Original subtitles

We'll return to Moby Dick right after these messages.

A hundred dollars a day.

Think of all the people we could help with that money.

What?

Oh, yeah.

Ourself.

Money, money, money.

I don't want to look at some dude's butt.

Change it, buddy. Come on, Viva.

This song kind of rocks.

Besides, later on...

They show a dog mad.

Oh, yeah.

I'll stick around for that.

Damn it. I'm sick of seeing water in videos.

Yeah, but this water is cool because it's, like, over by the power plant.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Remember when we went swimming by the power plant and it's,

like, all warm and stuff?

That was cool. No, it wasn't. Your turds were all orange for a month. And you

got those big blisters on your nads.

I know. That's what I'm saying. We're cool.

Flies in the Vaseline?

That's pretty cool.

Yeah. Remember when we put that fly in gasoline?

Oh, cool.

He didn't say gasoline, buddy. He said Vaseline.

I think that's like something different.

I know that, you dumbass.

Dammit, Davis, you always ruin everything.

No, I don't. I just was saying, you know, you talk about Vaseline. Well,

look, it's a dog nap.

Is that what you were talking about?

Uh, yeah, I think that was it.

That was cool.

What I personally like about telemarketing is the give and take.

You give them a call, and then you take their money.

Okay.

All right, well, boys, you have the right instinct.

You see, selling magazines is serious business. If we spend too much time

laughing on the job, well, we won't stay number one.

Number one.

Let's get on with your training.

Now, the more people we call, the more magazines we can... Do you have any,

like, adult magazines?

Yeah, yeah. Like National Geographic.

You dumbass.

Sometimes they show boob.

Let's get right down to it.

Now, these are your scripts, boys.

When you call a customer, don't try to get creative.

Simply follow what's on this card. The key is to keep talking so the customer

never has an opportunity to say no. Okay, now you try it. Uh, hello,

cut summer's name.

This is say your name, cowling. No, stupid. Say your name.

Uh, your name?

Say butthead. Butthead. No, when it says say your name, you say butthead.

Make up your mind, asswipe. Yeah, yeah. That's complicated.

Kirk to Scotty. Kirk to Scotty.

I need more speed, bunghole.

Here are your numbers. I get cracking.

He said crack.

Yeah.

Hello. My name is...

I'm calling to offer a special deal.

Uh, or something.

Well, now, you can stop right there, fella. Whatever you're selling, I ain't

-buying. Whoa, I got guns and ammo.

70s are pent up.

Guns and ammo?

Well, old Bessie is running a little low on shells.

I'll tell you what, sign me up for a gross.

Gross.

Comprende, amigo?

A gross, that's 144.

Who is this?

Your name and I have a special deal for you or

something.

It's in my pants.

You sicko.

So cool.

Hello?

Hey,

how's it going?

Who's calling, please?

Oh. I don't know. You must, like, have the wrong number or something.

Can I sign you up for something gross?

Gross.

That boy is a natural.

Hey, he's bouncing on his wiener. That's a pogo stick, dumbass. Oh, yeah.

Hey, that looks like that dude who comes by to check the bucane. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I saw that guy in my yard once. I thought he was a trespasser. So I

shooting him with my BB gun. Shut up, Davis. Those pigs are doing it.

Really? All right.

That's cool.

How come that pig can score and we can't?

Well, the only reason that pig scored is because he was, like, in a video.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I forgot about that.

Yeah.

Like, if pigs had a video, and, like, we were in that video, then, like, we

could score.

You mean, like, with a pig?

No, dumbass.

With a chick in the video.

With a chicken? No, Viva.

I'm talking, like, about, like, a human chick.

What's that?

Just a regular chick.

Oh, I see.

That's pretty cool.

What's the deal with this short dude?

Yeah, really.

Is he, like, in the band or is he just, like, some weird dude?

Really. Like, all these videos now, they, like, just get a couple weird

and, like, just shake the camera around and just, like, do a bunch of crap.

Yeah.

They need to get back to the basics, like chicks in bikinis and explosions.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cars, like, and they're all driven by chicks in bikinis.

It's a big thing, yeah.

Yeah.

Now, that's what I call a buzz clip.

Uh, God evening.

My name is your name, and I'm calling to offer you a special low,

uh, interdictionary rate. A what?

Uh, if you're a refrigerator walking...

Phones suck.

Son, you don't seem to be grasping the concept here. When you get someone on

phone, don't waste time talking about their refrigerator.

Get straight to the point of selling magazines.

Now, your friend here is our sales leader.

Yeah, yeah.

That would be cool.

I'm going to put this call on speakerphone so we can study his

For horny co -eds, press 1.

For the big, busty, and beautiful line, press two. To talk to two hot women at

once, press three.

Yeah, yeah.

Press me.

I'm a sales leader.

I'll press you, you little perp.

Uh,

that sucked.

Yeah, yeah.

She was about to, like, buy lots of magazines and stuff.

Uh, you're fucking... Cable access?

I think

this is one of those cable access shows where you

like call them up and they like do anything you want.

No way, really?

Let's call her up.

Yeah.

Let's tell her to like shut up and like...

Take all her clothes off and get over here right now?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She gets picked up something to eat? Yeah.

You can tell this is like the kind of chick that's like had her tubes tied.

How come you know this chick's had her tubes tied?

Just look at her, Beavis.

Oh, yeah.

I think I'm going to go tie my tube.

Shut up, diva.

Boy, that's music.

What music?

Oh, yeah.

What is it? To a heart's crap?

You know, like when you're playing poker?

Oh, yeah.

I'm familiar with that.

When I see this chick, there's a full house in my pants.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that was great.

Those squares remind me of that really stupid game that all those dorks play.

Um, chess?

Oh, yeah.

Doesn't even have anything to do with boobs.

Yeah, right.

Hey,

what is a 357?

Uh... That's like when someone turns all the way around in a circle, like when

they're slam dunking or something.

I'll be damned.

I'll be damned.

If I was a clown, I'd make it so, like, my head would explode when you pull my

finger, and all the crap would fly out of my head and, like, land on people and

stuff. Yeah, if I was a clown, I'd go to parties and, like, eat all the cake

and, like, take stuff home with me.

That's what you do at parties anyways, Viva. Yeah, but I'd be a clown, you

So, like, I'd have on these big shoes and stuff. Yeah, I'd be different.

If I was a clown, I'd kick your ass, Viva.

Until it's beet red.

I'd say, look at his butt.

Yeah, I'd like to say, thanks for coming to the show. Hope you had a good time.

See you next time.

Yeah. Yeah.

That would be cool.

Yeah, yeah.

We'd have to work out the timing and everything.