Original subtitles

Good evening. It's wonderful to be back with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Indeed

it is. And in a packed program tonight, we shall be meeting the horsewoman who's

covered her horse with lettuce and tomato because she wanted to ride side

We'll be talking to a man who crossed a padded bra with plaster of Paris and got

a completely false impression.

And we had hoped to have been bringing you Arthur the Human Chameleon, but this

afternoon he crawled across a tartan rug and died of exhaustion.

But first, the news.

West Mersey, a police, announced tonight that they wish to interview a man

wearing high heels and frilly knickers.

But the chief constable says they must wear their normal uniform.

The Income Tax Records Office caught fire today.

Reports state that almost two firemen fought the blaze for over a minute.

And now a sketch featuring Mr. Ronnie Barker, whose family theatrical

started when his grandfather went to America and got stage struck.

He was run over by Wells Fargo.

Sixteen across.

It's green and often found on football pitches.

Five letters.

G -R -A something something.

Green, often found on football pitches.

G -R -A something something.

Grandstand?

That's too long, grandstand. No. G -R -A something something.

Groth. What?

Groth. A child of five can say it's groth.

Excuse me, I mean, who's doing this crossword? Me or you?

Well, would you try not to talk so loud, please? We're all trying to do proper

crosswords here.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, sorry.

Proper crosswords. What do you mean by that, proper crosswords? I'm trying to

the Mephistopheles in the Financial Times, a crossword which you wouldn't

where to start.

As it happens, I could do any crossword put in front of me, including Mrs. Dr.

Dauntless.

Just happens. that I prefer the sun, junior coffee time, easy clues, that's

It's just a matter of taste.

The sun.

People only buy that for one thing.

Rather, a couple of things.

Two across.

There you are. See what I mean?

They peck holes in your milk bottle tops.

Something something T -S.

That's a typical sun clue, that is.

Peck holes in your milk bottle top, sunny sunny T -S.

Bats.

Bats.

Bats.

Since when did you last see a bat peck a hole in your milk bottle top?

Well, it might do if it was hungry.

You're the one that's bats.

answer to that clue, I suggest you look at page three.

Now, please try to resist as I am attempting to concentrate.

It's red, it smells, and it's often picked in the garden. Four letters,

something, O -S -E.

It's rose.

Rose. It's obvious.

It's red, it smells, and it's often picked in the garden. Rose.

Well, it could be nose.

You know, I've never seen anything like that, Crosford.

I've really never seen anything like it. I mean, you've got it all absolutely

wrong. I mean, look. Look what you've got here. Look.

Place where fish are kept.

You've got coop.

you last hear of fish being kept in a coop?

Co -op, yes. Fish are kept for co -op.

What's this one here? You've got a strange animal found in a hive. You've

queer bee.

Well, but it's queen.

Well, it's the same thing. Oh, no, it's not.

Certainly not down my road, it's not.

Queen, it has to be queen because of the N on the end.

fits in with the clue that goes down, you see. Look, he always plays with big

ears.

Roddy?

Roddy? It's Noddy, you fool.

Roddy in Toyland. No, it's not Roddy in Toyland, it's Noddy. Roddy in Toyland,

big ears, a piecey plop.

know anything, PC Plod was naughty.

His name is Roddy. Of course he's naughty. His name is Noddy. He was

Noddy because he had a bell on his hat, and every time he nodded, it rang. He

used to go, hello, I'm little Noddy.

I'm little Noddy, not Noddy.

All right, all right, I'm sorry. I do apologize. It's this man who's driving

mad.

I've only got one clue left. Oh, good. Terrific. Now, look, ladies and

gentlemen, if we just help him with this last clue, do you think he'll shut up?

We'll ask him. If we help you with this clue, will you shut up? I promise. Oh,

good. He's promised. Go on, then. What's your last clue? Go on.

Six across, four letters, often found in the bottom of a birdcage.

Something, something, I .T.

Great.

Excellent.

Great, of course.

Has anybody got a rubber?

Hello, love.

Hello. No, it's me.

It's me, love. Aye, aye, it's me.

Look, I'm sorry I didn't ring you last night.

No, I wasn't in pub.

I say I wasn't in pub.

