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Today, Donald Trump announced a major

Today, Donald Trump announced a major deal to drastically cut the price of

deal to drastically cut the price of

deal to drastically cut the price of Ozempic and other weight loss drugs.

Ozempic and other weight loss drugs.

Ozempic and other weight loss drugs. It's all part of his campaign promise

It's all part of his campaign promise

It's all part of his campaign promise and his one consistent principle of no

and his one consistent principle of no

and his one consistent principle of no fatties.

fatties.

fatties. He made the announcement at the Oval

He made the announcement at the Oval

He made the announcement at the Oval Office today in an event that turned

Office today in an event that turned

Office today in an event that turned into a major HIPPA violation.

into a major HIPPA violation.

into a major HIPPA violation. >> Secretary Howard Lutnik,

>> Secretary Howard Lutnik,

>> Secretary Howard Lutnik, do you take any of this stuff, Howard?

do you take any of this stuff, Howard?

do you take any of this stuff, Howard? >> I have. Okay, good. CMS administrator

>> I have. Okay, good. CMS administrator

>> I have. Okay, good. CMS administrator measure,

head of public relations for the White

head of public relations for the White House.

House.

House. He's taking it.

He's taking it.

He's taking it. [Applause]

[Applause]

[Applause] Steve, he's on OMIC. Told his wife he's

Steve, he's on OMIC. Told his wife he's

Steve, he's on OMIC. Told his wife he's been doing CrossFit in the garage, but

been doing CrossFit in the garage, but

been doing CrossFit in the garage, but nope, it's Ompic. Steve's got to be

nope, it's Ompic. Steve's got to be

nope, it's Ompic. Steve's got to be careful, though, because I heard Ompic

careful, though, because I heard Ompic

careful, though, because I heard Ompic interacts with Seal Alice, which Steve

interacts with Seal Alice, which Steve

interacts with Seal Alice, which Steve is also on.

is also on.

is also on. You know what? Joking aside, obesity is

You know what? Joking aside, obesity is

You know what? Joking aside, obesity is a serious issue. So, this could be a

a serious issue. So, this could be a

a serious issue. So, this could be a benefit. Dr. Oz, you're a doctor

benefit. Dr. Oz, you're a doctor

benefit. Dr. Oz, you're a doctor theoretically. Uh, give us a reasonable

theoretically. Uh, give us a reasonable

theoretically. Uh, give us a reasonable expectation of success here.

expectation of success here.

expectation of success here. >> Mr. President, our estimate based on the

>> Mr. President, our estimate based on the

>> Mr. President, our estimate based on the company numbers as well is Americans

company numbers as well is Americans

company numbers as well is Americans will lose 135 billion pounds by the

will lose 135 billion pounds by the

will lose 135 billion pounds by the midterms.

midterms.

midterms. >> Whoa.

>> Whoa.

>> Whoa. 135 billion pounds by the midterms. Why

135 billion pounds by the midterms. Why

135 billion pounds by the midterms. Why the midterms?

the midterms?

the midterms? Did they add a swimsuit competition to

Did they add a swimsuit competition to

Did they add a swimsuit competition to those?

those?

those? Look, I'm no mathematician, but 135

Look, I'm no mathematician, but 135

Look, I'm no mathematician, but 135 billion pounds divided by 340 million

billion pounds divided by 340 million

billion pounds divided by 340 million Americans means we each have to lose

Americans means we each have to lose

Americans means we each have to lose 400 lb by the midterms.

400 lb by the midterms.

