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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:31,989 Good evening. It's wonderful to be back with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Indeed 2 00:00:31,990 --> 00:00:35,629 it is. And in a packed program tonight, we shall be meeting the horsewoman who's 3 00:00:35,630 --> 00:00:39,360 covered her horse with lettuce and tomato because she wanted to ride side 4 00:00:41,150 --> 00:00:46,249 We'll be talking to a man who crossed a padded bra with plaster of Paris and got 5 00:00:46,250 --> 00:00:47,810 a completely false impression. 6 00:00:47,811 --> 00:00:52,709 And we had hoped to have been bringing you Arthur the Human Chameleon, but this 7 00:00:52,710 --> 00:00:55,960 afternoon he crawled across a tartan rug and died of exhaustion. 8 00:00:59,690 --> 00:01:00,740 But first, the news. 9 00:01:00,970 --> 00:01:05,389 West Mersey, a police, announced tonight that they wish to interview a man 10 00:01:05,390 --> 00:01:07,570 wearing high heels and frilly knickers. 11 00:01:07,950 --> 00:01:11,260 But the chief constable says they must wear their normal uniform. 12 00:01:13,410 --> 00:01:16,410 The Income Tax Records Office caught fire today. 13 00:01:16,810 --> 00:01:20,480 Reports state that almost two firemen fought the blaze for over a minute. 14 00:01:23,500 --> 00:01:27,439 And now a sketch featuring Mr. Ronnie Barker, whose family theatrical 15 00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:31,120 started when his grandfather went to America and got stage struck. 16 00:01:31,340 --> 00:01:33,180 He was run over by Wells Fargo. 17 00:01:43,420 --> 00:01:44,470 Sixteen across. 18 00:01:46,020 --> 00:01:49,580 It's green and often found on football pitches. 19 00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:51,080 Five letters. 20 00:01:51,710 --> 00:01:53,630 G -R -A something something. 21 00:01:55,570 --> 00:01:58,350 Green, often found on football pitches. 22 00:01:59,530 --> 00:02:03,430 G -R -A something something. 23 00:02:07,310 --> 00:02:08,360 Grandstand? 24 00:02:09,729 --> 00:02:13,690 That's too long, grandstand. No. G -R -A something something. 25 00:02:14,070 --> 00:02:15,870 Groth. What? 26 00:02:16,110 --> 00:02:18,770 Groth. A child of five can say it's groth. 27 00:02:18,771 --> 00:02:22,219 Excuse me, I mean, who's doing this crossword? Me or you? 28 00:02:22,220 --> 00:02:26,279 Well, would you try not to talk so loud, please? We're all trying to do proper 29 00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:27,330 crosswords here. 30 00:02:27,380 --> 00:02:28,430 Oh, I'm sorry. 31 00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:29,490 Oh, sorry. 32 00:02:29,491 --> 00:02:33,059 Proper crosswords. What do you mean by that, proper crosswords? I'm trying to 33 00:02:33,060 --> 00:02:36,899 the Mephistopheles in the Financial Times, a crossword which you wouldn't 34 00:02:36,900 --> 00:02:37,950 where to start. 35 00:02:37,951 --> 00:02:41,599 As it happens, I could do any crossword put in front of me, including Mrs. Dr. 36 00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:42,650 Dauntless. 37 00:02:43,440 --> 00:02:49,410 Just happens. that I prefer the sun, junior coffee time, easy clues, that's 38 00:02:50,150 --> 00:02:51,530 It's just a matter of taste. 39 00:02:51,930 --> 00:02:52,980 The sun. 40 00:02:53,210 --> 00:02:54,890 People only buy that for one thing. 41 00:02:55,650 --> 00:02:56,970 Rather, a couple of things. 42 00:02:58,870 --> 00:02:59,920 Two across. 43 00:02:59,970 --> 00:03:01,410 There you are. See what I mean? 44 00:03:03,490 --> 00:03:07,830 They peck holes in your milk bottle tops. 45 00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:20,420 Something something T -S. 46 00:03:23,180 --> 00:03:25,560 That's a typical sun clue, that is. 47 00:03:27,500 --> 00:03:30,090 Peck holes in your milk bottle top, sunny sunny T -S. 48 00:03:30,340 --> 00:03:31,390 Bats. 49 00:03:34,340 --> 00:03:35,390 Bats. 50 00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:37,010 Bats. 51 00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:41,020 Since when did you last see a bat peck a hole in your milk bottle top? 52 00:03:41,980 --> 00:03:43,600 Well, it might do if it was hungry. 53 00:03:44,220 --> 00:03:45,540 You're the one that's bats. 54 00:03:46,890 --> 00:03:49,550 answer to that clue, I suggest you look at page three. 55 00:03:50,670 --> 00:03:55,030 Now, please try to resist as I am attempting to concentrate. 56 00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:08,530 It's red, it smells, and it's often picked in the garden. Four letters, 57 00:04:08,830 --> 00:04:10,790 something, O -S -E. 58 00:04:20,611 --> 00:04:22,659 It's rose. 59 00:04:22,660 --> 00:04:23,710 Rose. It's obvious. 60 00:04:23,940 --> 00:04:27,060 It's red, it smells, and it's often picked in the garden. Rose. 61 00:04:27,740 --> 00:04:28,820 Well, it could be nose. 62 00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:37,440 You know, I've never seen anything like that, Crosford. 63 00:04:37,441 --> 00:04:41,939 I've really never seen anything like it. I mean, you've got it all absolutely 64 00:04:41,940 --> 00:04:44,410 wrong. I mean, look. Look what you've got here. Look. 65 00:04:44,540 --> 00:04:46,080 Place where fish are kept. 66 00:04:46,440 --> 00:04:47,490 You've got coop. 67 00:04:49,391 --> 00:04:53,539 you last hear of fish being kept in a coop? 68 00:04:53,540 --> 00:04:58,860 Co -op, yes. Fish are kept for co -op. 69 00:04:59,860 --> 00:05:04,959 What's this one here? You've got a strange animal found in a hive. You've 70 00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:06,010 queer bee. 71 00:05:08,660 --> 00:05:10,120 Well, but it's queen. 72 00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:13,560 Well, it's the same thing. Oh, no, it's not. 73 00:05:15,140 --> 00:05:17,220 Certainly not down my road, it's not. 74 00:05:18,040 --> 00:05:20,660 Queen, it has to be queen because of the N on the end. 75 00:05:21,020 --> 00:05:25,619 fits in with the clue that goes down, you see. Look, he always plays with big 76 00:05:25,620 --> 00:05:26,670 ears. 77 00:05:27,580 --> 00:05:28,630 Roddy? 