Original subtitles

Good evening. It's wonderful to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, indeed

it is. And in a packed programme tonight, we shall be bringing you

natural history film of Irish swallows flying north for the winter.

After which we'll be entertained by Elasto, the India rubber man, who caught

himself in the door at White City tube station this evening and has gone to

extraordinary lengths to get here.

But first... The news.

At the old Bailey trial today, Slasher Nobbs provided a very long profile,

signed by 3 ,000 people, written on a toilet roll.

The prosecution described it as a tissue of lies.

Harold Trott, the man who last week drove his car through the window of a

Folkestone leather craft shop, was fined £20 today and had his licence embossed.

An extraordinary general meeting of equity, the actors' union was today

by 300 fully paid -up members and 450 fully made -up members.

The post office has announced that last year they received over 5 million

complaints by letter and phone and as a result made a large profit.

Ireland's worst drought this century, now in its 13th month, Ballymena

Council... I'd missed that one myself.

Ballymena Council announced tonight that there'll be a rain -making ceremony in

the Municipal Park on Tuesday, or if wet, in the Town Hall.

Finally, good news for North London motorists. congestion on the North

Road is to be eased by the construction of the Golders Green Passover.

But now a sketch featuring Mr. Ronnie Corbett, whose dog got into the larder

this morning, ate the alphabet soup, and then left little messages everywhere.

I can wait here, Mr.

Waterton. I'll call you when the time passes.

Oh, thank you very much. I'm sorry I'm a few minutes early.

Well, an hour and 20 minutes, to be precise, but I missed my train. I caught

earlier one.

Well, are there going to be a lot of... I mean, how many people will you be...

Are you interviewing a lot of people? No, I don't suppose you are, are you?

yes, we are. Oh.

Actually.

Astray, actually.

Astray. Sorry?

Astray. Astray. Oh, sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry, Ashby. Sorry, Ashby. And I go apologising to the furniture.

I do talk to furniture now and again, but it doesn't affect my work in any

No, sir.

No, right.

Thank you. Thank you.

be without mine.

Sorry.

I say, you don't think these shoes clash with the frock, do they? No, I thought

they'd go rather well together.

Yes. Born to look my best, you know.

This damn bombazine picks up every mark, you know.

Bit of Welsh rabbit on there, look at that.

Those dodgy points when we went through Redhill. Damn good breakfast you get on

that train there.

Must, sir.

You know, I'm absolutely up a gum tree here.

Look at this. Two syllables.

There are hmm -hmms at the bottom of our garden.

Begins with F.

Ferrets? Feathers? Something like that? What? Feathers or ferrets? No, no, no.

Rhymes with Mary's.

Oh.

No, there isn't any... What's wrong with fairies? Well, nothing, nothing.

I've got nothing against them at all.

I mean, I think you're jolly splendid chaps, all of you.

to do and with whom? I mean, honestly, or vice versa.

What are you talking about?

You're talking about the dress, aren't you? I think you gay -libbed chaps are

jolly brave sticking to your guns the way you do. Listen, it's you chaps who

brave who turn up to these interviews in shirts and collars and ties and

jackets. Don't you know it's old Garnet Hammond?

Sir Garnet Hammond is doing the interviewing this morning.

A chap called Crabtree came in last week for an interview, dressed like you. He

begged that Sir Garnet hit the roof.

Oh, absolutely.

Nothing wrong with him, mind you. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying a word

against him. Straight as a die.

Lovely wife.

Seven beautiful daughters. The trouble is, you see, with interviews, he has

thing about he must have a frock. Everyone must wear a frock. He was just

same in Tobruk.

Well, nobody told me. No, it's a great final, wasn't it? Great final. You don't

think I came here like this, dressed like this for my health, do you?

I had to come past the Royal College of Hairdressers on my way here.

Oh, it was absolute murder.

I've got a rose in my buttonhole. You want it in your teeth, old man. That's

where you want your rose. In your teeth.

