All language subtitles for Very Important People s01e13 Very Important Bonus Content

Active.

It's me.

One second.

I don't know how I can make this more
clear. It's half coffee, half good

evening. I'm Vic Michaelis.

Nope. Good evening. Nope.

Well, if you're going to speak to me
like that, we're not related anymore.

Yeah, absolutely.

No, fuck off yourself.

I don't know. That looked really good.
You guys did a really good job.

Sorry. And things are going to be great.

That was such a sweet intro.

I really appreciate that. Thank you.

Hey, Dan, how are you feeling? I'm
feeling good.

Good.

I can't. I literally was like, I'm a
dog.

I literally was like, I'm a puppy, and
they're putting tattoos on me. I'm a bad

dog. If you believe, if you believe, you
can follow your

dreams. That is fucking crazy.

Okay,

great. Do we want the accent? Does that
feel crazy to you? I love it. We like

it. Does everyone feel okay about that?

Oh, no.

That's all right. Kind of cool.

This outfit actually looks pretty
spectacular on you.

Thanks.

This is mine.

Yeah, I assumed this outfit was yours.
Everything you see.

Yeah, well, your nails are on your
nails, so I would assume that your nails

yours as well.

Why are we doing this?

What did you say?

I can't do it without doing your accent,
and that feels maybe offensive.

Try.

It was really good. Do you think? Do you
want me to do?

If you've got it in you, if you don't
mind.

You getting this?

You getting this? Okay. I'll just do a
small snippet.

Every day when I wake up, grateful for
the world.

Every day when I wake up, I'm a girl.

And every day when I wake up, I'm
serving cunt. And every day when I wake

Can't say that. What the fuck?

I don't think they can say any of that.
The money feels nice. It does feel

really good. Can I have half back?

Yeah. That's not half.

What are you gaining from this?

One at a time.

What's going on?

I don't want it. That's what I was just
saying. That's what you're doing.

Do you ever go to strip clubs?

Me? Yeah. Love them. Oh, that's
shocking.

They play sometimes my music, my old
music from Maroon 5 at strip clubs. Is

true? Mm -hmm.

What if you did the worm? Can you do
that? Yeah. Go. Okay.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Here we go. And we're down on the
ground. And we're down on the ground.

inch up.

And then we crawl out.

And then we inch up.

And then we sort of crawl out like a
worm.

It's out. This feels so nice.

You're making me uncomfortable.

Okay, sorry.

Your turn.

Okay. Oh, it's wet from when I spilled
my drink.

I think I can try to do the worm. Try.

Oh, God, that's hard.

Come in.

There. Okay, wow. That's actually better
than I was expecting.

That's okay.

You called us the schlong.

Every day is a new day.

It's a party every day.

People say, get out of my way. I said,
no.

The sun is shining. The babies are
crying. And that's right.

We're in America.

Oh, hey, hey. How's it going?

Oh, what's good?

See, my mouth move is weird as well.

Like, it shouldn't be like that, but it
is. I'm a little nervous because, you

know, I'm the first real alien. Every
alien footage you've seen before,

fake. Thank

you.

I'm so sorry, Denzel. I was told you
were here to sort of promote a new

character. Oh, yeah. I used this alien
technique where I told you I was going

do something and did the opposite so
that I could come on your show. Lied.

lied. What?

Yeah.

Denzel, what is this?

That is my son.

This is your son?

Yeah, so every time you're being mean to
me, just know you're being mean to a

father.

Every time you were mean to me, you were
mean to me and my son. Denzel, I have

so many follow -up questions here. Oh,
do you have this? Do you have this?

Where sometimes, you know, you hang out.
If you watch a few movies, you wander

in the streets.

Then you see someone come out of a
Menchie's. They're kind of cute. You

talk to them. You gas them up. You go
hang out.

You go to the local Chili's. You share a
drink. You go back to her place.

Do you know what that's like?

Yeah, that's how I created my son.

Wait, that's how you created your son?

Yeah, yeah. I have sex with people and
puke into a jar, and this is what it

turns into.

You wake up 50 years from now.

You've repopulated the earth.

Uh -huh. You wake up in the morning.
What's the first thing that happened

this new superior technology?

I mean, this little buddy's probably a
mayor or something. He probably fixes

traffic.

Honestly, that does sound like that
might be better.

It's hard out here, you know, a gleeful
alien trying to date. Like, I was on the

application, the dating application,
when they showed up to the date vastly

different than the photos presented.

Like, what's going on there? Bring the
picture. I'll take the picture on a

How will I ever wipe my butt again?

