Original subtitles

Narrator: Coming up, what's got Sal cruising for cougars?

Would you be willing to shave all the hair off your body

and meet on Tuesdays? No.

[ Laughter ]

Narrator: What's got Joe saying, "H2-Oh, no"?

You're a filthy, filthy man.

[ Laughter ]

And which losing joker will nearly combust

in tonight's secret, spontaneous punishment?

[ Tires screech ]

Sal: Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ Laughter ]

Murr: I want my mommy!

[ Laughter ]

Sal: I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ Laughter ]

We are at the Palisades Mall

playing everybody's favorite "Wheel of Doom" knockoff...

All: "Wheel of Faces"!

We'll have to pick a random task

out of this officially licensed red nylon bag

and then use the officially licensed "I.J." bow and arrow

to shoot at the spinning wheel, also officially licensed.

Whosever face it lands on

must complete that ridiculous task.

If you can't complete the ridiculous task, you lose.

-Fellas... -Here we go.

...it's back.

Let's see what the trademarked bag has for you.

"Walk around barefoot and ask mall-goers,

'Can I talk to you a little about your family?'"

[ Laughter ]

I'm not getting barefoot.

Well, you might not have to. Just take a shot.

I want you to know, I'm trying my best.

And as usual, it's not good enough.

Here you go.

-Oh! -Oh!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

That's what you get for opening your mouth!

It's your fourth shot.

Play 'em all.

[Bleep]

[Bleep]

Oh!

[ Chuckling ] Why did we let him hit -- do it first?

[ Laughter ]

That's weird already.

Barefoot man in a mall, talking about your family.

You don't answer those questions, right?

[ Laughter ]

Can I talk to you about your family real quick?

[ Laughs ]

Can I talk to you about your family?

[ Laughter ]

Can I talk to you a little bit about your family?

I mean, I'm just a guy in a mall.

I'm just wondering, like, how --

how close would you say you are with your parents?

Yeah. Uh...

Pretty close? Not so close?

All right.

[ Laughter ]

Sal: He's still looking.

Try and figure it out. You'll never figure it out.

[ Laughter ]

He's looking at his feet.

[ Laughter ]

All right.

-[ Laughs ] -"You weirdo."

[ Ding! ]

-All right. -Here we go, Q.

Ho-ho!

-Oh-ho-ho! -Oh, it's a good one.

"Get a thank you for a massage without talking."

-Oh! -Oh, that's tough.

That's insane. That's trouble.

[ Laughter ]

[Bleep]. You've got to be kidding me!

♪

-[ Laughs ] -This is tough.

There he goes.

[ Laughter ]

No.

[ Laughter ]

Oh!

And the first attempt goes exactly how we thought it would.

How about this little kid in pink?

Any challenge that starts with,

"How about this little kid in pink?" the answer is "no."

Don't do it. Are you kidding me?

He might say thank you.

Oh, good, do it in a bra shop.

[ Laughter ]

Here's a home run idea -- "Don't talk.

Touch a young child in a bra shop."

Uh-oh. Oh.

Oh, no.

♪

[ Laughing ] Oh, this is so weird.

What do you -- What do you say, you little [bleep]?

[ Laughter ]

You can't talk, though.

How was that kid raised? You don't say thank you?

A grown man comes up to you in a mall and gives you a massage,

you don't say thank you?

[ Laughter ]

Uh...

Oh, here he goes. Here he goes.

-3:00. -Ah, all right.

[ Laughter ]

He got it!

Holy [bleep]

[ Ding! ]

-Here it is, fellas. -All right, Joey.

Boom! This is it, right here. What's happening?

"Recruit people for your cult."

-[ Laughs ] -Aw.

We are off the deep end today.

Please, don't be me!

[ Laughter ]

I knew I wasn't getting out of this [bleep] day

without doing anything.

I got an itchy top of the foot.

That's, like, the worst thing in the world --

the itchy top of the foot.

Yeah, that's weird.

You know that? It's a bad spot.

Also, worst place in the world to have an itch --

on the count of 3.

-To have an itch? -Yeah. 1, 2, 3.

-Inside your [bleep] -Inside your [bleep]

-Hey! -Right?

[ Laughter ]

-Here we go. -You have to recruit someone.

It's not just talk to people about your cult,

it's recruit somebody.

I'm recruiting people for a cult.

-Do you want in, or... -No.

Come on.

[ Laughter ]

You guys ever drink blood?

[ Laughs ]

'Cause have I got the club for you.

[ Laughter ]

Excuse me.

Would you be willing to shave all the hair off your body

and meet on Tuesdays? No.

[ Laughter ]

You might want to work on your opening line.

I'm just trying to help you out as a friend.

It's a cult. I'm trying to hit the bottom line.

