All language subtitles for Impractical.Jokers.S09E11.1080p.WEB.h264-BAE

Narrator: Coming up, does q have
skeletons in his closet?

You want to see a dead body?

Ehh...

Narrator: What's got sal
keeping a low profile?

I was in witness protection
eight times.

[ laughter ]

And which losing joker
will get taken down under

In tonight's big punishment?

[ laughter ]

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ laughter ]

Murr: Like a boss!

[ laughter ]

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ laughter ]

Joe: Is your mom single, or no?

Hey, today we're gonna be
a professional reference

For somebody who's looking
for a new job.

Whilst
on a video call,

The other guys will be
messaging us

Bizarre things
to say and do.

Plus, we'll be sitting
right across the table

Messing with each other
however we see fit.

The goal is to get through
the video call

As best you can.

And if you can't,
you lose.

This is like
a board meeting.

I'm glad you guys could
join me.

Joe is about to be
a reference

For somebody
applying for a job over zoom.

Everything you're
saying and doing,

We are gonna command you
from these laptops.

Joe, you ready to be
somebody's reference?

Yes. They're not getting
the job, for sure.

Here we go.

Hello.
-Hi.

How's your day been?
Good so far.

You know, I've been busy just
working from the home office.

You know,
as a 55-year-old man,

I'm not that good
with technology, so...

No, I understand.
My mom is actually --

She's been, like,
virtually teaching right now,

And she's trying to learn
how to use technology

In a way she's never
had to use it before.

I know, it's crazy,
because everybody's having

A tough time with it, you know.

Is your mom single, or no?

[ laughing ]
no, she's not single.

She actually is a teacher.

So, she teaches
nurse-aid students,

So teaching them
virtually is like --

Are you single?

[ laughs ] yes, I am.

And the dating scene,
let me tell you,

It is not the best.

Yeah, it's been a --

Yeah, it's definitely --

Oh! Did something
just spray on you?

There's a pipe in the office,
and it's wonky.

Oh, my gosh.

That's unfortunate.

Let me just go ahead
and start asking you questions

About your relationship
with jamie.

Is that okay?
-Yeah, that's fine.

What was his main
responsibilities,

Things like that?

One of the shining things with
jamie is he did a great job.

He kept frank away from roger
on helen's days off.

Okay. And so,
his most recent project,

Is at discover
financial services?

Discover financial services,
yeah.

Does that go along the lines
of being a java developer?

Yes.

What was the nature
of your working relationship?

Really worked hard.

I once saw him lift
a xerox machine

Because there was a paperclip
that fell behind it.

And it didn't seem
necessary to me,

But people want to do
what they want to do sometimes.

What is --
what is going on?

There must have been something
got in the house.

I'm gonna --
I actually have to go.

I literally
have to end the call.

Great.
Well, I mean, I appreciate

You taking the time for this,
and I hope all is well.

Okay.
I'll fix that leak.

I got to fix the leak, too.
-Alright.

So, appreciate you.

[ laughter ]

[ buzzer ]

Murr: Alright, sal's turn to go.

Oh, hey, hey.
Dan, right?

-Dan: Yes, yes.
-Oh, excellent.

-Alright, let me just...
-Nice to see you, man.

How you doing?
-Good. What about yourself?

Um...

I mean, nowadays,
days all seem the same,

But, uh...

I don't really get where this is
going, per se, you know.

Hi, hi. Hey. Sorry.

You're good.
No worries.

Where are you located?

I'm in new york, just outside.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm -- I'm just in jersey.

So, dan, let's get to it, buddy.

Let's get to it. Wow.

What would you say, like,
her strongest skills were?

[ keyboard keys clacking ]

[ groans ]

She's got fat little baby toes,
and I just want to eat them up.

[ chuckles ]

Did she have any issues?

Hm...

She takes long lunches.

How long do you guys
normally have for lunch?

It's a half hour.

One time, she was gone
for two days' worth of lunch.

[ laughter ]

Some advice on best ways
to manage her?

She -- she didn't -- she...

I would -- I would say
don't micromanage.

-Okay.
-Don't micromanage, yeah.

I mean, that's kind of
why I let those, uh...

She didn't res--

I would say
don't micromanage.

Do you have any --

Yeah, do you have
any like, examples

Of when you possibly
micromanaged

And it didn't --
it kind of backfired?

