Original subtitles

Okay girls, it's February 13th. Get ready for some weepy callers.

Valentine's Day is a trigger for straight people.

Oh yeah, what time is our lunch tomorrow?

Uh, noon.

At the fancy margarita place.

Wait, you two still do your Valentine's Day drunk lunch?

Yeah, duh, we've been doing it since middle school.

What about Noah and Dr.

Andy? Noah and I will probably just have like a low -key dinner. I mean, I'm not

really a Valentine's Day girl. See?

I never thought I was, but now that I'm with Dr. Andy, I am like so into it.

It's like, I don't know, maybe it's just about being with the right person.

Okay, you have to stop calling him Dr. Andy.

Yeah, I can't.

It's like someone asking you to suddenly start calling your teacher by their

first name.

You can't say the word Andy?

Andy.

Okay.

And maybe just stop having sex dreams about your boyfriend's dad, okay? Yeah,

sure. I'll try. Valid.

Okay, next we have Melanie.

My question is for Joanne. I heard your boyfriend on the podcast the other week.

Noah's Corner?

That's what he's been calling it. I know, gross.

Whatever, I just cannot believe that the prophet turned out to be Noah fucking

Rockloff. Ooh. I dated him a few years ago and it did not end well. He acted

like he was obsessed with me, but when I referred to him as my boyfriend, he

dumped me out of nowhere.

Oh, shit. That's a major red flag. No?

He's one of those guys whose MO is being romantic, so...

You feel like you have a special connection when really I could have been

literally anyone.

It's just how he is with everyone he dates.

Wow, Melanie, you're getting a lot off your chest. I mean, Melanie, that is

awful, okay? I'm so sorry that happened to you. You know, some guys are just

such assholes. For actual real, yeah. Walk us back to the very beginning and

just give us a play -by -play of exactly what happened. You know what? I think

she said enough. I don't think she said enough. She's not done.

She's not done. What?

She went back. She's done.

Ow!

We're cutting that.

Oh, my God, you literally broke my finger.

Ow, and you know what? Fuck you at the same time.

Literally, I can't move it now.

Oh, God, didn't you already have carpal tunnel?

Part of me was like, did this girl actually date Noah, or was she just

him? I mean, it was insane.

No, I mean, Melanie and I did date, but it was a long time ago. It was pretty

casual.

Right, well, like I thought, her version was inaccurate.

Yeah, she always thought we were so much more serious than I did, just because I

got her, like, flowers on her birthday.

You bought her flowers on her birthday?

I buy every woman in my life flowers on their birthday.

What else did you do that made her think it was serious?

I visited her mom in the hospital.

I'm a rabbi. What?

Okay, anything else?

I took her to my cousin's wedding, but it was like a small thing and it was a

last -ditch effort to see if we could even... He was your date to an intimate

family wedding? Yeah, I ended things right after.

But you can see how she might have been blindsided by that. Yes?

Yeah, I do. I do now. But, you know, it was a long time ago. I was young and

dumb and made some mistakes.

What about your other girlfriends, like Rebecca?

From what I understand, she felt pretty blindsided as well.

Joanne, this is crazy. Come on. I'm a good boyfriend.

You know that. I know. You're the best boyfriend.

until you say you were never their boyfriend at all. Listen, Melanie

thought everything I did meant I was her serious boyfriend, when in fact I was

just doing the things that you are supposed to do when you're dating

I think you need to reach out to Rebecca.

What? Why?

Because this girl made it seem like you were a walking red flag, Noah, and I

don't like the feeling that I'm having right now, and if this is a relationship

pattern of yours, I need...

I don't know. I think you should just sit with Rebecca, hear her side of the

story, and learn from it so that you don't one day do to me what you did to

them.

Okay. If it's that important to you, I will do it.

Thank you.

Will you do it right now, just so we can get it over with? Please. I just spent

three hours on the phone today with my mother. Come on. Don't make me do it.

Don't make me do it. Please don't. Okay. I'll do it right now. Thank you.

So, yeah, I mean, I think we were both aware that we had some major issues, but

we never did a proper post -mortem, so if there's anything you want to get off

your chest or ask me, I want to give you the space.

Okay, so, yeah.

Was definitely not aware that we were having major issues. You named our

children, referred to me as your forever family. We booked a non -refundable

trip to Portugal two weeks before you broke up with me.

I had zero idea that you were having any doubt.

No, but you were always so romantic and lovey -dovey with me. Listen, you were

my girlfriend. I didn't know what was going to happen between us. I didn't

for sure, so, you know, I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

You broke up with me. You hurt my feelings.

