Original subtitles

Good evening. It's wonderful to be back with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Indeed

it is. And in a packed programme tonight, we shall be meeting the Irish

has never found a hair on her husband's coat and thinks he's having an affair

with a bald woman.

We'll be meeting Egbert Grove.

Britain's worst train driver, who was today disciplined by the Railways Board

for taking his train through a red light at the junction of Tottenham Court Road

and Oxford Service.

But first, the news. The Sheffield woman who has been trying out the new roast

beef flavoured pill announced today that she's got a Yorkshire pudding in the

oven. In Israel tennis championships this week, a Surrey engine driver was

forced to retire from the mixed doubles after a low ball in the Midland region

left his services severely disrupted.

A government spokesman said today that Britain will be playing her part in the

new NATO defence package. We should be supplying the brown paper and string.

The Department of Fair Trading has been called in to investigate the latest sing

-along a Max concert after complaints that Max Bygraves got paid £9 ,000 and

audience did most of the singing.

The Metropolitan Police today deny that prisoners in their custody are

excessively pampered. This follows yesterday's report.

that a man was hustled out of New Scotland Yard with an electric blanket

his head.

Bendini, the circus acrobat, who claims he can make love on a curtain rail,

appeared in court today charged with attempting to drape three women.

We've now a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie Corbett, who was late for work today. He

was cleaning out the budgie cage and the door slammed on him.

And so to our first contender. Good evening, your name please.

Good evening.

In your first heat, your chosen subject was answering questions before they were

asked. This time, you have chosen to answer the question before last each

Is that correct?

Charlie Smithers.

And your time starts now. What is paleontology?

Yes, absolutely correct.

What's the name of the directory that lists members of the peerage?

A study of old fossils.

Correct. Who are Len Murray and Sir Geoffrey Howe?

Birks.

Correct. What is the difference between a donkey and an ass?

One's a trade union leader, the other's a member of the cabinet.

Hold on.

Complete the quotation, to be or not to be?

They're both the same. Correct.

What is Bernard Manning famous for?

That is the question.

Who is the present Archbishop of Canterbury?

He is a fat man who tells blue jokes.

Correct.

What do people kneel on in church?

The Right Reverend Robert Runcie.

Correct. What do tarantulas prey on?

Hyssocks.

Correct.

What would you use a ripcord to pull open?

Large flies.

Correct. What sort of a person lived in Bedlam?

A parachute.

Correct. What is a jockstrap? A nutcase.

Correct.

For what purpose would a decorator use methylene

chlorides? A form of athletic support.

Correct. What did Henri de Toulouse -Lautrec do?

Paint strippers.

Correct. Who is Dean Martin?

He's a kind of artist.

Yes. What sort of artist?

That's near enough.

What make of vehicle is the standard London bus?

A singer. Correct.

In 1892, Brandon Thomas wrote a famous long -running English farce. What was

British Zealand.

Correct. Complete the following quotation... I started so I'd finish.

the following quotation about Mrs. Thatcher.

Her heart may be in the right place, but her... Charlie's aunt. Correct.

Good evening.

I'm the Fuzz.

I'm actually a plainclothes officer, but today's my day off.

Now, where I work, at Marylebone Police Station, we have the worst crime record

in the country.

At least we used to have before somebody stole it.

It was Shaw Taylor singing Give Me Five Minutes More.

And that's where you come in. Now, the crime figures in Britain today make

pretty grim reading. Now, you just listen to this.

In Pinner, last weekend, a store was broken into and a large quantity of eye

drops were stolen.

Detectives are looking for someone with very sore eyes.

Next day, a large quantity of pear drops were stolen and detectives are now

looking for a nude lady who plays the accordion.

Now, if you recognise this joke or can give information about the comedian who

stole it, Let us know at once. In the meantime, here is a very rough identikit

of his name.

But our problems don't end there. We in the police force are perilously

understaffed, and we need recruits fast.

But remember, we do insist on stiff requirements.

So if you've got a stiff requirement, you're just the man we're looking for.

As you've probably heard, we no longer accept men under six foot. Why not?

it's too much trouble digging them up, for one thing.

Remember also that there is a minimum leg requirement, namely two.

