Original subtitles

Have a wonderful stay.

Thank you.

Sup, doggy dogs?

Where can I get a sick, nasty cheeseburger?

I've got to quarterback later.

Down the street, to the right.

All right, all right, all right.

Matthew McConaughey.

Ugh, Derek Jones is such an American asshole.

Yes… but there's something about him.

He's almost…

Beautiful.

I almost forgot. Hold my football.

Campbell's soup.

Good.

You would've made a way better Beautiful Asshole American than this guy.

Yeah, I know. Tell me about it.

I mean, look at him. He's barely beautiful.

He's got no muscle definition in his ears.

Just turn it off, please.

Oh, don't worry about it, Nicky Bear. Other things will come up.

Other things have come up.

That Korean casting director is obsessed with me.

She wanted to offer me a part in the spin-off series, Kissing Hospital,

as Dr. Timothy Gorgeous.

Well, that's amazing! As well they should.

I know, but I had to pass.

I mean, I can't go to Korea.

Molly would fall apart.

Oh, no, she wouldn't. We got your back.

I mean, Arthur would keep her happy, Sofia'd keep her busy,

and I would keep her entertained with my cultural musings.

I mean, what's the deal with artichokes?

Why put "choke" in the name of your food?

You don't get it, Howard.

Our relationship, it goes way deeper than all of that stuff.

I mean, I don't think I could ever leave her.

Even if I wanted to.

I promise you, she'd be okay.

- If… - Uh-oh.

Look who got a fresh mani-pedi and can't use her hands or her feet.

- Yay! Smoothie! - Here you go.

I got so thirsty from sitting.

Okay. I got this.

- I can… - Nope. I got it.

Come to Mama's lips.

Allow me.

Something horrible's happened.

- Nicholas is dead… - What?

…inside.

I'm glad my dramatic pause worked. And I have your…

- attention. - Okay.

Let's not overreact. I know he's been a little down in the dumps lately.

Sometimes he sympathy "PMS-es" with me, but that's not until next week.

I think this is bigger than that.

Don't minimize women's issues!

Okay. Maybe we're a little early.

Coz, do you have any idea how many acting jobs Nicholas has passed on

because of his problematic, codependent relationship with you?

What? I have always supported his acting.

All the jobs he's being offered are in Korea.

Korea? Well, that… No, that's…

He can't move to Korea.

That's not where we live.

I think you and he need to talk.

You've got this all wrong.

I don't think that Korea is the real issue.

I think it's just because I've been spending a lot of time with Arthur,

and he's feeling a little neglected.

Nicholas is like a succulent.

He's prickly and chic, but he does need a little water.

So, I plan to shower him with lots of gifts and attention.

And he'll be back to himself in no time.

I don't think this is a problem you can just throw money at.

I'll give you $10,000 to shut up.

You got it, coz. I'm outta here. Love you.

Morning.

Molly, come on.

Wake up, it's 10:30.

You asked me to wake you up early.

Fuck! Jesus!

- Surprise. - Jesus!

Gotcha!

Why the hell would you do this?

Because we're having a Nicholas day, and I know how much you love Halloween.

I like gay Halloween where you put on a jock strap and you call it a costume.

- Not this shit. - Listen,

I know we haven't spent a lot of quality time together lately, but that ends now.

You and me, we are gonna have so much fun.

Molly, I really don't need this. Can we just go to work?

I planned it all out.

I even taught myself Photoshop,

and I printed out this chic little itinerary.

Couldn't figure out the font size, so the other 700 pages are still printing.

This is gonna be the best day ever!

Okay.

Attaboy. Now, let's set this back up so we can scare Marisol.

She just found out she has heart problems,

so this is really gonna cheer her up.

Thank you all for being here.

I hope everyone got a lot of rest last night

because we are about to absolutely tear this store a new one.

Anything this god on Earth wants is his.

Anything he looks at, he owns.

Are you ready, my dear?

I guess I could use a new sweater.

You heard the man. Start pulling sweaters.

Hello, vest.

Are we looking for the restroom? Is it an emergency?

No, actually,

I'm looking for a dress to wear tonight, and I need some help.

Okay. And what's the occasion?

Chaperoning a prom?

Oh, no.

My husband's company is going public. It's an IPO.

And there's this whole big party tonight, and there'll be lots of press there,

and I just want to look good.

And who's your husband?

John Novak.

Well, Mrs. Novak, you have come to the right place.

Okay, great.

Yeah, it's actually gonna be hard to narrow it down

because you've got the structure to pull off anything.

- Really? That's nice to hear. - Come with me.

Actually, now that I am feeling comfortable,

I really do need to use the bathroom. It is an emergency.

Oh, no problem.

Oh, my God. It's stunning!

Really? It kinda feels like a lot.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Trust me, all this glitz and glamour, it takes some getting used to, but, here.

I am telling you this look was all over Paris Fashion Week.

And I know the perfect clutch.

Don't buy it.

What?

Yeah. Don't buy that.

It doesn't look good, right?

I'm gonna put this as nicely as I possibly can, but…

you look like a Muppet got fucked by a Christmas tree.

Oh, my God.

