Original subtitles

This is the kind of quality time I've always dreamt about.

Wow, I forgot you were even here.

Hey, when are you guys recording the podcast this week? Do you need some more

nose corner?

We always need more nose corner.

I'm not sure when we're recording this week.

Okay. Hey, what are you guys doing here?

Hey. Hey.

Hey, how are you? I'll join you. Oh, okay. You guys see the Warhol piece

No. No, we didn't come for the art. We came because they have a good gift shop

and they have excellent chai.

So no art at all? No, I promised her we wouldn't. My body shuts down inside

museums. Like, I stand in front of a piece of art, and I feel compelled to

see something I don't actually see. I can't be myself in front of art. Yeah, I

get that.

Hey, how's it going at Ahava?

Was I right about that place or what? Oh.

Right? So right.

So right. It's great. It's, you know, Neil and Cammy. They got very cool

Um, how are you? How's the fam?

Oh, man.

Um, Abby and I are done.

Whoa. So, oh, my.

God, I can't believe it. You guys seemed so happy.

Yeah, but it was fake.

Instagram is fake.

Life's a wild journey, man.

You do seem lighter.

Thank you. Yeah, we both are. We both are. I think it's for the best.

Well, listen, I've counseled a lot of couples going through some tough times.

I'm your rabbi now. I'd love to talk about all of this with you. You know,

hopefully there's some possible solutions that don't involve separation.

Obviously, it's not just you and Abby now. This afternoon, there's Jesse

Charles. Why don't you come by my office tomorrow?

I don't know.

It would be an honor. It would be a pleasure. Whatever comes of it. Okay,

do it. Okay, great. Okay, good. I look forward to it.

I'll see you then. Text me and let me know when. Okay. Love you guys.

Love you too.

Oh, man.

I wonder who I can set Abby up with.

Joanne. What?

Any marriage ending is sad.

I don't agree.

I think you have one life to live, and sometimes the person you marry isn't the

person you end up being married to.

Do that make sense?

Not really, but listen, I've seen a lot of couples that are ready to give up,

and they found a way to fall back in love. It happens.

I'm sure that that happens, but I think there's also couples who stay together

way too long, and that makes it worse, especially on the kids.

No, obviously, your parents' situation is different. But is that the only way

can be different? Like, can you only get divorced if one of them is secretly

gay? Yeah.

Yeah, 100%. Listen.

Where are you going? You know what? I gotta go.

I'm meeting Batya soon.

Who's Batya? That would be your mother. She picked her Hebrew name.

Okay, well, let me know if she shows up.

She usually gives up on stuff.

Right about now.

Patia, I'll be there. Okay. Are you good with all this stuff? Yeah, I'll just

clean all this stuff up. Okay. And then if you need me, I'll be in the kitchen,

okay? I know you will.

All right, bye.

So, number one, I wanted to start a relationship with your synagogue, as it

seems the right fit.

Does she know we know each other, or is that illegal?

yeah it's legal and uh number two i wanted to do conversion classes here

i love noah both on the inside and out and looks are very important to me me

same page okay well listen uh typical conversion takes about a year uh unless

don't know unless the hava has a different protocol well we have the half

which we call the loose conversion and then we have the full year which we call

the conversion no one's ever asked for Oh, wow. Six months doesn't really seem

like enough. I'm very loose, so I would love the loose conversion.

By the way, you're not even going to feel it. It's painless. It'll be over

before you know it, yeah.

I mean, is it cheaper?

Oh, no.

We don't charge anyone to become a Jew. We see it as a blessing. Well, I've

already been studying Judaism on my own. I mean, I stay up all night reading

about it. I mean, do you want to test me?

Ask me anything Jewish. We don't have to test you. No, I want to test her.

Okay.

Okay, what are two objects that are waved around during Sukkot? Oh, that's

Lulav and Etrog.

Wow.

All right, what's the name of Moses' wife?