Or four, if you want to join the police dog section.

In Marylebone, we have a very fine dog section.

My own police dog, Fang, can be relied upon to do his duty around the clock.

And sometimes round the leg of the dining room table.

Now, if you don't fancy becoming a talk handler, there's always the policewomen.

Now... To become a policewoman, you'll have to be in pretty good shape.

Preferably this shape.

Here we see a lady chief inspector with the flying squad.

And there are her sweeney boppers.

Now, at police college, you will be taught the basic rudiments of the job.

Essential things every policeman must know, like how to wear a helmet. Now,

is a lot easier.

Now,

this is a lot easier.

Now, this is a lot easier than it sounds.

Now, here we see the wrong way to wear a helmet.

Sorry, silly that. No use at all. But worn correctly, a police helmet will

considerable protection where you need it most.

Also, at police college, you will be put on a three -week crash course to learn

the police telephone number. Now, this number is specially designed to be so

simple that only a complete simpleton could ever forget it. The number is, of

course... I've got it written down on a piece of paper here somewhere.

Oh, yes, of course, 666.

This is not to be confused, of course, with calling 999, which is something my

German au pair does in the back seat of the Mini.

also be fully schooled in the oriental martial arts. Now, this means that when

an eight -foot skinhead comes at you with a chainsaw, you simply position

body so as to counterbalance the net mass of your opponent and by a subtle

of your fulcrum, reduce his overall angular momentum.

If this fails, kick him in the conkers.

You can also be taught how to deal with shoplifters. Now, some shoplifters use

some pretty ingenious methods. I once had cause to approach a woman who I was

pretty certain and been smuggling out bars of soap down the front of her

Eventually, of course, she made a clean breast of it.

Now, if you join the drug squad, you'll need to identify certain suspicious

substances, like, for instance, marijuana.

There's one.

Cross between a marrow and a banana.

You will also have to deal with cement sniffers.

That's glue sniffers who've moved on to the hard stuff.

Our next track, which brings us to drunken drivers. Now here, here we have

new breathalyzer bag.

Very simple to operate. All you do is to press your mouth to this bit here.

And if you enjoy

it, you're drunk.

Finally, if you would like to join the police force, you've got an O -level in

brain surgery and stand six foot in your stocking feet or five foot eleven in

fishnet tights, then write for your application form. Now, one final word of

warning. When you do join up, the gents at Scotland Yard has only just been

repainted, so mind how you go. Good night.

You reckon we'll have longer now than we used to?

Oh, undoubtedly, yes.

I never lived so long in my life.

It's because they've gone back to the breastfeeding, you know. Oh?

Well, mother's milk's much better than cow's milk.

How do you reckon that, then?

Well, it's always fresh when the cat can't get at it.

And it comes in handy little containers.

Yeah. And you don't have to leave them out for the milkman.

The woman next door does.

Baby cried the day the circus came to town.

Cause she didn't want the rage of passing by her.

So she painted on a smile and took up with some clown.

And danced without a net.

Like me

Baby saw the day they pulled the big top down.

Left behind her dreams among the litter.

And the different kind of love she thought she found.

With nothing more than sawdust and some glitter.

But baby can.

She had the finest teacher that to me

The dateline is 2012.

England is in the grip of a new regime of terror.

Traditionally a land of brave heroes and great statesmen, Nelson, Wellington,

Disraeli, Churchill.

Britain now laboured under the yoke of a power guaranteed to strike fear into

the hearts of all men. The country is being run by women.

It all started with Margaret Thatcher.

Housewives all over England, delighted at her rise to power, voted more and

women in and more and more men out.

A few years later, the Germaine Greer knicker uprising made 1984 a far more

terrifying year than even George Orwell predicted.

Men's clubs were abolished, gentlemen's toilets closed, creating widespread

distress among thinking and drinking men everywhere.

Gay libbers naturally were the first to go to the wall.

The advance of feminism was by now making itself felt in public and

spheres. Names of buildings were changed.

The Houses of Parliament were still the Houses of Parliament, but immediately

the all -woman government took over. Big Ben was renamed Big Brenda.