400 lb by the midterms. Look, and I know that sounds like a lot,

Look, and I know that sounds like a lot,

Look, and I know that sounds like a lot, but remember that's just the average.

but remember that's just the average.

but remember that's just the average. Some people will only lose 300 lb, while

Some people will only lose 300 lb, while

Some people will only lose 300 lb, while other people will lose 500 lb. Some of

other people will lose 500 lb. Some of

other people will lose 500 lb. Some of us will lose no pounds at all, which

us will lose no pounds at all, which

us will lose no pounds at all, which will be offset by everyone losing 800

will be offset by everyone losing 800

will be offset by everyone losing 800 lb.

lb.

lb. The point is, regardless of how much you

The point is, regardless of how much you

The point is, regardless of how much you lose, Donald Trump will be tracking it

lose, Donald Trump will be tracking it

lose, Donald Trump will be tracking it and announcing your personal results at

and announcing your personal results at

and announcing your personal results at a press conference.

a press conference.

a press conference. And by the way, another crazy thing that

And by the way, another crazy thing that

And by the way, another crazy thing that happened at this health conference is

happened at this health conference is

happened at this health conference is that someone had a health emergency. He

that someone had a health emergency. He

that someone had a health emergency. He passed out. They attended to him. He's

passed out. They attended to him. He's

passed out. They attended to him. He's fine. But I only bring it up because it

fine. But I only bring it up because it

fine. But I only bring it up because it resulted in one of the greatest images

resulted in one of the greatest images

resulted in one of the greatest images of the Trump presidency.

of the Trump presidency.

of the Trump presidency. [Applause]

Look at this. Everyone is attending to

Look at this. Everyone is attending to this guy. Meanwhile, Donald Trump is

this guy. Meanwhile, Donald Trump is

this guy. Meanwhile, Donald Trump is zoned out like he's in a a marriage

zoned out like he's in a a marriage

zoned out like he's in a a marriage counseling session.

counseling session.

counseling session. You know what? All kidding aside, Mr.

You know what? All kidding aside, Mr.

You know what? All kidding aside, Mr. President, I appreciate your war on fas.

President, I appreciate your war on fas.

President, I appreciate your war on fas. You're you're the America first

You're you're the America first

You're you're the America first president. I'm just glad you're focused

president. I'm just glad you're focused

president. I'm just glad you're focused on the American people. If the Nigerian

on the American people. If the Nigerian

on the American people. If the Nigerian government continues to allow the

government continues to allow the

government continues to allow the killing of Christians, the USA will

killing of Christians, the USA will

killing of Christians, the USA will immediately stop all aid and assistance

immediately stop all aid and assistance

immediately stop all aid and assistance to Nigeria. We're going to do things to

to Nigeria. We're going to do things to

to Nigeria. We're going to do things to Nigeria that Nigeria is not going to be

Nigeria that Nigeria is not going to be

Nigeria that Nigeria is not going to be happy about and may very well go into

happy about and may very well go into

happy about and may very well go into that now disgraced country. Guns are

that now disgraced country. Guns are

that now disgraced country. Guns are blazing.

blazing.

blazing. >> Whoa.

>> Whoa.

>> Whoa. Guns are blazing. I mean, if you say so,

Guns are blazing. I mean, if you say so,

Guns are blazing. I mean, if you say so, President Yoseite Sam,

President Yoseite Sam,

President Yoseite Sam, >> you know what?

>> you know what?

>> you know what? Maybe, maybe try it again, but with a a

Maybe, maybe try it again, but with a a

Maybe, maybe try it again, but with a a bit more gravitas.

bit more gravitas.

bit more gravitas. >> I'm hereby instructing our Department of

>> I'm hereby instructing our Department of

>> I'm hereby instructing our Department of War to prepare for possible action. If

War to prepare for possible action. If

War to prepare for possible action. If we attack, it will be fast, vicious, and

we attack, it will be fast, vicious, and

we attack, it will be fast, vicious, and sweet.

Fast, vicious, and sweet.

