Original subtitles

Bruno?

Oh, hi there, Peter.

Got a beer there?

I could use one myself.

Just a moment. The valve's broken. I can fix it.

Hang on a minute. I'll have it working again.

I haven't seen much of you lately.

That's because you haven't been around.

I've been too depressed.

They want to tear down my bar.

You didn't look too depressed yesterday when I saw you with that blonde.

You saw me?

She was a knockout. And the Rolls Royce? When did you strike oil?

I don't know what you're talking

about.

What are you, leading a double life?

Are you trying to put something over on me?

I don't know what you're talking about. Really.

I'm too busy to go carousing.

Anyway, I'm no playboy. So how long you got before they tear down the building?

Never. I'll never leave this place. Don't go away.

Over here.

Here. Thanks.

You take that one. I'll take this side.

Take that, landmongering gangsters. That's for my lawyer.

And my mortgage.

And my balloon payments.

Reaganomics.

Tech sheltering.

Close neo -fascist.

Profiteering corporate.

Sheep!

No!

What a mess.

Gee, I wonder whose car it is.

Mine.

Okay, come on. Ready?

One, two, three.

Could be worse.

It's not so bad. Hey, hey, look, look!

Good morning, Mr. Emmer.

Good morning, Mr. Emmer. You're looking very well today.

Don't soft -soap me, Cramden. Good morning, Mr. Emmer. What time is it?

Eight o 'clock sharp, as always.

Dictation today at the usual time? That's my decision.

And a beautiful morning, Mr. Emmer. Just wait and see.

Where to now, sir? Seventh floor on the double.

Right away, sir.

Oh, good morning, Mr.

Emmer.

Drinking coffee on the job again, eh? This is your last warning.

Hey, hands off my... Oh, Mr. Emmer.

You, hold it. Are you fouling my air with cigarette smoke?

You're fired.

Finished, you read me? Get out.

Good morning, Mr. Emmer. Are we ready with the conference?

They've all been waiting ten minutes, except for Van Buren.

Norton, I've got you this time.

Connors, Agnes, front and center.

Norton gets no vacation.

Very good, Mr. Emmer.

Sit down.

Let's go.

The most outstanding news this summer comes from Hong Kong.

Production's up, but we're having some union trouble.

Those communists.

We'll deal with them.

New production theories based loosely upon the old theories of production

clearly indicate that... Stop. Too long. Go write me a memorandum.

But if I may briefly... That's it.

Write a memo.

That's enough of this mindlessness.

There's a problem with one of our tenant evictions. Uh -huh.

Ah, Van Buren.

I'm terribly sorry to be late, sir, but I had a flat tire in rush hour traffic.

Your alarm didn't ring either, did it?

Right. Right.

I suppose you work through lunch today.

Naturally I will, Mr. Rimmer. Have you thought about our vodka advertisement?

Of course, sir.

So you've got it?

Not yet, sir.

Maybe I do.

You have it?

Forever drinking.

Emmer. Excellent. Yes. Very good. Very good indeed.

Of course.

Brilliant copy.

Yeah. Idiot.

Of course it's brilliant.

Yes, Mr. Emmer.

There's trouble at the condo site, sir.

A man named Bruno Koob's fighting our operation.

Just get him out of there.

But how do we do that?

We've tried every legal method available.

How about some methods that are illegal?

Yes, of course.

Kill the light.

sure not to kill him. Oh, why not? He has to move out first.

Who said that? In his legal department.

Oh, gee.

How about another little drink?

Hmm. Okay.

On a tree by a river, a little tomcat sang.

What

do

you think you're trying to do?

The name's Van Buren.

Lucky for you, I have lightning -fast reflexes. It isn't time to make up

excuses.

Excuse me, it's just that I didn't see you. Obviously.

I... You're incognito.

You're inebriated.

That's rich.

If anyone asks, I haven't seen you tonight.

And that's a fact.

I didn't see you tonight.

No doubt about it. Freddy, who is that jerk?

Oh, I don't like that at all.

Are you crazy? That's Mr. Rimmer.

Dressed like that?

Yes. Now, please act normal.

Yoo -hoo.

I thought in light of our unexpected meeting, I might have the privilege of

inviting you for a drink.

Well, sounds like a unique experience.

This place is great.

So, that's the thing.

Why'd they want to wreck a nice joint like this?

What a shame.

More of this.

