Original subtitles

Narrator: Coming up, is murr getting

His "stars" crossed?

Live long, and may the force prosper.

[ laughter ]

What's got q feeling wretched?

We have a lab, and as soon

As you give us a puke sample,

You can get paid and leave.

[ laughter ]

And which losing joker will take a sad song

And not make it better in tonight's punishment?

[ laughter ]

Sal: Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ laughter ]

Murr: Like a boss!

[ laughter ]

Sal: I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ laughter ]

"why my shirt stink tho?"

♪♪

Today, we were competing head-to-head

As television executives pitching our new tv show ideas.

The goal is to convince a roomful of strangers

That your ideas are the best.

The catch is we don't know what we're pitching

Because our opponent wrote all the ideas.

At the end, they'll ask the group who had the best ideas.

If they don't choose you, you're canceled.

♪♪

-Hello. -Hi. Hello.

We work for a tv development company.

We have loglines of shows,

Which are just little summaries. -Alright.

Joe and q are pitching tv ideas

And they've written each other's,

So they haven't seen it until right now.

Okay, so this is called -- I'm very proud of this one.

This is called "soaking wet heaven," okay?

"even angels like to be bad.

Meet the sexy teenage angels that live in heaven

And love to have pool parties.

These parties come with lots of drama,

So hang on to your halo.

In the name of the father, the son,

And the holy shit." he did what?!

[ laughter, clapping ]

It sounds like a lot of eye candy.

-Exactly. -But I don't know

If there's a lot of depth.

None. There's no depth.

[ laughter ]

When you open your eyes at the pearly gates,

Do you want to see "ugh!"

Or do you want to see "yeah!"?

I wouldn't want to see what we've already seen.

I would want to see something different.

You've already seen everything that's on this earth.

It's very easy to create something

We've never seen or heard before.

I'll get right on it.

[ laughter ]

We got plenty of that for you.

Wait till you hear this idea.

Speaking of that, ready?

"quack addicts."

-Oh. -One doctor, seven ducks,

One wife, three kids, one referee,

10 pounds of highly addictive,

Opioid-infused birdseed.

60 minutes --

42 minutes with commercial breaks.

Six guns, one bullet. You do the math.

Hope you didn't clip your nails this weekend,

Because you're gonna be biting them.

-I'm curious. -Thank you.

[ laughter ]

"soaking wet heaven," with the sexy angels,

No good, but ducks...

"quack addicts." ...Addicted to opioids, with guns?

Never seen it. Never seen it.

-[ laughing, clapping ] -never seen it. Never heard it.

It's like you guys literally just said something

And my next idea was genius and filled that void.

[ laughter, clapping ]

Alright, alright, alright. Let me try something.

Go ahead, buddy. Get in there.

Here's something you haven't seen before.

"law & order: Suv."

[ laughter ]

-Right? -You unoriginal hack.

[ laughter ]

"law & order: Suv."

This police procedural and legal drama

Specializes in car crimes involving, specifically,

Suvs.

[ laughter ]

She's confounded.

I want to hear from our friend April. April.

Why?

[ laughter ]

A woman of such efficient words.

You've seen the "law & order" series,

The popular "law & order" series that's been on 20 seasons?

-Yeah. -This one is that with suvs.

Look at her face.

The sharks are circling, q.

Going off April's "why?" I'll tell you why,

And the show's called "dalmatian, under god."

"after accidentally drinking dog medicine,

A young vet tech realizes

That the dog she's about to deball

Is actually an angel with a message."

-Deball. -Deball.

[ laughs ] "'quit your job, buy a truck, drive.'

What follows is a story of love, redemption,

And hallucinations caused by the dog medicine."

[ laughter ]

She's going to deball the dog.

-Deball. -Going to castrate the dog,

But she realizes that she shouldn't

Because he is an angel, telling her

What she should be doing with her life.

Yeah, like "angels in the outfield."

Get to it, April. Get to it, April.

Cut to the chase, April.

April's -- she's processing.

