Original subtitles

Yesterday was election day in America,

Yesterday was election day in America, the first big election since Trump's

the first big election since Trump's

the first big election since Trump's 2024 victory. It was a chance to see if

2024 victory. It was a chance to see if

2024 victory. It was a chance to see if the Democrats had any pulse whatsoever.

the Democrats had any pulse whatsoever.

the Democrats had any pulse whatsoever. And last night's show, not only are they

And last night's show, not only are they

And last night's show, not only are they alive, they are coked up like Don Jr. at

alive, they are coked up like Don Jr. at

alive, they are coked up like Don Jr. at a crypto convention. Whoa.

a crypto convention. Whoa.

a crypto convention. Whoa. Whoa.

Whoa.

Whoa. Woo! They scored a 13-point victory in

Woo! They scored a 13-point victory in

Woo! They scored a 13-point victory in the New Jersey Governor Race, a 15point

the New Jersey Governor Race, a 15point

the New Jersey Governor Race, a 15point victory in the Virginia Governor Race, a

victory in the Virginia Governor Race, a

victory in the Virginia Governor Race, a landslide win for California's Prop 50.

landslide win for California's Prop 50.

landslide win for California's Prop 50. And

And

And let's not forget the biggest victory of

let's not forget the biggest victory of

let's not forget the biggest victory of the night, the one no one can stop

the night, the one no one can stop

the night, the one no one can stop talking about.

talking about.

talking about. >> Democrats flip two seats on Georgia's

>> Democrats flip two seats on Georgia's

>> Democrats flip two seats on Georgia's Public Service Commission in this year's

Public Service Commission in this year's

Public Service Commission in this year's election.

election.

election. >> Yeah, that is huge for our state.

>> Yeah, that is huge for our state.

>> Yeah, that is huge for our state. >> Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. The Georgia Public Service Commission.

The Georgia Public Service Commission.

The Georgia Public Service Commission. When I say Georgia Public, you say

When I say Georgia Public, you say

When I say Georgia Public, you say service commission. Georgia Public

service commission. Georgia Public

service commission. Georgia Public >> Service Commission.

>> Service Commission.

>> Service Commission. >> Georgia Public

>> Georgia Public

>> Georgia Public >> Service Commission. Oh man.

>> Service Commission. Oh man.

>> Service Commission. Oh man. Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Do you folks know what this means?

Do you folks know what this means?

Do you folks know what this means? >> Yeah. Seriously, do you know of any idea

>> Yeah. Seriously, do you know of any idea

>> Yeah. Seriously, do you know of any idea what this means? Okay, whatever. The

what this means? Okay, whatever. The

what this means? Okay, whatever. The Dems are taking the W. The point is,

Dems are taking the W. The point is,

Dems are taking the W. The point is, people were excited to vote, especially

people were excited to vote, especially

people were excited to vote, especially the younger generation.

the younger generation.

the younger generation. >> Hi, I'm so excited to vote. It's giving

>> Hi, I'm so excited to vote. It's giving

>> Hi, I'm so excited to vote. It's giving election day.

election day.

election day. >> It's giving election day.

>> It's giving election day.

>> It's giving election day. >> It's giving election day.

>> It's giving election day.

>> It's giving election day. >> Um, why are you here? What's the

>> Um, why are you here? What's the

>> Um, why are you here? What's the motivating factor?

motivating factor?

motivating factor? >> No, it's giving yes on Prop 50. It's

>> No, it's giving yes on Prop 50. It's

>> No, it's giving yes on Prop 50. It's giving hot people vote yes on Prop 50.

giving hot people vote yes on Prop 50.

giving hot people vote yes on Prop 50. [Applause]

[Applause]

[Applause] >> This clip is giving me a migraine. It's

>> This clip is giving me a migraine. It's

>> This clip is giving me a migraine. It's It's giving me second thoughts about

It's giving me second thoughts about

It's giving me second thoughts about democracy being for everybody.

democracy being for everybody.

democracy being for everybody. It's giving let's raise the voting age

It's giving let's raise the voting age

It's giving let's raise the voting age to one year older than she is. Uh

to one year older than she is. Uh

to one year older than she is. Uh but this you know what? You know what?

but this you know what? You know what?