Okay.

I don't know what to say. I really am sorry.

I tried really hard to be a good boyfriend to you, and I honestly, I

was.

I'm sure you do.

Happy Valentine's Day, my love.

Baby, happy Valentine's Day.

Oh, God. Is this kiss from a rose?

The song you wish you lost your virginity to?

And my secret favorite meal. I mean, come on. There's more. There's a little

secret at the bottom of one of these scoops.

Okay.

Oh,

there it is.

Is this the start to a scavenger hunt? I mean, I gotta say, I get really turned

off by, like, riddles and puns. That's the key to my house.

Morgan, I want you to move in with me.

I can't get enough of you.

I can't get enough of you either, but I... Have we been together

long enough? Do we even really know each other?

Yeah. Those are valid questions, which is why you don't have to answer today.

I just... I want you to know this is where I'm at. And there's so much more

this beautiful day.

For this beautiful woman named Morgan.

Yeah, we're fine, you know. She made her points and I heard her.

God, she's so involved.

I wish all my exes were dead. Or at least in bad marriages, you know. So did

guys dissect the relationship? Listen, it's her first Valentine's Day together.

I don't want to talk about Rebecca, okay? I got a lot of surprises for you.

Okay, fine.

If you have surprises. I'm really looking forward to spending the whole

together. Me too.

I'm going to have lunch with Morgan, though. I thought we would just do,

dinner thing.

Okay, I did have a lunch plan.

We were going to take a pasta -making class at Austria Mozza.

Oh. You love pasta.

I do love pasta, and I love mozza.

Drunk lunch is kind of an annual thing.

Maybe we can invite Morgan, too. Maybe pasta and wine can serve as drunk lunch

this year.

All right, we'll check the app, see if there's room.

You ready to do presents?

Yeah, I want to go first. Oh, okay.

Hit me.

Ooh.

Big. What could this be?

Dig in, boy.

All right.

I like to read the card book.

Okay, it's right there.

Okay.

Holy shit.

Come on.

This was my favorite movie growing up. I always wanted this poster. My mom would

never let me have it because she said it didn't go with my room. I know. I

texted the matzo ballers for ideas and it all came together.

Gosh.

I love it. Thank you. Yeah.

You ready for yours? Oh, yeah.

Did Morgan help you?

I don't need any help.

Oh. Hold on. There's a car.

Gotta read the card.

Okay.

Oh, wow. You wrote me an entire card.

Yeah.

I'm gonna read it as soon as I open it.

Do you like it?

It's gorgeous.

It's a Jennifer Meyer, apparently. It's like a whole thing. It's definitely a

thing, yeah.

Okay, try it on.

Okay.

Okay.

Aw.

Looks beautiful.

What do you think, Jack?

Look familiar?

Hold on. I can't move. I'm being painted.

Another Dr. Andy's Valentine's Day gift.

Excuse me, sir.

Could I just please have, like, a minute? Thank you.

Thank you. I appreciate it.

Okay. Look.

It's the same necklace. The same exact one that Rebecca has. Oh, fuck.

Really? I know every photo of her that exists on the Internet, and this...

necklace with her name on it is in her linkedin profile oh my god noah rookie

move what did he just get all his girlfriends the exact same gift for

valentine's day i mean at least it's real gold right no morgan you don't get

for me this relationship is special and unique and i thought it was for him too

she's always saying how different i am than anyone else he's ever dated but

apparently i'm just the latest melanie or rebecca How would I even know, since

he treats us all exactly the same?

Okay, well, what are you going to do?

I'm going to see how the rest of the day goes, I guess.

But he's on notice.

Okay, well, keep me posted.

Hey, can you come back?

Thank you. I'm ready.

Is this a good angle?

And that would result in what I would call a good kind of chaos.

Now, you will see in slide four that statistics show only children are more

likely to commit violent crimes than children with siblings that is pictured

here. Oh, she actually looks really cute there.

Yeah, she does. She is also serving life in prison with no possibility of

parole. Now, on a more positive note, this is what ChatGPT thinks our next

could look like.

Oh, I hate it. I haven't seen it on the big screen. That's pretty alarming.

Hello. Oh, hey. Oh, shit.

The bubble machine. Yeah. I forgot.

Happy Valentine's Day, Queen Esther.

Oh, you mention it. They're even bigger than last year. For an unemployed guy,

you really get your priorities in order. Yeah.

