Original subtitles

"The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet," starring

the entire Nelson family.

Here's Ozzie.

Here's Harriet.

Here's David.

Here's Rick.

Here they are, America's favorite family, the Nelsons.

Tonight's "Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet"

is brought to you by new Lustre-Creme shampoo

liquid and concentrate.

Your hair behaves beautifully with Lustre-Creme shampoo.

You mean your hair.

Well, yours would too.

And yours too, you know.

- Hi. - Oh.

Hi, Rick.

You're a little early, aren't you?

Yeah. Is Dave here yet?

No. He's been in court all morning.

Do you want to see him about something special?

Yeah, in a way.

I wanted to give him a little warning.

What about?

Well, a couple of guys from the alumni association

are looking for him. What's the matter?

Hasn't he paid his dues?

No, it's nothing like that.

In fact, it's even worse.

They're trying to stick him with a job of fraternity advisor.

Well, I don't know what that is,

but it sure doesn't sound like much fun.

Believe me, it isn't.

I pity the poor unsuspecting alumnus who gets stuck with it.

Why? What does he have to do?

Well, he's got to sit-in on all the meetings and give

the undergraduates advice on how to run the fraternity.

That doesn't sound too bad.

Well, maybe not.

But the mortality rate sure is high.

We've gone through three of them so far this term.

And now they want Dave for the job?

Well, yeah-- so I understand.

That's why I came down here, to warn him.

Wait a second.

Would this have anything to do with a man named Harvey Atkins?

Yeah. He's on the committee.

Oh.

Well, he and a Mr. King made an appointment

to meet Dave here this morning.

- Good morning. - Mr. Atkins?

That's right.

Hi, Brother Atkins.

Hi, RIck. Rick, this is Brother King.

Brother Rick Nelson. How do you do?

Hi.

This is Miss Edwards, Mr. Atkins, and Mr. King.

- Well, how do you do? - Hello there.

Don't give me the grip. I'm not a member.

You know, you're prettier than your voice sounds on the phone.

Oh, come on, now. You college boys are all alike.

Is David here yet?

Well, he's been in court this morning,

and sometimes those things take a little longer

than you figure.

Well, you do expect him back before lunch, though.

Don't you?

Well, I know he should be back here sometime this afternoon.

Gee, I don't know, Charlie. What do you think?

Well, I suppose we could come back.

He will be back here. Won't he?

As far as I know.

Well, maybe we could drop back around 2:00.

Will that be OK? I'm sure it will.

OK. Fine.

We'll see you later. Bye, bye.

- Bye. - Nice to have met you.

Thank you.

Well, David-- just in time.

Class of '38.

- Oh, sure. - How are you?

Just fine.

I think you know Brother King, class of '37.

Brother King.

Hi there, Dave.

Well, what can I do for you?

Well, now, we know you're a busy man,

so we'll try not to take up too much of your time.

That's OK.

Why don't we step into my office?

Well, thank you.

Yeah, the boys over at the fraternity sure

think a lot of you, Dave.

Oh, really?

Gee, I hardly ever get over there.

We'll remedy that.

Won't we, Charlie?

Well, that's why we're here.

What do you think?

Well, Mr. Advisor, here we are-- ready to take over

your new job.

I still think I should have fired you for not warning me.

Relax, will you? Don't worry about it.

The guys have quieted down a lot since you've been in school.

- I hope so. - Hi, Rick.

Hi.

You mean you're our new fraternity advisor?

- I'm afraid so. - Oh, well, that's great.

I mean, it's too bad for you. But it's great for us.

Yeah, congratulations.

This is what we've needed all along, a lawyer.

The last two guys we had were accountants.

Hey, why don't we have a big party?

Welcome to our new advisor. Hey, that's a great idea.

Thanks, fellas.

But, really, I'd rather you wouldn't.

Oh, well, that's OK.

You don't have to come if you don't want to.

I just came over to pick up the books

and look them over before the meeting Monday night.

What meeting is that?

Do we have a meeting Monday night?

Yeah.

Isn't that when you usually have your business meetings?

Oh, yeah. That's right.

We can't have it this Monday night.

We've got that relay race with the Betas.

The what?

We're racing the Betas around the block for a keg of beer.

Oh, maybe we could cancel it.

We've lost to them for the last three Monday nights, anyway.

Well, look, fellas.

I'd really like to have the meeting, if you wouldn't mind.

No, no, sir. Not at all.

- Where can I pick up the books? - Well, let's see.

