Original subtitles

"The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet," starring

the entire Nelson family.

Here's Ozzie.

Here's Harriet.

Here's David.

Here's Rick.

And also starring in tonight's episode, here's Kris.

Tonight's "Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet"

is brought to you by Colgate Dental Cream.

Two year clinical tests confirm Colgate a leader

in reducing new cavities.

Tastes best, too.

It's just got to be the best toothpaste.

Hi, mom.

Hi, Rick.

Hi.

Hi, Kris.

There you are.

For me?

Oh, not for you, for us.

Gee, it sure smells good.

What's the occasion?

Well, I was baking a couple of apple pies.

And I took a look at your father's waistline

and decided I'd better bring this one over here.

Well, hey, wait a second.

I'm as thin as a pencil.

And see how tall I am?

Actually, this is a bribe.

Come on, will you?

Let me work out my own bribes.

Do you think we ought to accept this?

Are you kidding? It looks great.

Thanks a lot, mom.

Oh, would you like a piece now?

Yeah, I think I would, with a scoop

of vanilla ice cream on it.

Now, wait a second.

Don't you think we ought to find out what we're

getting ourselves into first?

Oh, you guys are no fun at all.

I had a nice, long series of strategic maneuvers

all worked out.

We've got all night.

I'll take this out to the kitchen.

- Is that chair comfortable? - Oh, yes.

It's fine. Thank you.

Now, what's the big pitch?

Well, you know the Woman's Club

is putting on its annual variety show for the Children's

Hospital. Is that all?

Well, that's easy.

Put us down for a couple of tickets.

Oh, wait a minute, make it four.

We can take Wally and Ginger. OK.

Maybe Dave and June would like to come.

Well, that's real nice, but it's not

exactly what I had in mind.

See, I'm on the committee.

And it's the entertainment we're worried about.

Well, do you want me to sing a couple of numbers?

Oh, it'd be great if you would.

- Well, yeah, sure. - Oh, gee.

Thanks, Rick.

There now, that wasn't so bad, was it?

How about you, Kris?

We thought maybe you'd dance for us.

Me?

Yeah.

What kind of a dance?

Well, a striptease, what else?

Well, it'll be a lot of kids in the audience.

I thought they might like to see a ballet.

There you are. There's your big chance.

Are you kidding?

Well, you always said you wanted to be a ballerina.

Yeah, that was when I was 12 years old.

Well, how are you making out in here?

I don't know yet.

What do you think, Kris?

Well, I'd love to help out.

But I've never really danced that much.

My mother just had me take ballet

because I used to have trouble walking into a room

without falling down.

I find that hard to believe.

Well, if you really don't want to, that's OK, dear.

I just promised I'd ask.

And now that I have, we're both off the hook.

Are you sure it's OK?

Sure.

Same thing happened with Ozzie.

Oh, well, not exactly.

I volunteered to play my banjo.

And they turned me down.

Oh, that's a shame.

No, don't worry about it.

If I know pop, he'll bring it along with him, just in case.

Well, I think they're saving me

for Santa Claus in the Christmas pageant.

We still need some acts.

So if you hear of anybody who'd like to entertain the kids,

let me know, will you?

I'll ask around the fraternity.

Hey, I've got an idea that might be pretty entertaining,

a pie eating contest.

Oh, I suppose you'd like to start practicing right now?

Well, by a strange coincidence,

that's exactly what I had in mind.

Da, da, da.

Hey, how do you like that?

All I need is one more jug and I got it.

- Somebody throw him a fish. - What do you mean?

The kids will really go for that.

Well, just tell me one thing.

It's the Woman's Club show.

So why do we have to put on the entertainment?

Well, we don't have to do anything.

I just thought it'd be nice if we helped out.

It's for a worthy cause.

Yeah, I agree with Rick.

Besides, my mother is on the committee, too.

Well, yeah, but don't forget, we're busy going to school.

We haven't got any free time.

I'll raise you five.

What about my act?

I'm all set to go on.

