All language subtitles for The Two Ronnies s07e01.eng

Good evening. It's wonderful to be with
you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it

certainly is. And in a packed programme
tonight, I shall be interviewing the

scientists who have managed to produce a
pill in cream bun form.

It's so you can eat your cake and have
it.

Then I'll be having a few words on the
phone with the man who crossed an Irish

spinster with the potato marketing board
to get a woman who's grateful for small

Murphys.

But first, the news.

Earlier this evening at Wexford, the All
-Ireland Tree -Felling Championships

was won by tree -fellers from Dublin.

The go -slow of jockeys continues.

Last Monday's 3 .30 at Cheltenham has
just finished.

And the stewards have called for an oil
painting to decide the winner.

Officials at Hayward's Heath Zoo have
stepped up their search for a mate for

poor homesick Brutus, their lonely, sex
-starved elephant, after he was found

earlier today trying to board a Jumbo at
Gatwick.

The mystery of the chimney found in the
middle of the Sahara Desert was finally

explained last night. The Irish engineer
read the plans upside down.

It's meant to be a well.

An unfortunate fire at New Scotland Yard
today destroyed hundreds of criminal

records, including deck of cards by Max
Bygrave.

Finally, our political correspondent

tells us that a gay conservative has
been crossed with a very young liberal

give a fairy Tory with a nappy ending.

And now a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie
Corbett, who in his early days was an

artist's model, but had to give it up
because he had so little to show for it.

Ah, good evening.

Good evening.

Tickle your body with a feather tonight.

I beg your pardon?

As in particularly grotty weather
tonight. Oh, yes.

Rosalie, that sweater looks a little
risky. Pardon?

I say, I'd better have a little whiskey.
Oh, yes, of course.

I thought you said something about my
jumper. No, no, no, that's very nice.

Oh, thank you. Mustn't get hiccups or
they'll fall out. What did you say?

I just heard the cricket score. They're
all out.

Now, who's this silly arse with an ugly
daughter?

I beg your pardon?

I say, would you kindly pass the jug of
water?

Thanks awfully, you dozy fish face.

What? I say, thanks awfully cozy, this
place.

You don't mind my saying so. You seem to
be saying things other than what you

say you're saying, if you see what I
mean. Oh, well, that's a moustache, you

see. It tends to muffle my voice
somewhat. The wife likes it so.

shave it off and drown it in the sink.

Otherwise, you'd what? I'd shave it off.
I'm sounding indistinct.

Oh, of course.

You're a nice little girl, aren't you?

Do you drop them for a friend?

No.

I said, have you dropped in on your
friend?

Oh, no. He's my boss.

He's an accountant.

Oh, well, an accountant, yes.

My name is Collinson, by the way. I sell
long hooters to alligators.

You what? I sell computers and
calculators.

So this is your secretary, what? Yes,
yes. We're working late at the office.

Going back for a squeeze and a cuddle?
Yes, going back for VATs and a muddle.

Yes, she's, uh... As a matter of fact,
she is my new secretary. I had to sack

the last one.

Ah, she ignored your advances.

Yes, she was a bore at dances, yes.

I suppose this one's a right little
goer.

Yes, she does write a little slower, but
I don't worry at all.

I can see her sort, yes. She's one of
the mad with desire brigade.

Strange that you should realise that.
What?

Her dance with the fire brigade.

Come on, dear, we must be going. I want
to look up your skirt and down your

dress.

I want to look up Lord Burton's town
address.

I think that's somewhere in my drawers.

Oh, that sounds like an invitation.

If I were you, I'd lurch through those
drawers and get her back to the office.

Yes, I'll search through her drawers and
get her a bag of toffees.

Yes, but let's talk about you.

You'll never drown with those water
wings.

I beg your pardon? I say you ought to
wear brown with those sort of things.

It's not really your moustache. You're
actually saying those things, aren't

Well, just trying to drum up a bit of
trade, that's all.

What sort of trade? I sell deaf aids.

Pardon? Oh, good.

Morning. Yes? Do you sell beans?

Yes. Yes, I'd like a tin of beans,
please.

What sort would you like? Well, not
particular, really. Oh, you're not

particular, are you?