Would you care for another drink, Mr. Ember? I told you my name's Bruno, like

Uno with a... Cheers, Bruno. And I'm ready.

Eddie with a fur.

Oh, my poor little Freddy baby.

Four -eyed Freddy.

Excuse me, I have to go powder my nose.

Be sure and save some powder for me.

Excuse me.

Would you like something else?

Yeah, I know just what I want. I want a ravey... Ramp.

Ramp.

Give me some double. You want to double?

You got the order. Now, double time.

Pardon? You heard me.

Speed it up.

The music.

I had no idea what you meant.

He's very helpful.

You're a fun person.

Mind if we dance?

Sure, but who'll dance with the girl?

Won't you permit me to take her this time?

All right. Her friend will be back soon.

Go on ahead. That's all right.

I'll just wait for her sister. That's what I'll do.

Yep, she's coming back here to sit down with.

He's dancing with my sister, you know.

I'm waiting for my sister.

Hey, you two. Come here.

Mind if we join you?

No, not particularly.

Well, business is good.

Yeah, it's all right.

So you don't want to give it up, is that it?

No, not at the moment, no.

I see.

Are you allergic?

Oh, yeah. You could have just asked me to put it out and I'd have gladly...

Oh, no, what... Calm yourself.

Your friend got me all wet.

Like that we should beat you up first to tear the joint apart.

Hmm. Well, why don't you tear the place apart?

What the hell happened?

Believe me, it's better like this.

Mr. Van Buren, what's all this?

Everything's all right. Let me explain.

Mr. Emmer likes a little... Oh, they're tearing the whole place apart.

Now, please don't worry about it. The company will cover everything.

Is it true what I hear? The company's paying for everything?

Of course it's true.

Is everything okay?

Oh, yeah. He's very nice. Don't you think you should join in?

Everyone's expecting you to.

Really? Okay, let's go.

You're not using this right now, are you?

Now.

There,

get it.

What the heck do we care? What the heck?

No, my friend, you won't be back, will you?

I'm not that crazy.

Freddy, let's go. One moment. First, your autograph, if you don't mind.

Okay.

It's 7 .30 a .m., and in the local news, preparations for the presidential visit

are continuing at a fever pitch.

Here he comes. On Friday, Air Force One will touch down...

Get going.

Okay.

Move!

Move, move, move!

Come on, come on, we'll climb out the back.

He's gone.

You dare call yourself a kidnapper?

Hello,

Arthur. Hello, Harry.

Hello, boss.

It's Seth.

Pardon?

Do you have him or not?

How much did you lose this time?

Fifty thousand.

Of mine.

450 ,000?

So we'll have to try again.

Yeah.

And what should we do for punishment?

Who goes first this time?

Okay begin

Guess

I'll

have to do it myself.

Okay, okay

Dictation today at the usual time, sir. That's my decision.

Good morning, Mr. Emmer.

Is the conference ready?

Everyone but Van Vuren, he's coming in later.

Uh -huh. He said you'd be coming in late as well, sir.

What? He said that you'd be coming in late also.

Fire him.

Consider it done, Mr. Emmer.

What's this? It's from the Orchid Club.

Dear Mr. Emmer, our pleasure to have made your acquaintance. Hope you had an

enjoyable time.

Enclosed is an itemized list of damages incurred during the et cetera, et

cetera, and so forth.

$262 ,324 .33.

That's my signature.

No, Mr. Emmer.

Whose is it, then?

Bruno... I can't read the last name.

Return it.

Right away, Mr. Emmer.

It sure looks like... I don't care.

It's going back to them.

Right away, sir.

What a headache.

What do you want?

This is by any chance your signature?

Bruno Kub.

$262 ,324.

And 33 cents plus tax.

I thought... Don't think.

Hey.

Have the money Monday.

We'll be back.

How am I supposed to get that kind of money by Monday?

Better. But I can't possibly come up with the... I see what you mean.

No problem. I'll see you Monday.

Man, Bruno, this car is really out of sight, you know?

Where'd you get the bread for this rig?

You been holding out on me, bro?

Oh, come on. Is this how you treat your old friend Peter?

Forgive me, dear Peter, but I don't know who the hell you are.

Oh, come on. You're kidding me, right?

Bruno, stop it. Come on.

Morning, Mr.

Emmer.

What would you like?

Half a million dollars.