I'll do a little dancing, a little soft shoe.

And what about my impersonations?

All right, see, you guys, do it my way, see?

Yeah, or I'll change your face around, yeah.

Oh, we'll let you know.

Well, what kind of stuff do they want?

Well, something unusual.

For instance, Mom asked Kris to do a ballet dance.

Well, would it surprise you guys

to learn that I once studied ballet myself?

Not me.

Me either.

I've suspected you all along.

That might be a pretty funny idea.

What do you mean funny? You want to see the Dying Swan?

No, I don't mean just one guy.

I was thinking maybe four or five

of us could put on costumes and do a comedy ballet routine.

Hey, that might be kind of funny at that.

- Sounds pretty corny to me. - Well, it's for the kids.

I'm sure they'd get a laugh out of it.

We don't know anything about the ballet.

Well, that'd make it even funnier.

Well, we'd have to know something about it.

Well, that's easy.

Kris could give us a few lessons.

Yeah, I'm sure she'd be happy to.

- Great. - What do you mean great?

Are we getting roped into this?

Well, I suppose it's better than studying.

And I'm sure not getting the cards.

Come on, whose deal is it?

I wish I knew where to start.

You mean we look that hopeless?

Yeah, I guess you do.

But that isn't what I meant.

Look, why don't you just show us a few of the basic steps?

Then we can work up some kind of funny routines.

Yeah, come on.

I can't wait to get started.

Hey, where's Wally?

Come on, will ya? We're starting.

I'm ready.

Help yourself to anything you find in the kitchen.

Oh, thanks.

This could stand a little more mustard.

Come on, you're in this too, you know?

If he can still move after that sandwich.

What do you mean?

If I'm going to dance, I've got to build up a little energy.

It takes a lot of fuel to keep the old train running.

Are you kidding?

You've got enough reserve in that caboose of yours

to last 1,000 miles.

Ha ha.

Come on, fellas, I've got some studying to do tonight.

Yeah, me too.

Well, come on, you guys.

Let's line up.

First, I better show you how to stand.

Come on, Rick, get in line.

Well, somebody's got to guard the door,

in case we get raided.

Come on.

OK.

OK, this is first position, second, third, fourth,

and fifth.

Everybody want to try it?

First, second, third, and fifth.

Come on, Wally, get them in there.

Boy, I'd get out of here if I knew which way I was going.

It sure is tough on the knees.

Well, it gets easier the more you practice.

Come on, let's try it again, a little faster this time.

First, second, third, fourth, and fifth.

Well, that was much better.

OK, let's try it again.

Well, we've got that down pretty good.

Let's go on to something more interesting.

Yeah, something where we can hop around a little.

Well, OK.

Let's try a few beats.

OK, fellas, first position.

Now, remember, this is just a rehearsal.

We probably won't be perfect.

That's the understatement of the year.

OK, we won't expect too much. We've been warned.

Well, it's supposed to be funny, isn't it?

Oh, it'll be that, all right.

You guys ready in there?

Just a second.

OK.

OK, we're ready.

That's great.

Well, hi, fellas.

Hi, what's going on?

Oh, the boys are just rehearsing

an act for the Woman's Club.

Oh, I thought it was something like that.

It was real good.

Yeah, it was pretty funny.

It was hilarious.

Evidently, they don't think so.

Well, I hate to say this, but it

seems like the more we do it, the worse it gets.

Yeah, I don't know.

We thought it was great.

Well, I think we're getting stale.

It doesn't seem funny anymore.

Well, do you have any suggestions, pop?

You know, to make it funnier?

Well, yes, I do, but I don't think you'll agree with me.

Well, try us and see.

Well, how about having the people in the audience

throw tomatoes at you guys?

You're kidding?

I know it sounds pretty crazy.

But I understand, years ago, there

was a vaudeville act known as the Cherry Sisters.

These two girls were so bad that the people

used to throw rotten vegetables at them.

Every place they played, they'd lower a net in front of them,

so they wouldn't get hit.

Well, how chicken can you get?