You guys watching a horror movie? What is that? It's supposed to be what our

next baby would look like, but Esther doesn't let me take pictures of her, so

had to use one of my face mixed with Miriam's.

You're a sick, sick man.

Yuck. There are going to be a couple more slides in there, so why don't you

through the next couple. We're going to go get a bubble machine.

Okay. I hate this baby.

Oh, great, you made me hold it?

Giving Joanne the old Noah Rocklaw Valentine's Day special, I see.

Yep, never fails.

Hey, a hot goth in our house.

You saw Rebecca?

I started to get the play -by -play, huh? That's bad PR for you, bro.

Don't let Joanne find out about that. Dude, Joanne's the one who made me do

Is that the kind of freaky shit you guys are into? We got no thing about my

exes. I'm trying to make her feel better about it all. All right. You're going

to have to go hard, bro.

Might need another bubble machine.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

You guys look crazy.

Hey. What? I surprised Joanne with a tandem bike ride. We biked all the way

here.

Oh, okay. Wow.

Like Muppet style or...

It was cute. Yeah. I just didn't realize how many hills the city had.

Yeah. It's a tad more strenuous than Google Maps would lead you to believe.

Yeah. Well, exercise is medicine. And it will shake up some of that rootless,

out -of -work energy I get from you, Noah.

That's nice. Are you? Do you? Don't.

Oh,

my God. I just got a whiff of my dead grandma.

Oh! Yeah.

So Dr. Andy took me to this lab where this scientist made a perfume that

exactly like Grandma Minnie. It was crazy.

Yikes.

Ciao, ragazzi.

Welcome to Osteria Moda. We're so happy you chose to book an Airbnb experience

with us today.

And what a day it will be.

Because we will be making fresh cavatelli pasta from scratch.

Which we will enjoy... This is driving me crazy. I just have to do this. Oh, my

God. I have to do this. You look insane.

Okay, we're good. I will help you shape the pasta.

That's the money right there. What are we doing here?

What? It's cute. You love pasta.

I know, but when does the drinking start?

Excuse me. Are we going to be getting wine with our class today? Of course.

Allow me to pour your first tea.

There you go. Great.

Oh.

That's good.

Oh, no, you can keep going. More to come. Enjoy.

We can't get a full glass of wine?

I think it's a taste stain. I'm sorry.

No, don't be sorry. Yeah, drunk lunch where you can't get drunk. It's totally

perfect.

Do you want to go to the bathroom?

Sure. Okay.

All right, I'll see you.

Noah, I heard that you went on a date with your ex -girlfriend yesterday.

That's an interesting move, my guy.

Bringing me to a dance studio on Valentine's Day?

Babe.

What is this?

I thought you said tall men can't dance.

No, it's your dream, so let's try it, you know?

Hello, I'm Antonio, and today I'm going to teach you the art of the tango.

I'm listening.

Okay, I have a secret. Oh, my God, is that why you're smiling? I thought you

guys were on MDMA or something.

Okay, so Dr.

Andy asked me to move in with him.

He what?

I don't know.

Um... I mean, I am supportive.

Doesn't that feel a little fast?

I mean, nothing's decided yet. He said I could take as long as I need. Right,

right. Um, well, only you know what's right for you. Exactly.

Like, every couple moves at their own pace, right? Yeah, yeah.

Wait, what's that supposed to mean?

Like, literally what I just said.

Right, but not every pace is healthy or normal. I mean, some might say there's

such a thing as too fast. Uh, or too slow.

You know what, Morgan? You don't want to start this with me. What? A private

orchestra and Grandma Minnie's perfume? Come on, we make fun of stuff like that.

Okay, well, people change in relationships, yeah? You say babe, and I

amazing gifts that weren't also given to every girl who came before me, so...

Okay, well, I know you don't actually have to pee, so we should get back out

there. Oh, God, do we have to?

Listen, your boyfriend ruined drunk lunch. I know, I know, but... You have

admit, it looks fun.

There's a little drizzle.

Look at that!

That's amazing, too.

Perfecto. Is that perfect?

Should we grab a bottle of wine?

No, we cannot. Why not? I have a course for you in my purse. It'll be fun. We'll

be heroes. No, because we're here with a rabbi. We have to be cool.

Oh, God. Noah is such a narc.

Fine. Fine. Fine.

Do you have it in your hand? Ow!

Oh, God.

Five, six, seven, eight, and oh, one, and two, and three, and four, finish,

five. Excellent.

So I'm in like that, babe?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Eight. And five.

Six. Seven. Yes. Eight. And then it's sort of a great find.

