Original subtitles

"The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet," starring

the entire Nelson family.

Here's Ozzie.

Here's Harriet.

Here's David, and here's Rick.

Here they are, America's favorite family, the Nelsons.

Hi, Darb.

Oz.

What's the idea of sneaking up on a guy like that?

What are you talking about, sneaking up?

This is our garage.

What are you doing here?

Sally wants me to trim our front hedge,

and I'm trying to find your clippers.

Well, you won't find them up there.

Help yourself.

Well, I guess I'll just have to tell Sally

I can't find them.

There they are right there.

I'm sorry, Oz, but I just do not see them.

But thanks a lot anyway.

Here you are.

Why don't you mind your own business?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'll bet you are.

Hey, here's an idea.

I could tell her you refused to lend them to me.

Well, how could you do that? They're yours.

You loaned them to me last summer.

You know, I think you're right.

Well, happy hedge clipping.

No, wait.

Maybe not.

I can always fall back on the old "taking your wife out

to dinner" routine.

Oh, what's that?

Oh, you know, I say to her, wouldn't you

like to go out for dinner tonight, Sally dear, that

is if I'm not too tired from doing all this yard work?

That sounds like a good one.

Oh, it never fails.

You know, sometimes I wonder if she doesn't suggest something

for me to do just so I'll get out

of it by taking her to dinner.

Hey, you're probably right.

Say, why don't you and Harriet join us?

That's a possibility.

I'll see if she has anything planned.

OK, I'll check with you later.

And here, Oz.

I don't think I'll be needing these.

Now I'm sorry you're not wearing a tie.

Yeah.

Palmer has about a 25-foot putt.

It's downhill, and it looks like it breaks a little to the left.

- Ah. - Beautiful, beautiful.

Oh, thank you.

His putt.

He's got about a 6-footer, a little--

- Ozzie. --- break to the right.

Do you find your wife's conversation stimulating?

Now he wants to take another look at this.

What did you say?

It's just a little quiz I've got here.

"Do you find your wife's conversation stimulating?"

Yes, naturally.

"No" on number one.

I don't know how it stayed out.

"Do you remember what your wife wore on your first date?"

Who?

Your wife, me.

"Do you remember what your wife wore on your first date?"

Well, how could I remember that?

I don't even remember where we went on our first date.

Well, of course, you do.

We went to Palisades Park.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, you wore a sailor straw hat

and a light-blue dress.

I did not, and you don't remember.

It looks good.

Is this so important right now?

He just missed it.

Doggone, so did I. What is this?

You just failed number four.

"Are you grouchy when you can't have your own way?"

Am I grouchy?

I'm just trying to watch a golf match.

Palmer's lining up his putt.

You just failed number six.

"Do you shout at your wife when you get mad at her?"

OK, you win.

He looks it over again.

Well, what is this anyway?

I told you.

It's just a little quiz, a questionnaire.

You've seen them in the magazines

and the newspapers and all.

It's to test all kinds of things,

like your personality, your disposition,

the state of your marriage.

Oh, come on.

You don't mean you really believe all that junk.

I mean, that's a sure way to bust up a happy marriage.

OK, I just flunked another one.

Number nine.

"Do you get nervous and irritable when

you discuss your marriage?"

Well, I didn't get nervous and irritable.

I was laughing.

I'm still laughing.

OK, we've gone this far.

You might as well ask me the rest of them.

"What flavor do you prefer, chocolate, vanilla,

or strawberry?"

That's supposed to have something to do with

whether or not I love my wife?

Never mind.

Just answer the question.

Well, you know me.

I like to mix them all up.

OK, chocolate.

Oh.

All right, strawberry.

No, that's all right.

First answer's the important one.

"When you take your wife out, do you invite another couple

along?"

Take your-- well--

well, I-- that all depends.

Just answer the question.

Well, if you mean, do I enjoy your company, the answer is no.

I mean, no, I don't need another couple along.

I-- I enjoy your company.

Yes, the answer is no.

OK.

Well, when we went to the movies Sunday night,

we'd already agreed to go with Joe and Clara.

I know.

And the only reason I asked Doc and Shirley

to go to the football game with us was

because they're a lot of fun.

Well, and not that you're not.

But what is this--

where'd you get this silly thing anyway?

Let's just say, I made it up.

And you still haven't answered the question.

When we go out to dinner, why do you

have to drag somebody else along?

That wasn't the question, and you know it.

I'll get it.

No, no, no, no.

This might be my only chance to bail myself out.

Oh, I'll be back.

Hello?

Hi, Oz.