Yeah, we'll work without a net.

Now, wait a second, speak for yourself.

If you need somebody to throw the tomatoes, Mr. Nelson,

we can get a whole bunch of kids.

Yeah, just about everybody in the neighborhood.

It's the best idea I ever heard.

It's terrific.

You're not kidding, boy.

Well, remember, no apples, or oranges, or any hard things,

just nice, soft tomatoes, OK?

OK.

Come on, let's go tell the rest of the guys.

This is going to be great.

Now, remember, just at the ballet dancers.

OK.

I think that should be pretty funny.

Well, don't you think so?

Well, yeah, I guess.

Well, I'll say this much.

It sure will juice up the act.

You know something?

Wally isn't as funny as he used to be either.

OK, you guys want to try it again?

And this time, work on your elevation and keep your toes

pointed.

OK, let's go.

Something the matter?

You seem awfully quiet.

Well, it's nothing special.

I was just thinking about the ballet.

Do you think it'll be funny when

they throw the tomatoes at us?

Yeah, I suppose so.

What I mean is I wonder if the whole idea of the dance itself

is funny.

I'll admit it sounded funny when we first

started talking about it.

Well, they've been doing it for quite a while.

And people always seem to get a kick out of it.

Oh, I guess so.

I hate to sound stuffy, but it's just

that ballet is the basis of all our modern dancing.

Well, I think everybody accepts that.

Well, yeah, but there'll be a lot of kids at the show who've

never seen a ballet.

It just seems a shame that their first reaction

is that it's so ridiculous they're supposed

to throw vegetables at it.

I think you're just prejudiced.

You mean because I spent about 10 years

taking three lessons a week?

Well, yeah, something like that.

And speaking of vegetables--

What's she want us to do, change the act?

Well, she didn't come right out and say it,

but I think that's what she was suggesting.

You know, something? I think she's right.

Why don't we just forget the whole thing?

It's OK with me, especially the part

where we get hit with the tomatoes.

You think they'll be able to find somebody

to take our place?

Well, I'm not sure, but I think

Kris might be talked into it.

You mean do a legitimate ballet?

- Yeah. - What's the big discussion?

It looks like we're off the hook.

We don't have to do the ballet?

That's what Rick said. Kris is going to take our place.

We hope.

You mean all our rehearsing was for nothing?

Well, after all, boys, that's ShowBiz.

You are so right.

Dum, da, da, dum, da, da, dum.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

Gee, you sure smell good. What is that?

Oh, I was just over at the cafeteria

and someone spilled coffee all over me.

Oh.

By the way, don't forget we're having dinner

at your mother's tonight.

Oh yeah, that's right.

Gee, your hair sure looks nice.

Come on, now, it's a mess and you know it.

Well, what I mean is it looks nice--

Considering what a mess it is.

Well, so much for the subtle approach.

Maybe I better try the direct approach.

Make it fast, will you? I've got a class.

Well, it's just that you've been getting

in a lot of practice with your dancing

lately, teaching that ballet routine to the guys.

And it just seems a shame that it has to go to waste.

This is the direct approach?

Well, what I'm trying to say is

that the guys have decided not to do the ballet after all.

But what about your mother?

She's counting on him for the show.

Well, that's where you come in.

See, we figured you could take our place.

Me?

Well, yeah, why not?

I'm sure everybody would rather see you

up there than a bunch of clowns from the fraternity.

Yeah, especially when they're not going to show up.

Now I know you just want to be coaxed.

You'll be terrific.

You'll be the hit of the show.

I'll be so proud of you How am I doing?

Not, bad keep going.

Rick?

Hm?

Did you just kiss me?

Yeah.

Thank you.

How come you're still awake?

Oh, I've been sleeping.

I was just dreaming.

I dreamt that you and I were dancing together.

We were a big hit, thousands of people applauding.

Oh, good.

Hey, that's no fair.

How come you had the dream and I didn't?

Because I was the one who had the hamburger before I

went to bed.

Oh, I'm sure you'll be great.