She didn't respond well
to physical restraints,

I'll tell you that much.

Fair enough.

Anything else you want to add?

Um, uh...

I am not 100% sure
who this person is.

[ ding! ]

Alright, murr.

I feel like I'm on the receiving
end of a firing squad.

[ laughter ]
that's what it's like.

Okay, I'm starting the call now.

Hello.
-Hey, what's going on?

Hey. Christian, right?

Yeah. Jamie, correct?

Jamie's the person
I'm referring.

Yeah. Yep.

Her real name's jamie miller,

But we used to call jamie
"taco" in the office.

Oh, really?
Is there any story behind that?

She's just loves tacos.

And what were basically, like,
taco's responsibility?

Taco was our secret weapon,
so to speak.

Would, uh...

You know, they wanted to --

Our company specializes
in cloud capabilities

And that kind of
backbone infrastructure,

And what we found was that
she was excellent at talking.

She was the closer, so to speak.

Okay, awesome.

And then, what were
their strongest skills?

Let's see...

She had really nice teeth.

I mean, like, I'd often find
myself getting lost in them.

And then what were
the biggest weaknesses?

The biggest weaknesses, uh...

She --
[ chuckles ]

She was a little out of shape
for my taste.

Okay.

And then, any advice on how
to manage, how to manage her?

Yeah, you know, I would say
if she gives you any lip,

Call her "mustache"
and she'll fall in line.

[ laughing ]

Excuse me one second.

Everything okay?

I'm sorry. So...

[ laughing ]

Sorry. Okay!

Alright, what are --
what are you laughing at?

I'm so sorry.

Hey, dad?
Yeah?

Can I borrow
the car?

Yeah. The keys
are over there, tim.

Okay.
Thanks, dad.

I'm so -- I'm so lost
right now.

It's this, you know,
working from home, right?

[ laughter ]

[ ding! ]

What person chose q as
a reference for a job interview?

Someone did.

Q: Hi. Ellington?

Yeah. How you doing?

I'm excited to help out today.
Thank you.

What were her responsibilities
at your company?

Uh, well, besides work,

She helped me co-chair
the office death pool.

Okay.
[ laughter ]

Where did you see the most
growth in jamie's development?

[ cymbals crash ]

♪♪

Ellington: Where did you
see the most growth

In jamie's development?

Q: She was shitty
at paperwork at first,

But she kind of get better at it
as she went along.

Yeah, I'm sure.

[ cymbals crash ]

[ muffled laughter ]

What's the next question?

How is the candidate

At managing and executing
projects?

I will say this -- do not send
the former alcoholic

To pick up all the booze
for the bastille day party

And expect to have a good time.

[ chuckles ]
that's good advice.

Okay, come on. Bastille day.
Let's go. Next question.

Is there a time
that you can recall

That the candidate
solved a problem

And really exceeded
expectations?

I do.
This is actually great.

See, someone kept
stealing lunches

Out of the department fridge,

And jamie rigged a dye pack

To her meatball sub,

And the culprit
was caught red-handed.

Or should I say...

Blue-handed.

I need a gong.

Is there anything else
you'd like to add about --

[ cymbals crash ]

[ laughter ]

Oh.

You want to see a dead body?

Ehhh...I -- no.

Alright, next question.
-That was all of them.

That's all the questions
I got for you.

Yeah.

Oof. Oh-ho-ho!

Wow. Alright, bud,
I hope you --

Could you tell that I've been
taking a dump this whole time?

[ laughing ]

Oh, man.

Keep your crank up.
I'm out.

Whoo!

[ laughter ]

[ ding! ]

Narrator: Joe couldn't handle
working from home,

So he's first up
on the loser board.

Today,
we're at cec research,

Presenting details of our
life story to focus groups.

But, guys,
here's the catch --

The details
of these memoirs

Have been written
by the other guys.

At the end of the session,
we'll ask the person,

On the scale of 1 to 10,

How likely they are
to recommend our memoir.

Whoever gets
the lowest score loses.

And you don't want
to lose,

'cause that means
you get punished.

You know that from
watching the show.

How's it going today?
Really good.

Joe vs. Me.
Here we go.

Thanks for coming in.

I'm just telling you
about a memoir

That we're looking possibly
to take to a publisher.

Oh, sure.

Alright, joey,
this is your life story.

