Original subtitles

Let me tell you about this girl.

Such a beauty, your toes will curl.

Eyes so bright, shining like a pearl.

When she's near, your head will whirl.

Watch out, she'll steal from you. Baby, little love, through and through for a

moment.

She'll be true, and then she'll break your heart in two. She's bad, bad, bad,

and drives me wild.

She's sort of boiled like a child She takes just

what she wants And never stops to ask She pledges her affection

But you know her love won't last She's a brat

She never will obey Just like that

She always

She charms you with a smile and makes you day.

She's a poor little brat, but she's okay.

She's a devil, she's a brat.

She's here to stay.

She's here to stay.

I found a number on the wall.

For a good time, give me a call.

I shouldn't even call at all.

Incredible.

Oh, man.

President Bush said this was a very serious situation, and he has ordered

American services on full alert.

Vice President Quayle confronted Nicaraguan Ambassador Del Dago Sanchez

in a dramatic moment, but Rivera merely dismissed the Vice President as an

imperialist stooge, to which Mr. Quayle replied, Oh yeah? Nyak, nyak, nyak.

Of course, the Nicaraguans denied the allegation.

and said they were fabricated by the CIA, the FBI, and the moral majority as

excuse for the long -anticipated American invasion.

President Bush indicated that most National Guard and Reserve units would

probably be called up immediately for a crash course in guerrilla warfare.

Vice President Quayle volunteered to lead his old Indiana National Guard

but President Bush said that wouldn't be possible since he was vice president

and was needed elsewhere.

In his gravest threat to the stability of Central America, and therefore the

United States, President Bush said, we must be prepared.

This indeed is a grave situation.

And now, back to more music on KKUZ.

Thank you.

Ah.

Grrr.

Oh yeah.

Oh, shit.

Oh, yeah.

U .S. Army.

Greetings, Private Dickinson.

Owing to the crisis in Nicaragua, your reserve unit has been recalled to active

duty.

You are hereby ordered to report immediately to Fort Weber, Alabama, the

States Army. I don't believe this.

Wait, I'll call Judge Fowler. He'll get you off.

Otherwise, I can call my buddy, the Congressman.

He does me a favor.

Talk about Morty. Of course I'm going.

What? Don't you realize what a big opportunity this is? I get to be a part

big picture?

But it's like a Vietnam War is brewing over there.

I'm a soldier, don't you realize? I'm not supposed to give orders. I'm

to take them.

Well, what about Nuremberg?

Who's he?

It's not a he. It's a town in Germany.

It's where they held a Nazi war crimes trial.

They tried to get off by saying they were just following orders.

Morty, I was so excited about going, and now you're twisting us into something

horrible and frightening.

That's what war is.

You always said I should be more adventurous, remember?

I know, I know.

Don't worry, Morty. I'll take care of myself. When I come home, marching home

the big victory parade, you're going to be there waiting on the side for me and

proud of me.

All right, honey.

Anything you say.

I gotta go pack now.

My country calls.

And don't you worry about that Numenberg thing.

Because I'm gonna fight real hard and blow my enemy's asses away.

And cut his dick off with my baguette.

But the first time they ask me to do something bad, I'm gonna refuse.

I'm Colonel Dykstra, and the first thing I want all of you to forget is that

you're men and women.

You're soldiers, period.

And you'll be training here, together.

And when we hit Nicaragua, and I mean hit Nicaragua, we will kick the balls of

those commies' spick -asses up and down the Caribbean.

When we hit Nicaragua, you'll be depending upon each other for your very

You'll be lying in the mud together, sleeping together, watching each other's

ass.

There'll be no time and no room for sexual arousal.

That's right, you're soldiers.

Sexless soldiers.

I want all thoughts of sex out of your mind. We don't have time for this now.

It's too dangerous.

No thoughts of tits, little soft brown asses and cute little pussies.

And certainly no time for cocks and hairy chest. We have no time for

thoughts of sex. Is that clear?

Yes, ma 'am. I can't hear you. Yes, ma 'am.

Now, this is a very important mission, and I don't want it getting fucked up.

I want our commander -in -chief to be proud of us.

I want his beautiful, sexy wife, Barbara, to be proud of us.

I want Ollie North.

To be proud of us.

Now, we begin training at our 500 hours tomorrow morning.

