Original subtitles

Narrator: Coming up, does q have skeletons in his closet?

You want to see a dead body?

Ehh...

Narrator: What's got sal keeping a low profile?

I was in witness protection eight times.

[ laughter ]

And which losing joker will get taken down under

In tonight's big punishment?

[ laughter ]

Sal: Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ laughter ]

Murr: Like a boss!

[ laughter ]

Sal: I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ laughter ]

Joe: Is your mom single, or no?

Hey, today we're gonna be a professional reference

For somebody who's looking for a new job.

Whilst on a video call,

The other guys will be messaging us

Bizarre things to say and do.

Plus, we'll be sitting right across the table

Messing with each other however we see fit.

The goal is to get through the video call

As best you can.

And if you can't, you lose.

This is like a board meeting.

I'm glad you guys could join me.

Joe is about to be a reference

For somebody applying for a job over zoom.

Everything you're saying and doing,

We are gonna command you from these laptops.

Joe, you ready to be somebody's reference?

Yes. They're not getting the job, for sure.

Here we go.

Hello. -Hi.

How's your day been? Good so far.

You know, I've been busy just working from the home office.

You know, as a 55-year-old man,

I'm not that good with technology, so...

No, I understand. My mom is actually --

She's been, like, virtually teaching right now,

And she's trying to learn how to use technology

In a way she's never had to use it before.

I know, it's crazy, because everybody's having

A tough time with it, you know.

Is your mom single, or no?

[ laughing ] no, she's not single.

She actually is a teacher.

So, she teaches nurse-aid students,

So teaching them virtually is like --

Are you single?

[ laughs ] yes, I am.

And the dating scene, let me tell you,

It is not the best.

Yeah, it's been a --

Yeah, it's definitely --

Oh! Did something just spray on you?

There's a pipe in the office, and it's wonky.

Oh, my gosh.

That's unfortunate.

Let me just go ahead and start asking you questions

About your relationship with jamie.

Is that okay? -Yeah, that's fine.

What was his main responsibilities,

Things like that?

One of the shining things with jamie is he did a great job.

He kept frank away from roger on helen's days off.

Okay. And so, his most recent project,

Is at discover financial services?

Discover financial services, yeah.

Does that go along the lines of being a java developer?

Yes.

What was the nature of your working relationship?

Really worked hard.

I once saw him lift a xerox machine

Because there was a paperclip that fell behind it.

And it didn't seem necessary to me,

But people want to do what they want to do sometimes.

What is -- what is going on?

There must have been something got in the house.

I'm gonna -- I actually have to go.

I literally have to end the call.

Great. Well, I mean, I appreciate

You taking the time for this, and I hope all is well.

Okay. I'll fix that leak.

I got to fix the leak, too. -Alright.

So, appreciate you.

[ laughter ]

[ buzzer ]

Murr: Alright, sal's turn to go.

Oh, hey, hey. Dan, right?

-Dan: Yes, yes. -Oh, excellent.

-Alright, let me just... -Nice to see you, man.

How you doing? -Good. What about yourself?

Um...

I mean, nowadays, days all seem the same,

But, uh...

I don't really get where this is going, per se, you know.

Hi, hi. Hey. Sorry.

You're good. No worries.

Where are you located?

I'm in new york, just outside.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm -- I'm just in jersey.

So, dan, let's get to it, buddy.

Let's get to it. Wow.

What would you say, like, her strongest skills were?

[ keyboard keys clacking ]

[ groans ]

She's got fat little baby toes, and I just want to eat them up.

[ chuckles ]

Did she have any issues?

Hm...

She takes long lunches.

How long do you guys normally have for lunch?

It's a half hour.

One time, she was gone for two days' worth of lunch.

[ laughter ]

Some advice on best ways to manage her?

She -- she didn't -- she...

I would -- I would say don't micromanage.

-Okay. -Don't micromanage, yeah.

I mean, that's kind of why I let those, uh...

She didn't res--

I would say don't micromanage.

Do you have any --

Yeah, do you have any like, examples

Of when you possibly micromanaged

And it didn't -- it kind of backfired?

She didn't respond well to physical restraints,

I'll tell you that much.

