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There you are. Come on.

Chop, chop.

- Liquorice. - So, first date.

All ready for dinner with Minxie Meg, the librarian?

I would be if I wasn't on the phone to you.

What's on the menu?

For starters, I've made chicken liver pate.

Let me stop you there.

- Chicken liver? - It's quick.

It's tasty.

It's the liver of a chicken, Alphy.

And offal doesn't say romance?

What's the main course? Tripe?

You really aren't helping my nerves here, Geordie.

You've got nothing to worry about.

What if she hates the dog

or I give her food poisoning?

Well, you've got those things to worry about, sure.

Alphy.

You're delightful and she's delightful.

- Don't overthink it. - Don't overthink it.

- I can do that. - And the flowers?

Flowers?

Have you got flowers?

Should I have flowers?

The boy's an amateur.

Sorry.

Oh, I say, what a to-do, what a to-do, what a to-do.

Oh, I...

Oh, I say, what a to-do, what a to-do, what a to-do.

Do it again, David.

- He's such a card. - Go on, David, show him.

It's hilarious.

What are you doing?

We were watching that.

Don't happen to think it's very funny, that's all.

- Hello? - Boss?

Sorry to call you on your night off.

Boss?

I'm here.

What is it, Larry?

What do we think?

She's the bishop's daughter.

God forbid she sees my clavicle.

This could be the future Mrs Kottaram.

Whoa, whoa. Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

One error could ruin your entire future.

Oh, well, that's put me at ease. Thank you.

- You want me to go, don't you? - Very much so, yes.

I'll get it.

- Miss Grey. - Mrs Chapman.

- She's just leaving. - Aren't you looking smashing?

- Doesn't she look smashing? - Love to Jack, Mrs C.

He's been a bag of nerves all day, bless him.

- All a fluster. - Not really.

Liar.

Do you like slow gin?

I can't say I've ever tried it.

I'll get out my special batch.

Usually only comes out at funerals.

Oh, that funeral can be arranged.

Have fun.

Not too much fun.

You do, by the way.

Do what?

Look smashing.

Thank you.

Likewise.

Alphy, can we make a pact?

- Sure. - That if this evening

- doesn't work out... - If we run out of things to say.

- Or I insult your cooking. - Or we disagree on politics.

- Or there's just... - Absolutely no spark.

Then we shake hands and part on good terms.

Maybe meet for a coffee once in a while?

That's not going to happen.

No?

I can't stand coffee.

What time did you last see her alive?

Wakey, wakey.

Drunk as a skunk.

Why does it always have to be Saturday night?

Do you know what Saturday night should be, Larry?

- Steak and onions? - Steak and onions.

Stab wound.

Narrow blade by the looks of it.

Mrs Tassel ran the place.

- Mrs Tassel? - Of Tassel Strip Club.

- The club isn't named after her. - Isn't it?

Have you never been to a strip club, Larry?

The whole thing makes me feel a bit queasy, if I'm honest.

I can explain it to him if you want.

No, not necessary, Miss...

Kitty. But you can call me whatever you like, sweetheart.

Kitty'll do.

- Where's the cash? - Should be in that box.

Stanley here's the doorman.

Doorman, barman, general dog's body.

- Busy night? - Yeah, should be a good 50 quid

in there.

Some bugger's nicked it.

- So she's sitting here? - Watching Joan give her Salome.

That one's lost on me, too.

Midway through, she just slumped.

Girls thought she'd had one too many.

She always has one too many.

- No-one stabbed her? - No-one touched her.

She just...

Like a great big sack of potatoes.

- Where were you? - Upstairs, on the door.

I want all these fellas interviewed.

- Any other girls? - Joan.

- I'll want to talk to her, too. - You'll have a hard job of that.

She left with the vicar.

The vicar?

You wait there for me. Follow me, sir.

Mind your head.

Thank you, handsome.

Sneaky Pete's.

- Know where it is? - Down by the river.

Maybe there's a bit of rivalry going on.

What do you reckon?

Sneaky Pete's bumping off the competition?

Get down there, see what you can find.

Oh, and get uniform on the lookout

- for a stripper and a vicar. - Shouldn't be too hard to find.

Kitty!

Make that two strippers and a vicar.