Oh, hi, Darb.

Well, what did you decide about tonight?

Tonight?

Yes, do you want us to come over and pick you up?

Oh.

Well, we're going out to dinner together, aren't we?

Uh, well, gee, I didn't know it was definite.

What's the matter?

Have you got something else planned?

Well, no, not exactly.

OK, then we'll be over to pick you up.

No, no.

Wait a second.

Look, maybe you and Sally had better make it without us.

You two would probably rather be alone tonight anyway.

Why?

Is it our anniversary or something?

No, no, nothing like that.

Well, then come on, Oz.

I thought we were all going out together.

Well, uh, look, Harriet and I have kind

of a little problem going here.

Why don't I talk to her about it,

and then I'll call you back, OK?

OK.

Harriet.

Are you ready for the rest of the questions?

No.

I-- I was wondering, how would you

like to go out to dinner tonight?

Sure, sounds great.

Good.

You're sure you're not asking me on account of the quiz?

No, no, the quiz has nothing to do with it.

In fact, Darb and I had it arranged long before I even

heard about the quiz.

Darby?

Yeah, he and Sally are going with us.

- The four of us? - Yeah.

Oh, then the quiz was right.

Now, how could the quiz be right?

All it does is ask a question?

And you just supplied the answer.

You do invite another couple to go along when you

ask your wife out for dinner.

Let's just forget about the whole thing, shall we?

Oh, no, you don't.

You asked me to dinner, and you're stuck with it.

How come I've turned out to be the heavy?

You haven't.

I think it was very nice of you to invite

the Darbys to go along.

I'd kind of like to take a look at the quiz,

if you don't mind, see how I made out.

Stop worrying.

You did fine.

Where is it, out in the kitchen?

It's not anywhere.

I told you.

I made it up.

OK, you made it up.

Well, don't go away mad.

I was just going to go downtown and pick up

a few things.

I may stop off at the market.

What are we having for dinner?

You invited me out for dinner, remember?

I'll have to make a note of that.

You just flunked number 10.

"When you invite your wife out for dinner,

do you try to weasel out of it?"

Hey, I thought I told you kids not to thumb

through these magazines.

Hi, Jack.

Just looking through these women's magazines.

You don't happen to know which one had a quiz in it,

do you, you know, see what kind of a husband you are?

Are you kidding? They all do.

And my wife's given me every single one.

No matter what I do, she's got a quiz that proves I'm wrong.

It figures.

I'm a lousy provider, a reckless driver,

a juvenile delinquent, a manic depressive,

and a schizophrenic.

My wife sprung one on me this morning.

I'm just trying to see how I made out.

Which magazine was it in?

Well, that's just it.

She won't tell me.

Oh, well, lots of luck.

- Hi, Jack. - Hi.

- Hi, Pop. - Well, hi.

- Hi, Mr. Nelson. - Hi, Wally.

Come on over and join us. We'll treat you to a malt.

We?

OK, I will.

Let me just put these magazines away.

Well, what are you going to have?

I think I'll have a chocolate malt.

Yeah, me, too.

Oh, Jack, three chocolate malts, please.

OK.

You better not let June hear you order a chocolate malt.

What do you mean?

Well, it may be a sure sign that you don't love her.

What are you talking about?

Oh, just one of those crazy quizzes

your mother dug up today.

You mean you're in a little hot water?

Well, it's possible.

Tell me this.

When you and Ginger go out to dinner,

do you usually have another couple go along with you?

Well, not very often.

Ginger can't afford it.

Is that part of the quiz?

Well, evidently, it was.

See, your mother seems to think that just because I invited

the Darbys to go out to dinner with us

tonight that that means I find her company

is too dull or something.

Well, after all, you and Mom have been

married for a long time now.

It's only natural you've kind of run out

of things to talk about. Oh, sure.

I wouldn't worry about that.

OK, you guys, quit putting me on.

Well, we're just trying to help you, Mr. Nelson.

Sure, Pop.

Say, by the way, where are you going, out to dinner, I mean?

Well, we haven't decided yet, probably the Green Room.

Well, whatever you do, pick out a place

where they've got a piano player or music of some sort.

Then as soon as you run out of things to say,

you can pretend you're listening to the music.

Yeah, but he can't do that all night.

What we have to do is find a few things he can talk about.

Well, let's see.

The Betas won the flag race last week.

Yeah, and Professor Clokie is retiring.

Mr. Leatherwood bought the new librarian a chocolate sundae.

It was a banana split.

And they held hands under the table.

No kidding.

