Original subtitles

Hey, I'm Ali Beardsley. I'm here on Very Important People.

I think it's like taking me a second to like wrap my mind around what I said yes

to. I'm still not completely sold that this isn't Game Changer.

Today we're giving this comedian a total transformation.

They have no idea who or what they're about to become.

Once they see themselves in the mirror...

They'll have to make up a character on the spot and then sit down with me for

improvised interview.

Oh, my God.

This is insane.

This is very important, people.

Okay, Alex.

Oh,

my God. One, two, three.

Oh, my God.

What? Wow.

Hello.

Wow, I feel like I'm on acid. I was joking that I was going to be Elon Musk,

I don't not.

Look like an evil Elon Musk. Method acting.

I look like Cillian Murphy in a microwave.

Yeah, now we're into kind of like evil.

Freeze.

Does anyone have a pie?

I could be Mrs.

Doubtfire, but a pig.

Hello!

Am I like a militant teen pig?

I think it's, like, funny that I look really sweet and I'm kind of like,

but then what I have to say is absolutely vile.

Hi, I believe in vigilante justice.

Ta -da!

Oh!

We

shot

all of season 17 on IMAX, and they cut the whole thing.

They cut the whole thing.

We all have stories, and some of those stories need to be shared with the

Good evening. I'm Vic Michaelis, back with another edition of Very Important

People.

Please introduce yourself.

Me? Yes.

I'm, um, big number two.

Is that what you want me to call you? Pig number two?

That's my name. Okay. Well, pig number two, thank you so much for coming today.

Who is pig number two? I'm one of three pigs.

Okay. Classic.

I took a very long Uber here from my village.

If you don't mind me asking, where is your village?

Super close.

I walked here.

It was like a six -hour walk.

What was the Uber for?

It was an Uber walk.

You took an Uber walk here. Six hours? Yeah. I mean, that's incredible. So you

were just absolutely hoofing it. Yeah, I got to hear... I'm sorry.

No, I get the joke. I think that's funny.

But no, I'm from a village. There's three... Well, there were three houses.

What do you mean there were three houses? My whole village was destroyed.

By a big, bad wolf. Your whole village was destroyed by a big, bad wolf. He

eviscerated. He stepped on my mom.

A big, bad wolf.

A big, bad wolf stepped on your mother.

Yes. I'm so sorry to hear that. The straw house, destroyed.

The stick house, destroyed. Right. My mom's face.

stepped on.

My mom's face stepped on.

Can we start back from the beginning, perhaps?

Sure. Can you tell me a little bit more about this wolf? We were all watching

TV, and before I knew it, the whole house was completely crushed and blown

Completely crushed and blown away? What was the house made out of? This one was

made out of straw. I'm so sorry. Yes.

Devastating. It was so scary. My two sisters and I were watching... Babe.

Is there a union rep here? No, we don't need that. And they won't call.

No, we were all in and we were watching the 10 o 'clock news as a family.

And everything was crushed. And we went running. This enormous

wolf.

was trying to eat us. And as we ran to our next house, which was a little bit

stronger, made out of stick. Well, it's nice that you had a second property.

Exactly. We have a number of homes.

And my mom tripped, and the big bad wolf stepped on her.

And she didn't die.

She ran with us into the stick house.

Well, that is, I mean, a harrowing experience. Well, get ready, because

we...

Get into the stick house. The stick house smashed to pieces. And this wolf

towering over us, drooling, so excited to eat us, lunges for my sister. And I

was able to kick her out of the way. You kicked your sister out of the way? I

kicked my sister right in the stomach.

Incredible. Saving her life. And we ran to our third property, which is usually

Airbnb'd out.

Luckily, no one was staying that day. It's a brick house. Absolutely

But on the way.

My mom tripped again.

The wolf stepped on her and killed her.

And we had to keep running.

Me and all my beautiful sisters have had to squish into the brick house for

safety. And we slammed the door shut. We were finally safe.

You are so brave.

Thank you. That after everything you've been through, you still are able to come

to a program like this and speak your truth. Absolutely incredible. Thank you.

Yeah. So that was really scary. And I think a lot of people would agree that

after something like that, it just really makes you question a lot of

Yeah. Has the experience changed you? I think so.

How could it not?

I'm finally asking the big question.

Am I safe? What does safety look like? Of course. Who's going to attack me

Yes. Why is the government lying to me about vaccines?

Wait. Who? Hold on. Why is the government lying to me about vaccines?

Definitely.

Why? Right.

Yes. Am I safe?

Who's going to attack me? Why is the government always lying about vaccines?

But how does that tie in? I just have finally found a group of like -minded

people. You see, I've put together a group of other people who get it. Some

people are calling it a militia. It's not that, okay? What is it? It's just a

group of people not affiliated with the police or the military forming an armed

kind of paramilitary. Your mouth went.

your your mouth it looked like you were trying you were about to say militia

militia gets such a bad rap and what we're doing is completely different we

wake up in the morning before the sun rises and we do those push -ups that's

top of a rifle and then we go target practice Sort of those ones that people

film and put on YouTube and they have like 17 views.