All right. Well, maybe don't go in so hot.

I mean, soft-serve it a little bit, buddy.

Hey, can I ask you a question?

Are you sometimes looking for a way out?

Yeah, like, a way out.

Like, just looking for something different.

Oh, not of the mall.

She's talking about the exit.

Oh?

Like, out of -- just, like, out of --

escaping, like, our mundane lives and stuff?

'Cause I have some materials

that, uh, that if you'd like to read them,

I can give them to you.

Well, I-I-I meet -- I meet with a group.

It's, like, a support group.

Uh, or cult or whatever. And, um...

[ Laughter ]

We get together on Wednesdays and Sunday evenings.

We watch, like, movies and we have, like,

fun social events and stuff like that.

You may or may not have to bear a child with Ramstein.

[ Laughter ]

-Ramstein. -"Bear children with Ramstein."

There's finger foods.

And we have sing-alongs and stuff.

It's a lot like a party or a cult or whatever.

[ Laughter ]

It's like a compound,

so if people want to crash there, we can.

You don't -- You don't have to marry the leader.

You could if you want. You don't have to.

There's fondue. [ Laughter ]

All right. It's a straight-up cult.

[ Laughter ]

You didn't recruit her. You just talked to her, so...

I'm not gonna recruit anyone right now.

[ Buzzer ]

Here we go, here we go.

"Have someone check your breasts and ass for lumps."

[ Laughter ]

Well, they're gonna find them if it's one of us three.

[ Laughter ]

Don't be me!

Who is it?!

-It's still spinning. -It's yellow!

Yes! [ Laughter ]

-Right in my face. -Oh, man!

-Thank you! -I-I haven't gone.

-Whew! -Well, let's do it.

Get them -- Get them titties checked, baby.

-I got an issue, boys. -Yeah.

I think there's an issue with my lumps.

Oh. Your lovely Gatto lumps?

Player, real quick,

you look like you know the way around a titty.

Will you check me for lumps?

Check me for a lump real quick? I feel something.

I need a second opinion. You help me out?

Come here. Bro, come here.

Come here.

Come here!

[ Laughter ]

Hey, bud, how are you? Let me ask you something.

You feel that for me? I feel, like, a lump.

Yeah, go ahead, give a feel.

Good?

No. Is it all right?

'Cause I've been feeling lumps everywhere. You feel that one?

Will you give that a squeeze?

Come on, come on, Joe. Get him.

I'm just checking for -- checking a lump here.

Go ahead. You're up.

Just do it. Go ahead, man.

Go ahead.

It's right there. Go ahead.

I think I have a lump. Help me out, man.

It's Bro Code.

It's Bro -- He's got him with the Bro Code.

I might have a lump. I might have a lump. No, no.

Just figure out the lu-- Just figure out the --

Just figure out the lump.

I'm just seeing if there's a lump.

[ Laughter ]

♪

I might have a lump. I might have a lump.

-Just figure out the lu-- -Joe, you're so close.

Just figure out the lump.

I'm just seeing if there's a lump. Come on, man.

I think I have a lump. Will you help me out, man?

It's Bro Code.

[ Laughter ]

-See if there's a lump. -But I can't.

Go. Go ahead, you got it. There you go.

-Thanks, man. -Success!

He did it! He did it!

[ Applause ]

That is a win, Joe!

Lumpity-lump-lump.

[ Ding! ]

Narrator: Sal couldn't get any followers,

so he's leading the way to the loser board.

Today we're working at The Bean coffee shop,

playing a game called "Did I Deserve That?"

While manning the counter,

the other guys will send an angry "customer"

to throw a cup of water in our face.

And what did we do wrong? We don't know.

But we're gonna find out,

and we're gonna have to defend it.

If you can't get the onlookers to agree

that you didn't deserve it, you lose.

-We deserve it. -We always deserve it.

We generally deserve it.

♪

To go? No.

You're gonna have it here? Okay.

He's gonna have it here.

All right, send in the actor.

-Here you go, Sal. -Here you go.

[Bleep]

[ Laughter ]

-Oh! -Direct hit.

Look at the water on his beard.

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughter ]

I -- What happened was I...

I lit incense in the carpool, and it went badly.

I lit incense dur--

[ Laughter ]

I lit incense during a carpool, and it went poorly.

Not everyone likes patchouli. I do.

[ Laughter ]

It was too early in the morning.

He's still got water on his glasses.

I mean, I'm the one driving.

[ Laughter ]

He doesn't even give me gas money.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah?

Aw, he's serving you up! He feels bad for him.

I-I didn't deserve it?

-Oh! -I think he deserved it.

Yeah.

Not everyone likes patchouli.

[ Ding! ]

So, is this your first time here, or...