Well, Ginger and I do that all the time.

That's how she slips me the money.

There you go, Pop.

If you can't think of anything to say,

you and Mom could always hold hands under the table.

Well, in the first place, you guys, I told you,

we are going with the Darbys tonight.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

You asked them along to keep the conversation going.

No, that's what the quiz said, but it's not true.

If you guys think you got me worried, you're right.

And if you keep it up, I may not pick up the check.

Sit down.

Oh, thank you.

I just wanted to talk to you about tonight.

Good.

Shall we take our car, or you want to take yours?

Well, that's just it.

I don't think we're going to be able to make it.

What do you mean, you're not going to be able to make it?

Well, a little something has come up.

Oh, somebody sick?

No, no, it's nothing like that.

Well, is there anything I can do, Oz?

If it's something personal, you can trust me.

I won't tell a soul.

Oh, no.

No, it's not that important.

Hi, Oz.

Oh, hi, Sally.

I hear we're going out to dinner tonight.

No, we're not.

He just came over to call the whole thing off.

Oh? How come?

Well--

He and Harriet had a fight.

No, no, it was nothing like that.

It's just that, well, I thought it

might be a nice idea if I took Harriet out alone tonight,

just the two of us. Oh.

What for?

What do you mean, what for?

I think that's very nice.

You always take me out to dinner after we've had a fight.

In fact, I think that's about the only time you take me out.

No.

No, we didn't have a fight.

Oh, that's right.

You said that.

Well, don't you worry about it.

We understand completely.

We'll make it some other time.

Don't-- bye.

Have a nice time.

Harriet?

I'm in here.

I was just trying to decide what to wear.

I think I'll call Sally and ask her what she's going to wear.

Oh, well, that won't make any difference.

What do you mean?

Well, they're not going with us after all.

Why not?

Well, I stopped by there and called the whole thing off.

I thought it might be nicer if we went out alone,

just the two of us.

Oh.

A nice, quiet little dinner, just you and I.

Sound very romantic.

I kind of thought you'd like that.

That quiz really got to you, didn't it?

The quiz?

Oh, oh, oh, that.

Oh.

Well, what made you

think the quiz had anything to do with it?

Well, didn't it?

Well, subconsciously, it might have

been in the back of my mind.

This isn't the first time we've ever gone out alone, you know.

I know it.

I was just kidding.

Now call up the Darbys and tell them the dinner's back on.

Oh, now who needs another couple to go along?

Are you afraid you won't have anything to talk to me about?

I've got plenty to talk to you about.

Would you like to give that a little lighter reading?

I'm sorry.

I have plenty to talk to you about.

Yeah, I like this.

Why don't you wear this?

OK.

Oh, you look beautiful.

Thank you.

Mm, you smell good, too.

I see you're wearing my favorite tie.

Oh, this is my favorite, too.

You're not saying that just because I gave it to you.

No, I really like it.

Well, shall we go?

This is fine, thank you.

OK.

May we have a couple of menus?

All right, sir.

I've always liked this place.

Yeah, me, too.

I remember when the boys were little fellas, the first time

we brought them here.

Yeah, remember, Ricky left his shoes under the table.

I thought that was David.

Oh, maybe you're right.

Maybe it was Dave.

What are you going to have?

I don't know.

Steaks are always good here.

Yes, I think Joe and Clara had steaks the last time we

were here, didn't they?

That's right.

The Randolphs were here with us the last time, weren't they?

But it's just and I tonight.

- Mr. Nelson? - Yes?

Excuse me, but you're wanted on the telephone.

Oh. Well, thank you.

Right here at the desk.

Gee, I wonder who that could be.

Well, at least we know nowadays it

isn't the babysitter.

That's for sure.

I'll be right back.

Here you are, sir.

Oh, thank you very much.

Hello? Mr. Nelson?

This is Wally

Oh, hi, Wally.

Boy, I sure am glad I got you.

There's nothing wrong, is there?

Oh, no.

I just wanted to make sure you knew

we were kidding this afternoon, you know, with all that talk

about not being able to think of anything to say to Mrs. Nelson?

Oh.

Oh, yeah, sure, I knew that.

Well, I was looking through my psychology book,

and I started to get a little worried.

There's a chapter here on the power of suggestion.

You know, somebody keeps telling you

you can't think of anything to say to your wife.

And the first thing you know, you can't.

Oh, well, I know what you mean.

But don't worry about it.

Everything's fine.

You're sure now?

Oh, yeah, we're having a very nice time.

And thanks for calling.

Oh, that's OK.