78 00:05:32,780 --> 00:05:34,580 Roddy? It's Noddy, you fool. 79 00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:40,260 Roddy in Toyland. No, it's not Roddy in Toyland, it's Noddy. Roddy in Toyland, 80 00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:42,260 big ears, a piecey plop. 81 00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:47,540 know anything, PC Plod was naughty. 82 00:05:47,541 --> 00:05:50,739 His name is Roddy. Of course he's naughty. His name is Noddy. He was 83 00:05:50,740 --> 00:05:54,259 Noddy because he had a bell on his hat, and every time he nodded, it rang. He 84 00:05:54,260 --> 00:05:55,959 used to go, hello, I'm little Noddy. 85 00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:57,420 I'm little Noddy, not Noddy. 86 00:05:57,421 --> 00:06:01,319 All right, all right, I'm sorry. I do apologize. It's this man who's driving 87 00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:02,370 mad. 88 00:06:02,371 --> 00:06:07,649 I've only got one clue left. Oh, good. Terrific. Now, look, ladies and 89 00:06:07,650 --> 00:06:10,829 gentlemen, if we just help him with this last clue, do you think he'll shut up? 90 00:06:10,830 --> 00:06:14,389 We'll ask him. If we help you with this clue, will you shut up? I promise. Oh, 91 00:06:14,390 --> 00:06:17,169 good. He's promised. Go on, then. What's your last clue? Go on. 92 00:06:17,170 --> 00:06:23,210 Six across, four letters, often found in the bottom of a birdcage. 93 00:06:27,890 --> 00:06:29,770 Something, something, I .T. 94 00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:40,010 Great. 95 00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:43,170 Excellent. 96 00:06:43,720 --> 00:06:44,780 Great, of course. 97 00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:48,020 Has anybody got a rubber? 98 00:06:54,471 --> 00:06:56,499 Hello, love. 99 00:06:56,500 --> 00:06:58,020 Hello. No, it's me. 100 00:06:58,660 --> 00:07:00,220 It's me, love. Aye, aye, it's me. 101 00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:03,160 Look, I'm sorry I didn't ring you last night. 102 00:07:03,580 --> 00:07:04,820 No, I wasn't in pub. 103 00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:07,960 I say I wasn't in pub. 104 00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:10,500 Look, I can't shout. I'm in pub. 105 00:07:11,820 --> 00:07:14,650 Look, I haven't come in for a drink. I've come to phone you. 106 00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:17,840 Because phone box by the duck pond has been vandalised. 107 00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:20,410 Vandalised. 108 00:07:21,320 --> 00:07:22,620 Vandalised. V for virgin. 109 00:07:23,780 --> 00:07:25,600 Virgin. No, I wasn't with a virgin. 110 00:07:26,380 --> 00:07:30,380 I said V for virgin is the first letter of vandalised. 111 00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:33,680 Vandalised. V for victory. 112 00:07:34,220 --> 00:07:35,400 A for anthea. 113 00:07:37,280 --> 00:07:39,630 Anthea? No, I wasn't with a girl called Anthea. 114 00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:41,720 No, she's not a virgin, love, no. 115 00:07:42,740 --> 00:07:47,659 I haven't scored a victory over anyone, love. There's no such person. Now, don't 116 00:07:47,660 --> 00:07:48,980 start getting jealous now. 117 00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:50,100 Eh? You what? 118 00:07:50,101 --> 00:07:52,819 Oh, you heard that, did you? 119 00:07:52,820 --> 00:07:56,239 Yeah, I didn't say I wasn't having a drink, love. I said I hadn't come in for 120 00:07:56,240 --> 00:08:00,239 drink. No, but the phone's in the pub, you see, so you've got to have a drink 121 00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:01,290 use the phone. 122 00:08:01,580 --> 00:08:03,200 Who saw me in the bull last night? 123 00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:06,740 Oh, well, I did pop into the bull to use the toilet. 124 00:08:08,100 --> 00:08:09,560 Can't shout, I'm in pub, love. 125 00:08:10,460 --> 00:08:13,400 Toilet. The public one's shut, it's been vandalised. 126 00:08:14,660 --> 00:08:21,200 Vandal... I had a drink because you can't just go into a pub to use toilet. 127 00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:25,350 Aye, I just popped into the crown as well, but only to use toilet. 128 00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:28,280 I needed toilet in the crown. 129 00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:31,460 I had a drink in bull when I used... 130 00:08:34,159 --> 00:08:36,209 I had to have a drink in the Crown to use it. 131 00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:38,559 All I had were two stouts. 132 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:41,059 Nobody's two stout, love. 133 00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:42,450 I had two. 134 00:08:43,220 --> 00:08:44,960 I didn't have anybody, love. 135 00:08:46,140 --> 00:08:47,520 You're being unreasonable. 136 00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:49,480 Well, everybody here thinks so. 137 00:08:49,740 --> 00:08:52,600 Yes, you're being unreasonable by 14 votes to two, love. 138 00:08:52,940 --> 00:08:56,839 That's all abstained. Listen, why I'm ringing... Yes, of course I'm ringing to 139 00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:59,660 tell you I love you, love. And to say that I bought a bed. 140 00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:04,990 Brass. A big one from this dealer I met. No, not Sheila, love. Dealer. 141 00:09:05,930 --> 00:09:07,310 Why did I mention her, what? 142 00:09:07,970 --> 00:09:09,470 No, I said brass, love. 143 00:09:09,690 --> 00:09:10,740 Brass. 144 00:09:11,410 --> 00:09:13,310 No, the bed's big, not the brass. 145 00:09:14,230 --> 00:09:18,020 Well, you're always saying it's worn out, aren't you, this spring's gone? 146 00:09:18,070 --> 00:09:23,149 No, not mine. I'm not worn out, love. No, our old bed. You know, the new one 147 00:09:23,150 --> 00:09:27,289 in me brother Fred's shed, you see. Yes, but it can't stay there, you see. I'm 148 00:09:27,290 --> 00:09:28,799 telling you, the bed in the shed. 149 00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:32,659 No, I haven't been to bed with anyone in Fred's shed. Love, the bed is in Fred's 150 00:09:32,660 --> 00:09:34,420 shed. It's in Fred's way. 151 00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:36,860 Well, it's in the whole family's way. 152 00:09:37,980 --> 00:09:40,080 No, I haven't got anyone in the family. 