Original subtitles

Good evening. It's good to be back with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, indeed

it is. And in a packed programme tonight, we shall be visiting the

Scunthorpe, Britain's worst nightclub, and having a word with the chucker in.

And in the studio, there'll be a tax inspector to show us how to fill in a

followed by a foreman to show us how to fill in a tax inspector.

But first, the news.

Her Majesty the Queen went on a short, informal walkabout today after she hit

her thumb with a hammer.

A man... A man was granted a divorce in Dundee today because

his wife insists upon covering herself up in bed.

He didn't mind when she used a Macintosh, but the last couple of times

McLeod and a Macpherson.

And the driving instructor who undid a lady's bra whilst giving her a driving

lesson today had his license endorsed for exceeding the limits in a built -up

area.

George Mumble, the home county's most henpecked husband, died today.

By the terms of his will, his ashes will be scattered all over his wife's new

living room carpet.

And the Harrow School garlic -eating contest has been won by the same boy for

the third year running.

His headmaster said today, this definitely puts him in a class by

Finally, there were red faces at Wembley tonight when the new fencing turned out

to be completely ineffectual. It totally failed to stop the England team from

getting onto the pitch.

And now a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie Corbett, whose uncle in Aberdeen's will

published today.

Ronnie gets a large settlement. It's a cottage that's falling into a quarry.

Goodness me.

It's Roger Davenport, isn't it? That's right, yes, yes.

Ralph Clark. I haven't seen you since, what, 1955?

Oh, goodness me.

Those were the days, eh? Oh, yes, yes.

Used to have some fun in those days.

Chasing the girls, that kind of thing.

Remember those two dollies we took to the Isle of Wight? Oh, Shanklin? Yes,

that's what I think we went for, yes.

Oh, good old days.

How's your life now, then? Oh, I've settled down, you know. Married man and

family man, really. Two children, grown up and that sort of thing. Yeah, very

nice. What about you, married?

No, no, never have, no, never have.

Oh, I thought it'd be a more fun thing, you know what I mean?

Take the girl I'm with at the moment, 20 years old. 20 years old?

Ooh.

You swine.

She likes things I thought only girls in books liked.

How are we liberated?

Oh, a real goer, yeah.

I can't stand it.

She's here somewhere, actually. She brought me along to meet her father,

actually. Really?

daughters, in fact, brought me here to meet her new boyfriend.

Oh, I see.

Well, of course, of course, when I said she was a goer, I mean, what I meant was

that if you're with her about 11 o 'clock at night, she says, I'm sorry, I

go.

She's a goer, but she doesn't say, so she goes.

I see, because when I said I can't stand it, I meant, you know, I won't stand

for it. Oh, yes, well, I can stand that, yes. And when I said that she likes

things only girls in books like, I obviously meant things like, well,

and then needlework.

And crossword puzzles. Oh, by the way, when I said, when I did that, you know,

what I really meant was she does get this slight rheumatism in her hands.

She can defend herself if any filthy swine were to try anything.

Not that anyone would with her. I mean, would let's face it. Not that she's not

attractive. She is very, very attractive.

Very attractive. But she's very pure, you see. Very, very, very pure. I mean,

she's so pure that she's never been further than, well, she's never been

than Virginia Water.

I admire her and respect her for it. I really, I really do.

Oh, good.

Yes. Because when I said you swine, you know, I meant you swine. Yes, I know. I

knew. I realised.

Roger, darling.

Come and meet Daddy. He's over there.

Oh, he's over there. Oh, I see. Do come and talk to Simon. We've been waiting

ages for you. Oh, I see. It's a different daddy. Oh, I see.

I say, when I said core, I really meant core.

No, when I went, you swine, I meant you lucky swine.

to you tonight on behalf of the very indecisive. My name, by the way, is Not

Sure Dithering.

Sometimes I'm not or sure, but I'm not too sure. I like not, and I'm not sure

about sure, or sure not, or not sure, or not, as the case may be, but I'm always

dithering.

