All language subtitles for The Two Ronnies s10e05.eng

Good evening, it's wonderful to be back
with you once again, isn't it, Ronnie?

Indeed it is, and in a packed programme
tonight, I shall be talking to members

of the Special Patrol Group of the
Society for Psychic Research, who rushed

London today to investigate the
unexplained sighting of a porter at

Station.

And I'll be introducing you to the
Brazilian coffee millionaire who's built

house in his own grounds.

But first, the news.

The Minister of Defence is to
investigate allegations about a recent

which members of both the Parachute
Regiment and the Women's Royal Army

were given medals.

Apparently it got rather out of hand and
turned into a bit of a gong -bong.

In America, a Congressional Committee of
Inquiry has been appointed to

investigate recent claims that convicted
criminals lead lives of luxury.

This follows the recent case of an
Albuquerque man who was sentenced to the

electric sofa.

Police have stepped up the search for
Laxley Druitt, the Member of Parliament

who's gone off his chump.

They fear that in his present state of
mind, he might do something sensible.

There was swift justice today for the
Bridlington man accused of impersonating

truck.

He was bound under for 14 days.

Motoring news. Following the success of
The Talking Maestro, next week sees the

launch of a new car that tells jokes.

It's called the Laughing Cavalier.

And fears that the increase in the
numbers of burglaries might damage the

national economy were confirmed today,
when the pound fell six points against

the stolen video.

But now for a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie
Barker, a man with such amazing

reserves of stamina, he once stayed
awake all the way through a Paul Daniels

trick.

the beef bourguignon.

Who don't? He don't. There's only one
geezer in there. He says it's tasteless,

lumpy and cold, he says.

Oh, you mean he's not very keen on it?
No.

Oh, well, we can't have that. We'll have
to see what we can do about that, won't

we, Alphonse? We will indeed, Chef,
yeah. Right, I'll tell you what we do.

See if you can find them Brussels
sprouts we had left over from yesterday.

Oh, I like it, I like it. Brussels
sprouts.

Where are the Brussels sprouts at?

Right, stick them in here. Yeah, we'll
do it. Yes, yes.

That's right.

Right, there we are. Now then, bit of
mustard.

Ah, you must have read my thoughts,
Chef. Yeah, just a soup salt.

He said it was a bit cold, didn't he?
Yeah, he did. He won't say that again,

will he?

Not much else for that matter, I don't
suppose. No, he won't. Any other

complaints, did he? Yeah, he wasn't over
-chuffed about the meat.

He said it was horse.

A horse?

What does he think this is, the Ritz?

I know. And he said he only had one
lump. Oh, did he? Oh, well, we'll give

another lump. There we are. Oh, yes.
That's a good idea. That's the idea.

His gain will be Tittle's loss.

She didn't reckon it much anyway, did
she? No, she didn't. Well, she had

that cat, didn't she?

All you can say for the customer, that's
what I would say. That's right. And be

that dodgy bit of tripe over there,
would you? Oh, yeah.

If it'll stay still long enough.

Alan, surely?

No, perish at all. Perish at all.

Oh, dear.

Oh, I don't know. No, why not?

Nothing's too good for our valued
patron. That's it.

He still lacks a bit of something. He's
a bit thin, isn't he?

I'll tell you what I'm going to do. Here
you are.

I'll give him one of these.

That's the idea.

That's it.

That's it.

Right. Listen. Listen. Listen.

What's that?

A blue bottle? A blue bottle in my
kitchen?

Hasn't it read the hygiene regulations?

Where is it?

Well

caught,

well caught, Alphonse.

Can't say there's no body in it now, can
you?

Extra protein at no extra cost.

We aim to please, don't we, Alphonse?
Indeed. Do you know what he had the

temerity to suggest?

What? That the plate was dirty.

Oh, did he? Oh, lackaday and
lamentations. Well, I'll fix that.

Yes. I'll fix that.

