Original subtitles

Good evening. It's wonderful to be back with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? It

certainly is. And in a packed program tonight, we shall be hearing about the

Japanese businessman who lost a fortune in the wholesale trade, gave it all up,

and committed cash and carry.

But first, the news.

Harold Trott, British Rail's longest -serving porter, retired last week. At a

simple ceremony on Platform 1, a colleague said a few words, after which

stationmaster handed over a beautiful set of matching luggage, and Harold

replied in the traditional manner. He asked him what he thought the bloody

trolleys were for.

The Streetwalkers' Union has decided, after all, to call off its strike.

Said a spokeswoman, we shall be working flat out over the weekend as usual.

Bad news from Borneo about the third division team which fell into the hands

cannibals. When rescuers arrived, the tribe had eaten all 11 players and were

warming up the substitute.

Recaptured on a 47 bus today was Aubrey Skinner, the man who broke out of jail

on Monday after spending 35 years inside.

He gave himself away by standing up for a lady.

Charlie Girosi, best known as Bimbo the Clown, took his mini back to the makers

today because one of the doors wouldn't fall off.

And finally, at British Leyland, a go -slow was started today.

Mr Callaghan congratulated them on this tremendous improvement.

which follows entitled The James Boys.

James Mason will play a mason, James Fox will play a fox, and James Burke

appears as himself.

Here,

Norman. Yes, sir. Good evening. Same as usual, please. Good evening.

Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

Now, it's probably my brother you're thinking of. This happens a lot. A lot

people think. Well, can I buy you a drink? Sorry. Oh, thank you. Gin and

please. Is your brother very like you? Yes, he is, in fact. You'll be hearing

him. In fact, to be honest, we are identical twins. Yes.

Oh, here he comes now.

You two are identical twins?

Yes, that's right. Yes, yes.

Well, don't look so surprised.

You must have seen identical twins before.

One could tell you apart.

Oh, you're so clever, aren't you? Yes, very good. You spotted it, didn't you?

you look very closely, you can see that my eyes are slightly lighter than his.

It's true.

They're just a shade darker. You see that? Not many people spot that, you

Very good. You're a very clever girl.

What do you mean, clever girl?

You're not remotely alike, let alone identical.

There you are, gents. Your usual.

Wrong again, Norman. You mixed them up again.

They've been coming in here every day for the past ten years, and I still

tell them apart.

But they're not a bit alike.

One of them's, well, to be honest, a bit fat and flabby. I'm sorry, I am not.

Please, come on.

I'm sorry, I've been taking off a bit of weight. I've been trying to lose some.

No, not you. There you are. You see, even you can't tell the difference.

Of course I can.

Cheers, by the way. Cheers.

Look.

Tell me your names. I'm George. And you're? George. What?

You see, even the vicar couldn't tell us apart.

Hello, darling. Sorry, I'm late. Oh, hello. Are you all right? Yes, that's

husband over there, actually.

Sorry.

Will I ever love you? No, I enjoy it. I enjoy it.

You see, I think I've kissed her more times than he has.

That's why I never got married and never had to.

we had a night out on the town together and you didn't realise.

Is it the usual, my dear? Gin and tonic, gin and tonic. Yes, there are

advantages to being identical twins, you know. One gets a toothache, the other

one goes to the dentist.

Go on, pull the other one. Yeah, that's what the dentist does, he pulls the

other one.

Do you remember that time I was done for dangerous driving and I'd had eight

pints, so you took the breathalyser?

And I'd had, you know... Yes, we got two months in jail, you know. Didn't mind,

we did alternate weeks.

I say, well, it is very handy with clothes.

You know, one of us goes to the tailor's and both of us can wear the suit. Not

at the same time, because that would look ridiculous.

It would look ridiculous anyway. You couldn't wear each other's clothes. Do

know, as a matter of actual fact, these new jackets I think we are wearing.

Look, yes, there you are. See, it's George. This is yours.

Oh, God, is this yours? It is, it is. There we are. Goodness me. We'll just

change our office. Yes.

I don't know how that happened. Never mind. Here we are.

That's yours. Yes, get these in.

That's it.

That's better. There we are.

It'd feel a bit strange in some places. Yes, well, Jimmy does that sometimes,

doesn't he?

He's a bit inclined to do that. Yes, well, of course, it's a sort of... I

it's a mid -European thing.

Oh, yes, that's right.

Thank you. There we are.