Fair enough.

Anything else you want to add?

Um, uh...

I am not 100% sure who this person is.

[ ding! ]

Alright, murr.

I feel like I'm on the receiving end of a firing squad.

[ laughter ] that's what it's like.

Okay, I'm starting the call now.

Hello. -Hey, what's going on?

Hey. Christian, right?

Yeah. Jamie, correct?

Jamie's the person I'm referring.

Yeah. Yep.

Her real name's jamie miller,

But we used to call jamie "taco" in the office.

Oh, really? Is there any story behind that?

She's just loves tacos.

And what were basically, like, taco's responsibility?

Taco was our secret weapon, so to speak.

Would, uh...

You know, they wanted to --

Our company specializes in cloud capabilities

And that kind of backbone infrastructure,

And what we found was that she was excellent at talking.

She was the closer, so to speak.

Okay, awesome.

And then, what were their strongest skills?

Let's see...

She had really nice teeth.

I mean, like, I'd often find myself getting lost in them.

And then what were the biggest weaknesses?

The biggest weaknesses, uh...

She -- [ chuckles ]

She was a little out of shape for my taste.

Okay.

And then, any advice on how to manage, how to manage her?

Yeah, you know, I would say if she gives you any lip,

Call her "mustache" and she'll fall in line.

[ laughing ]

Excuse me one second.

Everything okay?

I'm sorry. So...

[ laughing ]

Sorry. Okay!

Alright, what are -- what are you laughing at?

I'm so sorry.

Hey, dad? Yeah?

Can I borrow the car?

Yeah. The keys are over there, tim.

Okay. Thanks, dad.

I'm so -- I'm so lost right now.

It's this, you know, working from home, right?

[ laughter ]

[ ding! ]

What person chose q as a reference for a job interview?

Someone did.

Q: Hi. Ellington?

Yeah. How you doing?

I'm excited to help out today. Thank you.

What were her responsibilities at your company?

Uh, well, besides work,

She helped me co-chair the office death pool.

Okay. [ laughter ]

Where did you see the most growth in jamie's development?

[ cymbals crash ]

♪♪

Ellington: Where did you see the most growth

In jamie's development?

Q: She was shitty at paperwork at first,

But she kind of get better at it as she went along.

Yeah, I'm sure.

[ cymbals crash ]

[ muffled laughter ]

What's the next question?

How is the candidate

At managing and executing projects?

I will say this -- do not send the former alcoholic

To pick up all the booze for the bastille day party

And expect to have a good time.

[ chuckles ] that's good advice.

Okay, come on. Bastille day. Let's go. Next question.

Is there a time that you can recall

That the candidate solved a problem

And really exceeded expectations?

I do. This is actually great.

See, someone kept stealing lunches

Out of the department fridge,

And jamie rigged a dye pack

To her meatball sub,

And the culprit was caught red-handed.

Or should I say...

Blue-handed.

I need a gong.

Is there anything else you'd like to add about --

[ cymbals crash ]

[ laughter ]

Oh.

You want to see a dead body?

Ehhh...I -- no.

Alright, next question. -That was all of them.

That's all the questions I got for you.

Yeah.

Oof. Oh-ho-ho!

Wow. Alright, bud, I hope you --

Could you tell that I've been taking a dump this whole time?

[ laughing ]

Oh, man.

Keep your crank up. I'm out.

Whoo!

[ laughter ]

[ ding! ]

Narrator: Joe couldn't handle working from home,

So he's first up on the loser board.

Today, we're at cec research,

Presenting details of our life story to focus groups.

But, guys, here's the catch --

The details of these memoirs

Have been written by the other guys.

At the end of the session, we'll ask the person,

On the scale of 1 to 10,

How likely they are to recommend our memoir.

Whoever gets the lowest score loses.

And you don't want to lose,

'cause that means you get punished.

You know that from watching the show.

How's it going today? Really good.

Joe vs. Me. Here we go.

Thanks for coming in.

I'm just telling you about a memoir

That we're looking possibly to take to a publisher.

Oh, sure.

Alright, joey, this is your life story.

"spermgod" by joe gatto.