Bon appetit.

It's more edible than it looks.

I'm not going to make love to you.

I'm sorry?

I just want to get that out of the way

so that there isn't any expectation.

There aren't any expectations.

So the candlelight and the flowers?

- The flowers weren't my idea. - Just feels a bit wooey.

- Wooey? - I just don't want you expecting

we'll go straight to the main course, as it were.

All I was expecting was some good conversation.

- Not even a bit of kissing? - Well, I didn't like to presume.

Glad to hear it.

Yoo-hoo! Only me!

I'll be right back.

- I couldn't leave. - Yes, you could.

Just found these two wandering in the churchyard.

If he calls me poppet once, I will not be responsible

for my actions.

Everything's going to be fine.

David?

Alphy, my boy.

- How are we? - Busy, as it happens.

This is Joan, the Reverend's niece.

- Your niece. - Apparently so.

- Joan, Alphy. It's a pleasure. - Pleasure's all mine, darling.

- Is the study free? - Now is really not a good time.

I wouldn't be asking if it wasn't of vital

clerical importance.

Can't you go to the bishop?

No. No.

He cannot know about any of this.

I don't mean to be alarmist, but you've cremated the toast.

Mr Lane.

David, you know Miss Grey, the bishop's daughter?

Of course.

The bishop's daughter.

Well, this is, erm...

This really is, erm...

Isn't it just?

Alphy, I know we haven't always seen eye to eye,

but I really need your help.

Do you mind?

Who am I to get in the way of vital clerical importance?

How do you feel about burnt toast?

- Quite partial as it happens. - Marvellous.

- Shall we? - Can I take your coat, miss?

Probably best if you don't.

- With regard to my niece... - David, we both know

she's not your niece.

The thing is, she's in a touch of bother.

The kind that requires sanctuary.

Technically, that only applies to the church.

Yes, we tried the church. It was locked.

What are you seeking sanctuary from, exactly?

Well, in a roundabout way, it's all to do with King Herod.

Alphy!

Visitor!

Is the vicar here?

- Which one? - David.

He'll do, though.

- Hello, handsome. - Hello.

He said he'd be in the church, but it's locked.

- Ah, another niece. - Oh, no.

I'm here because of the murder.

How'd you find me?

- Bike. Car. - Who's he calling a bike?

- We followed you, Kit. - Oh.

I think I'd better come in.

I think you'd better.

Is now a good time?

Well, it depends on your definition of good.

Daniel and I have had the most dreadful argument.

I said he's been away far too long.

He called me self-centred. Me.

I'm not the one who thinks the world revolves around him.

I'm not the one who acts like no one else exists.

Leonard.

Oh.

Hello.

Well, this looks...

Do you know, I'm not actually sure what this looks like.

It's a copper, two vicars, two strippers.

You're strippers?

I prefer carnal artiste.

I'm just here for the food.

Well, I should probably just go.

No, stay, why don't you?

Yeah, stay, why don't you?

This is nice.

Hello, handsome.

Everyone who witnessed a murder today, hands up.

Right, you lot. Statements. Starting with you.

Geordie.

I'm on a date.

Correction, you were on a date.

You're not leaving, are you?

I'm a librarian.

A librarian who is also a bishop's daughter.

- Not your usual dinner guests. - It's not the girls I object to.

It's that horrid little man, Reverend Lane.

Yeah, well, I nearly punched him once, so...

I don't usually advocate violence, but in his case...

Stay. Please.

There's crumble.

I do love crumble.

It will be just the two of us soon, I promise.

Anyone hungry?

He's made my famous coq au vin.

Rather partial to a coq au vin myself.

Aren't we all, darling?

Leonard, you get the plates.

Just the two of us, you say.

Alphy!

I'll be right back.

Truth time, Reverend.

Which one?

You.

What were you doing at the strip club?

One might ask what you're doing, cavorting with

the bishop's daughter.

I don't think the two are morally equivalent, David.

I minister to the girls.

Stanley says you help them with their artistry.

Well, they needed direction.

Before I stepped in, Kitty looked like

she was hurling grenades at enemy lines.

Come on, David. This isn't about artistry.

Jesus befriended the destitute, the tax collectors,

the prostitutes.