"spermgod"
by joe gatto.

[ laughter ]

So, I'm self-made.
I was on my own at a young age,

Surviving hand-to-mouth
by using what god gave me --

My body.

I began testing drugs
for big pharma

And donating sperm
on the regular.

[ laughter ]

The big thing here
was I tested hyberzerbidome.

Unfortunately, hyberzerbidome
got rejected by the fda

After 86 rounds of testing
and never went to market,

So that's why
you haven't heard of it.

Mm.

Hyberzerbidome shut down my
larynx and darkened my areolas.

So, I had side effects.

[ laughter ]

Darkened
your areolas?

My sperm's also a winner.

Through the years, my sperms
were successfully used

In over 40 pregnancies.
Okay.

I had all these kids,

But I never felt
like a dad.
Hm.

I recently decided it was time
to meet my 40-ish kids.

Enter bianca.

[ laughter ]

Bianca is 28,
from fátima, portugal.

Yeah.

I saw this picture of her.

I set off to find bianca

And hopefully
"connect" with her mother.

The mom's hot?
You see where
this is going?

Bianca's mo--

Bianca's mother
was busted.

Not good.
Yeah, I know, in portugal.
Wow.

Right, yeah, so now I'm forced
to leave portugal.

On the flight home, I sit
next to a wonderful woman

And have an eight-hour
conversation,

And we truly connect.
Mm-hmm.

The hot stewardess
asked me

If I wanted
another bag of peanuts.

King meets queen.
I marry the sky waitress.

[ laughter ]

So, now, welcome home,
my jealous wife.

Uh-oh!

Shortly after we wed,
my wife finds out

About my 40-ish kids,
and she's not happy.

Right.

To make matters worse,
I don't get her pregnant.

My sperms only work in the lab.
She wanted to bear children.

Soon after,
I almost died -- poison.

Figured out that it was my wife
that tried to poison me,

Using hyberzerbidome

That she had gotten
some left over dosage.

I noticed 'cause my nipples
started getting dark.

I noticed right away, because
my areolas...Reconfigured there.

[ laughter ]

Okay. So, now
my wife's in the clink.

Right.

She gets 25 to life,
which leaves me all alone again.

Yeah.

I get one last shot.

My son denis from toronto
calls me,

Telling me he needs me.

Turns out he's infertile.
Oh, that's a side effect?

Yeah, my sperms
might have got jacked up

From the hyberzerbidome.
Wow.

Yeah, 'cause I was doming
hard at that point.

'cause I was doming hard
early -- 86 trials.

Right. Right.
Talk about
how you started

Getting into recreational
hyberzerbidome.

Hyberzerbidome
was also, like --

Kind of turned
a little recreational, too.

Wow.
Yeah.
They called it 'bidoming.

"you show me
someone's areolas,

I'll tell you if they're
on hyberzerbidome."

You show me a dark areola,
you know that they're on it.

Oh, my gosh, yeah.

[ laughter ]

It's time for me
to get back to my roots

And donate sperms
one last time...

To my son's wife.

[ laughter ]

I became a father
and a grandfather

In a single stroke.

Finito.

[ laughter ]

I guess the question for you is,
on a scale of 1 to 10,

How likely are you
to recommend this memoir,

If it were published,
to a friend?

I'll say an 8.
You'll say an 8?

-I'll say an 8.
-Wow!

You can't write
this stuff, right?

[ ding! ]

-Here we go.
-My name is sal.

Hi, sal.
Nice to meet you.

Sal: Nice to meet you,
as well.

I've had a very
interesting life.

I wrote a novel.
It's a biography.

Alright, sounds good.

Sal doesn't know what his story
is, and here we go.

So...

"the re-bourne identity:

I was in witness protection
8 times."

[ laughter ]

Q: What?!

"the re-bourne identity:

I was in witness
protection 8 times."

[ laughter ]

This is how it all began.

1983 was the year.

The song was "maneater"
by hall & oates.

[ laughter ]

I was just a kid
working as a cart boy

At wegmans in mahwah,
new jersey.

Like all 18-year-old boys,
I idolized my store manager.

Right.

Until the day I witnessed him
dealing coke drugs.

[ laughter ]

Coke drugs.

I loved my boss so much,
but I had to do the right thing,

And I snitched.
Okay.

"chapter 3: Whoops."