Can I tell you a little story, sir? When
I first took over this little shop, it

was a sort of general store, you know,
sold a bit of everything, you see. And

would have remained so to this day, had
not the first customer that crossed that

threshold. Asked me for a particular
type of beans which I didn't have in

Now, that taught me a lesson, that did,
you see, because I lost money over that

sale, didn't I? And I vowed then and
there that no -one would ever catch me

without a particular variety of bean in
stock.

I've got the lot here.

In fact, that's all I sell now, beans.

That's all I sell. I've got baked beans,
I've got boiled beans, I've got butter

beans, French beans, kidney beans.

I've got haricot beans, string beans,
soya beans, runner beans, lima beans,

green beans, black beans, brown beans,
chilli beans, curry beans, broad beans,

narrow beans, big beans, little beans,
fat beans, thick beans, flat beans.

I've got beans and sausage, beans and
pork, beans and meatballs, beans and

liver, beans and kidney, beans and
chicken, beans and frankfurter,

beef burger, steak burger, bacon burger,
cheeseburger, limb burger, silly

burger, ham, lamb, lamb.

dare to drag your carcass in here and
tell me you're not particular?

Well, sorry, I didn't realise.

Right. What sort of beans do you want?

Well, you say you do any sort of beans.
Try me.

Well, I have a tin of beans and frog.

Frog.

Common frog, tree frog, green frog,
brown frog, blue frog.

Common frog. One tin of beans with
common frog.

Anything else? Yes, I'll have a tin of
beans and dromedary. Beans with

dromedary, certainly.

There we are, one beans with dromedary.

There we are.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'll take that back. That's camel.

With dromedary.

Is that a lot then, sir? No, I'm going
to have a tin of beans with leg of South

Madagascan lesser -spotted pigeon -toed
orangutan.

Right, ladies. all their flakes?

Or would you rather have beans with big
toe of Paraguayan penguin?

Or would you rather have beans with
boiled giblets of Himalayan snowman? Oh,

knickers! Oh, eh, come here, come here.

Lay silk, cotton, French, or camel.

it has been decided that this is the
last Christmas to be spent in the Old

English Manor.

As from next year, due to an EEC
agreement, Christmas will become Euro

Christmas. We'll be linking hands across
the sea.

What will this mean? Well, it won't be
easy.

It will be a time of closed factories
and non -productivity when the tide of

new technological miracle is turned off
like an empty bucket.

To illustrate the problem, here is a
graph.

Here is another graph.

And here is the first graph upside down.

Here are some hands across the sea.

And here is an empty bucket.

And here is a picture of the Prime
Minister.

But things aren't as bad as that.

Now, what will... Thank you. Now, what
will your Christmas...

What will it be like? Well, of course,
you won't be allowed turkey, because

turkey isn't a member of the Common
Market.

have West Germany instead.

Roast West Germany with Brussels
sprouts.

Followed by European Christmas pudding
or Europe pudding. Who's a pudding?

Europe pudding.

Now, after your Christmas dinner, you
will all pull your European crackers.

Provided you finish with your pudding,
of course.

Now, here... Here

is the new seventh stage European
cracker.

The Italian stage has failed.

Now, here is next year's special
Eurojoke.

Who was that lady I saw you with last
night?

It wasn't my wife, it was my wife.

Jamaica? No, she's a departee of her own
accord.

My dachshund has no hooter.

have Christmas at once. Europe would be
a very vulnerable place if a hostile

power attacked it when everyone was
pulling their wishbones and wearing

three sizes too small and climbing down
chimneys stoned to the eyeballs.

So Christmas will be staggered. In
future, every day will be Christmas Day

somewhere. Very simply, it will work
like this. For people in Britain,

will start as normal in October.

France will have Christmas on March the
9th.

Denmark on April the 18th.

and Luxembourg due to computer error on
August the 86th.

Wales will have its Christmas
amalgamated with the Jewish New Year.

And, of course, we shall continue to
ignore Scotland.

Now, if all that sounds complicated,
here is an easy guide.

of Christmases in 1981.

This is due to a statistical freak who
works in the office here.

And Germany won't have a Christmas until
1998.

Served you right, you silly old crow
-tits.

Now, if you wish to visit other areas
during their Christmas period, a permit

will have to be obtained from the
stationery office. This is designed to

people with caravans having Christmas
all the year round.