Zipporah, also known as Sephora, later to be used by an esteemed beauty supply

chain. I love you.

I respect you. This is amazing.

I love you. Honestly, you can't stump me. I'm a speed reader, and I also know

what happened on every single day of my life.

Just like Mary Lou Henner. Uh, listen, Lynn, you seem to really love Jewish

learning, so I really think the year -long course is right for you because...

No, you can't. She's a six -month girl.

Well, thank you for a perfectly gorgeous lunch date.

Oh, and thank you for teaching me how to pronounce salad nicoise.

Nicoise. Are you sure there's a... No, nicoise. I thought you said... I have

about 15 minutes to my next patient. I gotta tell you about this guy. Mm.

Really interesting.

Extreme kleptomaniac. It's wild. Wait, isn't that supposed to be confidential,

though? I know. Patient confidentiality is one of the things that Floyd was

wrong about. He was wrong about a lot of things. Andy? This guy.

Andy.

Helena.

Oh, my God. You look stunning. So do you. Look at your hair. Your skin. Are

getting younger on me?

Only in spirit. Uh -huh. But thank you.

How do you guys know each other? She's my ex -patient. We jaded.

Oh. I forgot about that.

We did.

I should go.

It's nice seeing you.

Nice to meet you.

I'll see you.

Yeah, that was hilarious.

Was it?

I thought that I was the only patient you jaded. Honestly, it wasn't even a

thing. It was like six months or something, so.

Oh, okay.

Thanks. Six months is a little longish to forget, but... Sure, okay.

Morgan, I... It's fine. I don't even think of her like that.

Why do you doubt that this is real for me? Because this is the three -week

Mom, where you quit something that you thought you were going to do for the

of your life.

I just want to make sure you don't feel embarrassed if you're already over it,

you know? No, this is different. This is real.

I am Jewish.

I am sure.

What the hell? How are you sure, though? I'm sure, sure, sure.

Are you asking this because I'm converting or because you're not?

Both. I don't know. Tell me this.

How do you know?

I feel it.

I've spent my whole life feeling like everyone else had something I didn't

And now I feel I have it.

oh my god this is real for the first time this is the thing you pick that

out to be real this is in this sucks be happy for me i have faith and it feels

you know it's like i was never at peace and now i feel at peace i'm happy that

you're at peace i really am i'm just saying that it would make my life a

lot easier if i could feel that too

Everything happens when it's right. You know, you may have to go at your own

speed. Just inch by inch.

I don't think I have time to go inch by inch.

Noah and I can't move forward if I don't start feeling something soon. And

meanwhile, Morgan's racing to the altar. You know, not a road bump in sight.

You'll get there. I have faith.

I know.

Quit bragging about it.

We should be done already. This is taking way too long.

Oh, hey, Fabrizio.

Oh, hey.

How's it going?

You know, just dealing with this stupid pool guy. Can I help you with this?

Oh, my God. Actually, yeah, I'm in a rush.

Joanne left some of the stuff at my house, and I just... Can you leave it on

front step?

Yeah, sure thing. Thank you.

How's the podcast going?

Oh, uh, great. Yeah, Joanne actually gave you a shout -out on the last

It was hilarious.

Oh, cool, yeah. I'll check it out. Okay.

Thank you.

Feels like we've spent enough time with my mom today. She asked if we had plans.

Yoo -hoo!

Hey, come in.

Shoes on or off?

Oh, whatever you like.

Hey, Mom, why do I hear Dad's voice?

We spent the afternoon shopping, and he asked what I was doing for dinner.

Yeah, me and your mom are back together again. I prayed to get away.

Oh, you should have more kids.

We had sex all afternoon.

Oh, God.

I was out there today. I just love the groovy vibe at Ahava. It feels like the

perfect place for me.

Yes, it is a groovy vibe.

No, now be truthful. Are you into groovy vibes?

I love groovy vibes.

Okay. If it's not groovy, get it out. It's not my vibe.

