Original subtitles

Coming up, why is joe doing the camera roll?

Joe: I'm gonna come in hot.

[ laughter ]

Narrator: What's got murr learning the lingo?

Get woke.

I don't think that's how you use that.

[ laughter ]

Narrator: And which losing joker

Will get the piss taken out of him

In tonight's punishment?

-Oh! -Oh, my god!

Sal: Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ laughter ]

Murr: Like a boss!

[ laughter ]

Sal: I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ laughter ]

Joe: Just two fart-knockers getting it done.

♪♪

Today, we're playing photographers.

And we're snapping photos of new clients.

While taking snaps, we're gonna have to do

And say whatever the other guys tell us to.

And, of course, if you refuse to do anything, you lose.

Fellas, photo! Cheese!

When people trash-talk staten island,

This is what I want them to see.

Murr: This is like versailles.

This is -- this is better than versailles.

Because you don't have to fly to France to go.

Well, it's not better than versailles,

But, yes, I understand what you mean.

It's way better than versailles.

Joe: All right, here we go.

-Hello. -Hi. How are you?

Good. How are you?

Sal: "you may have heard of me.

I made my name as a very reviled paparazzo.

[ laughter ]

Yeah, this is great.

Uh, and thank you for agreeing to come do this.

Yeah.

You know, you may have heard of me.

I was the most reviled paparazzo in hollywood.

-Oh, god. -Yeah.

[ laughter ]

So I'm trying to change my reputation.

-Yeah, yeah. -Yeah.

"well, you're here, which means you haven't googled me."

[ laughter ]

Yeah, which -- you're here,

Which means you haven't googled me.

-No. -Great.

[ laughs ]

Just let me get the background here.

Now! Now!

Okay, now!

[ laughter ]

Great. Maybe we'll get a few water shots.

Perfect.

All right, and I'm going.

Okay. Yeah, great, great.

Let me go back.

Joe: She's telling you what to do.

Q, just let her boss you around.

[ laughter ]

Now, what should I do?

I'm not -- not kidding.

Now what should I do?

[ laughter ]

You want to do a sitting one?

I will do that. I will do that.

[ laughter ]

Oh, that's great.

Joe: Oh, uh, q, who's that

In the corner coming out of the bushes?

Is that your old assistant joe papio, who you fired?

Hey, bud.

Sal: Q, he follows you from shoot to shoot now.

Just stalking and harassing you.

It's a "fatal attraction" situation.

Okay. Really? You're showing up here now?

It's on the calendar.

[ laughter ]

Q: This is joe. He's -- he's my old assistant.

But don't look in that camera.

Don't -- don't take pictures of me.

[ camera shutter clicking ]

No, no, I got it.

Buddy, come on.

-Okay, I'll see you soon. -No, you won't.

[ laughter ]

Amazing.

Let me try and get some of that water popping in.

Joe: Now I want you to review a photo, q.

Oh, wait a minute. What's this?

Yeah -- oh.

Looks like there's a ghost in this photo.

Looks like there's a ghost in this photo.

[ laughter ]

Huh.

All right, let me try again.

Ah, you look amazing. That's great.

"oh, you look great, but the ghost blinked."

You looked great, but the ghost blinked.

Let me -- let me take one more. One more.

[ laughter ]

Oh, this is amazing. There you go.

3, 2, 1, boom.

Q, now look at it, go, "all right.

Well, the ghost looks great in this one, you not so much.

I'll photoshop it."

[ laughter ]

Yeah.

[ laughter ]

The -- the -- no, that's great.

That's good. That's great.

[ buzzer ]

[ laughter ] murr: There you go.

Sal: All right, joey's up.

You feeling photography?

Not yet.

Sal: [ laughs ]

-Here we go. -The return of joe.

Murr: There he is.

Joe the photographer.

Now I'm ready. Now I'm ready, boys.

Q: All right, here he is.

Joe: Nice to see you.

"name's frederique, but my friends call me rique."

My name is frederique.