There's just a monster behind the
curtain. Are you ready?

I'm ready.

My name could be bad.

I've met a couple bad.

Do we have a cigarette?

Do we?

Yeah, we could figure it out.

Oh, we could figure it out. Okay, good.

Oh, I have something in my pocket.

Candy.

You want a candy, girl?

I'll trade you a cigarette for candy. Of
course. Thank you.

Look, I have blue freckles, too.

Do you know what you're going to look
like when you're old? You look fucking

fantastic. Honestly, I look so much
better than I felt like I was going to

Do I need a reason to be important? We
can either talk about it right now or,

like, we spend the first, like, five to
ten minutes workshopping. Yeah, I'd love

to just, like, play with Vic and then
we'll find something. And you guys

work together. Yeah, yeah. Is there a
way we can do with Vic, like, say that,

like, I want to be there now? Yeah,
totally.

That's great.

Please introduce yourself.

Why are you causing such a situation?

These are just puns at this point.

Do three more.

If you want to do this, do three more.
Do three more puns and they need to come

up organically.

Jen.

What is that one?

Is there a girl named Jen? Yeah.

Jen. How was that pun?

Jen.

Jen, it's not a pun, but I will let you
have it if you do two more organic puns.

Are you sure?

Is that because of Jersey Shore?

Okay.

One more.

Ron.

And then you go to the shore. And then
you, what?

What are you doing today?

Smartass? I wake up, I go to work, I go
to sleep. You're not going to say, and

then what?

That's my job.

I'm interviewing you. That's your job?

To say, and then what? My job is to
interview you.

I'm interviewing you right now. We're
recording it, and then this is going out

to people. People are going to find
this, like, probably relatable.

People are going to write in and be
like, oh, my grandpa's ex -wife, who was

grandmother at one point, who I call
Nana, sort of spanked me one time when I

was an adult and then couldn't come up
with three Jersey Shore puns.

Do you want to see something funny? I
would like to.

Like when I was seven.

Stop. I'm not going to do it.

I'm leaving today. This is all you. I'm
not going.

Grab that side. Come on, take it.

I'll get you.

And then it goes on.

That was fun.

Thank you. Thank you. Okay.

Nana.

I'm going in three, two, one. Nana.

I can't. That's physiology.

Nana.

Don't. Don't. You can play that game.

We can't give our feet away for free.

Don't, don't. Stop.

Stop. Catch me if you can.

I can very easily. You're slow.

Psych. Do you like it? Psych.

Psych. Psych.

Tamiya, where are you at? Where do you
feel like you're at in the process?

Oh, the beginning.

Very early.

Do you have a cap on?

No. You have a cap on? That's a clue.

Yeah, things are happening over here.

Something's happened.

This is a lot. This is like, I did a
first look for my wedding and it wasn't

this stressful.

The point is, this is not a show at all.
It's just a forced wedding.

Damn, dude.

I don't have my vows ready.

What is our money to your money here?

Has it grown?

Has it diminished?

Either way, we've got enough of whatever
it is to compare to whatever you've

got. Hi, we'll be showing you the open
house. We're really excited.

If you could please put on these
booties.

I am not human.

Hello! I'm not human.

We are not human.

Not human.

Not human.

Not human.

We never were human.

You used to be porcelain, correct?

Yes. How are you adjusting to skin?

There are so many feelings that I did
not know you could have.

That's right. We spent a lot of time
just touching each other.

Touching each other?

Just to feel something.

I see.

What kind of dolls were you, if you
don't mind me asking?

What do you mean? So you have porcelain
dolls, but you know how sometimes

there's the dancer doll and there's the,
there's a musician doll.

You are saying that here you put your
dolls into a box, you type the dolls so

they do not have a multifaceted
personality.

They are just a one thing at a time. If
a doll was during the tango, what would

you say that that doll is outside of a
dancing doll? We would have to talk to

them and see their personality.

Say what's your, what's your into? How
do you fuck?

I'm sorry?

How do you fuck?

MSNBC, we know somebody with a tiny
guillotine. But if we put that tiny

guillotine in a house at midnight and
lightning strikes the top of it and it

says, I want to be human, it will turn
big and we will use exactly that

guillotine to cut every single MSNBC
person's head off of their body. I think

that the logic is closer. The darkness
inside me is two.

It is me.

And it is you.

But how far have we drifted from each
other? Beautiful. With each breath, the

lungs grow close.

And we grow far.

Don't cut.

He's not done. The carbon.

Is that her?

It is her.

