Original subtitles

Good evening.

It's wonderful to be back with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, indeed it

And in a packed programme tonight, we were to have met Elasto, the India

man, but unfortunately this afternoon he slid down the banisters and erased

himself.

And later in the show, we will be having a live link -up with Britain's rudest

doctor, direct from his Harley Street insulting rooms.

But first, the news. Hamilton Breakspear, the heavyweight boxer who's

knocked out in every fight in his career, was admitted to hospital today

suffering from a cauliflower bottom.

And news tonight that the army junior leader's expedition to Borneo has

a sad depletion of numbers.

Cannibals have already had three hard -boiled sergeants, two half -baked

corporals and a raw recruit.

The anonymous pools winner who fainted at the news of his giant win and fell

into a vat of plaster of Paris is today said to be set for life.

Colonel Bill Lomax, the world's greatest elephant tracker, was buried today. In

future, he's decided not to follow so close behind the elephant.

And finally, Andy McGowan, the sailor whose family kept a light burning for

in the window for 30 years, returned home to Perth today to one of the

electricity bills ever seen.

And now a sketch about a hiking holiday in the Lake District in which I go with

a girl who works in Bristol and has a large pair of boots.

And I go with a girl who works in boots.

And has a large map of the area.

You and your friends want to get in the council house. You have to have all the

details, you see. Oh, yes. Otherwise, you'll get... There's five of you at the

moment living in the one -bed seat? Oh, yes, there are. There are two.

Only we get a lot of people in here, you know, with fictitious names and funny

occupations. You've got to be ever so careful.

Oh, yes, yes. Well, I've got them all down here, you see. All right, then.

have all their full names then. Who is the first then?

Junior. Junior.

He's the youngest, is he? No, no, that's his name, Junior.

Oh, yes. Well, what's his first name?

Tammy, well, Tammy.

Tammy Junior, yes. Is that his full name? No, no, he's got a middle name.

David.

Sammy Davis, Jr.? What, Sammy Davis, Jr. wants a council house?

Well, a flat will do.

Tell me, what's he like?

Oh, he's a very tall blonde bloke with black hair.

Doesn't tap dance, does he? No, no, no, no, no, no. He wouldn't be any trouble.

Stuart.

Surname?

How do you mean?

Surname, you know, like, you know, Granger. Stuart Granger, for example.

yes, that's it, yes, yes.

Guess what? That's his name, yes.

What, you're telling me his name's Stuart Granger? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

not a film star, no. No, he's just playing Stuart.

Oh, yeah, Rob Stuart.

Now, see, what's his occupation?

Singer. Ah, singer.

Sewing machines. He repairs them.

Next. Taylor.

Taylor.

First name?

George. Oh, it's a nice easy one this time, isn't it? George Taylor.

No, no, no, no. His name's not Taylor. He is a Taylor.

Oh.

All right. He's a Taylor and his name is George. Yes. George what?

Gershwin.

George Gershwin. That's right, yes.

Taylor.

Next. Howard.

Howard. Yes.

What's this going to be?

Frankie or Trevor or something else? No, no, no, no, no, no. Just Howard.

Howard. Howard Hughes.

You're telling me that's his real name? No, no, that's not his real name.

Well, why does he call himself Howard Hughes? Well, he wants people to think

he's rich, you see. Oh, I see. What is his real name? Getty. Paul Getty.

Don't tell me his occupation is oil.

Yes, it is. Yes, he drives a tanker.

Any more?

Only me.

My name is Irish, so I'd better spell it. All right. It's F -I -N -A -T -R -A.

That's pronounced Sinatra.

I know how to pronounce Sinatra, don't I? You see, I suppose your first name

begins with F, does it? Yes, it does, yes, it does, yes. Fred.

Fred Sinatra. Now, I'm very proud of that name, you know, because that is

of a very famous film star's name, that is. Oh, you don't say. I wonder who that

could be. Fred Astaire.

Fred Sinatra. Yes, all right, I see that. All right, Mr. Sinatra, we'll let

know as soon as a counterhouse becomes available. Oh, thanks very much. Who

should I contact, should there be any queries?

Me. Oh, what's your name? Hope.

Hope? Oh, Bob?

No.

Yes?

Give up. That's it. Give up, Hope? Yes, that's it.

My name is Hector Walnut Plates, but you can call me Sir Hector Walnut.

I often lose my place.

In fact, you can call me Sir Hector, as I've just had a sir -hectomy.