And then she did like a... You're okay. It's a little bit dead weight, but he's

doing his best. Let's take a five.

Yay. Let's take a minute. Let's take a minute.

Okay. It's cute, babe.

It's so fun. Could you just like kind of stand right there? Am I taking a break

spot? Yeah, it's a beautiful break spot. Okay.

Antonio, hit it.

I like it. I want it. I got

it. I want it. I got it. I want it. I got it. I want it. I got

it. You like my hair? See, thanks. Just bought it.

Ridiculous. Do you know I'm getting targeted ads for chic moving companies

because of Morgan and Andy?

They're sick.

You want to take a bath together?

It's 75 degrees out. Come on.

Baths are fun.

baths are intimate why don't you come lay with me on the couch and i'll show

my tiktok algorithm that's intimate but taking a bath is like sitting on the

couch except it's better i just re -blow dried my hair to get rid of the helmet

wear a shower cap no that's the one thing i vowed i would never do in front

man come on it's valentine's day

see

it's not an ordinary bath.

It's an experience.

It's good, right?

Yeah.

It's a little hot. Are you hot?

No. No, no, no. No, I'm good.

Here.

Turn this way.

Easy does it. Easy does it.

There you are. I got you. Yeah. I love my eye.

You know what?

I'm going to turn the AC on just for a sec, okay?

Oh, God.

You are going to have to do that all over again so Miriam can see.

Wait, no. I'm not going to do a sexy dance for our daughter.

Oh, my God. That was supposed to be sexy.

Yes. Babe.

Oh,

it's Morgan. Yeah.

Answer it. Answer it. No.

No, no, no, it's fine. You can definitely answer it. I don't have to.

God. Hi, Morgan.

Hi. Hi, you have Esther and I here together on Valentine's Day.

Yeah, well, you don't have to be weird.

Morgan, why the fuck are you calling on Valentine's Day?

Because who the fuck cares that it's Valentine's Day? Haven't you guys been

married for like a thousand years?

Yeah, but it feels like one day to me.

Um, can Sasha come talk to me? I need advice.

Esther, you can come too. Oh, my God, thank you so much for the invite, but,

hell fucking no.

Why don't you go ahead and call back tomorrow or, you know, never.

Okay, well, I'm literally out front.

What?

Morgan. Oh, hey.

Fine. He can come outside and talk to you, like, through the car window for

minutes or less.

Perfect. Thank you. No, I'm getting a timer.

Okay, I think she's serious about the two minutes thing. I'll be right out.

Oh, hey.

Hi. Hi.

Hi.

What are we doing?

What's up?

Oh, um.

Can I get in? You're getting in the... Yeah, keep the window open.

All right. Do you want me to, like, do a voice recording and I'll play it for

you later? Yes. Okay.

But I didn't really think she was going to say yes. I'm just not going to do it.

I set the timer for two minutes.

Okay, well, this won't take long.

All right, so I know that everyone is, like, skeptical of me and Dr. Andy, but

just, like, for this conversation, will you just, like, set that aside?

Yeah, okay. Clean slate.

Okay, so, um... Dr. Andy asked me to move in with him.

Mm. Oh, wow.

Yeah? Yeah, moving in with somebody you just started dating, that's, like, the

worst idea ever. I know, I know.

No, I don't feel ready, but, like, I don't know, maybe I'm just scared?

Okay, well, being scared isn't, like, a reason to do something or not do

something. Mm. Right? Like, I still regret not going up on the stage at a

Angel show in Vegas.

That was probably smart, but, yeah.

What's up with this guy? He really fell in love with your therapist?

I really did.

I mean, and he, like, really loves me. I mean, I wasn't sure I would ever be

loved like this. I mean, I even thought I might just, I don't know, be

unlovable, period.

And I was, like, all ready to, like, look inward and, like, figure out what

exactly was so wrong with me. But then Dr. Andy came along and, like, now I

don't have to. And it's, like, amazing, you know?

Well, what's holding you back?

Intense, you know his love for me is like all -consuming and like I get like

really wrapped up in it when I'm with him But then I like leave to like take a

shower or something and I'm like, what am I doing? You know, this is moving

way too quickly. Okay, we'll slow it down.

You know, there's no rush Yeah You're right. Yeah, totally. Okay. I'm

just gonna like tell him that I cannot move in with him You know, it's just

too soon, you know, we're not the Beavers although those guys like They

waited for a long time. And two minutes.

Okay. Thank you. Great to see you.

Bye. All right. Oh, happy Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day. Thank you.

Bye. Bye.

