Original subtitles

Hi there, I'm Brian David Gilbert, and I have absolutely no idea what I'm gonna

be today. I would say it's about 60 -40 for excitement to nervous, and I think

that's where I work best.

Today we're giving this comedian a total transformation.

Fabulous. They have no idea who or what they're about to become.

Once they see themselves in the mirror, they'll have to make up a character on

the spot, and then sit down with me for an improvised interview.

This... It's very important, people.

Oh, oh, I do feel the grip now, yeah.

Three, two, one.

Oh, my God.

Oh, okay.

Oh, my God, yes. Oh, wow.

Finally feeling on the outside what's on the inside now. Yeah, this seems right

to me. Everything feels exactly as it should. I feel...

Incredibly powerful.

All good things should have a bit of malice in them, don't they? The

of that is exactly what I want.

Howdy there.

How's it going? Come on into the workshop.

Now the thing is, I could also go much higher.

I don't mind that.

Good evening.

I just have a sort of voice that breaks every other word.

I could also go down here for a bit.

If I felt necessary.

I try to make sure that I'm as approachable as possible. That's why I

the arm. There's something fabulous about me, too, and I do enjoy that.

It feels great to be a 10, is what I'm thinking.

Seems right.

Oh, you.

We all have a story, and some of those stories need to be shared with the

Good evening, I'm Vic Michaelis, back with another edition of Very Important

People.

Please, introduce yourself.

My name is Avery Goodman, Professor Avery Goodman, if you feel like being

about it.

And all my friends just call me Jerry. Jerry, you are... If you don't mind me

saying so. Thank you very much. What is this?

May I ask? You came into the room and you just lit it up.

Well, actually, this is just a way of regulation. You know, the concept of

homeostasis, which cools you down. Of course. Yeah, okay. Well, this is sort

like an ultra -homeostasis, which makes sure that I never have to sleep or eat

or defecate.

It just is all, it's one.

singular system, and it takes care of everything for me. Oh, I wish I could do

that. Believe me, if you'd like, I could install it for you. Oh, well, maybe

we'll chat about that after. Okay, sounds good. How about that? Business

please. Business after.

Professor Goodman, Jerry, I'm obviously a massive fan of yours.

For the viewers at home, if you don't mind letting them know what you do

specifically. Yes, of course. Well, I am in charge of many electrical and

mechanical procedures, and I feel like they are...

Just right there, right on the precipice of really changing the world for the

better. Yes. I see. Can you give us maybe an example of a few of your

inventions? Oh, of course. Well, I mean, this is perhaps the most visible one,

the claw, which is, you know, I love to bring it out. It's a little party trick

as we go.

You know, this was just the first one. This was just the beginning of it. But

since then, I have worked on different energy plans, ways of siphoning energy

from both mechanical and biological.

sources. People that are alive.

Biological sources, right? Plant life, perhaps animal life.

People? Well, only sometimes. And of course, with full consent. I have to

it clear they have all in full mental capacity.

signs the things with very, very little force.

I have to ask, with some of your, shall we call them enhancements? Oh, yes,

please. And, you know, I don't want to point out, but it's really such a

Some would maybe refer to them as machine -like.

Yes, well, I would almost hope that they would. Look, I think that there are

many people out there, and they say, oh, transhumanism, it is scary, it's

worrisome. But look at me.

I'm just like everyone else.

Oh. Sorry.

I'm sorry.

It's a nervous tick, you understand.

Can I ask? I'm so sorry. And if it's rude, please stop me. Do you have

Oh, I have complete control. Except for when I've had one too many martinis.

Okay. And then the clock gets its own thing.

Careful. Yeah, I'm very careful. But you'll see that I'm quite dexterous. Oh,

please. Which is what matters.

I've done all of my... I'd offer to help, but you... No, no, it's fine. I'm

good. I'm getting there.

I'm not thirsty.

I have heard you have recently got involved in local government. Oh, yes. I

mean, I have always been the kind of person that says, a person who wants to

into politics shouldn't be a politician.

And I have never, ever wanted to get into politics. But after, you know, our

mayor, after his tragic accident, I said, This needs a strong hand, a strong

claw, so to speak, to just help guide this chaos into something a

little bit more standardized.

We do have a couple of your campaign posters here. Vote for me or else.

right. Some people are saying it sounds a little threatening. Oh, well, at first

glance, sure, you say vote for me or else. What does that else mean? But else

could mean so many things, right? You know, vote for me or else you will vote

for the other person. It doesn't have to be read threateningly. Tongue.