Look, I can't shout. I'm in pub.

Look, I haven't come in for a drink. I've come to phone you.

Because phone box by the duck pond has been vandalised.

Vandalised.

Vandalised. V for virgin.

Virgin. No, I wasn't with a virgin.

I said V for virgin is the first letter of vandalised.

Vandalised. V for victory.

A for anthea.

Anthea? No, I wasn't with a girl called Anthea.

No, she's not a virgin, love, no.

I haven't scored a victory over anyone, love. There's no such person. Now, don't

start getting jealous now.

Eh? You what?

Oh, you heard that, did you?

Yeah, I didn't say I wasn't having a drink, love. I said I hadn't come in for

drink. No, but the phone's in the pub, you see, so you've got to have a drink

use the phone.

Who saw me in the bull last night?

Oh, well, I did pop into the bull to use the toilet.

Can't shout, I'm in pub, love.

Toilet. The public one's shut, it's been vandalised.

Vandal... I had a drink because you can't just go into a pub to use toilet.

Aye, I just popped into the crown as well, but only to use toilet.

I needed toilet in the crown.

I had a drink in bull when I used...

I had to have a drink in the Crown to use it.

All I had were two stouts.

Nobody's two stout, love.

I had two.

I didn't have anybody, love.

You're being unreasonable.

Well, everybody here thinks so.

Yes, you're being unreasonable by 14 votes to two, love.

That's all abstained. Listen, why I'm ringing... Yes, of course I'm ringing to

tell you I love you, love. And to say that I bought a bed.

Brass. A big one from this dealer I met. No, not Sheila, love. Dealer.

Why did I mention her, what?

No, I said brass, love.

Brass.

No, the bed's big, not the brass.

Well, you're always saying it's worn out, aren't you, this spring's gone?

No, not mine. I'm not worn out, love. No, our old bed. You know, the new one

in me brother Fred's shed, you see. Yes, but it can't stay there, you see. I'm

telling you, the bed in the shed.

No, I haven't been to bed with anyone in Fred's shed. Love, the bed is in Fred's

shed. It's in Fred's way.

Well, it's in the whole family's way.

No, I haven't got anyone in the family.

If I had, would I tell you?

Well, look, who do you think I got in the family?

Anthea? There is no Anthea. She is just the second letter of vandalised, love.

I wish I'd just said it were bust.

Bust.

B for big.

No, nobody's got a big bus, doll.

Well, of course, some people have got a big... But Anthea hasn't, and she isn't

too stout, and I haven't vandalised her in bed in Fred's shed, and I'll be home

tomorrow. Tomorrow!

Tea for toilet!

Oh, for... Oh, for... Oh, forget it.

Oh, dear.

I think she's beginning to suspect something, Anthea, love.

Did the dentist take your wisdom tooth out? Yeah, yeah, that's right, yeah.

Did he give you anything for it?

No, why is it worth anything?

No, I mean anesthetic.

Oh, no, I refused it, no.

I thought it might hurt.

Very considerate sort of chap, though, you know. Instead of squirting water in

your mouth, he squirts whiskey.

He never done that to me.

No, he only does it as a special treat during Christmas week.

Who do you think paid for the Rolls Royce?

Who paid off the mortgage for the cottage in the country?

Who bought me that mink coat, eh?

Who do you think paid for it all?

Is this the man?

Yes, it is.

Well, for heaven's sake, cover him up, dear. He'll catch his death.

The year is 2012.

England, once a land of heroes, has now become a land of downtrodden men.

And who has trodden down on them? Women.

Women now rule the land with an iron rolling pin.

Aided by the commander of the dreaded state police, they have completely

subjugated men, forced them to wear the frocks, even called them feminine names.

No more heroes.

There remain only martyrs, hounded at every turn by the dreaded secret police.

However, our story concerns two miserable specimens who refuse to

their claims to manhood, Janet and Betty.

Wanted by the secret police for crimes against the state, they have been forced

to hide out in the country.

The police, however, track them down after a callous betrayal by a former

chum, a girl called Jack.

However, they make a daring escape inside a barrel.

And as the brewery van drives them to safety, Janet tells Betty of a glimmer

hope. On the horizon.

I've got an address of an organisation.