[ laughter ]

Turns out the leone
crime family,

The famous one that you are
thinking of right now,

That's the one --

-She's not thinking of them.
-[ laughing ]

...Was running
a designer drug ring

Out of the frozen food section
where I worked.

And their motto is --

And we know this
from popular culture,

Television
and probably books --

Snitches get murdered.

[ laughter ]

Snitches get murdered.

My whole family was at risk,
naturally,

So we had to enter witpro.

[ laughter ]

You know, witpro.
Witness protection.
I shortened it.

They named me
dud duckett of lima, ohio.

New life sucked.
I had no friends.

I ballooned
all the way up to 190.

[ laughter ]

I'm at a party
and I think,

Maybe to score points
with the ladies,

I'll tell
the coke drug story.

Yeah. Yeah.

Some kid at the party
snitches.

I got to re-witpro now.

[ laughter ]

So, witpro 2 --
mike anders.

I love my new life,
finally,

But they give me
an underpaid job

As a gas station attendee.

Against the feds' wishes,

I start moonlighting
as a waiter

Because I need
to make ends meet.

You know what I mean?
Uh-huh.

One night,
I bring menus to a table,

And I shit you not...

Hit "next"!

Okay, so...

[ laughter ]

His father!
That's sal's dad!
That's sal's dad.

At the table
is vincent leone,

Of the leone
crime family.

What is leone doing
in lima, ohio?

He makes me, leone,

And now I got to
re-witpro -- number three.

Yeah, yeah.
No, I get it.

Joe: [ laughing ]
"I get it."

I'm gonna tell you

A handful of my other
identities right now.

Sal, this is a timeline.
Just take her through it.

Thomas hammish --
got involved

With members
of the rival crime family.

They told the leones
my whereabouts.

Eamon grand -- had great seats
at the world series,

Was on tv basically
the whole game.

[ laughter ]

Terry leonardo --
I won the powerball.

I was on television.
They saw my face.

Right into '98,
I go leo curry.

I had a girlfriend.

She wanted to get married
and I wasn't ready.

I called witpro.
They got...

[ laughter ]

You okay?

The feds did me a favor
on the last one.

And finally,
theo samuelson,

And I went viral
with a bmx --

[ muffled laugh ]

A bmx fail video?
Yeah.

[ laughter ]

Yeah.

There's no closet to hide in.
You're done!

The viral video
was an epic fail.

I fell...

Crushed nuts
and everything.

Crushed nuts hard on that.
I crushed nuts hard on that.

[ laughter ]

On a scale from 1 to 10,

What is the score
you would give this book

As far as a recommendation
to others to read?

I would give it a 10.
I mean...

Wow!
Wow! Sal!

I mean,
it's an unbelievable tale.

It deserves a 10.

Perfect score!

Narrator: Eh, fuhgeddaboudit.

Joe's tonight's big loser.

So, joe is
our loser.

Well, actually,
he was our loser,

But we already
punished him.

So, we made joe wake up
at 2:30 a.M. Every night

To give a local news
and traffic report.

Local news at 2:30
in the morning?

Well, local to australia,
which is where the traffic was.

-Oh.
-[ laughter ]

That's right --
joe hosted "g'day mate"

Every day this week.

He woke up at 2:30
in the morning,

Reported the local traffic,
played a didgeridoo,

Ate an australian meat pie,
and went to bed.

Now, we weren't gonna
get up that early,

So we're watching the first time
with you right now.

I cannot wait
to watch this.

[ alarm beeping ]

[ laughter ]

The dogs!

Q: Lookit,
the dog's confused.

How many living creatures
are on that bed right now?

Look at his hair.

So, you've been asleep
four hours at this point?

Joe: At this point, I was asleep
maybe four hours.

Oh, man.

[ theme music plays ]

Announcer: You are now watching
"g'day mates" with joe gatto.

[ laughter ]

Welcome to "g'day mates."

I'm joe gatto.

Let's get to the local traffic.

[ laughter ]

Bankstown humes highway
near chapel road,

There's a crash
with a bus and car.

The ferry is out of service
for routine maintenance.

Traffic may be heavier
than usual in both directions

On the princes highway
approaching kogarah,

As fans travel to and from
[yawning] the stadium.

Oh, there's a game.

Now for some
local sydney news.

Snail hunter stranded,
stuck in mud.