Excellent. Oh, that's much better. You can see it, doesn't it? It fits like a

glove. But they don't fit at all. Everyone can see they don't. Of course

do. Hello, George. Hello.

New jacket, eh? Yes. Nice. Aren't they nice? He's George as well. Yes,

yes, actually, we have been kidding along.

We're not identical twins at all, really, are we? No, no. We're triplets.

Thank

you

very much. May I have your sign?

Thank you.

I'm sorry to barge in like this without actually booking. You know, I know the

management object.

But I just thought I'd dodge in and generally merge in with the company.

nobody would notice.

That's quite all right, sir.

Can I get you a drink, sir?

That would be very nice. Have a gin, yes, naturally, sir. What would you like

with it, a tonic, sir? How do you know I was going to have a gin?

With your subconscious, sir. You've mentioned it already three times since

you've come in, sir. Have I really? Yes, you said dodge in, barge in and merge

in.

Yes, I always know what... people want, you know. It's exactly the same with

food. People behave like what they eat. You know, sir, yes. I always know by

what they say what they're going to order.

How interesting.

I don't know about these sort of things, but I'd hazard a guess you're talking

absolute cod throw, old chap. No, not at all, sir. No, no, no. Pure,

unadulterated cabbage water.

Waiter! What about this fellow? Now, what would his favourite dish be? Would

get me some cigarettes from the bar?

Where? From the bar.

It's late.

Got to make a move.

Make a what, sir? A move.

When you want to move, you want to move.

Beef.

What about that chap over there?

Cry. Cry, cry, cry.

Cry. Cry, cry.

Duck.

Oh, yes, all that.

Listen to her over there.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear, dear, dear.

Venison.

I just went off for the weekend and stuffed everything into the back of the

banger.

Sausages.

I wish I could, but I daren't.

I'm too scared of her.

Terrified. I just daren't.

What about him?

He's chicken.

Oh, yeah. I have lived most of my life in Hamburg.

I love Hamburg.

It is my home.

I suppose he's a hamburger?

No, sir, no.

Bert Stroganoff.

But he didn't mention birth strong enough. I know, he's got it all down the

front of his tag.

I mean, she was absolutely wonderful.

I mean, she had great big round, you know, and that low -cut dress, well,

made them all, you know. I mean, she really had wonderful, you know,

I'm going to set a little test to you. I'm going to say something. I'm going to

ask you to guess what I'm going to have to eat.

I must go down to the sea again, to the lonely sea and sky.

And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by.

And don't say fish and chips.

No, sir, you're going to start off with a nice chicken liver patty, sir. You're

going to have a lamb chop with cauliflower, new potatoes, trifle, cream

coffee. Well, how did you know that? That's all we've got left.

Ladies and gentlemen.

The Manhattan Transfer.

I love Java, sweet and high.

Whoops me tomorrow, I'm a coffee pie.

Shoot me the pot and I'll pour me a shot.

Oh, let me slug that wonderful mug and I...

Cut a wood till I'm snug in a jug.

A slice of onion and a raw one.

Raw one.

Wait a way to percolate. I love coffee. I love tea.

I love the java jive and it loves me.

Cause me and tea and the java and me.

Talk it, boy.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Yes, you see, so Sid's off work again with his leg.

What leg is that, dear? Second leg of a dance match.

He's all tensed up and erotic over it, you know.

Well, he suffers from his nerves, you see. Well, we all suffer from that,

What, dear? Sid's nerves.

George is very erotic at the moment.

Flies. What, buttons come off?

No, flies off the handle.

These little things, dear. Oh, does it, yeah. Of course, with Sid, it could be

the strain of the new job, you see. When did that start?

Next Monday.

It is, dear, isn't it? Surely the shock. Shock of it all, dear. Shock does very

funny things to people, you know. All trembling and all that. Yes. Did you

in the paper about that man who had a terrible shock?

His hair went all bright salmon pink.

What, with the shock?

No, a pot of paint fell on his head.

George gave me a shock the other day. Oh.

What, did he come up behind you again?

No. Gave me a present.

Anniversary. Oh. Did you manage to get out of it?

No, as a matter of fact, he was just reminding me, because he's got a

coming up shortly. Oh, has he? Sid gave me a wonderful present once. Could have

been worth hundreds.

What was it?

Raffle ticket.

So what's George going to give you, then, love?

A new ball cock.

That's very nice of him, isn't it?