Does anybody know where the books are?

They're probably in the house manager's office.

Oh, that's right. Who is the house manager?

Well, we haven't got one right now.

He flunked out. Remember?

There must be some books around here someplace.

Oh, we've got them.

It just may take a little time to find them.

I'll wait.

We don't have much time right now.

Why not?

Oh, we've got to serenade the Kappas in about 15 minutes.

Who?

Oh, the sorority up on the corner.

Why? Is somebody getting engaged?

No.

We raced them around the block last night and lost.

See what a mess I've walked into?

Well, you don't have to straighten all this stuff up.

Do you? What else can I do?

If I'm going to give them any financial advice,

I got to know where they stand.

What the heck are these doing in there?

Some guy probably floated a loan

and left those as collateral.

You got an old watch here, a ring--

ow!

a mouse trap.

That's probably to keep the guys out of the petty cash.

My finger is busted.

You could sue them, if you want to.

But I doubt if their insurance is paid up.

Hey! Anybody home?

Oh, come on in.

Hi, Joe.

Hi, Oz.

Hi, David.

Oh ho.

So that's the way you keep the men's club books straight,

huh-- have David come over and help you?

I'm afraid it's just the opposite.

I got talked into being the fraternity advisor,

and I came over to get Pop's help.

Oh, well, good luck.

Thanks. I'm going to need it.

Let me give you a little advice from an old family

friend-- don't turn into a grouch, like your old man.

Well, now, what do you mean by that?

Well, let's face it, Oz.

You're pretty tough on us down at the men's club--

makes us pay our dues on time, makes

us listen to the treasurer's report twice a year.

Which reminds me, you haven't paid last month's dues yet.

You see what I mean?

Oh, now I get it.

You had a fight with Clara, and you lost.

So you came over here to take it out on me.

I did not lose.

Well, maybe I did.

But that has nothing to do with it.

The men's club is supposed to be in the Chamber of Commerce

parade next month, and we don't even

have enough money to buy funny hats for ourselves.

What are you talking about?

We have plenty of money for something like that.

You hear that, David. I've got a witness.

He said we have plenty of money.

And that's why I'm here, to get you to turn some of it loose.

Well, OK.

You can spend whatever you need for the parade.

Great.

That's more like it.

And let that be a lesson to you, David.

Whenever those fraternity guys come

around trying to get money out of you,

you've got to be tough and learn to say no.

Don't be a pushover, like your father.

What's this?

I better get out of here, before he changes his mind.

OK.

The following members are two months behind in their dues--

Phillips, Andrews, Twitchell, Jensen, Doyle, and Harper.

- I didn't hear your name. - Quiet.

You're out of order.

But if you must know, the reason my name is not on the list

is because I'm three months behind.

OK.

Is there any more old business?

Yeah, Phil?

We haven't heard from the CSBPW.

The what?

Well, the Committee to Sabotage the Betas' Paddy

Wagon. Oh, yeah.

I have the report here, Mr. Chairman.

OK. Let's have it.

- Paddy wagon? - Yeah.

The Betas bought an old patrol wagon.

- What for? - I don't know.

Just to drive around in, I guess.

Well, the following is a report from the Committee

to Sabotage the Betas' Paddy Wagon--

mission accomplished.

We let air out of three of the tires, wired

the horn to the ignition, and put Limburger cheese

under all the seats.

OK.

Thank you.

Now, it's my pleasure to introduce you

to our guest for this evening, our brother and new fraternity

advisor, Dave Nelson.

Hey, let's have three cheers for Dave.

Hip, hip-- Hooray.

- Hip, hip-- - Hooray.

- Hip, hip-- - Hooray.

OK.

Fellas, give him a chance.

Thanks a lot, fellas.

I'm glad I got all those cheers before I started

reading the report because I've got

a feeling you're not going to be too happy with some

of the things I have to say.

Good old Dave. What a sense of humor.

Mr. Chairman, I'd just like to say something.

Some of our first and second year men

may not know Dave here.

But, well, when Dave was an undergraduate,

he's the fellow that ran the dean's pants up the flagpole.

That was a few years ago.

Anyway, I'll make my remarks as brief as possible.

I had a chance to look over the fraternity books this weekend.

And, well, as the dean said to me

when he called me into his office,

I'm afraid you're in a little trouble.

You're not only operating in the red financially,

but, from all indications, your credit

is practically nonexistent.

You're going to have to find some way to cut down

your expenses drastically.