[ laughter ]

Why?

"why?"

[ laughter ]

I think she gave us our new slogan for season 9 -- "why?"

[ laughter ] season 9 -- "why?"

-Ooh. -You think nine seasons is too many?

-Yeah. -I certainly do.

[ laughter, clapping ]

Alright, they're not all going to be winners.

-That's right. -This one is, though.

"what maketh a man?"

"the story of the first man

To have his consciousness uploaded into a robot body

And his legal battle

To get his human penis back."

[ laughter ]

April, "why?" April, just tell me, "why?"

No, I love the idea, at first, but why the penis?

Because that's all I care about!

Why not his brain or why not his heart

Or something of substance? But his penis?

[ chanting ] April! April! April!

I want to know what the hell happens to the penis.

-Right? -I mean, I want to know.

Well, if he's a robot, he doesn't need a penis.

I hear, but do we need art?

Sal: They're in a heated debate

About a human penis on an ai body.

He only cares about the testicles. Testicles.

The penis. Yeah.

-Dick pouch. -Dick pouch.

-Pair of eggs. -That pair of eggs.

The figs.

-The figs. -The figs.

Alright, nards. Well --

Uh, here we go. Twig and berries.

The next one here -- "why my shirt stink tho?"

Joan bridgewater is a real woman from chagrin falls, ohio,

Who our producers have targeted.

"real woman."

The psychological torturing of joan begins

After we sneak into her home,

Dosing her with a heavy amount of dolphin tranquilizer.

Then, we sneak into her clothing,

And make them smell like when they're not fully dry,

And it gets that mildew stank.

Watch what happens when joan asks everyone around her,

"why my shirt stink, though?"

[ laughter ]

Are you okay?

[ laughter ]

Wait. That's it? What's the draw?

Joan bridgewater doesn't know she's been dolph-tranqed.

She's a real woman who's been dolph-tranqed,

And her clothes have been made musty.

April is shaking her head.

Bored.

"bored"?

She's the king of one word.

Alright. Well, there we go.

We're just gonna ask you who you think you had

The better slate of developments.

I think joe's got it.

I think so, too.

So, if you think my ideas were better, please raise your hand.

Got one.

And then, for brian's ideas, raise your hand.

Sal: Whoa!

Oh!

Unbelievable!

Oh!

You've been de-balled, son!

I've been de-balled.

Substance over quantity.

He had a "law & order" series about suvs, April.

It's full mayhem. They're all arguing.

Honestly -- honestly, you know what?

His ideas are great because I wrote them all.

[ laughter ]

-Here we go. -My name is james murray.

I have worked as a head of tv development

For many, many years.

Prince herb is a bartender.

[ laughter ]

And we have a slate of programming...

Now, you don't know what the ideas are.

Yes. You wrote them for each other.

So, the first idea I will pitch to you guys, "kirk & darth."

Imagine, if you will, commander kirk from "star wars"

And darth vader from "star trek"

Have to work together to save their home --

Planet earth.

Darth vader wants to save planet earth?

Live long, and may the force prosper.

[ laughter ]

I love it.

I love it. -Oh, my gosh!

Q: Prince herb is blown away.

That is just an interesting combo, right there.

Yes. Commander kirk's lightsaber.

It's darth vader with the lightsaber.

Yeah, I think you mixed up two of the most famous

Franchises of all time.

No. No.

Captain kirk from "star wars"

And darth vader from "star trek."

But it's like a mashup kind of thing.

Oh, she gave it to you, murr. It's a mashup.

What we've done is we've mashed them up.

Yeah.

[ laughter ]

Let's get to your next one, prince herb.

"the 69th amendment."

It's the year 2100,

And america is finally having a little fun again.

Congress just raised the minimum wage to $420 an hour,

And now, it's up to president hot dog emoji

To announce the 69th amendment while surfing off idaho's coast,

Because of the... Global warming.

Will he make it mandatory to wear rollerblades on sundays

During the six month of christmas

Or fix gerrymandering?