Fast, vicious, and sweet. You talking about military action or a

You talking about military action or a

You talking about military action or a new wing sauce on hot ones? I

new wing sauce on hot ones? I

new wing sauce on hot ones? I look I I don't know where this attack on

look I I don't know where this attack on

look I I don't know where this attack on Nigeria came from. And I'm not the only

Nigeria came from. And I'm not the only

Nigeria came from. And I'm not the only one. Trump's boys on Newsmax were also a

one. Trump's boys on Newsmax were also a

one. Trump's boys on Newsmax were also a little surprised.

little surprised.

little surprised. >> You know what? It's about time someone

>> You know what? It's about time someone

>> You know what? It's about time someone stood up for Christians. Rob, he's he's

stood up for Christians. Rob, he's he's

stood up for Christians. Rob, he's he's doing a lot. Uh that's that's a big one.

doing a lot. Uh that's that's a big one.

doing a lot. Uh that's that's a big one. Nigeria came out of left field. Yeah,

even the anchors on Newsmax are like,

even the anchors on Newsmax are like, "Uh, where the did Nigeria come from? I

"Uh, where the did Nigeria come from? I

"Uh, where the did Nigeria come from? I prepared 20 minutes on Bad Bunny doing

prepared 20 minutes on Bad Bunny doing

prepared 20 minutes on Bad Bunny doing the Super Bowl. Now I guess I'll I'll

the Super Bowl. Now I guess I'll I'll

the Super Bowl. Now I guess I'll I'll pivot to Nigerian holy war. [ __ ]

pivot to Nigerian holy war. [ __ ]

pivot to Nigerian holy war. [ __ ] You know what? It seems like President

You know what? It seems like President

You know what? It seems like President Trump has the time to start lowering the

Trump has the time to start lowering the

Trump has the time to start lowering the price of weight loss drugs and

price of weight loss drugs and

price of weight loss drugs and fermenting war with Nigeria because

fermenting war with Nigeria because

fermenting war with Nigeria because turns out there's not much else going

turns out there's not much else going

turns out there's not much else going on.

on.

on. >> The government shutdown is now the

>> The government shutdown is now the

>> The government shutdown is now the longest in American history.

longest in American history.

longest in American history. >> Yeah, that's right. The shutdown.

>> Yeah, that's right. The shutdown.

>> Yeah, that's right. The shutdown. Nothing's going on because the

Nothing's going on because the

Nothing's going on because the government is irrevicably broken. It's

government is irrevicably broken. It's

government is irrevicably broken. It's day 37 of the shutdown and there's no

day 37 of the shutdown and there's no

day 37 of the shutdown and there's no end in sight. Especially because Trump

end in sight. Especially because Trump

end in sight. Especially because Trump still refuses to even meet with the

still refuses to even meet with the

still refuses to even meet with the Democrats. At this rate, by the time the

Democrats. At this rate, by the time the

Democrats. At this rate, by the time the government opens back up, Mike Johnson

government opens back up, Mike Johnson

government opens back up, Mike Johnson will have gone through puberty.

will have gone through puberty.

will have gone through puberty. And look, don't worry, Mike. Those hairs

And look, don't worry, Mike. Those hairs

And look, don't worry, Mike. Those hairs are supposed to be there. Okay?

You know what? It's fine if the shutdown

You know what? It's fine if the shutdown stretches on forever. It's not It's not

stretches on forever. It's not It's not

stretches on forever. It's not It's not like things are falling apart.

like things are falling apart.

like things are falling apart. >> New details about the FAA's plan to make

>> New details about the FAA's plan to make

>> New details about the FAA's plan to make unprecedented reductions to air traffic

unprecedented reductions to air traffic

unprecedented reductions to air traffic beginning tomorrow to ensure the safety

beginning tomorrow to ensure the safety

beginning tomorrow to ensure the safety of the flying public during the

of the flying public during the

of the flying public during the government shutdown. The list of the 40

government shutdown. The list of the 40

government shutdown. The list of the 40 airports that will be affected from

airports that will be affected from

airports that will be affected from Hartsville Jackson in Atlanta to LAX in

Hartsville Jackson in Atlanta to LAX in

Hartsville Jackson in Atlanta to LAX in Los Angeles and from Miami to JFK in New

Los Angeles and from Miami to JFK in New

Los Angeles and from Miami to JFK in New York.