Well, of course, it's not just really for me, you know. It'd be for him as

because we both share that kind of thing. Yes.

What's the matter with this old one?

Well, it never did work, dear. Not properly, you know.

noise when he pulled it.

I'll come back for that myself.

Because it shakes the whole street, you know.

You can set your clock, my old George, you know.

Ten past eight every morning, regular as clockwork. Always was, dear.

Yeah.

Sid's going to give me a new low -level suite, you know.

I've often thought, dear, that soap of yours could do with reeves.

Cut the cap, make it nice and soft and easy to touch. No, no, no, no, no. Now,

I'm going to have a new low -level sweet in the loo, dear.

Oh. Yeah, the lavatory.

He says I can have it if I'm good.

Good at what?

Just good, dear, just good.

You know, obliging.

Oh, there he goes again.

You know, that sounds like his old one still.

When's he going to put the new one, then?

Well, as soon as he gets the new lock, dear, on the new lav door.

Oh, why?

Was he done wrong with it, then? Oh, dear, does everything wrong?

He's got a Yale lock on back to front. Oh, that's daft, isn't it?

You could shut yourself in.

Yes.

Are you going to give him the key, then?

For his birthday, dear. Oh, when's that?

Week on Friday.

Spirit of the Ouija board, are you with me?

Sorry if the glass is a bit sticky. He'd had an egg flipping it last night.

Spirit of the Ouija board, are you with me?

Well, are you with a Woolwich?

If there is a spirit in the room, give me a sign.

What is your name?

It's me.

Sid? What, little Sid from next door?

Yeah.

Oh, dear, what a shame.

Oh, how long you been there, Sid?

Well, I've only just arrived, haven't I?

Oh, that's terrible, that's terrible. I can't believe it, Sidney.

Listen, does little know yet?

Yeah, I've just left in the bedroom.

Well, at least you went the way you always hoped you would, Sid.

What's it like there?

Horrible and manky, it was like.

Are you upstairs or down below?

I'm outside the door, George.

Can I come in? Oh, God, Larry, come on in.

What are you doing?

I'm doing Ouija.

Boy, is you speaking to Eve, Sammy? What's... Eve? She's not in here. I

be sitting here with the lights out if Eve was in here, would I? Makes it all

unnecessary. I'm not dark, am I? What are you doing?

Preparing a plug or something, a fuse?

No, no, no. I got this Ouija board, you see, from the tally man last week. Yeah.

And I'm trying to communicate with the dead.

Oh, I see. Yeah. Well, I'm not going to be a lot of help to you, am I? I've got

a job communicating to what's -name Libby, haven't I?

You never know. You might be a natural receptacle, might you?

I mean, a lot of people are very sceptic about all this, but I know a bit about

the supernational, you see, because I once studied to be an average.

An average what?

Just an average, you know, someone who communicates with the departed.

You mean a medium?

I mean, some's medium and some's average, isn't it?

What I'm trying to say... I used to study at the Spiritualist Night School,

see. We used to stare into these crystal balls and that, but, well, I'll give it

up. What, you couldn't see any future in it? Nah.

You see, they didn't take it serious. They all used to finish up playing

with the tarot cards and all that, you know.

Who are you trying to talk to, then, when you're doing all that? I was

to Ede.

Ede? Where is she, then?

She's somewhere across the Vale.

What, across her sister's Maida Vale, you mean? What do you mean? No, no, no.

Across that misty twilight world where the soul is transported on its final

journey. She doesn't usually go to Tesco until Saturday morning, does she?

What, you mean she's dead, you mean?

Worse than that.

What's worse than dead?

She has disappeared completely off the face of the earth. She was in this room

saying goodbye to me at eight o 'clock this morning. All she had to do was go

down to the cellar, get her basket on wheels, then down the high street

shopping. That was nine hours ago.

Oh, that's a bit strange, isn't it?

Yeah, it is, isn't it? It is strange. Have you ever... Have you ever heard of

the Bermondsey Triangle?

What, you mean that strange circle from which people disappeared?

Men have been seen walking down Bermondsey High Street one minute, and

second minute...

Good. Listen, I tell you what, that's got worse since that massage parlour

opened and all.

He, you see, may be just another sadistic in this ever -deepening

She may not have even reached the cellar.

Nor she did.

What? No, this morning I was returning that camera to you, what I borrowed for

the coronation. Yeah? I came past that cellar door, it was open, and I locked

it. Oh, good, thank you. Here, listen, put them lights out. Yeah. I'm going to

try and communicate with her this time. Come on.