That's right, that's it. There we are.
Now he can see his face in it. I told

that Egon Ronnie often passes this
restaurant. I told him that distinctly.

He told me to put a sock in it, he said.

A sock? Yeah, put a sock in it. The man
must be psyched. Yeah.

It can't be clean, never mind.

No, no. It's the next best thing, isn't
it? Extra content of high fibre. That's

right, yes. Now, we'll give him a dollop
of this here. Yes, that's right. Like

that, see? That's it. There we are.

Some of that and some of that. Now, you
take this round.

Yes. To our lovely gourmet friend.

Yes. That's right. See what he thinks of
that, all right? I'll do that, yes.

There you go. Right.

Hey, hang on, hang on. You haven't got
your thumb in it.

Oh, what I never learned, Chef. Is that
better?

That's lovely.

That's it.

Tell him, give him the compliments of
the house, and tell him if there's

anything else we can do, we'll do it all
over him.

Would you believe it? What? He's gone.

Gone? Yeah. After me slaving my fingers
to the bone? I know. What a flaming

liberty. Still, still good to play.

Please welcome this week's guest, ladies
and gentlemen, Stephanie Lawrence.

Think about me and you.

Think of all the changes we've been
through.

The times get hard strong

and it will

This time we were through The passion
was in pain My

heart had changed Then in the morning
light

And it will rock.

by people not being very well.

The fact is we simply don't get enough
exercise. How about a gruelling 75 -mile

hike across the moors?

Personally, I like nothing better.

So every Saturday morning, that's
exactly what I do. Nothing.

Now, I had a letter from a viewer in
Peebles who writes, how can I get a body

like Jane Fonda's? Well, Mr. Dinsley,
you won't get it overnight.

Certainly not with Jane Fonda, you
won't, will you?

But thanks to the revolution of
aerobics, it is possible for... That is

down to a shapely hourglass figure.

Here we are.

Look at that.

It's all right if you like that sort of
thing.

Of course, since then, I've managed to
put it back on.

Much to the relief of my wife. Now, here
is something.

Here is something to exercise your
stomach muscles.

A BBC cheese and chutney sandwich.

That reminds me, I must clean out the
budges cage when I get home.

But remember, too much exercise can
bring problems. A few weeks ago, my

secretary, Miss Tumbleton, had the
misfortune to overdo it with the chest

expanders. She went sunbathing topless
on Brighton Beach and everyone asked

who'd moved the pavilion.

Eventually, she was asked to cover up
her minarets.

To compensate, the next day she went
jogging.

Came back with two black eyes.

a heavy sweater, such as Eamon Andrews.

How can we cut down on calories in our
food? One simple tip is to put a brick

your steak and kidney pie.

The British Rail have been doing that
for years.

Try to cut down on fats. Now here is a
plate of ordinary fish fingers with the

batter removed.

Oh no, sorry, that's the new cholesterol
-free cheese omelette, I'm sorry.

Another tip, in future try... cooking
your fried eggs in sunflower oil. They

delicious. There we are.

There's one.

Now, over here is my assistant, Miss
Willits, and she has the recommended

breakfast for swimmers.

There we are.

One glass of fruit juice, one ounce of
cottage cheese, and two crackers.

Breakfast in bed can be fun. So, which
are the foods that are bad for you?

the simple answer is all of them.

All food is extremely harmful, and the
only way to stay really healthy is not

eat anything at all.

Or the F .A. Plan diet, as we call it.

Cyril Smith has been on this diet now
for two weeks.

Yesterday, I asked him how he found it,
to which he replied with a mirror on a

stick.

But, of course, he was in a bad mood
because he'd just shaved off some

hair around his navel.

and got booked for having a bald spare
tyre.

But, of course, some foods are much
worse for you than others. A report out

today shows that pork sausages can be a
considerable health hazard, particularly

to pigs, of course.

So, in future, they will all carry this
government health warning.

Doctors think twice before eating a pork
sausage.

Certainly in Golders Green they do,
anyway.