So you guys went shopping this afternoon? Yeah, Lynn got me this

do you think? Looks great. Isn't it wonderful? Don't you just love it? When

I get man boobs?

Just go one size up. Don't put yourself down.

I think it's so cool you guys have such a nice relationship.

Yeah, I know. I mean, when I got divorced, it was hell for a while.

Absolute hell. But we're a better couple now than ever before.

Well, Lynn is a saint. The strongest woman I know.

What about me? Like I said, the strongest woman I know.

And we still fight. I mean, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, and

I'm so angry at something I just remembered that happened when we were

And she calls me. I mean, I let her get it all out, and then I say I'm sorry,

and then I beg her to let me get back to sleep.

Can't be good for your dating life. Well, that never dates anyone long

for them to care.

Okay. You know what I mean.

You and Mom are commitment people.

Well, honey, to be fair, you know, you're not much better. You went to four

different high schools.

You were a cosmetologist and an interior designer at that time, and I haven't

seen you give a facial in a while.

You went to four different high schools?

Yeah. Well, five if you count the two days of homeschooling.

High school was hard. I kept wanting to reinvent myself, but then I was still

myself wherever I went. And we gave her space, you know, to find herself, you

know, figure out who she was.

I think it's a good thing.

I love who she turned into.

I think she's faking it around you.

Why? Where are you going?

Thailand.

What? Yep, it was very last minute. I just booked it. I had points. I just did

it. Hi, who are you? I am someone who tries new things.

Did I tell you that I did surf camp?

No, you didn't tell me. You didn't tell me. How was that?

It was really awful.

How was that? Didn't get up on the board even once, and I did almost drown.

But I tried something new.

Ah, Beck.

I just, I feel like you're in such a great place. Like, a strange great

but such a great place. Thank you. I really am.

And I mean, I really was not for a long time. Sure. Famously.

I feel like I'm just so glad that Noah broke up with me. Like, our last

conversation, it weirdly set me free.

I know that that sounds corny, but it's really true.

I am so happy that you said it sounds corny. Okay. So I didn't have to.

Fun! Look at the rosemary!

Yeah, that's really pretty. You like here?

Here!

What's up, loser?

Wait, you're upside?

What's wrong?

Oh, man.

I really like Dr.

Andy. I know. I feel so betrayed.

Me, too.

You guys seem so happy.

I mean, that's what the confusing part is. Like, Dr. Andy makes me happy.

I mean, is this, like, the kind of thing where something like this happens and

it makes you not trust him, but also, like, it?

Yes.

I don't know, but he don'ts on me.

Oh, yeah, no, I mean, it's crazy doting, though. It's like you're a little

Pekingese dog.

I know, and then he drops these little bombs. Like, you know, he doesn't talk

his family, and he can't go to Texas.

Oh, that's cool. That's like Thelma and Louise.

That's kind of hot.

And today was, like, the biggest bomb of all. Like, I feel completely thrown.

Like, I was living in, like, one version of reality, and now I'm in a completely

different version. Like, the Dr. Andy who loves me and makes me feel so happy

just, like, isn't real.

You know, I always think that, like, the only way you're really gonna know

somebody is if you can, like, steal their phone and just, like, spend an

with it. Like, your Instagram algorithm, like, that's gonna tell you who they

are.

Oh, my God, we actually could.

He's, like, dead asleep. Every time I leave, he just shuts down like a robot.

It's, like, another weird thing about him.

Okay, we have a plan.

Buckle your seatbelt, baby.

Why am I... I was watching the game.

Oh, God, I know it's weird, but sometimes I forget how to have fun.

Like running around telling everyone, like, I'm so fun.

But even I can see that a fun person would, like, never say that. Does that

sense? Mm -hmm.

How are you and Sash doing?

Are things better?

I don't even know how me and Sash are doing, to be honest.

Right. Right. I mean, can I? You always can. You guys got married because you

were pregnant. I mean, you were so young.