Oh, come on, now, Dave.

You can't be serious. I sure am.

And if that doesn't work, you're going

to have to either increase your dues

or have a special assessment.

Well, how can we cut down on expenses?

Well, the first thing I'd suggest

is that you cut out all these parties you've been giving.

Your social life is getting out of hand here.

We've got a dance coming up Friday.

Oh, yeah.

But I'm sure Dave doesn't mean a little party like that.

What do you mean little party? It's our gourmet musicale.

Shut up.

Oh, sorry.

Well, I don't care what it is, as long as it's cheap.

Cheap?

I've got what I think is a constructive program here.

It's a list of suggestions as to how

you can cut down expenses and bring in a little revenue.

This is ridiculous.

Yeah.

If they raise the dues any more, I'll have to quit.

- Well, good night, fellas. - Good night, Mr. Nelson.

- Good night, Mr. Nelson. - Good night, Mr. Nelson.

Good night, Mr. Nelson.

I realize they're not too happy about this,

but this is the situation.

And somebody's got to do something about it.

Yeah, I guess so.

Well, I got to get home. I'll see you later.

Good night, Mr. Nelson.

Hey, Dave, have you seen the Miller contract?

Dave?

- Huh? - Never mind.

Here it is.

Gee, what's the matter with David?

It's like he's walking in his sleep or something.

Well, I think he's worried about the Hartford case.

He doesn't know whether to settle out of court or not.

That's a tough one to figure out.

You know what? I just thought of another idea.

We could turn all the showers off, except for a half an hour

every day.

Think of all the money we'd save on the water bill.

Some of those guys stand in there for hours.

Is that what you're worried about, the fraternity?

Well, somebody's got to figure out how

to save some money over there.

Well, we've already saved a fortune

on our no food, no music dinner dance

tonight and a few other money saving regulations

you dreamed up.

Oh, come on, now.

It's not that bad. Oh no?

You ought to hear what the guys are saying over at the house.

Look, I didn't take this job to win any popularity contests.

You took it because they caught you by surprise,

and you couldn't think of a way to get out of it.

OK. I'll be quiet, sir.

They're not calling the party off, are they?

Oh, no.

Not that I know of.

In fact, I'm sure they're not.

I know I told them to cut down on expenses,

but they're still having refreshments and stuff.

Aren't they? Oh, yeah.

I guess so. What do you mean?

Are they, or aren't they?

Well, I'm sure they'll have something.

Well, what are they going to have?

Look, Dave.

I know you're my brother, but I've

got about 50 other brothers over at the fraternity.

Are you trying to tell me something?

Are you kidding?

I'm trying not to tell you anything.

Oh, hiya, Dave. You're a little early.

I'm not coming to the dance.

I just thought I'd drop by and see how things are going.

Oh, fine, thanks.

The guys really seem to have gotten the message.

We're cutting down on refreshments, decorations.

Excuse us, fellas.

Watch it, Dave.

What the heck is all this stuff?

The decorations.

- You must have spent a fortune. - Now, don't get excited.

We're sharing them with the Fiji.

They're having a luau tomorrow night.

Now, I know it looks extravagant,

but it really isn't. Believe me.

You'll be surprised when you see the bill.

I'll bet.

Be careful. Don't scratch the walls.

Excuse me, sir. The caterer is here.

- Oh, good. - The caterer?

Well, sure.

We've got to have something to eat.

Well, yeah.

But I thought you guys would have potato chips

or something like that.

Potato chips at a gourmet musicale?

Excuse me, sir.

Peter wants to know if we'll be serving champagne.

Champagne?

For gosh sakes, pledge.

Haven't you heard we're on an economy drive around here?

This happens to be Mr. Nelson, the fraternity advisor.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

I thought you were the orchestra leader.

Orchestra leader?

You're going to have an orchestra?

Now, don't get excited. It's not the Boston Pops.

Come on, pledge. Get to work.

Look, evidently, I didn't get through to you guys.

The fraternity doesn't have any money.

You're broke.

This is liable to be the last party you ever give.

Yeah, but what a way to go.

No.

I really mean it, Dave.

I promise you we'll start cutting down, starting

first thing in the morning.

A little later tonight?

- Right now. - That's what I was afraid of.

Careful.

Don't scratch that chair.

Now, remember-- make sure everybody sees it,

but don't let anybody take any. Yes, sir.

I'll do my best.

Oh, you got to do better than that.