I am just following his fine example.

Funny.

He didn't choose to hang about down the tax office.

These girls are troubled.

They're drunks.

They're also, I'm not sure if you've noticed,

cavorting about in their birthday suits.

It's all very tasteful.

They keep their harvest festivals firmly on.

- Their what? - Their drawers.

I call them their harvest festivals

because all is safely gathered in.

- The woman who died? - Madam.

You saw what happened to her?

Yes.

- So what happened? - I have absolutely no idea.

- Well, she just slumped. - No one went near her.

- Nobody touched her. - She just carked it.

Right there in the back row.

Sounds like a heart attack to me.

- Or a brain aneurysm. - Well, either that or whatever

stabbed her in the back of the neck.

- Aneurysm? Aren't you clever? - You're a nice cup of tea, Kit.

- Oh. - How can you tell?

I just can. It's innate, I reckon.

From birth.

So there was no sign of a weapon?

- None. - Like the hand of God took her.

In novels, it's always an icicle.

The weapon just melts away. Ingenious.

- So the Madam... - Not the madam.

She's not a madam. We're not on the game.

Cover your ears.

She just called herself Madam because it sounded...

Classy?

I suppose it adds a bit of je ne sais quoi.

Bien sur.

So she never forced you to go with the customers?

Give them a few,

- you know, added extras. - No.

No.

Not unless we wanted to, of course.

So Madam was well liked?

Well, she wasn't a saint or nothing,

but she wasn't all bad.

She was horrible to you, Stanley.

There's no need to be kind.

She was as mean as a rattlesnake, she was.

I was quite fond of her.

The customers, on the other hand.

- Pigs, I imagine. - That's men for you.

- Amen to that, darling. - Amen.

Top up, anyone?

Stanley.

So you collect the entrance fee when the punters arrive?

Well, VIPs get a green raffle ticket.

Everybody else gets a plain one.

And what does being a VIP get you?

Free drinks.

Chat with the girls.

Only way in and out is the stairs.

That's right.

So everyone had to come past you.

Do you have a guest list?

We're not the kind of establishment where people

want to leave their names.

Of course not. That would be far too easy.

What about David? How often's he in?

Most nights.

- And he and Madam? - Oh, got on a treat.

- He's a convivial chap. - Convivial?

That's one word for it.

I didn't get much schooling when I were a boy.

He takes the time to sit with me.

Helps me read the paper.

Vicarage?

- Larry? - Larry.

Thank you, Stanley.

Madam could be cruel, but she gave this

lame old fool a job when nobody else would, so...

What you got for me, Larry?

A few complaints about the club.

Loud music. Drunks passed out on doorsteps.

But then there's this fella, Sneaky Pete.

- The rival club owner. - Larry, there is no Sneaky Pete.

No, there is.

Peter White.

Sneaky as they come, apparently.

Well, him and the madam had a bit of argy-bargy recently.

And it's not the Madam, it's... Oh, never mind.

What was the argument about?

What was the argument about?

- Decency, apparently. - Decency?

Between two rival strip clubs?

Sneaky Pete's been stealing.

Stealing what?

Girls.

Just helping myself. Hope you don't mind.

Kitty.

What's this about Sneaky Pete?

You were dancing for him too.

And Madam was not happy about it.

I dance in a lot of places. There's no harm in that.

Gives you motive.

You kill Madam to escape her evil clutches.

- With an icicle? - That goes without saying.

I was behind the curtain the entire time.

A good ten feet away.

You got a lot of admirers, Kitty?

- A few. - And the rest.

She's our little birthday cake, aren't you, Kit?

- Everyone's had a piece. - Joan!

I don't mind. It's the truth.

Any of those admirers there last night?

- Well, yeah, obviously. - The Reverend?

He follows her around wherever she goes.

He's her knight in shining armour.

Well, he's sweet, really.

I mean, a weirdo, but, you know, still sweet.

Probably him what done it.

Is that your car?

Come on.

- If you move one inch, I will-- - Punch my lights out?

You've threatened me once before.

Yeah? Well, this time I mean it.

I'd listen to him if I were you.

I am a sinner.

I have... impure thoughts.

Ones I try very hard not to indulge.

Helping the girls, it, erm...