And I've lost my remaining walnut.

Now, I represent the Council of Knowledge, Enterprise and Universal

COCUP.

Now, what is COCUP for? Well, we exist to plan things. Our job is to approach

everyday objects and institutions that are working perfectly well.

and completely redesign them.

This keeps millions of otherwise useless people in a job, and you, the public,

benefit.

Here, for example, over here, is our new experimental traffic system for London.

Now, Oxford Street here, Oxford Street will be one way northwards, Downing

Street will be one way southwards, and Upping Street will be two ways

Heathrow will become Rottenrow, which should cause quite a stink.

However, that will be dealt with when Gatwick becomes Airwick.

mean, of course, that all air traffic will be tremendously well stacked.

Speaking of tremendously well stacked, here is a tourist map of my secretary,

Miss Wanda Knightley, showing the main points of interest.

She only knows one way southwards and 64 ways east to west.

Well, back to the drawing board.

Ah, back to the drawing board. That's 65 ways. I'd forgotten that one.

have decided that we get more efficiency if we link up certain pairs of

institutions. For instance, Guy's Hospital will join up with the Dolls

to form Guys and Dolls.

Kensington Evening Institute will join Mincing Lane for an after -eight mince.

And St Thomas's will join St John the Divine to make a divine John Thomas.

Now, we haven't reorganised the counties for at least a year, so we're going to

have another crack at them.

Now then, for instance, this...

I'm

sorry, I've been rather overworking lately.

Now, Yorkshire... Yorkshire... Yorkshire will join Cornwall to form Corkshire

and Yornwall.

join Dorset to make Dented Corset.

And finally, Flint and Bucks will get together to make one county called

Naturally Blint.

Well, I hear you say that's all very little and large, but what are we chaps

Coker going to do about architecture? Well, let me unveil some of our latest

plans. Now, we've had a lot of complaints about tower blocks.

People say they'd rather live in cottages, so here's our solution.

The ten -storey cottage.

Here's the privy in the garden.

And this.

The only trouble is you have to stand on the seat to pull the chain.

We also aim to make buildings fit in with their location. Here, for example,

the new sandwich town hall.

And here is the leak post office.

Oh, and here we have park.

Only part. I'm afraid of the Hampton Court, the AT office.

Unfortunately, we're not allowed to show you the rest of it.

No, no, it doesn't end there. It doesn't end there. Nothing is too small for our

attention. We are going to redesign all the familiar everyday objects.

Now, here, for instance, is our new unbreakable glass. Look at that.

We're now working on the unbreakable hammer.

of imaginative design.

Now, look at this revolutionary hair, this revolutionary telephone and carafe.

There you are. Ah, excuse me.

Hello?

Yes? Oh, I see, Wanda. Yes, thank you very much. Yes, that was Wanda, my

secretary, reminding me it's time to take my tablet. Yes.

On second thoughts, I'll take it later after I've had my leak.

Now, our boffins never rest.

from the task of improving your lives.

Now, over here, you will see a nice little beauty here. This is the very

word in mousetraps. Now, it costs less than £5 ,000 and consists of an

electronic field detector here and an ultra -sensitive photometer here and a

high -voltage laser gun there, you see. So the mouse comes in through this

little hole here and goes through there and under there and finds the bait,

which is a tiny piece of British rail pork pie, which, of course, it eats.

it dies, so you don't need the laser gun.

Unfortunately, the hole for the mouse is rather too small, but we are working on

that. We are redesigning the mouse.

That's what it's going to look like.

Sorry,

that's the mouse dropping.

There it is. If you have any suggestions, do call in anywhere you see

You can't miss it. It's 100 feet high. That's right. It's an almighty coke -up.

Good night.

The Manhattan Transfer.

On a little street in Singapore

With me beside a lotus

covered door A veil

of moonlight on a lovely face

How pale the hands that held me in

embrace

My sails tonight are filled with perfume of shalom.

With temple bells that guide me to the shore.

And then I hold you in my arms and love the way I love

before.

On a little street in Singapore.

Thank you.

This week's special offer is our own friend's butter, 48 pence per pound.

Yes, it is. I was just going over this grating near the ghost train when

suddenly my dress blew up.

What, exploded?

No, actually not exploded. No, the draft blew me straight right over my head.

Oh, that must have been very frightening.

Well, I think it was.

Nearly scared the pants off me.

Well, I thought I might be recognised.