By 1998, the newly formed State Police had established their headquarters in

old Tower of London.

This historic fortress, with its grisly associations of torture and executions,

had been given the name of a former folk heroine and was now known to all and

sundry as Barbara Castle.

The state police marched around the country in squads.

They were omnipotent and carried all before them.

Quite a lot behind them as well.

It had become, in short, an England completely dominated by the female sex.

Even the Union Jack had now become the Union Jill, a sad travesty of its former

self.

Women were the breadwinners. They gave the orders. They made the decisions.

They were the union leaders, the captains of industry.

And the men?

Well, let's start with this one.

Because it has indeed been.

Really.

Cartwright, J .W.

He is employed as a tea boy at the secret police headquarters in Barbara

He has a pass with his photograph on it, pinned to his overall.

He lives in a two -roomed flat in Perryvale, and he is the worm that is

turn.

His main adversary, everybody's main adversary, was the commander of the

police, a woman with an iron will and underwear to match.

Now, ladies, it has been suggested by certain opposition factions... that

men should once again be allowed to revert to wearing trousers.

And I can see that to you, as well as to me, this whole concept is unthinkable.

They must be kept in frocks if we are to retain the control which we have fought

so hard to achieve.

Trousers have always been the symbol of the male overlord. Here in England...

Trousers were traditionally always worn by the head of the family.

In those olden days, all women had an image of their perfect man.

Nice strong black one for you, wasn't it?

And yet, deep down, there was always a resentment. A spirit of rebellion which

was ready at any time to burst to the surface. When our mothers and

burnt their bras way back in the 70s, what did this reveal?

Nothing at all for you, as far as I remember.

It revealed that at last women, the creators of life, the protectors of the

young, the guardians of the future, were ready to assume the mantle of

leadership. The masterstroke, however, was to insist on the changeover in

traditional dress.

Once the men had to wear the frocks, they were subjugated.

As soon as we took their trousers away, they were putty in our hands.

After all, what did they have left?

Two lumps and a sponge finger.

While on the other side of London, another downtrodden male goes about his

everyday chores, only half conscious of the seeds of rebellion which are growing

inside him.

Oh, it's you, Janet.

Yeah, how are you?

No, no, no, not at all, no, no. Just doing a bit of housework.

Yeah. I don't know why I bother either.

Yes, I work and slave to keep it all clean and tidy. She just comes home,

down in an armchair, falls asleep in front of the television set.

Just broken two of my blasted fingernails as well.

Look, are you coming round as usual this afternoon?

Well, yes, I've made a cake.

No, no, nothing fancy, no, just a plain one.

Well, I've got to watch the old figure.

I can't get into that blue dress she bought me for my birthday. Right.

Okay, see you later. Bye.

Oh, damn.

New pair on this morning.

Let me take your coat. Oh.

Well, how are you, Betty, old chap?

Oh, fine, fine, mustn't bother.

Sit down.

Thank you. Nice cup of tea.

Oh, you've changed the curtains, haven't you? Yes, yes, yes.

Oh, before I forget, the drama club have been on, and they said, would I be in

this year's production again? I said, I would if you would. I presume you would,

wouldn't you? Oh, rather, yes. Wouldn't miss that for work.

What is it?

Well, of course, you know they've made them change the titles of all the plays

that have sexual connotations.

Oh, they're not doing Juno and the Peahen?

No.

Moby Dillis?

No, you remember the one that used to be called Little Women? Well, now it's

called Little Men.

You'd be good for the leading, actually.

Which part is that?

Arthur, the eldest daughter.

Oh, it gets so complicated.

Betty, old chap, I'm in trouble.

In trouble?

Don't tell me John's pregnant.

No, no.

No, it's just that I'm being spied on at work.

What, at the castle?

I think the secret police have heard about my collection of chauvinistic

I'm sure that house is going to be searched any moment.

We'll have to get rid of them.

Can't you see? Not before Thursday.

You know, I'm having the private show in the auction rooms.

It'll be the last, because it's just getting too risky. Did you know that you

can get three months' hard labour for showing a Humphrey Bogart?

So, you want me to spread the word to the rest of the lads, eh?