153 00:09:41,460 --> 00:09:42,760 If I had, would I tell you? 154 00:09:42,761 --> 00:09:45,459 Well, look, who do you think I got in the family? 155 00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:49,360 Anthea? There is no Anthea. She is just the second letter of vandalised, love. 156 00:09:49,900 --> 00:09:51,820 I wish I'd just said it were bust. 157 00:09:53,380 --> 00:09:54,430 Bust. 158 00:09:54,780 --> 00:09:55,900 B for big. 159 00:09:56,550 --> 00:09:58,570 No, nobody's got a big bus, doll. 160 00:09:58,571 --> 00:10:02,889 Well, of course, some people have got a big... But Anthea hasn't, and she isn't 161 00:10:02,890 --> 00:10:07,209 too stout, and I haven't vandalised her in bed in Fred's shed, and I'll be home 162 00:10:07,210 --> 00:10:08,590 tomorrow. Tomorrow! 163 00:10:09,270 --> 00:10:10,410 Tea for toilet! 164 00:10:11,990 --> 00:10:14,690 Oh, for... Oh, for... Oh, forget it. 165 00:10:15,250 --> 00:10:16,300 Oh, dear. 166 00:10:18,850 --> 00:10:22,130 I think she's beginning to suspect something, Anthea, love. 167 00:10:38,380 --> 00:10:43,220 Did the dentist take your wisdom tooth out? Yeah, yeah, that's right, yeah. 168 00:10:44,020 --> 00:10:45,860 Did he give you anything for it? 169 00:10:46,840 --> 00:10:48,880 No, why is it worth anything? 170 00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:52,800 No, I mean anesthetic. 171 00:10:53,300 --> 00:10:55,580 Oh, no, I refused it, no. 172 00:10:55,820 --> 00:10:57,400 I thought it might hurt. 173 00:10:58,880 --> 00:11:03,279 Very considerate sort of chap, though, you know. Instead of squirting water in 174 00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:05,620 your mouth, he squirts whiskey. 175 00:11:07,180 --> 00:11:08,760 He never done that to me. 176 00:11:09,540 --> 00:11:13,460 No, he only does it as a special treat during Christmas week. 177 00:15:04,491 --> 00:15:08,019 Who do you think paid for the Rolls Royce? 178 00:15:08,020 --> 00:15:10,359 Who paid off the mortgage for the cottage in the country? 179 00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:12,040 Who bought me that mink coat, eh? 180 00:15:12,300 --> 00:15:13,860 Who do you think paid for it all? 181 00:15:13,861 --> 00:15:14,999 Is this the man? 182 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:15,979 Yes, it is. 183 00:15:15,980 --> 00:15:19,290 Well, for heaven's sake, cover him up, dear. He'll catch his death. 184 00:15:45,260 --> 00:15:46,780 The year is 2012. 185 00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:51,760 England, once a land of heroes, has now become a land of downtrodden men. 186 00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:54,340 And who has trodden down on them? Women. 187 00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:57,980 Women now rule the land with an iron rolling pin. 188 00:15:57,981 --> 00:16:01,979 Aided by the commander of the dreaded state police, they have completely 189 00:16:01,980 --> 00:16:06,640 subjugated men, forced them to wear the frocks, even called them feminine names. 190 00:16:06,980 --> 00:16:08,030 No more heroes. 191 00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:13,080 There remain only martyrs, hounded at every turn by the dreaded secret police. 192 00:16:14,380 --> 00:16:18,479 However, our story concerns two miserable specimens who refuse to 193 00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:20,590 their claims to manhood, Janet and Betty. 194 00:16:20,591 --> 00:16:26,239 Wanted by the secret police for crimes against the state, they have been forced 195 00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:27,500 to hide out in the country. 196 00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:31,859 The police, however, track them down after a callous betrayal by a former 197 00:16:31,860 --> 00:16:33,420 chum, a girl called Jack. 198 00:16:33,900 --> 00:16:36,720 However, they make a daring escape inside a barrel. 199 00:16:37,140 --> 00:16:42,179 And as the brewery van drives them to safety, Janet tells Betty of a glimmer 200 00:16:42,180 --> 00:16:43,790 hope. On the horizon. 201 00:16:45,470 --> 00:16:47,610 I've got an address of an organisation. 202 00:16:47,890 --> 00:16:49,390 An underground organisation. 203 00:16:49,450 --> 00:16:54,030 To hide us, we shall need fake papers, a change of clothing and a lot of nerve. 204 00:16:54,031 --> 00:16:57,069 Where are they going to hide us? No, they're not going to hide us. Even 205 00:16:57,070 --> 00:17:00,169 than that. They're going to give us a chance to start a completely new life. 206 00:17:00,170 --> 00:17:01,470 Free. Completely free. 207 00:17:02,050 --> 00:17:05,250 How? They plan to smuggle us over the border. 208 00:17:05,630 --> 00:17:06,680 You mean? 209 00:17:07,069 --> 00:17:08,119 Yes. 210 00:17:08,390 --> 00:17:09,440 Into Wales. 211 00:17:11,790 --> 00:17:15,669 And so, accompanied by Betty's brother -in -law, Diana, our heroes visit a 212 00:17:15,670 --> 00:17:19,469 certain dress shop in a nearby market town which specializes in the latest 213 00:17:19,470 --> 00:17:20,520 dresses for men. 214 00:17:50,741 --> 00:17:52,629 Can I help you, sir? 215 00:17:52,630 --> 00:17:56,350 Yes, my friend and I would both like something in blue. 216 00:17:56,850 --> 00:17:57,900 Blue, sir? 217 00:17:59,710 --> 00:18:00,950 What kind of blue? 218 00:18:02,830 --> 00:18:03,880 True blue. 219 00:18:04,430 --> 00:18:07,440 I think we might have something to suit you in the stockroom. 220 00:18:07,630 --> 00:18:08,680 It's upstairs. 221 00:18:09,390 --> 00:18:10,710 Follow me, would you, sir? 222 00:19:06,191 --> 00:19:07,879 With Armstrong. 223 00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:09,560 But we prefer surnames only, huh? 224 00:19:09,561 --> 00:19:12,379 Chalmersby. Yes, I heard you were coming. 225 00:19:12,380 --> 00:19:13,430 Cartwright. J .P. 226 00:19:13,940 --> 00:19:14,990 Oh, what's the P for? 227 00:19:15,300 --> 00:19:18,430 Petula, I think. Oh, is it? That's funny. I have an uncle, Petula. 