Now, I am 83 years old.

I don't look it, but I was very indecisive even as a tiny baby.

I was nearly 40 before I could make up my mind to put in an appearance.

Now, I was educated at Eton and Harrow and Gordonstoun.

And this is Miss Wilmot, my governess.

Yes, my father was indecisive, too. He's not even sure he is my father, which

proves it.

Excuse me, there's a fly.

Oh,

good, he's died of old age.

Being indecisive can make life very difficult, indeed.

When I get up, eventually, each afternoon, there is this problem of

put on my underpants.

And on whom, and which way round, all vice versa.

It is worse than that. I'm head over heels, you see, in love with Ethel and

Rita. Now, how do I choose? Well, it's six at one and a half dozen at the

A very exhausting method.

Glad to tell you that this morning I went straight out and got engaged to

And Ethel.

And George.

Shall I show you a diagram that makes it all clear? Shall I? Why not?

On the other hand, why?

But on the other hand, perhaps some of you have got three hands, so I will.

Now, this is how the Indecisive Society is made up. What does it do? Well, let

me show you. The society actually hasn't done anything yet, of course, but here

we are. Now, 17 % want to join.

1 % have half a mind to join.

And 3 % are in two minds about leaving.

78 % are sitting on the fence.

And Arnold Truscott is just simply very well equipped.

Because he has a very tall fence.

Which brings me naturally to my trousers.

Now, I wasn't sure whether to wear plus fours or not, so I wore my plus twos and

kept my options open.

It's very cold on the options. I have invented several useful aids to the

indecisive. Supposing, for instance, you are not sure what to have for

breakfast. Well, here we are. Look at that.

You can always have a cup of coffee while you're deciding.

Now,

what about weather?

And if, of course, you and your girlfriend have decided weather, is it

be fine for you?

Or is it going to be wet?

Well... Yes, it is. Yes, it is. See, both the man and the woman come

out showing that at least the rain will be shining.

Now, what about your favourite picture? If you can't decide between Whistler's

mother and When Did You Last See Your Father, what about this?

Let's see.

I call that watch with mother, or when did you last see your whistler?

Now, where does this get us? Well, if you are indecisive, do think about

us, won't you?

Don't actually join us, just think about it.

Broken down by sex, and who isn't, let's face it.

We are 1 % male, 1 % female, and 98 % haven't decided.

Including Larry Grayson. Now, why not?

Why not come up and help us? Above all, send your donations to the Indecisive

Society, 26 Station Road, Droitwich or Uxbridge or Potter's Bar. We're not sure

yet.

BVX23LK. Well, I'm thinking about having drinks with the chairman of the BBC

tonight, but I'm not quite sure if he loves me. So I'm going to pull the

off of Daisy.

Hello, Daisy. She loves me.

On the trail of the murder of several yokels found dead in London, our two

incompetent heroes, Piggy Malone and Charlie Parley, have discovered a gold

underneath the village church at Drake's Bottom in darkest Devonshire.

The gold is being smuggled out of the country by the mad lady of the manor,

it is she who has been killing off anybody who decides to spill the beans.

As our story enters its final chapter, Piggy and Charlie try to talk their way

out of a very tight corner.

You think we're slightly off course, do you?

Ah, just a bit.

I think you'd better have a word with my superior.

Fetch him, Joe.

Yeah, right.

I think we'll just go back the way we came.

I've got a chicken in the oven, actually.

You bank from round these parts?

No, we bank.

You be spies.

All right.

You might as well know.

Now, look, tourney bed.

Get the straw out of your ears and listen.

We are from the London end of this organisation.

Now, we have heard that there's a lot of fiddling going on down here. Get my

drift, sailor?

Fiddling? Yes, fiddling.

Look at this rubbish.

It's disgraceful.

You've been adulterating this, haven't you?

Do you know what this is supposed to weigh, do you? Of course I do.

And do you know what this really weighs? No. I'll show you.

You better go and get the others.

