Original subtitles

My name is Mr. Candy.

My, what a nice looking group of students.

Who can tell me what I'm holding in my hand?

Uh, your nads?

No,

my right hand.

Is it a candy bar?

It's more than just a candy bar.

It's the future of your school.

Now, who'd like a candy bar?

Who would like a hundred candy bars?

Because I've got them here with me today, and I plan on giving them all

But there's a candy bar. I'm not giving them to you to eat.

I'm giving them to you to sell.

Selling candy is a fun way to help yourself and the school.

All right, losers.

Remember, you are competing against other classes, and I'll be damned if my

class is going to lose.

Hey, yo, homie. How much you give me for this?

This right here?

This ain't worth nothing, man, but I will give you one on the radio.

How come Coolio has to sell stuff to me? I thought he was like a big, rich rap

star. Yeah.

It's like all these rap dudes always get ripped off by the man.

Really? That sucks.

They gotta find the man, you know, like find out where he lives. You don't have

to go beat the crap out of him. Yeah, really.

Whoa,

check it out. Yeah.

Young Coolio.

Coolio. I am Coolio.

Coolio rule.

This kind of reminds me of that Stanford and Son show.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I remember that show.

That's just how fun it is.

Come on. Come on. I'm going to have a heart attack.

This is the big one.

Weezy, I'm coming to see you.

Yeah.

He was cool.

I like that show because there was, like, lots of garbage everywhere.

Yeah.

That was a black dude. It's like...

I'd grow my hair into, like, a really big afro, like, three feet tall and

and then I'd cut out a big hole in the middle, like, just to keep stuff, you

know? Yeah.

You know, I could put, like, some nachos in there, you know, my keys, you know,

stuff like that.

That would be cool.

You ought to just, like, keep all that stuff in your butthole, Beavis.

Oh, yeah.

Now, our candy bars are personalized with your school's name on the wrapper,

they're a real bargain at only $2 each.

Heck, they practically sell themselves.

Now, what if I told you that the richest man in the world... Well,

you two seem to be real know -it -alls.

Why don't you tell us what you're going to say when a customer says no?

I'd say... Well,

I wish you luck, but it seems we're out of time.

Yeah? Uh, are schools making us sell candy?

Yeah. We're losers.

What in the hell kind of sales approach is that?

You boys couldn't sell a dollar for 50 cents.

Uh, they're two dollars, sir. Yeah, don't try to rip them off. Butt wipe.

Hmm.

Well, I've only got two dollars.

Buy one from me.

No way, buy one from me. Cut it out. Get out of the way. I'll, like, sell mine

for half price, sir.

Yeah, yeah, me too.

Half price?

Well, now you're talking.

Here, why don't I take one from each of you?

You boys better start charging full price. I'm sure your school can't afford

lose money.

Selling stuff sucks.

Yeah.

Hey, Beavis.

I'll buy one of your candy bars for a dollar.

No way.

They're two dollars.

Uh,

then can you, like, loan me a dollar?

No way, because then you'll have, like, two dollars and I, like, won't have any.

Come on, Beavis. I'll buy one from you.

That way you'll sell a candy bar plus you'll have two dollars.

Um, okay.

Cool.

Let me have some. Come on.

No way.

I'll sell you one for two dollars.

Okay.

This town sucks.

We're never going to sell any candy.

Hey, buddy.

You're going to try one of these. I got peanuts. It's really good.

Oh, yeah?

Cool.

Hey, Beavis. Want to buy a candy bar from me?

Um, okay.

Wanna buy one from me?

Uh, okay.

Selling candy's pretty cool.

Yeah.

This is horrible.

Yeah, really.

Bunch of rich kids, sissy boys, prancing around on a boat. Yeah.

Whoa,

check it out. Don Henley.

I didn't know he was a wolf.

You didn't?

Where have you been, Viva? He's a total wolf.

Really?

Yeah.

Anytime you see a dude on TV and he's, like, trying to save some forest or

something, it means he's a total wussy. Really?

Yeah. Let me see.

Sting, yeah, he's a wuss.

Let's see.

Well, Ted Danson, yeah, he's a wussy. Yeah.

And don't forget Jackson Brown.

Look at that. He's, like, fiddling around with a dead guy's boots.

Whoa. That's scary, Butthead. What if after I die, like, some guy comes around

and fiddles around with my wiener?

Well, what, Beavis? You'd be dead. It doesn't matter.

Yeah, I guess so.

I guess if I was out in the ocean with a dead chick, I'd probably kiss her.

I'd kiss a dead chick right here.

Yeah, so would I, yeah.

But that's kind of messed up, Butthead. I know. I was just kidding, Beavis.

You were probably serious.

Well, no.

Not really.

Excellent job, class.

Hey, butthead, remember that dollar I borrowed to you?

Uh, oh, yeah.

I remember it.

Yeah, me too.

Um, oh, yeah, I, like, need it back.

Well, boys, let's see. The big sellers.

How'd you do?

We sold every one of them, dude.

Yeah, they practically sold themselves.

Well, maybe there's hope for you yet. Don't touch me, asswipe!

So, where's the money? Right here, dude.

There you go.

That's it?

There'd better be a hell of a lot more money than that, boys.

Nope, that's all of it, dude.

Two dollars.

Yeah, you can count it if you want.

I don't believe you.

I want you to give me everything you've got in your pocket.

Hey, Beavis, he wants what's in your pocket.

You're a pocket fisherman.

Oh, no, you're not going to pull that again. It took me six months to get

another job. Now give me the rest of the money, you little twerp. He's trying to

touch my wiener. Let go, pervert.

Kick him in the nads, Beavis. You too, you little tarter. What the hell are you

doing? This is my class.

Wait your turn, jarhead.

You just made a fatal mistake, Mr. Candy Ass.

I hope you know something about hand -to -hand combat.

Oh, you're going down, soldier boy.

Whoa.

This kind of rocks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like long hair and drum.

Yeah.

You can't lose with that.

There should be more bands like this.

There's about a million bands like this, Viva. I know, I know. There needs to be

more.

There should be one of these speed metal bands like everywhere.

Like in the mall and, you know, like...

I guess that would be pretty cool.

They should have, like, something in your house where you can just, like,

it on and see a band like this and, like, turn it up really loud.

That's a good idea, Beaver.

You'd think they would have come up with something like that by now. Yeah, yeah.

I should, like, go to shop class and, like, work on it.

Whoa, check out all that money.

Yeah, yeah, money, money, money.

I wonder if all that money is, like, the band's money or if they just had to,

like, go rent it to make this video.

We should, like, rent some money and then just go, like, spend it on stuff.

Yeah. You're full of good ideas today, Viva.

Yeah.

You see?

You should listen to me once in a while, dumbass.

Viva, I got a good idea.

Shut up.

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