Oh, and by the way, I made a mistake this afternoon.

The Betas didn't win that flag race.

The Phi Delts did, I mean, just in case

there's a little lag in the conversation.

Oh, not that there will be.

I mean, just in case.

Oh, oh, yeah.

Well, thanks a lot.

And give my regards to the Darbys.

Oh, well, they're not here, just Mrs. Nelson and I.

Just the two of you?

Nobody else?

Yeah, that's right.

We-- we still find things to talk about.

Oh, oh, sure.

Besides, what do I know about psychology anyway?

I flunked the course last year.

All right.

Well, I-- I'd better get back to the table.

Thanks again for calling. OK, Mr. Nelson.

Have a nice time.

Oh, thanks.

Who was it?

Wally.

Wally Plumstead?

Yeah.

Well, what was he calling about?

Well, it really doesn't make much sense.

But he was worried that we might not

be able to think of anything to say to each other.

What?

It was just some silly thing he was reading

about in his psychology book.

But don't worry about it.

Well, I still don't understand why he called.

How did he know we were going to be here?

Well, see, I met him and Dave down at the malt shop

this afternoon.

Didn't I tell you?

No.

Well, I did.

How is Dave?

Oh, he's fine.

He had a chocolate malt.

I've always liked this place.

Yeah, it's real nice.

That crazy Ricky.

Oh, did you see Ricky, too?

No.

No, I was just thinking about when he kicked his shoes off

under the table, you know, when he was a little fella.

That's-- or maybe you're right.

Maybe it was David.

No, I think you're right.

I think it was Ricky.

Well, it's-- oh, by the way, it wasn't the Betas who won

the flag race.

It was the Phi Delta Thetas.

- What? - Uh--

Pardon me, would you care to order, sir?

Oh, yes.

That's a good idea.

Have you decided?

I think I'll have the filet, medium, and baked potato

and asparagus, please.

Yeah, that sounds good.

I think I'll have the same.

OK.

And what kind of dressing on the salad?

I'll have Roquefort, please.

And I'll have Thousand Island, please.

Very good, sir.

Very nice fellow.

Yes, they're all very nice in here.

Oh, uh, by the way, did you hear that Professor Clokie retired?

Who?

Professor Clokie in the History Department.

Ozzie, the Darbys just came in.

I didn't think they'd be coming here.

Do you think we should call them over?

I don't care.

Do you want to?

Well, it's-- it really doesn't make any difference to me.

It's entirely up to you.

I don't think they saw us.

Well, it's a cinch they didn't hear us.

This place is so quiet.

It's not exactly conducive to conversation.

Just watch them for a couple of minutes.

You'll see what I mean.

My word.

Did you enjoy your dinner?

Yes, it was very nice, thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, sir.

What about the Darbys?

Well, I don't think they saw us.

Why don't we sneak on out?

Well, OK, come on then.

Oh, I forgot my gloves.

I left them at the table.

Oh, well, I'll get them.

I'm sorry.

Hi, Oz.

Oh, hi, Darb.

Now, you two weren't going to sneak off without even

saying hello to us, were you?

Well, gee, we didn't know what to do.

You and Sally seemed to be having such a good time.

You mean, you were.

Harriet and I?

Well, yes.

We were just talking about how much you two

enjoy each other's company, what a wonderful relationship

you have.

Really?

Yes.

You're so relaxed and comfortable with each other.

You don't feel like you have to keep the conversation going

all the time, keep each other entertained.

I wish Sally and I could be like that.

You're kidding.

No, I really mean it.

Hey, Oz, why don't you and Harriet join us

for a cup of coffee or something?

Oh, well, yeah, that sounds great.

Harriet?

Hi, Harriet.

Hi, Sally.

Hi.

Come on over.

Don't make me laugh so hard.

My stomach hurts.

Well, it serves you right.

You and Darby didn't have to eat two desserts, you know.

It was a lot of fun, though.

I had a wonderful time.

It's a funny thing, though.

They thought we were having a good time.

And we thought they were.

Tell me, did you enjoy yourself more

when we were alone or after we joined the Darbys?

Oh, no, you don't.

You're not going to get me started on that quiz again.

Oh, which reminds me, you never did tell me

what magazine you got that questionnaire out of.

I didn't get it out of a magazine.

OK, what newspaper then?

I didn't get it out of a newspaper either.

I told you.

I made the whole thing up.

OK, you made the whole thing up.

Aren't you coming upstairs?

I'll be up in a little while.

Number 17, "Do you believe everything

your wife tells you?"

No.

Tonight's "Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet"

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