Original subtitles

[ sea gulls crying ]

[ ship horn blares ] all: Hey!

Hey, everybody, we're on the "impractical jokers" cruise

With thousands of your friends. Say hi, friends.

[ all cheering ]

Murr: That's right.

We're on vacation for a week with our fans,

And you're coming along for the ride.

We'll be counting down our top ten memories of other times

We've taken the show on the road.

So who's ready for a countdown?!

-Here we go! -Whoo!

[ tires screech ]

Sal: Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ laughter ]

Murr: Like a boss!

[ laughter ]

Sal: I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ laughter ]

Sal: Let's give the people what they want!

[ cheers and applause ]

This is amazing. This is crazy. Look around.

We're gonna have so much fun the next five days.

Who's ready to go on vacation with us?

[ cheers and applause ]

-[ laughs ] -nice!

Murr: You know, we have, uh, some celebrities on the boat.

I-I hear fat crow is on the boat somewhere.

Right? Bouncing around. -A.K.A. Karate tortoise.

I see the handsomest doctor. Dr. Frank right over there.

[ cheers and applause ]

Guys, it's the chicken-bone bandit!

-There he is! -Ohh!

Sal: Yeah, you son of a bitch!

And we got joey fatone. He's got a...

Where's he at?

[ cheers and applause ]

Who's ready for a countdown?!

[ cheers and applause ]

All right. Let's take a look at the number-10 travel moment

From the show.

♪♪

Howdy, y'all.

[ jokers laughing ]

Who am I?

"I'm rodeo champion of the world!"

I'm rodeo champion of the world!

[ feedback whines ]

[ jokers laughing ]

All right, buddy, go rope a calf.

All right. Got it.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Got it.

Joe: He corrected the way to hold the rope!

Here's the part q doesn't know about --

Texas justice. Murr: Yeah!

[ gate clangs open ]

Q: Whoa! Whoa! What the hell are you doing?!

What are you doing?! Get the hell away from me!

Get the --

[ cheers and applause ]

-Whoa! -Drag him!

What are you doing? Don't --

Are you kidding me?!

[ laughter continues ]

[ cheers and applause ]

Are you [bleep] kidding me?!

♪♪

What are you doing?

Okay... I'm gonna kill you.

-Champion of the world! -Champion of the world!

-Yes! -Yee-haw!

[ laughter ]

Joe: Yee-haw!

[ ship horn blares ]

You may not know this, but the "impractical jokers" cruise

Is the very same ship we filmed on years ago.

[ laughter ]

And this... Is where I got punished.

My name is james s. Murray, your master of ceremonies.

I used to sail with my dog.

She had beautiful brown eyes and a tongue that didn't quit.

[ jokers laughing ]

♪ here we go

[ cheers and applause ]

♪♪

All: "joker" cruise!

-That's a nice jingle vest. -Thank you.

Let's take a look at the next clip.

-[ laughs ] -shake!

[ bells jingling ] [ laughs ]

-This is my dream. -It is?

I'm not even kidding around. Like, my dream is to own

A hoveround, jazzy, or a rascal.

[ laughter ]

Uh...Hold on, hold on, hold on. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Come on, guys. I'm sorry. Sorry.

I'm just trying to help a pal.

[ laughter ]

♪♪

[ laughter ]

Excuse me. Do you know where collins avenue is?

Collin? Collin avenue?

[ jokers laughing ]

♪♪

There he goes.

See the guy on the phone.

Murr: Oh, no.

[ q laughing ]

-Get in closer. -Get closer. Get closer.

[ man speaking indistinctly ]

[ jokers laughing ]

Sal: About to die.

Q: Within an inch of the guy while he's on the phone.

It's a nice day, huh?

[ jokers laughing ]

Joe, your chair is voice-activated.

Joe: Chair, go forward. Chair forward.

Chair, sto-- chair. Chair.

Aw, come on. Come on, chair!

Chair, left! Chair, forward!

Forward, chair!

Chair, go forward! Forward!

[bleep] chair, stop!

♪♪

Chair -- oh, sorry. Chair, stop. Sorry.

My voice activation is all [bleep].

[ jokers laughing ]

♪♪

Joe: Welcome to the bellyflop contest, y'alls.

