are safe from the loser board.

What's up, y'alls?

Today we're working on our dating profile.

The catch is,

The profiles have been written by the other guys.

We're gonna have to run our ridiculous

Dating profiles by the stranger

And then ask them to rate the profile

On a scale from 1 to 10.

The joker with the lowest score loses.

My wife, bessy, loves when we play this game.

Mine doesn't.

♪♪

Hi. How are you?

Sal: Here's murray's cupid.

You done these before?

No, actually. First time.

Oh, really? What's your name? Justin.

James. Nice to meet you, buddy. Nice to meet you.

I-I just had a disastrous breakup.

Uh, yeah, me too. You too?

"me too"?

Have you ever done this, like, online-dating thing?

Actually, I've never done that. Really?

Do you mind if I show you my profile? Yeah, sure.

I've never filled one of these out before.

Oh, shoot. They have an apple tv.

I can cast right to the thing. That's great.

So it's me. I'm magiclover76.

Magiclover76.

I love magic, and I was born in 1976.

Really? Yeah.

Then I wrote, "I apologize in advance

That you found yourself here."

That's a nice one.

"here's why I'm ready for a relationship."

[ laughter ]

So it's me. I'm magiclover76.

Then I wrote, "here's why I'm ready for a relationship."

"I'm desperate for a second source of income

Because I purchased a home I'm not able to afford.

Please be ready to move in a.S.A.P."

I'm in way over my head.

Yeah. I've actually never experienced that before.

Yeah. Wait till you see this next answer.

[ laughter ]

So "people who know me say

I'm distracting like a wind turbine

And equally bad for birds."

Birds. Wow.

Like, I'm...You know?

Yeah, I know, like, you're pretty energetic.

Yeah. Distracting.

I would add some things. Add some things?

Yeah, like, kind of like the brooding type of person.

Oh. So add some depth to it.

Yeah. Like, I mean, like, I have a serious side,

But I also have this joking side

So you can be serious with me.

Move your shoulders like him. Move your shoulders like him.

I can make you laugh. Yeah, like...

Yeah.

Like that.

Like a little... Yeah.

Bouncing up and down.

Just two bros brooding. Right?

This kid's really cool, man.

Let's see.

"my perfect partner is playful,

Good with the kids,

Healthy coat, and can smell cancer."

[ laughter ]

You're essentially saying, "I want to date a dog."

[ laughter ]

Q: His shirt's awesome. "trust me, I'm a pro."

His demeanor is such as well. He's the best.

So "my favorite memory from my childhood

Is the french nanny with the incredible bod

That used to babysit me.

He taught me how to be a man."

"he taught --" wow.

Great guy. Wow.

Yeah. I mean, hey, he had a great body.

[ laughter ]

On a scale of 1 to 10, how dateable am I?

You want me to be honest?

I want you to be dead honest.

If I was a female, hypothetically,

And I saw this profile... Yes.

...I would think you are psycho crazy.

[ laughter ]

"so a 1?"

1 to 10, you would say a...

A negative 10.

You can't beat a negative 10,

So I guess we don't even have to go.

Right, murr? No, definitely not.

Alright.

Love this kid.

And that's a wrap on this challenge.

[ buzzer ]

Narrator: Murr couldn't make the magic happen,

So he's tonight's big loser.

[ all cheer ]

Murray's our big loser today.

Hey, murr, what were you doing on April 30, 2013?

I have no idea.

I will tell you what you were doing.

We were filming at a music store,

Playing music-instrument salesmen.

I remember.

Remember what I bought you that year?

You bought me a flute.

You remember the promise you made me?

That I'd be able to play the flute.

Can you play the flute?

Ehh...

All you got to do, murr, is play the flute.

Alright.

So just head down that hallway and play the flute.

I feel like there's a catch!

[ laughter ]

[ murr chuckling nervously ]

Sal: Alright, murr. Welcome to flute hallway.

Follow the torch-lit hallway.

[ laughter ]

Oh, yeah.

Murr: I don't like this.

Joe: You're gonna go all the way down the hallway,

Then it's gonna lead you to a door.

[ murr grunts ]

[ door opening ]

Joe: Here we go.

Murr: Okay, there's the flute.

Oh, what's -- what's next to the flute?

Murr: Okay, there's my indiana jones hat.

Gentlemen, what does the hat have to do with the flute?

Well, put the hat on, and you will see what happens.

♪♪

There he is, murray-anda jones.

I see what you've done, gentlemen.

Alright, so don't forget.

Right there, your weapon of choice, right?

Yeah.

-You're gonna need that. -Yes, okay.

[ jokers murmuring, laughing ]

-So cool. -Oh.

Joe: Maybe you should go sit in front of the basket.

You're fine, everything's fine.

Everything's fine, everything's fine.

There you go, buddy.

What's in there?

Well, you could take a look.

♪♪

[ laughter ]

Very funny. Very funny.

The reason you have the flute is you cannot leave the pit

Until you play the song correctly.

You've got to make that thing dance.

[ humming snake charmer song ]

I don't know how to play.

You had eight years to practice.

[ blowing ]

Joe: Yeah! There you go.

[ notes playing ]

Oh, no, a little bit. There you go, murr.

I think you need a little motivation, buddy.

You heard me, right?

Yeah, I heard you, joe.

[ clang! ]

What the [bleep] oh, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Ohh!

Joe: I think you need a little motivation, buddy.

[ clang! ]

What the [bleep] oh, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Ohh!

[ all yelling ]

Sal: Start playing, murray!

Q: Play the flute!

[ notes playing ]

-Oh, my god! -Oh, my god!

-Look at this! -I'm nervous!

Oh, damn, oh, damn, they coming out now!

It's on my leg! It's on my leg! It's on my leg!

[ humming snake charmer song ]

[ notes playing ]

An instructional video would probably help you,

Right, murr? -Yeah.

Right under you, there's an ipad.

We're gonna be here for a while, gentlemen.

Hey and welcome to my tutorial.

[ laughter ]

So you purse your lips like this.

You might need to adjust your head a little bit...

[ notes playing ]

-Oh, my god. -Oh, my god!

Oh, my god.

It's right between my legs!

Aah! Oh!

Don't forget to like and subscribe.

[ laughter ]

Why did it have to be snakes, joe?

Let's clear out the snakes.

I think you need bigger motivation.

[bleep]

Murray, you better learn quick,

Because on its way in is our friend, 12-foot python.

Oh, no, no, no, no!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god.

Oh. Oh. Oh, no, no, no.

[ notes playing ]

The pitch is getting higher as the snakes get closer.

Oh, it's hissing. It's hissing.

Oh, my god, it's coming...

[ all talking at once ]

Oh, it's starting to loop around you, bud.

It's starting to go around you.

It's right behind me. It's hissing.

[ notes playing ]

He goes, "oh, my god, it's hissing!"

[ all imitating flute ]

[ notes playing ]

Murr, by the way,

You can just play the song that's loaded on the ipad.

[ grumbling ]

Son of a bitch.

I can't. It's right on me.

Joe: Just swipe right. It's the next song.

How do I swipe?

How do I swipe?

Look at the snake's head!

Oh, my god! Aah!

[ all screaming ]

-Play the flute. -Play the flute.

Oh, my god. [bleep]

-Play the flute! -Play the flute!

Q: Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Aah!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my goodness!

[ snake charmer song playing on ipad ]

Joe: There you go, murray. You did it!

[ laughter ]

You can go now.

I mean, let's be honest,

There's only one fitting ending to this.

Of course.

[ yelling ]

Indy!