If you want to find out how to lose 11
pounds in one week, just write off now

for my special booklet, enclosing 11
pounds.

It's a general rule of thumb only,
things that taste absolutely disgusting.

more disgusting the taste, the better
something is for you. The exception, of

course, being Bernard Manning.

So, finally, to sum up, take more fibre
and more exercise and start every

morning like I do, with three plates of
Orban and a quick 100 -metre dash. Good

health!

I say, Humphrey, what is it, Godfrey?
You don't mind if I smoke my pipe, do

Not if you don't mind my being sick, old
chap.

Oh, that's all right.

Good God, that's a rather highly
coloured sock you're wearing there, old

isn't it? Wonderful, isn't it? Fantastic
colouring. Hand -knitted in the Congo,

you know.

Not another like it in England.

I bet you a fiver there is, old chap.

Done, right. Where is it? On your other
leg.

Cycling, sir. Your daughter's bought a
bicycle, has she?

Yeah, she loves it. It goes everywhere
on it. Really? Well, she's a farmer's

wife. I thought the money would be
better spent on a cow, wouldn't it?

look a bit of a fool riding round on a
cow.

Yeah. Not half as much a fool as she'd
look trying to milk a bicycle.

Hello there.

Hello, old boy. I say, it's rather
crowded, wasn't it? Very crowded.

Very, very difficult to have a
conversation without feeling someone is

overhearing one. Oh, I've solved all
that. Oh, really?

Oh, yes. I've invented aristocratic
rhyming slang.

Oh, really? A -R -S for short.

It doesn't sound very...

How does it actually work? Oh, it's
simple, old boy. You see, you have the

school ties here. You have the Mary
Rose. You have the Lords and Peers.

And you have the old... Audley Street
South. Very good. And you've got the

little... Pink gin. Pink gin.
Absolutely.

Got it in one, yes.

And then when you leap into your car,
you see, you grab hold of the Lord Privy

Seal and you press the old Knight of the
Garter. What?

No, I'm sorry, I don't follow that.

Well, Lord Privy Seal wheeled Knight of
the Garter's starter.

You see what I mean?

Sorry, I've been frightfully favel row
over that. Yes, you weren't exactly on

the Royal Albert Hall, were you?

Once one gets the hang of it, it's not
at all Grenadier Garter. Oh, no.

No, it's absolutely simple. And the
beauty of it is, you see, you can talk

anyone without anyone knowing what the
artesian well you're talking about is.

It was St. James's Park. Oh, it is,
absolutely. Why don't we have a little

about the jerseys? The jerseys?

Girls, oh, girls.

Oh, jersey cows.

No, no.

Jerseys and pearls, oh, boy.

A jersey cow. Oh, I don't know, perhaps
you're right.

You have to raise your Rolls Royce a
little. I can't hear above the Henley

regatta. I know, it is a bit like... I
say, she's a bit on the centre court

side, isn't she?

Now, she's much too huntball.

Oh, yes, absolutely. My, Joe, what a
magnificent upper crust.

And that one's coming out. Really? I
didn't know that.

It's out to it. Yes, it's out to it,
yes.

I say, you see this one? The one with
the string of marquis and earls round

neck. Oh, she's delightful. The proper
little Lucinda Pryor Palmer she is. I

mean, she's got a wonderful little
anchovy paste, hasn't she? And a

pair of plover's eggs.

Rather a nice pedigree chum as well.

What about this girl in the corner? Oh,
that one over there, she looks three

parts amethyst to me.

She is a real Park Lane in the
Knightsbridge underpass.

I see. Here she comes again. Look.

Looking for more booze?

She'll lose her Richmond and Twickers
before the night's out.

What about that yachting chap over
there? Well, the one with the pink

and the rather fancy castle moat? Yes.
Do you think he's, um... What, Richmond,

dear? Almost certainly, yes.

What about a little more Harrods
hampers? Well, just a daddy's yacht.

we are. What do you think of the
pheasant and grouse?