Babies. Babies. Exactly.

We were friends before. We're going to be friends forever.

You know, no matter what.

But is Sasha who I would pick today?

Oh, wow.

Anyway, you were going to show me. Who are you talking to on Bumble?

We are having a good time.

Okay, fine, fine, fine, fine.

Ree. He has so many tattoos.

I know. And I sent him a message.

You didn't. Okay, so we need to come up with a fake reason for why we're trying

to get into this film. Okay, this is exciting.

Yeah, I know.

Okay, so my beloved aunt died. Okay.

Her name was... Pamela Streisand.

No, that sounds fake. It sounds like you thought of Barbara Streisand and Pamela

Anderson, like put them together.

We were so connected. How did you know I did that? Because you're an idiot.

Okay, so Pamela McMillan was an acclaimed poet.

And this...

is her greatest book of poems.

Okay. That's really good.

I know. Nobody can name a poet, but they don't want to admit that they can't

name a poet. Exactly.

Morgan.

Morgan? Yes. Hi.

That's me. Should I be British for this?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Welcome. My name is Terry.

How can I help you today? Hello, Terry.

Hi, Terry.

I can't do this. No, go ahead. My aunt died, Pamela McMillan.

Oh, she's a very famous poet.

Wrote mostly about post -famine.

Yeah, of course, he knows. So, any case, we are trying to get into her phone so

that we can retrieve her last and perhaps greatest work is, yeah.

Okay, yeah, that's not a believable story in any way, shape, or form, so.

Really? Yeah.

Okay, so the truth is, Derry, that my fiancé, he lied about something, and we

are trying to figure out if he's lying about other things, too.

And so you want me to illegally break into his phone and help you out?

Yeah, but we would prefer that you use a different term than illegally.

Oh, yeah, of course. What was I thinking?

Okay, so what word should we use?

Broad -mindedly?

Unconventionally. Okay.

Okay, maybe I can help you guys, yeah.

Okay, that was... Your tone did not sound like you were going to help us out

all that. I was like, this is not going to work. I'm not going to break into his

phone. Still illegal.

What? Okay, so I'm sorry I'm confused because it really sounded like you were

going to help us.

Yeah, I was.

If you find yourself here at my little help desk asking me to break into your

fiancé's phone because you don't trust him, don't you think you already have

answer you're looking for?

Morgan?

Wow, I got chills.

I know.

God, Terry.

You really are a genius.

Steven? Yo.

I'm seeing Gabe tomorrow.

He confirmed.

Hoping it's nothing a little honest communication can't solve.

Ah, honest communication.

Communication is definitely important.

Okay.

Do you want to be honest with me about Ahava?

What about it?

Uh, about how you hate it?

Oh, my God, I don't hate it.

Well, you don't love it.

I don't love it. No, that's true. I definitely don't love it. How could you

tell? Well, the groovy vibes thing.

Was it the groovy vibes?

Yeah. Yeah.

And also the way you say Neil and Cammy? Neil and Cammy? Really?

Do you hear that? Ugh, Neil and Cammy. Yeah, sorry.

Listen, I wasn't trying to hide it from you. I was just...

reluctant to admit it, I think, even to myself.

It's a great place. It's just not my place.

So how about you?

What? I feel like something's going on with you and Morgan.

She hasn't been around. I feel like you haven't talked to her in days.

We had a really big fight, and we're taking a break from the podcast.

Okay.

Yeah, I don't think I was emotionally ready to go wedding dress shopping.

It made me feel like...

We're behind them.

Oh, well, it's not a competition, you know? We can't rush this, you know?

Marriage is a very big deal. It's supposed to be forever.

Why did you say it like that?

I don't love how quickly you want people to give up.

Okay, with all due respect to Gabe and Abby, I'm, like, not that invested in

their future.

Fine, let's talk about us, then. If we were married and things got hard, what

would you do?

How am I supposed to answer that?