That's what I keep telling her.

Well, thanks.

But I'll be satisfied if it just gets by.

I hope it'll be entertaining enough for the kids.

Oh, sure, it will. They'll love it.

Yeah, especially if I fall down.

I'm sure you won't fall down.

And don't forget, you promised to sing

a couple of numbers for us.

I was hoping you'd forgotten.

Not a chance.

It'll be a nice variety, you with your rock and roll group

and Kris with the classical ballet.

You know what would balance it off nicely?

A banjo, if somebody came out and sang a couple of numbers.

Oh, we're saving you for next year.

Well, you said that last year.

Don't worry, I'll take the banjo along and put it

in the car, just in case.

Well, hi, Rick.

- Hi, pop. - Nice crowd, huh?

Yeah, it sure is. Your

Mother's out in the lobby. She's taking tickets.

I know. I was just talking to her.

Well, I'm going to save a seat for you.

Do you want me to save one for you?

That's OK. I'll be going back and forth.

- Oh, how's Kris? - She's fine.

- Oh, good. - Hi, Mr. Nelson.

Hi, Rick.

Do you want a tomato, Mr. Nelson?

Oh, no thanks.

I just finished dinner.

Well, they're not for eating.

They're for throwing.

For throwing?

Yeah, they're just the right size, too.

Who are you going to throw them at?

At the ballet act.

Oh my gosh.

It was your idea.

Yeah, we told everybody.

Boy, I bet there's about a million tomatoes in here.

Oh, I forgot all about it.

Now, wait a second, fellas.

The plans have all been changed.

The guys from the fraternity aren't going to dance.

How come?

Well, Kris is going to do the dance instead.

You mean we've only got one target?

You don't have any target.

You don't want to throw tomatoes at a girl, do you?

Are you kidding?

We hate girls.

This isn't just a girl.

It's my wife.

Well, we wouldn't want to throw them at an old lady.

Why not?

It's better than nothing.

Look, you're not going to throw the tomatoes at anybody

and that's final.

But Mr. Nelson, we promised all the kids.

That's why they all came here tonight.

Oh, Rick, they're looking for you backstage.

The show is going to start in about five minutes.

Oh, thanks. I'll be right there.

Well, what are we going to do?

Well, I think I've got an idea.

Well, like what?

Well, uh, desperate situations call for desperate measures.

Don't worry about a thing.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm positive.

OK.

Whatever it is, I hope it works.

So do I.

Look, fellas, the plans have all been changed.

Now, I'm going to write down some instructions.

And I want you guys to read them very carefully

and show them to all the rest of the guys, OK?

OK.

A little bit sweet.

Surprised how good true love could be.

Be sweet, a little bit sweet.

If you try me just a little bit longer,

maybe our love will grow stronger 'cause you know,

pretty baby, that your daddy's still in love with you.

In love with you.

Come on, come on, come on.

Stop all you're missing around and swinging.

Give the bells a chance to start ringing 'cause

you know, pretty baby, that your daddy's still in love with you.

In love with you.

Wasn't that wonderful?

And now, we have a delightful treat for you.

We're going to present an original ballet especially

created for our show tonight.

It features the loveliest, most talented ballerina

you've ever seen.

It's my pleasure to introduce to you Kristin Nelson.

Wasn't she great?

Oh, just wonderful.

- Where's pop? - I don't know.

He took off a minute ago.

He said he'd be right back.

Wasn't that wonderful?

Yeah!

And now, we have a surprise for you.

The very talented husband of one of our committee members

is going to entertain you with his singing and his banjo, Mr.

Ozzie Nelson.

Oh, no.

What's this all about?

I'm not sure, but I think we're

about to witness one of the most heroic performances

in the history of show business.

Thank you.

Thank you very much for that nice reception.

Somebody stole my gal.

Somebody stole my pal.

Somebody--

Tonight's "Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet"

was brought to you by Colgate Palmolive, makers

of new fab with DuraBrite for a wash that's wedding white,

not just almost white.