but this you know what? You know what? This is a good reminder to everybody

This is a good reminder to everybody

This is a good reminder to everybody that when the Gen Zers at your office

that when the Gen Zers at your office

that when the Gen Zers at your office start glitching like that, it's it's

start glitching like that, it's it's

start glitching like that, it's it's good to unplug them for 10 seconds then

good to unplug them for 10 seconds then

good to unplug them for 10 seconds then restart.

restart.

restart. Usually fixes the issue. But still, you

Usually fixes the issue. But still, you

Usually fixes the issue. But still, you can see the enthusiasm. People all over

can see the enthusiasm. People all over

can see the enthusiasm. People all over the country were excited to vote, even

the country were excited to vote, even

the country were excited to vote, even people who could not technically

people who could not technically

people who could not technically speaking vote.

speaking vote.

speaking vote. >> Officials in Kentucky were flooded with

>> Officials in Kentucky were flooded with

>> Officials in Kentucky were flooded with complaints from voters demanding to know

complaints from voters demanding to know

complaints from voters demanding to know why polling places were closed. Kentucky

why polling places were closed. Kentucky

why polling places were closed. Kentucky Secretary of State cleared up the

Secretary of State cleared up the

Secretary of State cleared up the confusion, posting, quote, "Kucky votes

confusion, posting, quote, "Kucky votes

confusion, posting, quote, "Kucky votes next year. You cannot vote in Kentucky

next year. You cannot vote in Kentucky

next year. You cannot vote in Kentucky for the mayor of New York City or the

for the mayor of New York City or the

for the mayor of New York City or the governor of Virginia." Sorry,

>> K. Kentucky.

>> K. Kentucky. >> How can I put this respectfully?

>> How can I put this respectfully?

>> How can I put this respectfully? You are not giving intelligence.

You are not giving intelligence.

You are not giving intelligence. Of course, the biggest story of the

Of course, the biggest story of the

Of course, the biggest story of the night was Zoran Mdani who is

Zoran Mdani who is democratically

Zoran Mdani who is democratically elected as Sultan of the People's

elected as Sultan of the People's

elected as Sultan of the People's Republic of Al New York.

Republic of Al New York.

Republic of Al New York. Mdani won by assembly in a coalition of

Mdani won by assembly in a coalition of

Mdani won by assembly in a coalition of young people, working-class families,

young people, working-class families,

young people, working-class families, pagan graphic designers, non-binary

pagan graphic designers, non-binary

pagan graphic designers, non-binary baristas, and of course, Bushwick

baristas, and of course, Bushwick

baristas, and of course, Bushwick couples looking to make him their third.

couples looking to make him their third.

couples looking to make him their third. Meanwhile, his opponent, Andrew Cuomo,

Meanwhile, his opponent, Andrew Cuomo,

Meanwhile, his opponent, Andrew Cuomo, had his votes eaten into by Republican

had his votes eaten into by Republican

had his votes eaten into by Republican candidate Curtis Siwa. It was an

candidate Curtis Siwa. It was an

candidate Curtis Siwa. It was an unfortunate divide, but Quuomo's voters

unfortunate divide, but Quuomo's voters

unfortunate divide, but Quuomo's voters took it graciously.

took it graciously.

took it graciously. >> Hey Curtis, you're aing scumbag. Like I

>> Hey Curtis, you're aing scumbag. Like I

>> Hey Curtis, you're aing scumbag. Like I said all along, all these months, youing

said all along, all these months, youing

said all along, all these months, youing got 8% of the vote. You split the vote.

got 8% of the vote. You split the vote.

got 8% of the vote. You split the vote. You sold out like Judah sold out

You sold out like Judah sold out

You sold out like Judah sold out Jesus for the dirty coins and silver. Go

Jesus for the dirty coins and silver. Go

Jesus for the dirty coins and silver. Go yourself.

yourself.

yourself. Whoa.

I like hearing Bible stories told that

I like hearing Bible stories told that way.

way.

way. Maybe I should go to church in Staten

Maybe I should go to church in Staten

Maybe I should go to church in Staten Island. Jesus curing the lepers.

Island. Jesus curing the lepers.

Island. Jesus curing the lepers. Meanwhile, Mary Magdalene is over here

Meanwhile, Mary Magdalene is over here

Meanwhile, Mary Magdalene is over here with the big slapping around.

with the big slapping around.

with the big slapping around. Forget about it. Corinthians 4:16.