Yes, if you would, in the secret code, tell them Sewing Circle meets on

Thursday, as usual. Same place.

Does he mind you using his auction rooms?

Who, Greta? No, he's a great chap, Greta. He'd give you the dress off his

if you asked.

Right, so if it happens, I should be seeing some of the lads in the morning.

really? Why, are you going to keep fit?

No, having my roots done.

Susan, give Cheryl a knock, will you, damned old fools? There's a deck of the

post. No, no.

Come in.

Cheryl.

Oh.

Showing evening Thursday, all right?

Oh, good, good.

Oh, Thursday.

Huh.

My wife goes out with her boozing pals.

Pass it on, will you? Yeah.

Gracie. Gracie.

I think we can turn things on.

Annie, what the devil are you doing here, old boy?

Police.

who are the police looking for?

Will Janet be discovered?

Will the policewoman see him? Or will the vanishing cream do the trick?

Is Betty a man to be trusted?

Find out next week in another exciting episode of The Worm That Turned.

What? Now you told me the doctor said you could only have two points a day.

That's right, yeah.

Well, your missus tells me you have half a dozen.

Yeah, that's right, yeah.

How come?

Well, I went to two other doctors and they both are laying me two points.

No, it's pretty kind.

I'll have a pint of... What, a pint of mard? No, a pint of... A pint of bitter?

No, a pint of... A pint of mard and bitter? No, a pint of shandy. Oh, a pint

shandy. A pint of shandy, Jack, will you?

I haven't seen you in here lately.

No, as a matter of fact, I've been off... Off on holiday, have you? No,

Off beer, have you? No, um... Off colour.

Off colour?

What's been the matter with you, then?

Well, I happened at work, got these strange feelings in my... In your

No, in my... What, in your back?

No, in my... In your side?

No, in my... In your backside?

What sort of feelings? Well, it happened in the canteen, you know.

I was sitting opposite this woman and she got one of those... Look in her eye.

No, one of those... What, hourglass figures?

No, apple turnovers.

So she got this apple turnover and she kept... Turned it over?

No, she kept toying with it. Oh, toying with it, yeah.

Oh, there we are.

Thank you, Jack. Thank you very much. Cheers, cheers. Yeah, cheers, cheers.

Anyway, as I say, we were sitting opposite each other at this little

Yeah. And I suddenly felt her... Her hand on your knee.

No.

Her hand on your other knee. No.

What did you feel then? What's she got her hand on? What did you feel then? No,

no, no.

No. No, well, I felt... I felt her looking at me, you know.

I could tell she fancied me, you know. We got chatting about this, about

gardening and all that. Oh, yeah, yeah. And it came up in a conversation that

I'm very good on... On the lawn.

No.

On Friday nights.

Now, I'm very good on pest control.

Oh, I hear you.

So she said to me, what are you doing this afternoon?

I said, oh, I should very probably be out shopping because the wife will be

resting in bed with her... With any luck.

No.

No, with her trouble. Oh.

What trouble's she got then?

Well, ever since she worked at a Greek restaurant, she's had bad... Bad habits.

No, bad... Bad breath. No, bad... Bad feet.

Oh, has she?

Yeah. So... She says, look, she says, you come round. I could sunbathe in the

patio, she says. Yeah. And you could look at my big, um... Big what?

Big what?

Begonia.

Well,

at first I refused because I was a bit taken aback, you know. Yeah. I said, no,

I couldn't. I said, because I didn't have a long enough, um... What?

I didn't have a long enough, um... What,

a spray or what? No, no.

No, a long enough shopping list to be away that long.

I went, cos she pleaded with me, didn't she? She pleaded with me. She said if I

didn't go round there, she'd be lying there all afternoon on her... On her

No, on her... On her front. No, on her... On her begonias.

No,

on her own. On her own.

So there she was in her sun suit and we wandered about and everything, and I

suddenly said to her, I said, I would like to kiss you, I said. Well, she

immediately got on her... Hands and knees.

No, on her eye holes. Oh, her eye holes.

She said, sir... She said, I think you're a little, um... A little raver?

A little drunk?

No, a little premature.

Oh, a little premature drunk.

She said, I've only known you an hour, she said. You'll have to wait another

minutes.