And I think the first thing we ought to do before we bed down tonight is take

care of this sexual thing. Kind of get this out of the way.

Once we're used to each other being naked, we won't have to worry about that

crap anymore, now will we?

Now strip.

Strip now. Let's go. You heard me.

That's right.

Take off all your clothes.

Everybody's taking off all their clothes.

Nothing to be ashamed of here.

I mean, we're all soldiers.

Isn't that right?

Soldiers? Right.

What's the matter with you clowns? Let's go.

Well, when I say stand at attention, we really stand at attention.

Your country would be proud of you.

Proud of each and every one of you.

Well, almost.

We'll work on that, won't we?

Anyway, welcome to this historic lesson in time here.

Now turn in.

Get dressed.

Move it out.

Good for you.

I want to see you in my quarters as soon as you're together.

Yes, ma 'am.

Shit. Look at these bitches.

And if I had a dick, I'd fuck every single one of you. You're just asking

it.

Hiding behind all that brawn.

You know what you really want.

Jesus.

Girl?

Just a second.

Private Dickinson, it's you.

You wanted to see me, Colonel?

Yes, I did.

You know, I remember back a few years ago in boot camp when you first signed

Yes, ma 'am.

I knew you had the right stuff.

Boy, you do.

Thank you, ma 'am.

That's why I called you up here on this emergency assignment.

And I'm real sorry I had to take you away from your pickle.

Pickle? Oh, you mean my husband.

I get it.

Yeah. See, you're very bright.

So I have a special assignment for you.

You do?

Visit infantry?

Sabotage a spy?

Of course not.

None of that dangerous stuff.

I'm going to keep you here at headquarters.

And you'll be my administrative assistant.

But, sir... And I'm sure you'll find some special way of thanking me for

you out of the muck and mire of war.

It's not fair. You can't do this to me.

You ungrateful little bitch.

You know, all I really wanted from you was a little favor.

I hope you'll find some way of changing my mind.

Um, perhaps I could.

If I start undressing you?

That'll do, for starters.

Like they say, there's a right way, the wrong way, and the army way.

That's right.

I don't think we'll make a soldier out of you yet.

Ever seen anything like that, Private?

No,

I didn't think so.

I see a lot of new things.

We learn quick, real quickly.

I like that in a soldier.

You're not private.

You know anything about teamwork?

I think you do.

I'll tell you a little bit about it.

What?

You get behind me.

I'll get behind you.

And I'm sure we'll get this whole duty thing well taken care of. Yes, ma 'am.

Trust me.

I know what I'm doing.

Sit back and enjoy.

I had you all figured out.

I think that's it. Right.

I'm going to eat you from the heart of my own child.

And this time, I'm going to make you cum.

Maybe like you've never done before.

uh

I think she ruined it. Wow.

Hmm.

Oh, well, is your old lady home? I was wondering if maybe we could wrap a while

or something.

No, actually, my old lady, she helped join the army. She's involved in this

Nicaraguan thing.

You mean she fell for this government bullshit?

Yeah, I guess.

Hey, it's Sunday afternoon. Shouldn't you be out grooving or tripping or

something? And you're just standing idly by while your wife is being used as

cannon fodder for this stuff?

serving government fucking adventures overseas.

Hey, um, by the way, would you like to give me a, um,

massage?

Uh, sure. What are neighbors for?

Great, great.

Well, I hope you don't mind. I mean, most guys get sexually aroused when they

see naked breasts and tight round butt.

Yeah, well, those people are just weird, sick perverts.

Every one of them. Yeah.

So, tell me, what can I do about my wife?

Get involved, man. I mean, we already went through this in Vietnam.

You know, I mean, think of what a waste it is to take all these young, virile,

strapping young men and women and throw their lives away.

They are young and virile.

I mean, these people are the cream of our youth. I mean, on a biological

these people are the most sexually attractive, capable of producing the

offspring.

Yeah, that's right.

And they're all together in the jungle.

I mean, these hard and firm young men and women just marching to their death.

And your wife is with them. That's right.

Yeah, hard, firm body, all knowing they're going to die.

They'll all want to get in some last -minute fucking.

I mean, this whole Nicaraguan thing, I mean, it just proves once again how the

big American cock just keeps going into these other countries and raping them,

plunging in and out and in and out.

And in and out and in and out. You're absolutely right.

You know, I am going to get involved.