And they're always wearing a shirt with a black and white American flag. And

then they get played on the news when bad things happen.

Those ones. That's interesting.

And of course, you're not the only one in this group anymore. It's growing in

numbers by the day.

Gingerbread Man is a part of it. Like Little Toaster. Seven Dwarfs. Yes. And

Cinderella. Definitely. And stay with me.

Billie Eilish.

I mean, absolutely fascinating. A well -known group that's creating here, sort

of underdogs that are taking back the narrative of their story.

Exactly. And so I'm not going to conform anymore because where did that get me?

That got my mom stepped on.

What does your family life look like?

Well, my mom pre -being stepped on was very nice.

She's the kind of mom who...

If you're having a bad day, she'd stick an apple in your mouth and put you in

the oven.

Just stick an apple in your mouth and put you in the oven? Just to warm up a

little bit and then you were allowed to come out. Where is your father in all of

this? He sells insurance.

Oh, wonderful. What kind of insurance?

Like house insurance.

House insurance. That's fascinating.

Is your family in the business of building houses? Yeah, yeah. My dad

of our houses. And two of them blew away.

Yeah.

Yeah, definitely.

Presumably. He was holding the insurance policies on those. Yeah, he collected

millions and left.

How's your relationship with your sisters been since this incident?

Okay, I'll be honest.

They're worried about me. They think that...

You know, I'm always putting beef jerky in a little bag and bringing it down

into the cellar for later. Sort of prepping. I'm always cooking up a bunch

soup and freezing it in the big refrigerator in the cellar. Prepping

sharpening arrows.

In the cellar. And you're triplets. You've done everything together most of

life, correct? Yeah, totally.

We wore matching outfits, you know, growing up. Yeah. Does it not hurt that

you're not close anymore?

Yeah, it actually, it really bothers me. We were very, very close.

I heard for a fact that the delineation seemed to happen after you did appear on

the news one evening in this segment right here. If we can go ahead and play

that. I've got so much soup in here I will never be without. I've got my own

jerky. I'm sharpening arrows.

We will be safe. And speaking of safe, what's up with the so -called government

shooting injections into our arms?

No thank you, okay?

So that was an awful lot of talking without really saying much, huh? I stand

what I said. Well, you actually came out with a line of canned soup. Is that

correct? I did, yes.

High -protein canned soup. I see. Well, we have one of those cans right now if

you want to take a peek at that.

Great. There is so much.

text on that. I got the idea from my friend who makes soap. Oh, I see. He

kind of goes to town on the bottle. And I think it's really cool to be able to

put all your words together like that.

Your sisters are quite worried about you.

So much so, in fact, that when they heard that you were going to be

this news program, they...

wanted us to see something and so they did um send us your diary so if we can

ahead and grab that diary i don't call it a diary it's kind of like a manifesto

well yeah we can see that and uh it seems like a lot of this is in english

some of it is sort of in a seems like some sort of code pig latin perhaps

you like to read some of it aloud okay i okay

Today I'm starting the artist's way.

I'm going to go on an artist date with myself to the store and get a little bit

of candy and bubble bath.

Then I'm going to do 90 rifle push -ups and target practice to a

picture of the big bad wolf.

Then maybe I'll do some affirmations in the mirror.

You're so strong.

You are really good looking.

Your mom wasn't stepped on by a wolf two times in a row right in front of

you.

I'm going to ask the question that I think is on top of everybody's mind.

How is it an artist's date if you're buying candy and bubble bath?

Excuse me? Well, I'm just kidding. You're just supposed to feed your inner

child. Well, is it feeding your inner child to be joining a well -armed

You sound exactly like my sisters, okay?

They're the ones who gave me the artist's way. I'm trying to do both.

Tell me about the big bad wolf.

All right.

He's... Super scary. He came out of nowhere.

He has kind of like sandy gold hair and long ears, kind of

like this on either side. And then this little nose that comes out like this.

And he wears this horrifying necklace that's like braided and has like a

thing right here. And there's a hanging plaque that says cinnamon on it. It says

cinnamon. Is it a dog?

What? It sounds like you're talking about a collar.

Yes. And then is the collar maybe plaid?

Plaid, yes. And golden color? Kind of a golden color. He was carrying a big,

definitely could be a sex toy, but was not, and had a little treat inside.

Yeah, so one of those things where there's peanut butter in the middle and

lick it out. She sort of knew that the treat was dog -related.

Well, you know, does that change anything if it wasn't a giant, towering,

wolf? If it was...

A miniature, show -quality dachshund.

It seems like you know maybe specifically the type of dog that it was

first play.

How long have you known that it's a dog and not a wolf?

Because you sort of set up this militia. How long have you known that it's a dog

and not a wolf? I've known for a really long time, okay?

I followed the wolf afterward.

What you thought was the wolf. Yes, what I thought was a giant wolf. I watched

it as it ran up to a woman.

And she bent down and she said, give me kisses.

And it licked her face. And then they got in a Subaru Outback and they left.

sounds like it's a lot easier to handle the world when it sounds like somebody

is doing something bad to you on purpose. And it's a lot harder to handle

world when you accept that bad things to happen to good people sometimes.

