All language subtitles for 1 1 Nobody Wants This S02E05

I mean, are we

just like not going to talk about this?

Talk about what?

You got bangs.

Like, what happened?

That's like a major life transition.

I think I feel good about them. Should I
not?

No, honey, no, they're great. They're
great.

Okay.

Yeah, amazing. No, I love them. It's
like, you know, what's behind the

you know?

Don't touch him.

I, too, actually have a sexual secret.

I didn't get bangs, but today I got my
first rabbi gig post -Temple Time.

Oh! Oh! Temple Time, Noah! Yeah, it's a
brief bot, a .k .a. a baby name. That's

so cute. You're like a concierge rabbi.
Very chic. Is it like a Jewish baptism?

It's a ritual where Jewish parents
reveal the name of their child and its

significance. Can I come?

Are girlfriends of the rabbi allowed?

You want to come?

Yeah. For one, I'd like to see you cute
and in charge. And number two, I'm kind

of on a mission to learn more about
Judaism.

In case you haven't noticed.

Yeah, let me talk to the family, but I
love it. Great, Noah.

Wait, so Noah, who is the family?

Uh, there's a couple the Littmans know.

Abby and Gabe Kaplan.

Abby loves smoothies, Abby Kaplan?

Maybe. Do you know her? I went to middle
school with her. Oh. I'm obsessed with

how much I hate her.

Well, I mean...

She's an influencer, so she's always
like, I'm here at my kid's birthday

or look at my house, or I love my
husband.

So she loves her family.

Like, too much.

But the real reason I hate her is
because when we were in middle school,

a sleepover, and she tried to get
everyone to go to bed early, and I was

no. So while we were watching a movie,
she snuck upstairs and cut the hair of

Felicity American Girl doll.

Whoa. That's it? She should be in jail.

And she denied it.

Oh. Better?

Yep. Oh, God, thank God.

Listen, if you hate her, I don't think
you should come just because I need to

make a great impression.

No, no, I'll be fine. I'll be nice. I
promise.

Yes, Felicity Gate was like a million
years ago, and this is your first job

outside the temple. I really want to
support you, okay?

Really? Yeah, really. And if I get to
judge her home decor in the process, so

it, you know?

Excuse me. Hold on one second. One
second, please. I've been waiting here

like an hour.

Is everything okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, why?

Well, you got banged. You have to be at
least a little unstable.

Fine. Okay.

Just don't say anything to Noah.

Oh.

Oh, God. I think I might be pregnant.

Oh, my God. Now. Oh.

I didn't even know you guys were trying.
Oh, no, we're not. I mean, Sasha is.

I just thought we were done after Mary.

She's still my little baby.

She was my baby with an attitude
problem, but now Sasha's all excited

having another one, and I'm like, I
don't even, I don't know.

When was the last time you had bangs?

2004. I was dating a guy who said he
liked my strong forehead.

Okay. That's like calling a bikini pic
brave.

Gin and tonic?

Um, are you sure?

What are you doing?

Stalking Abby Love Smoothie's many
maternity shoots.

Is it even safe to be pregnant on a
horse?

Wait, are you talking about Abby fucking
Kaplan?

God, why?

Snow is taking me to name her baby. It's
like a rabbi thing.

Well, name it something dumb.

I'm still pissed that Mom blamed me for
cutting Felicity's hair. Why didn't she

just apologize for that? Maybe we still
could have been friends.

Now she's posing in a field, pregnant.

Is there a flower crown?

There's obviously a flower crown. Yeah.

Noah will make such a good dad.

He'd be like one of those guys who puts
their kids on their shoulders to watch

the fireworks.

Ugh, I can never see over those people.

Have you guys even talked about the kid
thing yet?

We both want them.

He even used the words, our kids, on
Valentine's Day. Right, but has he

talked about it with you? Because, like,

these would be a rabbi's kids. What's
that like, you know? No bacon, no Santa,

like, praying for fun.

Well, we haven't gotten that far.

Oh, my God, no Santa?

Mm -hmm. I didn't even think about that.

I guess the kids and I will just have to
come live with you every December.

No, no, I don't like kids.

Okay, run me through the quick
highlights of this thing.

What do you want to know? Anything. I'm
baby naming curious.

Okay. Well, as Ashkenazi Jews, we
traditionally name a baby after a

who's died.

Oh, wait. You can't choose your own baby
names?

No, no, no. You can.

There are just some parameters involved.

For instance, my deeded name was
Alexander, so I always planned on naming

future child Alexander. But I could also
choose a name that starts with an A.

Okay.

Obviously,

light and love to Alexander.

In theory, I'm not really into honoring
people. Like, I never even met your

grandpa.

Wow. Look at that.

The whole thing is not my vibe. I can
smell the candles from out here.

We don't like candles?