228 00:19:18,431 --> 00:19:21,419 As I say, we've got Chalmers and Cartwright, except, of course, we'll 229 00:19:21,420 --> 00:19:22,899 change the names on those papers. 230 00:19:22,900 --> 00:19:24,639 Now, come round here and put up a couple of chairs. 231 00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:25,690 Come on. 232 00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:29,530 Let's see. 233 00:19:30,260 --> 00:19:31,720 A couple of good Welsh names. 234 00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:34,280 How about Yantel open for the dio in? 235 00:19:34,281 --> 00:19:38,509 out of a Welsh copy of the Yellow Pages smuggled over the border last month. 236 00:19:38,510 --> 00:19:40,250 Bag, bring some coffee, would you? 237 00:19:40,251 --> 00:19:41,549 That's Bag. 238 00:19:41,550 --> 00:19:42,890 Good man. Unfortunate name. 239 00:19:42,891 --> 00:19:45,749 Made even worse by his father, christening him Edna. 240 00:19:45,750 --> 00:19:46,800 Edna Bag. 241 00:19:47,570 --> 00:19:49,800 And his own obscure reference to his mother. 242 00:19:51,070 --> 00:19:52,120 Right, photos. 243 00:20:12,381 --> 00:20:14,579 take these off, will you? 244 00:20:14,580 --> 00:20:15,539 Ready, Thursday? 245 00:20:15,540 --> 00:20:16,590 Ready. 246 00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:19,320 Good man, Bag. 247 00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:21,600 Local chemist, you know. 248 00:20:21,601 --> 00:20:23,559 We've got a man in the developing department. 249 00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:24,610 Good chap. 250 00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:25,850 Bit gay. 251 00:20:25,900 --> 00:20:27,500 And his original puffin boots. 252 00:20:27,501 --> 00:20:32,319 He's one of us, but he's also one of them, if you know what I mean. 253 00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:33,939 Now, who's going to do the talking? 254 00:20:33,940 --> 00:20:35,500 What, apart from you, you mean? 255 00:20:35,501 --> 00:20:36,639 At the border. 256 00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:37,900 Best if any one of you talk. 257 00:20:38,340 --> 00:20:41,470 Oh, you better do that, Betty, old chap. You do the Welsh accent. 258 00:20:41,740 --> 00:20:44,630 He played the lead in Under Milk Wood at the romantic club. 259 00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:48,310 Mine always comes out sort of, you know, Pakistani. 260 00:20:49,560 --> 00:20:50,610 Fine. 261 00:20:50,611 --> 00:20:53,959 Now, as a cover story, you're a couple of Welshmen going across the border to 262 00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:55,010 visit relatives. 263 00:20:55,360 --> 00:20:56,410 Maybe a wedding. 264 00:20:56,411 --> 00:21:00,279 Wear a corsage of carnations. Oh, is that the usual thing for weddings in 265 00:21:00,280 --> 00:21:02,499 carnations? Oh, yes, yes, men always wear them. 266 00:21:02,500 --> 00:21:05,359 Women tend to go for a leak at weddings. Well, it's exciting. 267 00:21:05,360 --> 00:21:07,160 Yes, well, carnations. 268 00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:10,190 Melanie, two corsages of carnations for Thursday. 269 00:21:10,231 --> 00:21:12,259 mean, Melanie? 270 00:21:12,260 --> 00:21:15,059 One pink, one white. White all right for you, Chalmers? Yes, fine. 271 00:21:15,060 --> 00:21:16,620 White goes with anything, fine. 272 00:21:16,621 --> 00:21:17,639 All right? 273 00:21:17,640 --> 00:21:21,719 Fine. Right. Now, keep it bright and breezy, and above all, keep going when 274 00:21:21,720 --> 00:21:22,659 you're across the border. 275 00:21:22,660 --> 00:21:26,450 You'll be met the other side by two of our agents, Bob Newton and Ivor Jevons. 276 00:21:26,740 --> 00:21:28,560 Women? No, no, no, no. Men. 277 00:21:28,780 --> 00:21:31,000 Men. No female domination over there. 278 00:21:31,260 --> 00:21:32,580 Welsh men have men's names. 279 00:21:32,581 --> 00:21:36,439 That's why you're travelling as Deanto and I, and not making them a fun way. 280 00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:37,490 Any questions? 281 00:21:37,491 --> 00:21:41,639 Um, yes, I've got... question. Would you mind very much if I brought Herbert 282 00:21:41,640 --> 00:21:42,900 with me? He's my pet mouse. 283 00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:44,090 I've got him here. 284 00:21:46,780 --> 00:21:49,000 I don't see why not. 285 00:21:49,300 --> 00:21:50,740 No quarantine restrictions. 286 00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:54,670 But I shouldn't show him unless you have to. He might decide to get awkward. 287 00:21:55,040 --> 00:21:57,020 He doesn't squeak or anything, does he? 288 00:21:57,120 --> 00:21:58,320 Oh, of course he doesn't. 289 00:21:58,440 --> 00:21:59,580 He's as quiet as a mouse. 290 00:22:25,520 --> 00:22:27,080 and the barrier across the road. 291 00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:32,079 Simply get out of the car, turn around, and wave goodbye to us as if we'd given 292 00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:34,490 you a lift, and then carry on towards the guards. 293 00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:37,910 Have your papers ready, and they don't have so long to stare at you. 294 00:22:59,439 --> 00:23:00,819 Papers. Where are you going? 295 00:23:00,820 --> 00:23:05,019 Oh, we're going to a wedding, isn't it? My next -door neighbour's niece, 296 00:23:05,020 --> 00:23:07,260 Blodwyn. Beautiful girl she is, yes. 297 00:23:07,261 --> 00:23:10,179 Outstanding, I might say, in every direction. 298 00:23:10,180 --> 00:23:12,680 Lovely. Has to be squeezed to be believed, it does. 299 00:23:12,900 --> 00:23:14,380 And only 17, too. 300 00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:16,010 Ah, a minor. 301 00:23:16,180 --> 00:23:18,470 No, she's marrying a minor, isn't I, Sprook? 302 00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:19,850 What about you? 303 00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:21,210 Oh, he's with me. 304 00:23:21,220 --> 00:23:24,740 I spoke to him. I know, but he's a bit shy, is he? Shut up. 305 00:23:26,740 --> 00:23:27,940 You? Answer me. 306 00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:30,880 Oh, yes, I'm definitely with my friend here. 307 00:23:31,100 --> 00:23:32,360 Look, you need a witness. 