An underground organisation.

To hide us, we shall need fake papers, a change of clothing and a lot of nerve.

Where are they going to hide us? No, they're not going to hide us. Even

than that. They're going to give us a chance to start a completely new life.

Free. Completely free.

How? They plan to smuggle us over the border.

You mean?

Yes.

Into Wales.

And so, accompanied by Betty's brother -in -law, Diana, our heroes visit a

certain dress shop in a nearby market town which specializes in the latest

dresses for men.

Can I help you, sir?

Yes, my friend and I would both like something in blue.

Blue, sir?

What kind of blue?

True blue.

I think we might have something to suit you in the stockroom.

It's upstairs.

Follow me, would you, sir?

With Armstrong.

But we prefer surnames only, huh?

Chalmersby. Yes, I heard you were coming.

Cartwright. J .P.

Oh, what's the P for?

Petula, I think. Oh, is it? That's funny. I have an uncle, Petula.

As I say, we've got Chalmers and Cartwright, except, of course, we'll

change the names on those papers.

Now, come round here and put up a couple of chairs.

Come on.

Let's see.

A couple of good Welsh names.

How about Yantel open for the dio in?

out of a Welsh copy of the Yellow Pages smuggled over the border last month.

Bag, bring some coffee, would you?

That's Bag.

Good man. Unfortunate name.

Made even worse by his father, christening him Edna.

Edna Bag.

And his own obscure reference to his mother.

Right, photos.

take these off, will you?

Ready, Thursday?

Ready.

Good man, Bag.

Local chemist, you know.

We've got a man in the developing department.

Good chap.

Bit gay.

And his original puffin boots.

He's one of us, but he's also one of them, if you know what I mean.

Now, who's going to do the talking?

What, apart from you, you mean?

At the border.

Best if any one of you talk.

Oh, you better do that, Betty, old chap. You do the Welsh accent.

He played the lead in Under Milk Wood at the romantic club.

Mine always comes out sort of, you know, Pakistani.

Fine.

Now, as a cover story, you're a couple of Welshmen going across the border to

visit relatives.

Maybe a wedding.

Wear a corsage of carnations. Oh, is that the usual thing for weddings in

carnations? Oh, yes, yes, men always wear them.

Women tend to go for a leak at weddings. Well, it's exciting.

Yes, well, carnations.

Melanie, two corsages of carnations for Thursday.

mean, Melanie?

One pink, one white. White all right for you, Chalmers? Yes, fine.

White goes with anything, fine.

All right?

Fine. Right. Now, keep it bright and breezy, and above all, keep going when

you're across the border.

You'll be met the other side by two of our agents, Bob Newton and Ivor Jevons.

Women? No, no, no, no. Men.

Men. No female domination over there.

Welsh men have men's names.

That's why you're travelling as Deanto and I, and not making them a fun way.

Any questions?

Um, yes, I've got... question. Would you mind very much if I brought Herbert

with me? He's my pet mouse.

I've got him here.

I don't see why not.

No quarantine restrictions.

But I shouldn't show him unless you have to. He might decide to get awkward.

He doesn't squeak or anything, does he?

Oh, of course he doesn't.

He's as quiet as a mouse.

and the barrier across the road.

Simply get out of the car, turn around, and wave goodbye to us as if we'd given

you a lift, and then carry on towards the guards.

Have your papers ready, and they don't have so long to stare at you.

Papers. Where are you going?

Oh, we're going to a wedding, isn't it? My next -door neighbour's niece,

Blodwyn. Beautiful girl she is, yes.

Outstanding, I might say, in every direction.

Lovely. Has to be squeezed to be believed, it does.

And only 17, too.

Ah, a minor.

No, she's marrying a minor, isn't I, Sprook?

What about you?

Oh, he's with me.

I spoke to him. I know, but he's a bit shy, is he? Shut up.

You? Answer me.

Oh, yes, I'm definitely with my friend here.

Look, you need a witness.

I'm on my way here on our way to Yakida with my oppo here at the

wedding, really.

You're not Welsh.

No, no, he's not. He's not.

He's Indian.

Indian? Yes, his grandpa came over here, you see, about, oh, in the 70s, I think

it was, and opened up a takeaway in Merioneth since when the family have

looked back.