Well, this room's all right. I think the
rest of the place isn't a bit of a

Buckingham gate.

Yes, it is a bit, really.

Apparently, he is something in Katie
Boyle. I remember last year when Camilla

smoked a point -to -point, rushed
upstairs and was immediately sick in the

Fortnum & Mason.

And poor old Gwendolyn slipped at the
top of the stairs, went for a right road

in and girt and all the way down the
stairs, landed flat on her children's

nanny.

the wife, otherwise she'll be in a
proper buck's fist.

Yes, I must dash to the Cambridge Blue.
I'm dying for a shore and by sea.

Three dogs, seven horses and a wife.

Oh Mary, the voices are calling.

They're calling and telling me to go.

But before I set out on my journey,
there's one thing that

I gotta know.

Do they play country music in heaven?

Are there still four square beats to a
bar?

Can I find a backing group among the
angels?

Can I swap my plucking harp for a
guitar?

Cause I can't, I just can't leave my
music.

It's the thing that has served me so
well.

So if I can't... Play my music in heaven
I'll go play my

music in hell And with that he lay back
on his pillow

With a sad dreamy look in his eye And
his soul

saddled up and departed For that pearly
stockade in the sky

And there stood St. Peter waiting

That big rhinestone gate But before I go
in Said the singer

Said Peter I must know my fate Do they
play

country music in heaven Are there still
four square beats to a bar

Can I find a backing group among the
angels Can I swap my

plucking heart for a guitar

Cause I can't, I just can't leave my
music.

It's the thing that has served me so
well.

So if I can't play my music in heaven,
I'll go play my

music in hell.

Come inside now, said Peter, and rest
you.

Change out of them dirty old things.

Try these breeches of snowy white
buckskin.

And this waistcoat with slits for your
wings.

Yes, you can play your music in heaven.

And your guitar is safe in your hands.

There is no room in hell for a singer.

Because it's too full of rock and roll
bands.

So he played country music in heaven.

And there were four square feet to the
bar.

And he found a backing group among the
angels.

And he swapped his plunking harp for a
guitar.

I say, Humphrey.

What is it, Godfrey? It says here, a
firm bust in four weeks.

Well, that's nothing. My brother's firm
went bust in a fortnight.

No, no, no.

It's an advert for women.

Well, don't answer it, old chap. You've
got one.

Talking of women, have you seen the new
maid in the bar?

Yes, I have. I've seen better legs on a
piano.

And with a piano, you'll get one extra.

Bit of a gold digger, too, you know.

Really? Yes, oh, yes.

I can read women like a book. What
system do you use?

Braille.

The problem with life is, you know, when
you're young, you can't afford women,

and by the time you've got money to
burn, the fire's gone out.

Like my brother.

He still chases his secretaries around
the desk, but he can't remember why.

Good evening, Arthur.

Good evening, Arthur.

You're early.

Yes, me house is on fire.

Oh, dear.

Have you rung up the... fire brigade.

No, I'm going to wait till six, get the
cheap rate.

How are you going to have? A pint a
mile?

Oh, no, I'm on halves these days.

I'll have two.

Oh.

Hey, your picture's upside down.

I know, it's a Turner.

Oh.

We've got a Beethoven at home.

Well, he's a musician.

I know, it's a rotten picture.

Do you know what Beethoven's last words
were?

Pardon? That's right.

Oven -ready canary you've got there.

No, no, do you want to buy it?

Why, what's wrong with it? It's got
three legs, look.

How much?

Two quid a leg.

Oh, no, I've only got five, Pete. I've
got change.

That could be a rat, you know, Arthur.

I thought you said it was an oven -ready
turkey.

No, no, I mean that noise in the
cupboard there. Oh, don't worry about

That's been going on there since last
Christmas. Oh, has it? Oh, talking of

Christmas, do you know Bert?

husband up to a point. Oh, what point
was that? The point when he ran off with

the bridesmaid while his bride was
signing the register.