308 00:23:32,900 --> 00:23:39,499 I'm on my way here on our way to Yakida with my oppo here at the 309 00:23:39,500 --> 00:23:40,820 wedding, really. 310 00:23:42,200 --> 00:23:43,260 You're not Welsh. 311 00:23:43,720 --> 00:23:45,240 No, no, he's not. He's not. 312 00:23:45,540 --> 00:23:46,590 He's Indian. 313 00:23:47,120 --> 00:23:52,039 Indian? Yes, his grandpa came over here, you see, about, oh, in the 70s, I think 314 00:23:52,040 --> 00:23:56,579 it was, and opened up a takeaway in Merioneth since when the family have 315 00:23:56,580 --> 00:23:57,630 looked back. 316 00:23:57,900 --> 00:23:59,280 He doesn't look Indian. 317 00:23:59,940 --> 00:24:02,440 No, no, well, they've never looked black either. 318 00:24:02,441 --> 00:24:06,059 Never looked black or black. Well, there's all colours of Indians. There's 319 00:24:06,060 --> 00:24:07,700 Indians, there's white Indians. 320 00:24:07,701 --> 00:24:11,559 A lot of interbreeding goes on out there, see. Well, it's the weather, you 321 00:24:11,560 --> 00:24:14,320 Oh, he says, nothing else to do in the rainy season. 322 00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:17,360 Right, all right. Don't keep on. 323 00:24:18,180 --> 00:24:19,880 Go on. You're cleared. 324 00:24:27,740 --> 00:24:29,120 Just a minute. 325 00:24:34,580 --> 00:24:36,840 Well, well, well. 326 00:24:37,200 --> 00:24:40,520 If it isn't the two worms that turned. 327 00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:43,580 Come inside, please. 328 00:24:44,639 --> 00:24:46,160 Oh, God, that's the finish. 329 00:24:52,020 --> 00:24:54,280 What are you doing here? How did you know? 330 00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:59,360 A little bird told me. A little bird you left tied up in her bathroom. 331 00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:02,410 She said you'd head for the border, and she was right. 332 00:25:02,900 --> 00:25:03,950 Guards! 333 00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:11,000 This calls for a little celebration. 334 00:25:11,001 --> 00:25:14,739 Yes, Commander. Go into the village and get me some champagne. 335 00:25:14,740 --> 00:25:17,000 Champagne? A magnum. A couple of magnums. 336 00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:21,280 I wish to celebrate with my two old friends here. 337 00:25:21,500 --> 00:25:22,900 We have no transport. 338 00:25:23,260 --> 00:25:26,390 Well, take my car and hurry and make sure the champagne is cold. 339 00:25:26,700 --> 00:25:28,990 Will you be all right here alone, Commander? 340 00:25:29,080 --> 00:25:32,840 Of course. These are my friends. They won't harm me. 341 00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:35,090 Hurry. 342 00:25:35,480 --> 00:25:36,760 Here, the keys. 343 00:25:52,401 --> 00:25:54,429 Why'd you do that? 344 00:25:54,430 --> 00:25:55,480 Why? 345 00:25:56,010 --> 00:26:01,069 Because, my dear Betty, the regulations state that I'm not allowed to shoot you 346 00:26:01,070 --> 00:26:03,330 in cold blood. That wouldn't be justice. 347 00:26:03,770 --> 00:26:05,450 Since when has that bothered you? 348 00:26:05,690 --> 00:26:09,130 But if you try to escape, I can shoot you in the back. 349 00:26:09,510 --> 00:26:11,190 And that's what you're going to do. 350 00:26:12,030 --> 00:26:14,910 That's why I sent away the witnesses, my little friend. 351 00:26:15,550 --> 00:26:16,750 You can't do that. 352 00:26:17,310 --> 00:26:18,450 Why can't I? 353 00:26:19,110 --> 00:26:20,850 I might refuse to turn around. 354 00:26:21,390 --> 00:26:23,990 Then I shall shoot you in the front and then the back. 355 00:26:25,830 --> 00:26:29,449 You have two minutes to live, both of you. Is there anything either of you 356 00:26:29,450 --> 00:26:30,109 to say? 357 00:26:30,110 --> 00:26:32,250 Yes. There's something I'd like to say. 358 00:26:32,251 --> 00:26:36,389 Something which I know men all over England would like to say to you. 359 00:26:36,390 --> 00:26:38,790 Whoever they are, wherever they may be. 360 00:26:39,390 --> 00:26:44,089 The rich man in his mansion, the poor man in his lowly cottage. I know I speak 361 00:26:44,090 --> 00:26:45,410 for all of them when I say... 362 00:26:50,160 --> 00:26:51,210 amusing. 363 00:26:51,420 --> 00:26:54,800 You know where you're going to get the first bullet as you walk away. 364 00:26:56,780 --> 00:27:02,139 Well, and have you got an insult for me? Something that will make sure you get 365 00:27:02,140 --> 00:27:03,460 shot in the raspberry too? 366 00:27:04,220 --> 00:27:07,100 No. Mine's in the nature of a last request. 367 00:27:08,220 --> 00:27:09,340 How romantic. 368 00:27:10,420 --> 00:27:11,470 What is it? 369 00:27:12,020 --> 00:27:15,560 I want to smoke a pipe full of tobacco before I die. 370 00:27:16,880 --> 00:27:19,600 You know that pipe smoking by men is a crime. 371 00:27:20,020 --> 00:27:21,880 Well, you can always send me to prison. 372 00:27:22,540 --> 00:27:24,590 After you've shot me in the back, that is. 373 00:27:26,120 --> 00:27:27,170 You're right. 374 00:27:27,260 --> 00:27:30,020 It doesn't really apply in your case, does it? 375 00:27:30,380 --> 00:27:32,860 Certainly. Go ahead. Smoke your pipe. 376 00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:40,379 Tobacco. The age -old masculine weakness that brought the arrogant male 377 00:27:40,380 --> 00:27:41,920 eventually to his knees. 378 00:27:42,590 --> 00:27:46,610 And allowed women to assume their rightful place in society as rulers. 379 00:27:47,270 --> 00:27:48,730 Rulers through strength. 380 00:27:49,170 --> 00:27:54,069 Strength. The might of womanhood will prevail for the very reason that we are 381 00:27:54,070 --> 00:27:55,570 invested with many strengths. 382 00:27:56,910 --> 00:27:58,110 Strengths of character. 383 00:27:58,650 --> 00:27:59,700 Strengths of will. 384 00:28:00,470 --> 00:28:01,730 Strengths of purpose. 385 00:28:02,390 --> 00:28:05,830 Greater strengths than mere men could ever achieve. 386 00:28:06,170 --> 00:28:07,950 We are invincible. 