[ laughter ]

So, I'm self-made. I was on my own at a young age,

Surviving hand-to-mouth by using what god gave me --

My body.

I began testing drugs for big pharma

And donating sperm on the regular.

[ laughter ]

The big thing here was I tested hyberzerbidome.

Unfortunately, hyberzerbidome got rejected by the fda

After 86 rounds of testing and never went to market,

So that's why you haven't heard of it.

Mm.

Hyberzerbidome shut down my larynx and darkened my areolas.

So, I had side effects.

[ laughter ]

Darkened your areolas?

My sperm's also a winner.

Through the years, my sperms were successfully used

In over 40 pregnancies. Okay.

I had all these kids,

But I never felt like a dad. Hm.

I recently decided it was time to meet my 40-ish kids.

Enter bianca.

[ laughter ]

Bianca is 28, from fátima, portugal.

Yeah.

I saw this picture of her.

I set off to find bianca

And hopefully "connect" with her mother.

The mom's hot? You see where this is going?

Bianca's mo--

Bianca's mother was busted.

Not good. Yeah, I know, in portugal. Wow.

Right, yeah, so now I'm forced to leave portugal.

On the flight home, I sit next to a wonderful woman

And have an eight-hour conversation,

And we truly connect. Mm-hmm.

The hot stewardess asked me

If I wanted another bag of peanuts.

King meets queen. I marry the sky waitress.

[ laughter ]

So, now, welcome home, my jealous wife.

Uh-oh!

Shortly after we wed, my wife finds out

About my 40-ish kids, and she's not happy.

Right.

To make matters worse, I don't get her pregnant.

My sperms only work in the lab. She wanted to bear children.

Soon after, I almost died -- poison.

Figured out that it was my wife that tried to poison me,

Using hyberzerbidome

That she had gotten some left over dosage.

I noticed 'cause my nipples started getting dark.

I noticed right away, because my areolas...Reconfigured there.

[ laughter ]

Okay. So, now my wife's in the clink.

Right.

She gets 25 to life, which leaves me all alone again.

Yeah.

I get one last shot.

My son denis from toronto calls me,

Telling me he needs me.

Turns out he's infertile. Oh, that's a side effect?

Yeah, my sperms might have got jacked up

From the hyberzerbidome. Wow.

Yeah, 'cause I was doming hard at that point.

'cause I was doming hard early -- 86 trials.

Right. Right. Talk about how you started

Getting into recreational hyberzerbidome.

Hyberzerbidome was also, like --

Kind of turned a little recreational, too.

Wow. Yeah. They called it 'bidoming.

"you show me someone's areolas,

I'll tell you if they're on hyberzerbidome."

You show me a dark areola, you know that they're on it.

Oh, my gosh, yeah.

[ laughter ]

It's time for me to get back to my roots

And donate sperms one last time...

To my son's wife.

[ laughter ]

I became a father and a grandfather

In a single stroke.

Finito.

[ laughter ]

I guess the question for you is, on a scale of 1 to 10,

How likely are you to recommend this memoir,

If it were published, to a friend?

I'll say an 8. You'll say an 8?

-I'll say an 8. -Wow!

You can't write this stuff, right?

[ ding! ]

-Here we go. -My name is sal.

Hi, sal. Nice to meet you.

Sal: Nice to meet you, as well.

I've had a very interesting life.

I wrote a novel. It's a biography.

Alright, sounds good.

Sal doesn't know what his story is, and here we go.

So...

"the re-bourne identity:

I was in witness protection 8 times."

[ laughter ]

Q: What?!

"the re-bourne identity:

I was in witness protection 8 times."

[ laughter ]

This is how it all began.

1983 was the year.

The song was "maneater" by hall & oates.

[ laughter ]

I was just a kid working as a cart boy

At wegmans in mahwah, new jersey.

Like all 18-year-old boys, I idolized my store manager.

Right.

Until the day I witnessed him dealing coke drugs.

[ laughter ]

Coke drugs.

I loved my boss so much, but I had to do the right thing,

And I snitched. Okay.

"chapter 3: Whoops."