[ laughter ]

So, thoughts on that?

It's out there.

It is.

[ laughter ]

Is it, like, a comedy,

And then, it's like, also a social awareness thing

At the very end of an episode?

Sure.

[ laughter ]

Do you want to take another stab?

The name of the show is "princeton,"

A tale of wealth, sex, and power struggles,

As a machiavellian fart-joke baron

Attempts to manipulate and blackmail his way

Into the elite ruling class.

It sounds familiar.

Joe: It's your life story, murr.

So, imagine a comedian moves to princeton,

But he's got a very low brow career, with low brow friends.

Whoa.

It's almost like a cinderella story.

What's the time line?

I moved there two years ago.

[ laughter ]

I'm feeling a thriller out of it.

Joe: She makes it a thriller. He's a fart baron.

Yeah, he's a fart-joke baron.

[ laughter ]

Alright. "gunner smallsack's liquid shockers."

Murray's title game is on point.

A woman buys a liter of cola.

She drinks one glass,

But more than a liter is missing from the bottle.

Where the heck did it go?

A recipe calls for one cup of grapeseed oil.

The man puts the grapeseed oil in the skillet,

But when he looks, there's no oil.

Where's the oil?

This anthology series, hosted by the diminutive,

But commanding, gunner smallsack,

Presents to you a collection of liquid shockers

Sure to leave you wet for more.

So, it's like a comedy prank show with...

Unexpected volumes of liquid?

[ laughter ]

You know what? Why don't I go next?

Q: Oh, murray's dominating him.

Prince herb, you're looking bad out there.

Q: Prince herb, you're looking bad out there.

Next one, "lady junior."

In the 1994 film "junior,"

Arnold schwarzenegger plays a man

Who gets pregnant with a child.

This series, set in the "junior" cinematic universe...

Prince herb fires back.

...Replaces arnold with gal gadot --

Wonder woman -- and asks the question,

"what if a woman could get knocked up, too?"

[ laughter ]

Right?

But women do get pregnant,

So what's the deal with the last line, there?

In that universe...

Both: Oh! [bleep]

Oh, so, in that universe, women don't get pregnant.

Yes. We're in the "junior" cinematic universe, here.

Come on.

I'm all for showing, like, the equality of, like,

The men, female aspects, and the social obligations.

Joe: Wow. They are all murray.

There's no way prince herb wins.

Prince herb's got no shot.

Yeah, I'm eating a big fat shit sandwich.

-Herb, you better bring it. -Yeah, come on, buddy.

I have faith in you. Sell it, man.

Get in there, man.

[ laughter ]

Rub your earrings for power.

Fight back, buddy. Fight back.

Get a load of this, "dr. Smarty pants."

In this high-stakes medical drama,

Dr. Eugene swope is turning to meat jelly on the way to work

After a misadventure with an errant bear.

[ laughter ]

Why are you guys laughing at my ideas?

His are just as bad.

This is a good idea.

Man [bleep] you guys.

[ laughter ]

That's a joke.

I don't know why I said that.

I'm getting loopy.

Man, I really talked myself into a hole.

Alright.

Should we just take the vote now?

[ laughter ]

I will spare you guys that voting,

And I will tell you that james will win this thing.

[ laughter ]

Narrator: Joe and prince herb couldn't get their pitches

Over the plate,

So they're first up on the loser board.

Alright. Today, we are competing head-to-head, tournament style,

Trying to get some volunteers for our focus group.

The catch is, we won't know the title of our absurd focus group

Until we read it for the first time.

The goal is to get as many attendees as possible

To join your groups.

Whoever convinces the most volunteers

To choose his ridiculous focus group wins.

Now, normally, we shoot these things

Before we do the bit.

We already did the bit, and are shooting this now,

And I'm telling you, the winner is bullshit.

Hi, guys. How are you?

Thank you for your patience.

Michael? Michael?

Alright, so, they're both pitching their focus groups

To michael first.

They're both terrible, by the way.