Thirdly and lastly, here is the European
gift -wrapping paper, you see,

Europaper. Now, you must do up your
presents in this or you'll be shot.

It shows an Italian waiter stuffing a
French onion into a Danish pastry

by Princess Grace of Monaco.

And on the back, it's the other way
round.

Not the old Danish pastry, right?

And, of course, special stamps will be
issued retaining the spirit of Christmas

with the Queen's head in one corner and
the Parson's nose in the other.

about wraps it up. Or if it doesn't, of
course, you'll have to use two pieces.

Now, don't forget, in Europe, they are
one hour ahead of us. So you will have

go to bed an hour earlier and sleep on
the right.

This means you will have an extra hour
in bed to do whatever you normally do.

Only for longer.

And sooner.

So if you haven't started yet, get on
with it. Good night.

And you say she had triplets, Ed, and
she wasn't even married?

That's right.

She didn't even know who the fathers
are.

Oh.

I bet she's calling them some names.

She is, yes.

Mavis, Mick, Mandy, I think.

You know what, I put it all down to, of
course, I put it all down to this

women's lib and pomography, you know.

Well, if it wasn't for women's lib, we
wouldn't be out here tonight enjoying

ourselves, would we, eh?

I'd be home, you know, chained up as
usual.

Oh, is that what gets George going, is
it?

No, dear, chained up in the sink, you
know, spilling away all them tea leaves.

Oh, I see, yes. Sid prefers a bag, you
know. He's got this thing about grouts.

Careful, dear. I think the governor's
wife's one. Careful what he's saying.

What, a bag? She is, she is.

No, dear, a kraut. No, no, not a kraut,
dear. A grout. What's the matter with

you? Someone been putting alcohol in
your gin and orange?

You know, I shall never forget the first
time Sid turned me on. No.

On the seafront when we met, you know,
he was this sailor with a big bag of

prawns.

You know what they do to you, don't you?
What, sailors, dear? What did he do to

you? No, sailors, dear.

Prawns, prawns. Oh, yes. They are a sort
of disiac, you know.

Disiac? Yes.

Afro, you mean, dear? No, not afro. It's
a hairstyle, isn't it, afro?

No, it's all black and frizzy. No, dear,
they've got pink whiskers. No, black

frizzy hair, love, they've got. Prawns,
dear, have got pink whiskers.

is he was trying to stuff me with them.

Trying to lower your resistance, was he?

What he was trying to lower, love.

I'll tell you something, it didn't make
me fond, it just simply made me maudlin,

you know.

Yes, I've always kind of liked him,
funnily enough. I was only thinking

him today to read the paperback.

Who? Reggie Maudlin.

That's Sid, not politics.

Oh, sorry.

I often wonder where Sid's politics are.

Same place as George's, I presume.

Now, what I mean is, what I really mean
is, you know, is he more comfortable to

the left or the right?

I mean, you've got to have your
commitment somewhere, dear.

You've got to be in something.

When he's wearing his tight jeans, I can
see there's something he's definitely

in. What's that?

Agony.

Nice pub, this, isn't it? It is nice.
Yeah.

Could do a little scrubbing brush here
and there. Oh, the governor's going to

get someone to come and clean it, yeah.

We ought to have an outing here every
week, you know. That's what I say we're

going to, because two blokes in the
public bar have recommended that the

governor has us every Friday night.

Oh, do you think we ought to go as far
as that?

Has us as what, dear?

Scrubbers, dear. Cut the scrubbers.

Do we know these two fellas? I don't
know. They're in the public bar at the

moment. I just have a peek.

Do we know them? Oh, my God. Do we know
them? I should think we do.

Well, who are they, then? George and
Sid. Oh, dear, dear, dear.

George, you're a pretty knowledgeable
chap, aren't you?

Yes, yes.

Yeah? Well, do you think you ought to
take any notice of rumours?

Pardon me?

Well... Fell over at the bar and he just
said to me, he said to me, your wife's

after anything in trousers.

What does he mean? She's a pickpocket or
what?

Oh, no.

Oh, no. He said it with kind of what's
-her -name, you know, a wink. You know

what I mean? Oh, did he? Yeah.

Oh, well, see, that's different, isn't
it? Yeah.