Who would recognise you to hear your dress over your head?

Except that's a Coleman.

I wonder where it come from.

Oh, it got in the sale.

No, no, not the dressing.

Oh, the drama. They always have that sort of thing at fun fairs, don't they?

It's supposed to add to the jollity, isn't it? You ought to take George

Mark came going.

Wish this queue would get going, dear. It's awfully slow. It's more than

tedious. I'm very worried, you know, dear, about George's liver.

Oh, dear. Has he been up the doctors with it?

No, it's in the oven.

Let George go, dear, in bed.

Same old trouble.

Laziness. No, his stomach, dear.

Somebody told him you can die of indigestion. Oh, dear.

I bet that put the wind up him.

I'll keep him well out of the way until he blows over.

Go on, we're going. Oh, yes.

I wonder if we're in the right queue. You know what we ought to have done,

Yes, brought sandwiches.

No, we ought to have got George and Sid to do the shopping for us, dear. Yes,

why can't they be like other men? Why can't they be that nice man like that,

look, with a beard? Look at him. He was clean -shaven when he came in.

You know... What Sid said to me one day when I asked him to do a little bit of

shopping. Do you know what he said to me?

Aerosols. Well, you're very close.

No, dear, I've got to get an aerosol for George Payne, you know, something.

Oh, have you? Oh, yes. You sound a bit off -centre, dear.

No, not off -centre. He's just messing about with the legs of the cyborg, you

know, touching them up and things. Oh, dear.

Sounds a bit off -centre to me.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear, I hope you're not going to be long here, dear. Why? I want to go

somewhere. Oh, do you? For your holidays. What are you thinking of this

You're on the holidays, dear. Now, I want to be the lady. Is there a place

Oh. Oh, well, there's the commissar. Let's ask him.

Excuse me. Oh, that's good. Oh.

Is there a place in here, dear? Of course there is, madam.

On the fish counter.

Give me that. Can't boil you there.

No, we don't mean that. I mean, we want to be... Is there a ladies, do you know?

Oh, well, it's quite a queue, love.

How big is it?

Normal size, sixth one.

I hope you're giving paps off.

You've all found I'm going to spend a penny.

This queue, dear, where is it?

You're in it.

Oh, dear.

I don't even want to go.

Yeah, all right, then.

Oh, cool. Come in. What's the matter with you? Come in.

How are you, George?

Oh, I'm not so well.

I've got a whole limp of wobbly.

Yeah, Ede was telling me, yeah. Have you, uh... Have you seen my crash

George? Your crash helmet?

Yeah, I must have left it here when I came to visit you earlier on today.

Is that all you can think about, your crash helmet, when your poor old mate's

his last knockings? Well, that crash helmet... cost me ten pounds, didn't it?

You know that?

Oh, very worried, Sid. I mean, the doctor said it's only indigestion, but I

don't believe that. I believe it's more than that. I've got pains.

Burning pains all across me chest and belly.

Well, maybe it's worms.

Worms? Not too loud.

A lot of fishermen live round here.

Is this what the doctors give you, then? Yeah.

Oh, must be good. It tastes horrible.

That's because you're supposed to rub it on.

It says there, look, it says there external, doesn't it? That is Latin for

outside, that is.

You've seen it in the pictures, haven't you, up behind the jets there?

Yeah, yeah.

It's got quite a nice aftertaste, as a matter of fact. Has it?

I'll rub some on for you. What you probably could do with, you know, a bit

rest, that's what you could probably do. Yeah, yeah. I wish I had a job, but I

could have gone sick.

Listen, what's these marks there?

They're birthmarks.

Look like beer stains to me.

Of course they are, they're birthmarks.

Well, how long have you had them then? Since I was born, you twit.

Right, here, they're coming off.

Are they?

Here, that's an omen, that is. That's the body's way of telling you it's all

over, that is.

I reckon you've got the same as that Alf Pierce had, you know, all that weak and

burning, what's -his -name, wobbly thing, you know. Really? Who's Alf

Alf Pierce, down the pub.

With a dog.

Stuttered.

Dog stuttered?

No, Alf Pierce stuttered, didn't he? Only when he talked like, you know.

You must remember, you chipped in with his funeral fund, didn't you?

Yeah, I did.

Funeral?

Did he die then?

Well, I hope so. We got him in a nice reef and everything.

What's the matter? Are you taking a turn for the worse, George? Yes, this is it,

isn't it?