Don't get excited. They were kidnappers.

Of course they were kidnappers. And professionals, by the sound of it, I'd

your life's in jeopardy.

I need help.

Police protection. That, I regret to tell you, is entirely out of the

for the moment.

Here, I'll show you.

From Friday to Monday, President Reagan is visiting our city.

This is his itinerary. Ten thousand people live along these streets.

It's our chore to consider every single one of them as potential assassins. And

so? They all have to be watched.

It's the biggest job we've ever... Commissioner.

I'm Mr. Emmer.

In one fiscal year, I shall out more taxes than you in your entire lifetime.

You're obliged to help out. Starting Monday, I'll do just that.

On Monday, I'll be dead.

Accept my advice, Mr. Emmer.

And until Monday morning when we can better serve you, stay underground.

All right, now I'm going to find out just what's going on.

Oh, no.

Don't.

Agnes?

Yes, Mr. Emmer?

Starting right now, have all of the guards standing by for my instructions.

Day and night.

Mr. Emmer, the guards are on strike over Norton's vacation cut.

What am I going to do?

Will you, Agnes?

Mr. Emmer?

Who's there?

It's me, Freddy.

Freddy Van Buren.

I just want to talk to you, Mr. Emmer.

Get out!

But, Mr. Emmer, we were getting along so well at the Orchid Club.

Where do you get these ideas?

You and I, we...

Had such a good time.

Tell me something.

Are you a homo?

Double time?

What?

You called the maitre d' and told them to speed the music up.

The Orchid Club.

You tore it up.

I tore the club up?

Yeah. Yeah.

Brought the place to its knees.

On being called Bruno.

Uh, sir?

What now, Van Buren?

Am I still fired?

Of course you are. Get out.

Agnes, on the double.

What was the name of that guy in the Orchid Club invoice?

Bruno Cook.

A Coop.

Bruno Coop.

Take a note.

Cancel all of my meetings for the week and cut all demolition orders for Bruno

Coop. Okay?

I'll see to it.

I swear I'll never ask another favor of you again as long as I live. Just please

pay me back, okay?

Willie?

They were all so nice to me when I gave them credit at my bar.

It can't be. I'm already here. Open the door.

It's unbelievable.

That's true.

Try them on.

You're a spitting image.

That's true.

You're not as intelligent.

Oh, but that's my fault.

Coombe.

How long has this scam been taking place?

What scam?

You're going around using my name. How's that?

Dear Mr. Amor.

Is that you? Yes.

Good old orchid club. You were so drunk, you forgot to use my signature.

There was some misunderstanding with this. I had no idea what I was signing.

Misunderstanding. That little misunderstanding is going to cost you

That's 33 cents.

Add that to forgery, vandalism, impersonation, bankruptcy,

and it comes to about...

Fifteen hard years.

Do you have a telephone?

Tele... phone.

Well, don't you think I should call the police?

Police, yeah.

But isn't there some other way we could... Now that you mention it, there

way.

Some unexpected circumstances are taking me out of town for a few days.

However, left without supervision, the employees...

have a strong tendency to screw off. They need intimidation. So long as they

think I'm behind my desk, things are fine. That's where you come in.

All I need... Where'd you go?

Here.

1 ,500 bucks a day.

1 ,500 dollars. And if you succeed, I'll pay for the orchid club.

Well, that's very generous of you, but how about... Are you sure you're going

be able to cover this?

You'll go in my place only for two days.

Yeah, but in your office, aren't there people who are going to find out about

it? We'll know about that tomorrow.

Come over here.

Pardon? I said come here.

Oh, coming?

Here.

This is the address of my firm and a map.

I wrote it all down.

When you show up, everyone you'll encounter when you arrive in the right

What to say to them.

Learn it from the top.

If you get in on time, undiscovered, to my office, you'll get the job.

Uh, uh, well, what if I blow my cover?

What'll I do?

Your problem.

Well, I hope I get everything right.

It's parked out front.

Your keys.

Be careful with it.

My hat and coat are in the car.

Here, put these on.

And be sure and change your hair.

And bring your passport.

Okay.

Fifth, drinking coffee on the job again, eh?

This is your last warning.

Three.

That's my decision.

Don't soft -soap me, Cramden. Good. Okay, now, now, when I'm out making my

rounds, the first opportunity I get, whack, right on the butt.

He looks like a real jerk.

