All language subtitles for Impractical.Jokers.S09E13.1080p.WEB.h264-BAE

Narrator: Coming up,
is murr getting

His "stars" crossed?

Live long, and may
the force prosper.

[ laughter ]

What's got q
feeling wretched?

We have a lab,
and as soon

As you give us
a puke sample,

You can get paid
and leave.

[ laughter ]

And which losing joker
will take a sad song

And not make it better
in tonight's punishment?

[ laughter ]

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ laughter ]

Murr: Like a boss!

[ laughter ]

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ laughter ]

"why my shirt stink tho?"

♪♪

Today, we were competing
head-to-head

As television executives
pitching our new tv show ideas.

The goal is to convince
a roomful of strangers

That your ideas
are the best.

The catch is we don't know
what we're pitching

Because our opponent
wrote all the ideas.

At the end, they'll ask the
group who had the best ideas.

If they don't choose you,
you're canceled.

♪♪

-Hello.
-Hi. Hello.

We work for a tv
development company.

We have loglines
of shows,

Which are just little summaries.
-Alright.

Joe and q
are pitching tv ideas

And they've written
each other's,

So they haven't seen it
until right now.

Okay, so this is called --
I'm very proud of this one.

This is called
"soaking wet heaven," okay?

"even angels like
to be bad.

Meet the sexy teenage angels
that live in heaven

And love to have
pool parties.

These parties come
with lots of drama,

So hang on to your halo.

In the name of the father,
the son,

And the holy shit."
he did what?!

[ laughter, clapping ]

It sounds like
a lot of eye candy.

-Exactly.
-But I don't know

If there's a lot of depth.

None.
There's no depth.

[ laughter ]

When you open your eyes
at the pearly gates,

Do you want to see
"ugh!"

Or do you want to see
"yeah!"?

I wouldn't want to see
what we've already seen.

I would want to see
something different.

You've already seen everything
that's on this earth.

It's very easy to create
something

We've never seen
or heard before.

I'll get right on it.

[ laughter ]

We got plenty of that
for you.

Wait till you hear
this idea.

Speaking of that,
ready?

"quack addicts."

-Oh.
-One doctor, seven ducks,

One wife, three kids,
one referee,

10 pounds
of highly addictive,

Opioid-infused birdseed.

60 minutes --

42 minutes
with commercial breaks.

Six guns, one bullet.
You do the math.

Hope you didn't clip your nails
this weekend,

Because you're gonna
be biting them.

-I'm curious.
-Thank you.

[ laughter ]

"soaking wet heaven,"
with the sexy angels,

No good, but ducks...

"quack addicts."
...Addicted to opioids,
with guns?

Never seen it.
Never seen it.

-[ laughing, clapping ]
-never seen it. Never heard it.

It's like you guys literally
just said something

And my next idea was genius
and filled that void.

[ laughter, clapping ]

Alright, alright, alright.
Let me try something.

Go ahead, buddy.
Get in there.

Here's something
you haven't seen before.

"law & order: Suv."

[ laughter ]

-Right?
-You unoriginal hack.

[ laughter ]

"law & order: Suv."

This police procedural
and legal drama

Specializes in car crimes
involving, specifically,

Suvs.

[ laughter ]

She's confounded.

I want to hear from our
friend April. April.

Why?

[ laughter ]

A woman of such
efficient words.

You've seen
the "law & order" series,

The popular "law & order" series
that's been on 20 seasons?

-Yeah.
-This one is that with suvs.

Look at her face.

The sharks are circling, q.

Going off April's "why?"
I'll tell you why,

And the show's called
"dalmatian, under god."

"after accidentally
drinking dog medicine,

A young vet tech realizes

That the dog she's
about to deball

Is actually an angel
with a message."

-Deball.
-Deball.

[ laughs ] "'quit your job,
buy a truck, drive.'

What follows is a story of love,
redemption,

And hallucinations caused
by the dog medicine."

[ laughter ]

She's going
to deball the dog.

-Deball.
-Going to castrate the dog,

But she realizes
that she shouldn't

Because he is an angel,
telling her

What she should be doing
with her life.

Yeah, like "angels
in the outfield."

Get to it, April.
Get to it, April.