Well, that's marriage, isn't it, Arthur,
eh?

It's my silver divorce next Tuesday, you
know.

Oh, well, I wish you good health.

Cheers. Tell me, what day of the week
does Good Friday fall on?

Well, it fell on a Thursday this year.

So did my dog, you know. Oh, yeah.

He was a grand little fella. No, he was.
He just used to throw the stick and

say, fetch Morris.

Yeah, did he fetch it? Yeah. No.

Why not? Well, he wasn't called Morris,
you see.

He was named Stanley.

After the footballer, you know. What,
Stanley Matthews? No, John McEnroe.

John McEnroe don't play football. Well,
neither did the dog, did he?

It won't open, though.

No, it's bank holiday.

Oh, that's right. Nothing opens bank
holiday, does it? No.

Could be dry rot, you know.

We had a woodworm once, but it died.

Oh, really? What of?

It was drowned in the rising damp.

Somebody told me a funny story the other
night. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was Christmas

Eve, and the shepherd was on the
hillside, you see, and he was just, he

um... Oh, uh, what do you do to a sheep?

Eardick. Oh, I can't very tell you then.

Listen, why don't you unlock the
cupboard?

Well, I can't find the key.

Well, maybe it's inside.

Well, have a look then. All right.

Oh, look at that now. It's old Bert.

He's been in there since last year.
Yeah. I'd better take him home. He'll be

missed. As a newt.

Thank you, Emma. I know what you're
thinking.

I know what you're thinking.

That's the first time I've seen a garden
mole wearing glasses.

And who left that SAS action man in the
chair?

No, it is pathetic, isn't it? You know,
a comedian of my enormous stature, you

know.

Do I hear sniggers sometimes about the
word comedian? No.

No, that is what I am.

But to be honest, my wife has made me
put this on because I have a small cold.

A small cold what? You're all out.

No, no, she was very insistent that I
should wrap up.

Or was that the producer? I can't
remember.

Anyway, it is fair enough, I suppose,
because I do seem to attract all manner

ailments these days. Only a few weeks
ago, my hush puppies caught distemper.

And I was always very sickly as a child,
especially with my thighs.

As a baby, I was so small, I could only
have one measle at a time.

And sniffly noses do run in our family.

Now, my old Uncle Herbert, for instance,
has a lot of trouble breathing these

days. He's dead.

No, he's not, no.

That is just a story he puts about to
get sympathy.

It's understandable my wife worries,
because it does get very nippy here at

BBC.

Only this morning the producer's
secretary said she was going away to get

jumper to warm her up.

Two hours later we found her in a broom
cupboard with Davy Thompson.

So my wife was very firm about it. Put
your woolly blala clava on, she said,

and stay out of drafts. She said, if you
take that off, she said, I will never

speak to you again.

That's the best offer I've had all week.

No, the fact is that my wife has been
rather moody just lately.

For one thing, the house is in rather a
state.

In fact, our carpets are so filthy, the
vacuum cleaner's developed a hernia.

We've been having a lot of trouble
fixing up her driving insurance as well.

never an easy job.

The day she passed the test, Lloyds of
London sounded the lutein bell.

Personally, I think she was wrong.

taking lessons from her brother -in
-law. He used to drive a muck spreader.

He was Nigel Dempster's chauffeur.

Quite a good point there. The other
night, I woke up at three o 'clock in

morning, and there she was, my wife,
just standing there, gazing mournfully

through the window, just like that.

Just gazing.

She looked so sad.

Eventually, I had to get up and let her
in.

No, I know.

I know why she's upset. We had a little
tiff about how to redo our

front garden.

I wanted a nice lawn with all the little
ornaments, and she wanted crazy paving.

In the end, we reached a compromise and
had the garden gnome certified.

It's actually amazing that our marriage
has survived at all when I think

everything she's had to put up with over
the years.

Like the time on our honeymoon when I
had to be given a bump start.