The point is, what's the lesser of the two evils?

What can we convince someone is the lesser of the two evils?

That's right. That's the whole thing.

The first focus group is, we get your clothes soaking wet

And see how long it takes them to dry with no help.

Or...

We have a lab.

And as soon as you give us a puke sample,

You can get paid and leave.

[ joe laughs ]

Michael, right?

So, you get it. They're pretty self-explanatory.

Do you want to get your clothes soaking wet,

And we see how long it takes to dry.

That's gonna take hours.

I can get you out of here in five minutes.

It's unproven how long it'll take.

We don't actually know.

Well, it's just -- it's just, he gives us a puke sample,

He gets paid and leaves.

Oh, nice rebuttal.

What happens if I dry heave?

No, we just got to get a little puke out.

We've got to get some stomach stuff out of it.

Alright. We might get something out.

Oh! Q wins it!

Michael, would you come with me, please?

Mike is choosing to puke.

What did you have for lunch today?

-Cereal. -You ate cereal.

Perfect.

Alright. So, now, me and you. Me and you.

You ready?

Okay, let's do it.

Hi. How are you?

How's it going?

Michael. -He left.

-Michael. -Oh, he went?

Okay, so, next on the list is neveeda.

-Yes. -Alright. Great.

So, mine is a do-it-yourself acupuncture kit.

Or...

Any chance you are in the mood

To screw around with a new kind of tampon?

Joe: Alright. Great.

Mine is a do-it-yourself acupuncture kit.

Or...

Any chance you are in the mood

To screw around with a new kind of tampon?

[ laughter ]

Wait, what was yours?

Mine's the acupuncture kit.

And...

If you're willing to, like, just screws around with a new kind of tampon.

-Yours. -Okay.

Okay. Great.

Just screw around with a new tampon.

We'll be back for you guys.

Oh, my gosh.

Joe: Are you serious?

Are you kidding me?

[ indistinct talking ]

Come on, loser.

Okay. Michael?

Virgo. -Yes, that's me.

Would you like to do a six-hour, in-depth mosquito safety course

For citizens of northern rockland county?

Oh, my goodness. Okay.

The other one is monkey chef taste testers.

Made by ape, ate by human.

I will try that.

Yeah, let's go. We have some good ape chefs.

-Yeah. -Virgo.

Great. Come on, virgo. You're next.

It's just six hours.

Joe: Winner take all, bitches. Winner take all.

The three of us got to get up in here with her, and see what she thinks.

I lost, but two more of you are about to lose.

There can only be one winner.

Michael?

They're all gone. They're all gone.

Joe: No? Okay. I'm sorry. Who are you?

-Alia. -Alia.

Alia, this is -- so you're gonna have your choice of group.

Alright.

My first one is a meat packaging odor identification seminar,

Where you'll smell 15 packages of meats

On different levels of rottenness.

You smell a [bleep]load of meats.

So, you just smell a [bleep]load of meats.

Or you do...

Chocolate tasting.

Oh. Really?

May experience some mild neck thickening,

But chocolate tasting.

Is it real chocolate?

Oh, it's real chocolate, it's just, like, mild,

Mild neck thickening.

That make me a little nervous about the second option.

And then, or...

Bee aggression in freezing conditions.

What is that?

Aggression levels of bees in freezing cold environments.

Joe: So, you'd be in a freezing environment with bees...

With bees?

Yeah, but the whole thing is that, the colder it is,

The less aggressive the bees are.

In theory.

But they might actually bite you, right?

Well, it depends what you want.

You might get stung, you might have a thick neck,

Or you could smell some meats.

-What? -She's legit debating these.

...To an hour.

Was it cold or freezing? What did you say?

It's bee aggression in freezing conditions.

But you'll have a shawl in there, so...

I just wanted to do something...

Something really extravagant.

I would go with bees, but I'm a little concerned.

Murr: "I would go with bees."

Should I go for chocolate? I don't even know.

But the neck.