No, it's not just the candles, Noah.
It's like the house, the boring,

furniture, the going to children's
birthday parties all weekend. I just

want any of this.

Any of this?

Or any of this?

Glad you're here.

Me too.

Joanne.

Abby Kaplan.

Come here.

Jojo. Oh, come here. Don't let go. Good
to see you.

Welcome to Tar Santa.

Hi, Rabbi Rockloff. So nice to finally
meet you. Hi.

You too. I can't believe that Joanna's
your girlfriend.

We were like total Lylas in sixth grade.
Crazy, right? I love you like a sister.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, my God.

You should text Morgan. Tell her to
come. I don't know why we all stopped

hanging out.

Really? You don't remember? No, it was
like a million years ago. Forever. But

it's so fun you're here now.

Ooh.

Do you mind taking off your heels just
for the fours?

Oh, I would, but they really complete my
outfit, so.

Sorry.

What?

You're... Well, she's wearing heels.
You're wearing heels.

These are my house wedges. Never wore
them outside.

If you don't mind.

Sorry. No, absolutely.

No problem. She doesn't mind.

I hate to ask.

It's not a big deal.

Oh, my God. Oh, cute socks.

I forgot how short you are.

Just like the sixth grade.

Cute.

So where's the rest of your family? Oh,
Gabe?

Gabe? Yep. Get over here, babe.

This is my husband, Gabe.

Hi, Rabbi Rockloff. Hi, Julianne. Nice
to meet you. And who is this?

This is our three -year -old, Jesse
Charles.

Yeah. Say hi.

Hi, Rabbi. Can you say hi, Rabbi? Say
hi, Rabbi. You know what? He caught the

tail end of Apocalypse Now with me last
night, so I think he's just a little bit

rattled. He won't do that again.

And today's little star is upstairs
napping, so baby afternoon.

And what's her name?

Afternoon.

That is my favorite time of day.

That's great. That is absolutely because
you've just had lunch, and you can

either take a nap or get the rest of
your work done. The day is sort of

It's a lovely name. Thank you so much. I
wish I could take credit for it, but

that's all this one. It's perfect.

Her naming style is whimsical, cozy,
right?

And we wanted to go with an A name for
my grandma, Lisa.

You know, while I'm starting to.

Okay, we'll be right back.

Okay, we're going to get something to
eat. Enjoy the spread.

There's a lot of treats.

Do you like meringues?

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

It's time.

All right, let's go, buddy.

I should have studied harder for the
ceremony.

I didn't even know they had a son.

You know what? She gets to wear heels.
I'm walking around in mismatched socks.

The whole power dynamic is off, Noah.

What happened to Lila? Fuck Lila.

Does this house look... smaller in
person listen i know you're upset about

barbie doll but he was an american girl
okay i'm sure she wasn't one of the

original three and i wasn't really even
into her like wartime energy but she was

funky and she was mine and noah
understood i really need today to go

i'm sorry i got you rabbi i want you to
meet my

lady great great thank you

I usually know the entire family at
these things. I've been at their

and funerals.

It's weird not having a congregation.

Hey, it's going to be great.

You're going to be great. None of us
even deserve you.

Lovely to meet you. I'm Rabbi Rocklaw.

What a pleasure.

What a pleasure.

Congratulations on the big day. I just
met your grandson.

Oh.

What? Hey, holistic mama.

Wait, what are you eating?

It's actually so cute. So, Dr. Andy
remembers all the snacks that I love,

he, like, hides them for me to find
later. Okay, well, I need you to focus

now, because I am in Abby Love's beauty
bathroom.

Ugh, incredible lighting.

It's just... I know. And I met her
husband, and I have questions.

Mm, okay.

Weirdly, no.

But I keep trying to figure out if he's,
like, one of those Instagram husbands

who's been trained to take good pictures
and is really proud of them, or if he's

dying inside and he hates her.

Oh, no, he is fully dead. Those photos
aren't even good. What are you doing

right now?

Abby told me to invite you.

Oh, my God. No fucking way. Did you know
that Mom grounded me for a month for

her bullshit?

She still says she has no idea why we
stopped hanging out. She won't admit it.

She literally said that?

Uh -huh.

You know what?

Text me her address, okay? Only a bitch
messes with hair. Let's go.

You know, I would love to hear some more
about your grandmother, Aliza, and some

of her great qualities you'd like to
bless your baby with today.

Do you mind if I shoot some pre
-ceremony content?

Oh, yeah, sure, sure, of course. Okay,
come here.

And we're live.

Hi, guys. This is Rabbi Rockloff. Isn't
he cute?

Okay, so today we're at Baby Afternoon's
naming ceremony, and she's so excited

and a little nervous. I'm kidding. She's
a baby.

So a lot of you have been asking what
dress we went with for the ceremony, and

have to say I'm pretty surprised by the
poll I posted. 73 % of you said the

green dress. Boo!