Yeah. Yeah.

And you want what stepped on your mom to be really cool.

Right, so it seems like a big part of the issue we're having is that it

sound as cool if you say a tiny little wiener dog named Cinnamon stepped on

mom. Oh, it doesn't sound good. It sounds awful.

Are you all right? Do you need a tissue?

No, I don't do that. You don't do tissues? That's a you thing. That's

disgusting. All right. I was hoping I could ask you some rapid fire questions.

Okay.

So just go ahead and answer these questions as quickly as you can. Top of

head. Okay.

What is your guilty pleasure?

Josh Groban. Just all of Josh Groban? It's like Michael Bublé, but for all

round. I agree.

Yeah. What's your favorite subject in school?

History. Wonderful. I loved history.

Well, you know, you have to look for the untold history.

Yes, I actually agree with that. My friend Gary is the one who writes all

ones that I read, and I think they're incredible.

Okay, what kind? What kind are we talking?

World War II? It's about how the world is flat, and our government is trying to

control us from the inside out. Like your storybook government is doing this?

Yeah, Joe Biden, our president.

What are you most proud of?

Honestly, I guess I'm most proud of my relationship with my sisters. I'm just

trying to keep them safe. Like, this giant wolf came in out of nowhere. We

know when that's going to... Okay, even if it wasn't a wolf, even if it was a

dog, dogs are scary.

Okay? It was a massive dog coming in, stepping on our... You said it was a

dachshund?

Sort of like. It was. They called them hot dogs, right? Yes. It looked much

a hot dog.

You experienced a trauma, a true trauma. Your mother is gone and she's not

coming back. Yeah. But it seems like you're looking for a big evil as opposed

accepting the fact that it was random. Because that is scary to go, sometimes

bad things are going to happen. You can never be prepared for that.

And now, not only did you lose your mother, but it sounds like you're losing

your sisters too.

Go -to karaoke song.

Wonderwall. And last but not least, I have a question that I ask each and

one of my guests.

What is the meaning of life?

Revenge.

I'd like to do something.

Can we get some photos pulled up? Thank you so much.

Are these going to be photos of you?

A headshot? After this conversation, you think I'm showing you photos of my

headshots? I don't know. Actors are crazy.

Okay, well, I'm not an actor. I'm a journalist.

So that's not... I am going to have Paul here pull up a few photos of some dogs.

What? It's safe. They're a photo. This is a controlled environment. We have a

medic.

Three buildings over. What? We're going to show you some photos of dogs, and I

just want you to say the first thing that comes into your head, okay? Just

word, all right?

So we're going to go ahead and take a look at the first one.

Wolf. Wolf. Okay, let's go ahead and do another one. And so just relax, all

right? Know you're safe.

Sort of, oh, okay, let's see. Yeah, this is a cute one.

Oh. Giant wolf.

Someone cute that's like a golden retriever, right? Sort of friendly,

knows a trick.

Yeah, I guess so.

Okay, let's take a look at another one. Oh.

Is that wearing little sunglasses? It is wearing tiny little sunglasses like

it's a musician, right?

Let's go ahead and take a look at the next photo here.

What? So just first word about that. French. Well, maybe some sort of a

performer. It's funny because it makes no sense.

What? Okay, that's real.

Well, the dog is a pumpkin.

Okay. Let's go ahead and take a look at this one. Oh, what?

Sort of a companion, right? What's the first word that pops into your head

there?

LGBTQIA+. Yeah.

Yeah. And look at how happy that older bisexual man looked.

Yeah, I just...

Okay, yeah, maybe they're... Maybe they are a little bit cute and they're, you

know... Maybe that dog... I just... I'd like to recommend something, and if

you're not ready for it, that's fine. We're not going to try and force you to

anything that you don't want to do.

There is a dog that lives out back of the studio.

Very friendly. That dog is in studio. My producer just brought him inside, and

we were hoping, if you're ready, and only if you're ready, maybe...

We introduce you.

Don't worry, it's probably not even going to pay attention to you. This dog

loves me. Kind of obsessed. Every time I come around, it sort of won't leave me

alone. I'm sort of a celebrity to this dog, which makes sense.

Is that it? Hey.

Hi. Oh, that's him. Hi.

Okay, well.

And so normally the dog just runs up to me. Hi, QV. Come on. Oh.

Come on. Hi.

I'm not so scary after all, huh?

Hi, cutie. Never seen him act like this. I bring him bratwurst every day and he

doesn't do this. And I'm sort of like a celebrity on this block for having

bratwurst in my pocket.

What? Taking to you. Wow. You know, garbage dog is up for adoption.

Really? Yeah.

I'll take him. You're going to adopt Garbage Dog. Yes, my sisters are going

love this dog.

Consider him adopted then.

Let me just check and make sure you didn't kill my mom.

So it sounds like a fairy tale ending for you, your sisters, and Garbage Dog.

think that's the end of the episode. I'm Vic Michaelis reminding you to be

yourself. Unless you'd rather be somebody else. Good night.

This is so sad.

Do you want a photo?

No, I hate dogs.

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