Yes, my friends call me rique.

And yours?

Lawrence.

Larry?

Larry is your father.

I've been looking for that guy.

[ laughter ]

Okay, I'm just gonna take some test shots with the lighting.

"my -- my glasses are fake. They're for the look."

My glasses are fake. They're for the look.

"my hat is prescription."

[ laughter ]

Thank you. The hat's prescription.

[ laughter ]

[ camera shutter clicking ]

"yo, you just got rique'd."

[ camera shutter clicking ]

You've been rique'd.

[ laughter ]

"dust that rique off."

Dust the rique off.

Sal: "oh, I'm rique'ing all over you."

And I'm rique'ing all over you.

[ laughter ]

Come -- come this way, my friend.

Q: Joe just ask casually if there's any chance

He thinks he could catch a fish from the fountain

With one hand for a shot.

Any chance you think you could bare-hand a koi

Out of this fountain?

[ laughter ]

[ camera shutter clicking ]

Q: "we're the dream team, buddy."

We're the dream team, you and I, lawrence.

"just two fart-knockers getting it done."

[ laughter ]

Rique'ing out, baby.

Just two fart-knockers getting it done.

Yeah.

Q: "you've been rique'd."

[ laughter ]

You've been rique'd.

"oh, yeah, we're knocking the farts

Right out of each other."

I'm knockin' the -- knockin' the farts right out of you.

Two fart-knockers...

Knocking those [bleep] farts.

[ laughter ]

Joe, uh, you see on the ground over there

We put a rolling board?

Oh god. Okay, let's have you...

Want you to, you know, roll around, take some shots.

Q: There it is.

If you don't mind, I want some motion,

And I want to be a little lower.

[ grunts ]

A little bit.

Perfect.

I'm gonna come in hot.

Q: That's hot?

[ camera shutter clicking ]

[ laughter ]

Keep going. I like the natural.

Q: He's having so much trouble.

You've been rique'd, you fart-knocker.

[ laughter ]

You've been rique'd.

[ ding! ] [ laughter ]

Murr: Very impressive.

♪♪

Joe: Here we go, buddy.

Hey! How are you?

I'm james. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, bryce.

Come on in, please.

Oh, my god. He looks like he's from hanson.

Murr: We're gonna be bouncing around, taking photos

Throughout the whole gardens.

Murr, he just took the scarf off, go,

"whoa. Lot of neck."

[ laughter ]

Oh, you took the thing off, because now it's, whoa,

A lot of neck, you know?

No, leave it off, leave it off, leave it off.

[ laughter ]

Joe: Murr, we've hidden dan cast

Holding a bottle of water somewhere.

Find it and take a sip.

[ laughter ]

Let's just get a quick sip of water.

One sec.

[ laughter ]

So, what kind of photos have you done before?

Q: It's like something from "willy wonka."

That's great. That's excellent.

[ laughter ]

-Slowly. -Slow return!

[ laughter ]

Murr, I want this guy running, and you take pictures.

Y-- [ laughter ]

Let's -- let's run around together.

Let's do it. Okay?

Great. Let's do it.

And this way. Here we go.

[ camera shutter clicking ]

[ laughter ]

Sal: He looks like a wild stallion.

♪♪

[ laughter ]

Joe: Look at murr's bald spot!

[ laughter ]

Sal: The juxtaposition of this greek god versus murray's...

His scalp blowing in the wind.

[ laughter ]

It's great.

Joe: "all right, you've inspired me."

You inspired me with an idea.

"I'm gonna hide in bushes."

I'm going to hide...

Joe: And just snap away.

...In bushes.

I'm gonna hide in bushes and try to get candids

As you amble. I love that.

Okay? Great.

You love it. Great.

Okay.

Joe: Murr, just start taking pictures of him.

[ laughter ]

[ camera shutter clicks ]

Q: [ laughs ]

♪♪

[ camera shutter clicking ]

[ laughter ]

Look at the bushes rustling!

It's like "jurassic park"!