Well, um...

But you like to also get involved in the, I mean, love movement, huh?

Well... No, no, no, no. You

actually better go.

I gotta pack.

I gotta pack.

Here, here's your clothes.

Well, I'm all right.

I'll catch you later, dude.

I know what you're thinking.

Any other porno movie, they would have had a sex scene here.

But it would have been gratuitous and totally unconnected to the story. And

happens to be a quality production.

Yeah, right.

2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, keep it going,

9, 10, 11.

What is this?

This is the sloppiest looking shit I ever saw. Let's get some water here. Up!

Come on, let's go. Keep it up, keep it up. Can't you people do the jumping

jacks? What's the matter with you?

Watch me!

Soldier, get your hands off your jack.

I don't think you really weigh that much, do you?

get a taste of what it's like to live and fight in the jungle we're also gonna

learn how not to die in the jungle because when you're a soldier and you

killed you're up shit's creek

what's

so funny sergeant uh nothing ma 'am pretty damn Stupid to laugh when there's

nothing funny, Sergeant.

I don't know what came over me, ma 'am.

You're the red team.

Your objective will be to go into the jungle and secure a village.

And you will keep that village secure.

Lieutenant Harvey, you're in command here. Do you think you can handle that?

With very little difficulty, ma 'am.

You're a cocky motherfucker, Lieutenant.

I like cocky motherfuckers.

Thank you, ma 'am.

You're the yellow team.

I will personally be in command of this team's action.

And our task will be to go into the jungle and take that village that the

team has secured.

Now listen up. This is a serious competition.

The winners receive a week's pass.

And the losers will remain on jungle duty.

Are we motivated?

Yes, ma 'am. All right, red team. Move out to your objective.

Yellow team, fall out.

Isn't this neat?

Yeah, we'll see.

It could be pretty rough trying to live in the jungle, you know.

Heck, I've won lots of badges in Girl Scout.

You have?

Yeah.

Better go grab something.

Dickinson, you better get your ass in gear.

Colonel, why don't you lighten up a little bit?

Sergeant, do I have to remind you that I outrank you?

Don't you forget it.

Colonel, I realize you're above me.

However, just once, I'd like to get you below me.

Funny man, you'll be fetching the firewood tonight.

Hey, let me get that for you, darling.

Thank you, Private Kensington.

You're welcome, and you know, I'm not really a soldier.

I'm a stockbroker.

So, uh, you can call me Lloyd, okay?

Gee, thanks.

You're welcome.

Come on.

Isn't this the shits?

I hate doing this shit.

All right, since Miss Fang is so tired, we'll stop here for now.

And this is our chow.

Juniper berries.

These taste horrible.

Well, excuse the piss out of me, Grace Kelly.

They happen to be very high in protein.

Right. Very good for the balls.

Helps build up the cum.

Of course, you women don't have balls, right?

You know, you're getting on my nerves, Sharpley.

We also have rabbit from yesterday.

And that's good for the muscles.

Right. Makes you hard all over.

Damn you, Sharpley.

Can I say something?

I mean, we're all soldiers here, right?

We're not men, women, just soldiers.

You sure look good in this, the pig.

It's funny, I just saw a pair like this at the gallery the other day.

Life's so damn ironic, isn't it?

I love how your tits jiggle when you laugh.

And I love how your balls wiggle when you laugh.

You can tell?

Just a wild guess.

Come on, Fisk.

Hurry up, you lazy bum.

Hey, Private Fisk, where are you?

God damn it, Fisk. Where have you been?

We've been here for a half an hour now. You got our belongings in these packs.

You got to empty these packs. You got to get some firewood. You got to start a

fire. We got a lot of work to do around here, man.

Yes, sir.

You're not pulling your chair.

Come on, Fisk.

Jesus, man.

It's probably going to get comfortable.

Huh? Did your mama teach you to be that slow?

No, sir. What is wrong with you, man?

Jesus. And I want you to look out for the yellow team, too. Okay?

Yes, sir.

So where were we?

You know, you got to know who your enemy is.

I mean, you don't know who's who.

Like these rebels in Nicaragua.

They kiss like this.

Hey, go about your business, Fisk.

I'm keeping the morale of these troops high.

I told you to go about your business.

Morale is high, then victory is nigh. Didn't you watch any of these war

pictures?