Yeah, what, how do you feel about your
little one?

Well, my little, well, she's different,
isn't she? She's different. Yeah, well,

yeah, she's bigger, isn't she, for a
start? Yeah.

No, no. I mean, you'd never... She's no
raving beauty or anything. You'd never

get her on page three.

No. You wouldn't get her on page three
and page four put together, would you?

No,

she's not as bad as all that. No, no,
don't get me wrong. But what I mean to

is, where women is concerned, and
particularly with my age, you see, I've

been that much of a... Well, I've never
really fancied... You know, I've never

really actually been a... I mean, I've
never... You know what I mean, don't

Whereas you always have, ain't you?

Well, no, no more than kind of... What
do you mean, no more than kind of? Well,

no more than normal, you know. I mean,
more than you, but no more than normal.

When you was on your honeymoon, you used
to have your nightcap with your

afternoon tea, didn't you?

Come on, me and Lil didn't go up every
night early, did we? Be honest, eh?

Very often we'd stay, well, maybe till
even the end of The Archers, you know.

That's what I'm talking about. You see,
well, because I am not so much as...

As others. As others, you see. I have
the opportunity to stand back and view

women from a distance, you see, as it
were. Because I... I mean, you see,

they're not like us, you know. They are
not like us. They're not like human

beings at all. They are a completely
different species.

Different species, because they... They
have these... They have these places,

don't they?

Places? Yeah, you know. You've heard of
the erosive zones, haven't you?

Well, I've seen pictures of them on
holiday brochures.

No, no, no.

Erosive zones, that is the medical term
for a place that a woman's got, you see,

where if you touch it, she goes mad.

Well, you and Lil's got one of them.

Yeah, a purse.

I'll give you a for instance, look.
Yeah? Look, yesterday evening, well, it

last night, about three o 'clock this
morning, actually.

Edie woke me up, see?

Thought I heard a bit of a noise, yeah.
Yeah. Do you know what she wanted me to

do? She wanted me to nibble her ear.

Ear? What, ear in the pub, you mean? Her
ear,

her ear. A lug hole ear. A lug hole.

See, that is one of her erosive zones,
her lug hole. Yeah.

That's why she keeps having them
fantasies about that bloke who came to

up with a deaf aid.

Well, listen, if all she wants you to do
is nibble her ear, why does all that

noise and commotion carry on
commotionally? Well, that was me. See,

going to the bathroom to get my false
teeth to nibble it with.

But, you see, if women have got more
erosive zones than what they're entitled

to, you see, then they could get out of
control. They could become a rump of

maniacs.

Really? Yes.

Really? So you think there might be
something in this? Well, I think it's

grounds for divorce.

Really? Yeah.

Well, you'd know more about that,
wouldn't you? I mean, because you're

knowledgeable about the law and all
that, aren't you?

Because you used to clean them windows
at solicitors, didn't you?

I mean, me, I don't know a lot about
that legal word and the terminology and

that. Now, the other day, for example, I
was reading a newspaper about a divorce

case, you see?

Yeah. Now, tell you what, in this paper,
they described a woman as his estranged

wife. Oh, yeah. Now, what does that
mean? She bar me? Yeah, yeah, that's

Yeah, she's a loony, so he's outing her,
giving her big eats. Ah, yeah. Now,

later on in the same article, he said
that the marriage was non -consumated.

Now, what's that mean? Well, that is
Latin, that is. That's Latin for rotten

cook.

See, she's a rotten cook, so he can't
eat the meals, so they remain non

-consumated, you see.

On the sideboard, like. Ah, right. So
not only is she balmy, but she can't

That is it in a nutcase, yes.

You see, I think you could divorce your
Leo on them grants.

What, because she was barmy, because she
couldn't cook?

Well, both, be honest. Yeah.

I mean, I don't know why you married
her.

Well, I had to, didn't I?

She got me into trouble, I had to do
that.

Got you into trouble?

Yeah.

You shouldn't let her mess you about in
the first place. It wasn't in the first

place, it was the second place.

Where was that?

Round our place.

You coming, then? Where are we going?
Round my place.

All right.

Listen, but you'll have to do something
about it, Cindy, won't you, eh?

Otherwise, you'll soon become the
laughingstock, won't you, eh? People

start pointing things at you in the
street, won't they?