York.

York. >> 40 of the top airports. That's all the

>> 40 of the top airports. That's all the

>> 40 of the top airports. That's all the important airports.

important airports.

important airports. And don't come at me Buffalo Lancaster

And don't come at me Buffalo Lancaster

And don't come at me Buffalo Lancaster Regional Airport. Your Hudson News is

Regional Airport. Your Hudson News is

Regional Airport. Your Hudson News is [ __ ] That New Yorker was from two

[ __ ] That New Yorker was from two

[ __ ] That New Yorker was from two months ago. Get out of town.

months ago. Get out of town.

months ago. Get out of town. Look, this is going to mess up travel

Look, this is going to mess up travel

Look, this is going to mess up travel for the holidays for most of the

for the holidays for most of the

for the holidays for most of the country. And the airlines plans for how

country. And the airlines plans for how

country. And the airlines plans for how to avoid this not super helpful.

to avoid this not super helpful.

to avoid this not super helpful. >> Frontier CEO making this recommendation.

>> Frontier CEO making this recommendation.

>> Frontier CEO making this recommendation. If your flight is canled, your chances

If your flight is canled, your chances

If your flight is canled, your chances of being stranded are high. So I would

of being stranded are high. So I would

of being stranded are high. So I would simply have a backup ticket on another

simply have a backup ticket on another

simply have a backup ticket on another airline.

airline.

airline. [Applause]

[Applause]

[Applause] >> Frontier Airlines wants me to get a

>> Frontier Airlines wants me to get a

>> Frontier Airlines wants me to get a backup ticket. Respectfully, you're the

backup ticket. Respectfully, you're the

backup ticket. Respectfully, you're the backup ticket.

You've always been the backup ticket. It

You've always been the backup ticket. It goes United, then Southwest, then

goes United, then Southwest, then

goes United, then Southwest, then American, then the Goodyear blimp, then

American, then the Goodyear blimp, then

American, then the Goodyear blimp, then a catapult,

a catapult,

a catapult, then Frontier Airlines.

then Frontier Airlines.

then Frontier Airlines. So,

So,

So, here's where we are. Our reality, our

here's where we are. Our reality, our

here's where we are. Our reality, our reality right now is that the president

reality right now is that the president

reality right now is that the president is spending his time doting on his pet

is spending his time doting on his pet

is spending his time doting on his pet projects and starting new wars while the

projects and starting new wars while the

projects and starting new wars while the country is scrambling to deal with the

country is scrambling to deal with the

country is scrambling to deal with the immediate crises that he is actively

immediate crises that he is actively

immediate crises that he is actively ignoring. If only there was a a picture

ignoring. If only there was a a picture

ignoring. If only there was a a picture that would offer a perfect metaphor for

that would offer a perfect metaphor for

that would offer a perfect metaphor for this.

Now,

Now, in the meantime,

in the meantime,

in the meantime, if you were hoping to travel to any

if you were hoping to travel to any

if you were hoping to travel to any major city anytime soon, you're [ __ ] out

major city anytime soon, you're [ __ ] out

major city anytime soon, you're [ __ ] out of luck. Although, there is one place

of luck. Although, there is one place

of luck. Although, there is one place that's taking advantage. The government

that's taking advantage. The government

that's taking advantage. The government shutdown is ruining air travel. Flights

shutdown is ruining air travel. Flights

shutdown is ruining air travel. Flights are cancelled in cities around the

are cancelled in cities around the

are cancelled in cities around the country, except for one. Come to

country, except for one. Come to

country, except for one. Come to Moneygap, Nebraska. Our airport is

Moneygap, Nebraska. Our airport is

Moneygap, Nebraska. Our airport is unaffected by the shutdown because we

unaffected by the shutdown because we

unaffected by the shutdown because we don't even have one. Your plane can just

don't even have one. Your plane can just

don't even have one. Your plane can just land on the highway. No one's using it.