Then she went indoors, you know. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, I stayed behind and tidied up the rockery and that kind of thing. Then I

went indoors, and there she was, waiting for me in the hall. In the hall

together?

In the hall of the house. Oh.

Well, a nice time was that by all, and afterwards she gave me a round of... A

round of applause?

A round of... A round of golf? No, a round of toast, a cup of tea. Oh.

When I got home, I was very worried. Why, why?

Well, I thought the wife had found out. I walked in. Do you know what she gave

me? What?

The moment I walked in the door, she gave me a bunch of... A bunch of Pfizer,

I'm afraid.

No, a bunch of begonias.

Thank

you.

Tonight, as a slight change of policy, I'm going to tell a new joke.

In fact, this joke is so new, I haven't even heard it myself yet.

Which has been, because, well, it's been a very busy, somewhat distressing week

at home this week.

For a start, our own little boy was very upset over the news that the new train

set we bought him for his birthday had been cancelled due to staff shortages.

So by way of a reparation, on Monday afternoon, I said I'd mend

his little dinky car.

you know, a little bit unfortunate as it turned out because at one point the

jack gave way and I was pinned to the carpet.

So suddenly, suddenly, in rushed my wife.

She said to me, she said to me, tiddles, she said.

Tiddles, she said. She's got a shocking memory for faces.

Tiddles, she said.

She said, in fact, she's got such a bad memory for faces, on three occasions

this week she put lipstick and eyeshadow on the milkman.

Or at least that's what he told the judge. Anyway.

Tiddles, she said.

I've just had two nasty accidents, she said, in the car. Tiddles.

She said, first I backed into a lamppost, then I knocked down a keep

and then I ran right over Arthur Scargill.

I said, just a minute, that's three accidents.

She said, no, only two accidents.

Thank you, Tories. Anyway, on to this joke, the one I haven't heard. Remember?

I wonder what it came to me about.

It's exciting, isn't it?

Isn't it?

Now, I do know that it all takes place on board a ship.

The captain was a very strange piece of work.

He had a very rough, old, wooden leg, you know.

A habit of sitting down and blistering his barnacles.

Mind you, he certainly knew...

He certainly knew how to throw a party. Good heavens. Food, drink, women, music.

You hardly noticed that we're missing.

Although on the last party he threw, I'll be honest, things did get a bit out

hand. I remember I was sitting in the corner.

We were well into injury time.

I was sitting there, still feeling rather groggy after sampling the crow's

soup.

It was quite obvious that the captain had had one or two.

I blame the drink myself.

Most of the crew were in a somewhat amphibious condition, singing songs like

in the mood for love and it's impossible.

When all at once one of the lady passengers leapt up onto the table and

our very eyes proceeded to put away half a pint of lager, got half drunk, took

half of her clothes off, then attempted, half attempted really, to sing half of

a dirty rugby song.

ended up making a complete monocle of herself.

It takes a little while, that one, doesn't it?

Disgusting behaviour for a woman of 30, I thought. I was so shocked, I almost

dropped my Polaroid camera.

Which, by strange coincidence, has nothing whatsoever to do with the joke,

which, as I say, takes place on board this American naval destroyer.

Where there's an urgent message that's just come through on the radio to say

that the father of sub -lieutenant Hiram J.

Hennessy has just passed away.

Everybody went quiet with that name. Has just passed away at his home in

Seattle. And the rear admiral calls the captain and he says, you're Hennessy's

immediate commanding officer. I think you should be the one to tell him.

So the captain, it's rather good that way.

So the captain.

The captain radios through to Hennessy, who is down at the engine room, as

delicately as he can. He says, as delicately as he can, he breaks the

news. He said, Hennessy, your old man has snuffed it over and out.

Well, the rear admiral overhearing this is disgusted.

I am disgusted, he said.

There you are. What did I tell you? I told you.

He said, that was the most heartless thing I have ever witnessed.

When you're telling someone like that something of great urgency, you have to

it gently.

Use the personal touch.

Soften the blow for the poor fellow. So as luck would have it, or chance, a day

later, another message comes through, this time for petty officer

Schultzenheimer, to say that his mother has just passed away.