I mean, it's perfectly simple. Either you dress according, or you just say

goodbye to 15 ,000 pounds, the key to the executive toilet, and all the

vouchers you can eat.

I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I've got a few items here.

I don't know whether they're any good.

I always carry a few spares, you know.

They're not much, but they're the end of the poke in the eye with a burn stick,

aren't they?

Well,

it's very, very kind of you, but I mean...

Well, I haven't done this since... Since where?

Well, since school, really. Yes, I was the best Juliet they'd had, you know.

Well, since Christopher Lee, that was.

No, no, I'll try that.

Oh, that's fair.

There we are. Yes, there. There we are.

Well, of course, don't let me force you into this, old chap. I mean, it's no

skin off my nose. Oh, no, no, I'm very grateful, honestly.

Are you? Man to man, really. Right.

How do I look? Oh, lovely, wonderful.

Keep your knees together, no one will ever notice.

I'm rather nervous myself, you know. I think I'll just go and pay a call.

It's damn difficult in this dress, I can tell you.

Now then, Mr.

Waterton, are you ready?

Yes. Oh, sorry, just a tick.

You're quite sure you're ready? Yes, absolutely. Oh, sorry.

Next, please, come along.

Good luck, Mr. Waterton. Thank you.

Oh, dear.

Mr. Waterton.

Oh, Mr.

Heskett. Yes.

I'm after Waterton. Not that I think you've been there very long.

He seems to be under the impression that Sir Garnet Hammond likes people in

dresses. Oh, no, it's not Sir Garnet today. It's the new chairman, Rear

Fortescue Drake.

sidewater than like the cut of your chin.

Who's this damn pervert? Throw him out for God's sake.

Greetings all strength to your bundlings and may your furgling be ever fruitful.

here before you brandishing my regalia.

Well, the BBC have allowed me tonight to speak in favour of my cause, which is

home rule for right slip.

I happen to be high wizard.

My name is MacDonald and I am the chief burger.

Now, free right slip extends from the running waters of Slashby -de -la -Zooch

here in the west all the way across to the better part of Stonebridge Park.

Now, it's bordered on the north by Pinner -on -the -Hill, originally called

Pinner's -the -Wall, and...

by Hatch End, formerly known as Drake's Bottom.

Just like Cornwall and Wales, we want independence, and it is our declared aim

next year to welcome His Royal Highness Prince Andrew, or failing that, Roddy

Llewellyn, to our ancient land, there to be invested

Lord High Regent of Ryslip by his sublime effluence, the Archgrove of

Failing that, we shall have Esther Ransom, because her initials are already

the pillar boxes.

Now, my first duty as Chief Burger of Reislip will be to sound the two frugal

horns which summon Parliament or Long Thing.

Now, with this one... With

this one, you get the attention of all three men

and quite a few dachshunds.

While with this one... You usually

get a rupture.

The long thing will establish the frontiers of Rightflip. However, if

come asking for any sort of political asylum, we shall, of course, continue to

direct them to the House of Commons.

We also intend to bring in a new currency law. Now, as soon as you reach

frontier, you will have to change all your pounds into yurks.

Now, there is a yurk.

There are 47 of these to the pound and 16 to the poppadom.

But the rate is very irregular due to the failure of the cenopod harvest.

How do we justify our stance, apart from blaming the failure of the Cinnapot

Harvest? Well, for 1 ,500 years, this priceless document aligned the floor

of the cow shed at Frolic's Frickenham.

It shows how Rightlip's history began with one Sveen Foulbreath.

who came on a single -handed Viking raid in 1735, or 735, as I should say, and

fell violently in love with the beauteous nymphomaniac Lady Agnes

Who, when her lover said pass, always replied, I've started, so I'll finish.

Here, you see, here their only son, Dagobah the Pointless, who, while

with the galliard with his page, Poofkin Lafay, trod on the foot of his Jester

Rumpo, who beat him to death with a cabbage on a stick, and declared himself

King Rumpo I.

