Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Giovanni. I don't know what's going to happen today, but I know I get

be with my best buddy, Oscar, and I cannot wait.

Hey, I'm Oscar, and I'm here with Giovanni. Hi, Giovanni. Hi, baby.

Ah, and we're both getting transformed into what? We have no idea, but I'm

excited. Are you excited, Giovanni? Yes, you can't look at me before the

wedding. I won't. Oh, we're getting married?

Today, we're giving these comedians a total transformation.

I feel very exposed right now. They have no idea who or what they're about to

become. Oh, my God.

What is this?

Once they see themselves in the mirror, they'll have to make up a character on

the spot and then sit down with me for an improvised interview.

This is very important, people.

Okay, we're done.

I am gonna throw up. Why am I so nervous?

I feel like I'm on Love is Blind.

Is that a big part of it? Is that a big part of it?

Okay,

okay.

I don't know what to do.

Where do I go?

Why do we look exactly the same?

This is Parent Trap. Okay.

2023. I feel like I'm in a Tyra Banks photo shoot right now. You're a child

star, and I'm a 46 -year -old stunt double.

Daddy and son talent show.

Who's the daddy?

I'm the daddy.

And I'm the son.

Name.

Agnes.

Him play.

Trudy.

Carmichael. My dearest Constance.

And my dearest Constance. Fucking Angel Snike.

And Cotswallow.

Cotswallow.

We play preppy metal.

I love the Corsic brand.

Jasper. Casper.

We're either related or married.

Married is funny.

You know how like couples start looking like each other?

And we're the perfect couple. We are the perfect couple.

I love you. I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

We

all

have a story to tell.

And sometimes those stories need to be shared with the world.

Good evening.

I'm Vic Michaelis, here with another edition of Very Important People.

Please, introduce yourselves.

Hello, it's so good to meet you.

This is my beautiful partner, Jasper. And this is my beautiful partner,

Casper. We are Jasper and Casper, Sheffield Wednesday, the fifth.

Both the fifth. Correct.

I see. And Jasper, Casper, just to get into it, let's address the elephant in

the room. You two are married.

We are married. We've been happily married. And may I ask, how did you

Of course. What a funny story.

We're actually parent -trapped by our children.

Right. It happens all the time in the UK.

All the time in England. All the time. All the time. I see. And parent -trapped

by your children, so you have a long, sprawling love story, I take it. We've

been married for about two days.

Absolutely chilling.

So two days.

Many would say not a lot of time to know each other. I don't know who would say

that. I would say that.

You did.

I did, and I'm repeating it. Not a lot of time to know each other. So you two

have built quite an empire in this 48 hours. That's right.

Well, directly after our honeymoon, we decided after a long, seductive,

non -stop...

sexual escapade, why not write the things that we just experienced? Yeah.

All in a book, an e -book full of pornographic video. An e -book full of

pornographic video. Yes.

Many a link.

Great. We're just going to take a look back on the screen here at your book.

Oh, yes.

Sex the British way.

It's the only way, really. Have you tried British sex? I can't say that I

What, in your opinion, differentiates...

british sex from other kinds of sex it's really the original sex in our opinion

yes the patient zero yes getting back to basics you know what i mean um you know

when we talk about oral rectal group sex non -monogamy these are all terms we

lift in the book so if i'm getting this correctly uh your sort of plan is with

this book take your version of sex and sort of spread it across the world make

other places adopted.

That's right. We are trying to colonialize the minds of many people all

the globe on the right and correct and true way of having sex, which is the

British way. Absolutely fascinating.

And you two have some very interesting ideas about sex in your book. So I'm

going to get into this first one here, non -touching. What does that look like?

Non -touching is very, very exciting. Yes. Well, a lot of sex, As they say,

touching. But we don't adhere to that. I'm turned on right now.

Because I feel Casper's aura undulating over me. And the

way that they move is causing my penis to be rock hard, baby.

Three! three two one we've come okay so casper

said something different than you jasper there no we said the exact same thing

now it's your turn i must return the favor and that's what british sex is all

about exact same thing exact same time

How you feeling? How you feeling?

Communication is key.

You must talk about what things are okay and what things are not. Okay.

You don't want to be touched. I respect that. I validate that. I'm going to be

perfectly still and quiet.

Oh, yes.

Yes, you like that?

Yes, yes. Here we go.

We've changed.

Okay, so once again.

Exactly the same.