Oh, what do you think of these right here?

Yeah, I love them.

And they're yours.

What do you mean?

A friend of mine did cross -pollination, and I arranged to have them named after

you. The Morkid.

Oh.

My God. Dr. Andy, this is way too much. No, no, no. Hold on. Morgan, hold on one

second. Hold on. Just look at me for a second, okay?

I know there's a tough, cynical woman inside of you, and she's shouting no to

all of this.

But these flowers are not for that woman.

These are for the Morgan whose parents didn't bring a single flower

When she started Memoirs of Acacia, ninth grade.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe you remembered that.

Are you kidding me? Of course I do.

Okay.

Let's do it. Come on. Yeah, let's move in. Come on.

Are you serious?

I'm serious. Oh, my God.

And we have to take all these home now. No, no, no. We can leave them. Okay,

yeah. But it's very sweet.

Yeah, it's heavy.

Hey, you okay?

Oh, yeah.

It's getting a little hot in there.

Mm. All right. Well, when you're ready, throw some clothes on, because I got one

more surprise for you.

Yeah? We're going on a night hike.

A night hike?

Yeah.

No good?

I just kind of want this day to be over.

I'm... Really?

What? No, uh, I say this with love.

This was the worst Valentine's Day ever.

What?

Did you get me the same necklace that you got for Rebecca?

Oh, I mean, not the same exact one. The same except mine says Joanne and hers

says Rebecca.

Oh, well then, yeah.

Noah, what the fuck? What? It's a beautiful necklace. I thought it would

perfect gift for my girlfriend.

But I'm not your girlfriend.

I'm Joanne.

Okay? I don't want you to do the things you just think you're supposed to do

when you're dating someone. I want you to do the things you do when you're

out with me.

Like... Okay.

Remember when you got me the nightstand? The most romantic thing ever? Yeah, I'm

not gonna get you a piece of furniture for Valentine's Day. Why not?

That's what you aren't getting. The way you are every day, naturally, that's

romantic.

It's when you slip into this, like, good boyfriend mode that it gets weird.

It's just...

It doesn't seem real.

Okay.

You know, Rebecca actually said something along those lines.

I'm sorry, what?

Yeah, she was... She was kind of angry. She felt like I let her on.

Why didn't you tell me this? I just didn't want you to see me through her

I don't want you to think of me as a bad person.

Oh, my God, Noah.

This, this version of you telling me the truth?

I like that so much better than the idea of you being a perfect person.

Because you're not perfect.

And that's a good thing.

There's only room for one perfect person in this relationship.

That's me. Yeah.

You know, I'm actually glad you hated this Valentine's Day.

I mean, hate is a really strong word. No, no, no, it's not, it's not. But

good, because listen, us...

being honest with each other, even when it's difficult, that's something I

actually haven't been able to do in any of these other relationships.

So to me, this is my perfect Valentine's Day.

Because it brought me to this.

Thank you.

And I can return the necklace.

Oh, no, I'm going to keep it. I just, it's the concept. No, I can return it.

no, don't you dare.

Okay, while we're being honest, I do have...

One little thing that bothered me that you did today. We're not really talking

about me, but... You didn't write me a card. I want a card that says how much

you love and appreciate me. There are like four days a year where you can get

card like that.

Today was one of those days. Can't really put your crumpled up wrapping

my card drawer, can I? I can't.

You have a card drawer?

Oh, you know I have a card drawer, you little snoop. Whoops.

I'm sorry I'm asking you this so late.

But Joanne, what would you like to do for your final hours of Valentine's Day?

Oh. Yeah.

You sure you're ready to hear it? Yeah, this is your time.

I want to get in this bed, turn on Love is Blind, and watch it alone,

by myself.

Is that okay?

Yeah. You sure? It's fine.

No, no, no.

It's your day.

Joanne.

I'm here if you need me.

Thank you.

This is crazy.

This is crazy.

Did you think that we'd be, like, sitting here, like, five days ago?

No. I have a really good feeling about these two. I think they're going to

laugh.

That was a short episode.

I turned it off.

Okay.

And I wrote you a card.

You wrote me a card.

A

lot of spelling

errors in here, huh?

I love it.

Maybe it's stupid, maybe it's reckless, send me a message anyway.

I fall in love in 30 seconds, love it rushes to the brain.

And that's okay, I say for sure, I was reminded that the same one.

And I can't find it, but we shall see, I can't keep loving more than we.

Baby, it's reckless to make this edge anyway.

All in love, it's mistaken.

Sudden rush into the brain.

I think for sure.