Oh, Jimmy Crackhorn, and I don't care.

Jimmy Crackhorn, and I don't care.

Jimmy Crack Corn and I don't care, my master's gone away.

When I was young I used to wait on master and give him his

plate and pass the bottle when he got dry

and brush away the blue tail fly.

Jimmy Crack Corn and I don't care.

Jimmy crack corn and I don't care.

Jimmy crack corn and I don't care.

My master's gone away.

All right.

Evening, Colonel.

What a sweet little choir we have here.

But if you think you're going to continue to sing through the evening, I

bring it down a few notches.

I'm going to bed.

Yes, sir, ma 'am.

Regulation 90, Private?

Damn cute.

Reveille 0500.

Good night.

0500.

Well, you two, time for this old warhorse to hit the sack.

Don't stay up too late.

And don't let the bed bugs bite.

Worth hell, isn't it?

Yeah.

Being out here you kind of get lonely.

Thank you.

Did you come and sleep with my dad?

You're in the army now.

Is there a problem, Colonel?

This happens to be

my blanket.

I want to know who's responsible for this lack of hot water.

Well, you'll have to understand, Colonel, we don't have all the amenities

home here.

And seeing as how this is my blanket, I believe I'll share it with you, if you

don't mind.

What the hell do you think you're doing, sharply?

I'm just trying to help, Colonel.

Well, I guess you've been in the wild a little long, and

I suppose I could forgive you just this once.

Women are obviously stronger.

Colonel, shut the fuck up.

Right.

You realize that when this is over, I'm going to have to reprimand you.

Oh.

I said when this is over.

Oh.

This is the army, however.

You're not supposed to be fucking your commanding officer.

Colonel, it was either that or put a grenade in your sleeping bag.

Well, I...

Think I like this a lot better

come on

Yes, sir.

I mean, yes, sir, ma 'am.

Remind me to reprimand you.

Yeah. A little later.

How about tomorrow about this time?

Who goes there?

Condom Man.

I'm here to refill the machines.

Right. Go ahead, buddy.

Um, say, pal, you wouldn't happen to have seen a private Dickinson by any

chance, would you?

She's an old friend of mine.

Oh, yeah.

Nice pitch. Great ass.

Yeah, right.

They're with that group over there training.

Training? They're supposed to ship out to southern Guatemala next month.

Uh... You know where they're going?

Can't tell you that.

Classified.

Right.

Okay, yeah.

Hey, class. Keep up the good work.

Kind of man, huh?

You must be with the CIA.

Well, no, actually, I'm, uh, I'm condoms.

Hmm.

I've never seen one like this before.

It actually looks like it would feel good.

Uh, did I also mention that I'm a condom demonstrator?

Cute.

Just joking.

Oh, that's too bad.

Well, actually, I was joking about joking.

Gee, you're sure a sight for sore eyes.

I am?

Of course you are.

I've been up here for a month. They put me up here so I wouldn't get burnt out.

I'm on a secret mission.

I'm from Secret Services.

Nice to meet you.

Say, I'm looking for a private Dickinson.

Have you seen her?

Yeah, she's on a training mission somewhere.

Oh, well, I have to find her.

Come here.

You're kind of a mystery, aren't you, Mr. Condor Man?

I love mysteries.

That's great, but could you help me find Private Dickinson, please?

I'm Angelica.

Hi, I'm Mark.

Can you help me find her?

Oh, she's out in the jungle somewhere. She'll be back later.

Yo, I can't wait. I gotta find her. Maybe I can find someone else who can be

little bit more specific about what she is.

You sure know how to hurt a girl.

Well, you gotta understand, she's my wife.

You're married?

Yeah, I'm married, but I'm not a fanatic about it or anything.

Um, I'd love to stay and chat, but I really gotta go.

Listen, I'm not very good at this, but I find you attractive.

And would you like to fuck?

Uh, well, I'll do anything to get information.

Anything?

Yeah.

But I got to warn you, I'm a little nervous.

I've never done it with a special service person before.

Just think of it as a mission you have to fulfill.

Do you want to put your hat on?

Yeah, why not?

I made a lot of money for these hats.

Wow.

Check it out.

So, how's that for R &R?

It's better than pinball in the opposite lounge.

I'll say.

Well, listen, are you sure you can't be just a little bit more specific about

where my wife is?