I don't know, but I mean, you know, you get in a fight, the podcast is off,

neither of your parents think it's important to stick with anything. It's

Marriage seems hard, you know? Things won't be perfect. There'll be days when

I'm not your favorite person. I know. There'll be days you're not your

person. It's not like it's high school when you can just switch every year if

you're not happy.

I mean, I guess you can.

And that's what's so scary.

Okay.

I grew up in a house with two people who never should have gotten married. Okay?

And it went on way too long, and it was horrible. The version of my parents

that, like, you saw tonight, I would have killed for that when I was little.

I switched high school because I was trying to escape my life.

Growing up with a mom who became someone new every year, it was unstable, and it

made me feel anxious.

And all I want now is normalcy and stability.

And I didn't think I'd ever have it.

And you think now that I have the chance, I'm going to run away from it?

No.

No, I don't.

Good.

Because you know what the dream is?

What's the dream?

Wanting to have sex with someone who makes you feel safe.

I didn't think that existed.

Josh, I hope you find that.

I hope you find it, too.

Thank you.

All right. Here you go.

Getting ice cream's a great idea.

It's like the perfect thing to do when you fail at breaking into somebody's

phone. I guess.

I don't know. I guess I'll have to have an honest conversation with him in the

morning. Nothing worse than an honest conversation.

I guess. You know, I already know what he's going to do. He's just going to

it around and he's going to like, I don't know, say that I'm all fucked up

because of my fucked up family.

That's not fair.

Everybody's got a fucked up family.

My family's quietly fucked up.

You know, everybody thinks that my mom is so direct and she says what she

but she says what she wants.

And that's, like, a little different.

I gotta say, I love Bina. Oh.

She loves you, too.

That's why I like her.

I'm just kidding.

And you and Esther seem great.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, we're... Yeah, no, we're good.

Sasha.

Wait, what's going on? You're just staring out into the distance.

I ain't.

She's just, she's been, like, really distant lately.

Kind of feels like I'm losing her, you know?

Kind of killing me.

I'm sorry.

You want to talk about it?

You know, I got to tell you, the last thing that I want to do is have an

conversation.

I really like the last episode of your podcast, by the way. The bit about

and the landlord was really funny.

I hope he doesn't listen.

Shit.

Oh, my God, I totally forgot what we said about him. I just remembered that

gave Fabrizio a shout -out. Shit.

His name's Fabrizio?

I'm so screwed.

Can I guess what you're going to say? Yeah. Okay.

You're going to say marriage should be forever, and there are ebbs and flows,

and you need to find a way to weather the storm.

Uh, truthfully, yes.

I was going to say something like that. But now I'm starting to wonder if every

couple doesn't have to find their own path.

You know, sometimes families can only come together once they've come apart.

So why don't you tell me about you and Abby? You know, I have a lot of

but I'd love to hear it from the beginning.

Okay, great. I want to get into the weeds.

Great. Do you need every gory detail, or...? I don't need it, but I can handle

it. You're in for a wild ride.

Honestly, it was one of my proudest moments as a rabbi. I spent hours

about marriage, examining it and reexamining it, pulling it apart and

it. So what's he going to do?

I don't know.

That's the thing about Judaism. We love to talk about things from every

direction, you know?

I was being too rigid in how I was looking at it before.

I love analyzing things from every direction.

I know. It's very Jewish of you.

A religion that encourages me to argue?

Love that.

Sorry, hold on.

I'm just texting my mom.

Can I tell you something?

Yeah.

You make me a better rabbi.

I definitely do.

What the fuck is this?

It's like you're being evicted.

Definitely beautiful.

That's so fucking typical.

The harder you push, the more she's wanting to leave.

Cause everything you do, you do it desperately.

You're out of touch, so she comes running for me.

And honestly,

honestly. Cause your girl calls me in the middle of the night. Sweet

talk, she likes that I'm the sentimental type. That's what she told me.