It's the end of the road for me, this is.

I should never come out of this bed.

Listen, I don't want to hear you talk like that. There's nothing wrong with

You're fit as a fiddle. You're strong as a proverbial watch name ox. You are.

Now, listen, I'll see you later. I'm off down the road.

Where are you going, then? I'm going to put my black suit in the cleaners. Oh,

go bloody... Oh, here's my... Here's my... Here's my crash helmet down here.

Oh, that's what it is. I thought I'd never seen one.

I thought it was a new idea to have straps on them like that.

There's a bottle of beer on your side of the bed.

What's that doing there?

Well, at the moment, it's lying inside, pouring into your slippers. Oh, my.

My one last little luxury, that's all.

Here, I'll tell you something, Sid. See that coat hanging on the door? Yeah.

That's yours.

No, it's yours. No.

I mean, when I'm taken from you, I would like you to have it.

Oh, no, I couldn't do that. Oh, go on, go on. That would make me very happy. Go

on now, let's see you. Let's see you try it out. Go on, try it on.

You can't half smell the quality, can't you, eh?

I'm from Savile Road, that is.

Savile Road, you mean? No, no, Savile Road, Brixton.

Yeah, it's perfect, look at that, yeah.

No, I think it's a bit in the roomy side, ain't it, George? A little bit.

I suppose it is. I can't understand that, because it was supposed to be made

measure, you know.

Yeah, but this is probably measured in inches. I'm centigrade now.

Here,

I've got one request of you, Sidney.

When I go, I want to go in a Rolls Royce. Yeah.

I ain't never been in a Rolls Royce. No, well, nor have I been in a Rolls Royce,

George. Well, there we are. You see, that'll be the first time for both of

won't it?

And the last time for one of us. Oh.

I tell you what, when poor old Ralph Pearce was put down, he only had a kind

station wagon kind of thing. Yeah.

When he went, was it quick?

Oh, no, I only travelled about five miles an hour.

And when he passed by on the other side, I mean, was he quick? Did he suffer at

all? Oh, no, he was here one minute, gone the next.

I mean, he was down in High Street, stepped off the pavement, ambulance came

round the corner, bosh, that was it, all over.

Ambulance? Yeah, it's been a lot, really, being knocked down by an

Oh, blimey, you've been sitting here watching me die, haven't you? What's the

matter? Take that coat off for a start.

You're feeling better, then? Of course I'm feeling better. Now I know he didn't

die of a stomach pain.

Oh, it didn't die of stomach pain. The stomach pain says years ago and it works

out then. Six pints of brown ale, he was right as rain.

Where are you off to then? I'm down at the pub to get me medicine. Come in. Oh,

yeah, all right. Come on.

Rupert Baird?

Yes, that's correct. That's me.

I wonder, could I have a word? I'm from the BBC.

I'm on the team of Nationwide. The story is up there. Although your name is

Rupert Baird, you're really Rupert Baird.

Well, there we are. My secret's out. I'm glad for all our sakes. Come, let's sit

down. The weather's fine. We'll have some tea and cake.

my mummy's name was Bear, she could have called me Freddy.

She didn't want a girl or boy. She was hoping for a teddy.

So while she was expecting me, her darling little Bruin, she just sat

Rupert's books and drinking Mother's Ruin.

I see. So when you came along, she didn't think it funny to bring you up as

Rupert Bear. By no means past the honey.

She dressed me in a yellow scarf and trousers with big checks. She taught me

to speak in rhyme and not to mention sex.

When we played Soldiers on the Lawn, instead of Colonel Bogey, Teddy Bear's

Picnic was our tune. You ask my brother, Yogi.

A brother? Oh, I didn't know.

Oh, yes, in fact, I've two.

One's hardly out of nappies. And what do you call him? Pooh.

My sister's 20, and she's become more civilized, you'll find.

I see. A sort of girl in front, but with a bear behind.

Her name is Sheba, and she wears a fur coat, sleek and black. And when she

she has been known to break a fellow's back.

But what of you? Do you ever dream of a life more rich and fruity? Of lying on

some bearskin rug with some young bearskin beauty?

Oh, no, I'm a good boy, and I do what Mummy says I should.

I eat my greens, and I avoid the fairies in the wood.

Tell me, Rupert, do you have a special sort of mother to bring you up this way?

Why, no, she's just like any other, but like all mummies and their kids, she's

proud as proud can be. Come, let's go inside and meet her, if you've finished

your tea.