Of course not. It's top secret.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know all about top secret, but what happened to leaks?

I mean, I've got to find my wife, and I'm going to.

Look, don't go.

I like you.

I like you too, but I've still got to find my wife.

It's dangerous.

Yeah, I know all about the snakes.

No, it's not that.

There's going to be an assassination.

What?

They would shoot me if they knew I told you this, but I'm with the CIA.

You're on some sort of an assignment.

You're mixed up in this Nicaragua thing.

Of course.

I'm a double agent.

They're just trying to create a situation to give us an excuse to invade

knew it. I knew it. What's your assignment?

Well, I'm posing as a Nicaraguan spy.

And I was supposed to shoot one of the soldiers in guerrilla training.

One of our own men?

Well, then people would get all freaked out and we'd be able to invade

Nicaragua. That's disgusting.

Actually, it makes a lot of sense if you stand back and check it all out.

Yeah, well, it doesn't make any fucking sense to me.

Look, don't worry, okay? Your wife won't be the hit. If you promise it, you'll

stay out of this.

This is big and scary, and you're not going to end up like Cary Grant in an

Alfred Hitchcock movie.

You'll end up shredded.

Yeah, you're right.

Thanks for the advice.

By the way, the sex was great.

Be careful out there.

Come here.

Oh, baby.

Hurry up.

You've got a hot pussy in there.

Fisk. It's getting a little crowded in there.

I need you to do me a favor. I want you to go down the road here and keep an eye

out for the yellow team.

Why?

Because I want to fuck the girls here.

Well, what about me, sir?

What about you?

Can't I fuck them too?

No.

Yes, sir.

Come on.

And no peeking, Kurt.

Come on.

Get up here.

Let's get some of this stuff out of here.

Move this. Look, this mess. I can't believe this guy.

Mother never taught him too well.

It kind of meant it.

Oh, yeah.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Fuck that big dick.

Fuck that big dick?

Fuck that big dick, baby. I like it. I like your big dick.

Fuck. Oh, yeah.

Come on, call me dirty man. Oh, come on, you bitch. Yeah. Oh, I like that. Oh,

yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Call me a dick. Come on.

Call me a dick. Oh,

yeah. Oh, yeah.

Talk to me. Talk to me.

Talk to me. Oh, I can't stand it.

Definitely dingo berries, all right.

Oh, that's pretty good.

These should not be confused with the similar looking firman berries, which

cause immediate and painful diarrhea.

That's what I call a rapid -fire weapon, huh?

Oh, man.

Oh, God.

Pick him up, pal. Pick him up. Reach for the

stars.

Don't put your finger in the back trick, huh?

All right.

Got one. Up that hill.

Don't turn around that way.

Don't turn around.

Hey, come on.

Hurry up. We don't want to have all day.

What the hell?

Hey, who are you, CIA?

No, are you?

I'm sorry, sir. He took it from me.

Shut up, dickhead.

I'm looking for my wife, Private Julie Dickinson.

Listen, buddy, that's classified information.

And why don't you hand over that rifle? That's U .S. Army property.

Look, pal, I happen to know for a fact that there's a plot to assassinate

someone. Now, I know that it's one of the soldiers, and one of those soldiers

better not be my wife. Now, where is... is she?

Morty! Julie.

Well, well, well. Looks like the yellow team wins, fuckface.

And who is this? CIA?

No, I'm not.

Oh, a real secure village you've got here, Harvey. You know, and some

dork can come in and take a rifle. Why are these soldiers naked?

Julie, we've got to get out of here.

They're assassins hired by the CIA.

What are you talking about, Morty?

Get him! He's a dirty rotten devil!

Ow!

You get the sniper. I'll take care of this. I'm shot.

Oh, God, I'm shot.

It's my bleeding.

Ow!

Morty, you saved my life.

Did it hurt, Dad?

Only when I sit down.

What's going on here?

The CIA posing as Nicaraguan agents.

They were going to shoot one of you to get public support to invade.

Oh, that's brilliant.

Leave her alone.

Morty, are you all right? I tried to stop him. I couldn't let him go through

with it.

What are you talking about?

He's really a good guy in all different ways.

Take my word for it.

Thanks, but I don't get it. Have you two met before?

Let's just say we engaged in a conversation.

Honey, let's go home with love.

Oh, yeah.

About time I got an honorable discharge.