He doesn't look Indian.

No, no, well, they've never looked black either.

Never looked black or black. Well, there's all colours of Indians. There's

Indians, there's white Indians.

A lot of interbreeding goes on out there, see. Well, it's the weather, you

Oh, he says, nothing else to do in the rainy season.

Right, all right. Don't keep on.

Go on. You're cleared.

Just a minute.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't the two worms that turned.

Come inside, please.

Oh, God, that's the finish.

What are you doing here? How did you know?

A little bird told me. A little bird you left tied up in her bathroom.

She said you'd head for the border, and she was right.

Guards!

This calls for a little celebration.

Yes, Commander. Go into the village and get me some champagne.

Champagne? A magnum. A couple of magnums.

I wish to celebrate with my two old friends here.

We have no transport.

Well, take my car and hurry and make sure the champagne is cold.

Will you be all right here alone, Commander?

Of course. These are my friends. They won't harm me.

Hurry.

Here, the keys.

Why'd you do that?

Why?

Because, my dear Betty, the regulations state that I'm not allowed to shoot you

in cold blood. That wouldn't be justice.

Since when has that bothered you?

But if you try to escape, I can shoot you in the back.

And that's what you're going to do.

That's why I sent away the witnesses, my little friend.

You can't do that.

Why can't I?

I might refuse to turn around.

Then I shall shoot you in the front and then the back.

You have two minutes to live, both of you. Is there anything either of you

to say?

Yes. There's something I'd like to say.

Something which I know men all over England would like to say to you.

Whoever they are, wherever they may be.

The rich man in his mansion, the poor man in his lowly cottage. I know I speak

for all of them when I say...

amusing.

You know where you're going to get the first bullet as you walk away.

Well, and have you got an insult for me? Something that will make sure you get

shot in the raspberry too?

No. Mine's in the nature of a last request.

How romantic.

What is it?

I want to smoke a pipe full of tobacco before I die.

You know that pipe smoking by men is a crime.

Well, you can always send me to prison.

After you've shot me in the back, that is.

You're right.

It doesn't really apply in your case, does it?

Certainly. Go ahead. Smoke your pipe.

Tobacco. The age -old masculine weakness that brought the arrogant male

eventually to his knees.

And allowed women to assume their rightful place in society as rulers.

Rulers through strength.

Strength. The might of womanhood will prevail for the very reason that we are

invested with many strengths.

Strengths of character.

Strengths of will.

Strengths of purpose.

Greater strengths than mere men could ever achieve.

We are invincible.

We have...

You have one, this one.

There used to be a play once called Of Mice and Men.

Very famous. Who knows, one day, Herbert, you may be even more famous as

mouse who saved a man.

Two men.

That's the whole of mankind.

Guard her well, Herbert.

And if she moves a muscle, straight up her trouser leg.

And so ends the tale of the worm that turned.

Or does it?

Was it just a story? Or will it happen?

That is in the future.

For the present, our heroes are safe in a new land.

Safe in a land where men are men and women are glad of it.

A land where women constantly keep a welcome in the hillside and something

in the oven.

See the telly last night?

Yeah.

One of those boring so -called modern plays.

Yeah. No story, no plot, no ending.

Just a load of old morons, you know, sitting about there jabbering about

nothing. Yeah.

Real -life drama, they call it.

Real -life drama, my foot. You don't get people in real life just sitting about

jabbering about nothing, do you? Of course you don't. Real -life drama.

Everything they say in those plays, they repeat.

Everything they say in those plays, they repeat.

Everything.

Real life drama.

Blaming ridiculous.

Do they think that in real life, people repeat everything they say? I ask you.

Do they think in real life, people repeat...

Everything they say, I mean, I ask you. Over and over again. Yeah, over and over

again. Over and over again.

I mean, you don't get people in real life repeating things like that over and

over again. Not over and over again.

Not in real life, do you?

Do you know, in some of those plays, I've seen them repeat the same thing

times. Three times they repeat the same thing.

They repeat the same thing.

Last night, they repeat the same thing four times.

Four times they repeat the same thing.

Four times. Yeah, four times.

Flaming ridiculous.