Sorry. I'm so sorry.

I thought you was a man.

Do I have to wear these things?

Just a formality, Your Ladyship. Don't worry about anything. The sergeant will

make it easy for you.

He will personally take down anything you care to suggest.

I'm sure he would. He's well known in the village for it.

No, no, no, no. What he means is get it off your chest.

Make up your mind.

Who is her ladyship's solicitor? Where is he? A local man. He can't see her.

Why not?

He's lost his glasses.

Don't worry.

She'll confess everything just a matter of time.

The main thing is we've uncovered the whole operation.

We've got all the district nurses under lock and key and we're going to throw

the book at them.

Don't forget to charge them with dressing up in women's clothes.

Oh, that's nothing.

We found out that one of they have been treating Miss Hopkins twice a week for a

slipped disc.

And another one have been running an antenatal clinic.

Now, the point is the trial won't be for a few months. Will you be able to get

down here as witnesses?

Ah, well, uh... Would we get expenses?

Afraid not, no.

Oh. Well, we've got this very important case coming up, you see. It's corruption

running riot on a small island.

That's definitely on by the way, Chief. I heard from the town clerk in Shanklin.

Well, all I can say is I'm grateful.

The old village is grateful to have solved the yokel murders, cracked down

that gold smuggling racket. I should think the old country should be grateful

you both.

All in the line of duty, Sergeant?

Well, cheerio.

Drop us a postcard, won't you? I certainly will.

Goodbye, gentlemen.

Bye -bye.

And don't worry, I'll take care of everything.

Well, one more case cleared up, Chief. Yes, criminals safe and sound behind

bars. Back where they've been long.

It's a satisfying thing, isn't it, stamping out crime?

Yeah, upholding the laws of the realm.

Making sure that England is a safe place for people to live in.

Yeah, but for how long?

The world is rapidly becoming, you know, less law -abiding.

Yeah, why?

If only it was more law -abiding, you know, there'd be less crime about, you

know.

So it's back to the old smoke, eh, Chief?

Yes, back to the landlady waiting for the rent.

Hey, wait a minute.

Just realise something, Chief.

Nobody's paying us for this job. Who's paying us for this job? What?

Well, we weren't commissioned to do it, were we? No reward, nothing, not a penny

out of it. All this time... We end up with not even a brass farthing.

Not exactly a brass farthing, no.

But if I were you, I wouldn't worry about the rent for a month or two.

What do you mean by that?

Well, you don't think I'm going to walk out of that police station wearing this

raincoat and leave all them gold bars lying on the counter, do you?

What, you mean one of them's gone missing?

Why do you think I'm walking lopsided?

Funny you should say that.

I wasn't going to say anything, you know.

I thought it was your old trouble.

You trying to be funny?

Yes. Oh, clever clogs, eh? Well, do you know where I found this?

Er... No, it won't come to me. Where did you find it?

In the chicken you sold my wife yesterday.

Ah.

Well, it's all the iron tablets they feed them on, you see, sir.

I've got half a mind to take you to the trading standards place. Have you closed

down? Put out of business?

Ah.

Congratulations, sir. Your wife... Bought the lucky chicken, which

piece of metal, so she wins this week's raffle, which entitles her to a brand

new chicken.

Oh, I see, a weekly raffle. Oh, I should get my wife to come here for all of our

stuff in future. Yes, I should. She might win again, sir. Who knows, eh?

Next week, we've got five of them. Oh, five chickens?

No, five Nolan sisters.

Oh!

Shall I save you one for the weekend? Please do, thank you.

a glimpse of stalking was looked on as something shocking now

now, is it?

What's not very long now?

The end of the world, mate. End of the world.

We've got time for another drink, though, ain't we?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

But scientists have been proved right, you see. There's going to be a new ice

age.

When? Oh, I don't know. Next year, I expect.

All the icebergs will come down from the north.

The Atlantic will be one vast skating rink.

All of North America will be covered in a big snowdrift.