[ laughter ]

Turns out the leone crime family,

The famous one that you are thinking of right now,

That's the one --

-She's not thinking of them. -[ laughing ]

...Was running a designer drug ring

Out of the frozen food section where I worked.

And their motto is --

And we know this from popular culture,

Television and probably books --

Snitches get murdered.

[ laughter ]

Snitches get murdered.

My whole family was at risk, naturally,

So we had to enter witpro.

[ laughter ]

You know, witpro. Witness protection. I shortened it.

They named me dud duckett of lima, ohio.

New life sucked. I had no friends.

I ballooned all the way up to 190.

[ laughter ]

I'm at a party and I think,

Maybe to score points with the ladies,

I'll tell the coke drug story.

Yeah. Yeah.

Some kid at the party snitches.

I got to re-witpro now.

[ laughter ]

So, witpro 2 -- mike anders.

I love my new life, finally,

But they give me an underpaid job

As a gas station attendee.

Against the feds' wishes,

I start moonlighting as a waiter

Because I need to make ends meet.

You know what I mean? Uh-huh.

One night, I bring menus to a table,

And I shit you not...

Hit "next"!

Okay, so...

[ laughter ]

His father! That's sal's dad! That's sal's dad.

At the table is vincent leone,

Of the leone crime family.

What is leone doing in lima, ohio?

He makes me, leone,

And now I got to re-witpro -- number three.

Yeah, yeah. No, I get it.

Joe: [ laughing ] "I get it."

I'm gonna tell you

A handful of my other identities right now.

Sal, this is a timeline. Just take her through it.

Thomas hammish -- got involved

With members of the rival crime family.

They told the leones my whereabouts.

Eamon grand -- had great seats at the world series,

Was on tv basically the whole game.

[ laughter ]

Terry leonardo -- I won the powerball.

I was on television. They saw my face.

Right into '98, I go leo curry.

I had a girlfriend.

She wanted to get married and I wasn't ready.

I called witpro. They got...

[ laughter ]

You okay?

The feds did me a favor on the last one.

And finally, theo samuelson,

And I went viral with a bmx --

[ muffled laugh ]

A bmx fail video? Yeah.

[ laughter ]

Yeah.

There's no closet to hide in. You're done!

The viral video was an epic fail.

I fell...

Crushed nuts and everything.

Crushed nuts hard on that. I crushed nuts hard on that.

[ laughter ]

On a scale from 1 to 10,

What is the score you would give this book

As far as a recommendation to others to read?

I would give it a 10. I mean...

Wow! Wow! Sal!

I mean, it's an unbelievable tale.

It deserves a 10.

Perfect score!

Narrator: Eh, fuhgeddaboudit.

Joe's tonight's big loser.

So, joe is our loser.

Well, actually, he was our loser,

But we already punished him.

So, we made joe wake up at 2:30 a.M. Every night

To give a local news and traffic report.

Local news at 2:30 in the morning?

Well, local to australia, which is where the traffic was.

-Oh. -[ laughter ]

That's right -- joe hosted "g'day mate"

Every day this week.

He woke up at 2:30 in the morning,

Reported the local traffic, played a didgeridoo,

Ate an australian meat pie, and went to bed.

Now, we weren't gonna get up that early,

So we're watching the first time with you right now.

I cannot wait to watch this.

[ alarm beeping ]

[ laughter ]

The dogs!

Q: Lookit, the dog's confused.

How many living creatures are on that bed right now?

Look at his hair.

So, you've been asleep four hours at this point?

Joe: At this point, I was asleep maybe four hours.

Oh, man.

[ theme music plays ]

Announcer: You are now watching "g'day mates" with joe gatto.

[ laughter ]

Welcome to "g'day mates."

I'm joe gatto.

Let's get to the local traffic.

[ laughter ]

Bankstown humes highway near chapel road,

There's a crash with a bus and car.

The ferry is out of service for routine maintenance.

Traffic may be heavier than usual in both directions

On the princes highway approaching kogarah,

As fans travel to and from [yawning] the stadium.

Oh, there's a game.

Now for some local sydney news.

Snail hunter stranded, stuck in mud.

This streamed live every night

When it was happening, correct?