Don't try to tell me that sort of thing happens in real life.

Flaming boring repetition.

Flaming boring repetition, that's all it is.

Flaming boring.

Yeah, flaming boring.

Tonight I'd like to tell you a very, very funny joke.

No, no, this is the sort of joke which will still be loved and enjoyed even

it's a hundred years old.

A week next Tuesday.

Why do I bother?

Why do I carry on every week?

When you consider three times the money I could go and work for British Rail.

Who says crime doesn't pay? Anyway, if I had gone...

Now, if I'd gone... I didn't say that very loud. Did you notice that?

If I'd gone into films by now, I could have matured into a huge international

sex symbol.

You can laugh.

You can laugh.

Did they explain that when you came in? You can laugh.

But...

I'm laughing. Won't you join us?

For a strange quirk, but for a strange quirk of fate, I could have been the new

Charles Bronson.

If the old one had been a pint -sized comedian wearing glasses.

Actually, I'm being unfair to myself again there. All these stories I put

about being small. I mean, when I say that for three months I served as a shop

steward on a silicon chip.

Well, that is, no, it's just part of my professional repertoire.

The truth is I've always been a bit sensitive about my physique.

Since the time I went into hospital, took all my clothes off, the doctor

over and gave me the kiss of life.

I suppose, really, I should never have got undressed in the first place.

Strictly speaking, my wife wasn't even allowed visitors.

As it happened, I was admitted myself shortly after. I'd been feeling very

and tired.

Nothing. you know, nothing the doctors did seemed to help. At one point they

me on a course of iron tablets, and I went down with metal fatigue.

You see, people never take me seriously. Like the dressing rooms they have given

me here at the BBC.

You won't believe this, but until a month ago, I was still classified as a

puppet.

Until the start of each show, I was kept folded up in a biscuit tin with a basil

brush.

Worst of all, there must be this set, you know, a box with a chair in it.

this week, my pride got the better of me, and I went to complain to the

controller of BBC One. He said, don't worry about a thing, he said.

As from this week, we're giving the whole set a facelift. More sparkle, more

glitter, more razzmatazz, he said. He said, you won't even recognise it.

little mind shall i if only it were that simple do

you do you realize that one stab with this i could cause a national walkout by

the amalgamated union of balloon poppers which could seriously disrupt diana

door's acupuncture course so i won't bother so why should i descend to their

level mine's like children all of them oh it reminds me little wave to my own

children

Only we had a row this morning about watching Daddy on television, you know.

They wanted to go to bed.

No, I promise to do that because they've not had an easy time

at home recently.

The riots in the hamster's cage are just entering the third week.

And on Monday afternoon, our little boy came in very distraught. His piggy bank

contracted swine fever.

Had to be put down, very sad.

Added to which, last weekend, our young puppy dog was sniffing around the front

room, accidentally swallowed the remote control gadget for the television.

All a bit unfortunate.

You know, now we have to twiddle his tummy to get BBC One.

If you want ITV, we've got to twiddle the top of his left leg.

Thank God we never watch BBC Two.

Anyway, on to the joke.

Which concerns this rather

posh, well -to -do lady from Belgravia

who one day takes her young son for a day out to the local cattle shows. He

the son is all agog because he's never seen a cow close up before.

Well, he's seen bits of them, you know, among the Yorkshire pudding, but he's

never...

Never seen what they look like all put together. And as they're standing there

looking at one particular cow, an old farmer comes up and starts feeling the

animal all along its flank, pressing and kneading the muscles, pinching the skin

around the tummy.

I think he was trying to get BBC Two as well, actually.

Generally feeling the cow's body, you see. And the boy turns to his mummy, he

said, Mummy, because he knew her quite well.

He said, Mummy, he said, what is that man doing that for? Well, his mother

well, he has got to do that.

You know, that tells him how much meat there is on the cow, and if he thinks

there's enough, he'll buy it.

It's quite educational, this joke, isn't it?

Yes, it is quite educational.

That's about all it is. Anyway, I... No, it isn't. It gets better in a minute.

So, a couple of days later, the boy is sitting at the breakfast table in the

family's plush mansion house.

tucking into his quadraphonic Rice Krispies and wearing a bit of a frown.

mother asked him what's on his mind. He said, well, you know me, you told me the

other day, Mummy, about that farmer and the cow at the cattle market.