Yeah. It's all about tone. It's all about tone. We're reading it in the

tone. Absolutely.

Speaking of tone and getting a clearer idea of that, we have one of your

campaign ads right here. Oh, thank you. You can go ahead and take a peek at

that. Goodbye.

This city means so much to me, as I'm sure it means so much to you.

Unfortunately, there are things that make this city worse.

Difficulty with public transportation, sanitary issues, the arts.

If you vote for me, Professor Avery Goodman, I can promise you that none of

those things will even exist anymore.

So vote for me. Or Elle.

I'm Avery Goodman and I approve this message.

May I be blunt? Of course.

Villainy.

A little villainy. Oh, now, I have heard that before, and it always really puts

a bee in my bonnet.

But I can understand where you're coming from. Sure. I can understand. You see

that and you say, oh, isn't there a little bit of malice in that voice? And

there never is.

There really never is. So what is that that I'm hearing, if not malice? It's

simply being absolutely correct.

Do you think? Yes, I think that what you're hearing is just a person who

beyond all doubt that they are right.

Now, Jerry, earlier this year, you did donate a box of your best inventions to

the Smithsonian.

They said, no, thank you.

And we were able to get our hands on those inventions. Oh, my goodness. All

right. So we can go ahead and get the first invention brought in here.

Thank you so much. One of my favorites.

You know what? You just keep holding on to that. Let's get that on you right

now, as soon as possible, as quickly as we can.

Let's get that right on there. Oh, hot claw, hot claw. Yes, make sure we buckle

that in. We don't want it to move anywhere, do we? My nails can just be so

difficult to work with. Oh, I understand.

Believe me.

Now tell me, when you look through there...

Yes, yes, yes. Just like that.

Doesn't the world just look a little bit more neat? I want to say I could be a

mile away with this. You absolutely can. That's just one of the added bonus

features of it. It is a lovely little thing that plugs straight into your

brainwaves. Is that what I'm feeling back here? The little tickle back there?

It's just an added bonus, I think. It also helps just clean up things. And as

you're reading certain things, whether it be about art or entertainment, it

gets rid of all of that unnecessary. Unnecessary stuff and gets right down to

the important things. Oh, sure. How long is the movie? Take a look at this. You

know? Oh, yeah. I'm just saying declarative words.

Exactly. Go ahead and take a look at me really quickly. Oh, wow.

Now, Vic, I know this might not be very professional, but your eyes are just

gorgeous. And if you don't mind me asking, on a scale of one to ten, how

you think you still need your eyes?

I do not need my eyes. You don't need your eyes? I do not need my eyes. That's

wonderful. That's just... Fabulous. Isn't that just fabulous, everyone?

What happened? Oh, that's good. Oh, don't worry about it here. We'll take

right on off. Oh, a little bit of pain as it comes off, and I'll just make sure

that that is far away from here. I don't want to get too close.

We can just go ahead and get our next invention in here.

Yes, please.

These are fun. These are beautifully made. Thank you very much. Comfortable,

minus the pain. Yes, of course.

Oh, thank you.

Now this one.

Vic, let me ask.

How frustrating is it when you wake up and you hear that alarm and you press

button and then you turn over and oh my gosh, it's 30 minutes later. Has that

ever happened to you?

Constantly. I'm feeling like I'm having whole adventures in my dream. Exactly.

The important thing to know about this one is that there's never a need to

about alarms ever again.

As you can see, you've already put your fingers right in there. Do you feel a

sort of circadian rhythm being just locked in?

There's the tick -tock of the clock, and you are right on with it, aren't you? I

am right on with it. You are right on with it, aren't you?

You're never going to have to worry about missing the bus again.

I'll just go ahead and grab that one from you. You can use this later today.

does that sound?

There we go. What happened?

Don't worry about it. I'm sorry.

I'm taking little power naps. I'm doing that now. I shouldn't be doing that on

air. I'm sorry.

That's fine. That's fine. What happened?

Oh, well, you know, we just made sure that the audience was still entertained.

Weren't you all entertained?

Very, very entertained. Well, you know what? We got one more invention here.

Maybe we can pull that out. We have one more invention. Bring it on out. One

more invention.

Oh, lightweight, compact. Thank you so much. What is this? You know, I have my

own pager. Some people say, oh, that's a little antiquated, isn't it? But the

thing about that pager right there is that it only tells you the important

messages you need to know. Oh, interesting. So much. We get our text

from, say, our grandparents.