Oh, here she comes. I've had my tea and got a nice full tummy. This man's from

Nationwide, and he's had all the honey, mummy.

The joke I'm about to tell you tonight, I can say with complete confidence, is

rather priceless.

Now, I can say that, you know, because we had it valued by Arthur Negus just

before we came on.

He put it in early 16th century and possibly one of a pair.

The other one is Bernard Manning's act.

No, that's not true.

No, it's not true. I'll be honest.

This joke was actually told to me just after lunch today by our producer.

as he's being carried down from the bar.

Incidentally, I'm not going to, I'm making a little rule for myself, I'm not

going to make any unkind remarks about our producer's drinking anymore.

Because I don't think you should mock a man's religion.

And he's rather a sad history in his family.

He's had family troubles through drinking.

I mean, his father, for example, used to suffer from an awful lot of hangovers,

and he was put on a course of Alka -Seltzer tablets for six years.

12 tablets every day for six years.

One day he jumped into the bath and dissolved.

Now, having been told this joke at somewhat short notice, I haven't

time to try it out yet on the camera crew. It's a BBC rule that before you're

allowed to do a story on television, you have to tell it to the cameraman first

of all, you see.

And if one of them laughs, you have to go away and clean it up.

It's like being back at school, really, all the rules and regulations, you know.

Anyway, this story tonight is a little football story, actually, so it's rather

nice because it'll appeal to soccer enthusiasts and Fulham supporters alike.

It concerns.

It concerns.

It's a little bit too near Shepard's Bush for that joke, I thought.

Oh, sorry, excuse me if I seem a little... I'm moving uneasy on this

tonight, but...

I'm a bit frightened that it might give way under the weight because, well, I've

had this, you may have noticed, I've had this for 50 shows now and the legs are

starting to crack around the back here. And I decided it was time, you know, for

a new chair. So I went up to see the BBC's head of comedy.

Well, they call him the head of comedy, actually. It's a man who sits behind a

desk all day long with a false nose on.

Once a month, he calls all the top producers into his office, you know.

watch his bow tie spin round.

A little morale booster, I suppose.

So anyway, I went to see him the other day, and he said to me, he said, Archie?

He said, Archie?

No, I forgot to tell you, he still thinks, you know, I'm Archie Andrews.

It's a little white lie I had to tell him after last year's Christmas party.

And he caught me sitting on his secretary's knee with a hand up the back

shirt. He said, if you want a new chair, you have to put in a claim to the

director general.

So I did what he said. I wrote to the director general about the chair being

cracked. And the following day, he sent me a tube of glue together with a memo

which reads, it says, from the DJ.

That's what they call the director general. He likes to call himself that,

DJ.

Dear Mr. Corbett, he said, read your complaint about the cracked chair.

Please contact our props department, and they will tell you where to stick it.

Now, I thought that was pretty generous under the circumstances.

And as I say, this story... I shan't linger on that very long.

Careful where I put the glue.

As I say, this story is about...

It's about football, and it takes place in the jungle, which is rather

interesting. There's a bunch of insects, and a few of the friends have

challenged the elephants to a game of football. And naturally, everyone has

along to watch. You know, the local cannibals are all sitting there on the

touchline, eating their portions of Kentucky Fried Missionary.

And the gorillas are all lumbering around with the scarves tied to their

and out come the...

Out come the elephants and the insects, and the match begins. Now, it's a little

bit of a dirty game, to be honest, because after only 20 minutes, the

have been booked for fouling three players.

Two spectators and 75 % of the pitch.

And the insects, they just can't, the insects just can't find the form. Well,

they've all been out the night before sampling the local talent, chatting up

loose cockroaches and having a naughty time at the Beehive of Ill Repute where

they got stung for ten quid a time.

They can't. Well, I'm sorry. They can't get it together at all. By half -time,

the elephants are leading 146 -0. At the start of the second half, the insects

make a substitution.

They take off rather a slow snail at left wing and put on a centipede.

Well, the match begins again, and after a few minutes, the insects are awarded a

free kick. The elephants are all standing there, bunched together, you

a wall with the trunks between their legs.

The centipede takes the kick, slices them all right through into the back of

net. Well, from then on, the tide completely turns.

The centipede just keeps scoring and scoring and scoring. All the other

go wild. They're cheering, clapping their mandibles together and wiping

teeth.