Six. Now, just wait and see.

Third.

Don't soft -soap me, Cramden.

Ah.

What a car.

One.

Don't soft -soft me, Cramden.

Two. What time is it? Three. That's my decision.

Fifth. Seventh floor on the double. No, no. That's four.

Good morning, Mr. Rimmer.

My decision?

I beg your pardon, Mr. Rimmer?

Drinking coffee on the job again, huh?

Morning, Mr. Emmer. You're looking well today.

What time is it?

I'm sorry, sir, but I don't wear a watch.

My decision.

Good morning, Mr. Emmer. It's 8 .05. Just wait and see.

Your coat, please.

Where? What? Your coat.

Dictation today at the usual time?

Dictation.

Um...

Aren't

you making your rounds today, sir?

Huh? You go that way every morning.

Um... Oh.

Oh.

Do what you're doing and do that.

Have a beautiful morning, Mr. Emmer. Don't soft -soap me. I mean seventh

Right away, Mr. Emmer. On the double?

Oh, oh, good morning, Mr. Emmer.

Right on the butt?

Nah.

Oh, uh, excuse me. I seemed, I seemed to have dropped my spoon.

I got it right, didn't I?

Oh, good morning, Mr. Emmer.

It's my first day on the job. It's mine, too. I mean, uh... Tell me, um...

Have they shown you where my office is?

Naturally, Mr. Emmer. I had my tour this morning.

Uh, I'll just test your memory.

Wouldn't you lead the way? Naturally, Mr. Emmer.

Morning, Miss. Good morning. Hi.

You're dismissed.

Of course, Mr. Emmer.

You're dismissed, too.

Hey, boy, am I glad that you're here.

Agnes, hold my calls. All morning.

Sit down.

I think that what I mean is I thought that maybe... I think that I...

Stop thinking.

All my meetings have been cancelled, and now I'll teach you all you need to

know.

What do you say if someone comes in?

Hello?

No. You're the boss.

When someone comes in, what are they doing?

Annoying the boss.

Okay? Again.

Get out of here, you idiot, or I'll rip your head off for you. Try some

sophistication. Oh, I was only having some fun with it. Don't you ever make a

joke while you're in my office.

All right.

All right.

If somebody needs something, just say, I must have more details.

I must have more details.

Shout it at me. Project.

More details, huh, you jerk? Let's have more details.

Not so harsh.

All right, now let's say, what'll I do if... What happens if they already say

they gave me all the details? Then you say, here, read it.

Here, read it.

Here.

Oh! All right.

They say, Mr.

Emmer, you already have them.

So I say... That's only your opinion.

Or I'm not interested in your opinion.

Just one of them.

That's only your opinion works better, don't you think?

Use both of them. I'm not interested in your opinion. Of course, but... I need

more details.

You already have the details.

That's only your opinion.

I wish to hell you'd shut up.

It works.

Yeah,

it does.

All right, read on.

Okay. If it looks like they're going to go on forever, you tell them, go write a

report about it and send me a copy, or go write a memo. Write anything. Write a

memo. A memo.

Over and out.

Over and out?

Just threw that in.

Throw it out.

Let's go back.

Where? To the very beginning.

Hello.

What's that for?

It's what you always do.

Uh, passports. We'd better switch them.

All right.

Agnes, no disturbances for the rest of the day. No visitors, nothing.

Who's Agnes?

My private secretary.

Ah, my private secretary.

Perfect.

Remarkable resemblance. Yeah, you're right. Great resemblance, but... The

glasses would help.

Just tell them that, um... You're wearing contacts.

Oh, yeah.

Where are they?

You're wearing them.

Uh -oh. Oh, I see.

I think I need something to... Seventh from the top button on the right is the

bar.

Good. What are all the other ones for?

You don't need them.

I don't need them.

If my wife calls, be unfriendly.

And tell her you're under a lot of pressure.

No wonder you're the boss.

Just so we're sure.

I'll give you a call.

Excuse me, but I still get the money you promised me.

And the bar I wrecked. You're really going to pay for it, right? I mean, you

weren't joking.

I never make jokes.

Oh, yeah.

Kube.

They'll get you soon. I mean, you'll get it.

You'll be okay, Kube.

I'll be okay.

Well, it worked like a charm. Really? You're the greatest.

We do try.

So, what would you think if we escaped a little trip?

Your country home?