Now, this genuine old nap cure is proof of Reislip's royal history. Up here, the

famous humpbacked mountebank, quirk in drawback, discovered a wart cure,

consisting of a hard -boiled egg and the nastier bits of a badger, and with it

cured the widow Rickman's wart, you see.

Yes, and to this day, the place is still called Watford.

This beautiful contraption here is a very chastity belt worn by Lady Humphrey

Gerard. Now, you see, we know it's a chastity belt because it has chas on the

back and the rest of the word on the front.

Curiously enough, she had 17 children while her husband was away on crusades.

Well, when he returned, of course, she fled with the awful cry, Gerard's cross.

In fact, I've often wondered how she managed to have 17 children. I've never

seen these things work before.

Oh.

Oh.

The hills are alive with the sound of music. I bet they were.

Over here, over here and round here and under there, the seventh king of Ryslip,

Osbert the Oversized, collected a thousand maidens for his harem and

named it the Hanging Gardens of Basildon.

But over here...

is the actual shield of Osbert the Oversized. On the left is a goose

a field of long grass, and over here, the back half of a coypew, as he was a

of a rat on the side.

The harem was taken over by his son, who became King Osbert the Overworked, and

eventually, by his very small brother, Osbert the Overlooked.

Here, too, are the sacred remains of St. Knott's Winder of Rayner's Lane,

miraculously preserved by a process known only to three traffic monks and

makers of British Rail Meat Pies.

In this box is one of his ears, and in this box is two of his ears.

Here, here, here. Well, then.

Well, there we have ample proof of Rightlip's royal past. Now, I would like

finish with the words of the Rightlip National Anthem, honoring as it does the

very first monarch, King Rumpo I.

There'll always be a Rightlip while there's a subway train.

Whenever... there are two yellow lines beside a blocked -up grave.

The deer will all be cheap lads. The women will be free if right slip means

much to you as rumpo means to me.

Candy, I call my sugar candy.

Because I'm sweet on candy.

And candy's sweet on me.

She understands me.

When I need sympathy You

wish that they were

forever

Just standing the day I take my game.

So you finally got here.

Told you I'd get here, didn't I?

Yeah, a lot of guys say that.

Don't always come.

You're scared of Mr.

Villanetti, see?

I ain't scared of Mr. Villanetti.

Everybody's scared of Mr. Villanetti, creep.

I ain't scared of him. I ain't scared of him. Yeah? That's what me thought.

Yeah? Yeah.

Well, maybe you're going to get the opportunity.

He's waiting for you right behind the door.

Looks like he's going to fill you full of lead this time, Joey.

I don't care what he does to me. I ain't scared of him.

Everybody's scared of him.

I ain't scared of him. You don't scare me.

Hey, Joe.

So you got here.

Good.

Hi there, Mr. Belletti. I came like you wanted.

Good. Good.

You ain't scared of me, are you, Joe?

No, I ain't scared of you, Mr. Villanetti.

Only I've been thinking, maybe I gotta fill you this time, Joe.

You don't have to fill me, Mr. Villanetti. I ain't scared of you. I

Good, good.

Come on, step into my room here a moment.

You don't have to fill me, Mr. Villanetti.

I ain't gonna hurt a bit.

Mon chéri, ça fait trop un jour que tu n 'es pas là.

Je te veux.

Je te désire passionnément. De tout mon cœur.

Merci.

Mais où est ton mari?

Il est parti pour toute la journée.

Heureusement.

Ah, c 'est bien.

Est -ce que je ne veux pas que cet énorme port nous surprenne?

Monsieur, mon amour, m 'aimes -tu vraiment?

Sure que je t 'aime avec chaque partie de mon être.

Do so.

Pardonnez -moi.

Pardonnez, pardonnez.

Si jamais je t 'attrape encore avec ma femme, je te promets de t 'étrangler de

mes propres mains, tu comprends? Je ne veux plus jamais voir ton visage.