I look like I got sprayed with rubber cement

and rolled through a Hobby Lobby.

The only reason he's showing you this,

is because it's the most expensive piece on the floor.

He works on commission, and he sucks ass.

Except he doesn't, actually.

Do you wanna know something really disgusting?

- He's straight. - No!

Yeah. He listens to Hoobastank at lunch.

That motherfucker.

I let him listen to me pee.

You know, I think you'd look really good in this.

Yeah?

Yeah. He would never show it to you 'cause it's cheaper, but trust me.

Okay, I will.

Thank you.

Where's that cute guy with the swoopy hair who was helping me?

He won't be bothering you anymore.

- And I am so sorry. - No. I didn't mind it.

I actually wanted to thank him.

Sweetie, where is that other dress? It looked so fierce on you.

This fag was speechless.

You're not allowed to say that because you're straight, Hoobastank.

And I want this dress, so let me have it.

That's what she said.

Oh, my God!

You better stop, drop and roll, because this hooker's on fire!

I'm sorry. I am morning drunk.

This is really nice. Thank you.

We're buying everything, guys.

- Are you ready for our next stop? - Okay.

Molly, this is all so generous, but we can go home now.

I know I've been down recently, but this is all just so…

Today's not about expressing our feelings.

It is about obliterating them with my vast resources.

Now, let's go to the next stop!

No time to waste!

Okay. Welcome to your next surprise.

My gym? But I've already taken two classes this morning,

plus an ass shredder. My ass is completely shredded.

Oh, we are not here for a regular old workout.

A headset?

You don't mean…

You're the captain now.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Brody, Brody, Jody and Brody.

My favorite instructors.

And Jody, I hope your affairs are in order

because today is your fucking funeral!

Chests up, FUPAs in, boys.

Pedal, pedal.

Pedal away from your Midwestern hometown.

Jesus, fuck. You call that a push-up?

Throw those tits into it!

Deeper! Deeper!

Squat like you hate yourselves!

Your middle school bully is chasing you.

He knows you like art, and now he wants you dead.

Are you fucking kidding me…

…Judy? I don't have anywhere else to go!

Nick, you've been late on the rent three months in a row.

And now you've lost your job.

We can't keep floating you forever. We live on a fixed income.

And you're not even helping with the jigsaw puzzle.

Oh, suck my dick, Clarisse.

I'm the one who found the parrot's eye!

Excuse me.

What are you doing here?

I told your straight boss I'd out him if he didn't give me your address, so…

Okay. Quick to blackmail. I love it.

I heard you got fired from the store, and I feel really bad about it.

Clarisse, is it?

How much does Nick owe in rent? I can pay it.

Actually, could you two just fuck off?

Mrs. Novak, I can't take your money.

That's so generous, but I'll figure something out.

I got the dress.

You were right.

You know, I had a feeling.

Wow. You have a very charming place.

Is all that your medicine?

You know, they have so many pills, and none of them are fun.

Well, it's very cozy.

I just moved into a new house, and it's all metal and glass.

So, I feel like I'm living in a microwave.

You know, I… I should go.

What are you gonna do with your hair tonight?

Well, I'm definitely gonna wash it and then brush it.

Come with me.

Oh, my God. Your life must be so insane right now.

It's gotten to a new level. I mean, it's crazy.

Like, our new house, it has a room just for our skis.

- And I've never been skiing. - Oh, who would want to go skiing?

I mean, "I-I want to be cold, but I also want to have a sunburn."

And you're like, "I… I wanna put on sticks and fall down a mountain."

Okay, that's good.

Well, I shouldn't complain, you know?

It's been really exciting, obviously, all this happening to John.

But…

But… I have been a little lonely, you know?

I mean, he works a lot more than he used to,

and he travels all the time,

and when we're together, I feel like he's somewhere else.

That's tough.

I mean, what he's doing is so important. And he's changing the world.

Okay, I'm sorry, fuck that.

The only person changing the world right now is Andy Cohen.

I don't care how rich your husband gets,

if you're lonely, then he needs to fix that.

'Cause I've known you for, like, 45 minutes,

and I'm already obsessed with you, okay?

And you are gonna look so good at that party tonight

that he's going to be obsessed with you too.

Trust me.

And we're here.

This is the best salon in all of Beverly Hills, if not the world.

There's an eight-month-long wait list to get into this place.

So, how are we going to get in if we don't have an appointment?

Uh-huh. Well, you're the one who wanted to be on Bravo, so…

Padma, I have to go. I'm at this stupid fucking salon.

Hi. I'm here with Molly Novak for her 11:00 a.m.

Who? I'm not seeing that name in our system.

Oh, nice try, sweetheart. Okay, here's her credit card.

She's got her husband's IPO party tonight, which she's gonna miss

if you don't get that clip-in ponytail in gear, okay?

Let's go! Let's do this!

Move it. We'll rinse you in the toilet.

My darling. Have a seat.

Thank you.

So… What are we thinking today?

I don't know.

Maybe an updo with tendrils?

Is that still fancy?

I know exactly what she needs.

Thank God.

Are you gonna get me some champagne now? Or are we animals?

Let's go!

Oh, my God.