[ laughter ]

[ camera shutter clicking ]

Joe: He's trying to catch him.

[ laughter ]

Joe: Stand up and go, "where are you?"

Where are you?

[ laughter ]

That's great. Let's get some wider shots.

Okay. So, ready? And...

Great shot.

"you look like a [bleep] nosferatu."

[ laughter ]

Yeah. Okay.

In this -- in this one, you look like...

Q: A [bleep] nosferatu. Come on!

[ laughter ]

Light's changing a lot.

Q: You can't! [ laughter ]

Sal: He can't say it.

Is this on already?

Holy [bleep]

Sal, the first thing I want you to say

To this model is, "hey, my name is sal.

My pronouns are he/him."

Okay.

"and my adjectives are 'fat' and 'jazzy.'"

[ laughter ]

Q: Let's photo, baby! Just lead with that.

Oh, lord. All right.

Joe: Here she comes, sal.

That's sal.

Oh, hey.

Hi. How are you?

My name is sal.

Yasmin, pleasure to meet you.

My pronouns are "he" and "him,"

And my adjectives are "fat" and "jazzy."

[ laughter ]

Let's photo, baby!

"oh, I was hoping you'd be completely shaven."

Oh.

[ laughter ]

Yeah. Okay.

Murr: [ laughing ]

[ chuckles nervously ]

[ laughter ]

Let's photo, baby!

Joe: "oh, I was hoping you'd be completely shaven."

Oh.

[ laughter ]

Yeah. Okay.

[ chuckles nervously ]

Murr: [ laughing ]

I was hoping you'd be completely shaven.

Oh.

[ laughter ]

I know that someone coming

Is supposed to be like beautifully shaven on top,

But actually, I love this.

"in fact, I'm gonna fire that other model right now."

I might even -- you know, what?

Hold on a second.

[ laughter ]

Murr: Sal, just say, "hey, siri. Fire model."

Joe: "fire bald model"?

[ laughter ]

-"hey, siri." -hey, siri.

It got him! -"hey, sir, fire bald model."

Hey, siri.

Fire bald model.

[ laughter ]

She got fired on the way.

Just be you. Nothing, really.

I just want to kind of capture a little bit.

Thanks so much.

Q: "quick question. Just for inspiration purposes."

Quick question, just for inspiration purposes.

"how much grass would you be willing to eat

Before I had to start paying you extra?"

[ sighs ]

[ laughter ]

Murr: What?

Um...

[ laughter ]

How much grass would you be willing to eat

Before I had to pay you extra?

What?!

Really?

Wow. I thought I had a really original idea there.

[ laughter ]

Sal, could you yell out, "hey, bridget,

Could we get hair and makeup to do a touch-up?"

Hey, bridget?!

Bridget, could we get a hair-and-makeup?

Do you mind if I just give you a little powder?

Here comes bridget, sal.

Joe: You needed hair and makeup?

Murr: [ laughs ]

Sal: Yeah, just gonna do hair and makeup real quick.

-It's hot out here. -No.

Joe: You're a little shiny, yeah?

[ laughs ]

T-bone you.

[ laughter ] have a great shoot.

[ laughter ]

Yeah, I was shiny so...

[ ding! ]

Narrator: Picture this -- murr and q

Are first up on the loser board.

All right! Today we're competing

Head-to-head as kids television producers,

And we're presenting our new ideas

For children's programming.

The goal is to convince the room

That your cartoon is, as the kids say, lit.

The catch is, we don't know what we're pitching,

Because our animations were made up by these looney toons.

At the end, we'll ask them who had the better idea.

Whoever has the best idea wins.

Lit.

-Hi. Welcome -hi. How are you?

-Have a seat. -Hi. I'm james murray.

-Nice to meet you. -Thank you for coming. I'm joe.

Nice to see you guys. So, we develop

Children's animated tv shows.

Joe made murr's, murr made joe's.

Neither of them has seen any of them.

-I'll start us off. -Yeah.

Here you go. "can't bears."