Eventually, you'll be getting them
unanimous letters.

Why?

Why, he said.

Your wife's after any of your trousers.
No, he's talking about you, isn't he?

Oh, well, you're all right, eh?

awfully well.

Yes,

I always know where he is when he's
batting, darling.

After a minute, I'm trifled nervous, you
know, the fact that you live so near

the ground.

But he's out there in the middle, 35,
not out, and in wonderful form.

Aren't I in wonderful form, darling?

Of course you are, darling.

Oh, lovely shot.

Beautiful. He's very strong off his leg.

Aren't I very strong off my legs,
darling?

Of course you are.

Let's enjoy ourselves.

He's well on his way to a hundred.

Oh, and he's folded, he's folded. Oh, my
God.

Good heavens, I'd better be off quick.

Oh, but he won't be back for five
minutes.

I know, but I'm in next.

One morning when the sun was high, there
was a big red melon in a big blue sky,

but the wind in the east was blowing up
kind of cold.

I looked at my watch. It was still on
its chain. I could see where the time

going to rain. I thought it was just a
day to search for McCleary's gold.

There was a guy who I've heard tell who
could ride a horse. He could ride it

well, but he couldn't shoot a gun to
save his doggone life.

He took a pot shot at the sheriff and
missed. By all accounts, he was a little

bit drunk, so they strung him up and got
a widow out of his wife.

Now he's hidden his gold in a little old
shack beyond the creek near the

railroad track, and his widow, Betty
Jane, she lived there still.

I knocked on the door, and she let me
in. We sat in the parlor, and we drank

pink gin, and we drank till the sun went
down behind the hill.

Now Betty Jane was a woman and a half,
and she liked to love, and she liked to

laugh, and she giggled and groped around
like a lovesick kid.

She dragged me off to her boudoir room,
and I caught a McCleary in his tomb, and

a shiver shot through my shirt tail, so
it did.

I ain't gonna say what went on that
night, but I quit the shack in the early

light, and I staggered out like a
wrestler leaving the ring.

Now, I can handle myself in a fight, but
she floored me 15 times that night when

I was so damn drunk I didn't feel a
thing.

And I realized as I sat in the cold, I'd
found romance, but I'd found no gold,

and I'd come out just as poor as I'd
gone in.

It was just as well, because behind the
tree, a beady eye was glued on me, a no

-good gambling man called Mickey Finn.

Now Mickey would be chasing Betty Jane
and our little romance would cause him

pain. You could tell by the way he
ground his teeth in his back.

And the way he stiffened and went all
tense and banged his head in a nearby

fence. Crossed his eyes and danced in
his steps and hat.

Now Mick was mean and Mick was flicked
and nobody wanted a medal with Mick in

spite of the fact that he's only five
foot three.

When he draws his gun, you take my tip,
you run, because when he fires, he fires

from the hip, which means he almost hits
you in the knee.

I stack it at my feet and back indoors
where Betty Jane lay in her vest and

drawers while Mickey let loose with
everything he'd got.

He was shooting crazy and throwing
rocks. I jumped for cover like a blue

fox, and from then on, things began
getting kind of hot.

Now, I ain't a guy to stick out my neck,
they can call me coward, but what the

heck. If you don't surrender, you end up
dead. Brave.

I decided if the gold was there, then
Mitch and Finley could have my share, so

started looking around for something
white.

Wave.

I rushed to the other side of the room,
and I stuck the drawers up on a broom,

and I waved them out of the window for
Mitch to see.

Jaw went loose and his face went puce.
He thought they were a trophy, not a

truce, to show him Betty Jane had given
in to me.

He began letting loose with everything
he'd got, and Betty Jane's drawers got

rid of the shot, and suddenly my eyes
fell out of my face.

I fell into a hole in that wonderful
pair. A stream of coins fell through the

air. Clear as gold, I had found his hide
in the air.

I hurriedly wrote a note to Mick,
saying, Stop shooting and get here

Call it quits and share McCleary's gold.

I wrapped it round a rocky throne, but
my aiming is quite as good as his own.

caught it with his head and it laid him
flat out cold.

Well, that's the story of McCleary's
gold. Remember, men, all you've been

these widow women might be Middle Asian
plain.