387 00:28:08,470 --> 00:28:09,520 We have... 388 00:28:11,760 --> 00:28:12,980 You have one, this one. 389 00:28:50,570 --> 00:28:53,290 There used to be a play once called Of Mice and Men. 390 00:28:53,970 --> 00:29:00,049 Very famous. Who knows, one day, Herbert, you may be even more famous as 391 00:29:00,050 --> 00:29:01,130 mouse who saved a man. 392 00:29:02,030 --> 00:29:03,080 Two men. 393 00:29:04,570 --> 00:29:05,950 That's the whole of mankind. 394 00:29:12,870 --> 00:29:14,170 Guard her well, Herbert. 395 00:29:14,690 --> 00:29:18,850 And if she moves a muscle, straight up her trouser leg. 396 00:29:32,680 --> 00:29:35,200 And so ends the tale of the worm that turned. 397 00:29:35,620 --> 00:29:36,670 Or does it? 398 00:29:36,780 --> 00:29:39,380 Was it just a story? Or will it happen? 399 00:29:39,800 --> 00:29:41,160 That is in the future. 400 00:29:41,460 --> 00:29:45,140 For the present, our heroes are safe in a new land. 401 00:29:48,960 --> 00:29:54,220 Safe in a land where men are men and women are glad of it. 402 00:29:54,420 --> 00:29:59,999 A land where women constantly keep a welcome in the hillside and something 403 00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:01,260 in the oven. 404 00:30:54,030 --> 00:30:55,290 See the telly last night? 405 00:30:56,250 --> 00:30:57,300 Yeah. 406 00:30:58,270 --> 00:31:01,430 One of those boring so -called modern plays. 407 00:31:01,730 --> 00:31:04,270 Yeah. No story, no plot, no ending. 408 00:31:05,470 --> 00:31:09,489 Just a load of old morons, you know, sitting about there jabbering about 409 00:31:09,490 --> 00:31:10,540 nothing. Yeah. 410 00:31:10,650 --> 00:31:12,350 Real -life drama, they call it. 411 00:31:12,750 --> 00:31:16,869 Real -life drama, my foot. You don't get people in real life just sitting about 412 00:31:16,870 --> 00:31:20,420 jabbering about nothing, do you? Of course you don't. Real -life drama. 413 00:31:21,130 --> 00:31:23,600 Everything they say in those plays, they repeat. 414 00:31:24,310 --> 00:31:26,780 Everything they say in those plays, they repeat. 415 00:31:28,390 --> 00:31:29,440 Everything. 416 00:31:29,670 --> 00:31:30,830 Real life drama. 417 00:31:31,630 --> 00:31:32,680 Blaming ridiculous. 418 00:31:34,990 --> 00:31:39,670 Do they think that in real life, people repeat everything they say? I ask you. 419 00:31:41,270 --> 00:31:43,650 Do they think in real life, people repeat... 420 00:31:44,240 --> 00:31:49,499 Everything they say, I mean, I ask you. Over and over again. Yeah, over and over 421 00:31:49,500 --> 00:31:50,800 again. Over and over again. 422 00:31:51,640 --> 00:31:55,559 I mean, you don't get people in real life repeating things like that over and 423 00:31:55,560 --> 00:31:57,540 over again. Not over and over again. 424 00:31:58,740 --> 00:32:00,300 Not in real life, do you? 425 00:32:00,680 --> 00:32:04,319 Do you know, in some of those plays, I've seen them repeat the same thing 426 00:32:04,320 --> 00:32:07,820 times. Three times they repeat the same thing. 427 00:32:08,800 --> 00:32:10,240 They repeat the same thing. 428 00:32:12,591 --> 00:32:17,559 Last night, they repeat the same thing four times. 429 00:32:17,560 --> 00:32:19,540 Four times they repeat the same thing. 430 00:32:20,020 --> 00:32:21,860 Four times. Yeah, four times. 431 00:32:23,080 --> 00:32:24,130 Flaming ridiculous. 432 00:32:25,900 --> 00:32:28,850 Don't try to tell me that sort of thing happens in real life. 433 00:32:29,360 --> 00:32:30,740 Flaming boring repetition. 434 00:32:30,960 --> 00:32:33,250 Flaming boring repetition, that's all it is. 435 00:32:33,580 --> 00:32:34,630 Flaming boring. 436 00:32:34,780 --> 00:32:36,160 Yeah, flaming boring. 437 00:32:59,760 --> 00:33:03,280 Tonight I'd like to tell you a very, very funny joke. 438 00:33:03,880 --> 00:33:08,679 No, no, this is the sort of joke which will still be loved and enjoyed even 439 00:33:08,680 --> 00:33:09,880 it's a hundred years old. 440 00:33:10,460 --> 00:33:11,620 A week next Tuesday. 441 00:33:13,780 --> 00:33:15,660 Why do I bother? 442 00:33:15,880 --> 00:33:18,240 Why do I carry on every week? 443 00:33:18,241 --> 00:33:22,239 When you consider three times the money I could go and work for British Rail. 444 00:33:22,240 --> 00:33:26,060 Who says crime doesn't pay? Anyway, if I had gone... 445 00:33:26,330 --> 00:33:29,790 Now, if I'd gone... I didn't say that very loud. Did you notice that? 446 00:33:30,870 --> 00:33:37,669 If I'd gone into films by now, I could have matured into a huge international 447 00:33:37,670 --> 00:33:38,720 sex symbol. 448 00:33:41,790 --> 00:33:42,840 You can laugh. 449 00:33:44,150 --> 00:33:45,200 You can laugh. 450 00:33:45,850 --> 00:33:48,500 Did they explain that when you came in? You can laugh. 451 00:33:49,990 --> 00:33:51,040 But... 452 00:33:54,860 --> 00:33:56,420 I'm laughing. Won't you join us? 453 00:33:56,600 --> 00:34:01,559 For a strange quirk, but for a strange quirk of fate, I could have been the new 454 00:34:01,560 --> 00:34:02,720 Charles Bronson. 455 00:34:04,200 --> 00:34:07,330 If the old one had been a pint -sized comedian wearing glasses. 456 00:34:07,800 --> 00:34:11,879 Actually, I'm being unfair to myself again there. All these stories I put 457 00:34:11,880 --> 00:34:16,198 about being small. I mean, when I say that for three months I served as a shop 458 00:34:16,199 --> 00:34:17,459 steward on a silicon chip. 459 00:34:19,580 --> 00:34:22,860 Well, that is, no, it's just part of my professional repertoire. 460 00:34:22,861 --> 00:34:26,529 The truth is I've always been a bit sensitive about my physique. 461 00:34:26,530 --> 00:34:30,689 Since the time I went into hospital, took all my clothes off, the doctor 462 00:34:30,690 --> 00:34:32,250 over and gave me the kiss of life. 463 00:34:32,550 --> 00:34:36,160 I suppose, really, I should never have got undressed in the first place. 464 00:34:36,929 --> 00:34:39,879 Strictly speaking, my wife wasn't even allowed visitors. 465 00:34:43,870 --> 00:34:50,169 As it happened, I was admitted myself shortly after. I'd been feeling very 466 00:34:50,170 --> 00:34:51,009 and tired. 467 00:34:51,010 --> 00:34:54,738 Nothing. you know, nothing the doctors did seemed to help. At one point they 468 00:34:54,739 --> 00:34:59,160 me on a course of iron tablets, and I went down with metal fatigue. 