Forget about it. Corinthians 4:16.

Forget about it. Corinthians 4:16. While some New Yorkers are turning so

While some New Yorkers are turning so

While some New Yorkers are turning so red Curtis Leewa could wear them as a

red Curtis Leewa could wear them as a

red Curtis Leewa could wear them as a hat, other New Yorkers are processing

hat, other New Yorkers are processing

hat, other New Yorkers are processing their emotions in a different way.

their emotions in a different way.

their emotions in a different way. >> New Yorkers are going to flee. They're

>> New Yorkers are going to flee. They're

>> New Yorkers are going to flee. They're going to flee New York because of Zoron

going to flee New York because of Zoron

going to flee New York because of Zoron Manni.

Manni.

Manni. >> His win still sets the stage for a large

>> His win still sets the stage for a large

>> His win still sets the stage for a large mass exodus out of New York. this guy in

mass exodus out of New York. this guy in

mass exodus out of New York. this guy in charge. You know, they're talking about

charge. You know, they're talking about

charge. You know, they're talking about a million people leaving New York City.

a million people leaving New York City.

a million people leaving New York City. >> A full 9% of people say that they will

>> A full 9% of people say that they will

>> A full 9% of people say that they will leave.

leave.

leave. >> Wow. You You're telling me 9% of

>> Wow. You You're telling me 9% of

>> Wow. You You're telling me 9% of apartments are about to become

apartments are about to become

apartments are about to become available?

available?

available? >> Oh,

>> Oh,

>> Oh, holy.

holy.

holy. Holy That would be the fastest a

Holy That would be the fastest a

Holy That would be the fastest a mayor has ever delivered on a campaign

mayor has ever delivered on a campaign

mayor has ever delivered on a campaign promise.

promise.

promise. But seriously, you know, seriously

But seriously, you know, seriously

But seriously, you know, seriously though, I I don't I don't want a million

though, I I don't I don't want a million

though, I I don't I don't want a million people to leave New York City. I want

people to leave New York City. I want

people to leave New York City. I want two million people to leave New York

two million people to leave New York

two million people to leave New York City. My subway commute this morning was

City. My subway commute this morning was

City. My subway commute this morning was so packed I had to sit on an elderly

so packed I had to sit on an elderly

so packed I had to sit on an elderly man's lap and he was already stacked on

man's lap and he was already stacked on

man's lap and he was already stacked on top of a pregnant teenager.

top of a pregnant teenager.

top of a pregnant teenager. Now, I highly doubt that most people

Now, I highly doubt that most people

Now, I highly doubt that most people will follow through on their threats to

will follow through on their threats to

will follow through on their threats to leave New York, but it turns out one New

leave New York, but it turns out one New

leave New York, but it turns out one New Yorker already has his bags packed, and

Yorker already has his bags packed, and

Yorker already has his bags packed, and he happens to be the current mayor of

he happens to be the current mayor of

he happens to be the current mayor of New York City.

New York City.

New York City. >> Countries are calling me and asking me

>> Countries are calling me and asking me

>> Countries are calling me and asking me to come and do what I did in New York

to come and do what I did in New York

to come and do what I did in New York City. It's an amazing opportunity that's

City. It's an amazing opportunity that's

City. It's an amazing opportunity that's waiting for me. I can fly private now. I

waiting for me. I can fly private now. I

waiting for me. I can fly private now. I can go on a cruise. I can hang out in

can go on a cruise. I can hang out in

can go on a cruise. I can hang out in St. Bart. And the joy of it when y'all

St. Bart. And the joy of it when y'all

St. Bart. And the joy of it when y'all come and say, you know, what are you

come and say, you know, what are you

come and say, you know, what are you doing uh going to uh Spain? I could just

doing uh going to uh Spain? I could just

doing uh going to uh Spain? I could just give you the finger and keep it moving.

give you the finger and keep it moving.

give you the finger and keep it moving. I had to be stuck on stupid to want to

I had to be stuck on stupid to want to

I had to be stuck on stupid to want to do this again, you know. So, let me

do this again, you know. So, let me

do this again, you know. So, let me bounce, man. I got a whole life to live.

bounce, man. I got a whole life to live.

bounce, man. I got a whole life to live. Hey. Hey, man. No one forced you to be

Hey. Hey, man. No one forced you to be

Hey. Hey, man. No one forced you to be mayor.

mayor.

mayor. You ran for mayor. And also, you're

You ran for mayor. And also, you're

You ran for mayor. And also, you're currently the mayor.

currently the mayor.

currently the mayor. You have two months left. It's way too

You have two months left. It's way too

You have two months left. It's way too early to give a Jerry Maguire speech.

early to give a Jerry Maguire speech.

early to give a Jerry Maguire speech. You I'm out after Christmas.