- Stops those impure thoughts? - I offer them financial aid.

- I help with... with their... - Artistry?

Absolutely.

And you never partake of the wares?

I swear on my mother's grave.

Bollocks.

And what's about Kitty?

- I am very fond of her. - Fond enough to kill for her?

I am a man of God.

What are you doing?

I've known too many men of God.

It's time we did this in a more formal setting.

Please, I have a reputation to uphold.

Says the fellow running around with the strippers.

My calling is all I have.

Geordie, do we have to make this so public?

He's the one making it public.

Sex, sex, sex. This country is sex-mad.

What does that do for the next generation, eh?

Hey, Larry.

Send the Black Maria.

Have you ever thought about becoming a secretary?

- Or an usher at the theatre. - Or a seamstress.

Good money in dresses.

More money out of them.

You're worth so much more than this.

- Both of you. - We know.

So there was no knife in sight?

- Nope. - No one touched her.

- Nope. - It's impossible.

I keep coming back to the icicle.

Me too.

I can't help thinking it does have something to do

with King Herod.

So you were on stage, Joan.

I was doing my dance with the five veils.

- Seven veils, isn't it? - I do it with five.

The fellas lose interest otherwise.

Fair enough.

So...

Madam is here, say.

And I'm up here.

And where are you?

I had a ciggy, if that's important.

You know what we should do?

Do not say reconstruction.

All my theatrical training has been leading to this moment.

- What theatrical training? - I did the nativity.

It was a triumph.

It was very far from a triumph, Leonard.

I was here.

Stanley?

My knees are giving me a bit of jib, I'm afraid.

You take a seat, Stanley, dear boy.

That's fine.

I'll play you.

This is a complete waste of time.

Well, how far's the Black Maria?

It's 20 minutes.

We need veils and chairs.

You fix the gins.

I'll get the tea towels.

Hmm.

Ooh. On a search for props.

We can call the whole thing off if you'd rather.

Do what you like, Leonard.

When did you know?

Know what?

That you...

You know, you liked the fellas.

I think I've always known.

Deep down.

Ten years old?

Certainly by then.

And your parents?

Did they know?

My father, he always made it clear I was a disappointment.

So...

Did you ever wear dresses?

Dresses?

I'm more of a sweater vest kind of a chap.

Why on earth do you ask that?

I had a felon in today, dressed up like my mother

on Christmas morning.

I couldn't get my head around it.

That's all.

We'll make this quick, I promise.

- Tea towels. - Just as Salome danced.

With a map of the Isle of Wight.

How do? I'm Stanley.

Bad knees. I'm getting into character.

Come on.

Has he been a bit tipsy recently?

When?

All the time.

- No, he's fine, Mrs C. - Tuppence.

Tuppence to see the prettiest girls in town.

Welcome to Tassels,

Cambridge's finest erotic establishment.

I take out my wallet.

Madam said to give me the VIP treatment.

Oh, sorry, my line.

Give him the VIP treatment, Stanley.

It just means free drinks.

Raffle ticket, free drinks.

On the house, Your Reverence.

And I went in.

Have a wonderful evening, oh, me knees.

Good Lord.

Kitty was dancing.

Oh, do you want me to?

- No. - Not necessary.

I take my seat,

say hello to Joan. Hello, hello.

Hello, David, looking ever so handsome this evening.

Thank you.

Madam takes her place.

How are you, darlings?

I'm not even going to try.

And then me.

Christ on a bike.

Now, the reason I keep mentioning King Herod

is that when Salome danced for him,

he was enchanted by her so much so that he killed a man.

St John the Baptist?

- Head on a platter. - Could be a motive.

I'm sure our killer read the Old Testament

- before he left the house. - New Testament.

Cor, get 'em off.

Leonard told me to leer.

I did tell her to leer.

Where the hell's that Black Maria?

Okay, so Joan's dancing.

Madam's at the table counting the takings.

Stanley, where are you?

Back upstairs at the door.

I was still over here.

And then?

Ooh.

I went, "Madam. Madam."

I went, "The old cow's corked it."

And that was that.

- Everyone left. - Everyone left.

After doing our due diligence, of course.

You were first out the door, David.

Joan came back in to get her clothes.