469 00:34:59,161 --> 00:35:03,019 You see, people never take me seriously. Like the dressing rooms they have given 470 00:35:03,020 --> 00:35:04,070 me here at the BBC. 471 00:35:04,280 --> 00:35:09,419 You won't believe this, but until a month ago, I was still classified as a 472 00:35:09,420 --> 00:35:10,470 puppet. 473 00:35:12,840 --> 00:35:17,359 Until the start of each show, I was kept folded up in a biscuit tin with a basil 474 00:35:17,360 --> 00:35:18,410 brush. 475 00:35:21,410 --> 00:35:25,290 Worst of all, there must be this set, you know, a box with a chair in it. 476 00:35:25,291 --> 00:35:28,509 this week, my pride got the better of me, and I went to complain to the 477 00:35:28,510 --> 00:35:31,429 controller of BBC One. He said, don't worry about a thing, he said. 478 00:35:31,430 --> 00:35:35,589 As from this week, we're giving the whole set a facelift. More sparkle, more 479 00:35:35,590 --> 00:35:40,250 glitter, more razzmatazz, he said. He said, you won't even recognise it. 480 00:35:52,230 --> 00:35:59,189 little mind shall i if only it were that simple do 481 00:35:59,190 --> 00:36:03,969 you do you realize that one stab with this i could cause a national walkout by 482 00:36:03,970 --> 00:36:08,909 the amalgamated union of balloon poppers which could seriously disrupt diana 483 00:36:08,910 --> 00:36:14,029 door's acupuncture course so i won't bother so why should i descend to their 484 00:36:14,030 --> 00:36:17,969 level mine's like children all of them oh it reminds me little wave to my own 485 00:36:17,970 --> 00:36:19,020 children 486 00:36:19,021 --> 00:36:22,719 Only we had a row this morning about watching Daddy on television, you know. 487 00:36:22,720 --> 00:36:23,860 They wanted to go to bed. 488 00:36:25,680 --> 00:36:32,559 No, I promise to do that because they've not had an easy time 489 00:36:32,560 --> 00:36:33,539 at home recently. 490 00:36:33,540 --> 00:36:36,920 The riots in the hamster's cage are just entering the third week. 491 00:36:37,960 --> 00:36:42,419 And on Monday afternoon, our little boy came in very distraught. His piggy bank 492 00:36:42,420 --> 00:36:43,660 contracted swine fever. 493 00:36:45,190 --> 00:36:46,510 Had to be put down, very sad. 494 00:36:46,630 --> 00:36:51,529 Added to which, last weekend, our young puppy dog was sniffing around the front 495 00:36:51,530 --> 00:36:55,440 room, accidentally swallowed the remote control gadget for the television. 496 00:36:56,090 --> 00:36:57,230 All a bit unfortunate. 497 00:36:57,550 --> 00:37:00,530 You know, now we have to twiddle his tummy to get BBC One. 498 00:37:01,690 --> 00:37:04,810 If you want ITV, we've got to twiddle the top of his left leg. 499 00:37:06,130 --> 00:37:07,890 Thank God we never watch BBC Two. 500 00:37:10,910 --> 00:37:13,350 Anyway, on to the joke. 501 00:37:13,820 --> 00:37:16,879 Which concerns this rather 502 00:37:16,880 --> 00:37:23,759 posh, well -to -do lady from Belgravia 503 00:37:23,760 --> 00:37:29,359 who one day takes her young son for a day out to the local cattle shows. He 504 00:37:29,360 --> 00:37:32,820 the son is all agog because he's never seen a cow close up before. 505 00:37:32,821 --> 00:37:36,459 Well, he's seen bits of them, you know, among the Yorkshire pudding, but he's 506 00:37:36,460 --> 00:37:37,510 never... 507 00:37:37,870 --> 00:37:41,809 Never seen what they look like all put together. And as they're standing there 508 00:37:41,810 --> 00:37:45,709 looking at one particular cow, an old farmer comes up and starts feeling the 509 00:37:45,710 --> 00:37:49,769 animal all along its flank, pressing and kneading the muscles, pinching the skin 510 00:37:49,770 --> 00:37:50,820 around the tummy. 511 00:37:51,370 --> 00:37:54,020 I think he was trying to get BBC Two as well, actually. 512 00:37:54,750 --> 00:37:58,789 Generally feeling the cow's body, you see. And the boy turns to his mummy, he 513 00:37:58,790 --> 00:38:01,020 said, Mummy, because he knew her quite well. 514 00:38:01,021 --> 00:38:05,229 He said, Mummy, he said, what is that man doing that for? Well, his mother 515 00:38:05,230 --> 00:38:06,490 well, he has got to do that. 516 00:38:06,491 --> 00:38:09,849 You know, that tells him how much meat there is on the cow, and if he thinks 517 00:38:09,850 --> 00:38:11,290 there's enough, he'll buy it. 518 00:38:11,690 --> 00:38:14,040 It's quite educational, this joke, isn't it? 519 00:38:14,170 --> 00:38:15,610 Yes, it is quite educational. 520 00:38:17,090 --> 00:38:21,170 That's about all it is. Anyway, I... No, it isn't. It gets better in a minute. 521 00:38:21,350 --> 00:38:26,949 So, a couple of days later, the boy is sitting at the breakfast table in the 522 00:38:26,950 --> 00:38:29,110 family's plush mansion house. 523 00:38:29,710 --> 00:38:34,309 tucking into his quadraphonic Rice Krispies and wearing a bit of a frown. 524 00:38:34,310 --> 00:38:37,609 mother asked him what's on his mind. He said, well, you know me, you told me the 525 00:38:37,610 --> 00:38:41,470 other day, Mummy, about that farmer and the cow at the cattle market. 526 00:38:41,750 --> 00:38:42,800 Yes, she said yes. 527 00:38:42,801 --> 00:38:46,489 He said, well, I was just walking past the kitchen a few minutes ago and I 528 00:38:46,490 --> 00:38:47,810 Daddy wants to buy the cook. 529 00:39:14,760 --> 00:39:15,810 your name is? 530 00:39:16,040 --> 00:39:22,539 Is that 531 00:39:22,540 --> 00:39:23,900 one L or two? 532 00:39:26,880 --> 00:39:33,039 Now then, I see here that your previous job was a waiter in a top Mayfair 533 00:39:33,040 --> 00:39:34,090 restaurant. 534 00:39:35,500 --> 00:39:42,240 And you were dismissed after only one week's service. Why exactly? 535 00:39:53,190 --> 00:39:54,240 Oh, 536 00:39:55,290 --> 00:39:57,330 well, that's perfectly understandable. 537 00:40:03,050 --> 00:40:07,750 Now, if you've got the position here, you could start next week, couldn't you? 538 00:40:15,390 --> 00:40:19,749 Excellent. Well, I think that just about settles it. I mean, you seem to us to 539 00:40:19,750 --> 00:40:22,090 be the ideal man for the job. 540 00:40:22,770 --> 00:40:26,380 Congratulations on becoming the new station announcer at Paddington. 541 00:40:42,589 --> 00:40:43,639 Oh, my God. 542 00:41:33,800 --> 00:41:37,500 We've got trotting ponies by the score. 