And then, the other one, don't forget the meat packaging.

For the meat, I was thinking, if it's not raw,

I would probably taste it and eat it.

I know. Unfortunately, you can only pick one.

You can't go to all three.

All: Yeah.

[ laughs ]

Let me go with bees. You'll go with bees?

She's going with the bees!

Oh, my god!

No, no, no, no, but it's only -- it's mild.

It's on the interior. You'll get stung.

Alright. Take it easy, guys.

Joe: Well, it's tampons and bees for the win.

Narrator: Joe, q, and murr got stung,

Making joe tonight's big loser.

All: Hey!

Joe's our big loser.

So, now, I have to head inside, and sing bette midler's

"wind beneath my wings" to the best of my ability

To thousands of fans streaming on the internet.

Showtime.

I mean, it doesn't get any easier.

We don't even speak now.

So, we're doing this today for charity,

On behalf of the mariano rivera foundation,

That helps children from impoverished families

With scholarships, vocational training,

Mentorship programs, and so on and so forth.

So, thank you guys who joined us,

And thank you guys who donated.

"wind beneath my wings" is a power ballad.

Probably one of the biggest power ballads of all time.

Also, a very hard song to sing.

It should not be tackled by someone of joe's talent.

-Alright, joe. -Oh, here he comes.

Thousands of people.

Here he goes. Here he goes.

-Oh, my god! -Oh, my god!

Q: Oh, here he comes.

Sal: Oh, my god!

Look at all these people.

Thousands of people.

[ laughter ]

[ "wind beneath my wings" plays ]

[ vocalizes off-key ]

[ laughter ]

It's worse than I thought it was gonna be.

♪ it must've been cold there in my shadow ♪

Q: Oh, my god.

He's really doing it, though.

♪ to never have sunlight or your face ♪

I love how close up we are.

♪ you were content to let me shine ♪

♪ that's your way ♪

♪ you always walked a step behind ♪

He looks like a human muppet, doesn't he?

♪ so I was the one with all the glory ♪

♪ while you were the one with all the strength ♪

Look at his [bleep] eyes.

♪ a beautiful face without a name for so long ♪

♪ a beautiful smile to hide the paaaain ♪

Oh, yeah, joey!

♪ did you ever know that you're my hero ♪

♪ and everything I would like to be? ♪

♪ and I could fly higher than an eagle ♪

♪ for you are the wind beneath my wings ♪

Look, the fun is starting to drain out of the zoom room.

Everybody in zoom is starting to realize

What they signed up for --

This horrible, terrible rendition.

♪ it might have appeared to go unnoticed ♪

♪ but I've got it all here in my heart ♪

♪ I want you to know I know the truth ♪

♪ of course I know it ♪

All: ♪ I would be nothing without yooouu ♪

♪ did you ever know that you're my hero? ♪

♪ you're everything I wished I could be ♪

Did anybody step on a cat?

♪ and I would fly higher than an eagle ♪

There's the lip sweat. There's the lip sweat.

Joe: ♪ if you are the wind beneath my wings ♪

♪ did I ever tell you you're my hero? ♪

He's getting a little too confident, now.

♪ you're everything, everything I wish I could be ♪

♪ oh, and I ♪

♪ I could fly higher than an eagllle ♪

He's gonna pass out.

♪ for you are the wind beneath my wings ♪

Dab that face.

♪ you are the wind beneath my wings ♪

♪ oh, you, you, you ♪

♪ the wind beneath my wings ♪

♪ flyyyy ♪

♪ flyyy♪

♪ so high against the sky ♪

♪ so high I almost touch the sky ♪

♪ thank you ♪

♪ thank you ♪

♪ thank god for you, the wind beneath my wings ♪

Wow. Wow.

Bravo. Bravo.

Excellent, joe. Excellent.

I appreciate all of you.

You all are wonderful people,

But thank god for you -- the three of you --

The wind beneath my wings.

Go eff you.

[ laughter ]

Good job, bud.

-Good job, joe. -Good job.