Cut to the chase, April.

April's --
she's processing.

[ laughter ]

Why?

"why?"

[ laughter ]

I think she gave us our new
slogan for season 9 -- "why?"

[ laughter ]
season 9 -- "why?"

-Ooh.
-You think nine seasons
is too many?

-Yeah.
-I certainly do.

[ laughter, clapping ]

Alright, they're not all
going to be winners.

-That's right.
-This one is, though.

"what maketh a man?"

"the story
of the first man

To have his consciousness
uploaded into a robot body

And his legal battle

To get his
human penis back."

[ laughter ]

April, "why?" April,
just tell me, "why?"

No, I love the idea, at first,
but why the penis?

Because that's all
I care about!

Why not his brain
or why not his heart

Or something of substance?
But his penis?

[ chanting ]
April! April! April!

I want to know what the hell
happens to the penis.

-Right?
-I mean, I want to know.

Well, if he's a robot,
he doesn't need a penis.

I hear,
but do we need art?

Sal: They're in
a heated debate

About a human penis
on an ai body.

He only cares about
the testicles.
Testicles.

The penis.
Yeah.

-Dick pouch.
-Dick pouch.

-Pair of eggs.
-That pair of eggs.

The figs.

-The figs.
-The figs.

Alright, nards.
Well --

Uh, here we go.
Twig and berries.

The next one here --
"why my shirt stink tho?"

Joan bridgewater is a real woman
from chagrin falls, ohio,

Who our producers
have targeted.

"real woman."

The psychological
torturing of joan begins

After we sneak
into her home,

Dosing her with a heavy amount
of dolphin tranquilizer.

Then, we sneak into
her clothing,

And make them smell like
when they're not fully dry,

And it gets
that mildew stank.

Watch what happens when joan
asks everyone around her,

"why my shirt stink, though?"

[ laughter ]

Are you okay?

[ laughter ]

Wait. That's it?
What's the draw?

Joan bridgewater doesn't know
she's been dolph-tranqed.

She's a real woman
who's been dolph-tranqed,

And her clothes
have been made musty.

April
is shaking her head.

Bored.

"bored"?

She's the king
of one word.

Alright.
Well, there we go.

We're just gonna ask you
who you think you had

The better slate
of developments.

I think joe's got it.

I think so, too.

So, if you think my ideas were
better, please raise your hand.

Got one.

And then, for brian's ideas,
raise your hand.

Sal: Whoa!

Oh!

Unbelievable!

Oh!

You've been
de-balled, son!

I've been de-balled.

Substance
over quantity.

He had a "law & order" series
about suvs, April.

It's full mayhem.
They're all arguing.

Honestly --
honestly, you know what?

His ideas are great
because I wrote them all.

[ laughter ]

-Here we go.
-My name is james murray.

I have worked as a head
of tv development

For many, many years.

Prince herb
is a bartender.

[ laughter ]

And we have a slate
of programming...

Now, you don't know
what the ideas are.

Yes.
You wrote them for each other.

So, the first idea I will pitch
to you guys, "kirk & darth."

Imagine, if you will,
commander kirk from "star wars"

And darth vader
from "star trek"

Have to work together
to save their home --

Planet earth.

Darth vader wants
to save planet earth?

Live long,
and may the force prosper.

[ laughter ]

I love it.

I love it.
-Oh, my gosh!

Q: Prince herb
is blown away.

That is just an interesting
combo, right there.

Yes. Commander kirk's
lightsaber.

It's darth vader
with the lightsaber.

Yeah, I think you mixed up
two of the most famous

Franchises of all time.

No. No.

Captain kirk
from "star wars"

And darth vader
from "star trek."

But it's like a mashup
kind of thing.

Oh, she gave it to you, murr.
It's a mashup.

What we've done is
we've mashed them up.

Yeah.

[ laughter ]

Let's get to your next one,
prince herb.

"the 69th amendment."

It's the year 2100,

And america is finally
having a little fun again.

Congress just raised the minimum
wage to $420 an hour,

And now, it's up
to president hot dog emoji

To announce the 69th amendment
while surfing off idaho's coast,

Because of the...
Global warming.