Now, this is hard. Oh, okay.

Oh, okay.

All right.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Bonjour. Bonjour.

Hello. Thank you for meeting us here. We
hope this is not inconvenient.

Yes, we are needing... of your help.

What are you looking for here?

Her. She is the one that created us.

Please help. Because we are dolls.

Please help.

Please help us dolls find our creator.

We need to... Hi, hello. We are dolls.
We need to find our creator.

Hi, hello. The dolls that are us are
looking for their creator. Which is

Do you know?

Do you know? Do you know? Please help.
Please help. Please. Send a pigeon.

Send a... Send a pigeon.

Oh, I come through here.

Now?

Yeah, you got it. I felt kidnapped.

Oh, boy.

I'm Tom Hanks in high school.

I don't know that. Wow.

Are those children's boots?

Like children's Madewells? Just like
little bootsies.

Wow.

Yeah,

and it's really... Weird. Well, you
scare the children. Well, I do want to,

know, it's like, hey, do you want a
photo op? And they're all like, ah!

Yeah. Doesn't seem appropriate.

It is weird. Here we are in French
Polynesia.

We actually went to wait. We did date
briefly.

We did date briefly. That was a big
tabloid moment. Well, we don't bring

up, do we?

You didn't ask?

Okay. Well, we did.

It's like I don't know what I'm trying.

So I'm on Thrinder, and no one's...

Sometimes

we have bloopers, so I can't even get
through my Thrinder joke.

Hello, I am back. I was looking at the
monitor of myself, which I shouldn't

at. Anything else you want to say?

Let's have fun.

That was great.

Come on, team.

I have kind of a guess, but... What's
your guess?

I feel like I'm some kind of creature.

Okay. I don't feel like I'm a human.

Okay. My guess is like...

Like some kind of bear or like a big
animal.

I'm Kevin Shilpin.

Something just like very like Midwestern
normal. I used

to look completely different.

Who?

Tommy Shrigley?

Tommy Shrigley. That's really good.

Holy shit. Do I look better?

You look like shit.

You got a bunch of shit on you.

Sometimes you find $100 ,000.

Have you found $100 ,000 more than once?

Yeah. How many times?

Six times.

You found $100 ,000 six times? Yeah. One
of them was mine.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Five of those times, that $100 ,000 that
you found was yours.

Well, as always, I guess one of the
times I dropped it and then found it

I see. So one time you dropped it and
found it again. What about the other

times? Random.

Random? Random.

It was once in the park. Once in the
same park.

Once was, I guess, at the other end of
the park.

And then, I guess they were all at the
park.

Man, so you are just one lucky guy, I
guess.

That's the power of positivity. That's
the power of believing in yourself.

I can't say ass.

Fuck. What?

Hold on. Is this live?

Stop it.

Turn it off.

Turn it off.

We're going again.

I don't fucking care.

Is your head up your ass?

I am very interested in seeing how
they're going to handle my hair and

beard and if that will play a part in
it. I mean, I guess you could make a

cap out of this. It would, I guess,
raise my forehead by like two inches.

it's possible. When I'm going outside,
am I only using Uber Eats these days?

It's a question I have. I feel like I
could wander around as is, though.

I don't think anyone would be too upset
to see someone like this. Everyone looks

at me and they think you've gone too
far, but I think I have not gone far

enough.

When I was working at a box office, I
scrolled through names and I found

somebody named Avery Goodman. And I was
like, a very good man is what your name

is? I don't know what that is.

And that's why I ran for government.
And, you know, it seems to be quite

a landslide victory of 90%, maybe 98,
99. I wasn't counting fully after the

Yeah, and that mass casualty event in
the city, which wiped out a large

of... It seems like voters that didn't
vote for you, correct? Yeah, and, you

know, that is just, well, that's one of
the things that I want to fix.

Obviously, the fact that the water
system was so vulnerable to poison.

Absolutely. And the fact that you're
paying such close attention really shows

that you deserve to be in government. I
mean that. I voted for you. Oh, I'm glad

that you did. I voted twice for you. Oh,
you better have, because I would have

been very upset otherwise. Oh, would you
have?

What would you have done?

We're just playful here, aren't we? Just
like old friends, you know?

Fun. I love him.

I'm so sorry. This never happens. I'm
very professional. Oh, I know. And

that's why I love this show. That sort
of professionalism and the ability to

speak to a large audience of very many
people in this specific city and get

to listen to you. That is the things I
love. I'm just blacking out for minutes

at a time. And then I wake up and I'm
like, how did I get here? I'm like, how

did I get here?