[ cheers and applause ]

This year, pizzazz is what we're looking for.

Joe, what about you? Style. Flair.

Flair. All the pizzazz.

If you're not gonna flop with pizzazz,

Get out of my pool.

Let's get this thing started.

[ cheers and applause ]

-Ohh! Okay. -That was nice.

-This is how we do it! -Yeah!

-Pizzazz! -Oh.

Fatone: Hey! [ laughs ]

I saw commitment, but I didn't see enough splash.

I would've gave it a 7 myself.

Joe: Here we go.

-Ohh. -That was a good one.

It's about technique! I hope you all learned something.

Joe: Here's -- fat crow is here.

[ chanting ] fat crow! Fat crow! Fat crow!

Fatone: Fat crow, fly!

Joe: Ohh!

That's how you do it right there!

-Ohh... -Oh, my god.

Joe: [ as borat ] I like!

[ cheers and applause ]

Fatone: Boom, baby!

And now enjoy the next clip

For "impractical jokers" countdown.

Q: So, joe is about to crash a cannonball contest on the ship,

Except he can only do belly flops.

[ indistinct conversations ]

Q: There he goes!

[ cheering ]

Ohh! Ohh!

That was painful!

Ohh! Joe, do it again, buddy.

Here we go.

[ crowd groans ]

[ laughter ]

The whole crowd goes, "ohh!"

[ laughter ]

Look at the difference between his back and his front!

Look, it's pale white and hot pink.

I'd be feeling so bad right now

If the three of us didn't have tattoos on us.

[ laughter ]

Man: Ohh!

♪♪

[ cheering ]

All the fervor and life is being sucked out of him.

Joe: Oh, god.

[ laughter ]

Dude, he's exhausted.

If he was a video game, the life meter would be blinking.

♪♪

[ crowd groans ]

He's done.

[ laughter ]

Murr: Here we go!

-Whoo! -Whoo!

[ cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Q: All right! Everybody, we thank you.

We gotta take a break for commercial.

We'll be right back with more special.

Whoo!

[ cheers and applause ]

Hello, everybody. Let's play some flip cup!

♪♪

Flip cuppery has begun.

This is for all the marbles.

-Woman: Come on! -Q: Ohh!

You better flip! Ohh...

Man: The pretenders! The pretenders win!

[ cheers and applause ]

How ya doin'?

My favorite travel moment was actually in orlando, florida,

When they visited fat one's.

It was actually one of the most exquisite moments of my life

Because they actually came to my restaurant

And messed around with people.

Take a look.

Joe: All right. Here we are at fat one's.

When do we start getting hot dogs?

-That's $5. -[bleep].

-[ laughs ] -can I get a hot dog?

Just get me one. -Want me to get it for you?

Yeah. Thanks.

Joe: Here comes fatone. He's just getting q a hot dog.

-What's up, man? -Hey. How you doing?

I'm joey. You guys enjoying your food?

-Yeah. -Awesome.

Hey, murray, tell fatone to bring me my hot dog back.

Mr. Quinn ordered a hot dog. Can you please get it for him?

Yes, I'm getting it for him. I'm waiting for it to be cooked.

Can I speak to you for a second? Come here.

[ laughter ]

-Get it together, man! -Dude --

You will be bounced out of this mall so fast!

Would you like me to -- when mr. Quinn wants a hot dog,

You get him a hot dog!

Fine. Just give me the hot dog then!

[ laughter ]

The problem is you have to learn how to talk to people.

[ laughter ]

♪♪

[ cheers and applause ]

Sal: It's luau night, baby.

Joe: And then we're gonna get lower and lower and lower!

♪ how low can you go?

♪ how low can you go?

How low? Holy [bleep]! [ cheers and applause ]

To luau night!

[ cheers and applause ]

Welcome back to our travel special.

Hey, you guys having a good time?

Joe: Come on! [ cheers and applause ]

Hell yes. Yes.

Let's have a look at the next clip.

Q: Guys. Guys, guys, guys.

Murray's cruise credit card.

[ laughter ]

There's no money on the boat.

You use this to buy everything. You guys want a drink?

[ both laugh ] you want a drink?

I'll be right back. Keep 'em coming.

Need three piña coladas, one non-alcoholic for my friend.

So, what am I doing?