Actually, she was so upset by the death of R .M .G. Energy's father.

She decided life wasn't worth living anymore.

Once again, it falls to the captain to break the news. So remembering what he'd

been told, he decides to try a different approach. Instead of going straight to

Schultzenheimer, he puts out a special order that at 1800 hours for all the men

to assemble on deck. And when they're all there lined up in front of him, he

calls for silence. He says, right.

He said, all those with mothers step forward.

Not so fast, Schultzenheimer.

I got the loot. I got the gat. I got the outfit.

I got the stout fit. Every well -dressed gangster wears.

They call me Al.

They call me Spatz. But if a pal, she call me Pats. He'll get the packet, the

wooden jacket.

Every well -dressed gangster wears.

We're just your friendly neighborhood.

So the big shots disagree.

We rule the block with a big knock -knock and a little rat -a -tat from me.

We got the boots.

We got the jets.

There's Al Capone in Alcatraz. He's in the plane kit, the ball and chain kit,

every well -dressed gangster wears.

If you want someone bumped, if you want a fella dumped and dumped, if you want

your grandma thumped, fat son of a guy.

If you've got nagging wives, Interflora can improve their lives.

But who sends a bunch of fives? Fat son of a guy.

When a guy's got a beef at the butcher.

Or the bills that the dentist has billed. Then we give a chop to the

And the dentist is gonna get filled.

If you desire a gent.

And a little journey should be sent.

Get wrapped in fresh cement.

That's another guy.

Yes, we're in the gambling racket.

And we play the fruit machine.

Oh, the jackpot comes when you get three plums, but we just get tangerines.

Yes, we're in the numbers racket, and the quick returns are nice.

It's ten on three with Wang Haile, but all we get is two flied lice.

If you want a little first -rate brandy, Napoleon is A -OK.

But if you want to pick a bootleg liquor, the Wellington has got bouquet.

Yes, we're in the moonshine racket, and we brew the bathtub gin.

But it rots the chrome when it starts to foam, because the lifebuoy's so

filling, you know.

Midnight through to afternoon, we play blackjack and pontoon. Playing alcafoni

when the lolly isn't phony, then you really got a twist off us.

If you want to make a buck, can't afford to dress to luck.

So I have a dozen aces in some funny little places. You really got a grist or

bust? I'm playing poker with some big joker with every hand he scores.

This vigilante says, up the ante, and I reply, oh, no, up yours.

You lose a name of past.

She was sweet, but she was flat.

Patty's looking better with a cushion up her sweater. Now, you really got a

grist or a bust?

When the gunman meets a piece of sky, then the guy used to do the dirt, shoots

the cups upon his Sunday shirt, cause it's Valentine's Day today.

When a guy in Sing Sing starts to smile cause he's got a cake that's full of

fire, then he'll soon be shooting down the aisle, cause it's Valentine's Day

today. When the fellas in Chicago took a beating, Al Capone had a party for the

lot, he took a load of whiskey to the meeting.

As they lined up in the back street yards, Al Capone winked at all his

And each time, boys, they got their cards. On Valentine's Day today.

Hey there, cutie.

You're amazing.

You're a beauty.

You're a big success. You're a real princess.

You're the valentine girl.

or small or sassy.

Though you're five foot one, though you're half a ton, you're about time to

for me.

Well, that's about all we have time for tonight, but before we go, a few late

items of news.

There was good news today for Inigo Limpet of Gay Lib when he qualified as a

doctor. He aims to be a queer nose and throat specialist.

Latest on the bullion robbery, at Wandsworth Police Station, a man who's

as a post and doesn't speak English, with a terrible stutter, bad breath and

squeaky shoes, is not helping the police with their inquiries. One little bit.

Finally, Royston Kildare, the Dewsbury man who wants various parts of his body

to be used in transplant operations, was out practising this morning. He offered

his seat to a woman on the bus.

Next week, we'll be meeting the man who only three months ago went into business

making miniaturised pocket calculators. And things are already going so well

that he's looking for smaller premises.

having a word with the secretary who made love to her boss on a Sunday and

him the time and a half of his life.

Until then, it's goodnight from me. And it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.

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