Couldn't leave in just my smalls, could I?

And that was that. We turned up on your doorstep.

- There's a big van outside. - No, that didn't happen.

Not in real life.

I mean, there's a big van outside.

Fun's over, everyone in the van.

I'll find your coats, ladies.

- Slump forward again. - Me?

Yeah, just sit up and then slump.

Geordie, where was the wound?

There.

Have you got a pen?

It's like playtime with the bloody kids.

You are in a foul mood this evening.

And you're wondering why?

Okay. Sit back.

There were no tears through her clothing.

So she had to have been stabbed?

After she fell forward.

Joan went back to get her clothes, you said.

She was no more than ten seconds. Why?

- Wait here. - Mmm.

They're all in for questioning.

Oh, have a seat here, Stanley.

Take the weight off those poor old knees.

Thank you, David.

Joan, shall we?

- God will forgive you, my dear. - Stuff your forgiveness, David.

Kitty can't stand you, you know that.

Can't stand to even look at you.

- Coat. - Please.

Where'd you get this from?

I won big on the horses.

It's the takings.

Which you stole when?

When I went back to get my clothes.

- After she'd collapsed? - I thought she was dead.

I thought, she can hardly miss the money now.

Can't take it with you, can you?

But she opened her eyes.

So she wasn't dead.

Well, she wasn't, and then she was.

Once you'd got to her.

I understand, Joan.

I understand how these clubs work.

Tricked into it with the promise of fame and fortune.

Got me pegged as a little victim, haven't you?

I knew exactly what I was getting into.

Dancing.

It means to an end for me. Nothing more.

I have a husband.

A little boy.

I work and I go home.

I had no hard feelings against her.

- I just-- - Stabbed her in cold blood.

I panicked.

And I'm sorry for it.

I really am.

Where will you go now?

I'm not so sure.

I'll find a new job.

I got my reading good now, haven't I?

It's exemplary.

You'll be grand.

Do you think Madam's going to hell?

Oh, absolutely.

I don't like to think of her burning for all eternity.

Well, I see hell more as a den of iniquity,

seething with devils and temptresses.

Much like Tassels, then.

Yeah. Now you mention it, yeah.

There you are, fellas.

- Oh, you're a diamond. - Stanley likes sugar.

- Two sugars. - I don't want to be no bother.

It's not a bother at all, is it?

It's what he's here for.

I'll fetch some now.

You'll be absolutely grand, Stanley.

Absolutely grand.

Two sugars. I'm not the bloody tea boy.

- You're what? - Oh, nothing.

Postmortem's back on your desk, boss.

Great.

Oh, couldn't get me a cup of tea, could you, Larry?

Geordie Keating.

I want to report a missing person.

My husband went to work hours ago and didn't come back.

Oh, I'm sorry about that, Cathy.

The kids in bed?

Finally, thank God.

- How's David? - Fine.

I wish you wouldn't be so grumpy with him.

He was only larking about.

I don't like him watching that nonsense.

- You watch it. - It's not the point.

He's a shy little thing, our David.

Barely get a word out of him most days.

It was nice to see him having fun.

We should be encouraging him, Geordie.

You're not listening, are you?

And in three, two, one.

- I've got to go, love. - I'm sorry.

Come on, Leonard. Let's sit you down.

Everything's spinning.

All that acting takes it

out of you.

You are a wonderful friend, Alphy.

So are you.

Oh.

This man is a wonderful man.

- Just the two of us, then? - Just the two of us.

Good Lord.

I'm not sure even he can help you.

Vicarage.

- Alphy. - What now?

Try and sound a bit more enthusiastic.

Joan stabbed Madam,

but that's not what killed her.

Pathologist says the stab wound was superficial.

So what did kill her?

Why did she slump to the table in the first place?

Exactly.

Going back to the club, you coming?

Go.

- You sure? - I'm sure.

Will you still be here when I get back?

Maybe.

We'll see.

I have it on good authority that you're a wonderful man, so...

No rush. You take your time.

On my way.

Joan didn't kill her.

And if Joan didn't kill her, it could be anyone.

It could be Sneaky Pete for all we know.

- You're not listening, are you? - No, I'm listening.

You're smitten.