Gentlemen, cheers.

-To james murray. -To james murray.

All right, james. Thanks. Here we go.

Sal: Hey, murr. Go under someone's lounge chair

While they're laying there.

Okay. I'll be right back.

[ laughter ]

Come on. I got his key.

Here we go.

-Oh. He's going, he's going. -He's in.

Q: Oh, my god.

Bro, you can't get caught. Remember, you cannot get caught.

♪♪

Sal: Get in good! [ laughs ]

His -- his chicken legs are shooting out the bottom!

Little does he know,

Joe's taking a [bleep] in his room right now.

[ laughter ]

A little privacy, please.

♪♪

Wow. He really did it! [ laughs ]

What'd I miss? [ both laugh ]

Did you [bleep]? Did you [bleep]?

Did you -- did you --

Let's just say I'm feeling much better.

[ laughter ]

Hey, murr, just so you know, while you were under there...

[ laughs ]

You left your room key back here.

[ laughter ]

So q bought a round of drinks...

And I just [bleep] in your room.

[ laughter ]

I should mention I didn't flush.

[ laughter ]

Ass [bleep]!

All: Wheel of doom!

Whoo!

Are you guys ready to continue the countdown

With the very next moment?!

[ cheers and applause ]

Sal: I think -- I-I think I'm gonna go --

[ cellphone rings ]

Joe: W-why do you have your phone out?

I just have a -- someone was calling.

[ laughter ]

Why is that funny? Why is that funny?

Someone was calling, and now it says "unknown."

[ cellphone rings ]

Oh, this might be the -- hold on. Hello?

What? Hold on one second, please.

[ cellphone rings ]

Joe: What's the matter? You getting a phone call?

Why does your phone keep ringing?

Why is your phone blowing up, bud?

♪♪

What the [bleep] is that?

[ cellphone rings ]

[ laughter ]

♪♪

Sal: Ohh!

Sorry about that.

We put your real phone number on a plane.

[ cellphone ringing ]

Sal: Oh. Oh! Don't ever call me here.

Don't -- oh, my god.

Oh, you [bleep]

Oh, no. Oh, no. Ohh.

[ cellphone ringing ]

Oh, my god.

Woman: [seductively] hi. Are you lonely?

[ laughter ]

Actually, for you, I might be lonely.

[ laughter ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

[ harp plays ]

♪♪

Please take a look at another clip.

There's no way to put this but just to say it.

[ laughs ]

We've dressed joe as a mermaid.

[ laughter ]

He has to crawl from the water to a plate of doughnuts.

I think the easiest way to do it is to use momentum.

[ grunts ] aah!

[ laughter ]

Q: It is so funny seeing him peek over the dunes.

Murr: It looks like a fat version of d-day.

Oh, my god.

Joe: Trying to get...

Be honest -- can you smell the doughnuts from there?

Oh, that's -- what's that? A glazed?

That's a glazed.

[ grunting ]

[ laughter ]

I'm dry-humping this thing.

I'll dry-hump my way to a doughnut.

[ laughter ]

[ grunts ]

[ laughter ]

I really want a doughnut, but my body is shutting down.

Sal: Stay, buddy. It's okay.

[ laughter ]

Joey, here you go, bud.

Here you go, bud.

Joe: Oh, the [bleep] sea gulls.

Get out of here. This one's mine!

Get out of here, you sons of bitches!

Get off me! Aah!

These are my doughnuts! Come on!

♪♪

Suck it!

♪♪

Murr: Hi, everybody. How you doing?

Do you want me to read a chapter from the new book?

Is that cool? [ cheers and applause ]

Chapter one of my new book, "obliteration."

But first, let's cut to commercial.

[ laughter ]

Hey, I'm dan cast,

"impractical jokers" assistant director.

Shooting this special.

Figured I'd take a minute and tell you my favorite

Travel moment at canter's deli in hollywood

When I pretty much had to save the day.

Joe: Alright, murr, we gave you a check.

Q: Don't look at it. Don't look at it.

We want you to drop that off to a table that's done.

Just drop it and go.

And here's the check. Whenever you guys are ready.

What could it be on that check?

Murr, is your mind racing?

[ laughter ]

-This is ready to go? -No.

-What's that? -I think that's the wrong one.