Will he make it mandatory to
wear rollerblades on sundays

During the six month
of christmas

Or fix gerrymandering?

[ laughter ]

So, thoughts on that?

It's out there.

It is.

[ laughter ]

Is it, like,
a comedy,

And then, it's like,
also a social awareness thing

At the very end
of an episode?

Sure.

[ laughter ]

Do you want to
take another stab?

The name of the show
is "princeton,"

A tale of wealth, sex,
and power struggles,

As a machiavellian
fart-joke baron

Attempts to manipulate
and blackmail his way

Into the elite
ruling class.

It sounds familiar.

Joe: It's your life
story, murr.

So, imagine a comedian
moves to princeton,

But he's got a very low brow
career, with low brow friends.

Whoa.

It's almost like
a cinderella story.

What's the time line?

I moved there
two years ago.

[ laughter ]

I'm feeling a thriller
out of it.

Joe: She makes it a thriller.
He's a fart baron.

Yeah, he's a
fart-joke baron.

[ laughter ]

Alright. "gunner smallsack's
liquid shockers."

Murray's title game
is on point.

A woman buys a liter
of cola.

She drinks one glass,

But more than a liter
is missing from the bottle.

Where the heck
did it go?

A recipe calls for one cup
of grapeseed oil.

The man puts the grapeseed oil
in the skillet,

But when he looks,
there's no oil.

Where's the oil?

This anthology series,
hosted by the diminutive,

But commanding,
gunner smallsack,

Presents to you a collection
of liquid shockers

Sure to leave you wet
for more.

So, it's like
a comedy prank show with...

Unexpected volumes
of liquid?

[ laughter ]

You know what?
Why don't I go next?

Q: Oh, murray's
dominating him.

Prince herb,
you're looking bad out there.

Q: Prince herb,
you're looking bad out there.

Next one,
"lady junior."

In the 1994
film "junior,"

Arnold schwarzenegger
plays a man

Who gets pregnant
with a child.

This series, set in the "junior"
cinematic universe...

Prince herb fires back.

...Replaces arnold
with gal gadot --

Wonder woman --
and asks the question,

"what if a woman could
get knocked up, too?"

[ laughter ]

Right?

But women do
get pregnant,

So what's the deal with
the last line, there?

In that universe...

Both: Oh!
[bleep]

Oh, so, in that universe,
women don't get pregnant.

Yes. We're in the "junior"
cinematic universe, here.

Come on.

I'm all for showing, like,
the equality of, like,

The men, female aspects,
and the social obligations.

Joe: Wow.
They are all murray.

There's no way
prince herb wins.

Prince herb's
got no shot.

Yeah, I'm eating
a big fat shit sandwich.

-Herb, you better bring it.
-Yeah, come on, buddy.

I have faith in you.
Sell it, man.

Get in there, man.

[ laughter ]

Rub your earrings
for power.

Fight back, buddy.
Fight back.

Get a load of this,
"dr. Smarty pants."

In this high-stakes
medical drama,

Dr. Eugene swope is turning to
meat jelly on the way to work

After a misadventure
with an errant bear.

[ laughter ]

Why are you guys laughing
at my ideas?

His are just as bad.

This is
a good idea.

Man [bleep]
you guys.

[ laughter ]

That's a joke.

I don't know why
I said that.

I'm getting loopy.

Man, I really talked myself
into a hole.

Alright.

Should we just take
the vote now?

[ laughter ]

I will spare you guys
that voting,

And I will tell you
that james will win this thing.

[ laughter ]

Narrator: Joe and prince herb
couldn't get their pitches

Over the plate,

So they're first up
on the loser board.

Alright. Today, we are competing
head-to-head, tournament style,

Trying to get some volunteers
for our focus group.

The catch is, we won't know the
title of our absurd focus group

Until we read it
for the first time.

The goal is to get
as many attendees as possible

To join your groups.

Whoever convinces
the most volunteers

To choose his ridiculous
focus group wins.

Now, normally,
we shoot these things

Before we do the bit.

We already did the bit,
and are shooting this now,

And I'm telling you,
the winner is bullshit.

Hi, guys.
How are you?

Thank you for
your patience.

Michael?
Michael?

Alright, so, they're both
pitching their focus groups

To michael first.