I think it'll reach Croydon about June 14th.

It's all right, I'll be on my holidays then.

Where are you going?

Staying at home.

Can't afford to go away. Come to think of it, I can't afford to stay at home.

Well, that's it then. You'll be caught by the Ice Age, won't you?

Good thing I bought that new duffel coat, ain't it?

It's not a question of duffel coats, is it, eh? I mean, I'm not talking about a

little cold snap, you know. I'm talking about a destruction of the human race.

Well, we'll get over it, we always do.

No, no, that remains to be seen.

Ah. You see, I think how they'll get out of it is that they will select certain

of us and ship us all off to Mars, you see.

What, Mars?

Yeah, Mars, yeah.

Why? Well, to colonise it, you know.

Further the human race.

What, in a rocket, you mean? Well, yeah, of course you'll go in a rocket, won't

you? I mean, they won't wheeze you around there in a minicab, will they?

No,

you see, it'll be a joint project between America and Russia.

Either you'll go in a Saturn rocket or you'll go in one of them Russian ones.

Vostok's.

No, it's true, it's true, I'm telling you.

Russian rocket is called a Vostok, isn't it? Oh, yeah, I know that. Yeah, I know

that, yeah.

It's Russian for fly.

Fly, is it? Oh, yes.

If you was in Moscow, you see, you're creeping around Red Square, and you

suddenly saw that the zip on your trousers was open, right?

A friendly Muscovite would come up to you and say, Oi, your Vostok's is

Comrade, probably.

probably your Vostok's his undone comrade. Oh, comrade, yeah, same

yeah.

Mind you, if it was the Ice Age, you'd know they were undone, wouldn't you?

Yes, once you saw the icicles forming round the old Kremlin, you'd do up your

Vostok shoes.

So you reckon we're all going to perish then, eh? Yeah, yeah.

Well, you are, I'm not.

Because I've already written away for my ticket, see, for the rocket.

Yeah. I wrote to NASA about it.

NASA, he's dead.

President NASA, you're burnt. I'm talking about NASA.

Oh. The North American something or another.

Something to Kate Carnival, isn't it?

What do they say, then?

Oh, well, they ain't replied yet.

So when did you write them?

1966.

Probably considering it all, eh? Yeah, yeah. They've probably got my name up

there in some sort of blood bank, you know, stored away like that. Yeah, yeah.

Mind you, I would have thought for space and all that, they would have maybe

preferred, they would have picked, you know, like a surgeon or a scientist or

something like that. I mean, I wouldn't have thought on Mars there was a great

deal of call for, you know, a carpenter myself.

LAUGHTER

What are you trying to say?

Well, all I'm trying to say is, you know, they would pick somebody sort of

qualified, you know. Well, I'm qualified. I took me city and girls

True, but you failed.

Look, wherever there's windows and doors, they're going to need chippers,

they, eh?

No, I think they've got up there, they've got a multi -million pound

you see, and in it they feed in all our names and our attributes, and I've got

quite a few attributes, as you know.

And then the computer will select me a mate, see?

Well, I'm your mate, can't I come? I mean, that's... No, they don't mean that

sort of mate. They wouldn't spend millions of pounds, would they? Just to

someone out to play dominoes with me? No, no, no.

No, they talk about a woman. Oh, you mean a woman? Oh, yeah. Oh, a woman,

yeah. So that you can have children, you see, and further the human race. Now,

they'll probably be going and setting out for some sort of coffee -coloured

race, you see.

So I would finish up with some long -limbed ebony beauty, you see.

A sort of terrestrial Diana Ross.

But what about your, you know, your problem?

Oh, that's it. Oh, no, no.

That's only with the wife.

I think.

Anyway, that wouldn't matter up there because there's no gravity up there, is

there?

and ice age, we'd all be frozen stiff anyhow.

Do you think there is life up there? I mean, do you think we are the

highest forms of intelligence?

What, you and me, you mean?