No, I come in here. I work next door.

There you go.

All right, Q, let's go. Here we go.

-So, you're our neighbor? -Yeah.

I like that. That's excellent, because --

You're getting off lucky!

[ Laughter ]

Geez Louise! That had some real force behind it.

"I wouldn't stop doing slapstick at Pop-pop's eulogy."

I wouldn't stop doing slapstick at his Pop-pop's eulogy.

[ Laughter ]

So I guess he's still pissed about it.

But, like, everybody's grandfather dies.

"What happened was, my chair was uneven."

What happened was, my chair was uneven.

The first time, I fell off the chair.

I'll admit, it was by accident, but it got a laugh.

[ Laughter ]

I got a seltzer thing,

and I hosed them all down with seltzer.

[ Laughter ]

You know what really pissed him off

was when I put, like, a red nose on his Pop-Pop.

[ Laughter ]

You can't lighten up a funeral these days?

Right? Either way, did I deserve that?

-Oh! -Oh!

Everyone is letting us off the hook.

Your coffee's on me, buddy. Your coffee's on me.

[ Ding! ]

Mm-hmm.

Can we get a lock on that dessert case?

[ Laughter ]

Here we are, here we are.

So, just a small black coffee?

-Oh, snap! -[ Laughs ]

I hope that starts to clean you up,

'cause you're a filthy, filthy man.

Recycle that.

[ Laughter ]

I knew he'd have a beef.

"I mean, I broke into his house

and redecorated his child's bedroom."

[ Laughter ]

Here we are, here we are.

Uh, so, just a small black coffee?

I hope that starts to clean you up,

'cause you're a filthy, filthy man.

Recycle that.

[ Laughter ]

"I broke into his house

and redecorated his child's bedroom."

[ Laughter ]

I broke into his house and redecorated his kid's room...

to help him out because they're having a tough time.

He's my neighbor up the street.

So I broke into the house, threw up some crown molding.

I painted, like, a nice little animal mural.

"I mean, the kid woke up, he was screaming."

The kid woke up screaming,

because I didn't know he had a fear of zebras,

but also I was kind of just...

[ Laughter ]

It was 2:00 a.m., and I had power tools,

and I thought he would sleep through it.

Do you -- Do you think I deserved that, though?

You don't think anybody deserves that?

-Oh! -How does he not deserve it?!

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

Your coffee. There you go. You're all set.

-Thanks a lot. -Here we go.

How often do you come here to -- Whoa!

You will never get away with this!

[ Laughter ]

-The whole place! -[ Laughs ]

[ Sighs ] That guy.

[ Laughing ] "That guy."

"I ate a chocolate bar from his wife's hands."

I ate a chocolate bar from his wife's hands.

[ Laughter ]

Last week, they came in. His wife was here.

She had chocolate in her hands, so I ate it.

I didn't know that, in his culture,

that's the same as asking for her hand in marriage.

[ Laughter ]

He thought I was interested in his wife.

-I see chocolate... -I see chocolate...

...I eat chocolate.

...I eat it.

That's how I was raised.

[ Laughter ]

Do you think I deserved that?

Honestly? Probably not, right?

-Aw! -Aw!

I didn't deserve that.

[ Laughter and applause ]

[ Ding! ]

Narrator: None of the jokers deserved any of that,

so it's still just Sal on the loser board.

Today we're in the park, playing real-life heroes.

That's right, a child just like this one

will attempt to shoot a complete stranger with his water gun.

And right before he does,

we have to jump in front of him and take the bullet.

And right after we save the day, the other guys are gonna tell us

to say a really awful line to the stranger,

that turns us from a hero into a zero.

If you can't get out that reputation-ruining line,

you lose.

Okay, Sal, you got to save this woman's life.

-He's going in. -There you go.

-Aw! Seriously? -Oh!

-The kid dropped the gun. -Did the kid just fall?

The kid just dropped the gun.

-You all right? -Yeah.

Are your hands okay?

I'm cool. And I just had fun.

Okay, good. We'll do it again.

Don't worry about it.

So, that makes the cut, right?

[ Laughter ]

-Hurry, hurry. -He's coming.

-Go, go! -Hurry, hurry.

She's gonna leave. It's not gonna work.

No. No, no. No, no.

Stick 'em up.

-Sal. -Sal.

It was perfect. She was standing.

What are you doing?

That's the woman.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, she was leaving, so...abort.

She knew -- Come here, sit.

Seriously?

It was great. She went like this.

I got confused.

No, no, you did well,

but the point is, I want her to be sitting here.

And when she got up to leave, it wouldn't --

She was already walking away.

It wouldn't have done it the right way.

So we're gonna pick a different person, okay?