My God. Brody 2 has such an embarrassing cry face.

Oh, seriously, babe, today has been above and beyond.

Well, we're not done yet.

Welcome to the finale.

Hi there, Nicholas.

Kesha Rose Sebert?

A little birdie told me that you're my biggest fan in the entire world.

Tweet, tweet. I'm the little birdie.

When I saw you sing "We R Who We R" on Australian X Factor in 2010,

something inside of me ejaculated.

I appreciate that.

And your friend Molly wanted to show you

some appreciation for everything you've done for her.

So sit down.

Are you a man? 'Cause I'm a bitch

I'm already rich Just looking for that

This party sucks I'm 'bout to ditch

Don't even try to gi-give me shit

I've earned the right To b-be like this

This is unbelievable.

Look, I'm really sorry I've been a little off lately.

I mean, look at everything you've done for me today.

How could I want anything else?

I'm the luckiest guy in the world. Seriously, I feel like…

Can you guys stop talking during the song?

It's really distracting.

Distracting for who, Kesha?

We adore you, Kesha,

but you're being very well-compensated to help facilitate this emotional moment.

Copy that.

Joyride, joyride

I'm just looking For a good time tonight

Baby, I want you to rev my engine Till you make it purr

Keep it kinky, but I come first

Beep-beep, bitch, I'm outside

Get in, loser, for the joyride

Okay. You're my masterpiece.

- Stop. - I'm being serious.

You look fucking incredible. All credit to me.

You're gonna turn every head at that party.

That's John.

Hey, babe. I was just gonna call you.

I need the car to come get me. I'm in a 55-plus community called Final Oaks.

There's always an ambulance out front.

Hello, babe? Can you hear me?

Hey, so about tonight…

I was thinking it's gonna be so boring for you.

- No… - Maybe you shouldn't come.

What? No. I'm excited about it.

Yeah, right, Molly. You hate these things as much as I do.

No. No, I'm all dressed, and I got a haircut.

You cut your hair? Why?

Look, I'm gonna be so busy schmoozing,

we're not even gonna get to hang out tonight.

So how about this… After the IPO, you and me go somewhere tropical.

There's this island for sale. We can afford that now.

That's nice, right?

Yeah, that's fine.

That's sounds good.

Have fun tonight, John.

Barf. I'll try. Love you, babe. Got to run.

Love you too, babe.

Change of plans. We decided he should go to the party solo.

I'm sorry.

No, it's… It's a work event anyway.

And those VC guys are douchebags, so it wasn't gonna be any fun.

Well, you know what would be fun?

You and I are going out dancing.

No. Really. I've already taken up too much of your time…

- Shut your mouth. - What?

You are the most gorgeous woman alive right now, okay? We're going out.

I like how you're kind of a bitch.

I like how you're kind of a bitch.

So, let's do this.

The night awaits, milady.

Lead the way, milord.

I'm actually excited to go dancing.

Are people still doing the Roger Rabbit?

No.

Wait. Did we…

Sweetie, no. And we never will.

Yeah, totally.

I mean, I'm… I knew that.

And that would've been weird, so…

- But last night was fun, huh? - Yeah.

The parts of it I can remember were pretty epic.

You are a great dancer.

Well, I had a good partner.

You hungry?

I'm starving.

Well, I hope you like cereal because it's all I can afford.

Hey, I just wanna thank you for last night. I really needed that.

As you can probably tell, things aren't going so great for me at the moment.

Same. I mean, look around.

Grandma's graveyard.

Hey, would you ever consider working for me?

What do you mean?

Well, rich ladies have assistants.

You need a job, right?

Very badly.

But what would that even look like? I mean, what's the job description?

I don't know. I mean…

Let's put it in the contract.

Okay.

May 10th, 2011.

- Molly and Nick… - Nicholas.

Nicholas… hereby agree to what?

Always take care of each other.

Forever.

Perfect.

Is this a good starting salary?

Yeah. This will work for me.

Okay.

Goodbye forever, Judy!

And, yeah, I fucked your nephew in here!

Oh, you're up.

Thank you so much for yesterday. I feel like a brand-new man.

And don't tell anyone, but I stole Kesha's AirPods,

and I slept with them under my pillow.

What do you want for breakfast?

Actually…

I made breakfast.

Okay. We haven't had that in a million years.

I know.

So…

I wanted to talk to you about something.

Long time ago, that day that we met,

do you remember the promise that we made to each other?

I cannot believe you kept this.

Listen…

I feel like I haven't been holding up my end of things.

Howard told me about Korea.

Oh, God. That… That is so not a big deal. You do not have to worry about that.

I think it is a big deal.

I think that I've been holding you back.

And you've sacrificed everything for me.

And I think the best way for me to take care of you right now… is…

to let you live your own life.

I mean, what would I even do?

Sweetie, you did all this.

If there's anyone on Earth I have the confidence can do anything…

it's you.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Okay.

It's just…

I really don't know what I'm gonna do without you.

Well, I thought about that,

and I got you something to remember me by.

Oh, my God.

This is not the Balmain coat that I've been w…

Well, I really don't want that.

I love you.

I know.

I love you too.