Oh, yes. I mean, just humans. Oh, humans. Oh, I don't know much about

never seem to meet them in my line of work.

Well, I'm going to creep off home. I'm going to watch Star Trek tonight. Yes,

I'm going to listen to the news.

There might be something about the new Ice Age on it, you see. Look, there

going to be any Ice Age. Not yet a while.

The unions would never stand for it.

That's not really well.

Here.

It's snowing.

Now, tonight, I'd like to tell you... Excuse me a minute.

I'm sorry about that.

I can still feel my heart beating away here because I had a bit of a

experience tonight, coming to the studio, just crossing the road outside

I was just stepping off the curb and my parachute failed to open.

Now...

Now, let's face it, this road outside the television centre can be incredibly

dangerous at times.

I mean, only last week we all got rather a nasty shock when we heard that a

black and white minstrel had been run over by a steamroller.

For six days we'd all been using him as a zebra cross.

However, you don't want to hear about all that. And I must try tonight to

stick to the point of the story. I must.

Because, you know, it keeps the producer happy. And no one wants to make life

difficult because he's still quite new to the show, you know.

I don't want to speak too loudly, you know, in case we're waking him up.

But our new producer is actually very good.

Apart from rather shocking memories, he's got this terrible memory.

I mean, this afternoon he came up to me in the studio and he said, excuse me,

but are you the fat one or the little one?

Terrible memory. And he stood there in front of me, running the Black & Decker

over his moustache.

He said to me, what joke are you bringing out of retirement this week?

Dear heart.

He's a little bit, you know.

I said, well, I thought about doing... I said, I thought about doing... You

know, I sort of got a little bit dear heart myself.

I said, well, I thought... I said, dear heart, I thought about doing the one

about the zoo.

He said, that's not the one about the Irish zookeeper, is it? Who kept

the bird feed.

No, I said, it's not that one. He said, it's not the other one about the cow

that has a night of fun with a warthog and ends up six months repugnant.

No, I said, it's not that one either.

In fact, I'll be honest, this particular joke is one I heard recently at one of

those rather posh dinners.

You know, one goes to these parts. This was the National Union of Undertakers

annual ball.

They invite me along each year, you know, to crack a few jokes.

Boost trade, generally.

Although, mind you, for me, for me doing after -dinner speeches, you know, can

prove harrowing. Because if I stand still for too long, the toastmaster

banging my head on the table.

Or somebody picks me up and says, here, the salt cellar's empty. And I've never

really got over an embarrassing experience I had a few years back when I

received an invitation to a rather smart dinner which said, dress optional, you

know, one of these tickets.

That's where I made my mistake, of course, because when I turned up, I

none of the other men were wearing one.

But back to the joke. It is about, and not before time, it

is about, it is about the zoo.

which is a little bit short of animals.

And to cap it all, after all, the star attraction, Dez, the gorilla, has handed

in his notice.

So they're at the wit's end.

And one of the keepers had a bright idea.

He said, why don't we dress somebody up as a gorilla instead?

All we need is somebody who can lumber around and suck a few bananas and

his armpits.

So they decide to put an advertisement in the local paper.

ape person wanted, you know.

And the following day, the following day, the following day, save all your

laughs for the end, we leave them there.

The following day, this fellow turns up and he said, I don't normally do a lot

of gorilla work, he said, but times are hard.

I've just been laid off, he said, at the Golders Green Bacon Company.

I really need, I really need the money.

So they dress him up in a gorilla skin, you know. And they take a bit off the

sleeves and a bit of a tuck in the back. He looks quite smart.

And they put him in the cage.

Well, he's a little bit nervous about it all because he knows they're all out

there, the mums and the dads and the kiddies and his agent.

So at first he plays a little bit low -key. He just sort of peeps out from

hut at the back. Now, again, you know, peeps out, picks his nose or something.

And then he immediately does that. The crowd go wild. They go, more!

Bravo! Eat your heart out, Bernard Manning. And, of course, the chap...

