Original subtitles

Your assignment this weekend, class, is to think of something that is a mystery

to you and see if you can solve it, okay?

Now let's use the last few minutes of class today to decide on your topic.

Oh, boy.

So have you guys decided on a mystery yet?

Uh, no.

We're not going to do it.

Yeah, yeah. It sounds too hard.

I just like to relax on the weekend, you know?

Come on, guys. This should be easy.

There's mysterious things happening around us every day.

You know, some people have become rich and famous just by solving mysteries.

For example, this morning, would there be anything that you didn't understand

found interesting?

He said morning wood.

Morning wood.

Hmm.

It's kind of racy, but I have to agree, it is a bit of a mystery.

Okay, I'll approve your idea about morning wood, but only if you take it

seriously, okay? And approach your topic from a scientific standpoint.

Hey, Beavis, if we discover the mystery of Morning Wood, we will be famous the

world over.

Whoa,

check it out. Someone's getting on a chair, buddy.

Maybe there's gonna be a hanging.

Uh, it's just someone standing on a chair, Beavis.

You automatically think someone's gonna hang himself?

Ah, yeah, I guess I'm just, uh...

Whoa, I just saw a boob, Butthead. Check it out.

You always think you're seeing a boob like that. It was probably just an elbow

or something.

No way, Butthead. It was a boob.

Well, so what? You only thought for like a second or something. What's so great

about that?

Well, a second is better than nothing.

No, it isn't. It sucks.

Damn it, Butthead. Why do you always have to tear down everything good in my

life?

Because your life sucks, Beavis.

Your life...

fucks and nobody likes you.

Really? I don't really give a crap.

You don't have any friends.

I have a little special friend.

Yeah, shut up, Viva.

Your special friend probably hates you, too.

No way, butthead. You wish.

Ah, she's got blood in her eye. Oh, that's a freaky butthead. I don't want

watch this. Come on, change it.

Viva, you're a wuss.

Damn it.

Someone should help her.

They should just, like, stop having the video and just, like, go help her.

She's all beat up.

I, like, feel all sorry for her and stuff.

Kind of freaking me out.

Hey, guys, what's happening?

Uh... We need some of your, like, scientific stuff.

Yeah, yeah.

We're, like, doing a scientific experiment.

And, um, we're gonna need to take some of your stuff.

Wow, cool.

What are you doing?

Um, we're gonna find out how come, like, you know, in the morning... Ow!

Shut up, dumbass. It's top secret.

Oh, yeah. Sorry about that.

Uh, we can't tell you, because, like, then we'd have to kill you.

But once we're, like, rich and famous... Then we'll kill you. I mean, I mean,

tell you. Come on, Beavis.

Let's get the stuff and get out of here.

Well, um, what do you think makes it happen?

Uh, I don't know.

That's why we're doing this, dumbass.

Um, because I was thinking, like, maybe there's, like, a morning wood fairy. You

know, like the tooth fairy.

Morning wood fairy?

You mean, like, with a magic wand or something?

Damn it,

Beavis, quit screwing around. We've got scientific work to do.

Besides, there's no such thing as fairies.

Fairies are for dill holes.

Well, that fairy in Peter Pan had a pretty nice butt.

Gave me a boner.

Just think, Beavis.

By the time the sun comes up, we will have solved the mystery of Morning Wood.

We could rule the world.

Yeah, yeah. We're gonna be rich.

And get chicks, yeah.

Uh, are you sure we've got everything?

Um, yeah. We've got, like, Stuart's science stuff, and some, um, food, and,

some, um, stuff.

Uh, what's that?

Uh, what? Um, nothing.

Uh, come on.

Give me that, Beaver. No!

Whoa, cool.

Spank magazine.

April.

Cool.

Check out page 63.

Damn it, Beavis, this isn't scientific.

It'll only give us artificial stiffies.

Now we've got serious work to do.

Whatever you do, don't fall asleep.

Okay, here we go.

Chinese. I think that's that Connie Schlong chick that called the

mom a bitch on TV.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh, a cardboard box.

But sex?

That guy's wearing his mom's coat.

I think that's your mom's coat, Viva.

I think he's wearing it to show that he did her.

Oh, yeah.

What a slut.

Oh, look, they're all wearing them.

I have one of those coats in my closet right now.

You know, you should go easy on my mom, okay?

Isn't she already easy enough?

Enough!

I'd like to talk about roller coasters for a minute.

Uh, okay, Beaver.

You know, like, sometimes when you're on a roller coaster and it feels like your

nads are floating inside your sack?

Uh, yeah.

Well, um, that gives me a special feeling.

I also get that on elevators sometimes.

Uh, oh yeah, me too. I kind of get a special feeling in my butt cheeks when

elevator goes down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That looks kind of like Conan O 'Brien.

Oh, yeah.

I heard he has a gigantic schlong. Uh, no, you're thinking of me, Beaver.

No, I was thinking of me, actually.

I had a dream about page 63.

Did you see anything?

No.

I had a dream I got a stiffy.

Maybe Morning Wood is supposed to be a mystery. It's like the secret is too

dangerous.

You know, it's like I'm just glad it happened.

Yeah.

I never wanted to be a scientist anyway.

Science. Fucks. Yeah, not really.

Let's go break something.

Yeah.

Like, maybe later.

More than a feeling!

I woke up this morning, the sun was gone.

Oh my, then it slipped away!

That song's stupid.

Hey, get a haircut, hippie!

Yeah, this isn't the 60s, dill hole.

My uncle didn't go to Vietnam!

Just so you could walk around with long hippie boy hair with your shirt off.

Damn it.

Your uncle never went to Vietnam, Beavis. He was in jail.

I know, I know. That's what I said.

My uncle didn't go to Vietnam so you could have long hair. See?

That's what I meant.

You're a stupid, dumb bunghole, Beavis.

I am not.

Shut up. I think this is supposed to be like... Freaking us

out, but I'm on freak.

Yeah, yeah, really.

In fact, this video is, like, making me feel totally normal.

Yeah, yeah, I mean, this is, you know, just a normal video like you always see,

really. Yeah, it's like, you know, if I turned on the TV and this was on, I'd

just go like, yep, that's what I thought I was going to see.

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