They're both terrible,
by the way.

The point is, what's the lesser
of the two evils?

What can we convince someone
is the lesser of the two evils?

That's right.
That's the whole thing.

The first focus group is,
we get your clothes soaking wet

And see how long it takes them
to dry with no help.

Or...

We have a lab.

And as soon as you
give us a puke sample,

You can get paid
and leave.

[ joe laughs ]

Michael, right?

So, you get it.
They're pretty self-explanatory.

Do you want to get
your clothes soaking wet,

And we see how long
it takes to dry.

That's gonna
take hours.

I can get you out of here
in five minutes.

It's unproven
how long it'll take.

We don't
actually know.

Well, it's just -- it's just,
he gives us a puke sample,

He gets paid
and leaves.

Oh, nice rebuttal.

What happens
if I dry heave?

No, we just got to
get a little puke out.

We've got to get
some stomach stuff out of it.

Alright.
We might get something out.

Oh!
Q wins it!

Michael, would you
come with me, please?

Mike is choosing
to puke.

What did you have
for lunch today?

-Cereal.
-You ate cereal.

Perfect.

Alright. So, now, me and you.
Me and you.

You ready?

Okay, let's do it.

Hi.
How are you?

How's it going?

Michael.
-He left.

-Michael.
-Oh, he went?

Okay, so, next on the list
is neveeda.

-Yes.
-Alright. Great.

So, mine is a do-it-yourself
acupuncture kit.

Or...

Any chance
you are in the mood

To screw around with
a new kind of tampon?

Joe: Alright. Great.

Mine is a do-it-yourself
acupuncture kit.

Or...

Any chance
you are in the mood

To screw around with
a new kind of tampon?

[ laughter ]

Wait, what was yours?

Mine's the
acupuncture kit.

And...

If you're willing to,
like, just screws around
with a new kind of tampon.

-Yours.
-Okay.

Okay. Great.

Just screw around
with a new tampon.

We'll be back
for you guys.

Oh, my gosh.

Joe:
Are you serious?

Are you kidding me?

[ indistinct talking ]

Come on, loser.

Okay. Michael?

Virgo.
-Yes, that's me.

Would you like to do a six-hour,
in-depth mosquito safety course

For citizens of northern
rockland county?

Oh, my goodness. Okay.

The other one is
monkey chef taste testers.

Made by ape,
ate by human.

I will try that.

Yeah, let's go.
We have some good ape chefs.

-Yeah.
-Virgo.

Great. Come on, virgo.
You're next.

It's just six hours.

Joe: Winner take all, bitches.
Winner take all.

The three of us got to
get up in here with her,
and see what she thinks.

I lost, but two more of you
are about to lose.

There can only be
one winner.

Michael?

They're all gone.
They're all gone.

Joe: No? Okay. I'm sorry.
Who are you?

-Alia.
-Alia.

Alia, this is -- so you're gonna
have your choice of group.

Alright.

My first one is a meat packaging
odor identification seminar,

Where you'll smell
15 packages of meats

On different levels
of rottenness.

You smell a [bleep]load
of meats.

So, you just smell
a [bleep]load of meats.

Or you do...

Chocolate tasting.

Oh. Really?

May experience some mild
neck thickening,

But chocolate tasting.

Is it real chocolate?

Oh, it's real chocolate,
it's just, like, mild,

Mild neck thickening.

That make me a little nervous
about the second option.

And then, or...

Bee aggression
in freezing conditions.

What is that?

Aggression levels of bees
in freezing cold environments.

Joe: So, you'd be in a freezing
environment with bees...

With bees?

Yeah, but the whole thing
is that, the colder it is,

The less aggressive
the bees are.

In theory.

But they might actually
bite you, right?

Well, it depends
what you want.

You might get stung,
you might have a thick neck,

Or you could smell
some meats.

-What?
-She's legit debating these.

...To an hour.

Was it cold or freezing?
What did you say?

It's bee aggression
in freezing conditions.

But you'll have a shawl
in there, so...

I just wanted to
do something...

Something really
extravagant.

I would go with bees,
but I'm a little concerned.

Murr:
"I would go with bees."

Should I go for chocolate?
I don't even know.

But the neck.