They say, when are you coming to visit again? And those are not.

They really aren't because they can handle themselves and you can too. And

pager only gets specific messages directly from me. What do you do? You

it on here?

Oh, yeah, just go ahead and throw that right on there. Throw that right on

there? The beauty of that is that you don't actually need to check it.

I'm seeing Vic is already enjoying all of the benefits of this one. You hear

beep go off and then you immediately, oh, let's go ahead and do that thing

I was telling you to do. Isn't that nice?

I think, you know, we all have that sort of decision difficulty when we're

trying to order pizza. What are we going to have on it? But if I just go ahead

and say, a pepperoni here.

What are we ordering today, Vic?

Pepperoni.

Wonderful, Vic.

There's no pepperoni here. I'll go ahead and cancel that one real quick.

All right, we're good. You can come on back now.

Beautiful, fantastic.

And interview.

There we go.

Oh, we're back already, aren't we? Had a little commercial break.

I don't know what's happening to me. I think I'm losing my mind. Don't even

think about it.

Jerry, we have some questions for you as our resident scientist. We were hoping

you could maybe answer a few things for us. Guilty as charged, I'm a bit of a

nerd.

Professor, please explain, what is photosynthesis?

Oh, well, it's not going to be very necessary after I fix a few things

here, but if you want to get into it and we want to talk about the different

cycles, the Krebs cycle, a snooze fest, am I right?

And that's why I will be getting rid of it, so we don't have to worry too much.

Let's go to the next question.

Why is my mouth so dry when I wake up? Oh, well, it could be from the screaming

that you do and that feel of intense...

upset anger toward the world and toward yourself and and you just start sleeping

and you go and then you'll wake up and your mouth will be a little

bit dry but you can just drink some water it's solved it's not an issue and

here i was thinking it was sleep apnea oh no no no no no that's a different

thing entirely i see how many teeth does an adult human have at least three

What defines ultimate power?

I think that the most important thing when we discuss ultimate power is

You know, people tell me all the time, oh, you're the host. You must be in

charge of the show. You must be the most powerful one on set. You sort of said

that when you came in. And that's not true at all. I don't really have any

control over the set. It's the director and the producers. There's a lot of

people in top of me. Would you like to have full control over the set?

Would I like to?

I'm sure it would be nice.

People sort of respected me when I came in, right?

Yeah, of course.

I'm like, I'm so small compared to everyone else. Not physically,

quite tall.

Frustrating, isn't it? It's like I came in and our director, Tamar, was like,

hey, how was your night?

Right? And I'm like, you know my night was fine.

I got a lot going on. It's unnecessary.

It's a power play more than anything it feels like, right? So yeah, would I like

a little bit more control? Absolutely. Yeah, of course. What are you doing this

weekend? What do you want to know about my weekend? What do you need to know?

Why do you need to know about my weekend? I'm doing my things on my

you don't need to worry about it. So we do have one more question for you. Okay,

yes, please.

What is the meaning of life?

Well, I would say right now there is none.

But soon.

But soon? But soon.

Soon. Soon what will the meaning of life be?

Oh, well, you'll just leave that up to me, won't you?

Ask me in a couple months.

What's happening in a couple of months? I'm holding a festival.

You're holding a festival? A big, beautiful festival, and everyone is both

invited and mandatory attendance.

You do have to go. You released another campaign ad, actually, to tell us a

little bit more about it. Can we go ahead and roll that?

There is a deep -seated malignancy within these city walls, one that only I

excise. And on March 7th, there will also be a festival. A bouncy castle will

included. Come join us. You must.

Vote for me or Elle.

I'm Avery Goodman, and I approve this message.

Okay. You know, I think I personally need a minute after that

one, so we're going to cut to commercial.

Thank you.

Want a hot dog and one's not available?

Chomsky's potato chips.

America's crunchiest, heartiest, and tastiest chips.

So delicious.

Thank you all so much for joining us. We're almost out of time here on Very

Important People, but I know that you wanted to let me do one final campaign

spiel, but if you wouldn't mind, Vic, I really appreciate it if you did

that for me, wouldn't you? Please.

Join us.

Resistance is futile.

The town's square.

There will be a bouncy castle.

Oh, I can't wait to see you all there.

Fabulous work, Vic. Fabulous work.

We'll work on your intonation a little bit later, but I think that's pretty

good. I think that's just fine enough for our first attempt.

First of many, many.

Goodbye, everyone.

Other way, Vic.

Thank you.

I have to fix the mobility on that one.

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