Bye!

Amazing. Do you mind taking my photo?

Sure. Is there one sweet memory you have
of your grandma that you're reminded of

today? I don't know.

She had a secret girlfriend.

Can you do sideways?

Sure, sure, sure.

Oh, oh, duh.

Gabe! Yeah?

Come over here. We're shooting.

Come on. Coming in hot. Here I come.

This is Gabe, remember? Hi. Yes, of
course.

Got it. I can already tell this isn't
working.

No? I thought it was pretty good. No,
it's no good. It was just the angling

didn't happen, but that's okay. Thank
you so much. You tried. It's great.

You're the best. They're good.

It's been a little late over here.

Hey. Cute photo shoot.

She's pretty. I'll give her that.

Not my type.

You really invited her?

Abby told me to.

Hi. Shalom.

Oh, this is a sick birthday party.

Oh, man. Okay. The ceremony's about to
start. Just please be good.

Yes, Dad.

We will. We promise.

Bye. Thank you. Thank you.

Okay, where's the smoothie fucker?
Making content, I'm sure. Outside.

Oh, my God.

Shit, she's so hot. I thought that was a
filter.

That's depressing. Yeah.

This isn't going to be fun anymore.

Meh. No, no, no.

Ugh.

Morgan, you can't do that.

What? They're too soft.

Morgan? Oh, sup?

I just had to stop by to celebrate your
little nugget when Joanne told me.

Wow, that is just so sweet. Thank you
for coming. I'm really glad you're here

and that we are getting a chance to
catch up. I missed you guys.

We used to be so close until...

I don't even remember when.

Sixth grade, June 23rd, my end of year
party.

Wow, that is oddly specific.

But yeah, maybe sometime around then.
Come on.

Now that we're adults, you can admit it.
You know, it's funny.

You're the one who cut off Felicity's
hair, right?

Felicity?

Was she in our grade?

She's a plucky little redhead who
survived the goddamn Revolutionary War.

I have no idea what you guys are talking
about.

Okay. I was trying to be nice, but
it's...

Starting to be unhinged that you won't
actually just admit that it was you?

My American Girl doll?

Okay.

You guys are funny.

Enjoy the grapes.

Mm -hmm.

Okay. God, she's still such a fucking
liar.

You know what? We should go and cut off
her baby's hair.

Yeah. I bet she wouldn't post that on
Instagram.

I swiped up, and I bought her smoothie
powder, and I swear to God, it gave me

bed bugs the next day. Mm.

Coincidence? Maybe yes, maybe no. You
tell me. It's yes, for sure, because I

keep telling you you need to wash your
sheets more often.

Hey, honey.

Promise I'm not trying to do bathroom
talk, but you've been in there for a

while. Is everything okay?

Yeah.

Good. Yeah, I'm good. Come in.

Hey.

I'm not pregnant.

Oh.

Well, don't we do the testing part
together or you do it without me?

Yeah, sorry.

Sorry.

Oh.

Yeah, babe, I don't want to keep trying.

Like, right now or ever?

Ever.

Well, shit.

When are you?

Right now, are you sad? Are you
disappointed? Are you angry? You're

I think maybe I'm all of those things
and

maybe a little bit shocked, but I can
adjust.

So what do we do now?

I don't know.

Just, like, live.

Live, okay.

No, I can do that.

I can't believe I caught fucking Banks.

Yeah, you put me in a real tough spot
having to say they look great.

Today,

Abby and Abe.

Gabe. Gabe.

Of course. Sorry.

Don't like to mess up as a rabbi.

Thank goodness it wasn't a brisket.

Um, Gabe.

Abby and Gabe have chosen the name
Afternoon and Aliza

as their daughter's Hebrew name.

In Hebrew, the name Aliza means joyful.

So that is my hope for Afternoon and for
all of us, is to bravely seek out joy.

Even when it's hard, even when it feels
like there's no obvious solution,

because so many miracles had to happen
for these two people to find each other

and decide to make a family.

Giving her the name Elisa is to hope for
her to enjoy life. And how simple is

that?

Because if we can find joy in the
mundane and the imperfect, then we live

lives as if we're lucky, regardless of
what luck comes our way.

That's beautiful.

So, please join me in welcoming
Afternoon Aliza Bat

-Gabriel Ba 'Abi -Gael as our newest
member of the tribe, Mazel Tov.

Mazel Tov! Come on, let's go look
around. What if they do the

I really like the chairlifting. Just
stop.

Okay, give her back.

Can you say thank you, Rabbi?

Say thank you, Rabbi. It was my
pleasure.

It was my pleasure.

Say Rabbi.

She said it with her eyes.

It's like a Joni Mitchell -themed room.
It's very

weird.

Yasha Koch, Rabbi.

Oh, sorry about that. It's okay.