Here, put your finger on there. Yeah, that's it.

Right, yeah.

Ede, can you hear me, Ede?

No.

Listen, Ede, this is what I want to know.

Where have you hid the holiday money? It's no good to you now, is it?

If I didn't know you better, I'd say that noise was coming from his teller.

Now, I've narrowed it down to two possibilities, Sid.

Either... Some alien spaceship in search of a human specimen has spotted her in

Tesco's.

It has beamed her up now to some distant galaxy.

Or she has been shanghaied from the shopping precinct by a gang of white

slavers. And is even now in the clutches of an Arab prince who is treating her

like a mere plaything.

Or I've locked her in a cellar.

Come to think of it, she did lock me in the toilet this morning, fair's fair.

Listen, were you being what she considered a trifle forward?

No, I wasn't. I was merely erecting her anniversary.

I reckon we ought to let her out as soon as possible. Yeah, certainly. But not

before you have spent a couple of hours furthering our search for spirits.

What, up the spirits in his school?

No, down the park. Come on.

Perfectly normal and a perfectly healthy girl. I don't want you to worry about

it at all. However, just to make sure you're perfectly happy with the

I'll give you something to take away with you.

I'll get you to take this once a week.

It's a check for £25.

Oh, dear, you do dress quickly.

Well, I think I'll start seeing the patients now. Would you like to bring in

first one, please? Yes, thank you, Doctor. Not at all, dear.

Read, sir.

Oh, I see.

Read by name and be rude by nature, it would appear.

I beg your pardon?

Are you showing your dissatisfaction with the health service, by the way? You

can take your hands down now, you've made your point. No, that's just the

trouble, Doctor. You see, I can't take them down, they're stuck.

What's the matter?

They're stuck with, er, with Wonder Glue.

Wonder Glue?

It's like Wonder Glue 1, it's called.

I was just using it, you see, and I went to scratch my finger with this thumb

here, you see, and it stuck.

Stuck to my nose. And then I went to try and pull my hand off with this one, and

it stuck to the other hand like that. It's wonderful stuff, you know. It

in a second.

Goodness me. Oh, dear.

It is good, isn't it? Yeah.

Do you suppose it dissolves in water? No, I'm afraid it doesn't. I've tried

that. Oh, it's just the thing I need for my tropical fish tank, then.

Today was going to be slightly advantageous. I'll make a wee note of

not very advantageous for me, though, is it?

But it's not serious, is it? Well, you haven't heard the whole story yet, have

you? No, I haven't. I put a tube up in my trouser pocket.

And the top come off.

You don't mean it's... Oh, no, no, nothing like that. No, no, no.

You just...

It just spread all round the house, you see, and it's affected the whole family.

I've got them all here.

Well, you'd better bring them all in. Let me have a wee look at them. Yes, I

will. Malcolm, come on in.

Malcolm.

This is my youngest Malcolm. He was just doing his whistling bird impressions at

the time.

This is my eldest here, Kevin.

He was just getting washed to go out.

And this is Sandra, my daughter and her fiancée.

I say, this will get a lot of laughs down at the cottage hospital.

I know.

It's not us so much, it's the wife I'm worried about.

Woman -in -law.

Tonight,

by way of a change, I'd like to open by dipping, you know, into the mountain

of...

which has arrived, to be honest, following last week's joke. You know,

selection from the vast sacks of posts and telegrams of congratulations that

have been flooding in all week long.

And, let's be honest, I've had one letter.

No,

why should I lie to you? I won't try to hide the fact that I never get very many

fan letters.

As a matter of fact, I get so little mail, my letterbox is healed up.

As a matter of fact... The last time anybody had anything good to say about

was a couple of series ago. The drama critic of the Times Literary Supplement

who said, I was pushing back the barriers of comedy and reaching new

areas of humor.

I think the actual wording was Ronnie Corbett's Getting Beyond a Joke.

It was the same thing. All of which makes it so exciting that I've received

letter at all. Only this morning, haven't I?

Even had time to open it or read it myself. I just hope it's something nice.

Here we are. Dear Ronnie, just a note to thank you for the endless amusement you

have always given me.

Last Saturday was the funniest yet. I still haven't stopped laughing.

My husband will be away this weekend, too, so if you would like...

Aren't you tonight?