543 00:41:38,280 --> 00:41:41,620 We've got cavalry left over from the First World War. 544 00:41:42,480 --> 00:41:48,820 We've got elephants and herds next door. And the rhubarb's up to here. 545 00:42:21,230 --> 00:42:25,050 Old Billy is a bumbling stumbler. When he's tiddly, he's a hopeless bumbler. 546 00:42:25,051 --> 00:42:28,389 He's such a bop -shot. He'd better watch out. He'll get a wallop from a half 547 00:42:28,390 --> 00:42:32,289 -pint tumbler. Last night's pyramid was slightly hairy. Lost his balance on a 548 00:42:32,290 --> 00:42:33,329 drum of dairy. 549 00:42:33,330 --> 00:42:36,700 Pearl with a shout. Camel got a clout. Now it's Humphrey's inside out. 550 00:42:37,210 --> 00:42:40,630 We have got a lady juggler with amazing wits. 551 00:42:41,110 --> 00:42:44,310 She wears castle goods and you ain't a twiddly. 552 00:42:45,350 --> 00:42:48,670 And they fly in all directions when she does the split. 553 00:43:05,230 --> 00:43:08,730 Gert -less contortionist got knocked in and retired. 554 00:43:08,990 --> 00:43:11,870 And Roderick Small, the cannonball, got fired. 555 00:43:13,290 --> 00:43:19,870 Rudy Luffit on the high trapeze. At it for years and years. 556 00:43:21,590 --> 00:43:24,830 Ruined his act and his party face. 557 00:43:25,290 --> 00:43:27,150 Swinging from the candle. 558 00:43:27,570 --> 00:43:33,030 The lion tamers tricks ain't what they used to be. 559 00:43:33,310 --> 00:43:34,950 He's nearly... 86. 560 00:43:35,270 --> 00:43:36,950 The lion's 93. 561 00:43:37,290 --> 00:43:42,849 The lion has lost its bite. They're both the best of chums. When Fred sticks in 562 00:43:42,850 --> 00:43:45,970 his head, he sucks him with his guns out. 563 00:43:46,210 --> 00:43:49,950 He either can't be with us tonight. 564 00:43:49,951 --> 00:43:52,509 He either can't be with us tonight. He either can't be with us tonight. He 565 00:43:52,510 --> 00:43:57,789 either can't be with us tonight. He either can't be with us 566 00:43:57,790 --> 00:44:00,496 tonight. 567 00:44:15,240 --> 00:44:17,980 We lost our tattooed lady, Lindy Lou. 568 00:44:19,840 --> 00:44:22,480 Tattooed from head to toe, it's in his view. 569 00:44:23,640 --> 00:44:29,199 On her front, she's got New Delhi. Round the back, the Tower of Pisa. But to see 570 00:44:29,200 --> 00:44:32,600 her after triumph, you'd require a special visa. 571 00:44:32,960 --> 00:44:35,840 On her chest, the Pyramids were seen. 572 00:44:37,300 --> 00:44:40,320 She's got a Khyber Pass in pastel green. 573 00:44:41,460 --> 00:44:47,839 And beneath the lost oasis, She'd some interesting places where no man but 574 00:44:47,840 --> 00:44:49,240 Bellamy has been. 575 00:44:56,340 --> 00:45:00,660 Oh, you can't beat the circus, the ladies on the green. 576 00:45:01,040 --> 00:45:06,699 The men with mighty muscles are a sight to see. When the girls have had a 577 00:45:06,700 --> 00:45:11,839 pennant on the triestring machine, they like a little bounce upon the 578 00:45:11,840 --> 00:45:12,890 trampoline. 579 00:45:17,800 --> 00:45:21,620 He went out and caught him with the lady acrobat. 580 00:45:21,880 --> 00:45:25,820 He took her down to Chinese for a bit of this and that. 581 00:45:26,060 --> 00:45:31,479 Later on, he popped the question, but she wasn't very keen. Till she had a 582 00:45:31,480 --> 00:45:38,400 little bounce upon his trout. Oh, he can't take the surface. When he comes 583 00:45:38,620 --> 00:45:42,600 he's ruining his day. Oh, that's busy. 584 00:45:43,080 --> 00:45:46,880 If you think he's looking jaded, then he's technically what he's been. 585 00:45:47,720 --> 00:45:51,040 Do you want to do a baloney trampoline? 586 00:46:22,340 --> 00:46:27,040 I broke an actor. In the circus, in the circus. Slip up a fraction. 587 00:46:27,320 --> 00:46:30,020 In the circus, in the circus. You'll be in traction. 588 00:46:30,420 --> 00:46:31,470 In the circus. 589 00:46:31,960 --> 00:46:34,360 All's are torrential. In the circus. 590 00:46:35,300 --> 00:46:37,420 All's are torrential. In the circus. 591 00:46:37,740 --> 00:46:39,560 In the circus. In the circus. 592 00:46:39,920 --> 00:46:40,970 In the circus. 593 00:46:41,100 --> 00:46:43,660 In the circus. 594 00:46:55,180 --> 00:46:56,760 Silly feet, feet, feet. 595 00:47:30,331 --> 00:47:37,499 That seems to be about all we have time for this series. I'd like to thank our 596 00:47:37,500 --> 00:47:39,970 special guests, Barbara Dixon and Elkie Brooks. 597 00:47:40,240 --> 00:47:41,640 And, of course, Diana Dawes. 598 00:47:42,140 --> 00:47:45,300 But before we go, a few late items of news. 599 00:47:45,760 --> 00:47:51,739 The New Zealand rugby touring team's match against an all -gay 15 ended 600 00:47:51,740 --> 00:47:56,520 in a nil -nil draw, even though the gays had eight tries under conversion. 601 00:47:58,361 --> 00:48:06,289 The meteorological office's long -range forecast today predicted a mild winter 602 00:48:06,290 --> 00:48:07,950 next year, instead of summer. 603 00:48:09,970 --> 00:48:15,889 On Dartmoor last night, the Devon police raided a black magic ceremony and took 604 00:48:15,890 --> 00:48:17,450 away all the hazelnut clusters. 605 00:48:21,710 --> 00:48:25,909 And Britain's strangest ever wedding took place in London today, when a man 606 00:48:25,910 --> 00:48:28,309 used to be a woman married a woman who used to be a man. 607 00:48:28,310 --> 00:48:30,420 The bride's mother used to be a male nurse. 608 00:48:30,421 --> 00:48:33,639 The best man used to be a bridesmaid, and the wedding cake started life as a 609 00:48:33,640 --> 00:48:34,690 French tart. 610 00:48:37,300 --> 00:48:42,139 And we've just heard that a juggernaut of onions has shed its load all over the 611 00:48:42,140 --> 00:48:45,580 M1. Motorists are advised to find a hard shoulder to cry on. 612 00:48:48,040 --> 00:48:52,619 Finally, explorers on a remote Pacific island have discovered a Japanese 613 00:48:52,620 --> 00:48:56,560 who didn't know the war was over, an Irishman who didn't know it had even 614 00:48:56,820 --> 00:48:59,770 and a drunken Scotsman who wants to start it all over again. 615 00:49:00,431 --> 00:49:03,869 And it's good night from here. Good night. 616 00:49:03,870 --> 00:49:08,420 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 51072

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