You I'm out after Christmas.

You I'm out after Christmas. Right now, let's brainstorm on trash

Right now, let's brainstorm on trash

Right now, let's brainstorm on trash pickup, shall we? And by the way, why

pickup, shall we? And by the way, why

pickup, shall we? And by the way, why are you wearing a tuxedo shirt? Are you

are you wearing a tuxedo shirt? Are you

are you wearing a tuxedo shirt? Are you starting your day or ending it? How does

starting your day or ending it? How does

starting your day or ending it? How does this work? But I will say this, whether

this work? But I will say this, whether

this work? But I will say this, whether you voted for mom Donnie or Cuomo or you

you voted for mom Donnie or Cuomo or you

you voted for mom Donnie or Cuomo or you split your vote for Curtis Leewa, you

split your vote for Curtis Leewa, you

split your vote for Curtis Leewa, you scumbag.

scumbag.

scumbag. All of us New Yorkers are going to miss

All of us New Yorkers are going to miss

All of us New Yorkers are going to miss Eric Adams. So, as the mayor heads off

Eric Adams. So, as the mayor heads off

Eric Adams. So, as the mayor heads off into the great Turkish Airlines lounge

into the great Turkish Airlines lounge

into the great Turkish Airlines lounge in the sky,

in the sky,

in the sky, let's take one last look back at the

let's take one last look back at the

let's take one last look back at the legacy he left behind.

If

If >> New York City is the greatest city on

>> New York City is the greatest city on

>> New York City is the greatest city on the globe, that makes me the greatest

the globe, that makes me the greatest

the globe, that makes me the greatest mayor on the globe. This is a place

mayor on the globe. This is a place

mayor on the globe. This is a place where every day you wake up uh you could

where every day you wake up uh you could

where every day you wake up uh you could experience everything from a plane

experience everything from a plane

experience everything from a plane crashing into our trade center to a a

crashing into our trade center to a a

crashing into our trade center to a a person who's celebrating a new business

person who's celebrating a new business

person who's celebrating a new business that's open. We know New York City is

that's open. We know New York City is

that's open. We know New York City is the Islamabad of America is the Legos of

the Islamabad of America is the Legos of

the Islamabad of America is the Legos of America. The Athens of America Lima

America. The Athens of America Lima

America. The Athens of America Lima Porter Prince ke Zabreb New York City is

Porter Prince ke Zabreb New York City is

Porter Prince ke Zabreb New York City is the Istanbul of America. I start the day

the Istanbul of America. I start the day

the Istanbul of America. I start the day with telling my team, "We got to follow

with telling my team, "We got to follow

with telling my team, "We got to follow the law." I sleep well at night with my

the law." I sleep well at night with my

the law." I sleep well at night with my little teddy bear because I follow the

little teddy bear because I follow the

little teddy bear because I follow the rules. I was not offered any position uh

rules. I was not offered any position uh

rules. I was not offered any position uh to go to Turkey, to eat turkey, to do

to go to Turkey, to eat turkey, to do

to go to Turkey, to eat turkey, to do anything else.

anything else.

anything else. >> I'm not going to resign. I'm going to

>> I'm not going to resign. I'm going to

>> I'm not going to resign. I'm going to rain.

rain.

rain. >> I'm like broccoli. You're going to hate

>> I'm like broccoli. You're going to hate

>> I'm like broccoli. You're going to hate me now, but you're going to love me

me now, but you're going to love me

me now, but you're going to love me later.

later.

later. >> I'm Gandhi. Like, I think like Gandhi. I

>> I'm Gandhi. Like, I think like Gandhi. I

>> I'm Gandhi. Like, I think like Gandhi. I act like Gandhi. I want to be like

act like Gandhi. I want to be like

act like Gandhi. I want to be like Gandhi. 1:00 a.m. in the morning, I'm

Gandhi. 1:00 a.m. in the morning, I'm

Gandhi. 1:00 a.m. in the morning, I'm sitting in the back of a closed barber

sitting in the back of a closed barber

sitting in the back of a closed barber shop or beauty salon smoking a cigar and

shop or beauty salon smoking a cigar and

shop or beauty salon smoking a cigar and drinking some henny or sing with M

drinking some henny or sing with M

drinking some henny or sing with M Scott.