Answer to tonight's joke is that now I had a bit of a last minute panic over

this joke, actually, because what happened was I went up to the canteen at

lunchtime. It was all a bit quiet up there because they were just holding a

for the trifle.

As usual, the place was pretty deserted.

Now, I'll be honest, the BBC canteen has seen better days. It's terrible. I

mean, these days they're having to resort to cheap gimmicks to drum up

You can imagine our reaction last week when they announced they were going

completely topless.

Hooray, we said. No more crusts on the pies.

Actually, I was going to open a restaurant with topless waitresses

but I was put off by the enormous overheads.

Then, of course, there was the canteen's other recent gimmick, three

curries for the price of one, so you got a good run for your money.

But they had no takers either. Anyway, I went in.

I went in, and as I entered, I noticed over at the corner table our producer.

accidentally sobered up at that moment, he came over and he fixed me through the

old double -glazed eyes and he said, what rave from the grave are you

to thrill us with tonight?

I said, well, if it's all right with you, I'm going to do the one about the

whose bedroom catches fire and the insurance company refused to pay up

they maintained that he actually came home that night as pickled as a

In fact, his blood sample taken the next day had a head on it.

And they're convinced he went to bed still smoking a cigarette and started

fire himself.

Well, the fellow said, in the first place, I was stone cold sober when I

home. And in the second place, the bed was already on fire when I got into it.

Now, unfortunately, unfortunately, our producer didn't care for that one much.

To be honest, I don't think he understood it. So I said, I said, I'd

find another one. And I did what I always do. I got on to my agents, Son

Goldberg.

They're quite good, but they know nothing about billing.

I asked them if they'd got any ideas. Now, I've been with them a long time. In

fact, you know, they actually got me my first job in the business back in 1952.

I was offered a very key part in the Hunchback of Notre Dame and stuffed up

back of Charles Lawrence Jackson.

Anyway, the story which my agent told me is this chap, you see, who is very

interested in the subject of psychic phenomena.

You know, the kind of thing that when you, one day you suddenly hear from a

person who died over 20 years ago.

A bit like second -class mail.

It happens to me.

He happens to hear, this chap, that up in Scotland there's an old man who is

actually a psychic expert and can read people's minds and teach them to see

the future. So off he goes to the Scottish Highlands.

And actually, it's rather nice that all this happens in the Scottish Highlands,

because at least if you don't find the joke funny, you can admire the scenery.

Anyway, this chap calls around to the house of this weirdo with the psychic

powers. You see, and he knocks on the door, which is opened by a rather

dressed buxom maid.

And he said, excuse me, but I understand the gentleman. who lives here possesses

incredible gifts of clairvoyance, can read people's minds, see far into the

future, and generally is able to foresee everything that is about to happen in

the entire world. She said, yes, that's perfectly correct. Is he expecting you?

To cut a long story not quite so short, he goes in and he meets this wizened

little man who says to him, okay, he says, he said, for 500 pounds, he says,

will teach you everything I know about telepathy, and then you'll be able, God

knows where he came from.

then you'll be able to read people's minds as well as I can. So the old man

takes him outside into the garden. He opens the tool shed and brings out a

garden hosepipe, which he fixes onto the tap. Well, this all seems a bit

strange. The man said, look, I'm sorry, I thought you were going to teach me all

about telepathy.

The old man says, look, he said, trust me, he said, I know what I'm doing. He

said, just you take hold of the other end of this hosepipe. He said, hold it

to your eye.

I've got a feeling he's from somewhere near Arbroath, myself.

He says, hold it up to your eye, he says, and have a good look down inside

The fellow says, well, what's all this got to do with mind reading and teaching

me how to see into the future? The man says, please, he says, do as I say. So

holds the hose up to his eye like that, and he stands there squinting down into

the hose. Of course, the old man immediately rushes round the corner and

the tap on. Right in the fellow's eye, and the fellow's drenched to the skin.

Well, he hurls the hose back down. He rushes over to the old man. He says, you

know, he says, I knew damn well you were going to do that. The old man says,

there you are. You seem all halfway there.

We make the party go. We really got a lot of rhythm in our beats.

We got a mean guitar. We got a cha -cha -cha. We got a number with a rumber kind

of beat.

I'm here to send back truth. There's lots and lots of booze and quite a lot

send a bottle for the band.

So when we've had a beer with all the people here, you'll find the music's not

the only thing that's kind.

The daughter of a local coffee vendor.

She had a very massive patienda.

Although it's hard to get a redhead or brunette for two pesetas, you can date a

little blonde.