This streamed live
every night

When it was happening,
correct?

Yeah.

The rescue mission
was easy to find

For these two
snail hunters.

Before we conclude
our broadcast,

I will now enjoy a classic
australian delicacy

Of a meat pie.

[ laughter ]

Microwave
vegan meat pie.

[ keypad beeps ]

As we wait for the meat pie,

I will now play the didgeridoo.

[ laughter ]

[ didgeridoo blows ]

[ laughter ]

His whole family
is two rooms over.

Murr: If people ever ask you
how you pay your mortgage,

I want you to show them
this shot.

[ laughter ]

[ microwave beeping ]

Oh, the microwave's
done.

[ laughter ]

-Your ass crack is out!
-His ass is hanging out.

♪♪

Sal: He's got to
power through the whole thing.

Num-num.

[ laughter ]

So [bleep] stupid.

[ laughter ]

Thank you for watching
"g'day mate."

I've been joe gatto.

I'll see you tomorrow.

[ theme music playing ]

Announcer: You are now watching
"g'day mates" with joe gatto.

[ alarm beeping ]

[ laughter ]

Q: Oh, joe.

♪♪

[ alarm beeping ]

[ laughter ]

[ beeping stops ]

Murr:
Bessie is not happy.

Oh, man. This is
for a half hour every night.

[ theme music playing ]

[ laughter ]

-The clock's gone!
-The clock's gone.

I didn't even notice
the clock fell.

You pulled the paint
off the wall!

Hello. You're watching
"g'day mates" with joe gatto.

Let's get into
the local traffic.

[ laughter ]

Greenwich pacific highway
between campbell street

And anglo road
has scheduled road work.

The ferry is out of service

Due to routine maintenance
today in sydney west.

...Teger drive are
the recommended diversions.

[bleep]'s a diversion?

[ laughter ]

Completely naked fugitive
saved by mates...

The council put a temporary
planning instrument

Over the property...

An update on public holidays
in tasmania Friday...

[ laughter ]
tasmania!

Here comes
the meat pie.

[ didgeridoo blows ]

[ microwave beeping ]
here it comes.

Ah!

♪♪

[ didgeridoo blows ]

[ laughter ]

He's got to
cool it off.

Nothing says 3:00 a.M.
Like a good ol' meat pie.

[ laughter ]

Thanks for watching
"g'day mates" with joe gatto.

[ theme music playing ]

[ alarm beeping ]

This is crazy.

Good morning, everyone.

[ laughter ]

In arncliffe,
the m5 east motorway...

...Road has scheduled
road work...

[ yawning ]
it's Wednesday or --

It's Wednesday or Thursday.

Teenage boy trapped after
digging deep hole at the beach.

[ laughter ]

[ keypad beeps ]

[ didgeridoo blows ]

Sal: The sound matches
your emotion.

[ microwave beeping ]

The dismount,
I love it every time.

-Oh, man, you look rough.
-Num-num.

[ laughter ]

Thank you for watching
"g'day mates."

I've been joe gatto.

[ theme music playing ]

[ laughing ]
look at him!

Announcer: You are now watching
"g'day mates" with joe...

[ alarm beeping ]

[ laughter ]

♪♪

Oh, joe.

Elswick street,
there's a broke-down car...

Ararongang road has scheduled
road work bridge maintenance...

Numbats have not been seen
in the new south wales wild...

Injuries force baz the ram

Into lounge room retirement
after castration.

[ laughter ]

[ didgeridoo blows ]

I feel like your zest
for the instrument

Has gone away.

[ microwave beeping ]

[ laughter ]

[ laughter ]

You missed
the garbage?!

He missed
the garbage bag.

For the final time,
I'm joe gatto,

And you've been watching
"g'day mates."

[ theme music playing ]

-Well done, joe.
-Signing off.

Were you able to go back
to sleep easy, or no?

No! I had a meat pie!

Announcer: Breaking news.

-Guys, breaking news!
-Wait, what?!

Unfortunately, my time is up
as the host,

But the show will continue
with a new anchor,

Decided by the way
we always decide everything.

The last one to say "not it"
will be the new host.

-Not it!
-Not it!

[ laughter ]

And that's how you play chess,
not checkers, bitches.

I got to do this now?

Don't worry, I've got
a didgeridoo you can borrow.

[ laughter ]