Scott.

Scott. >> It's not the tweet. It's the street. You

>> It's not the tweet. It's the street. You

>> It's not the tweet. It's the street. You have to inspect what you expect or is

have to inspect what you expect or is

have to inspect what you expect or is all suspect. When I do my dime, I can do

all suspect. When I do my dime, I can do

all suspect. When I do my dime, I can do my time and I won't hear one anyone

my time and I won't hear one anyone

my time and I won't hear one anyone whine. This is a city of swagger. We

whine. This is a city of swagger. We

whine. This is a city of swagger. We need a mayor of swagger. We can talk

need a mayor of swagger. We can talk

need a mayor of swagger. We can talk about erectile dysfunction but not

about erectile dysfunction but not

about erectile dysfunction but not clitoring stimulation. Something's

clitoring stimulation. Something's

clitoring stimulation. Something's wrong. I heard a shorty that lived out

wrong. I heard a shorty that lived out

wrong. I heard a shorty that lived out here. Shannon pie with your boo. It's

here. Shannon pie with your boo. It's

here. Shannon pie with your boo. It's like that's the ultimate. You may drive

like that's the ultimate. You may drive

like that's the ultimate. You may drive by. You may see eye candy sent down

by. You may see eye candy sent down

by. You may see eye candy sent down somewhere. You may want to slip them

somewhere. You may want to slip them

somewhere. You may want to slip them your number. I don't know what I'll do

your number. I don't know what I'll do

your number. I don't know what I'll do without my my incense, my candles, my

without my my incense, my candles, my

without my my incense, my candles, my bubble baths, and my roses.

bubble baths, and my roses.

bubble baths, and my roses. >> I hate rats. Rats.

>> I hate rats. Rats.

>> I hate rats. Rats. >> Rats. Rats may be listening. I'm

>> Rats. Rats may be listening. I'm

>> Rats. Rats may be listening. I'm terrified of rats. We're going to kill

terrified of rats. We're going to kill

terrified of rats. We're going to kill rats. If you're not scared of rats, you

rats. If you're not scared of rats, you

rats. If you're not scared of rats, you are you are really you're my hero. All

are you are really you're my hero. All

are you are really you're my hero. All my haters become my waiters when I sit

my haters become my waiters when I sit

my haters become my waiters when I sit down at the table of success.

down at the table of success.

down at the table of success. >> I'm a lion and lions don't lose sleep

>> I'm a lion and lions don't lose sleep

>> I'm a lion and lions don't lose sleep over the opinions of sheep. Andrew Cuomo

over the opinions of sheep. Andrew Cuomo

over the opinions of sheep. Andrew Cuomo is a snake and a liar. I'm here today to

is a snake and a liar. I'm here today to

is a snake and a liar. I'm here today to endorse Andrew Cuomo. You know, I wake

endorse Andrew Cuomo. You know, I wake

endorse Andrew Cuomo. You know, I wake up in the morning at sometime and look

up in the morning at sometime and look

up in the morning at sometime and look at myself and I get myself defended. I

at myself and I get myself defended. I

at myself and I get myself defended. I am the pilot, folks, and you are all

am the pilot, folks, and you are all

am the pilot, folks, and you are all passengers. Pray for me to land the

passengers. Pray for me to land the

passengers. Pray for me to land the plane cuz there's no parachutes on this

plane cuz there's no parachutes on this

plane cuz there's no parachutes on this plane. We're all going down together if

plane. We're all going down together if

plane. We're all going down together if they like it or not. I'm the mayor. Cuz

they like it or not. I'm the mayor. Cuz

they like it or not. I'm the mayor. Cuz as I go to the next leg of my journey,

as I go to the next leg of my journey,

as I go to the next leg of my journey, I'm leaving you a good city. Don't

I'm leaving you a good city. Don't

I'm leaving you a good city. Don't it up.

it up.

it up. [Applause]

[Applause]

[Applause] [Music]