But don't let that stop you. Take a tip
from me. Just try your luck. You could

very well be she's sitting on a fortune
like Betty Jane.

Now, my story tonight concerns an
Irishman who is not terribly bright.

Now, sorry, that may seem a bit obvious,
but I mentioned that right at the start

because I don't want to imply that all
Irishmen aren't terribly bright.

No, I'm sorry,

I'm not one of these comedians who
constantly makes cheap jokes about the

No, I don't. It's very nice. I mean,
there's a very sweet Irishman, for

who opened a fish and chip shop at the
end of our road last week.

Monday night, his first night open.

The customer walked in and said, fish
and chips twice.

The Irishman said, I heard you the first
time.

Now, I don't do these sorts of jokes,
and I don't think it's very fair. Well,

mean, let's face it. For me, that kind
of thing would be professional suicide,

because I happen to be very big in
Ireland.

Among the little people, I am very big.

In fact, over there, a lot of folk think
I am one of the little people.

I remember a few years ago when I was in
Ireland on holiday, I went out one day

for a little walk in the country, and I
just sat down in this cow field, rather

apt, actually, because it was Pancake
Tuesday.

And a lady who was passing by noticed me
and insisted on taking me home and

keeping me in her bedroom all night
because she said I was lucky.

As it turned out, I was pretty little.

That's another story which I'm not
telling you. Sometimes being small can

its advantages.

I mean, sometimes it can be very
embarrassing. I mean, I remember when I

left school, for a time I did a bit of
work as a male model. I used to pose for

the centre pages of rather racy
magazines, you know, like Shorthouse.

Flower graders only.

Usually. Usually wearing... Well, if it
wasn't for me, you'd all be getting

lumpy flowers.

Usually wearing nothing except a black
bowler hat, displaying all that nature

had given me.

Never received so many get -well cards
in my life.

No, it's very hard to believe I know,
but in those days, I was incredibly

You know, everywhere I went, people kept
laughing at me.

I wish they were in the audience
tonight.

So I decided to take one of those
bodybuilding courses. It was quite good.

They sent me one of those little
contraptions where you sit and exercise

feet on pedals, but it never actually
moves in the spot.

Austin 1100.

I also bought myself a set of chest
expanders, you know.

Only trouble was the wife started
practising with them. In the end, she

it.

I used to lie next to her in bed and I
couldn't see the alarm clock.

Do you have WhatsApp?

I seem to have strayed from the point
somewhat, which won't please the

too much. No, well, he's obsessed at the
moment with this fear of the show

overrunning. Sometimes, you know, he
lies awake at rehearsals worrying about

And he's not very happy with me anyway
this week because...

To be honest, he didn't really want me
to tell this particular joke, to be

honest. On Wednesday, I got the royal
summons to his office.

As I opened the door and stepped over
his secretary, I... I can see I've

a bad moment.

He said, Corbett, he said, he said,
Corbett, I said, I tell you, he said,

don't you tell them that awfully funny
joke this week about the shellfish?

I said, I'm sorry, but I don't know any
jokes about shellfish, I said. He said,

yes, you do?

The one about the sex -mad cockle?

Who goes out every Saturday night and
pulls a muscle.

I said, I'm sorry, but I happen to think
that's absolutely pathetic, that.

I mean, the one I've already got is a
lot funnier. He said, all right. He

there's no need to boast, he said. No
need to boast, he said. It was nice.

coming from a man who every night walks
into the BBC bar and shouts, mine's a

large one. I thought, well, that's
pretty much it.

So, onwards, onwards, very quickly.
There is this jumbo jet, you see, you

flying through the night across the
Atlantic to London, and all the

are sitting comfortably in the first
-class compartment, waiting for the joke

begin. Suddenly, a voice comes over the
intercom and says, Attention, please.

He said, this is your captain speaking.

Well, it's... Actually, he didn't hold
his nose.

I just did that because I wanted to give
you a little touch of realism.

I didn't want you to think the story had
anything to do with an Airbus captain

who went, this is your captain's
vehicle. I'm just filling you in. A

I had just at the last minute.

He said, this is your attention, please.

Your attention, please. We are cruising
at an altitude of approximately 35 ,000

feet above the Atlantic, an average
speed of 560 miles an hour. And number

engine, we have just lost number one.
engine. As a result, we shall now be

20 minutes late at Heathrow.