We were driving round the continent and
the car broke down. Please.

You are awful, you lot. Honestly.

I should have known better, really. I'd
just bought one of those cheap, tinny

French cars with the ring pool sunroof.

And I'll never forget the awful boarding
house we stayed in. My goodness, pokey.

It was so small, they cleaned the
windows with Optrex.

But I digress.

On to tonight's story, which actually
really truly did happen at our last end

-of -series party. After the last show
in every series,

party up in the bar the producer was
leaving and we wanted to give him a

so we bought him a private helicopter
and i say private helicopter it was more

sort of you know very primitive kind of
you know auto gyro thing you know let's

be honest it was magnus pike in a bucket
and as he's As

he spoke to me, the producer, as the
producer spoke, a tear bedimmed his eye.

Ronnie, he said, today is the birthday
of my dear old Irish mother. How I wish

could hear that song, he said. She used
to sing to me as a child.

Paddy me boy.

Just for old time's sake.

And it was the first time I've seen him
cry since someone cracked the

combination lock in his wallet.

I don't mind saying I was deeply
touched.

I was deeply touched.

There you are. I told you I didn't mind
saying it.

Because I have known our old producer
for many years.

I mean, he, to be honest, plucked me
from obscurity when I was still doing

-ons for Magic Roundabout.

That was about the time when Zebedee had
been a little bit naughty.

You know what I mean? And we'd just all
heard that Florence was expecting a

spring baby.

I thought there must be something I can
do here for the dear old producer. So I

went into the corridor out to have a
think. And who should I bump into in the

corridor getting into a lift but Joe
Loss and the orchestra.

carrying their instruments. So I rushed
over to Joe. I said, look, before you go

home, a great favour. You'd think your
boys would come into the bar and play a

few verses of Paddy Me Boy for our
producers, you see.

It's his mother's birthday and it would
mean the world to him. So he said, of

course, of course, we'll only be two,
please. So they all trooped back into

bar and took their positions, ready to
play. Then one of the band pipes up. He

says, just a minute, Joe. He says, Paddy
Me Boy, Paddy Me... How does that go?

And Joe Ross said, well, don't ask me. I
thought you all knew, he said. The chap

said, well, I don't know. I'd never
heard of it.

Whereupon it transpires that no one in
the orchestra, not even Bertie on the

drums, not even Bertie on the drums, had
heard

of the song, Paddy Me Boy. So to cut a
long story short, the producer is called

over. Joe Ross says, look, it's very
embarrassing.

He said, the band here would love to
play you a song. Mother used to sing to

you, but none of us seemed to know it.

This Paddy Me Boy. How does it go?

I said, oh, he said, it goes like this.
He goes, Paddy Me Boy, is that the

jackanoo?

Thank you.

you

Well, that seems to be just about all we
have time for tonight, doesn't it,

Ronnie? Yes, indeed it does.

But before we go, a few late items.

Bad news tonight concerning missing gang
leader and drag artist Sylvan Velour.

Apparently he's been found at the bottom
of the Thames wearing a pair of

concrete slingbacks.

This afternoon, Mr Cyril Smith sat on an
all -party Commons committee.

They hope to be back at work on Sunday.

And in today's Swiss skiing
championships, Rolf Schneiderhaus

remarkable double. He won the men's
downhill in 57 seconds, sat on the sharp

of his ski stick and won the uphill in
56 seconds.

Claims that animals can develop the
characteristics of their owners was

confirmed today when a racehorse
belonging to Clement Freud was

boring.

Finally, the BBC announced... tonight
that as a special tribute to Selwyn

Wedgley, the film world's leading
understudy, the BBC will be showing a

season of everybody else's films.

How true, how true.

In next week's programme, we shall be
meeting breakfast TV astrologist Russell

Grant, who consulted his prune stones at
lunchtime today and decided not to

tinker with his tailor but soldier on
till he met a sailor.

Until then, it's goodnight from me. And
it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.

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