Yes, she said yes.

He said, well, I was just walking past the kitchen a few minutes ago and I

Daddy wants to buy the cook.

your name is?

Is that

one L or two?

Now then, I see here that your previous job was a waiter in a top Mayfair

restaurant.

And you were dismissed after only one week's service. Why exactly?

Oh,

well, that's perfectly understandable.

Now, if you've got the position here, you could start next week, couldn't you?

Excellent. Well, I think that just about settles it. I mean, you seem to us to

be the ideal man for the job.

Congratulations on becoming the new station announcer at Paddington.

Oh, my God.

We've got trotting ponies by the score.

We've got cavalry left over from the First World War.

We've got elephants and herds next door. And the rhubarb's up to here.

Old Billy is a bumbling stumbler. When he's tiddly, he's a hopeless bumbler.

He's such a bop -shot. He'd better watch out. He'll get a wallop from a half

-pint tumbler. Last night's pyramid was slightly hairy. Lost his balance on a

drum of dairy.

Pearl with a shout. Camel got a clout. Now it's Humphrey's inside out.

We have got a lady juggler with amazing wits.

She wears castle goods and you ain't a twiddly.

And they fly in all directions when she does the split.

Gert -less contortionist got knocked in and retired.

And Roderick Small, the cannonball, got fired.

Rudy Luffit on the high trapeze. At it for years and years.

Ruined his act and his party face.

Swinging from the candle.

The lion tamers tricks ain't what they used to be.

He's nearly... 86.

The lion's 93.

The lion has lost its bite. They're both the best of chums. When Fred sticks in

his head, he sucks him with his guns out.

He either can't be with us tonight.

He either can't be with us tonight. He either can't be with us tonight. He

either can't be with us tonight. He either can't be with us

tonight.

We lost our tattooed lady, Lindy Lou.

Tattooed from head to toe, it's in his view.

On her front, she's got New Delhi. Round the back, the Tower of Pisa. But to see

her after triumph, you'd require a special visa.

On her chest, the Pyramids were seen.

She's got a Khyber Pass in pastel green.

And beneath the lost oasis, She'd some interesting places where no man but

Bellamy has been.

Oh, you can't beat the circus, the ladies on the green.

The men with mighty muscles are a sight to see. When the girls have had a

pennant on the triestring machine, they like a little bounce upon the

trampoline.

He went out and caught him with the lady acrobat.

He took her down to Chinese for a bit of this and that.

Later on, he popped the question, but she wasn't very keen. Till she had a

little bounce upon his trout. Oh, he can't take the surface. When he comes

he's ruining his day. Oh, that's busy.

If you think he's looking jaded, then he's technically what he's been.

Do you want to do a baloney trampoline?

I broke an actor. In the circus, in the circus. Slip up a fraction.

In the circus, in the circus. You'll be in traction.

In the circus.

All's are torrential. In the circus.

All's are torrential. In the circus.

In the circus. In the circus.

In the circus.

In the circus.

Silly feet, feet, feet.

That seems to be about all we have time for this series. I'd like to thank our

special guests, Barbara Dixon and Elkie Brooks.

And, of course, Diana Dawes.

But before we go, a few late items of news.

The New Zealand rugby touring team's match against an all -gay 15 ended

in a nil -nil draw, even though the gays had eight tries under conversion.

The meteorological office's long -range forecast today predicted a mild winter

next year, instead of summer.

On Dartmoor last night, the Devon police raided a black magic ceremony and took

away all the hazelnut clusters.

And Britain's strangest ever wedding took place in London today, when a man

used to be a woman married a woman who used to be a man.

The bride's mother used to be a male nurse.

The best man used to be a bridesmaid, and the wedding cake started life as a

French tart.

And we've just heard that a juggernaut of onions has shed its load all over the

M1. Motorists are advised to find a hard shoulder to cry on.

Finally, explorers on a remote Pacific island have discovered a Japanese

who didn't know the war was over, an Irishman who didn't know it had even

and a drunken Scotsman who wants to start it all over again.

And it's good night from here. Good night.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0