I mean, we can make an audible of this whole thing,

just to make this a punishment for Sal

and make the kids keep [bleep] up the whole day.

-Oh, my -- Oh, my God. -[ Laughs ]

-Yeah. -Can we do that?

This kid's gold.

If he keeps messing up, it's gonna drive Sal crazy,

so let's just make it a punishment for Sal.

I don't know. Is that against the rules?

What rules? We make the rules.

-We are the rules. -Aha!

We make everything go wrong for the rest of Sal's turn?

Okay. We have tonight's loser.

Narrator: Okay, then.

With the only thumbs-down on the board,

that makes Sal tonight's big loser.

All right, Sal,

the lady enjoying the day, with no sleeves on.

So, now we're gonna have the kid shoot the wrong person entirely?

-Yeah. -Great.

-We're ready. -Okay, the kid's ready.

Here, look, look, look, look, look.

-Stick 'em up. -What? All right you...

Oh, my God.

[ Laughter ]

What the hell?

It's the wrong [bleep] lady.

Guys, you got to be [bleep] kidding me.

He's getting angrier faster than I thought he would.

Oh, I know, this is much faster than I thought.

Come on, guys.

-We'll get this right. -Here we go.

All right, so, what did you guys do now?

He's gonna go shoot him. The water gun's gonna be empty.

And he's gonna go, "Oh, it's empty," and then run off.

I got it.

-Here we go. -Here we go, here we go.

-He's coming, he's coming. -Here we go, Sal.

Aw, it's empty.

[ Laughs ]

Should -- Should we pull this kid out?

He's -- He's really bad.

Sal's coming over.

Sal's coming over.

♪

All right, so, what did you guys do now?

He's gonna go shoot him. The water gun's gonna be empty.

And he's gonna go, "Oh, it's empty," and then run off.

I got it.

Aw, it's empty.

[ Laughs ]

Sal's coming over.

Sal's coming over.

The kid's not getting his job done.

We have four kids. Use a different [bleep] kid.

-Can anyone guess? -No.

Just now, not only did he say it was empty,

but he ran around to me and just shot me.

-All right, problem solved. -Simple solution.

♪

Send the kid right now. Sal's not ready, right?

Stick 'em up!

[ Laughter ]

Okay, this is a joke. This is totally a joke.

You guys are playing a joke on me.

♪

Change the bit.

I'm done with the bit. I'm done with it.

I feel like I'm in the [bleep] Twilight Zone.

I've never seen a breakdown like this, five years of the show.

He ran up and shot her. Everything was wrong.

She's soaked.

Why -- Why was the kid released so quick?

Why did he say "go"?

I told the kid to --

Are you guys -- Are you guys playing a joke on me?

Are you guys playing a joke on me?

No.

Guys, this is [bleep] insane, guys.

This is [bleep] insane.

He just went, "Stick 'em up," shot the lady,

soaked her, then ran away.

No, that wasn't the kid's fault.

They sent him way too early.

Pete said "go," and Chase thought he was talking to Chase.

-No, I said not -- -I'm not blaming the kids.

But the kids know, from the second we got here

that it was supposed to -- I'm supposed to block it.

Yeah. So, what the [bleep] is going on here now?

Can we just go?

All right, come on, reset, reset, reset.

Reset. Reset.

-We're doing a good job acting. -We were pretty good.

Okay, ready to go. Here we go.

♪

-Oh, guys, hello? -Yeah?

Um, tell him not to yell "Stick em' up" loud.

Don't yell "Stick 'em up" loud. You got that?

'Cause it is very quiet over here.

-Got it. -Now we know.

Here we go. Yeah, bud.

Here he comes, Sal. Ready?

Stick 'em up!!

No. Wait, wait, wait.

What the [bleep]?

Oh, my God.

This is exactly where we want it.

I'm not doing this bull[bleep]. Someone else go.

This is [bleep] ridiculous.

Why are you -- Turn it off, turn it off.

Turn it off.

-Guys. Guys. -He got the right person.

He screamed like it was [bleep] -- like crazy.

He got the right person, though.

You were supposed to jump in front of him.

[ Water guns squirting ]

Get off [bleep]

We're -- We're here at the park for Sal's punishment today.

He had the idea

that he was gonna be working with child actors.

And of course, nothing's gonna go right.

[ Laughter ]

What Sal doesn't know is that we told the kids to mess up,

and had our whole crew in on it to punish our boy Sal.

[ Laughter ]

Guys, enough with the pranks.

How long have we known this was happening?

I thought of it right now, in the beginning.

-No, you didn't. -I swear to God.

When we came here today?

-It was not a punishment. -It was not a punishment.

Oh, God. [ Laughter ]

Oh, I love watching your blood boil.

Oh, you [bleep]

[ Laughter ]