Eventually, the final whistle will go, and the insects are won by 630 goals to

141. Afterwards, in the changing room, the elephant's captain comes over to the

blue bottle, who's the captain of the insects, and he says, What I can't

understand is why you didn't play the centipede on the left wing in the first

half. The blue bottle said, Well, you see, as a matter of fact, it takes him

whole of the first half to get his boots on.

Bringing in the hardest, bringing in the cheese, bringing in the barley to the

mill.

Oh, the bats are in the belfry and the woodworm in the eaves. It's harvest time

I've had up on the hill.

The vestry's full of veggies and his pants is in the pews. There's lots and

of pippins getting pipped.

And old Dr. Digby's dealing with a rather nasty bruise where the curate

his collies in the crib.

There's lots of lovely tourists who come from far and wide. Quite old English

hamlets fit the bill.

We've led them under which wood and rooked them on the side. We've done them

down and had them on the hill.

We've done them down and had them on the hill.

it's the season for birds and the bees and the verger for heathen eccentric old

sort removing his braces he rumps through the daisies with daisies in

where daisies don't alter In summer it's hot and the verge is forgotten to

keep his canonicals out of the sun. The heat makes him dozy and wrinkled

and rosy. He'll shrivel his posy before he gets done.

autumn is russet the verdure does cuss it he's under his gusset while casting

his clouts the winds in the autumn lowly drown to short him but where the frost

caught him it's withered his sprouts it's chilly and freezes until he

observes that his finger is cold as his thumb he's hiding his hat sucks and lags

in his castle but still he gets icicles all round he's numb

and

our harvest supper there's beer for the choir there's tea for the vicar and rum

for the squire the squirey fell over while carrying a pie when I cried that's

our supper she said so I'm

Knee -a -clackers she's dropped in the lot.

One night in the belfry she got rather hot.

And astounded the vicar by peeling the lot.

He's very short -sighted, he's old Parson Brown.

At christening he holds all the babes upside down.

And he gave one a kiss, he declared it's got rather... A grin on its face and

it's just like its father.

Harvest home, harvest home, at St.

John's without its harvest home.

The bestie boy is decked with corn and...

Vicar's wife has been and gone and made us look at Charlie.

She's pinned some barley on her coats and tied a weed. She browned our

Very soon we'll get our oats. Hurrah, hurrah, the harvest.

Miss Jackson's homemade cowslip wine. It states upon the labels.

It's vintage 1949.

It takes the paint off tables.

Mother Fielder's got a rare display of apples over there. But you should see

daughter's pear.

Hurrah, hurrah.

is Mr. Keys, a man of many troubles.

There's water in his pipes and he's forever blowing bubbles.

His bellows, they are real antiques. His pump is full of squirts and squeaks. He

sits among the peas and leeks.

He sat down fast and squashed his grape. Hurrah!

He sat down fast and squashed his grape. Hurrah!

¶¶ A fellow called Stanley who's not very manly is going to be Queen of the

A fellow called Stanley who's not very manly is going to be Queen of the May.

And every time we make the hay and we hold a village fate, there's homemade

tarts and hoots and darts and guess young Phyllis's weight.

Young Phyllis's weight was eight stone eight in February, March and May. Now

she's ten stone three and it's plain to see that she's been making hay. Yes,

she's been making hay.

She's been making hay.

Thank you.

Well, thank you very much. That's really all we have time for tonight, but

here's a few items of late news.

Yes, a clergyman in Cardiff today announced his intention of driving

prostitution underground, which is very bad news for the man in the street, but

very good news for the miners.

And we've just had news that the director of the meteorological office

resigned. His rheumatism had started to disagree with his seaweed.

The entire staff of Pickford's packed the Albert Hall last night.

Later, they all got drunk and gift -wrapped Nelson's column.

Finally, there's a shock conclusion in today's report published by the Irish

government's think tank.

They've decided they're wasting their time.

In next week's programme, we'll be meeting the lucky man who bought his

-loving girlfriend's selections from Shakespeare and got the complete works

return.

word with a gay gangster about his fairy godfather.

Finally, a police message.

Scotland Yard wished to trace a go -go girl named Fifi who had a heyday last

Day.

She pulled a voodoo on a zulu and she danced the can -can on a tom -tom

only a tutu with a pom -pom on her lulu.

She was last heard of having a bit of yo -ho on a lilo up the Orinoco.

Until next week, it's goodnight from me.

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