Q: [ chuckles ]

"little kids always struggle with being good enough.

Well, what if they can't?

Enter the can't bears, who teach them

Failure is inevitable and part of life

And they should just get used to it.

Much like the children watching, these bears just can't."

Q: [ laughs ]

I can't wrap my mind around this.

We got a bear for that. -Oh, you do?

Yeah. [ laughter ]

So, these are each of the bears here.

So this bear cries a lot.

This one is hurt and unable to do any activities.

This one has just given up all hope.

She's just surrendered here.

Q: It's a white flag.

[ both laugh ]

And has also seems to have peed herself.

Q: [ laughs ]

In all honesty, I feel like this is a show

I would watch just myself.

[ laughs ] okay, okay.

I feel like it should've existed already.

Oh! Whoa!

Wow.

Give me an example of, like, an episode.

There's an episode where she has to go to the mall,

And the escalator's broken.

There's only a huge staircase.

So she has to go home.

So, what gets done?

Not much, because they can't.

[ laughs ]

The next idea is --

Here we go -- "rate my mom."

[ both laugh ]

Murr: "these bodacious-bodied moms

And their smart-aleck sons have tons of adventures

With gentleman suitors,

Both real and imagined.

Which mom rates as the hottest?

It changes every week, depending on the fella --

Or dame -- so go make sure to tune in to find out

Who the mailman, garbage man, lunch lady, and genghis khan

Selects as their date."

Okay. Uh, question.

Yeah.

Why is genghis khan in there?

[ both laugh ]

Q: Oh, great.

Murr, do that thing where you start getting frustrated.

It's for children.

[ both laugh ]

You're not getting it. It's for children.

I -- I love it.

-It's my favorite. -My favorite thing he does.

My favorite thing he does is that.

I mean, kids already do this, keep in mind, right?

They all talk about their moms,

And especially get a little older, you're like,

"oh, my mom's the hottest," whatever.

Kids do this.

Uh, what type of childhood did you have?

Uh, ooh, well...Balanced.

[ both laugh ]

You're watching him crash and burn.

Where are the dads?

I mean, joe this is 2020. They could be single moms.

Get woke.

I don't think that's how you use that.

[ laughter ]

Do you want to take a vote?

Uh, actually, I feel like we're all

Gonna vote for "can't bears."

Joe: Yeah.

[ both laugh ]

He's taking it into his own hands!

Just raise your hands. It's "can't bears," right?

Yeah, thanks.

All right, good job, though, buddy.

[ laughter ]

Sal: Amazing.

-How you guys doing? -Pretty good.

Sal: We're gonna be talking about potential

New animated series for cable network television.

Sal has made q's cartoons.

And q has made all of sal's.

Murr: What you got, sal?

♪♪

"stfu mum."

[ both laugh ]

So, uh, yeah.

[ laughter ]

Sal: We're gonna be talking about

Potential new animated series.

Murr: What you got, sal?

♪♪

"stfu mum."

[ both laugh ]

"a british mommy permanently loses her voice

After her son tells her to shut the [bleep] up."

[ both laugh ]

"whoa! Little british child davey has some powers.

He just took away his mummy's nagging voice.

Davey realizes that his words are like slaps and karate kicks.

Mean words make him strong like superman,

And he fights bad guys with his weapons of hate speech."

[ both laugh ]

"who else can he tell stfu?

How about his preschool teacher?

What about his idiot football coach?

How about his crying baby sister?

If daddy can't hear her crying,

That means more davey-daddy time.

[ both laugh ]

Joe: Look at his face!

"shut the [bleep] up, mum" is set in the u.K.

To elevate the show and make it fancier.

Murr: [ laughs ]

This also capitalizes on the success

Of the so-called "harry potter" series.

[ both laugh ]

"so-called"!

What is the other hate speech he uses?

[ both laugh ]

He's not like a tiny racist running around, right?

Yeah, he -- so --

This one, it did say "his weapons of hate speech."

Look at sal! He losing it!