land on the highway. No one's using it.

land on the highway. No one's using it. Our little town has everything you were

Our little town has everything you were

Our little town has everything you were planning to do somewhere else. Were you

planning to do somewhere else. Were you

planning to do somewhere else. Were you looking to play slots in Vegas? Well, we

looking to play slots in Vegas? Well, we

looking to play slots in Vegas? Well, we got a pay phone that sometimes gives up

got a pay phone that sometimes gives up

got a pay phone that sometimes gives up a quarter. Try your luck. You don't need

a quarter. Try your luck. You don't need

a quarter. Try your luck. You don't need Nashville to have a bachelorette party.

Nashville to have a bachelorette party.

Nashville to have a bachelorette party. We got a large storage shed, a boom box,

We got a large storage shed, a boom box,

We got a large storage shed, a boom box, and a copy of Jock Jams 4. Traveling for

and a copy of Jock Jams 4. Traveling for

and a copy of Jock Jams 4. Traveling for loss in the family. We don't have your

loss in the family. We don't have your

loss in the family. We don't have your grandma's funeral, but we'll have a

grandma's funeral, but we'll have a

grandma's funeral, but we'll have a grandma's funeral. People die here all

grandma's funeral. People die here all

grandma's funeral. People die here all the time. And you won't miss the beauty

the time. And you won't miss the beauty

the time. And you won't miss the beauty and splendor of the Grand Canyon when

and splendor of the Grand Canyon when

and splendor of the Grand Canyon when you can stare at our sinkhole. Been

you can stare at our sinkhole. Been

you can stare at our sinkhole. Been there since 79. Forget seeing Mickey and

there since 79. Forget seeing Mickey and

there since 79. Forget seeing Mickey and Donald at Disney World. We've got our

Donald at Disney World. We've got our

Donald at Disney World. We've got our own lovable animal friends, specifically

own lovable animal friends, specifically

own lovable animal friends, specifically feral hogs with a taste for human flesh.

feral hogs with a taste for human flesh.

feral hogs with a taste for human flesh. And why spend the holidays strolling the

And why spend the holidays strolling the

And why spend the holidays strolling the streets of Manhattan when you can come

streets of Manhattan when you can come

streets of Manhattan when you can come here and do fentanyl? You don't need a

here and do fentanyl? You don't need a

here and do fentanyl? You don't need a fancy convention center to host your

fancy convention center to host your

fancy convention center to host your business conference. Come here instead

business conference. Come here instead

business conference. Come here instead and do fentanyl. You don't need to pay

and do fentanyl. You don't need to pay

and do fentanyl. You don't need to pay for expensive glamping here. You can

for expensive glamping here. You can

for expensive glamping here. You can sleep pretty much anywhere except there.

sleep pretty much anywhere except there.

sleep pretty much anywhere except there. That's the Douglas Ranch and he shoots

That's the Douglas Ranch and he shoots

That's the Douglas Ranch and he shoots to kill. You don't need a New Year's Eve

to kill. You don't need a New Year's Eve

to kill. You don't need a New Year's Eve wedding in Miami. We'll marry you here.

wedding in Miami. We'll marry you here.

wedding in Miami. We'll marry you here. No Catholics. Here at Muddy Gap, we're

No Catholics. Here at Muddy Gap, we're

No Catholics. Here at Muddy Gap, we're not worried about the shutdown because

not worried about the shutdown because

not worried about the shutdown because we don't even recognize the authority of

we don't even recognize the authority of

we don't even recognize the authority of the federal government. And when the

the federal government. And when the

the federal government. And when the final war comes, you'll join us in our

final war comes, you'll join us in our

final war comes, you'll join us in our last stand against the globalists. Muddy

last stand against the globalists. Muddy

last stand against the globalists. Muddy Gap, America's only remaining vacation

Gap, America's only remaining vacation

Gap, America's only remaining vacation destination.

destination.

destination. [Music]