The chap starts gaining confidence and he comes right out of the hut and he

really gets into the spirit of the thing. You know, he starts scraping his

knuckles along the floor and beating his hands on his chest, you know, generally

hurting himself.

Making all the noises like... Perhaps not quite as good as that.

It's just something that comes to me naturally.

My acting experience. But he gets so carried away that he swings about in the

rope and he swings so hard he flies right over the cage and lands slap bang

the middle of the lion's den.

Where you can see the fear come over his face.

You know, like a tomcat that's just seen the vet's card drawing.

Absolutely.

He straight away starts shouting, let me out, let me out, rattling the bath,

screaming his head off, raising the roof. One of the lions stalks slowly

him and said, look, why don't you shut up, you get us all the sack.

You can't beat a majorette.

That's not all for what.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

can play all the day. Does she have to walk that way?

It's like two little boys in a sack.

That's unkind. I don't mind. Have you seen her from behind?

It's like two little boys in a sack.

Well, I agree. Her poop got a quipper and a droop like a tent when they're

hauling in the slack.

Oh, she's got a seat with a sink of faded feet. It's like two little boys in

sack.

Look at Sheila. I call her Melanie.

Melanie's figure makes them gay.

If her name's Sheila, why call her Melanie? It isn't her name, it's her

Can't I gander at Amanda?

Her butt, it's just been up in bags.

agree, she's got a matching set.

Bow tie, bow front, and bow legs.

She's Bandy so the boys can understand her.

She's a girl that they can see right through.

That's the reason why they call her Randy Bandy Mandy.

She's got a Bandy poodle too.

Sharon's very popular with Jimmy, Dick, and Pike. There's dolls of men like Bill

and Ben and Terry, Pete, and Mike.

That's why they call me Sharon, cause they share and share alike.

Fall in and follow my leader.

We're dangerous,

we're very electric.

Your feet, I very nearly trip. You really are a right one, and I think

left one flip.

Fall in and follow my leader.

Jerky is my booze, a pal of that there is no doubt.

I call her great, great jerkers, but the others call her stout.

Just you call me Gert and kindly leave my rude bits out.

Fall in to follow my leader.

We're majorettes. It's quite all right for some.

Our tights are tight. Our knees are getting numb.

And worst of all, I think I've got a blister on my thumb.

I'm marching double quick.

What a shambles. Don't it make you sick?

I have lost the knack. It's getting up my bracket. I've decided now the time

has come to pack it in. Don't stand there like a garden elf. Take this thing

stick it on the shelf. The shelf's too high for me. I'm only five foot three.

You'll have to stick it up yourself.

A song of freedom. We're going to throw our stays away.

Or all the pamphlets when you read them. They burn your bras and watch your

watch it blaze away. A song of freedom.

Check out your corsets, you don't need them. And we'll all hang around together

when we throw our stays away.

Yes, we'll all hang around together when we throw

Well, that's all we have time for tonight. But before we go, here are a

items of late news. A new publishing venture was announced today.

The Stock Breeders Gazette and Playboy magazine are to get together to produce

the Pharma Sutra.

Whilst... Whilst Arnold Trump...

Six foot nine, ham -fisted, hairy drunk, with a short temper, bad breath, acne,

dandruff and fleas, was named by Scotland Yard today as Britain's most

man.

And scientists in Australia have crossed Rolf Harris with one of the five wise

virgins to produce a didgeridoo.

The Cement Marketing Board sculpture exhibition opened in London today. The

competition was for carvings of the world's great lovers done entirely in

limestone. And Casanova won by a long chalk.

One final piece of news. The Football League have announced their new scheme

redesigning badges so that they suggest the club's name.

Oxford United's badge will be an ox.

Swansea will have a swan, Queen's Park will have a queen, and Notts County will

have a knot.

Dundee will have a cake, Chelsea will have a bun, and Luton will have a loo.

Crystal City are in two minds, and Arsenal backed out altogether.

So, until the next series, it's goodnight from me. And it's goodnight

Goodnight.

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