[ laughs ]

I don't like little boys growing up

Telling women to shut the [bleep] up.

Well, not women. [ both laugh ]

A lot of the examples you listed is his mother.

Well, mum is the main character. That's his mom.

It's not a woman. It's his mother figure.

It could've been his dad.

Jean is the voice of reason.

Reason.

Oh, he's gonna tell his dad "shut the [bleep] up," too.

-Oh, he will? -Oh, yeah.

But the title of the show is "mum." yeah.

I tell you what -- q didn't even go yet.

They could take the vote right now and q would win.

[ laughs ]

Now, think you guys are really gonna like this one.

Yeah, that's -- that's my boy grim grab.

-Grim grab. -Grim grab.

Q: Follow the adventures of grim grab,

The terrible troll, with the skeleton arm,

That kidnaps children both good and bad

And leaves a trail of wailing parents in his wake.

Right? Right there.

Murr: Oh!

Watch grim grab take kids from their homes

All to feed himself and his grim, ghoulish family.

[ both laugh ]

He eats them?

[ both laugh ]

I mean, so grim grab...

-Yeah -...Takes kids good or bad.

Yeah. That's very specific.

That's a pretty existential terror.

There's, like, no moral compass.

It's like any child can be grabbed.

Now you're cueing into it,

And I'm wondering is that Saturday-morning programming?

Yes, this is for kids, but, hey, if you're --

If you're, you know, with the jazz cabbage

On a Saturday night with your friends,

Hanging around having a little fun,

And you come upon "grim grab," and adults enjoy it, too...

Uh, uh...

[ both laugh ]

Why is he eating them?

Hmm. That's a big one.

[ laughter ] I noticed.

[ laughter continues ]

-Let's take a vote. -Well, here we go.

By show of hands, if you would like to see

"grim grab" go forward...

Yeah, I'm gonna go with "grim grab."

-"grim grab"?! -"grim grab" for the win!

Somebody's gotta get eaten.

[ both laugh ]

Narrator: Sal and murr's cartoons were cancelled,

Making murr tonight's big loser.

-All right. -All right!

Murr, you're our big loser tonight.

-Yes. -It's a fact everybody knows

That you're getting wifed up very shortly.

Yes. I'm getting married, gentlemen.

Joe: Yeah, the nuptials are coming.

And you got your boys here to throw you a bachelor party.

I had one already.

Q: Well, not like this.

So, we have a sexy nurse, and...

He is going to put a catheter in you.

[ laughter ]

And he's actually a doctor. A male doctor.

Oh, no. No! You can't do that!

Q: Oh, I can't do it.

That's why we have a professional.

No, no!

Like, the thing that goes...

-Yeah, yeah! -Oh, my god!

This is crossing -- why -- no!

[ laughter ]

Joe: There he is. The doc.

Q: All right.

What does this mean? What does it do?

The catheter is inserted into your bladder

Through your penis to drain urine.

This is [bleep] up. [ laughter ]

Murr: You gotta talk me through this.

Is there a lasting effect?

The longest-lasting thing will be the, um...

National broadcast on the television

For the rest of eternity. [ laughter ]

All right, murr -- drop 'em.

All right, buddy. [ laughter ]

Dr. K: It's gonna be fine. You're in good hands.

Q: Literally.

-Is the hog out? -The hog's out.

-The hog's out? -We're good.

Murray's on a chaise lounge, outdoor furniture.

We're watching him get a catheter.

[bleep] weird.

I'm starting to regret this a little bit myself.

Dr. K: Okay. So, murr, I'm now about to begin.

-Holy shit! -Oh, my god!

Murr: That's what you're putting in?!

Dr. K: Yeah.

You see the length of this thing?!

Wait, wait, wait! Hold on!

Look at me in the eyes, murr.

Murr: I can't. I can't even look at him.

Murray, look at me, murr.

Murray, it's part of the punishment --

Look me in the eyes.

Sal: [ laughs ]

Look me in the eyes.