Thank you.

But if I do, it will surely change.

Thank you.

Dankeschön. Jawohl.

Now, tonight, by the way, how many of you noticed that just then? I slipped in

little bit of German there.

No, I didn't do that just to impress you. I was actually for the benefit of

new au pair girl who started doing a bit of work for us this weekend at home.

She's just come over. It's true. She's just come over to learn the language,

she's doing very well. This morning she said to me, I hope you'll be forgiving

me my extremely bad language, but I'm afraid my grandma still needs touching

Fascinating. She's fascinating to listen to. Now, anyway, on Tuesday, I'll tell

you. On Tuesday last week, I decided to have an early night.

And I was sitting in bed with the Radio Times, browsing through the adverts, you

know, for ex -Ren naval officers, WX bloomers.

And admiring a photo of Patrick Moore and wondering what it must be like to

your suit on with a shovel.

When suddenly...

au pair girl entered she didn't walk in she glided into the room my own fault

really silly place to leave the skateboard then all at once she sat on

she put her arm round me I said how dare you I am a man of integrity I am

happily married and I am British I said I must warn you if you are not out of

this bedroom by half past seven tomorrow morning whereupon she left now

tonight's story

Tonight's story was actually handed down to me by my dear old grandfather the

other night as he was clearing out our attic.

I suppose, really, I should have gone up myself, but with my height, climbing a

ladder can be a bit of an ordeal.

I mean, the last time I pitched camp for the night on the fourth rung, I ran out

of supplies.

Now, besides which, my grandfather, in spite of his age, is a remarkably fit

man. 92, and still doing all the things he was doing when he was 21.

You know, you can imagine my shock the other night when I peeped through the

crack in his bedroom door and I saw two sets of false teeth in his glass.

The next day he was walking around with another notch in his walking stick.

Anyway, this joke was

contained in an old scrapbook he came across in the attic.

It was a scrapbook, actually, of all the ecstatic, rave reviews of my past

performances. I let go of it at one point and it nearly floated out the

Looking through it brought back lots of happy memories because I had some very

strange jobs back in the old days.

I joined a travelling sideshow with the fattest man in the world.

A bit tragic, actually. His tummy came right out to here.

In the end, he died of curiosity.

Now, I must get on with this joke, because let's be honest, I'm feeling a

bit groggy tonight. I had a tooth out earlier on in the week. It started

on Wednesday night as I was watching the late -night film, you know, about Ivan

the Terrible, and his wife, Blodgrim, the extremely disappointed.

It was still plaguing me this morning at rehearsal, so I thought, it's no use,

I'll have to have it out. So I went along to the BBC emergency dental

there. No appointment necessary. You just go up to one of the scene boys and

tell him to get a move on, and that's the end of it.

So, on with the joke, which concerns these two rugby players who are both

spending the summer holidays at Scarborough for a bit.

And one day...

One day, for a bit of a thrill, they decide to go to the local fairground.

they get there, one of the rugby players turns to the other one. He said,

Rodney, he said.

Rodney Love.

Actually, when I say there were rugby players, that was a bit of an

exaggeration. There weren't. Really rugby players. I just put that in to try

win back a few of the Welsh viewers who switched off after the line about Ivan

the Terrible. Anyway.

He said, Rodney, dear heart. He said, Rodney.

He said, how do you fancy a go on the Big Dipper? And the other one said,

not a Big Dipper. He said, because he happened to speak exactly the same as

friend, the Strapsey. He said, that's not a Big Dipper. He said, that's a

wheel. Anyway, he said, much more of this and I can wave goodbye to my free

seats for the generation game. Anyway, he said.

He said,

you can go.

But it looks far too dangerous for me.

So off he goes, and, oh, sorry, I nearly got stuck there. Off he goes.

Off the first one goes on his own to one of those big, huge fairground wheels.

He pays his money, and the wheel slowly starts spinning round. As it goes, it

gets faster and faster until suddenly the chap loses his grip completely and

he's thrown right off the wheel into the air and lands on the ground below.