[ laughter ]

Joe: The check is about five pages long.

That'll be, uh, $3,293.

[ laughter ]

This is not yours?

-Excuse me? -What's that?

Does it have the sausage on it?

-Yes, yes, yes. -That's mine.

[ laughter ]

My apologies. This is his bill.

[ laughter ]

"does it have the sausage on it?"

That will be, uh, $3,293.

[ laughter ]

[ cheers and applause ]

Joe: Here we go.

♪♪

-Whoo! -Yeah!

♪♪

Hey, welcome back to "highlights from the high seas."

We are having a look back at all of our favorite

Travel-episode moments.

Let's have a look at number 4.

Joe: All right, sheriff.

We heard there was some trouble in the old nevada.

-The old nevada saloon? -How is this a punishment?

So far, I'm the sheriff of an awesome town.

You know what happens to sheriffs in old westerns, right?

All right. [ clears throat ]

Yo, word around here, buddy, is that you're a cheater.

Is that an ace?!

Murr: Oh, my god!

What are you gonna do about it?

Sal: [ laughing ] oh!

"I'm gonna kick your ass, partner."

[ joe laughs ]

Wha-- all right.

I tell you what I'm gonna do about it.

[ sal laughs ]

I'm gonna kick your ass, partner.

Oh, yeah? [ glass shatters ]

[ laughter ] where you going?

[ laughter ]

[ glass shatters ]

Q: No! No!

♪♪

[ glass shattering ]

You broke all my glasses!

[ glass shatters ]

[bleep] almighty! Oh [bleep]! Guys!

[ glass shattering ]

[ laughter ]

-Oh, my -- -ohh!

[ laughter ]

What the [bleep]?

[ chanting ] sal! Sal! Sal! Sal! Sal! Sal! Sal! Sal!

Oh, my god. I've dreamt of this moment my whole life.

[ laughter ]

25 seconds. Name a pizza topping.

-Pepperoni. -Enh!

Um, mushroom.

Name a type of sandwich.

Peanut butter and jelly.

-Name a school supply. -Pencil.

-All right. -Oh, my goodness.

-Here we go. -Is that up there?

[ ding ]

Man: Oh, my god! They won! Sal won! He did it!

[ can opens ]

Hi, everybody. How's everybody doing so far? Good?

[ cheers and applause ]

All right, well, guys.

Uh, raise your r&h beer. Raise it up.

And we're gonna give a toast to the next travel clip.

Guys, enjoy this one.

[ cheers and applause ]

Joe: You know, music's a big part of the culture here in hawaii.

So he's gonna do the -- he's on uke, I'm on drums.

Jam out, you two, hawaiian-style.

[ murr singing mock hawaiian ]

♪♪

♪♪

Start getting really hard with it.

Really hard and intense. Start doing the war cry.

Dak-dah!

[ laughter ]

Dak-dah!

[ laughter ]

Sal: You look insane! You look insane!

-[ murr's singing continues ] -dak-dah!

Dak-dah! Dak-dah!

♪♪

Hak-dah! Hak-dah!

[ laughter ]

Thank you.

Welcome back to the special. You join us at the relay race

Where it's a cut-throat battle with these children.

♪♪

Sal: On your mark! Get set!

Go! [ starter pistol fires ]

Go, go, go, go.

[ joe shouting gibberish ]

You feeling good?

You're not afraid of...Are you?

Fantastic. Go.

Team 2. Close enough. Close enough.

Go ahead. Close enough.

I'm trying to help you cheat. Close enough.

Sal: All right. Come on. Now we're doing the dizzy bats!

Joe: Dizzy bats. Oh, it's so close.

There you go. Well done. Well done.

-Ohh! -Oh! He's safe!

And he's safe.

And the balloon went for dramatic effect.

Let's take a look at another clip.

Ladies and gentlemen, you are in for the treat of treats.

Sal: Oh, god.

The mexican bog monster.

[ groans ]

You may ask yourself, "what does a bog monster eat?"

His absolute favorite is fish.

Q: Oh, raw fish.

Murr: Go get it! Go get it, bog monster!

Get it! Get it!

Go get it, bog monster! Get it!

Aah! [ growls ]

Get it, bog monster!

[ sal shrieking ]

Uh-oh!