And those were two different things that you said. It was exactly the same

thing. I see and I understand. I want to go back to something that you said

there. Communication is key.

Yeah. And talking about what you like and what you don't like, because that is

the next point in your book.

And we're going to give them a minute to deal with this.

Really beautiful.

I must add, a lot of points in your book do not have you in the same room, do

not have you sharing the same space. On page four of your six -page book, it

does go ahead and say, leave the room and don't talk about it. What does that

mean? Let me explain.

Pardon me.

How far?

Very far.

Very far.

Darling. And this turns you on.

Georgia!

Casper, can I ask you a question?

I suppose so.

Is this what you want?

To feel absolute desperation.

To feel so much love that it's entirely through my body, coursing from

toes to hairs.

Yes, I know that your mind is closed. I know that you're very judgmental of us.

But the truth is, you don't know sensation.

We're going to need a mop.

Now, Casper, I stand corrected. I have never seen pleasure quite like this.

That's what I'm trying to tell you, Vic.

It's intense, and it's beautiful, and it's British.

Ah, I just came six times. Darling, six for me.

Go, all right.

Well, thank you.

Let's gather ourselves.

Oh. That was an incredible session, my love. An incredible session, my love.

An incredible session, my love. You are quite a lover.

The British way, perhaps the best way to have sex, but is it the best way to

raise children?

How do you mean? Is the British way of having sex the best way to raise

children?

Of course. Casper, Jasper, where are the kids?

I'll give you a hint. They're writing me very soggy letters.

We bought you two one -way tickets on the Queen Mary to come to this interview

today. Thank you. Which we appreciate very much. Your children came on that

with you.

You said you were going to make it the honeymoon, if I do recall.

Children fell overboard, you hopped in.

What happened to the children?

Where are the kids?

Well, we hopped in the water and then we saw each other and we just...

Couldn't resist one another.

And we had one of our tantric lovemaking sessions.

And we got in the boat.

And then we got in the boat. And we're here now. And here we are. You left your

kids in the ocean. We have a photo right here.

They wanted us to be together, and we are together.

I mean, we're honoring their wish.

I'd like you to take a look at this letter right here. You can't read it

it is just ink running down the page.

We had a crack team of deciphers read it, and it says...

My parents left me in the water.

I'm in the ocean.

Casper and Jasper.

My parents, the water, question mark.

How is the literature over there in England? It seems like the best that

is. We invented it, actually.

Is that true?

We must have. Have you ever heard of English lit?

David Copperfield?

David Copperfield?

Yes. No. No, the Copperfield. David Copperfield.

A renowned British novelist. Why did you leave your children in the water? You

know how someone can say they're choking, they're not really choking?

If someone can write a letter that says, are they

really drowning?

I fear that this is a nasty smear campaign over all our hard work that

we've done to publish this book.

And what hard work was that?

Because I'm seeing a bunch of Wikipedia links. I'm seeing some YouTube links. I

am seeing six and a half sentences of actual words.

I mean, there are lots of pornographic video links. You made a lot of work.

That's a lot of work. Yeah, you know, a lot of it isn't ours per se, but, you

know, all's well in artistic freedom, yes. Are you saying sex work isn't work?

Are you? I'm not saying that, and I would never say that. Did you say that?

are you looking at? I didn't say that, and I would never say that. What are you

looking at? Because it is. Then I guess we're on the same page. Yes. That the

children are safe, and we did a lot of work. That's right, that you would also

leave your children in the middle of the ocean for love. That's what I'm... I

heard. Exactly, that's what I heard. Okay, no more.

Stop. We did already.

Stop and wait. Stop and wait. Are you getting turned on by me saying stop?

Don't.

Don't do it. That's only turning me on even more. Don't even think about it.

That's turning me on even more. No, don't touch. Catching on.

Take a look at me and then look at each other and not like that though. Are they

trying not to get us turned on? They're turning me on, darling.

All right, I want to bring you to a typical day in your two's life.

You wake up in the morning, you look in the mirror, or do you just look at each

other?

I mean, we do both.

Well, because, you know, you look at each other and it's basically like

in a mirror.

I don't think so.

There's so many things I appreciate. The biggest thing I appreciate about Casper

is how different we look.

Yes, opposites attract.

That's what they say.

Well, it's just that because you're even in the same outfits, right?

You wore the same, you wore the same shirt.

What color do you think your shirt is? I'm colorblind.

I see. Oh, I see.

Well, you would recognize that the cut of the shirt is exactly the same and the

tie.