Gabe. Yes, yes, yes. No, no.

No, hey, full disclosure, I normally
completely zone out.

There was a Shabbat where I fell asleep
and woke up, everyone's just gone.

Yeah, but everything you, like the hope
and all the shit you were saying about

mundane is fucking unbelievable. Yeah,
wow, thank you. Yeah.

We shouldn't be in here. I'm starting to
get jealous of her baby.

I gotta do that. What are you, are you
using her baby's product?

Yes.

What? Come on.

Having sex with me is annoying. We came
here to mess with her, didn't we?

No.

I came here to support Noah.

Okay, I mean, sure, there was a small
part of me that wanted to mess with her,

but that was, like, hours ago. Oh, okay.
Well, I don't know what changed for

you, but Abby Loves Smoothies has always
been annoying, and I need you to

remember that, okay? Don't you remember
how her parents used to, like, wait

outside school for her, and they, like,
held hands?

Yeah.

But I think the most annoying part about
her is that she just...

She had a better childhood than we did,
and now she's got her big house and her

stupid family and her swipe -ups, and
it's like, I know that those are great

reasons to hate somebody. Okay, Joanne,
she cut off your doll's hair. Okay, have

a fucking spine.

Maybe I just don't care about it
anymore.

I don't know. The thrill of revenge
isn't hitting the same way.

I guess I'm mature.

My temple is actually looking for a new
rabbi. Sure. You guys, you, uh, you...

Have any leads? Have anyone in mind?

Well, we do now.

Yeah. Mm -hmm.

We're talking about me. He's so humble.

Yeah, we're talking about me. Oh, okay.
Amazing.

Listen, I'll set something up. You can
come and meet everybody. I would love

Sorry, one second. Yep.

I gotta take this, actually. Hey,
motherfucker.

I told you you got my kids' thing till
three.

I'm mature, too.

Morgan. I am mature.

No, you're not. Yes, I am.

Do you guys need something?

I was really hoping to keep people out
of here. We had to pee. Yeah. And then

got lost.

Are you wearing boots in the nursery?

No.

I can see you're wearing boots.

Okay.

You guys can make fun of me all you
want, but posting about my life is how I

make money for my family.

It let Gabe quit the towel industry and
me spend more time with my mom before

she died.

I can handle the judgment. Oh, we
weren't making fun of you for being an

influencer. We were making fun of you
for being happy.

And that's on us.

I really didn't know what you guys were
talking about with the whole doll thing.

And then after you said it, I realized.

I did cut your doll's hair, okay?

I'm mortified. But I was like 11.

I was so tired. You guys wouldn't let me
go to sleep.

But I'm sorry.

So psycho.

It really was. We were just kids.

Anyway, someone gifted my daughter one
of those dolls.

It's not the same girl, but I owe you a
doll. Oh, God, no. That's crazy. Thank

you. Oh, she's all yours.

Okay.

You know, it really sucks that you guys
hate me because the truth is, this is so

embarrassing, but I...

Love your podcast. I listen to you guys,
like, every week. It's why I hired your

rabbi boyfriend.

I tell people I grew up with them.

Oh, fuck.

No, Abby, we don't... Do you want to
come on the pod?

No. No, nobody wants to hear what I have
to say.

Or do you think... Do you think they
would?

I am building an empire.

Maybe... No, it's okay. You know what?
Let me just stay a fan.

Okay.

I'll reach out if I change my mind.

It was really good seeing you.

Can you get out of this room, please?

Oh, my God. Why didn't you tell me my
thanks had been showing this whole time,

through that whole time? I need to find
Noah.

Okay.

Appreciate you holding on the fort with
me. Sort of avoiding my father -in -law.

I gave him some sketchy investment. Oh,
yep.

Good luck. Here you go. Enjoy.

Hey. Hi.

I was looking for you. So, first baby
naming.

Give it to me. Oh, you named the shit
out of that baby.

The right answer. Yeah. It's the right
answer.

Um, no.

No? Yeah.

I'm sorry about earlier. I should have
been way more focused on the baby naming

than I was on Abby.

No, no, it's fine. But I realized
something while I was maybe going to cut

Abby's baby's hair.

What now? No, focus.

Okay. I spent my whole life not wanting
to be an adult.

Until now.

The truth is, I want to pick out
sconces. I want to obsess over my

kids too, just in like a less annoying
way.

All these things that I had disdain for,
I actually want.

I used to think I was so anti
-establishment, but as it turns out, I'm

establishment.

Prove it.

I want couple stationery.

And when you get invited on a boy's
trip, I want you to say, I gotta check

the boss. Of course I gotta check with
the boss.

And of course the answer's gonna be no.

I want all those things with you, too.

What about matching outfits?

Oh, don't push your luck.

Push me away by your side.

That's where I'll stay when everything
else just ain't one. Thanks for turning