I feel that sometimes. But usually it's
just a short circuit.

Action.

Hi. How are you? I'm good. Good to meet
you. I'm terrified.

I'm Bruce. I'm Oscar.

How are you?

There's a person on each of my eyebrows.

Are you serious?

Yeah, that is not a sensation I've ever
had before.

No. We're the brothers who are going to
teach you how to dance.

I have two more words for you. Is that
all right? Two.

Squeegee. Huh?

Squeegee? Huh? That's the word. Oh, I
see.

Orgasm. Huh?

That one also, huh?

Huh? Is that the answer?

Huh? I feel like you two have really
opened my mind.

We're talking about the mattress.

Casper mattress. And were you also
talking about Casper mattress?

Oh, so comfortable.

Okay, so well, not on this show. We are
actually sponsored by...

You can't think of another mattress.

Yes, I can.

On this show, we are sponsored by Good
Feeling Mattress.

They haven't paid us yet to come up with
that. It's not fake.

Let's see. Let's see the logo. Well, the
logo's not ready.

It's not ready.

What's the jingle?

Good Feeling Mattress. And you can't use
that because actually it's copyrighted.

You're never going to get your money.

We have a game for you.

We're going to say a word and you tell
us what that makes you think of. Here we

go. You.

Interviewer.

I really have more words for you. We
have more words for you.

Stepdaughter.

Fine.

Fascinating. Your wedding night.

Boring.

Sex.

Boring. Have you been touching every
time?

Boring.

Have you been feeling at all?

I have been feeling. That's your
problem. Boring.

That's the problem.

Oh, here's a word.

Excitement.

Coffee.

Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Let's talk about
coffee. Coffee, yes.

Really, I should be the one doing the
interviewing.

Smell it.

Okay. Just.

Hey, smell, smell, smell.

Tell me how you feel when you smell the
coffee. Tell me how you feel when you

smell the coffee. Fun.

I feel fun. All right, please take your
seats. All right, I feel fun.

Let's throw your stepdaughter to the
ocean, huh? I can't wait.

She's a nightmare, but people think
she's nice, so I have to be quiet.

Actually, on my way to...

audition to be a background character at
the Little Mermaid ride and Disney

World as well, you know, because they'll
move on.

I love that.

They serve a lot of fish. I think that's
messed up.

And when did Dylan go to jail, if you
don't mind me asking? I'm not allowed to

say. I feel like that would be public
record, would it not?

Not in this jail.

Do you know what jail he's in?

No. Lynn, I hate to be the one to tell
you this. I think he...

Might have ghosted you.

What do you mean? He said he's in jail,
but he's not allowed to tell you what

jail it is. And he's not allowed to tell
you when he went. And actually, you

can't contact him anymore.

Yeah, but no, mine is real. Look it up.
I mean, I don't know how many men are

telling you that they went to jail. So
many. Yeah, a lot.

More than I can count. I think they're
doing to you what you're saying they're

doing to me. But they're actually doing
it to you. I'm actually happily married

now with a stepdaughter.

Okay. I don't take liquids.

You don't take liquids at all? I don't
do liquids. How do you get water?

We have a natural store of liquid.

So you don't have to put in more?

You were born with all the liquids you
need for the rest of your life? Yeah.

You're a doctor. You should know that.
I'm not a doctor.

You look like one. I'm a reporter.

You go to Starbucks with bad grandpa.

I ate all their cake pops.

You ate all of their cake pops? And
after a certain amount.

They are not digestible. You reach the
limit.

Sort of like some people that eat too
much vitamin C or something like that.

Yeah. Okay. How old is your husband?

He's in his 40s. Younger than you. Have
you worn makeup before?

Well, I'm wearing makeup right now,
actually. It's sort of why my... Other

you know, me putting it on you.

No, I mean, you're putting makeup on top
of a little bit of makeup. Shout out to

my team. You have makeup on underneath.

Right now? Yeah. A little bit.

Really?

Yeah, I was in the chair for 45 minutes.

I don't not look like my

uncle. Hey, stop running.

I shot the entire thing on IMAX film.

And they cut the whole thing.

They cut the whole thing.

You what?

Someone came and walked with me and they
said that they were an emperor.

Right.

Anyway, I'm sorry about my mom.

She was the kind of mom who would put an
apple in your mouth and put you in the

oven.

So you're saying your mom would...

Put an apple in an apple.

Are we keeping that?

Keep that.

And how many people are there right now
that want to join you? It's a lot.