No. I thought we'd fly south.

Darling!

So... I think I deserve a little beer.

Seventh button down from the top.

Seventh button.

Seventh down from one, two, three, four, five, six. Presto!

What's this?

I'm sure he said seventh button from the left.

Huh.

Yeah.

I don't need any soap operas. Yeah.

Here's the button.

What the hell is going on here?

What are you looking at?

Everybody turn.

Get on with it.

Look up.

And away.

I like that.

All right, then.

How about it?

Stop.

Look up here.

That's enough. Now do what you want.

Now, let's try the seventh in from the left.

No! No!

No!

No!

Don't!

Why me?

Not to be disturbed.

Really?

I'm going in. Listen, I'll call you back.

I suppose he's very busy.

That is correct.

Unlock it.

So, you're in cahoots with him.

I have no idea what you mean.

Mr. Emmer, what on earth happened? This thing there, and here, and there, and

over there.

Down,

down.

That?

So soon?

Yeah.

Oh.

I hope this isn't a disturbance.

A disturbance. Yeah, that's right. I demand an explanation.

Yeah, just like she said. A disturbance, that's all.

Leave the two of us alone.

You stay here.

Please leave.

I know exactly what's happening.

I need more details.

Details.

I've got details. How about that cheap little blonde you were with today?

That's only your opinion.

My opinion?

Write a memo. I'll read it when I have more time.

So you played around on your wedding anniversary.

Oh, anniversary.

Now I really need more details.

Are you ill?

Are you on booze?

No, no.

Please excuse me. It's very nice to meet you.

Yes, very nice.

Immer.

Immer. Better answer the telephone.

Do you need a doctor?

No, no. I got it.

Cooperation Headquarters of America. May I help you? You sound nervous.

Well, your wife. I mean, our wife. I mean, my wife just arrived and...

My wife?

She's there with him.

Has she noticed anything?

Don't think so.

Are you sure?

Not really.

Is she leaving soon?

I hope so.

Throw her out. She's used to it. Just don't be nice to her.

I'll call you this afternoon.

Bye.

Okay.

So. Talking to her while I'm here.

That's outrageous.

But, uh... Tomorrow I'll just go file for a divorce.

Well, what are you talking about?

Gonna move on. Do it today.

I have work to do. Busy, busy.

You mean that you don't?

No, uh -uh.

I could use that beer now.

Ah!

Hey, Matt.

She's still there.

Who? Oh, her.

She just left.

Did she figure it out?

What do you think? I handled her like a champ.

What'd she want?

Oh, she's suing for divorce today.

What?

She'll take half of everything I'm worth.

I'll have to fix this one right away.

I'll call her up.

And tell her that I'm coming home early tonight.

Oh, have a good time.

I'll call.

You go over there.

I'd be a little nice to her this time.

Uh, no, I don't think so, no.

Coop.

Orchid Club.

Oh, there shouldn't be any problem. Very good.

At home, I call her Honey. Yes, Honey. Uh, Honey. Yes.

Okay. Bye.

Now, I need that little beer.

Good morning, Mr. Rimmer. It's 9 .15.

Where'd you come from?

Beg your pardon?

I need more details.

The assembly is ready, Mr. Rimmer.

Assembly? What are they assembled for?

The morning conference.

Couldn't you cancel it this time?

Oh, I forgot.

Rotten luck.

I'm sorry, it won't happen again.

I hope not.

This way, Mr. Zimmer? I know.

Morning. Morning.

Sure is nice weather.

Of course, Mr. Everett.

Hopefully it will keep up.

Of course, Mr. Everett.

Because if it changed, you know, we could have...

Some rain.

Of course, Mr. Turner.

Maybe even thunder and lightning.

Of course, Mr.

Turner.

Uh... Oh!

Just a moment.

We... Well,

we had a nice conference, right? If I may begin by saying, sir...

The end of the fiscal year is almost here.

Oh, time flies, doesn't it, sir?

We have to discuss the steel division.

I want some more details.

The annual output of our subsidiary steel mills has to be cut back 15%. It's

only compensation for the tax rise.

So you see, it's a bit of a problem.

Um, that's only your opinion.

Naturally, bud.

I'm going to need your decision.

Give my secretary a memorandum on that one.

Of course, Mr. Emmer.

The Hong Kong problem, sir. We must resolve it.

Details? We've already gone over them. That is your opinion.