And then, the other one,
don't forget the meat packaging.

For the meat, I was thinking,
if it's not raw,

I would probably taste it
and eat it.

I know. Unfortunately,
you can only pick one.

You can't go
to all three.

All: Yeah.

[ laughs ]

Let me go with bees.
You'll go with bees?

She's going with
the bees!

Oh, my god!

No, no, no, no,
but it's only -- it's mild.

It's on the interior.
You'll get stung.

Alright.
Take it easy, guys.

Joe: Well, it's tampons
and bees for the win.

Narrator:
Joe, q, and murr got stung,

Making joe tonight's big loser.

All: Hey!

Joe's our big loser.

So, now, I have to head inside,
and sing bette midler's

"wind beneath my wings"
to the best of my ability

To thousands of fans
streaming on the internet.

Showtime.

I mean,
it doesn't get any easier.

We don't even speak now.

So, we're doing this today
for charity,

On behalf of
the mariano rivera foundation,

That helps children
from impoverished families

With scholarships,
vocational training,

Mentorship programs,
and so on and so forth.

So, thank you guys
who joined us,

And thank you guys
who donated.

"wind beneath my wings"
is a power ballad.

Probably one of the biggest
power ballads of all time.

Also, a very hard song
to sing.

It should not be tackled
by someone of joe's talent.

-Alright, joe.
-Oh, here he comes.

Thousands of people.

Here he goes.
Here he goes.

-Oh, my god!
-Oh, my god!

Q: Oh, here he comes.

Sal: Oh, my god!

Look at all
these people.

Thousands of people.

[ laughter ]

[ "wind beneath my wings"
plays ]

[ vocalizes off-key ]

[ laughter ]

It's worse than I thought
it was gonna be.

♪ it must've been cold there
in my shadow ♪

Q: Oh, my god.

He's really
doing it, though.

♪ to never have sunlight
or your face ♪

I love how
close up we are.

♪ you were content
to let me shine ♪

♪ that's your way ♪

♪ you always walked
a step behind ♪

He looks like a human muppet,
doesn't he?

♪ so I was the one
with all the glory ♪

♪ while you were the one
with all the strength ♪

Look at his [bleep] eyes.

♪ a beautiful face without
a name for so long ♪

♪ a beautiful smile
to hide the paaaain ♪

Oh, yeah, joey!

♪ did you ever know
that you're my hero ♪

♪ and everything
I would like to be? ♪

♪ and I could fly higher
than an eagle ♪

♪ for you are the wind
beneath my wings ♪

Look, the fun is starting
to drain out of the zoom room.

Everybody in zoom is
starting to realize

What they
signed up for --

This horrible,
terrible rendition.

♪ it might have appeared
to go unnoticed ♪

♪ but I've got it all here
in my heart ♪

♪ I want you to know
I know the truth ♪

♪ of course I know it ♪

All: ♪ I would be nothing
without yooouu ♪

♪ did you ever know
that you're my hero? ♪

♪ you're everything
I wished I could be ♪

Did anybody
step on a cat?

♪ and I would fly higher
than an eagle ♪

There's the lip sweat.
There's the lip sweat.

Joe: ♪ if you are the wind
beneath my wings ♪

♪ did I ever tell you
you're my hero? ♪

He's getting a little
too confident, now.

♪ you're everything, everything
I wish I could be ♪

♪ oh, and I ♪

♪ I could fly higher
than an eagllle ♪

He's gonna pass out.

♪ for you are the wind
beneath my wings ♪

Dab that face.

♪ you are the wind
beneath my wings ♪

♪ oh, you, you, you ♪

♪ the wind
beneath my wings ♪

♪ flyyyy ♪

♪ flyyy♪

♪ so high
against the sky ♪

♪ so high I almost
touch the sky ♪

♪ thank you ♪

♪ thank you ♪

♪ thank god for you,
the wind beneath my wings ♪

Wow. Wow.

Bravo. Bravo.

Excellent, joe.
Excellent.

I appreciate
all of you.

You all are
wonderful people,

But thank god for you --
the three of you --

The wind
beneath my wings.

Go eff you.

[ laughter ]

Good job, bud.

-Good job, joe.
-Good job.