Here, I'll test you out.

Oh, see how easy that was?

Got to get in the game.

- Come on, Wally. - OK.

OK. But a guy gets hungry, you know?

OK. Go ahead.

But remember, it's going to cost you

a nickel for every one you lose.

Oh, look out!

Boy, you almost cost that poor kid about $10.

- Hors d'oeuvres? - No, no.

Thank you. I'd like to have one, please.

Say, isn't that new nail polish?

Yes, it is. Do you like it?

Oh, I sure do.

Isn't this a great party?

Oh, it's terrific.

You wouldn't care for an hors d'oeuvre, would you?

- Oh, no, thanks. - Thanks.

I think I'll have one.

Say, isn't that Doris over there?

Where?

Oh, I guess it isn't.

OK.

Folks, the dancing is about to begin.

Oh, good. Are we having an orchestra?

Are you kidding?

We promised you a sensational rock and roll group,

and there he is.

You know, that wasn't a bad party last night.

Yeah. Ellen really enjoyed it.

She thought the band was great.

- My date really liked the food. - She did?

Yeah. She's on a diet.

You know, that's one thing I don't get.

Why did we bother to save the hors d'oeuvres?

Didn't they just go to waste? Are you kidding?

What do you think we're having for breakfast?

All right, fellas. Come and get it.

What'll you have, anchovies and olives, cheese puffs,

or chipped beef on pineapple?

Name your poison.

You just did.

Hi, Dave.

Hi, Dave.

You're just in time for breakfast.

Are you kidding? He ate at home.

I was just going to give you guys a compliment.

I thought you did a good job last night.

I think we saved a lot of money. Oh, great.

Let's have a party and celebrate.

Well, actually, we got a long time to go.

- I think he means it. - I think you're right.

OK. Fellas, help yourselves.

You know, I think I'm going to pass up breakfast.

- Me too. - Me too.

Hey, wait a second.

What are we going to have for lunch?

Well, that all depends on how many of these are left over

from breakfast.

Hey!

What are you doing?

Just turning off a few lights.

What the heck's going on?

I took a look at your electric bills, and they're ridiculous.

Well, how are we supposed to study with the lights out?

Are you kidding?

You haven't opened a book in six years.

Hey!

Relax, will you?

Pledge!

Hey!

Hey, what happened to the water? Sorry.

Your time's up. I'm all soapy.

I'll tell you what.

For $0.50, I'll get you a pitcher of water.

Are you kidding?

OK.

Next.

What's this?

It's a check.

You don't accept checks? Well, yeah.

But it's dated two months from now.

Well, that's perfectly legal.

A post-dated check is the same as a promissory note.

- Next. - Well, now, wait a second.

That's not fair.

Why, his credit's as good as mine.

That's what I was afraid of.

What have you got there?

Oh, it's my IOU for $50.

It's perfectly good.

Are you kidding?

Next.

How do you like that?

Perfectly good.

Here he comes. Here he comes.

Good.

Hiya, Dave.

Glad to see you. OK.

Boys. Hip, hip--

- Hooray. - What is this?

- Hip, hip-- - Hooray.

- Hip, hip-- - Hooray.

For he's a jolly good fellow--

for he's a jolly good fellow--

for he's a jolly good fellow, which nobody can deny.

Hooray!

Three cheers for Dave. Hip, hip--

- Hooray. - Hip, hip--

- Hooray. - Hip, hip--

Hooray.

OK. Quiet down, fellas.

The meeting will come to order.

We are gathered here this afternoon

to honor a fellow fraternity brother who

almost single handedly has snatched us

from the very jaws of economic disaster, a brother who--

- Sit down, Wally. - Yeah.

We want to hear Dave, not you. OK.

Here he is, Dave Nelson.

Yay!

Thanks, fellas.

I must admit, it's kind of nice to hear cheers, for a change.

For a while there, I thought you didn't like me.

You were wrong, Dave.

We hated you.

Well, I just want to thank you guys for your cooperation.

You fellas deserve the credit, not me.

And I want to congratulate you for your sincerity,

your perseverance, and your fine sense of responsibility.

Keep up the good work.

Oh, wait a minute, Dave. Don't sit down.

We got a little surprise for you.

Gee, you didn't have to do that.

Oh, well, it's not exactly for you,

but I think you're going to be surprised.

- It's all set! - Oh, good.

It's right out in front. Oh, gee.

What is this?

Oh, well, it's a fire engine, of course.