Isn't that right? It's only his opinion, isn't it? The unions in the garment

industry have started striking.

Yeah. Well, what I think this situation requires is another memorandum.

And what would you like me to put into this memorandum?

You should put in... You should put in what you just said there a minute ago.

Are you all right, Mr. Raymer?

You write down what he just said.

Shall we terminate the conference?

Oh, yeah, sure.

The conference is hereby terminated.

Let's get out of here. Let's go.

Mr. Rimmer. Yeah? About the demolition case.

No more details, please. Developers say that if we don't get going on the

demolition, we lose the account.

Write a memo.

They tell me that this man, Bruno Koob, won't sign the release. I said write

a... Wait a minute. What's that you were just talking about?

The demolition case. Bruno Koob.

Is this your project?

The demolition. The condo site. We discussed it yesterday.

Let's go.

Three phone men just arrived.

What could it be?

I... Good afternoon, ma 'am. We've come to fix your phone.

We got reports of a disturbance.

Will it take long?

Oh, it should take around... Not more than two hours.

Go on, do it.

The demolition, it's done by my subsidiary? Certainly. Just a minute.

There, just had to get it out of my system. And now, the demolition is

as of today.

I should point out that we signed a contract on this.

We stand to lose a lot of money.

Is it your cash?

Of course not. Mine neither.

Pardon? That's enough. Get out.

Angus.

Agnes, front and center.

Coming.

Time to get divorced, you snake.

Yeah?

Agnes, call up my wife.

Tell her I'll be punctual for my supper.

Oh, and send in my legal advisor.

Excuse me, Mr. Irmer?

The counsel.

The counsel.

Just send in my lawyer.

He's coming. He's coming.

Switch on the tape deck.

Roger.

Who? Roger.

Mr. Rimmer.

Hi.

Your wife is waiting for you in the bedroom, Mr. Rimmer.

In the bedroom?

Ben.

Honey? Honey!

Where are you?

Nice dog. Back to your room.

I'm finished.

If you don't open that door up right now, I'm going to break in and open your

head up.

If you were a little nicer to him, maybe you'd get along.

To hell with that mutt. Darling, don't shout. I'll do what I like, you old

witch.

When you called, we decided to give it another try.

That does it. I was just going there. What are you up to now?

Apologize immediately, or I swear I'll call my lawyer.

What if I don't want to, you old cow?

When Mr. Feldman gets through with you, you'll be out ten million.

Maybe you ought to read this before you make your call.

Listen carefully, Mr. Feldman.

This is Mrs. Emma calling.

Yeah!

Take over.

You want a divorce for half your total assets?

Yeah.

No joke?

I never joke.

You only have to sign.

Here.

Now that we're splitting up, I'll have a nice long visit with my mother.

Oh, good idea.

And maybe... That's it.

So much for the kidnapping.

What in hell happened? She just shot him.

and take me to the airport tomorrow?

Of course.

Boys, he won't get away now.

So don't screw up.

Uh -uh.

Dear,

this is for you.

I can't wait till I'm in my new bikini.

It's kind of a shame we're going off -season, though. The jet set's never

till winter.

I'm the jet set, right? Yes. Right.

Only two days? It's a lot better than nothing.

I sure hope I'm not recognized.

Hasta la vista, muchachos.

Thank you.

I've

been

a Berliner.

I still can't believe you're giving me hands.

You were never like this before.

Oh, it's nothing, really. Mr. Emma?

Yeah. Mr. Emma?

Who? That's me. Yeah.

You want it on the yellow courtesy phone.

Telephone?

Phone call. Must be the office.

Hello, this is Coop. I mean, Emma. Hello, Mr.

Emma. Hello. You sound so near.

That's because I'm right here. Watch it. Hello? So, a pass -cross again.

What are you doing? Let me out of here.

The ransom's two million this time, and you won't escape, Emma.

Ransom? They're kidnapping the wrong Emma. Oh, God. Hey, wait a minute.

to me. Listen to me, will you? I'm an imposter. My name is Bruno Koob. I own a

bar downtown.

Bruno's Bar, you know. Hey, wait a minute. Oh, don't...

What

are you doing down there?

Get lost.

What's with you?

Just do as I say.

Dolly?

Yeah?

Where'd you get that outfit?

You going?

Of course.

You're staying.

You cannot change your mind.

What? You forget our agreement.