Dr. K: All right, so just -- you need to just kind of relax.

I am now going to insert a catheter

In your below-average-size penis, okay?

[ laughter ]

Just relax. It's okay. Deep breaths.

You're gonna be fine.

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Oh, my god. I can't even imagine.

Murr: Oh, my god!

-Oh! -Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Dr. K: You're doing great. I'm almost done.

[ whimpering ]

Ow!

Dr. K: That's it. We're done.

Yeah, murr! Attaboy!

Dr. K: You did a great job.

I'm just peeing in a tube.

Oh, my god. This is crazy.

I feel like we've done something bad.

Ah.

Oh, my god. You probably don't want to do anything, right?

No, of course not.

Yeah, but we have fun activities planned.

It's your bachelor party.

All right. Get on with the next --

Wait, wait, wait. Isn't there a zip line around here?

[ laughter ] no way. There's no way.

There's a zipline right around here.

Joe: All right, murr.

Has anyone -- anyone -- ever ziplined

While holding their own catheter?

No. No, ever.

Yeah. The good news is,

You can't piss your pants.

I'm afraid it's gonna pop out.

Good luck, murr.

-Oh, god. -Here he goes, here he goes.

♪♪

Oh, my god, I can't believe it!

Sal: Oh, my god, he's going so fast!

-Oh, god. -Here he goes, here he goes.

All right.

Good luck, murr.

I'm afraid it's gonna pop out.

Oh, my god, I can't believe it!

-[ grunting ]

Joe: Oh, he picked his feet up!

Sal: Oh, my god, he's going so fast!

Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

[ all groaning ]

You did it, buddy!

-Oh. -Is it in?

-It's in! -Yeah!

-It's still in! I did it!

-Oh, my god. -Wow!

Let's get it outta you. Come on.

Q: Come on, pal.

I'm never losing again.

Guys, best bachelor party ever.

[ laughter ]

Now get this the [bleep] outta me!

Let's get the doctor to take it out, sal.

Uh, the doctor had to leave.

He did, he did. So...

Is there a nurse in the house?

Is there a nurse that could...?

[ laughter ]

Oh, no.

[ laughter and applause ]

Say hello to melissa, murr's beautiful fiancée.

This cannot be the weirdest thing

That the two of you have done together.

-Let's be honest. -It's one of them.

[ laughter ]

I just want to say I love you so much.

[ laughter ]

-This is very romantic. -This is gonna last, guys.

Thank god melissa's studying to be a nurse,

Because he would have to keep this in for days.

It's crazy, right?

-Yeah. -I know.

Lay down, please.

Melissa did mention she failed this class.

[ laughter ]

Have you ever done this before, babe?

-Yes. -You have?

Q: Now he's getting pissed.

How many guys have you done this before to?

-Are you ready? -I can't look, I can't look,

I can't look, I can't look. -Deep breath, deep breath.

-Aah! Aah! Aah!

-Is it out? -It's out.

Yeah, murray! -Yay!

What a bachelor party.

-Will you marry me? -Yes.

Aww. And they lived happily ever after.

[ alarm beeping ] joe: Oh.

Joe, your alarm's going off.

Oh, my alarm's going off. It must be time for your

Semi-semi-semi-annual prostate exam.

Did someone say "prostate exam?"

No! [ laughter ]

No, no, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no! No! No!

I thought I heard someone say prostate exam.

Did someone say "prostate exam"?

No, dr. Frank! No!

Enough! Enough!

You can't do both!

[ laughter ]

Oh, my god.

-Dr. Frank has returned... -Dr. Frank.

...To check you out, buddy. You're about to get married.

We gotta make sure you're in good health.

I just want you to know I refused to do the other thing.

-You did? -I did.

-Why? -I thought that would tax

The relationship just a little bit.

[ laughter ]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right. Just do it.

[ laughter ]

Jesus, frank. Come on, frank.

We're gonna take a deep breath.

Aah! Aah! [ laughter ]

This is the best bachelor party I've ever been to.

[ laughter ]