We just bought it. Isn't it beautiful?

And we owe it all to you, Dave.

- To me? - Well, sure.

If you hadn't helped us to save all that money,

we could never have afforded it.

Wait a minute. You mean you bought this?

Now, don't get excited. It's secondhand.

Wait till the Betas see this.

It'll make their paddy wagon look sick.

Oh, you're not kidding.

The money was supposed to be for next month's bills.

Oh, we're not worried, Dave.

You pulled us out of the fire once before.

I'm sure you can do it again.

Did somebody say fire?

Three cheers for the fire engine.

Hip, hip-- Hooray.

- Hip, hip-- - Hooray.

Hip, hip--

Hooray.

What in the world are they going to do with a fire engine?

Oh, who knows-- horse around with it,

ride it around the campus, and listen to the siren.

Well, it seems kind of silly.

Oh, it's ridiculous.

I've never seen a bunch of guys with such a complete lack

of responsibility.

You'd think they were 10 years old.

Well, I don't think you should have quit on them,

though, Dave. Why not?

I obviously wasn't getting through to them.

Well, it sounds like they need help from somebody.

Not me.

They can find another pigeon.

What about you, dear?

Oh, don't look at me.

But you've always done such a good job with the men's club.

Well, that's different.

They're adults with a sense of financial responsibility.

Besides, I'm too chicken to be a pigeon.

Hello?

Oh.

Hi, Wally.

Yeah, just a minute. For you, Dave.

Oh.

Thanks, Mom.

Hello?

You're kidding.

Well, tell the guys I think that's great.

Oh, and I'll see you at the meeting Monday night.

Oh, OK.

Thanks for calling.

Bye.

I can't believe it.

What happened?

- They sold the fire engine. - You're kidding.

No.

They made a $20 profit.

Oh, that's wonderful.

- What did they buy instead? - Well, nothing.

They decided I was right.

They're going to hang on to the money,

and they want me to keep handling it for them.

There, now. You see?

You did a better job than you thought you did.

How about those guys?

Well, that's just one of the rewards

you get for doing a good job.

I ran into the same situation at the men's club.

At first, they grumbled and groaned.

And then they began to realize that what I was doing

was for their own good.

Well, I must say, it's nice to know that all the work I put in

wasn't a waste of time.

And I'll tell you something else too.

From now on, the job will be a lot easier.

Once you get them on the right track

and they appreciate what you're doing, the rest is easy.

At least, it's been that way with the men's club.

Goodness sakes.

What's that?

It sounds familiar.

It sounds like it's in our backyard.

Hey, Oz. How do you like it?

Now, now, now, wait a second.

Who does this belong to?

It belongs to us, the men's club.

- The men's club? - Sure.

We bought it for the parade.

Well, I didn't say you could buy this.

I'm the treasurer, and I didn't authorize you

to spend this kind of money.

You said anything we wanted to spend.

That's right, Pop. You did.

Well, yeah.

But, I mean, who thought that--

I didn't mean--

Oh, great.

I know just how you feel.

Come on, fellas. Let's have the old fire drill.

Here, Oz. Yell fire.

Are you kidding?

Come on.

Yell fire.

Fire.

Come on, boys. Hit it.

Come on.

Oh, OK.

Boys, hold it.

Hold it, fellas.

The fire is out.

No, it's not.

It's still smoking.

Hit it, boys.

Well, boys will be boys.

Some guys like a 9:00 to 5:00

job, and a house with a white picket fence.

Some guys live for that weekly paycheck,

but to me, it don't make much sense.

Now, I don't like a tight collar,

or a suit with a matching tie.

I like to pick up and go where the four winds blow,

and that's why I'm a happy guy.

Happy guy, happy guy, happy guy, happy guy.

Now, I steer clear of sweet talking gals.

They got wedding bells on their mind.

They want a guy to stay home every night.

But me, I'm a different kind.

Now, I move when I'm ready.

And I don't have to tell you why.

I just grab my hat and leave where I'm at,

and that's why I'm a happy guy.

Happy guy, happy guy, happy guy, happy guy.

You can look for me, when I'm passing through,

and I'll stay awhile in your town.

We can live it up and let the good times roll,

but don't try to settle me down.

No girl is going to chain me.

I was born with a roving eye.

And when the thrill is gone, well, I'll be moving on.

And that's why I'm a happy guy.

Happy guy--

- Whoa, whoa-- - Happy guy--

Yeah.

Happy guy, happy guy.

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