Well, the passengers took the news
fairly calmly, then a few minutes later

comes again.

Your attention, please. I'm afraid
number two engine has gone.

This means we shall be about 40 minutes
late arriving in London. Well, oh dear.

Well,

another half hour goes by, then the
intercom is switched on yet again.

Attention, please.

Number three engine has now dropped
completely off, and I'm afraid we're

to be a couple of hours late on this
run. What a nominous silence.

It sends over the whole plane, all the
passengers.

Then up pipes this little Irishman
sitting in the corner.

He said, let's hope we don't lose any
more of these engines, otherwise we'll

up here all night.

We'll be

right back.

Oh, I went to a party with a real cool
dish. She was drinking cherry brandy and

she drank a lot of fish. When we did the
shake, she spilled her booze. There's

one wearing pig's waist shoes.

A bundle of fun.

I'm a three -ply knee -high son of a
gun. Gonna twist and shout with the gals

and guys.

What I just twist, it brings tears to my
eyes.

I was being rather peckish and I thought
I'd stop. For a bit of cotton batter in

the old chip shop. But they got no pot,
it was out of stock.

Yeah, we just rocked salmon sauce. Yeah,
let's rock. They got hit, had it been

sold. They got hit, had it been sold.

They got rocked, salmon is scared.

They got chickens, heads in a plate.

It's a party in the morning, but it's
rockin' round the clock.

You big Bible day, yeah.

I was walkin' back from stains.

When it came on cats and dogs.

And it drenched my drapes and drains.

Put the muckers on me tops.

Well, it nearly has a fit.

When the people starts to stare.

Cause me pants to trunk and split.

Round the London derriere.

Round the houses it blew.

I got chilly round Fulham.

Round the Arsenal, too.

Just squelching back from stage.

Oh, my pants were sopping wet.

That's why I call them migrates.

I've got a great big Honda. And I've got
a little trike. We've got about a

billion. We really give them hell. They
love to press my hooter. And to ring my

little bell. Get out of the way.

I'm tall in the saddle.

And I've got a BSA.

I goes into the garage. It really was a
dump.

Well, shall I stick the oil since the
geese are at the pump? I smooth me Tony

Curtis as I tell him you know where.
It's one pint of me motorbike and two

on me head.

It's so quick.

I'm a lunchtime cowboy.

I'm a milk bar kid.

I rode a piccadilly one Friday night in
March.

A great big lorry belts me one right up
the Martin Lodge. They take me to the

doctor. The doctor comes around saying,
you should take it easy because you're

looking different now. Let's go to town.

Don't play great, don't play wrong. I
just require that you never bugger

We'll be right back.

I was driving up the mecca with a roller
called Rebecca, what a bird.

What a bird.

What a figure, what a figure, what a
rocker, what a reaver. What a turner.

I was getting from the warm, my figure
back, he's got enormous, oh, I'm a bird.

He was six foot three.

That is quite a sight.

When I danced with her, I got two black
eyes.

Because those knuckles on Rebecca, they
were like a double -decker in the sky.

One, two, three o 'clock, four o 'clock,
shout.

Forget your blister, don't forget your
couch.

If you're short, if you're stout, we're
going to rock around the clock tonight.

We're going to rock around the clock
tonight.

We're going to rock around the clock
tonight.

That's all we have time for tonight, but
before we go, the late news.

Yes, first, this afternoon's Tipperary
Games.

In the final of the tug of war, both
teams were disqualified for pushing.

In an interview shown tonight, Angela
Rippon confessed to having a selfish

streak. She did it at four o 'clock in
the morning when most of us were fast

asleep.

And finally tonight... News that the
latest from the Japanese electronics

industry is the surgical truss cum
calculator, which means you can count on

own support.

Next week, we'll be hoping to meet
Dougal Wicks, the man who arrived at

tonight's furniture design fancy dress
ball completely swathed in tinfoil with

castors on both feet and a black velvet
cushion on his head.

He later won the consolation prize for
making a complete stool of himself.

And we'll be having a word with the
scientist from the vice squad who's

a red light with a plastic bag and come
up with a brothelizer.

Until then, it's good night from me. And
it's good night from him.

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