It's a lot. Ballpark number?

Four. Okay. Say it with me.

Billie Eilish.

That got further away. Can we do that
one more time?

It's our house destroyed. Yeah. Brick
house destroyed. No.

It's okay. You're here to interview me.

The straw house was destroyed.

The stick house was destroyed. My mom
was squished.

What? Hi.

Oh, my God.

Hi. Do you want to say, is this too
much? We just let the dog go? Oh.

Hello. Okay.

Hi. Over here.

Good evening.

You're not going to get your day ring
unless you come on set.

Is the dog eating your finger? Yes.

Do you want to? I love it. You do?

Yeah. Okay.

Problem solved. Look at that.

You have a big chunk of your finger
gone.

It's fine.

Yeah, okay.

So it sounds like a fairytale ending for
you, your sisters, and Garbage Dog.

I will.

My Uber's here.

Okay, well, have fun walking.

Your eyes are uncanny. Okay.

I do not want to see you wielding a
ruler.

Really excited to do, like, The Haunted
House. Last year we did The Incredibles,

and the kids didn't like it as much.

It's the Elizabeth Holmes through the
boys. We will be able to test your

Your blood with a single drop of a
theranos machine. I mean, we brought

people into our booth constantly. People
asking questions.

What are you doing here?

Aren't you ashamed of yourself?

Stay away from my son.

Stay away from my son?

Why would they be saying that?

Of course, because I just maybe slipped
them some literature.

What kind of literature?

You know, the sort of books that any
child should be exposed to. Does it

to be the book that you're writing?

We can go ahead and take a look there.

Yes. Darkness visible, freeing the
darkness within that the light tries to

Darkness visible. Colon, freeing the
darkness inside that the light tries to

hide.

He sees you when you're sleeping. He
knows when you're awake. Well, that's

similar. He knows if you've been bad or
good.

So be bad for badness' sake.

Okay, so that is where we deviate a
little bit. That's where it sort of

off. Can I ask, so we have for Christmas
and you have, we have St. Nick, you

have Krampus.

What about Valentine's Day? What does
Valentine's Day look like? You know

couples who...

Kind of look like each other. Sure.

Kind of doubling down on that and how
uncomfortable that makes the rest of the

world. I like that, actually.

I think that's fun.

Fins to the left, fins to the right,
wasted away again in Margaritaville.

Changes in latitudes, changes in
attitudes, changes is the only constant.

These are the lessons of Jimmy Buffett.

all is change.

Step up into Buffett's realm and you
will learn that only you may change your

attitude and latitude with the guidance
of dark forces if you choose to call

upon them.

Hail Buffett!

Hail Buffett!

Buffett's sort of a demigod in your...
He has been added to the pantheon when

all kicked out of heaven.

Kicked out of heaven. That was
incredible. Now, that was great. Yeah.

does this power extend?

Why, around the world, of course.

Wow.

Now I want to hear all my second grader
doing that terrible twos. Let me get a

root, root, root, root.

Let chaos reign.

Yeah, kids, let that negative energy
just bubble up from the bottom. Let's do

all together. Bubble up from the bottom.
I'm feeling the vapors of hell in my

belly, and I let them out. Yeah.

I love you, Medusa Middle School. You
guys are the best. You really are, okay?

Test scores are through the roof.

Love you.

The cool part about this level of
exhaustion is you can't be afraid. I

have a demon pop out of the shadow and
try to kill me, and I would use all of

energy to move out of the way totally
expressively.

So whatever happens, I am a pliable lump
of clay.

You look beautiful, sweetie.

So do you.

Oh, they put a bunch of chemical gel on
my torso so that I don't sweat.

And that's not a bit.

That's real science.

So who the fuck is this guy?

Jesus. Fresh brewed. I do it at
McDonald's temperature.

Who? Green lawsuit. McDonald's? Who? You
wouldn't know. He's alive!

Okay. Ogbert?

So salty.

Yeah. Really bad.

It can't be good, and you've drunken so
much of it. Yeah.

Name the last time someone was like,
let's read poems.

A wedding.

Really? Inauguration.

Oh, yeah. To children. A lot of times in
books.

Yeah, that's a good point. Well, in this
case, it's literal.

What is that? I think if we don't get
paid, we all walk out of here. Who's

me? I have my check. No one said yes.

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Crispy's, hearty's, tasty's. Crispy's,
hearty's, tasty's.

Chomsky's potato chips.

America's... And now I've got it in my
head a different way.

This is a nightmare.

I am done. I turned down a job at an

office for this, so... And cut!