The price you pay for freedom.

Divorce?

Half of my worth?

It's Coop.

What's with you?

There'll be no divorce.

Now get back home.

You're crazy.

I'm going to my mother.

Go. Go on. Right ahead.

Left, guys.

You really shouldn't go. Go another.

Mr. Vaughn.

This guy's gonna have glasses and coke. I have to make an urgent phone call. You

go find yourself a taxi. So what about our... This cove is wrecking me.

But the beach... Not now.

My vacation.

Easy, boss.

There. No cutting in line. I was here first. Hey!

Just who do you think you are? Well, thank you. Let's go.

I don't give a damn if you are, Mr. Rimmer.

President has just arrived. Where?

Over there.

What's happening out there?

Help me!

Down you go, Mr. Emmer.

Good morning, Mr. Emmer's office.

Yeah, yeah, good morning to you, too. I just kidnapped your boss.

One moment.

Let me take it down.

Come on, this is kidnapping.

This is a kid -nap -ing.

We're holding your boss, Mr. Emmer, for $2 million ransom.

Got that?

Two million dollars... How's that?

Oh, thank God, Mr. Emmer.

Uh, my decision.

Mr. Emmer just came in. Would you like to speak with him?

That's not possible.

It is, you sleazeball.

Excuse me, Mr. Emmer. Someone just called saying they kidnapped you for two

million dollars ransom.

Oh, really?

Nice try.

Uh, Angus, listen. I want a meeting at 10 o 'clock, all right?

Agnes. Who?

Oh, yeah, her.

And, uh, you come along, too, okay?

The secretary tells me Mr. M is still in his office! Can somebody explain that?

Tell her she's wrong, because he's down in the hole!

Ugh!

Off with the gag.

Mr. Emmer, we need you to talk to your office about your ransom before it's too

late. I'm Bruno Koob, friend.

Can I show you my passport?

Here, have a look at it.

Hmm, that's him. Yeah, but the name's not Emmer. It's Koob.

You guys understand?

Not yet.

We happen to look alike.

How dumb do you think we are?

Off with the glasses.

That means you're not Emma, but you're this guy. Excellent.

Brilliant. All right.

You want this guy?

I can lead you to him.

Again?

Anyhow, as I was saying, we're going to change everything around.

Yeah, thanks.

Thanks.

So we were talking about brainstorming this thing, getting some ideas going.

you want.

Mr. Emmer, would you please rehire me, Mr. Emmer?

Freddy?

From the Orchid Club?

Yes, sir.

Well, if I really fired you, I'll just hire you back

with a double pay.

No, make that triple pay.

Three times?

Sit down.

Thank you, Mr. Emmer. Yeah, sit down.

Sit down.

Okay, now, what's the story with this Bruno's Bar or whatever it is?

I spoke to the subcontractors. It seems that we've lost all of our construction

contracts. What about our monetary losses?

I would estimate the total losses to be around $30 million.

Oh.

That's a good day's work.

All right, then, let's wrap it up.

At last, it's time for my beer.

Oh, just a minute. Hold it.

Yeah.

This is his office.

So, where is he?

Why don't you go take a seat?

Go on.

Hey, get a load of that.

Is that his father?

Yeah.

But it isn't him.

What happens now?

How about a nice shot from the bar?

Hold you for fire.

I was just looking for the bar.

My good friend, there's your man.

Didn't I forbid cigarettes?

Did I or did I not?

Leave it to me. We're good friends.

I believe you changed that rule.

Van Buren.

Yes, Mr. Emmer.

And I believe that I fired you.

Do you remember that happening?

Yeah, I know, but...

You are fired, then.

You said... Oh!

O'Shea.

Get on the phone.

Level that building tonight. As fast as possible.

Whatever you say.

I'll have the dynamite replaced immediately.

Dynamite.

Wonderful.

Uh, wait. I just want to talk. Hello?

Hello? Hello?

What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor

in the morning?

What do you do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do -do?

I hate that dumb song.

Ha!

Give him some food.

And don't let him escape.

Mmm!

Good morning, Mr. Emmer's office.

Listen, dollface, I'm holding your boss here. You again?

Listen, take my advice and think of something else.

This time it'll cost you three million.

And if you don't give it to us, he's a dead man.

Lunchtime.

Yeah, thanks a lot. Listen, uh, excuse me.

Thanks a lot. Hey, should I share this with that woman?