Oh, my [bleep] god! Oh, my --

Q: Oh, my god! What's that?

-Oh, my god! -Alligator.

[ laughter ]

-[ whimpers ] -get back! Get back!

Oww! [bleep]

-That's not a helmet? -No!

Joe: Oh. But, see, now, the warm water --

It affects the bog monster, and, actually,

It's some form of arousal sometimes,

Where he'll stand up and start doing his mating dance,

Which is quite effeminate.

It's an effeminate mating dance.

I'm gonna kill you three.

[ laughter ]

[ burlesque music plays ]

[ laughter ]

[ music continues ]

-Yeah! -Ohh!

Q: Ohh! Ohh! It's attracted a mate!

Murr: It attracted another bog monster -- the mating dance!

A second bog monster! We've never seen this before!

[ laughter and applause ]

Sal: This is the worst day of my life.

[ laughter ]

Joe: ♪ it's time for traffic cam

♪ it's time for traffic cam what's up, y'all?

How we doing? [ cheers and applause ]

All right. So, let's get to some questions.

What do you say? [ cheers and applause ]

All right. "if you could be any animal other than a dog,

What kind would you be?"

Uh, I would be a hawk.

I just want to get up there and spread my wings.

[ laughter ]

And fly. Especially with this big beak.

[ laughter ]

Okay. Our countdown is almost over, so we have to take a break.

And when we come back, we will see the number-one

Travel moment from all of "impractical jokers" history.

♪♪

Hi, everybody. This is rob on the cruise.

I'm gonna throw you to my favorite travel moment

When I was flown across the country by sal

Just to mess with q.

I said that backwards. [ beep ]

Hi, everybody. This is rob on the "jokers" cruise,

Also known as the fat crow.

I just screwed that up, too. Damn it.

I'm here to tell you -- ah -- [ beep ]

I'm here on the cruise

Throwing you to the best moment of ever -- ah [bleep].

Can you help me untangle these two headphones?

They're impossible.

All right. Send him in! Send him in!

Here we go!

♪♪

Oh! Guys! Who did I fly in?

[ laughter ]

It's rob emmer! I flew him in last night!

Murr: Are you serious?

Sal! I need my job!

Come on, sal! Please! Please!

Please give me my job back! Please!

Please give me my job! Please!

He's not even pulling my pants down.

Pull the pants down. Pull the pants down.

Fine! I pulled the pants down!

[ laughter ]

♪♪

[ cheers and applause ]

Who wants to see the number-one moment?

[ cheers and applause ]

Sal: Yes! Yeah, let's give the people what they want!

Here is the number-one moment from the travel shows!

Yeah! [ cheers and applause ]

Guide: That street is called new york street.

New york street? That's a great spot

To stop the tram.

...Right out there. We actually utilize that --

Uh, the red assistance cord has just been pulled.

Murr: Q, when he comes over to you, you have to ask him,

"what time does the park close?"

[ laughs ]

Yes, sir? I'm sorry. I missed it if you said it.

What time does the park close?

Sir, that's actually not an emergency.

The park is gonna be closing today at 10:00.

Okay. I missed that. Thank you.

Okay.

-Ohh! -Oh, yeah!

-Murr: 3, 2, 1... -Together: Stop!

Guide: ...Get out of town.

Murr: Yeah!

♪♪

Yes?

Q: I just -- I missed what you said.

Sir, I will not entertain this any longer.

Hey, bro! You're wasting everybody's time!

-Joe: Wow! -Murr: Ohh!

Q: I wanna die.

Guide: At this point, we actually do have to skip

Through certain portions because now too many trams

Have passed in front of us.

-Stop! -Pull it!

Guide: ...Department. Gosh dang it, sir! Get out!

Sir! Get out! Can --

Can -- can we get security?

[ tires squeal ]

-This. -Which one? This guy?

You're coming out.

[ applause ]

♪♪

Bye!

Joe: Well done.

[ cheers and applause ]

Ah. There you got it.

"highlights from the high seas," everybody!

-Yes! -[ speaking indistinctly ]

-Beautiful. -Thank you so much, guys.

We love you guys, and we'll see you

On the next cruise when we talk about traveling.

Murr: Love you, guys.

I probably shouldn't have been up there.

[ ship horn blares ]