Walks straight away. Everybody rushes round him, and his friend who's been

watching is in horror, pushing his way through the crowd, comes across this

prostrate body lying there. He says, Terry, Terry.

He said, are you hurt?

The friend lifted himself on one elbow and said, well, of course I'm hurt,

James. I went round three times, you never waved once.

You will find we're noted for our fabulous physique

We do our best to keep performance at a peak.

To tone me up and keep me bright, I like a workout twice a night. And as for me,

I get it once a week.

If you work you up and give you zest, you'll find that exercise is best. It

really puts hairs on my uncle's chest. And it did the same for your auntie. To

help our uncle beauty grow, we'll bend our back and touch our toes. It's

certainly giving your cheeks a glow. And my face is rosier too.

Working with the dumbbells. Ladies, please beware.

Many a thing can befall you when you wave them in.

But not if you just get a rather large butt and an arm like a

chimpanzee.

Colonel Chumley watching us put the shot.

Send.

I thought he might pop the question, but instead he made a

suggestion. So I mentioned with grace an alternative place that Colonel

could put the shot.

I once knew a fellow with muscles who'd lift the best part of a

tongue. He was picking up weights for a living.

petition, he attempted to pick up a bus.

There were tears in his eyes as he took first prize seven quid and a second

hand truss.

Working with skittles you need the knack to practice for a spell.

Elizabeth got in the Indian club because of a Mr. Patel.

And often the skittles as well.

People ask us for advice.

How to keep the figure nice. And we've got a splendid scheme to help you slim.

You can shed that surplus fat. Just get flat upon the mat.

And have an hour or two of good old Jim.

Jim, Jim, Jim will give you gusto.

Jim, Jim, Jim will make you kick.

And the minutes as they fly will put a twinkle in your eye. When an hour or two

of Jim has done the trick.

I'm on a diet. I'd rather be having a fit on the quiet. I'm trying to diet.

I'm dying to try it. It's impossible this afternoon.

My cheeks are like apples. I'm rather a cutie. My spring like a peach and my

pear is a beauty.

I'm rich and I'm ripe and remarkably fruity. You're either a plum or a prune.

What can the matter be? Fellas don't follow me, chat up or flatter me. I'm

a gal with a fatter anatomy since I've been having me chips.

I'm fond of potatoes, I'm terribly naughty.

Me nighties are widey instead of a shorty. I'm flirty and 30.

I thought you were 40. That's only my bust and my hips.

We once had a thing about Rosemary Clooney whose finger was slender in

a loony in places that made us feel teeny and puny. We really could do with

notion or two. I found a solution while I was out shopping and added some

padding to pop in my coffee. Now I'm Miss Pop and I'm Miss Wapping and if

ashamed, you know what to do. Out the white legs astride when we leave the

class. That's the way the jolly old drill gets done.

Never mind the weather.

Never mind the weather.

You can't keep your knees, knees together.

Arms are wide, legs are shy, bouncing on the grass.

That's the way we often have lots of fun.

And that's the form of a backflip. We can make it back to backflip.

Hooray, hooray, we're doing it in the sun.

Well, that's all we have about time for tonight. Here are a few items of late

news.

Tonight's big theatrical award, most promising actress of the year, went to

Deirdre Wallop.

However, she was disqualified after it was discovered that she'd promised

everybody on the jury.

And a man who thinks he's an American town was getting worse last night in the

London Clinic. He has now worked himself up into a state.

There was a huge and colourful firework display at Buckingham Palace tonight

after Princess Anne stubbed her toe.

Next week we'll be talking to an impoverished ex -member of the KGB,

Gollum, who's trying to make ends meet by taking in brainwashing.

And we'll meet the embarrassed Scotsman who muddled up a bag of flour and a bag

of starch.

and finished up with a very stiff haggis and a self -raising kilt.

Until then, it's good night from me. It's good night from him.

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