We like a best to play on our feast today because a lot of senior leaders

lot. They like a music fine, they like a lots of wine. They like a little

firecracker in the dark.

I met a senior leader called Rufita.

I figured it was bigger and complete.

By her sofa she installed a fucking meet.

She charged her for a cuddle and a kiss.

Or a cozy kiss and cuddle if you can beat her. You can fiddle, you can

you can cheat her.

But your others have their teeth and popping pennies in a meet and so have

It's payday today. OK, it's payday today. I say it's payday today.

Hooray, it's payday today.

Peanuts.

Peanuts. All the bubble at the double time I do. In my pocket when the

government is moving up.

Fox man's going to drain me dry.

P -A -Y -E and then N -I.

I'm working hard and thought I'd make a mint. So very hard I ought to make a

mint. But every payday I'm still runny skin.

Hooray!

Hooray! Hooray!

Hooray! Hooray!

It happened in Monterrey a long time ago.

My grandma, she lived in

Madrid.

She danced with a rose in her tea.

People agree you really should see my grandma.

78 and swinging her great fandango.

And Gran got run in by police.

Well, folks love to see her fantastic mantia. Her show had

them all underneath.

Hey!

My uncle Don Fernando, he got married.

My uncle's 84 if he's a day.

My auntie's 17, she wants a family, so uncle got the lodger in to stay.

My auntie went along with that arrangement, and very soon my auntie

bell. Now my uncle feels okay, cause auntie's in the family way, and the

lodger's in the family way as well.

Telephone, it's not on STD, to make a call.

Your annual, you see, is telegram, and drunk call he'll arrange.

because he is our operator, Manuel Exchange.

I'm very smart in a poncho.

I'm very smart in a mack.

I like a fringe round the bottom.

And I like a belt round the back.

He thinks that he knows everything.

He holds up a ring with a pistol.

I hold up his trousers with ring.

Play the bongo, play the bongo, aye, aye, aye.

I'll get a ring, don't call me Pongo.

Wish I knew the reason why.

I had a nice little donkey.

I fed it on nettles and grass.

One day my donkey went wonky.

And now I can't sit on my ass.

People will bake in a chattel, with a candle in the room and a prattle, but we

never did the Lord Tattle, because I'm keeping it under my hat.

A girl that I knew come to Weyla, she had an affair with a sailor, and now

as big as our Weyla, but she's keeping it under her hat.

My cousin, he came to the Presco, depicting a popular sport, and the wall

the back of a Tesco, and now he's appearing in court.

Said women were driving him crackers.

And that's how he lost his maracas.

And he's keeping them under his hat.

Rosita and Pepe and Bella declare I'm a hell of a fella.

But I'm not a killer and teller.

I'm keeping it under my hat.

I tell them my terrible yarn.

I'm a 70s tall Casanova. And a port with 11 .1.

With a deal that demands a passion.

With a better thing than satisfaction.

And what is our biggest attraction?

We're keeping it under our hat.

We're keeping it under our hat.

Thank you.

Thank you. That's just about all we've got time for tonight. But before we go,

few late items of news.

The Irish team have pulled out of the round -the -world Grand Prix motor race.

When asked why, they replied that they'd only hired the van for the week.

Further developments tonight in the case of the Hyde Park flasher, the man who

jumped out in front of Lady Jogger stark naked.

eyewitnesses have helped police put together an identikit picture of his

but are still not sure of his whereabouts.

Elspeth Bond, Lady Librarian of the Year, has at last had her baby. It was a

month overdue and was signed 48P.

In Dublin tonight, Seamus O 'Rourke... gave himself up after tunnelling out of

jail. He told mystified police officers that he was only practising for the big

breakout at the end of the month.

Traffic news. A juggernaut carrying treacle has overturned on the M4.

Drivers are asked to stick to the inside lane.

And mad scientists have cropped Danny LaRue with Spotty the Incontinent Dog

got a surprise package on Mother Kelly's doorstep.

And finally, at London Airport today, MPs returning from holidays all over the

world waved their souvenirs at a waiting crowd.

Mr. David Steele arrived from China and held up some China.

Mr. Foote arrived from Turkey and held up a turkey.

Mr. Callaghan arrived from Thailand and held up some Thais. And Mrs. Thatcher

arrived from Nicaragua and held up the traffic.

We'll be back with you again next week. Until then, it's goodnight from me. And

it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.

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