I bought it at one store, and you bought this at a different store. Yes. Look

how mine wrinkles just there. And look at my wrinkling just there. Well, you

know, okay, today would be a one -off, but we do have your Instagram feed up

here, so you do an outfit of the day every day. That's right.

Oh, look at that. Very lovely. Oh, you went a different direction than I

you'd go. Oh, look at that.

In what way would this outfit be a different direction in your opinion?

talked, and we said, Let's try something different. What if we dress exactly the

same? And then I'm looking at the picture and I'm like, we look different.

We look very different from each other.

Because from where I'm sitting, that does look quite similar.

It feels a little futile to argue with someone who... I don't think they quite

understand sartorial sense.

I will be blunt.

You're identical.

You're the same.

You look the same.

In both dress and speech and name, you're similar, if not

Yes, yes, yes.

Okay, yes. I suppose we all are identical.

Right. I suppose we are identical with you, identical with everyone in the

world. You're wearing clothes, I'm wearing clothes.

In what way are we identical is what I would love to know. In what way are we

identical that is different from you two being identical?

We've got... Cut that, thank you.

We've got souls.

Okay, I'm feeling electricity now. And now I'm feeling that, actually. And even

while we're touching.

Even while you're... That's wild. Now, what would happen if you didn't touch?

Oh, and that's even... That actually is even more.

Okay. Wow. You're getting it.

My stepdaughter, Bianca, has come up with a little game for us to play.

Oh! Yes. Congratulations. Thank you so much. I love her father, and she loves

me. Are you ready?

Here we go.

I'm going to say a word, and I want you to say the first word that pops into

your head.

All right.

Happiness.

Casper. Okay, so two different answers. We said the same thing.

Shame. You.

I'm just going to flag two.

Exactly. Okay. Banana.

Well,

that one was pretty similar. Slightly different.

Hero.

Casper. We're getting better at this. We're talking about the mattress.

And were you also talking about Casper mattress?

Oh, so comfortable.

Okay, wonderful.

Parent. Trap.

Let's get together.

So we had parent and then sort of a silence. Do you have a word for that?

They communicated. They said trap to me.

Through mind communication.

Oh, that's not a word. Telepathy. Do you feel my answer when my justice speaks?

It's me.

Do I feel your answer? Feel my answer when my Jasper speaks.

Jasper, speak to them.

Jasper is saying how much they love your glasses.

Now, do you hear me when Jasper speaks?

I do hear you because you are making noise.

Jasper says that they would kill you for me.

Is that what you said, Jasper? You heard them.

Rapid -fire questions. Are you ready?

Yeah. We ask these to each of our guests, so please answer as honestly as

possible. We'll try. What is your guilty pleasure?

Chocolate. Chocolate. All right. Dream job if money were not a factor.

Cook. Cook.

Cook. Cook what?

Cook island.

Like the Survivor season?

Huh? Okay.

I have to ask, and at this point it's personal curiosity, are you sex

therapists?

We're not certified by any board.

But we desperately want to be.

Please. You're asking me.

Please.

Certified sex therapist. May we please have a diploma, please? I think there's

been some mass confusion. I have no ability.

You just want me to write it down on a piece of paper that you're certified?

Just say you are sex therapist. You're sex therapist. Yes.

Next question. Well, all right. What's the worst thing you've ever done?

Leave our children in the middle of the ocean.

Naughty. Naughty, naughty. Can you name one of your children?

A single one.

No. No. All right.

Have you ever been in love?

Yes. All right. And last but certainly not least, what is the meaning of life?

To feel everything and nothing.

Hi,

America. Do you have an incessant hunger for salt?

Sunday night football dotty hungry and want a snack.

Chomsky's potato chip.

America's crispiest, heartiest and tastiest chip.

And we are back from commercial break. I have to ask the question on everyone's

mind. You're both so joyful. What is the key to happiness?

i'd say it's just allowing love allowing light to fill

you and not allowing touch every so often don't touch no

feel feel yes okay you know what i'm sorry that i said anything i've and

i hate to say it come

I've come around, is what I mean to say.

And I appreciate you opening not only my mind, but hopefully the viewers at

home. We do love to open.

I can't wait to throw my stepdaughter in the ocean.

Thank you so much for joining us this evening. And remember, be yourself,

you want to be somebody else. I'm Vasper, and have a wonderful evening.

This is so fun. Oh, don't touch.

Don't touch.

Don't let it come.

Okay, oh wow!

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