Yeah.

The rescue mission was easy to find

For these two snail hunters.

Before we conclude our broadcast,

I will now enjoy a classic australian delicacy

Of a meat pie.

[ laughter ]

Microwave vegan meat pie.

[ keypad beeps ]

As we wait for the meat pie,

I will now play the didgeridoo.

[ laughter ]

[ didgeridoo blows ]

[ laughter ]

His whole family is two rooms over.

Murr: If people ever ask you how you pay your mortgage,

I want you to show them this shot.

[ laughter ]

[ microwave beeping ]

Oh, the microwave's done.

[ laughter ]

-Your ass crack is out! -His ass is hanging out.

♪♪

Sal: He's got to power through the whole thing.

Num-num.

[ laughter ]

So [bleep] stupid.

[ laughter ]

Thank you for watching "g'day mate."

I've been joe gatto.

I'll see you tomorrow.

[ theme music playing ]

Announcer: You are now watching "g'day mates" with joe gatto.

[ alarm beeping ]

[ laughter ]

Q: Oh, joe.

♪♪

[ alarm beeping ]

[ laughter ]

[ beeping stops ]

Murr: Bessie is not happy.

Oh, man. This is for a half hour every night.

[ theme music playing ]

[ laughter ]

-The clock's gone! -The clock's gone.

I didn't even notice the clock fell.

You pulled the paint off the wall!

Hello. You're watching "g'day mates" with joe gatto.

Let's get into the local traffic.

[ laughter ]

Greenwich pacific highway between campbell street

And anglo road has scheduled road work.

The ferry is out of service

Due to routine maintenance today in sydney west.

...Teger drive are the recommended diversions.

[bleep]'s a diversion?

[ laughter ]

Completely naked fugitive saved by mates...

The council put a temporary planning instrument

Over the property...

An update on public holidays in tasmania Friday...

[ laughter ] tasmania!

Here comes the meat pie.

[ didgeridoo blows ]

[ microwave beeping ] here it comes.

Ah!

♪♪

[ didgeridoo blows ]

[ laughter ]

He's got to cool it off.

Nothing says 3:00 a.M. Like a good ol' meat pie.

[ laughter ]

Thanks for watching "g'day mates" with joe gatto.

[ theme music playing ]

[ alarm beeping ]

This is crazy.

Good morning, everyone.

[ laughter ]

In arncliffe, the m5 east motorway...

...Road has scheduled road work...

[ yawning ] it's Wednesday or --

It's Wednesday or Thursday.

Teenage boy trapped after digging deep hole at the beach.

[ laughter ]

[ keypad beeps ]

[ didgeridoo blows ]

Sal: The sound matches your emotion.

[ microwave beeping ]

The dismount, I love it every time.

-Oh, man, you look rough. -Num-num.

[ laughter ]

Thank you for watching "g'day mates."

I've been joe gatto.

[ theme music playing ]

[ laughing ] look at him!

Announcer: You are now watching "g'day mates" with joe...

[ alarm beeping ]

[ laughter ]

♪♪

Oh, joe.

Elswick street, there's a broke-down car...

Ararongang road has scheduled road work bridge maintenance...

Numbats have not been seen in the new south wales wild...

Injuries force baz the ram

Into lounge room retirement after castration.

[ laughter ]

[ didgeridoo blows ]

I feel like your zest for the instrument

Has gone away.

[ microwave beeping ]

[ laughter ]

[ laughter ]

You missed the garbage?!

He missed the garbage bag.

For the final time, I'm joe gatto,

And you've been watching "g'day mates."

[ theme music playing ]

-Well done, joe. -Signing off.

Were you able to go back to sleep easy, or no?

No! I had a meat pie!

Announcer: Breaking news.

-Guys, breaking news! -Wait, what?!

Unfortunately, my time is up as the host,

But the show will continue with a new anchor,

Decided by the way we always decide everything.

The last one to say "not it" will be the new host.

-Not it! -Not it!

[ laughter ]

And that's how you play chess, not checkers, bitches.

I got to do this now?

Don't worry, I've got a didgeridoo you can borrow.

[ laughter ]