Do you know, I think I might be, but that's not what

- I'm thinking about. - Sure.

What did Larry say?

About the club? There'd been complaints.

Yeah, loud music.

Men passed out in doorways.

There was a fella sitting right here.

He was passed out too.

What if that's the key to all of it?

What, the drunk fella?

What if he wasn't just drunk?

What if there's more to this than just booze?

Alphy,

- it's laudanum. - You sure?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

Mix it with alcohol, gives off a musky smell.

Someone gave Madam laudanum, enough to kill her.

- Larry. - Boss.

The drunken incompetent cases from the club.

On your desk.

How many were there?

A dozen or so. All passed out.

All woke up missing their valuables.

"I was in the club.

Next thing I remember, I woke up in a doorway without my wallet."

"I was offered VIP treatment.

Free drinks and whatnot."

VIP treatment?

The green raffle tickets, it marks the men out.

Those with a bit of cash on them get green tickets.

Those are the punters who Madam gives the laudanum.

They pass out, she robs them, turns them out on the street.

The Reverend was offered VIP treatment.

So why is he still compos mentis?

Because David was kind to him.

Stan.

Stanley.

Sorry.

Sorry about that.

Madam was meaner than a rattlesnake, Joan said.

She wasn't very kind to you, was she?

The Reverend, on the other hand.

He showed you some kindness.

Helped you with your reading.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Ah, you do, Stanley.

You know David gave you the time of day.

Which is more than most people do.

Was that what pushed you over the edge?

He was kind to you and she wanted you to drug him?

That doesn't seem right.

Rob a man who's only shown us kindness.

VIP treatment for the vicar, Stanley.

Very kind. Thank you.

Thank you.

And thank you.

She took advantage of him.

The girls.

I'd just stand and watch while she broke Joan and Kitty down.

Degraded them.

Used them.

She used you too.

She made me feel I was worthless.

Maybe I am.

No.

That's not true, Stanley.

I was tired of it.

Of her.

Of tricking all those poor fellas.

It didn't feel right.

It didn't feel right in here.

So you drugged her.

A dose big enough to kill.

You know the worst of it?

I don't feel an ounce of remorse.

Promise me something, Inspector.

What's that?

Don't bring the girls into this.

They deserve a bit of happiness.

Lord knows they never had it when she were alive.

Stanley.

Shall we?

Steady as she goes.

Thank you for your hospitality, Vicar.

It was a pleasure, Stanley.

God bless you.

You must think me a terrible buffoon.

I think you're as flawed and complicated

as the rest of us.

I knew Kitty could never fall for a man like me,

but I just... allowed myself to indulge

in the fantasy for a while.

I don't know why.

- Perhaps you're lonely? - No.

No, I have a very full life with the church and...

And I never stop.

It's the life we chose, I suppose.

Or that chose us.

Yeah.

It chose us, didn't it?

Rather lovely when you think about it like that.

Hmm.

- Last one standing? - Not quite.

You didn't need to clean up.

Well, it was a pleasant distraction after the...

Lunacy of the evening?

It was quite mad, wasn't it?

I think that might be understating it.

Learnt a few things, though.

Got some new dance moves under my belt.

So educational, if nothing else.

Just the two of us, then?

Just the two of us.

That's my taxi.

Of course it is.

My mother always told me it's polite to leave

after the arrests.

Quite right.

So?

So...

Well, we said we'd shake hands.

So there isn't going to be a next time?

I'd like there to be a next time.

I'd like there to be a next time.

Just not sure how I'm going to top tonight.

- Mmm, it's tricky. - Mmm.

Cinema?

Perfect.

Oh, you might want to check on Leonard.

He regaled me with a poem about cheese

and then he was a little bit sick.

Oh, dear.

Night, then.

Night.

Meg.

A poem about cheese.

It was actually very poignant.

I didn't make a fool of myself, did I?

Not at all.

I think I made up a poem for Meg.

About cheese.

Really?

She didn't mention anything.

And I was rude to Daniel.

Do you think he'll ever forgive me?

Of course he will.

You really are a wonderful friend, Alphy.

I'm sorry.

I'm a terrible liability, aren't I?

Get some sleep, Leonard.

It'll all feel better in the morning.