Hmm? That gorgeous woman. She says that she knows you.

Where? Over there.

Well, I made the call.

How's he doing?

Have you seen him?

Who? That man over there looks just like him.

That is him.

Don't you touch him.

I got him.

I think I lost him.

Look.

But I can't see him!

Come on, I'm trying to drive!

That's dangerous.

Come inside.

Do something. Get out.

hell is he?

Hit the gas.

You get away, you stupid idiot.

Get him inside.

Why don't you just tell him to stop the car?

Stop.

No.

Go, go.

Get him before I'll shoot him.

Oh, for Christ's sake. Oh, no.

Oh, my God.

Is it the Democrats?

Hold on tight.

Don't let go. Don't let go.

Nope. We just traded it in.

Stop! Stop!

Please, you guys. Come on. I want to go home.

Look at that.

What?

Gee, I'm awfully glad you guys stopped in for a visit.

Hey.

Hello?

Up here.

Would you...

and get on the telephone to the fire department, please.

Of course I'll rehire you.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Gentlemen, I've come back.

Hello again.

Hello.

Well, where is he?

Where's who, Mr. Emmer? This Bruno Coop, who's been posing as me.

What?

Forget it, Coop. They'll never believe you. That's only your opinion, Coop.

Do I have to throw you out? Or do I have to throw you out? How about an

experiment?

Gentlemen, Van Buren, which one of us is the real Emma?

You are, Mr. Emmer.

And so?

Got a cigarette?

Thank you. Lighter?

I've forbidden smoking.

It's allowed now, Coob.

You goof. Get out. And the rest of you stop.

And no smoking.

What's wrong, gentlemen? Have you all suddenly quit?

Oh, no, Mr. What is the matter with you?

Are you people blind? Can't you even distinguish your boss from a bartender?

I'd say they've been doing that all along.

Right?

End of meeting.

Bye.

Gunners. Agnes.

Come on.

They'll never believe you, Coop.

Write a memo and give it to my secretary.

Okay.

What do you want?

Only what you originally promised me. The cost of the Orchid Club.

Also, my daily salary, $2 ,000 a day, makes about $266 ,324

.33. And no demolition.

You're a fool.

I'll meet you 5 o 'clock sharp with the money at my club.

You'd better come, or I'll come here tomorrow.

And we'll start over again.

It's done to my face.

Have you got the money?

I brought you something better.

In five minutes.

No, make that three minutes. This dump is going to blow up. And you with it,

Coop. And tomorrow, or the day after, when they find you underneath all this

trash, they won't look for the bullet.

You nearly killed me the other day, Bruno.

Oh, you.

You're not after me.

Oh, no.

Help.

Adios, Bruno.

Bruno? Where am I?

In your bar, Bruno.

I don't remember a thing.

Who am I?

Why, you're Bruno. Bruno, you all right?

Bruno? Yeah, yeah, Bruno Koob.

You're a pretty lucky guy.

Bruno Koob.

Yeah, Bruno Koob.

Stay put. I'll go get some help. All right?

Bruno, cool.

Hey,

you're still alive.

Yeah, I am, Mr.

Emmer.

Oh, cut it out. What are you starting with that stuff again for? We're both

lucky to be alive, Mr. Emmer.

My name is Coob.

You leave my bar at once or I'll call the police. Do you understand that?

It's your bar?

Yeah, it's all mine. And I'm not moving off. You can quote me on that.

So it's yours?

I don't care. This is an international franchise and we cannot fall behind

schedule.

Hello, Chicago?

Yeah, all set. We're opening next week as originally planned.

Naturally. And I get 51%. Right.

Cigarettes are not allowed!

Gentlemen, I wish to implement some changes. Of course, Mr. Rimmer.

Now, I want you to pay attention.

O'Shea, from now on, I want you to do Johnson's job.

Of course, Mr. Emmer. Johnson, from now on, I want you to do Ellison's job. Of

course, Mr. Emmer. And Ellison, you'll take over O'Shea's job.

Yes, Mr. Emmer. The rest of you just continue to do what you've always been

doing. Of course, Mr. Emmer.

And you, Van Buren, will become my acting representative.

Really, Mr. Emmer?

Certainly, Van Buren.

What'll you do, Mr. Emmer?

Oh, um... Maybe I'll open up a bar.

Did I say something wrong?

How about a light?